[Closed] is it wrong of me to be unsociable?

Time for a cup of tea?

And a chat? (Ok, maybe not the chat)

No.

Does your partner not know you?

Woah! I have nights I'm on it and nights I'm not. Even at my most sociable I often like to escape for a wee breather, sometimes using the excuse of wanting some fresh air. It's a bit tough if she's said "I must introduce you to my partner" and then she can't though, so she has a wee bit of a point. I guess the moral is that it's not worth going to social events if you're not able to participate. The problem is that we often do these things to keep our other halves happy 🙂

she is a bang out of order, did you slap her in front of the people and drag her home in disgust?

Yes. Social skills are something you can work on and develop. Don't fall into the trap of saying 'I feel uncomfortable' - life is all about pushing the boundaries of comfort and in doing so, becoming a better and more rounded person.

What is it that makes you uncomfortable? Drill the scenario right down and you'll probably identify the precise thing/reason, and then you can fix it.

What have you not done that you didn't know you were supposed to do? It can be the only reason.

I'd be expecting a heavy gravity day tomorrow too.

What is it that makes you uncomfortable? Drill the scenario right down and you'll probably identify the precise thing/reason, and then you can fix it.

Maybe he feels comfortable in his own skin and doest feel the need to talk shite to folk for no reason.

She should probably find someone else. I don't think I've met her, is she fit? I'm dead sociable. Actually I'm not, I'd just be easier for her to bully.

andyrm - Member

Yes. Social skills are something you can work on and develop.

Serious answer- yes you can. Doesn't mean you should! I'm very antisocial at times, that's the person I have grown up to be, I choose not to learn how to be or how to pretend to be someone else.

Just for context- Mr Menmuir is a top bloke and, so far as I can tell, in no particular need of reprogramming.

I'd be hacked off for this:

told them I was tired and didn't want to speak them. She says I've embarrassed her.

The trouble is that in life one has to be be in certain social situations that one doesn't necessarily want to be in. You really both need to discuss this.

[quote=andyrm ]Yes. Social skills are something you can work on and develop. Don't fall into the trap of saying 'I feel uncomfortable' - life is all about pushing the boundaries of comfort and in doing so, becoming a better and more rounded person.
Good troll

Down a few brandys and a couple of fat lines and show he how sociable you really can be 😉

Let's arrange another man-camp, bring her along* and she if she digs the banter 🙂

* she'll have to provide her own sausages though!

Not trolling - it's a genuine thought. Social interactions are a vital part of life, and sometimes you have to do it when you're not on your A game. And maybe think for a second about your wife's feelings. She obviously is proud of you and aants to introducs you to someone - you've offended her by refusing and showing her up.

Cup of tea definitely but no slapping or hair pulling. If she'd brought him over or introduced him then I would been polite, said hello etc but I just wasn't in the mood for it. My mind was elsewhere, thinking about something that's causing my sister some grief. I do give a lot of things a miss, even things with people I know well. Although I much better than I probably used to be. I think mostly I'm a bit of a loner, I work on my own a lot but today I was at an event and I felt all chatted out.

I must introduce you to my partner" and then she can't though, so she has a wee bit of a point. I guess the moral is that it's not worth going to social events if you're not able to participate.

I also would be pissed off at you as you only had to say hello and talk some bollocks for a few minutes to them for your partner

Yes sometimes it is shit and a pain but you have to..unless her friends are ****ers in which case you were right

either go and do it or dont go at all

As long as everyone (including your partner) knows you have a tendency to be an unsociable git and can live with that it's all good.

Works fine for me. My mates know I'm likely to have a fair few times when I'm not in a chatty mood, and my wife would never knowingly put me in that kind of 'forced' social situation. Don't ever feel the need to be vacantly pleasant to people I don't know.

Bit out of order her telling them that ..... Im married but really enjoy my own time and really dont like the social stuff , the mrs loves pubs , meals , nites out etc but id rather stay in or go and ride my bike ... usually on my own ..... i often work on my own and much prefer it and even the wife has said im a bit of a loner as well ..
End of the day we arent all the same , some very social and some not social !

