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I'm currently suffering with a chronic (18 months and counting) sinus infection. I've just excavated a bogie from my face which had a root about an inch long. It felt like I'd pulled it from behind my eyeball, the relief was both instantaneous and tremendous.
What have you got?
With you on the sinus infection...
I only had it for a couple of weeks, but when it “let go” it spurted out of my nose like a cup of vending machine tomato soup. The relief was incredible.
As a teenager once squeezed a massive spot behind my ear, using a single finger. The extrusion that came out was a good 30mm long and 5mm in diameter. Years before digital cameras were a thing or I would have taken a picture for posterity
I pulled out an ingrown hair once... it was longer than I was expecting! Gross and satisfying at the same time.
Oooo, yeah. Once popped a spot on my back. Central, lower back. Needed a one handed pop. Completely covered the pad of my index finger in puss. And blood.
It was in a meeting with my boss and I was wearing a white shirt, so I had to manoeuvre myself carefully out of the room just in case of seepage.
This morning I had to do the shit on a stick test that people over a certain age have to do. First time doing it and read the instructions carefully, thought about ways of capturing it away from the toilet water like a bowl in the bog or something but couldn't get my mind past cleaning the mess afterwards so then I thought sod it, toilet paper in hand and grab it as it comes out. Worked a treat!
Completely covered the pad of my index finger in puss. And blood
Love that this happened in as meeting with your boss 😆
This morning I had to do the shit on a stick test that people over a certain age have to do
When my time comes for that, I'm taking no chances. I'm just going to go in a jiffy bag and post that. Tiny little stick be damned!
Oooo, yeah. Once popped a spot on my back. Central, lower back. Needed a one handed pop. Completely covered the pad of my index finger in puss. And blood.
Had similar on my ball sack once, needless to say I wasn't in a meeting with my boss at the time.
The thing with a good James III is that there's minimal clean up when it's a good un. Paper, flush, hand wash. Jobby jobbed.
Popping spots or nose excavation leads to a need for all sorts of cleanup, soreness and follow up operations.
This morning I had to do the shit on a stick test that people over a certain age have to do. First time doing it and read the instructions carefully, thought about ways of capturing it away from the toilet water like a bowl in the bog or something but couldn't get my mind past cleaning the mess afterwards so then I thought sod it, toilet paper in hand and grab it as it comes out. Worked a treat!
I got a letter last week telling me my shit on a stick was on its way. I'm taking notes.
Oooo, yeah. Once popped a spot on my back. Central, lower back. Needed a one handed pop. Completely covered the pad of my index finger in puss. And blood.
Had similar on my ball sack once, needless to say I wasn't in a meeting with my boss at the time.
Username ... and all that.
On the original comparator; I once walked back into the office and said "happiness is an empty rectum"
"Don't be so sure" said the gay trainee 🤣
RE: Is there anything more satisfying than a good poo?
Doing it on work time and getting paid for it.
I do my best to synchronise the rhythym of my digestive tract to my office hours.
As a teenager once squeezed a massive spot behind my ear, using a single finger. The extrusion that came out was a good 30mm long and 5mm in diameter. Years before digital cameras were a thing or I would have taken a picture for posterity
Once dropped a huge log in the works loo. It hit the bottom on the pan and then stood vertical a good 3 or 4 inches above the waterline, not touching the sides. Like cleopatras needle. I was so proud i took a pic but then deleted it about 10 mins later after having a word with myself.
Is there anything more satisfying than a good poo?
I'm currently suffering with a chronic (18 months and counting) sinus infection. I've just excavated a bogie from my face which had a root about an inch long. It felt like I'd pulled it from behind my eyeball, the relief was both instantaneous and tremendous.
Erm... is this what you call a poo? 🤔
Could lead to some awkward conversations.
Once dropped a huge log in the works loo. It hit the bottom on the pan and then stood vertical a good 3 or 4 inches above the waterline, not touching the sides. Like cleopatras needle. I was so proud i took a pic but then deleted it about 10 mins later after having a word with myself.
I once walked into a public toilet and found exactly this, except it must have been almost 4 inches wide. Absolutely astonishing. I backed out of the stall in hurry 🤣
Did actually for a moment consider taking a picture but, like you, had a word with myself and ran away, leaving it for the poor cleaner to deal with.
or a torpoodo
I got caught short in Vienna last year. Once I'd finally found a trap safe enough to enter I let fly to my immense relief. When I stood up and inspected my handiwork I'd forgotten the euro-bogs have a kind of inspection shelf. To say I was alarmed by what I'd deposited would be an understatement. In fact I was too shocked to even think about taking a picture...
