Everyone knows it. Now I know it, and I have to admit it.
Sob story for later.
I bought a fantastic bike that I thought would bring me out of my hole, go on rides like I used to, distant and far lands, bivi a month, ride with mates again etc etc.
Nope. New bike to ride to the pub. New bike to fettle on whist in the garage with a few Brew Dogs, ( of different flavours so I can pretend I’m a connoisseur of beer).
I really thought having a ‘proper ‘ mountain bike again would reinvigorate me, and it has, but, I went on a ride recently, I stopped into the pub because I was exhausted after 5 miles and I realised I liked my own company and a beer.
I want mountains, I want camping overnight, I want to session trails, but even with this new bike it’s not happening.
I am extremely exhausted every single frustrating day. I work, but sleep most of the time. I do like a drink out of work mostly at home, not really a pub person.
I am an alcoholic as the new bike hasn’t changed anything though I want it to.
I’m not the person I want to be.
I haven’t changed much in ten years, neither has this forum. Same old people, same arguments, same stories, but still a place to come to when the chips are down. I’m not normal, haven’t been here in a long time. Depression has worsened, drink is always there.
But, I have admitted it to you all, a first step. I’m an alcoholic.
I don't think I can really help. But well done for taking that step. It's in the right direction I think. All the best.
Depression has worsened, drink is always there.
As you no doubt know the two, ie depression and drink, are very closely related.
Anyway well done for identifying the problem, that I believe is the first step to recovery. I have known several people who have been helped massively through joining AA but I know that because of the spiritual side of it that it isn't for everyone.
It's not an issue which I have had to deal with personally myself but I am immensely impressed with those who are able to overcome it and turn their lives around. I went to a large AA meeting once and felt genuinely humbled by listening to how people had dealt and overcomed horrendous problems which I have never had to deal with.
All I can suggest is that you seek help and support from those qualified to offer it although I am sure there are plenty on here that will be able to offer you better advice. Good luck! 🤞
It's a hard road, with more pot holes than your average English main street.
Stay strong, and stay focused, as it's the long term goal thats the reward.
Depression has worsened, drink is always there.
As you no doubt know the two, ie depression and drink, are very closely related.
Anyway well done for identifying the problem, that I believe is the first step to recovery. I have known several people who have been helped massively through joining AA but I know that because of the spiritual side of it that it isn't for everyone.
It's not an issue which I have had to deal with personally myself but I am immensely impressed with those who are able to overcome it and turn their lives around. I went to a large AA meeting once and felt genuinely humbled by listening to how people had dealt and overcomed horrendous problems which I have never had to deal with.
All I can suggest is that you seek help and support from those qualified to offer it although I am sure there are plenty on here that will be able to offer you better advice. Good luck! 🤞
I have seeked help
I am not allowed to see a psychiatrist unless I accept pills. I am not allowed to seek a diagnosis unless I see a psychiatrist. Who wants to give me pills.
Therfore I could on for years not knowing what is going on, burdening the social care and my family and the police maybe.
It’s unfair.
If I saw a psychiatrist they would give me a diagnosis and put me on pills. As I don’t want to be put on pills I am not able to be in the system and give me a diagnosis. I think I should be able to seek help and be given a diagnosis without being forced to take pills.
For the record several of the people said I had PTSD and something about not wanting to be around people.
That’s fine. Didn’t know anything about it. Know nothing about PTSD or the other thing about not wanting to go out.
I’m discovering as I go on. Stuff is being remembered.
Suicide that my mum says I didn’t see. Have realised that I did see it.
Stupid people treating me like a kid. Telling me all sorts, telling me for years he was killed in a car crash.
I see it, his body without a head. He committed suicide. I now see flashes of his body without a head. Open verdict with a shotgun beside him? He shot himself. Nobody believes me that I saw him. I know that I saw him. My mother is lying.
i am calm, I see him now lying down but I don’t recognise him, I’m confused, I get taken out if the house
I know I used to talk here and I thought I was a nice person.
a depressed person, but helped everyone if I could.
things are starting to open up. I’m 52.
i cry all the time.
I have had two terrible lives.
Anyone here had a few pistols placed on the coffee table and been asked to clean them for the next robbery? Like it was a car wash fir a fiver?
I didn’t know it was a robbery I didnt know why they had guns on the table.
I didn’t understand.
guns meant death to me and they just sat them down as if normal.
he got 6 months because he knew the coppers. Should have been 12 years.
He got away with beating and raping my mum for 20 years because he knew the coppers.
One copper called me a coward because I went to get them at the end of the road to get them there faster to my mum to direct them, but he said I was a coward because I left. He literally called me a coward to my face at the gate to my house that my mother had just been raped in. I was 13, chasing down the road trying to find the police to direct them into my house. I thought I was getting them faster.
My friends and I weren’t going in there because he had a knife and he was holding my siblings hostage raping my mum and holding knives to them.
The Thames Valley Police were absolutely horrible. Called me a coward. To a 13 year old kid.
let loose, been bullied all my life I don’t care
You should certainly seek help mate. Unless you're deemed a danger to yourself or others, they won't force you to take pills.
