[Closed] Introversion getting worse with age

I hate people too. They are mostly arseholes. Especially  me

I force myself to be unnecessarily jolly to them on the internet to avoid becoming  an uncontrollable rage monster and harming myself and others.

Hope this helps.

Nope,I am getting (annoyingly) more and more mellow the older I get.

Life seems to make more sense and I feel totally connected to ,like,everything man. 😉

Peace

I agree with perchypanther. The older I get, the less I want to converse with people. Which is why I'm here. I mean, you lot couldn't possibly be real.

The younger me would have contributed to this thread

Yes, always been introverted and it has only got stronger as I get older. Lucky enough that the job I do doesn't often involve working with anyone else but I too get wiped out after interaction with others.

I think there are two types of people, those that need company to recharge themselves and those who need to be alone. The first type will literally drain the life out of the second and rarely understand their plight.

If people annoy you, kill them, sodomize them, cook them, and eat them. You'll get a nice holiday with no cell mates to disturb your peace.

Aren't you just talking about being a bit "knackered" and maybe need a break to clear your own thoughts?

Some folk are vacuums, it's pretty difficult conversing with anyone of this persuasion at the best of times.. and nearly 50% worse in a work environment.

Thing is, you can choose who you converse with. And at what pace and topic and how you express yourself.

Typing on here doesn't help much because similar personalities emerge even in the written word.

Take a break, do something you've never done before.

I think there are two types of people, those that need company to recharge themselves and those who need to be alone. The first type will literally drain the life out of the second and rarely understand their plight.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers%E2%80%93Briggs_Type_Indicator

Myers Briggs agree with you.

I've found as I've gotten older I've become far less tolerant of idiots and wrong 'uns. I spend all day, everyday (in work at least) talking to people, it's what I do, it's an 'interesting' career choice for someone as usually anti-social as me, but here I am...

But, I simply can't waste any more of my very finite energy for doing it on arseholes, I don't want to be rude, but there are certain people I just won't stay in the same room as - my SILs former Boyfriend was probably the most extreme example, whenever I saw him coming up the drive, I'd just leave, although it never happened, I suspect if he was ever daft enough to turn up when my Wife was out, I wouldn't even bother to answer the door to him. I couldn't avoid showing my utter contempt for him whenever I had to talk to him, my SIL is cool though and her husband is much better, we're not friends and I don't think we ever will be, but I like him in small doses.

It doesn't get much better in work, there are some people who I can only really tolerate for money, I don't know what that makes me, but I don't care, I can't really bring myself to talk to them for the sake of keeping them sweet for when it's profitable to do so, but I can hide my contempt, they just grate me. It's usually arrogant types or worse, dishonest types, it seems to be there is a type of person who's so used to lying, 'the truth' has become some abstract concept and whenever you ask them a question, the words that come out of their mouth are formed entirely in an attempt to get the result they want, even when it's verging on the ludicrous - how do you work with people like that?

Aren’t you just talking about being a bit “knackered” and maybe need a break to clear your own thoughts?

I don't think he is. Having to communicate with people is exhausting for me - even the ones I like.

Voluntary communicating with those I don't know rarely happens. Unless I'm pished :).

I can see both views. I'm ok with a small number of folk, maybe up to half a dozen. Get beyond that and I'm immediately uncomfortable and would rather not be there. It's partly a hearing thing - I struggle to make out conversation in a crowd - and age could certainly be a factor there. If I could pick all my friends I'd prefer those that also don't mind long periods of silent contemplation rather than a constant barrage of conversation. Maybe that's just another sign of introversion - not being interested in the minutae if everyone's life - but I genuinely find it difficult to retain much of it and so feel uncomfortable when it comes to recalling the names of folks wives / kids / dogs etc.

I love Meyers-Briggs! INTP here.

work in a field almost totally populated by ESTJ types, so I often place myself on the fringes of all their extrovert-ing!

Yeah I'm finding this too. As I get older, the more I just want to be alone with my own thoughts.  Before it used to be group situations that I found uncomfortable but now I actively try to avoid one-on-ones too.

Unfortunately this is coming at a time when I'm being put in more social situations as my son grows up e.g. kids parties, playground conversations etc.

It's not something I really consider a 'fault' though - just a personality trait.