Yds social interactions are a vital part of life. I've spent all day doing it. Surely I have the right to choose how much i decide to socialize in my own time? And its not like I went along and didn't talk to anybody. Surely its not a case of all or nothing?

Stick to premium lagers.

Socialisation as in idle chatting to strangers? Nope.

I would rather watch Family Guy and American Dad then to force myself to speak to some strangers.

The only way for me to chat is to ask ... "Do you come here often?" ...

[quote=chewkw ]Socialisation as in idle chatting to strangers? Nope.
I would rather watch Family Guy and American Dad then to force myself to speak to some strangers.
But strangers are just friends you've not met yet

don't know how old you are, but I reached a point probably in my late 20s where I thought I'm not going to get any more social, especially not for the sake of being social with randoms. I'll be polite and I'll talk to people I want to talk to but I'm not going to go out of my way to make small talk with people who I probably won't see again, nor want to. I'd rather not talk to anyone than chat about the weather, or what I do for a living, or where I'm going on holidays.
in social occassions my wife normally buggers off to talk with people knowing I'll do what I want, so I'll mostly try and find someone I know and just chat to them all night, or maybe just go for a wander. she knows not to try too hard to introduce me to people.
life's too short to try to be someone you're not.

scotroutes - Member

But strangers are just friends you've not met yet

Yes, but they are weird ...

You obviously didn't have enough to drink. Next time don't let the missus down and make certain you get well tanked up, so that talking endless bollox to complete strangers becomes effortless 💡

You think what all most people like us think; people are generally self interested bores and not worth the pretence of fake chat. It's a failing in many respects, but also a blessing..

so we have a bunch of randoms on a forum discussing with complete strangers how we dont like talking to folk

Oh the Ironing

Ps Top Plan ernie

Jy, but that's the great bit. We can ignore the bores, or walk away when conversation gets silly, and long as no flouncing is involved, nobody cares or even notices. Wrong, bit explains it partially.

so we have a bunch of randoms on a forum discussing with complete strangers how we dont like talking to folk

Well, I'm much more sociable online than I ever am in real life. With real people I'm borderline autistic, but you lot don't really exist so it's okay.

don't worry Junkyard, you still make us feel uncomfortable, even over the internet

I think you'll find I don't say a lot on here either.

Junkyard - lazarus

so we have a bunch of randoms on a forum discussing with complete strangers how we dont like talking to folk

Yes, I watching American Dad while responding to all strangers on the forum ...

I did more weeding today. And bought some grass seed.

Seriously though, it's a 2 way thing. She wants you to give. You give. She will give back when you need her to

I have a good ability to be able to start chatting to folk even when I rather wouldn't. It is a learned skill. Trick is to ask them a question that makes them do all the talking. All you do is stand there nodding and necking your drink. It's a great way to get turbo-pissed at weddings.

This is the difference between men and women. Women often like to show off their man, you know, "isn't, he wonderful?" and all that crap. Whereas most men couldn't really give a shit as long as the one to one relationship is good. So you've occasionally got to be bored out of your mind talking crap to people you don't like just so the misses can boast how wonderful you are on Facebook. Welcome to modern relationship dynamics.

JackDaniel's and Coke is your friend. I'm up at 5am, greeted by blue skies, to get away from family for a ride with mates, who are also escaping their families.....is that sociable?

Sounds like your wife is trying to bring you out of your shell a bit and is trying to push your social skills a bit more then you can handle.

Sometimes you have to grin and bear it for the sake of your loved one.

Man up and do the right thing next time.

Ernie has it half right, get tenked up and try it on with her hot sister/friend (she should have loads of these) and tell her you were just being sociable.
On a serious note you probably could have made a better effort for her but WTF did she tell them you couldn't be arsed talking to them.

I know life's not a popularity contest but I'd rather people would say to each other, 'he seems ok, bit quiet mebbe but decent enough' rather than, 'whats a nice outgoing lass like her doing with a miserable git like him who can't be arsed to speak at a social function'.
Reminds me of a friends wedding I went to, another colleague took her husband who made it blatantly obvious he didn't want to be there, he may as well have sat in the car & waited. (turns out he's a weird bloke at his work too)
Having said all that, you are who you are & your partner could've said something other than what she said. If I felt like you about mixing & socialising I'd stay away from that type of situation.