But you might find that talking to someone that won't judge you will help you process the things that are causing the pain. If you don't process them they won't go away. If you do process them, with the passage of time things can get better.
I haven't been through what you've been through, but I have been able to eventually feel better about things that brought me to my knees, and the first step in that was talking.
Sorry
You've nothing to apologise for here. You said it at the start of the thread. You've taken the first step. People here will help will happily help you take more steps.
But, I have admitted it to you all, a first step. I’m an alcoholic.
I’ll disappear in the morning. Don’t know why I came
back again. My brain told me.
After 10 years or so nothing has changed in here or in my mind.
No problem.
Im settled.
I didn’t see a response for hours despite refreshing the page. My apologies if I missed you.
What a shit format to talk on? Don’t know who has responded, I think no one is talking to me? Could have killed myself. Then I see someone has responded? Jesus! Love to come back here and talk to people but the format is ancient. I was thinking no one cared , about to get a stanly knife out, hit return!
My first apology is to my mum for not being big enough to stop him. I just wasn’t big enough, Im so sorry.
I was so small and I was so scared. I couldn’t help you. I couldn’t help you and it’s spiralling into our families, no one helps us. No one cares. I remember the last day, I knew there was trouble but no one else sensed it. Nobody else cared what that bastard was up to, but I knew. Bastard took us through so many days of terror. He hated me. Let me know it as well.
I’m a nice guy. I work. I have two lovely children. Have a house. Have a lovely girlfriend of 25 years that was told she was going to die. She didn’t. I have a choice to die and I want it like you wouldn’t believe. My girlfriend was told she was dying and we haven’t spoken about it. She didn’t have a choice, Im selfish.
I hate myself.
Try to find a psychotherapist, not a psychiatrist. The latter is trained to treat physical manifestations of psychological problems with pharmaceuticals, the former tries to address psychological problems with psychotherapy. Psychotherapists more often than not have no ability to prescribe drugs, so don’t rely on them to treat symptoms.
Morning…. Thanks for sharing, as the old saying goes… I’d rather listen to your problems than your obituary.
A lot of your first post rings true with me, over the last 10 years a bike has been a method of transport to the pub and back. Luckily for me I’m not dependent on it but can see how easily it can be for people.
Don’t be afraid of the pills… after trying different ones I’ve found the right ones and they’re a massive help and don’t know how i would’ve coped without them.
yes this forum is utter **** to use, but stick it out, we’re here.
Good luck, you won’t believe you can get through this, it may take time but you will.
To reiterate what Houns has just said, don't be so dismissive of the pills, I was on them for a couple of years, a couple of decades ago. They helped calm everything down and let me get onto an even keel without the swings back and forth between suicidal and blackout drunk.
I survived that, and I survived the pills.
I'm back in counseling now, due to some issues from my past which have cropped up after 30 plus years. Nothing as bad as what you seem to have experienced, but I can tell you, it does help.
I doubt I'll need the pills this time around, but if I do I'll certainly take them.
It sounds like you have been to Hell and back more than once, donkeysled. I can’t imagine what it must be like.
Why don’t you want pills? They can change your life and get you back on track. Please seek medical help.
First off well done for being open that’s a good start.
Hopefully you have friends or family you can share this with too.
Don’t as others say dismiss pills, I did for too long and eventually went on them which did help a little. I too was alcohol dependent or cocodamol when I couldn’t have alcohol. Ultimately I was formally diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, depression and burnout which meant I ended up being pensioned out from work. That was almost a year ago and over a year since I last worked. I spent over a year reducing my alcohol and withdrawing from cocodamol, which wasn’t easy.
I am in a much better place now I have less exposure to new events increasing my conditions. I am not cure but in a far better place and doubt I’ll ever be cured.
Speak to your GP about a mental health lead, socialising helps but is very difficult when we are like that other than to hide behind a wall.
Please tell us you have contacts you can talk to?
I’m so sorry. Sorry, sorry.
Going for a very wet and muddy ride in half an hour to a Roman Site, with a very old mate. I haven’t read any comments as I haven’t settled from last night. Bouncing off the walls.
Need a bike ride. Please don’t be nasty to me, I’m at breaking point. To put stuff down helps me.
No need to apologise.
Enjoy your ride.
No one will be nasty to you here.
Good on you for getting out on the bike, talk to your mate and be honest.
Pills are not a negative thing, they do help if needed.
Keep talking as you need
I’m at breaking point.
If you that's how it feels I would suggest that you talk to someone at the Samaritans on 116 123
And if you are considering self-harming (you mentioned getting a Stanley knife) you could go to A&E
You say you have two children and a lovely partner, just remember that you owe it to them to fight this.
Alcohol will never improve the situation, it wrecks sleep, can be a depressant and will be worse than any pills.
As others have said, you've taken the first steps, admitted there is an issue, now do all you can to fight it and find some peace, don't be scared of medication or counselling, just remember even if you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for your family.
Going for a ride.
There's your first positive step for today.
Keep at it, no matter how short it all adds up and is worth while.
Even a spin around the block is better than no spin around the block.
Alcoholism is a living ****ing nightmare - I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.