I've got an opinion on that in here somewhere... I've been trying to express it but everything has gone all grey and jumbled up. Too many rushed cycling commutes to work this week and not enough sleep. Friday repeatedly turning to headphones & hoodie day at work to tune all the bastards out. Not sure I'm a proper introvert as I sometimes want to be more sociable than I am.

sometimes want to be more sociable than I am

I find this a pain, it'd be great to talk to some people as I know they'd have something worth saying, but it's so difficult as I have no idea how to start a conversation. Banal small-talk seems to be the way to do it, but it's just not engaging.

I tend to only talk to people who talk to me.

I can see both views. I’m ok with a small number of folk, maybe up to half a dozen. Get beyond that and I’m immediately uncomfortable and would rather not be there. It’s partly a hearing thing – I struggle to make out conversation in a crowd – and age could certainly be a factor there. If I could pick all my friends I’d prefer those that also don’t mind long periods of silent contemplation rather than a constant barrage of conversation. Maybe that’s just another sign of introversion – not being interested in the minutae if everyone’s life – but I genuinely find it difficult to retain much of it and so feel uncomfortable when it comes to recalling the names of folks wives / kids / dogs etc.

Ye gods, I must have forgot to change my login earlier...

i can go a whole weekend and not speak to anyone. at all.

I'm with the fasthaggis, getting mellower and more tolerant of bawbags the older I get.

I'm rubbish at starting conversations.  With people i know well it's fine, "how you doing?" usually does the trick.   But put me in a party type situation and I freeze.  Luckily I've got a very chatty partner, so she does all the heavy lifting and I just chip in every now and again.  My son is at the pool six times a week diving and that's helped, although I'm very selective about who i chat to I can sit and have a conversation with some of the parents but that's taken about three years.  Recently though I've found myself getting less tolerant, I can't be bothered listening to the petty bitching about the coach and I have to bite my tongue or try and be diplomatic.  So I find myself wanting to sit in my van and watch a film on the tablet or work late rather than go in.  The urge to watch my son generally wins me over and I go in.   In the last few years there's been more than one party/gathering that I've bailed out of, I seem to feel tired all the time and know that parties exacerbates this.  So I think in some ways I've worked at trying to be better but I know I also actively try to avoid social situations.

I’m with the fasthaggis, getting mellower and more tolerant of bawbags the older I get.

Yes, you do tend to learn to live with yourself a bit better as you get older.

Harsh!

🙂

Being introverted has only really been a recent descriptor, I was always "shy". I really struggled to socialise with anyone who wasn't a very close friend or family. I've never had many close friends, quite a large group of people I know, mates wouldn't really be an accurate word.

My my wife was shocked when I spoke to her about how difficult I find it trying to be social or conversational in groups of people I barely know or with complete strangers. She has always said that I'd speak to anyone and was overly confident. Reality was, and still is the complete opposite.

Within work I'm very comfortable with all levels, from my reports to senior management, but then I know my job inside out. The trouble I have is containing my utter disdain and disregard for idiots and bullshit. I will not entertain it in a professional manner and diplomacy is just nonexistent. I often call managers out on bullshit and it's very likely why I haven't been considered for promotion into more customer facing or project roles. But if something needs saying then I seem to be the one who has to say it. You will get it and it won't be sugar coated.

This is my internal dialogue most days:

I pretty much need a nap after breakfast these days.

Both Stevenmenmuir and Bigblackshed ^^^ have said it all.

And me.

We have a saying here; you've the gift of the gab. That's what my Missus tells me. I'm the one most likely to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger - checkout operator, waitress, barman etc.  When I'm ferrying customers through the Highlands I can end up talking with them for 3 hours. It helps that much of it repetitive, covering the same topics most times. But I don't have the social skills/desire to develop a large network of close friends

Having said that, STW and other social media has let me meet some nice folk with shared interests and some of tbose encounters have developed, especially with folk I perceive to have a similar personality to myself.

I would think a lot of us are in the situation of appearing different to how we feel in social situations.  I am very shy and socially awkward.  I get very anxious before any social gathering but I bet non of my friends see this.

In my case I have learnt coping mechanisms to help with social anxiety partly from recognising that actually I get a lot out of having friends and going to parties.  Once in the situation I am usually fine ( but sometimes end up sitting on the sidelines) but getting there?

Its not helped in my case by sometimes / often getting social cues badly wrong - something I am sure you recognise in me from my postings on here.

INFJ here, I used to feel uncomfortable about being introverted but I now just accept it, and the fact that I'm going to be uncomfortable in larger social situations.

