[Closed] I'm giving a 30 minute talk on 'Mountain Biking' at lunchtime.....

Picolax?

Nutrition - aka Greggs.

Cheeky trails 😉

Massive long exchange on the merits of different tyre sizes and tread patterns

You need to hammer home the safety message by showing them photos of horrible injuries and describing tragic incidents.

You can talk for 30 minutes?

Aches
Ageing
Airguns
Arse-creams
Bacon
Baps v buns?
Beards?
Beer
Cake
Clavicles
Clarkson
'Craft' ales
Crises
Dogshit...

...
V.A.G.
Vegans
Vans
Zzzzzz. 😉

...

You must wear lycra for the talk

And brag about ramming horses

Which topics dear to the heart of STW'ers should I include?

Just spend half an hour whingeing about something - preferably other people's life choices. I would suggest obese people.

EDIT : Religious obese people would be a good one.

I'd just open the meeting with a link to this forum, then go get a cup of tea.

Discuss the opening and closing merits of different wheel sizes, the time will fly by.

Taking the Lycra, not modelling it though.
🙂

Access & cheeky already on the list.

Hammy, I can talk for hours.
About anything.
Luckily, not one of the audience has ridden a bike in years, so I can just make most of it up as I go along.
🙂

Just stand and shout STRAAAAAAAVA every ten seconds.

it's a broad church, from gnarly canal paths, to the redbull freeride, it's all mountainbiking.

it's not expensive: you can buy a really great bike for about £500, which sounds a lot, but it's about the same as gym membership.

it's as dangerous as you want it to be.

you don't need mountains. the trails in the woods behind Nationwide, Swindon, are world famous.

Will you do the 'Power Point Presentation' and have a laser pen to point at pies

Make sure to include all ends of the spectrum. Bikes on top of mountains, bimbling in the woods, families on towpaths, Rampage....

No Power Point.
Nothing sadder than watching someone crumble when all their toys break down.

I'm actually taking my bike.
And my kit.
Which has been washed.

All I need now is a volunteer for the Sealskinz demonstration.
🙂

Explain wheel sizing

[url= http://www.bike198.com/rules-trail-commandments-mountain/ ]Empahises the biking rules.[/url]

Maybe talk about the dangers of brake levers..
[IMG] [/IMG]
[IMG] [/IMG]

😯 holy crap that will smart a bit

30 minutes is a very long time 😆

I know.
🙂

I'm hoping most people fall asleep before I demonstrate the Switzerland Squeaker.

How were you sitting on the bike to get those bits in your bits 😯

You know when they say "grab a handful of brake", you're not meant to actually do that?

Who are you talking to? Kids? Workmates? members of the public? Local council?

Get slat hoofage in there ftw

Are you competent to give talk on mountain biking?

It's part of an exam.

Couple of assessors, my boss, company directors etc.
No pressure then.

Starting with the what/why/where, historical context etc - 10 minutes.
Moving on to modern useage, cost, practicalities, access, racing, social side, E-bikes, changing demographics etc. Another 10 minutes.
Finish with a show and tell of bike and bits, then questions.

Competent?
Not a word ever used about me in relation to cycling.

I do have a remarkable talent for bullshit however, which has seen me through many such situations in the past.

Off now, wish me luck.
🙂

Good luck. Show them the joys of a full boing mountain bike and the joys of peeing in the great outdoors.

Dare you to do this off the stage..

Radz Dude

[img] [/img]

Don't talk about long hill climbs; it'll go downhill rapidly after that if you do.

I do have a remarkable talent for bullshit however

You need to stand there in full 'enduro' kit.
Have a bag of tangfastics to hand around after or some sort of pastry based product.

Mention tyres, 29ers, and fat bikes.

What I'm most shocked about is that we have in our midst a stwer who actually rides an mtb.

Let us know how it goes?

How dare you say the OP actually rides a MTB 😯

Talk like that could tarnish his reputataion and get him funny looks when ever he pulls off his helmet in the works carppark.

That would get me sacked.

have a bucket of mud handy and occasionally throw it at them for added realism? Feel free to add dog shit if you don't much like your boss 😈

Hi Rusty, how did it go? did you wave an OS at them and shout "burn all trailcentres!"

Did you demonstrate how to change an inner tube and then throw the old one up in the air until it got hung up on the office lighting Before leaving in a wake of empty energy bar wrappers.

Did you brief them on the correct procedure to bring the trail alive when riding a particular size of wheel?

And did you get changed into your biking gear in full view of women & children?

We all hope you held this meeting around a Woodburner

was it preceded by 3/4 of an hour in the car park talking about talking about mountain biking ?

OP probably used a 26er and got hounded out of town 🙁

I shall miss you OP

Did you have pudding?

It was cancelled, half the audience cried off sick.
Too sick to let me know before I set off, miserable sods.
😐

Not a happy sausage at all.
But as I had my bike and all my gear with me I went for a ride instead.
Foggy out.
Fun though.
🙂

They just feared that they could never be as awesome as you on two wheels 😉

Must be hard being born with hollywood looks and talent 8)

Yup.
I look like Cousin It and have the cycling talent of Lassie.

Ed, still beats giving a presentation on the latest FSA complaint procedure to 60 odd bored insurance workers.
Don't miss that one bit.
😀

Did you wheelie out of the office then??? 😆

I'm saving learning how to wheelie for retirement.
🙂

presentation on the latest FSA complaint procedure to 60 odd bored insurance workers.

I think I was one of those faces.

Turn the lights off and shine your 3000 lumen head torch in their eyes and explain this is what a drink stop is like on a night ride.

You are Katie Hopkins...............£5 please 😀

Turn the lights off and shine your 3000 lumen head torch in their eyes and explain this is what a drink stop is like on a night ride

Just about to post this, take a bike light in, one of them will look into it, (someone always does) the subsequent fuss will kill three of four minutes.

You are Katie Hopkins...............£5 please

😆