I'd be pissed at the OH, why did she not tell her friends you've got a downer due to grief with family and not at your best socially. Think she embarrassed herself by not asking if you were ok to meet people on the night.
Fair play Mrs goose would have asked if I felt ok to go out. If we did go out she woud have brought her friends to meet me rather than drag me around like we was at crufts.

If you go to functions expect to meeet new people. Sorry but thats the way the world works

To be fair to her she doesn't know about the the stuff that my sister is dealing with. She's about to go to work, she still thinks I've been disrespectful. I went to this thing after working for twelve hours. I didn't sit and speak to nobody. I chatted to somebody a lot of the evening about what I'd been doing today and a recent trip to torridon that he'd been on. Considering everything I thought I'd done quite well. Yes I could have gone and spoke to this other person but I was tired and grubby, I probably wouldn't have come over very well.

You need to talk to OH about your family grief. She'd want to know and be supportive.
if she doesn't know how can she understand why you are not in a sociable place at the moment.

When I read threads like this I'm frankly stunned that so many STWers have wives at all.

You need to talk to OH about your family grief.
She'd want to know and be supportive.
if she doesn't know how can she understand
why you are not in a sociable place at the
moment.

This. You've shared more about a family issue with strangers online than your partner. She'd be able to be a lot more understanding if she knew. But from what little I can work out about the female mindset, she'd expect her partner to share his troubles with her and will be hurt you haven't.

Be ready when she gets home and open up to her.

For her to tell the people she wanted you to meet that you didn't want to meet them, you must have told her [i]something[/i] similar.

Regardless of what you think the facts or reasons are, in relationship terms you're in the wrong. You need to man up, accept it and say sorry, and only when she accepts your apology, explain why.

But I understand where you are coming from... I used to feel/act this way often, but in a new relationship in the last year or so, can't get away with this any more. You have to make an effort and work the room sometimes. It gets easier, and it pays off.

I've read through the thread and first impression remains. She's more worried about pandering to her friends and acquaintances than respecting her husbands wishes and personality traits.

When I used to have to "socialise" with clients all day I was less than enthusiastic about socialising in my free time. Now I don't work I enjoy the events I used to flee. I start each day with a capital of sociability and Madame has learned that when it's run out I'm best left alone.

Try some marching powder, they'll not be able to shut you up.

Proper MiddleClassTrackWorld problem!

In any other level of society the situation would have been;

'Come and talk to these people'
'Nah, I'm too tired'
'Oh, OK'
'Is that your other half?'
'Yes, but he's tired and grumpy'
'Oh, OK.'

Instead we're deep into relationship analysis, and I'm sure someone will be along soon to recommend going to Relate or to suggest some kind of private counselling...

I'm an anti-social git too. My wife has accepted it though. If someone at a gathering says 'he's quiet isn't he?', she'll just agree with them happily.

I know what it is too. It's talking. I can type away online all day and be very confident about it, the minute I open my mouth I'm convinced everyone is trying to get away from me. Understanding what the problem is hasn't helped me fix it though. I've got a strong northern accent, I mumble, I sound stupid. Ho hum. I'll just stay quiet.

Mrs Crikey tried to get me out after a 12 hour shift, so I said no.

Simples...

When I read threads like this I'm frankly stunned that so many STWers have wives at all.

I start each day with a capital of sociability and Madame has learned that when it's run out [s]I'm best left alone[/s] she sends mt to STW

FTFY 😉

Shall we set up a charity ride for misunderstood tired men?

Only if you promise we wont have to talk to each other

Shall we set up a charity ride for misunderstood tired men?

Make sure they get lost. They'll have to communicate with one another to find their way.

I've got a strong northern accent, I mumble, I sound stupid.

Ha ha, I've suddenly had to start dealing with folk from outside my local area, so now feel the same way.

Look on the bright side; at least you can count to 12...

When I read threads like this I'm frankly stunned that so many STWers have wives at all.

Naah you just don't realise how pussy-whipped you are.

You just need to drink more mate 😀

We go to alot of my BH family doo's and to be honest thers a couple of them I get on well with but the rest are in general either alot younger (and female) and I'd look like a pervy old man trying to talk to them or very old.