As above, feel drained by too much social interaction. Used to fight it, but now I just accept it and it's fine.

You will get it and it won’t be sugar coated

So, you're rude then?

Not rude, no.

Truthful, honest, saying what everyone else is thinking but are too embarrassed to say it, integrity, open and honest with everyone.

If if that is considered rude then than maybe I am. But the older I get I don’t worry about it anymore. I really don’t like politics and games, especially at work, and I don’t have friends that play at manipulating others. It’s energy sapping and I won’t allow other people to do that to me.

I am very shy and socially awkward.  I get very anxious before any social gathering but I bet non of my friends see this.

TJ, I don't know you from adam aside from your comments on STW but given this and your, excuse me, fairly unique debating style on here, have you considered (or had) an ASD assessment?

I was sort of unofficially diagnosed a few years ago and it suddenly made sense of a lot of, how shall I say, quirks as to how my brain works.  I'd kind of suspected it it for years but to have it validated by a professional came as something of a shock!

I grew up in Liverpool. A word we often used to describe idiots is a "Gobsh##e"

I work with so many yet as a line manager I have to avoid this term.

Instead I have to use words such as "Vocal or Not a team player" ...when I really really want to say what they are.

On reflection, I probably crave more alone time now than I used to. I guess this is another benefit of fitness cycling for the last ~16 months, it gets me away from everyone for almost all my rides!

I swing from one extreme to the other. Some days I love being around people and could talk the hind legs off a donkey. Other times I can't even bring myself to answer the phone and just want to retreat in to my thoughts.

I reckon I’m similar to Scotroutes & TJ. For me it depends on exactly who I’m mixing with. I simply cannot be arsed with people who love the sound of their own voices & prefer to get to know what folk are like before being remotely ‘pally’. Same at work, I know who I can be bothered with & who to give a wide berth.

So we all hate big weddings then, agreed?

I've gotten worse as I've gotten older. I've wangled my way onto permanent nights in my job role so I don't have to interact with the public and colleagues.

I use my kids as an excuse at weddings and parties; would rather play hide and seek with my three year old than try and make small talk with people I semi know. Last party we went to I walked two miles to a shop for a bag of crisps and some baby wipes. Just to not have to make convo with people. At the same party my friend who is a host tried to introduce me to his work friends. I went and hid in the toilet and went on Amazon.

I've always been a wallflower. I was awfully shy as a teen. Doing my nursing actually helped as I was forced to interact with strangers on a daily basis and be open and candid. Also helped me not to be scared of girls.

So whilst at work I can put on my work hat, talk about rude stuff with the female dominant workforce and feign interest in the 90 year old patient's grandson's A levels in reality I'd rather be swallowed into a hole.

For me I have three types of people in my life:

family who you can't choose. My dad for example is a turd. I have to interact with him as he is my dad.

Associates and strangers; people I know and those I don't. Friends of friends for example. I have to make small talk in certain situations. Going biking  with people you don't know well etc. I can appear aloof or stand offish when in reality I don't know what to say to them. I'd rather not start a conversation instead of running out of things to say. It's more awkward for me.

Friends; people who I can be around. They know my traits. Know how I interact and what buttons to press. Comfortable in their presence as I don't have to try and not be myself. Most of my genuine friends are from school from 20-30 years ago.

I can make new friends and have some close non school friends but they have made more of an effort to get to know me than I have them. Otherwise it would never have paid off in friendship. They would have been forever kept at an arm's length and I'm grateful to them for it.

People are weird.

"L’enfer c’est les autres"

This thread is an interesting read.

My dad for example is a turd. I have to interact with him as he is my dad.

No, you don't.  **** him off.  A lesson I learned far too late in life is that life is too short to spend it in the company of arseholes.

A lesson I learned far too late in life is that life is too short to spend it in the company of arseholes.

...and yet, here you are anyway.😉

So we all hate big weddings then, agreed?

Guess what I'm going to tomorrow? Yep a big wedding where I'll know about half a dozen people including the bride and groom. I'm driving too so will be in double jeapordy as I try yo hide from boring drunks while appearing to play the "social game" . I'm using my best cbt training to rationalise my fears but deep down I know the best part of the day will be when I leave.

I point blank refuse to go to big weddings now. My close friends understand. The worst part is that somebody asks you to give up a day to be bored out of your mind and then wants a present from you😃

My dad for example is a turd. I have to interact with him as he is my dad.

