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Every modern car. I don't need to be told I don't have my seat belt on. I don't need assistance to keep me in my lane which is bloody dangerous when local roads are built the way they are. I don't need a sodding screen to turn the heater on. I don't need tinted glass to look like a drug dealer. I don't need tyres a few cm deep because I actually prefer a comfortable ride. I don't even need a car that does 71mph. I don't need a bumper that crumples when you brush some thing.
I bloody well don't need a modern car but the wife thinks they look good.
Facebook Messenger. I now a have a message on my phone telling me I am lucky enough to now be able to set up a 6 digit security key. Who the hell cares? it is Messenger not the hot line to the Kremlin.
Can I opt out? Nope!
UK plugs are over engineered for a reason.
The majority of European countries had RCDs way before they were common here. We had those awful wired fuse boxes. Terrible things. So they didn't need the extra protection that the 3 pin plug gives you.
UK plugs are over engineered for a reason.
I'd argue that they are adequately engineered, and other plugs are under engineered.
These pair of pricks
I’d argue that they are adequately engineered, and other plugs are under engineered.
I'd agree with you there.. I much prefer the standard 3 pin UK plugs to the crappy 2 pin Spanish ones, purely from an ergonomic point of view... especially when in extension blocks.. for example, they are either super difficult to insert properly, or don't feel like they are held in securely and waggle about.
The pull tab on foil lid under the cap of the milk bottles from the supermarkets.
They just seem to be stuck to the underside of the cap. So you open the new milk and the pull tab is gone. Thus you need long finger nails or patience or some such thing to open the milk without wearing it.
Morrisons and Sainsbury's are the worst.
UK plugs are one of the few remaining good things about the UK. Other country’s plugs just seem shit in comparison. Like they were designed by idiots. Wobbly and cheap looking.
In the prick category I’d like to nominate the fridge with a small freezer compartment built in. The ones that slowly ice over until you can get nothing in there. They should make a ****ing massive one and the arctic sea ice would be back in full effect within a fortnight.
Also microwaves, all of them. Stupidly loud beeping noises, ridiculously complex controls and just generally shit at heating things up as advertised.
Threads. Every time I come up with a contribution someone gets there first... Skoda update nonsense^^ 👍 and tops inside milk container lids^^ 👍 (Aldi in my case)
Matryoshka dolls. Full of themselves. Pricks
Ford Transit custom wet belt engines. I want one but the pricks keep blowing up apparently.
On our work version of PowerPoint, the spell checker decides which one of about 4 random European languages it will use in every text box, usually a different one in each item on a slide.
It doesn't make any difference what language is set as default, or even if you uninstall all languages bar English.
When it's really on one, it'll choose different languages in the same sentence, the cynical ****.
Keys. Today I locked the garage and dropped the garage keys along with the car key on the kitchen table - that was what I remembered. Later I needed the garage key to get the drill out, the car key was there but no garage keys. Half and hour of looking yielded nothing, doubt set in, where have the keys hidden themselves? More hunting then I remembered I'd shut the garage door wearing my ski pants which have nearly horizontal pockets that things fall out of, and the first thing I'd done on entering the house was go to the bog. Lift the drain cover, get the hose pipe and clear out the trap they'd have ended up in - nothing. Madame joined in the hunt and an hour and a half after the hunt started found them in her bag which was hanging on a chair near to the kitchen table. The keys had somehow lept from the kitchen table into her bag, pricks!
😆
That thing about the crash detection system in cars has reminded me. Our Skoda has some sort of system that integrates the parking sensors and longer-range adaptive cruise control, and can alert us if it thinks we’re going to hit something while we’re driving.
Every now and then, when driving at around 20mph, this will trigger at the front of the car – and then, a moment later at the back of the car. When there’s clearly nothing there.
The first couple of times it did it, it properly shook me. It’s now happened enough times that my son will remark “have we just driven through another ghost?”
It was either the Skoda (Octavia) that I had or the Civic, driving along one day using ACC, all of a sudden it screamed and stood the car on its nose like I'd just thrown a boat anchor out the back, it'd shat itself over a ****ing crisp packet in the road.
