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I had a bit of an interaction with a 'colleague' at work on Friday thats left me a bit bemused.
Have exchanged nothing other than general shop floor banter and chitchat, and I dont even know his second name however on Friday he blurted out and asked if I was gay. I'm not entirely sure what i've done to give him that impression,and i'm not sure if he was coming on to me as married with kids(but that doesn't mean anything).
Its just the whole interaction made me feel really, really uncomfortable and im still a bit freaked. I'm not easily offended(i've seen the internet) but seems wholly inappropriate in todays climate to ask someone you hardly know about their sexuality? If they volunteer the information and want to start a discussion on it by all means..
I'm not sure whether im making something out of nothing,..the chap possibly has some mental health issues(which he has brought up with in passing) it could be he's just a bit socially inept?
I dont know whether to just speak to him in person or my manager..
No
If anything speak to him but probably best ignored. don't go upstairs with it.
Don’t see an issue, are you offended that he thinks you’re gay? (Not implying you are offended, just hard to tell from your post) I’m often asked if I am, I just say thanks for the compliment, but no, I’m not
Likewise no, sounds more like personality issues than attempt to harass. Not every crass or potentially harassing remark is intended as such. He probably already feels bad about it.
Make a mental note of what happened, time and date if you're that worried. If something happens again youll have some history and then maybe think about reporting it if youre genuinely uncomfortable with his behaviour, although I would have reporting to your line manager first would be more appropriate, that's what they are there fore, day to day management of people, HR are only there for policy and when it gets serious.
I'd just ask him why he asked you.
Thanks, appreciate the input.
It may not have been intended as a harassing remark, but that's what it felt like to be on the receiving end.
I’d forget about it and see what he says/does next if anything. If something else does happen then either chat with him or raise it with your line manager.
it could be he’s just a bit socially inept?
That was my first thought. If he was doing it as some sort of harassment/bullying, he'll try again. Then take it up in person with them and if you're not happy then, seek advice from HR or whoever. They should know if a report is appropriate.
Harassment/bullying etc generally requires repeated behaviours, unless the words/actions are clearly discriminatory or whatever in law.
I’d make a note of it. Time, location, how you felt at the time, as many details as you can remember. Keep the note safe. If you have a trusted work colleague, I’d also tell them and perhaps ask for their view. If it does turn out to be something then at least you’ve got a record of your side of things. Good luck.
Good advice above - how 'repeat offences' or a pattern of behaviour can be shown and answers any "why didn't you do something sooner' question if it ever arose.
and are you? *
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.* just asking
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Is he, maybe fancies you?
If ever you need a record of your version of events at the time this thread should do.
As for HR, you contact them to recruit you and when you resign. Between the two there aren't many occasions when you contacting them will further your career. Put yourself in the HR person's shoes and see how many conclusions you could jump to and how many of them would be favourable and how many negative. There's a reason sexual misconduct in the workplace is under reported, reporting tends to end badly for both accused and accuser, humiliation and embarrassment for both whatever the facts.
Would you feel "bemused" if a woman had asked you?
No-male has ever asked me in a work context, in normal life I just reply that I don't get a hard on for blokes which is a pity but that's how it is (it sounds lighter-hearted in French). The normal "rule" of everyone has the right to ask once doesn't apply in the work place, but I'd apply it all the same.
I'm discrete too, if I'm propositioned I keep it too myself whether by a male or female. If it was a proposition it might have taken a bit of courage and the person might feel vulnerable for having done it. I wouldn't share with workmates, that could go very badly.
Ask him if he’s a ****
I suppose it depends what people in general, and you in particular, talk about at work.
Some colleagues are very reserved and it wouldn't be odd if they said,
"Well, I don't discuss personal stuff in the office".
I did once have a colleague grumbling a bit about their marriage to me and I said politely that it was best not to say any more to me as it might make things awkward later (I mean imagine working with someone who, 3 years ago knew ALL the details of your messy divorce...which now you kind of regret...).
Hopefully he will never mention it again but in your position I'd be just that extra bit formal and civil and distant.
It's your lycra commuting gear.
Is he a looker?
I'd be ignoring until a second incident happened. I wouldn't bring it up with anyone else and I wouldn't cold shoulder him.
