Now I am not a person prone to ups and downs. Mainly stick on the level, just shy of a miserable git, but did a 3 hour road ride on my own today and sobbed around most of it. Earlier this summer a kid I had taught for 3 years took his own life. He was a great kid who had often struggled to attend school due to mental health issues. I had tried to support him as best I could and his parents seemed to appreciate that I emailed him work whenever he wasn't in. Anyway he came to school most days in year 11 and did his exams and I hoped to see him doing science a levels. He never got to see that despite being in a lower science set he got a grade 8.
I have this nagging feeling somehow I pushed him too hard and contributed to this....the rational part of my brain realises that I just wanted the best for him..... I don't know, guess I need time....
The first step is to speak about it, so well done for posting.
Speak to your GP, you may need some time and space and maybe medication while you process this, and I suspect/hope that your union will be able to provide a link to some counselling and support
It sounds to me like you supported him in exactly the way you wished. No part of that (shown by the thanks from the parents) suggests you had a negative impact.
It's only natural to question your involvement but I will repeat myself by saying it doesn't sound like you had a negative impact.
A good so session foes us a world of good sometimes. I have lost close friends and more recently both my parents and I have a good so now and then. Doesn't feel good at the time but looking back I can tell it's helped. Along with the sharing of the sob sessions too.
My words above may sound like they don't cover the enormity of some situations. For that I can only apologise as I know how a seemingly normal occasion can affect your mental state.
Another recommendation to contact your union helpline for a reference to a local/phone counsellor you can talk with.
Sounds like you did your best and unfortunately your pupil chose his path despite your efforts. You did well as many of the teachers I knew and also had to deal with wouldn't have contacted me direct.
Have a man hug and a hope that you can get your head around it.
That's tough to hear - and as a parent I've regularly questioned how much I push or step back. I believe there's no right or wrong way here.
Big virtual hugs from me.
Have a man hug you soppy crabby get♥️
You did what you could. I very much doubt a teacher showing interest and encouragement did anything but good.
That it wasn't enough is in no way your fault.
A chat with a pro might help reorder disordered thought.
What Matt said.
Big hugs here too. I've seen you post a few times about teaching, you are definitely one of the good guys,
Go easy on yourself.
I guess one way of resolving it is to go and talk to the parents. It might help them to know that somebody else thinks he was a great kid, especially somebody who went out of their way to support him.
I work in Pastoral care in a Secondary school, and would echo that you shouldn't hold yourself accountable for this.
Like you, I try my hardest every day to meet, and help meet, the needs of the kids on my caseload, but I'm not omnipotent, and I am only one person in a complex world. There are many spinning plates and some you don't even know about.
I would seek some help from your employer. Your line manager will likely say "It's not your fault" but you need more than this, as recommended above. You mustnt feel bad or guilty about seeking support.
A few weeks ago I switched on my work phone at 8.30am and received a text message that said "Mr L, can you please call Carly's Mum and tell her she's taken an overdose". The message was sent by a different 14yo girl at 2.46pm on the Saturday.
I responded immediately and fortunately 'Carly' was 'OK' at that point. Mum didn't know, but she had been spewing all day Sunday (fistful of Paracetamol). They went to A&E and she was checked, found to be OK, and referred for further support. Her Mum was in bits.
I spoke to my Line Manager about what we should do differently, and we decided, nothing. I just can't be a 24/7 responder to this and keep my phone with me and on at all times. That isn't my role, but it also doesn't mean I don't care. Sometimes I'm nervous about switching it on if it has been off, and I now deliberately leave it at school when I go home.
In the past I have played my part in a system that puts young people under pressure to attend school. When everything came out into the open with one child, I reflected on what we had been doing to get them into school, and actually considered that I had been culpable in actually abusing the child - heaping more trauma on top of pre-existing trauma. Crucially, there were things I didn't know, or even suspect, whilst I was trying to work in the 'best interests' of the child. This has stuck with me and it will influence me for the rest of my life.
You are not responsible for this, and at the same time I can totally understand why you think you are.
Sounds to me like you included him and tried to help.
Awful. So awful. But you were one of the ones helping him, not contributing to this.
It's simply a natural response of a good person to wonder if you could have done more.
You went the extra mile to help the kid as best as you could. Please remember that and look after yourself.
Thanks for the kind words. I know my thoughts are kind of stupid, I know I did my best, I just need to get the disordered thoughts back in the right order as TJ said...still first step is done, my name is anagallis I have a problem that needs fixing!