Self-driving cars, right.
Autocorrect which you don’t realise is on. In typing this post it has decided that when I type startle I meant to type start, and swear becomes sweat. **** right off, I know what I mean!
Dear autocarrot: it's never "duck." It's rarely "aunt."
See through plastic blister packs containing potentially useful, yet inaccessible, scissors.
This one time, at band camp in Lakeland I think, I saw a pair of blister pack scissors... in a blister pack. Great idea but to get into them you'd need... it's turtles all the way down, isn't it.
Every modern car. I don’t need to be told I don’t have my seat belt on.
The Hyundai I had, I nicknamed it Crosby because every time you did anything it went "bing!" Speck of dust on the passenger seat, bing!
Bing!
Bing!
Bing!
[size=20]Bing![/size]
[size=25]Bing![/size]
[size=30]Bing![/size]
[size=35]Bing![/size]
[size=40]Bing![/size]
Duck off.
Oh, and,
I understand how difficult it is to program a progress bar. (I think there's a Tom Scott video on that too.) But for gods' sake, "100%" - so why are you still going, then?
Autocorrect is a massive prick. I swear Apple, ****ing deal with it.
The small bit of paper with irrelevant information instead every pack of paracetamol. No one reads it. ****t
It's a nesesary evil... Otherwise you'll get people overdosing on paracetamol and suing because they weren't warned.
See also 'warning: contains eggs' warnings in the small print on... Cartons of eggs.
The small bit of paper with irrelevant information instead every pack of paracetamol. No one reads it. ****t
No matter how often I open a pack of tablets, even to the point of thinking "I always do this, I'll do it the other way" and second-guessing myself, I invariably open the end of the box which has the paper wrapped over the tablets.
Pricks.
How could we forget https://www.saddlespur.com/ ?!
Autocorrect is a massive prick. I swear Apple, **** deal with it.
I’m sure you must be aware that Windows had autocorrect before Apple came along, and Android has autocorrect as well, and don’t forget, Google was developing Android before Apple introduced iOS.
iOS isn’t perfect, but it’s become good enough to predict complete words, even sometimes complete sentences and phrases, depending on the context, which it’s done several times in this sentence.
It’s often as good as I am, sometimes better, because it’s learned by the context of my writing.
Oh, and 👇🏻: some things are nothing but pricks! 😉
I’m sure you must be aware that Windows had autocorrect before Apple came along, and Android has autocorrect as well, and don’t forget, Google was developing Android before Apple introduced iOS.
iOS isn’t perfect, but it’s become good enough to predict complete words, even sometimes complete sentences and phrases, depending on the context, which it’s done several times in this sentence.
It’s often as good as I am, sometimes better, because it’s learned by the context of my writing.
I’m aware but currently use and Apple device and it autocorrects swear words every time. The prick
For those who don't like seatbelt noises, there's a plug under the passenger seat to unplug, you'll have a warning light on the dash but no beep beep when you throw your bag on the seat (Dacia/Renault, other cars may go into limp mode or require a towtruck and reboot if you unplug the seat - no idea).
The Bluetooth in my Mini that struggles with the only job it has to do. Connect the car with two different iPhones. Mini in their wisdom removed the built in SatNav (I get why, I'm not a luddite) and instead relies on the driver using car-play, then installs a Bluetooth system so pedantic and finicky that it sometimes requires you to remove the phone it was happily connecting with just moments ago, and re-install the same phone which it will now recognise. If both phones are in the car simultaneously, it has a minor epi-scopie trying to figure out which one to connect to.
Idiot.
Back to washing machines. Delay start functions that work back from the finish time. Programme runs for 4 hours and 15 minutes, it's 11:15pm and I want this dry and ready to go by 6:30am. Why am I having to do complex maths whilst my brain wants to sleep? A simple don't start until after 2 hours 45 minutes have elapsed timer would be better.