I was in Cambridge, MA on business couple years ago. Walking the mile home late (1AMish) after tacos and margheritas my bowel is struggling w jetlag, and suddenly it's a bit touch and go, but i got to the hotel and up to the 8th and was mincing down the long corridor to my room, only for the kin e-key to not work. Panic setting in at this point, i head back to the elevator down to the meeting room floor on 2, and head to the restroom there, but at 1.30AM the only trap in the mens is occupied (FFS - I am properly sweating at this point) so I head for the ladies (there must be more than one trap there surely) and just manage to get the kecks down in time. Phew - that felt great!
To say I was alarmed by what I'd deposited
This wasn't really supposed to be a thread about poo so much as about alternatives, but this reminds me:
On holiday in Las Vegas, they were running the "Star Trek Experience." Geekdom aside, we worked out that Quark's Bar was the cheapest place in the vicinity to get drinks. They had themed drinks such as Klingon Blood Wine and suchlike. I latched onto what I think was branded Trillian Ale. It was American shovelware lager laced with bright blue food colouring.
The next morning I got up for my daily ablutions, needed a poo. Did the deed, turned around to flush and bore witness to this fluorescent green jobbie staring back at me. It was the colour of 1980s socks. You probably heard the scream.
This is cruel timing. Last week I decided I was "letting myself go" (or was it mentioned?) and really needed to get back to a healthier way of eating, so revisited the eating plan that worked so well for me a few years ago and which I've fallen out of the habit of following.
So, start off with a couple of weeks of the strict (and some of you will remember this/him...) iDave diet.
No white carbs (bread, pasta, rice, spuds). No fruit, cereal or dairy. No drinks with calories. Keep it up for 6 days a week. Maybe a few carbs if exercising hard but otherwise no, nothing, nada.
I haven't had a decent poo in days. A teaspoon-full at most. (not that I'm using one)
I haven't had a decent poo in days. A teaspoon-full at most. (not that I'm using one)
Enough for the shit on a stick test at least.
As a teenager once squeezed a massive spot behind my ear, using a single finger. The extrusion that came out was a good 30mm long and 5mm in diameter.
I had an infected fly bite behind my ear that after a bit of maturation resulted in a Vesuvius-like pop and an explosion of yellow pus.
The intense relief once it was fully gone though was very satisfying.
I had an infected fly bite behind my ear that after a bit of maturation resulted in a Vesuvius-like pop and an explosion of yellow pus.
The intense relief once it was fully gone though was very satisfying.
I misread the word "maturation" and that story changed dramatically.
I was once approached by the cleaner at work complaining that she had had to deal with a turd of such proportions as described above. Girth, length and degree of protrusion from the pan all checked out.
Through the tears I asked if she had had to tackle it with a brush. She replied “I wasn’t too sure about the brush - I was afraid it might fight back.”
Once went for a wee in King’s Cross station toilets, the upstairs ones next to the restaurants, went to get some bog roll to blow my nose, there was a turd in the pan, the like of which I could never have imagined, it was about the girth of a baked bean tin and one and a half bean tins long. I’d be intrigued to see whom it emanated from, King Kong would have been proud of it!!!
I’d love…love to have good unaided poo, the sort that leaves you feeling hollowed out.
Unfortunately with SPMS and the carnage that it is causing with lack of peristalsis I need to drink 2 sachets of laxido everyday, followed by a double shot double shot espresso then I wait….and wait…..and wait…..until I decide to go digging for brown gold with my fingers, hoping that the spasms in my arms and hands will hold off till I’m finished.
😉
RE: Is there anything more satisfying than a good poo?
Doing it on work time and getting paid for it.
Depends on whether you're still sat at your desk and not expecting it.
I am NOT speaking from personal experience but a colleague once got caught short.
Yep, getting paid time and a turd.
I am NOT speaking from personal experience but a colleague once got caught short.
Again, not really what I intended for this thread and I've posted this anecdote before but,
A mate of mine worked with Chester. Chester had heroic, weapons-grade flatulence. Occasionally he'd have a particularly soggy one and go "oops, best go and check on that" before running off to the toilets. He carried a spare pair of underpants to work.
Chester worked as head chef at a posh hotel.
That first shit on porcelain after a long exercise or deployment is sublime. As is the delicate scented 10 ply tissue paper blended with the tears of a rainforest.
See also other post-exercise delights such as fresh food after ration packs (usually weeks of the same menu) and a proper shower, not baby wipes.
You can beat an egg, but you can’t beat a wa**
You can beat an egg, but you can’t beat a wa**
Unless it's in a portaloo with a faulty lock in 40° heat.