It could be he is personally confused about his sexuality, has made an assumption you might be gay and thought you could be someone good to talk to about it. Or any other number of possibilities I guess.
You told him you are a 'Roady' didnt you?
therefore assumes everyone who rides a childrens toy is either poor , or gay
Might be some weird workplace hiearchy, or he needs to find a reason to validate his , so far , unvalidated reason to simply not like you
Got asked if I was ' One of them Jhehovas Witnesses' at work, when i mentioned i dont do xmas .
so bleeding what , im not.- but dont try and pigeonhole me for your personal gratification, ta.
It could be he is personally confused about his sexuality, has made an assumption you might be gay and thought you could be someone good to talk to about it...
This could very well be the case.
Would you feel “bemused” if a woman had asked you?
Well yes, am I just that old fashioned that certain subjects at work shouldn't be touched for their ability to offend? If I had made a questionable advance or inappropriate remark to a young lady and made her feel uneasy I reckon I'd be in a bit of bother.
I myself would never, ever approach the subject of a persons sexual preference in work or even outside not in a million years, because its none of my business, I dont care. Pre/post/pan sexual/LBGT ..I really, really dont care who you bump uglies with...
I am a private person, and do prefer to keep personal boundaries with those I work with and perhaps why I was a bit upset at what I perceive as having my personal boundaries infringed, unintentional or not.
Appreciate the advice, and no im not a looker...
seems wholly inappropriate in todays climate
What do you mean by "today's climate"?
Pre/post/pan sexual/LBGT ..I really, really dont care who you bump uglies with…
If you don't care then why are you so upset about him asking? It's not like he asked if you fancied a shag over the photocopier.
Guy at work that I barely know asked me what team I supported the other day. I couldn't give a shit about football. Shall I go and talk to HR about it?
About ten years ago, when moving onto a new project, I had an introductory chat with the new boss who I vaguely already knew. She had been talking with previous boss about me, as you do, but there had obviously been some breakdown in communication as she popped out with "Oh, and I didn't realise you were gay". It was bloody news to me too.
Guy at work that I barely know asked me what team I supported the other day. I couldn’t give a shit about football. Shall I go and talk to HR about it?
Football isn't the only team sport, he might have just been asking if you bat for the other team.
I see what you did there.
👍
“Oh, and I didn’t realise you were gay”.
And suddenly your username takes on a whole new light.
(... like I've got room to talk)
If your a colleague of yours made you feel deeply uneasy and harassed with their comments aimed at your querying your private sex life...then maybe yes. Football not so much.
Genuinely that is how I felt that and unfortunately Cougar you dont get to tell me how to feel or react.
If he was over 50 the term would be Queer, if your and him are aged 30 or less the same term would apply, strangely, one as a general term used by older people and one championed by younger Lgbtq people.
Best thing to do is just ask him why he asked that, preferably somewhere a bit quiet at work.
People do make mistakes and one of your fellow workmates may well have joked youre a gay, so he was just asking.
Just what are you affraid of him for you want to report it, did he make any advance to you,did you make any sort of advance to him,how did you react, have you seen him since, and probaly lots more questions, eg does he ride a mtb or road bike, or an e bike, etc
Help me understand why you feel so uneasy and harassed by what could just be an innocent question
I believe the correct term to use now is "You need to reach out to him", keep getting asked that when i cal a call centre how can we reach out to you.
OP, is there a reason you believe this to be a bad question?
I don´t actually understand the issue you are raising.
Haven’t read all of this but nobody can tell you what you should feel. Would I involve HR? No, but I wasn’t there and I’m not you. You obviously feel uncomfortable so speak to HR for their advice, they don’t need to act unless you ask them to. Is there more to this?
OP, is there a reason you believe this to be a bad question?
I don´t actually understand the issue you are raising.
This. Would you be offended if they asked your taste in music too?
@Cougar hearing your voice on the radio dispelled the vague fantasy that you looked like Courtney Cox, I now think you drive a taxi around Royston Vasey 😉
I have been assumed to be gay many times thru my time in nursing. doesn't bother me at all
nobody can tell you what you should feel.
This is well - we can only say how we would deal with it. Your feelings are your own