Our machine works in increments of 30 minutes on the delay start, so it's either going to finish early or late and that will be the wash that has something in tit that prevents the clothes drying completely. When it dies I will build a trebuchet and launch into low earth orbit.
Cutlery drainers.
No matter how often I open a pack of tablets, even to the point of thinking “I always do this, I’ll do it the other way” and second-guessing myself, I invariably open the end of the box which has the paper wrapped over the tablets.
Pricks.
Every. ****ing. Time.
Our printer isn't a prick, and I'm still surprised every time it just works, like I've undergone 30 years of conditioning to expect it to just sit there and blink it's green LED defiantly.
I presume it's because we've gone for a subscription one and HP have realized that people either:
a) will pay a ransom for a working printer each month
b) won't keep paying them if it doesn't print.
I don't want to attribute it to maleficence, but it's hard not to.
Sixty. I counted them. Needy little attention-seeking prick.
We bought a fancy Samsung heat pump tumble dryer.
It's finishing chime is referred to in our house as the National Anthem of Laundrylandia and everyone stands for it.
I'm not even convinced it's an actual tune, it doesn't sound like 4/4 time at least, I think it's just a random jingle of beeps.
For those who don’t like seatbelt noises, there’s a plug under the passenger seat to unplug
Don't do this. That's likely the sensor that tells the car that there is someone in the seat and on a modern enough car how heavy they are - the airbags etc can modulate to give the best possible protection. If it thinks that there is no one in the seat then they might fail to go off completely in a crash for example.
I believe part of the regulations is that it must be possible to disable seatbelt warning noises without touching wires - to prevent people from messing with the wires for reasons like this (and other unintended consequences).
Google it for your car model - there will be some hidden combination of buttons to press etc to turn it off.
Delay start functions that work back from the finish time. Programme runs for 4 hours and 15 minutes, it’s 11:15pm and I want this dry and ready to go by 6:30am. Why am I having to do complex maths whilst my brain wants to sleep? A simple don’t start until after 2 hours 45 minutes have elapsed timer would be better.
Bucking the trend I know, but in praise of my washing machine - if you set "delay start" via the front panel then it delays the start - but as it's a clever thing the cycle varies in length. However... if you click the button to enable the app control then you can use your phone to set the exact - the machine does a quick test spin to "weigh" the clothes and then starts at whatever time it needs to so that it finishes on schedule. And gives a phone notification when it's done. Which means that the ridiculously long "i'm finished" jingle can be swapped to the "simple beep" option.
Having just read the above back I'm off to join the Dull Mens Club group on Facebook.
USB plugs
When do they ever go in the right way up first time.
It’s finishing chime is referred to in our house as the National Anthem of Laundrylandia
Ours (Samsung) plays, or rather murders, some Shubert (a part of piano concerto) A bit of me dies every time it ends inexplicably half way through a bar. Just a couple of more notes Samsung...why?
USB plugs
When do they ever go in the right way up first time.
logo on the upper side of the plug. works in every horizontal slot
USB plugs
When do they ever go in the right way up first time.
No matter how often I open a pack of tablets, even to the point of thinking “I always do this, I’ll do it the other way” and second-guessing myself, I invariably open the end of the box which has the paper wrapped over the tablets.
Pricks.
I'm not alone 😭
My wife thinks I'm mad but I swear they do this deliberately. Anyone trying to make quantum computing just needs to get hold of Big Pharma's secrets, they solved this secretly years ago for the sole purpose of making Schrödinger's Paper to insert into the tablet boxes.
Google it for your car model – there will be some hidden combination of buttons to press etc to turn it off.
You could just put the seatbelt across the empty seat and connect it?
Every modern car.
Have you tried older cars?
With points? Carburetors? "brakes"? Rust? Oil leaks? Seats without headrests? Leaks around all the glass? No central locking? No rear seatbelts? Unpowered steering? Demisters capable of blowing mildly heated air only at one small spot on the passenger side?
They were pricks.