So as she shwishes round the room I just sit and drink, and drink some more because at some point when the BH finally returns she will want a dance and I consider the drinking vital preperation for me hitting the dance floor 😀

Oh and smart phones are great in these situtations as well 🙂

Look on the bright side; at least you can count to 12...

Naah you just don't realise how pussy-whipped you are.

I don't have a wife. 🙁

I don't have a wife.

Well you'll never get one with that attitude. Try headlocking one until you get her home or standing out in the street shouting "I want a bloody sandwich".

Well you'll never get one with that attitude.

What attitude?

Mr bh and myself have this problem but in reverse. He's very sociable and friendly, me, I'm a saddo,shy, boring person, who seems to enjoy my own company.
However, I have been riding with many mtbers and loved chatting to them and made many friends, but in certain circumstances, such as a wedding or party I freeze and just want to be with my own small circle of friends.

The OP shouldn't have to be pushed into something that makes him uncomfortable - life is too short.

I don't have a wife.

You've always got JY

Firing off a few Bernard Manning type jokes would have seen you reet in that situation.

You've always got JY

He dumped me for not talking to his friends at a vegan BBQ.

sorry but im too tired (cant be arsed) to post on this thread...

Just stop giving a shit, works a treat.

The OH just tells guests that I dont like people. She's right. The truth is always best.

93% of people I've ever encountered are idiots and not worth the pretense of vacuous discussion.

Here it's lovely, people eliminate themselves from any imaginative respect-list without me having to talk to, or even see them, I just see what they post and base my ill-informed opinions on that.

Additionally, none of you are real, neither do you care, and most people I like to think are good deep-down anyhow, so it's all a bit rollocks.

I like Samuri the most 😀

Sounds like your wife needs to modify her social skills to me.

If you couldn't be arsed speaking to these people there's no need whatsoever for her to then go and then outline this to them 😕 If she said this to me I'd think she was weird, not you. There wouldn't have been an issue before that comment was made whereas there will be now.

Surely the MO there is just not to speak to them and if they comment on it later you just say you're sorry you missed them and hopefully you'll catch up another time. It's not rocket science.

I'm pretty sociable and can talk to anyone but equally often just as happy not to bother.

Edit- I mean partner, not wife

OP have you ever read up on introverts and extroverts? It's not about being socially able or not or being shy or confident. A key difference between introverts and extrovert is that an introvert feels drained by lots of interaction with others whereas an extrovert will be be energized (sound familiar?). People who lean more towards introversion are more likely to choose solitary hobbies and interests that they can get deeply involved in (solo rides, hours fettling bikes and reading forums).

If you and your OH are aware of your natural default tendencies it can help you understand the way you each behave.

If you're tired and know you might come across as grumpy then tell her and hopefully she'll be ok with that. If you do agree to go somewhere though you should make the effort.

I like crikey's summing up of it! Maybe the whole thing's been overanalysed?

All cool now, in a good way. Managed to tell her about the troubley sister is having. We also talked about last night and she realises that I did try last night but its not something I find easy. The introvert extrovert thing is something I can relate too, never thought of it like that. Now should surround myself with extroverts or lock myself in a cupboard in preparation for Fort William this weekend?

Ha ha Its quite funny when you know the OP as he Is a sound lad and never struck me as being unsociable. I know where your coming from though , my wife was 40 last week and her workmates who I know had a wee get together drink and meal for her. I had originally intended to go but to be honest don't have a lot in common with most of them so opted out. I can pretty much talk to anyone and usually I'm a bit more open than I should be but find as I get older I'm beginning to lose the will to live with making small talk. I dont even bother going to my own works nights out anymore as after an hour or so I'm bored and ready to come home.
I'd say you haven't done anything wrong to be honest and wouldn't worry to much as It will be forgotten fairly soon.

All cool now, in a good way. Managed to tell her about the troubley sister is having. We also talked about last night and she realises that I did try last night but its not something I find easy. The introvert extrovert thing is something I can relate too, never thought of it like that. Now should surround myself with extroverts or lock myself in a cupboard in preparation for Fort William this weekend?

I wouldn't worry about it. You'll have a midge net over your face all the time so no need to lock yourself in anything!