No, you don’t.  **** him off.  A lesson I learned far too late in life is that life is too short to spend it in the company of arseholes.

I couldn’t agree more with Cougar on this one. Luckily I learned this in my early thirties. Some relationships just aren’t worth the time regardless of whether it’s family or not.

The worst part is that somebody asks you to give up a day to be bored out of your mind

A day would be great - this one is a foreign wedding so its a week away, so I've taken a week off to go to an event I don't want to go to in a place I didn't really want to visit. At least I've got some riding lined up for the rest of the week so there's something to look forward to.

Some of the posters on this thread seem to be talking more about intolerance than introversion. Isn't the latter about the situation rather than the individuals. Like quite a few people, I find prolonged social interaction slightly exhausting to the point where I just want some time to myself, but it's not because those people I'm spending time with are 'arseholes', 'bastards' or idiots - the same's true of time spent with my oldest and best friends - but simply because social interaction can be tiring.

But I don’t have the social skills/desire to develop a large network of close friends

The reality is that very few people genuinely have 'a large network of close friends', it's just not sustainable. A quick google suggests three to five close friendships is the norm.

Some of the posters on this thread seem to be talking more about intolerance than introversion.

That is precisely what I was thinking. A few people could do with checking their understanding of what it is to be introverted.

I went to a party recently, friends that had gotten married in New Zealand but wanted a party when they got home.  I wouldn't say I was looking forward to it but I wasn't dreading it either.  I knew quite a few people there and it was good to catch up as most of us have kids and don't get together very often.  After a couple of beers and some good food I had a really good night.  It doesn't happen often but it does happen.  I'm fortunate to work on my own so don't have to interact much during the day but I do a physical job so I'm always tired at the end of the day.

I quite like people, I like wandering into a pub and having a laugh and joke, I like to try for the assumption they're all OK really just weighed down with life's BS when they're glum and so will try and cheer folk up, sometimes it goes wrong, sometimes they don't want cheering up so happy enough to leave them to it. I guess that make me more extrovert than intro, but, as I've gotten older I'm not quite as tolerant of fools, but so often my job being sales related, I still have to put up with them, and I do sense a sea change in the way folk act compared to the past. There's a lot more casual rudeness, greetings not returned, basic kindnesses not proffered, more anger and envy and I find that difficult to cope with, time was I'd just smile and agree with quips and jokes at those not similar to the rest of us. I like nerds and odd folk, like to hang out with them (probably why it's interesting to visit forums like this with it's diversity of often strange opinions) but find myself at risk of more than just discussion in some alcohol fuelled venues defending what the room would find indefensible, so I am tending toward introversion, restraining comments and opinion more from fear of causing a ruck than necessarily changing my opinion.

Age is a debilitating thing no question, bad enough it attacks your physicality, a shame it has to vary your principals.

Cougar.  a couple of years ago I did some online testing and read up a bit.  It was a "lightbulb" moment as I thought "that explains a lot"

I am fairly sure that if I went to school now I would have a hat full of labels - ASD amongst them.  I also can barely write with a pen and cannot spell certain words.  Obsessive behaviour as well

the thing is I am 57 and have developed coping strategies that work fairly well.  I hold down a good job,  I am satisfied in my life.  I have a good circle of close friends who accept my "oddness" and a good few of them know how to deal with me when I go OTT on something  "TJ - you are at it again"  and I have learnt to take the telling without rancour and return to planet normal.  One close friend will wag his finger and me and say "TJ" which is the clue I need that I have exceeded societies norms. I will reply " have I done it again?" We both know that this is a good way to deal with it 'cos it means neither of us get offended - he or others in the room by my behaviour, Me by folk getting angry with me for reasons I simply don't understand

At what point does being a bit odd become eccentric become developmental abnormality?

I am not sure  a formal diagnosis would help at all.  If I was in my 20s yes but now?  doesn't seem worth wasting professionals time when its not going to change anything

+1 for what Cougar just said. Easier said than done sometimes, and perennial guilt of ‘but he/she is my dad/mum’ and ‘what if i’d just tried harder’ is a tricky one to live with. Estranged (by choice) from my mother for about seven years now. I wish it had been better, but it wasn’t.

Right, you guys all need to stop this pish before you disappear up your own arseholes.

Just sayin'.