As it’s pancake day I’d like to nominate digital kitchen scales. I understand why they have an automatic power off feature but why the **** do they all seem to have this set so that it always turns them off if you stop for more than a few seconds when trying to weigh something out? Pricks.
crash detection system in cars
I had some big merc 4x4 one hire - GLE AMG something or other - for a job to get up stalkers tracks in the highlands with tools and materials . (a pick up would have been better but the hire co only had a top spec chelsea tractor available - it was a mess when I took it back, thankfully wasn't on my account)
Anyway it was November and we were getting battered by high winds up at the tops. One gust on an exposed ridge hit the car so hard it was convinced I'd crashed
A message came up on the dash telling me it had detected a crash and asking me if it should call a tow truck.
A tow truck? How about an ambulance you selfish prick.
I’d like to nominate digital kitchen scales.
Seconded. I'm not the fastest cook in the world, I have to remember to keep nudging it to stop it shutting down in between leeks.
Have you tried older cars?
My first car was a 1977 Fiesta (and isn't a security question). It was stolen one night. I was frankly impressed that they'd managed to start the bastarding thing. It required a 'just so' balance of throttle, manual choke and swearing.
I dated a girl who swore that her Feista had erogenous zones that need a tickle before it started..
I dated a girl who swore that her Feista had erogenous zones that need a tickle before it started..
are you sure it wasn’t a Volvo?
Inspired by this thread I decided to google the instructions to my Ikea microwave, to see if I could persuade it to only beep once on completion... but no. The designer, who is clearly a **** of the highest order, decided that the damn thing should repeat the beep not just once again, but once a minute for 10 minutes! And obviously there's no way to change this 🤬
Duvet covers. They are pricks to go on and pricks to come off.
Microsoft Authenticator. <opens teams or any O365 app to be greeted by> "YOU NEED A NEW CODE!" <opens authenticator, select the account to generate the code >"YOU NEED A NEW CODE!" you snivelling pile of junk, why are you trying to 2fa a request within the 2fa app, you've basically started an infinite loop.
British plugs are comedy. Superbly engineered for their job and backed by amazing post-war propaganda to hide the fact they needed to be overengineered as Britain was broke, couldn't afford to rewire the place with individual circuits and so entrusted the fused plug to protect our heroic population. Meanwhile the whole* of continental Europe got RCDs, properly shielded schuco plugs & sockets and largely future proof electrics.
*ok the Swiss and Italians went their own way but came around eventually.
Nonsensical washing machine settings.
Yep, my cheap beko machine has 20 odd setting and a normal wash at 30° takes 90mins or so, gawd knows what all the other settings do as I’ve never used them, needless to say I only use the super short wash at 30° which takes 28mins.
Sunvisors which are clearly designed for a non existent rear view mirror. Absolutely shite. Either leave the Mirror or fit longer visors you tight bastards.
The sheer amount of small electrical gadgets (toothbrushes, exfoliators), that could be recharged magnetically…
Sunvisors which are clearly designed for a non existent rear view mirror. Absolutely shite. Either leave the Mirror or fit longer visors you tight bastards.
I've got a Connect too. What also annoys me is the unemployed lump on that sensor cover that the mirror could attach to. How hard/expensive would it have been to design a flat cover foe MOST vans that have a bulkhead or no rear windows?
greatbeardedone
... exfoliators),
Username doesn't check out.
^^^^guitar pedals, dustbusters, and Bluetooth headphones too.^^^^
🎵 These are a few of my favourite things 🎵
(Aside, trying to remember the actual lyrics to that song, my brain just came up with "... and handles on kittens," that surely can't be right.)
seems unlikely
although useful in some circumstances
Mittens on kittens? Which frankly seems daft.
You've clearly not met my kittens.
You’ve clearly not met my kittens.
They've not tried to take a dump in my garden then?
its whiskers on kittens is it not?
#
That makes more sense, although it'd have to be a long favourite things list.
Last time I hired a van it had a bulkhead and a rear view mirror. Of all the annoying pointless....
I was told if a van had rear windows it needed a mirror even with a bulkhead.
This one didn't have rear windows...
They’ve not tried to take a dump in my garden then?