Shall i just mention rugby?
* runs away*
This is a guilt thing that seems to come after suicide. I feel exactly the same way about my dad, always thinking I should have phoned him that morning because if I had he'd still be with us.
Regardless of the reality that if it wasn't that day it was probably going to be another.
Get counselling and remember you were doing your best, at worst you were just a small part of something greater. Either way, his death isn't on you. This isn't easy to deal with and you shouldn't go it alone. Trust me, I've been trying for over a year and it's not worked.
I have this nagging feeling somehow I pushed him too hard and contributed to this…
This is human nature. It's also bullshit. Stop it.
Suicide is shit, I've lost a couple of friends to it and it's very easy to fall into the rabbithole of Woulda Coulda Shoulda. Ultimately we all do the best we can and that's all anyone can expect. (Some don't manage that, so you're ahead of the curve.)
Time is a great healer, though perhaps not the sweeping panacea some people might have you believe. And y'know, that's OK. From the sounds of things you touched the kid's life in a positive way, try to keep that in mind.
I know my thoughts are kind of stupid
Stupid is the wrong word here.
Emotional? Reactionary? Understandable? Coping? Problem-solving? Rationalising? Many others potentially, but not stupid. Grief does not come with a Haynes Manual.
Grief does not come with a Haynes Manual.
Wish it did. I have been caught by suprise by my reaction several times
The other thing is everyones grief is unique. There are no rights and wrongs and you can't play grief top trumps ( inless you are gnusmus. He wins 🤣🙄)
It’s support from teachers like yourself that got my daughter through year 11. She hardly attended during this year, but was supported by the school and certain teachers (through counselling and emailing work home to her), which enabled her to do a decent job of her GCSEs.
We were really worried about her for some time but the teachers really did have her best interests at heart - same as you by the sounds of it. It is a real tragedy - I can’t imagine the pain everyone is going through, but you’re not in anyway to blame.
Keep talking
Don’t beat yourself up OP, it sounds like you did all you could and had a positive impact. It’s so sad that things turned out the way they did but you must not blame yourself. Well done for combining grief and sobbing with a bike ride! In all seriousness I do a lot of reflecting during long road rides and it is amazing how emotions can surface unexpectedly, it’s all good and necessary though.
I agree with all of the above, especially the counselling part. I contacted our employee assistance program a couple of months ago, looking for some information and I accidentally got put through to a counsellor (in hindsight I’m not sure it was an accident!). I’ve always thought of myself as somewhat stoic and old skool in the emotional stakes but I spent two hours talking to a complete stranger and it helped tremendously. I hadn’t realised but I was struggling with a few issues that I thought I’d dealt with, turns out I had just buried them. I would hope that someone in your position would have a huge support network behind you - please use it.
I lost three students to road traffic accidents, one involved the lad killing his girlfriend. I felt exactly the same as you and constantly questioned what I could have done or said that would have prevented it.
As a teacher you naturally build relationships with your students and you wouldn’t be doing your job if you didn’t. Pushing learners to achieve their potential is also fundamental to being a good teacher. Take some solace from the reality of doing your job well.
Suicide is tragic, especially in kids and even more so when it’s a kid that you knew well. As other posters have said, you’ve made a big step forward by talking to us lot but if you can access some counselling it can’t do any harm. Have a big virtual hug from sandboy.
I know my thoughts are kind of stupid
But a very normal human reaction. We all have doubts, guilt feelings, and thoughts of "if only I had done", when we lose someone or something which we felt we had a responsibility for.
Talking to someone is really useful and important because it allows us to have a better perspective than internal dialogue which tends to be negative and critical.
Talking to a trained professional is even better because it will be a subject that they will have researched and learnt to fully understand.
Well put Ernie.
As a parent of teens in that age group - I think you did everything you could. You seem to have been extremely thoughtful and perhaps now feel more responsible than you actually are.
Others have great practical advice, but I empathise with you and how you are feeling.
Really sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I've seen similar reactions in other colleagues who've taught young people who took their own lives, and I certainly wouldn't dismiss your feeling as 'stupid', nor would I place any blame on you.
I'd echo what ahs been mentioned above about speaking to your union about counselling/advice. I know a few folk who found it really helpful.
I hope you find the energy to be kind to yourself.
anagallis_arvensis you sound like a thoroughly decent person. Its the curse of people such as yourself to question their motivations and their effects even when they should not.
It's the price decent people pay for caring about others around them.
I wish you all the best in finding your way past how you presently feel.