#danger****
weapons-grade flatulence
Real ale does that to me, so I don't drink it any more... guess its a colon/bacteria eco-system thing.. but damn, I even sickened myself from the smell a few times.
So I'm strictly 'modern' IPA or cider these days. 🤣
After touring trips, long days in the saddle, I tend to get big boils brewing on the under carriage. After a few days when they've ripened they take a firm finger and thumb squeeze to burst through the hardened skin. Satisfyingly messy.
A medium rare sirloin steak. Just that, melted butter in the pan while it rests to pick up the fond, poured over just before eating.
Nothing else, maybe some nice bread, only if you have some.
3 days of beetroot served different ways:roasted in the oven, sliced on a salad and grated, another salad.
3 days convincing yourself you haven't got total internal organ failure.
Just last night, after doing my business, I glanced down to find a "periscope poo". Instantly thought of this thread and was rather pleased with myself.
You know, I joined this place to talk about mountain biking. What have you lot done to me 😭
The next morning I got up for my daily ablutions, needed a poo. Did the deed, turned around to flush and bore witness to this fluorescent green jobbie staring back at me. It was the colour of 1980s socks. You probably heard the scream.
Oh that reminds me. On a trip to London once we found some of these:
Which the kids were very excited about, so we bought some. Cue some disturbingly bright turquoise turds for the next day or so.
You know, I joined this place to talk about mountain biking. What have you lot done to me 😭
That's just a cover story.
Underneath that veneer, it's a marginally less exciting/offensive version of Mumsnet but mostly for middle aged blokes.
Got to admit, it's a good deception. There's a magazine and everything!
Again, not really what I intended for this thread
I think that sentence applies to most threads on this forum.
Just back from five days in the US. My second brain get the worst jet lag you can imagine, and I'm at the absolute upper end of normal frequency (every 2-3 days). After little more than a couple of foreign walnuts, I can concur with the subject of this topic.
BTW I have used the toilets in that Kings Cross pub, but it wasn't me (this time). A £500* poo is not unusual, sadly nor is the need to help it round the bend.
*Weight saving on bikes @ £1/g is the current going rate.
This one time, I had some lurgy or other, I don't remember being constipated but I must have been as I was very bloated around the tummy. Painfully so. This went on for several days and it was uncomfortable, painful even.
Anyhow, one evening when it was really really quite painful, I crawled up the house stairs and found myself on all fours. Leant forward to put my chest on the floor, and farted. For about 15 seconds. Plus follow-ups. The relief was tremendous!
Anyhoo, a few weeks later I was browsing a Readers Digest magazine while waiting for a barber and read about the Childs Pose in yoga and how it saved a man's life when used in a medical setting to release trapped gas. Who needs doctors anyway.
Oh, and almost silent and surprisingly unstinky if you're interested. But it definitely beat releasing a Dreadnaught.
Okay. A decent quality braided USB cable. Yeah I know, cables, 2025... but I still have the need for them. It's my cable too, out of bounds to the kids to charge their tablets with, they get the cheap ones for that. This one is mine, and I can rely on it, it won't let me down. 😎
...as satisfying as inserting a USB cable the right way round the *first time*?
I crawled up the house stairs and found myself on all fours. Leant forward to put my chest on the floor, and farted. For about 15 seconds.
I can relate to this, a few years ago had to go for the camera up the arse, it's ribbed for your pleasure don't you know! Anyway laid in a hospital ward prior to the procedure various people around me were farting which amused me somewhat. Eventually got wheeled into the procedure room and first thing is my abdomen gets inflated by some kind of gas nozzle shoved up my arse, makes it easier for them or something. After everything is done I am taken back out to the ward with a painfully expanded abdomen and told to lie there for a while until the gas escapes before going home. After a painful while nothing had come out and they wanted me gone, nurse told me when you get home get on all fours and get your partner to rub your tummy. OH drove me the 45min home and it was one of the most painful car journeys I've ever had feeling every bump in the road. Once home I got straight onto all fours while OH rubbed my belly, the resulting fart seemed to go on for ever and the relief was instananeous!
What's better than a good poop?
Feeling the need to go again an hour later....."Woah there was mooooooore!!!!"
Oh, I did once have a massive splinter that went in the nail edge on my thumb. After a week of careful squeezing it came out and I was amazed how big the splinter was. Such relief!!!!!
...as satisfying as inserting a USB cable the right way round the *first time*?
What evil is this? First time?
USB cables go in one way. Then it doesn't fit. So you turn it around. Still doesn't fit. Turn it back to how it was. Fits? Huh???