Highly unlikely unless your garden is in my kitchen.
Blood pressure monitors. “Let’s see whether you can still relax while I squeeze your arm far tighter than necessary.”
ossify
Full Member
Last time I hired a van it had a bulkhead and a rear view mirror. Of all the annoying pointless…
Scaffolder spec?
A mirror would mean not being blinded due to sunvisors that are too short. It’s like a third sunvisor or handy to get crap out of your eye on a proper poverty spec van with no visor mirror.
Toyota Hiace used to have that. Was useful when a tipper truck knocked my side mirror off. Un clip drivers mirror and gaffer tape to mirror stump. Was also impressed at the whole replacement mirror being £12 or something daft like that.
I dated a girl who swore that her Feista had erogenous zones that need a tickle before it started..
are you sure it wasn’t a Volvo?
one does not simply date a Volvo
I'm ready to escalate the war I'm having with my alarm clock to 'Caddyshack' levels. It's an Amazon Echo Dot. Very small and unobtrusive with a LED clock face on it. It sits about 30cm away from my ear on the bedside table. My wife loves it.
The alarm volume.....
No matter how it is set, the alarm volume will randomly reset to apocalypse levels. I've even set up a routine on the damn thing so that it reduces the volume to 10% around 30 minutes before I get up. I heard it beep at 10% this morning, but when the music started 30 minutes later? I left an imprint in the ceiling.
It hates me and I hate it.
Supermarket self-checkout machines.
Are all, to a machine, utter pricks.
Surprising item in the bagging area... no, no there is not...
I have the same Echo next to the bed and haven't had that issue. Get on to Amazon support? Maybe it's broken.
Surprising item in the bagging area… no, no there is not…
"Unexpected" but yes. What were you expecting in the bagging area if not my shopping? A scale model of the Eiffel Tower? Ant and Dec? What?
Honestly though, it's the animate objects using them which are real pricks here. The local Tesco has had the truly braindead idea on making the Scan As You Go tills (with the little barcode guns you carry round the store) the same ones as Self Scan. Unless I'm buying something which needs an attendant (which is a whole other gripe) I've Scanned and Gone inside of ten seconds. Invariably though they tills are gridlocked by pricks who have decided to do their annual shop at 3:50pm on a Sunday. When they've finally scanned all their shopping, just before the heat death of the universe, they then - THEN - start bagging everything up into their trolley. Just take your shit and piss off.
but when the music started 30 minutes later? I left an imprint in the ceiling.
Humble brag.
Freezers. Specifically, our freezer and the 'door open' alarm that goes off after an insufficient period of time has passed. FFS all I'm doing is loading in the weekly shop, won't you let me do it without the hysterical BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP shenanigans please. The only way to silcence it it to close then reopen the door, but then of course the suction or whatever the **** happens mean you just about wrench the door off trying to reopen the ****er. Prick.
Invariably though they tills are gridlocked by pricks who have decided to do their annual shop at 3:50pm on a Sunday. When they’ve finally scanned all their shopping, just before the heat death of the universe, they then – THEN – start bagging everything up into their trolley. Just take your shit and piss off.
Quality rant, good work!
And yes - what is it about people who use those tills dumping all their stuff into the packing area BUT NOT ACTUALLY PACKING IT?!
It's specifically called The Packing Area. Put bag in it, scan item, pack. End, pay, pick up bag, go.
Not - dump all your groceries in random piles, pay, spend another 10 minutes packing them into bags, then go.
Absolute morons.
And on a related note - automatic e-passport gates. Seriously people, how difficult can it be?! Follow arrows and instructions. Scan passport. Get through.
The problem is that the machines are not designed to cope with the utter stupidity of the average airline passenger so if they're 4mm out of line or blink at the wrong time, the machine will throw a fit. Although I'm still willing to go with 10% machine fault and 90% fault with the moron passenger trying to use it.
“Unexpected” but yes. What were you expecting in the bagging area if not my shopping? A scale model of the Eiffel Tower? Ant and Dec? What?
Ice skating mongooses dancing the Bolero.