My wife was 4 years sober last week - after 30 years of issues and drink.
Please have a think about the pills - they can help.
If you can, try AA - it changed my wife's life.
One day at a time and it will change.
I can't begin to comprehend what you are going through. But i really hope you get through it.
I'm very close to a couple of alcoholics who are both now in a very good place and have excellent lives. Keep the faith.
Mate, so sorry to read that. Seek help. Here, doctor, AA wherever. The Samaritans if you think of harming yourself (please, please don't). The forum delay is a pita. Don't assume if you don't get a prompt answer no one is listening. You've acknowledged the issue. That's a gigantic leap in the right direction.
Can't say much other than huge props for opening up any taking the first step.
I, like the other here, am listening.
It can't be easy being addicted to alcohol, well done on admitting it and being open - that's meant to be the hardest step.
Sounds like you need help, hopefully you have talked to your mate on the bike ride, and the bike ride should've helped a bit too.
As others have said you have a lot to fight for with a family at home, try and seek out the help you need.
I (genuinely) wish you all the best in this, keep us updated in your progress
I can't help much with alcoholism but wanted to say "hi" and wish you well. I've had my own long term battles with mental health issues & eating disorders so can sympathise to a degree. I've met recovered alcoholics along the way too; it's not an easy road but it is achievable.
For anyone who's struggling I'd recommend having the Samaritans details to hand, they're 24/7 so will be there when you need them most (much better than here if it's urgent, the forum is pretty ropey). Someone's mentioned AA, I've know it work for people.
I want mountains, I want camping overnight, I want to session trails, but even with this new bike it’s not happening.
It's not going to happen straight away, but with effort I'm sure it's achievable and it'll probably be even sweeter and more meaningful when you do get there. You need something to aim for and build towards in small steps.
I'm in a much better place now than I have been for a very long time & my bike is a huge part of that (although I'm only a pootler).
I'm on pills for life (for my mental & physical health) & they've made a massive difference to me. If they're offered you can decline (you should be involved in your own recovery) but don't discount them out of hand.
Anyway, all the best and I hope you find the support you need.
Thoughts are with you mate - the first step is a difficult one but putting a word on it like that - alcoholic - is a great start imho. It gives a diagnosis, of a condition that is medically accepted and one that can be treated.
You've a lot to save by seeking out help. Don't outright dismiss medication for mental health problems, but I'm nobody to tell you what to do. Everyone here is behind you!
I hear you. It sounds like you're really struggling at the moment, and it's a very good thing that you're talking on here about it, even if you're not talking to anyone else yet.
There are so many people and organisations who want to help you, and plenty of open ears on here as well.
On the alcohol thing, I can offer this: https://www.stopdrinkingexpert.com/about-us/ - the visual layout is horrible (to my eyes) and I know it looks cheesy and like every other borderline-scam site, but I listened to his e-book "The fastest way to stop drinking - guaranteed" on Audible and it honestly totally changed my drinking habits in four hours of audio. His method is very simple: as long as you think you're "giving up" something, you'll never be able to give it up. But when you look at that thing in a different way, you just don't want to do it any more. It doesn't take will power because you're not fighting anything. You just stop wanting to drink alcohol.
If you do want to give up the booze, I'd recommend trying that.
And for depression, keep talking. People want to listen and they want to help. I wish you continued courage.
I have nothing constructive to add other than, the AA's famous however-many-step programme involves finding god. They present "god" as being anything you want it to be such as inner strength or your soul, but it's basically religion by stealth. That might well work for you but it would be a deal-breaker for me.
There are a number of other associations but it's a postcode lottery and some require a GP's referral. That should be your first port of call.
Are you physically dependent? Do you get DTs (the shakes) when you go without for any length of time? If so, going cold turkey is a really bad idea as it can kill you, you need to taper off. If not, the time to quit is before you are.
Buy this. Take once daily. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00GL2JGTW
Huh, seems I did have something constructive to say after all.
I am not allowed to see a psychiatrist unless I accept pills. I am not allowed to seek a diagnosis unless I see a psychiatrist. Who wants to give me pills.
If you broke your leg, you'd have it bandaged up until it healed?
Its a similar situation with your brain.
Are you physically dependent? Do you get DTs (the shakes) when you go without for any length of time? If so, going cold turkey is areallybad idea as it can kill you, you need to taper off. If not, the time to quit is before you are.
This. Get yourself down to the GP and/or local Drug and Alcohol Support services. There are drugs they can give you to prevent seizures whilst you reduce your alcohol intake as well as offering other advice and support to help you reduce or eliminate your dependence. Breaking alcohol addiction/dependence is not something you can (or should) do on your own, it needs medical and professional help.
To put stuff down helps me.
I helps massively. Bottling it all up only causes internal conflict, which is more and more depressing. Out in the open is the way forward, you'll find it a massive release.
As to the other, of course you couldnt do anything, you were a child.
PTSD, i dont know if that ever leaves you really. I often think back, and can be set off by a news story or even a completely obscure reference, but blurting everything out as I did with my sis(I think i shocked the utter fk out of her), opens further flood gates, and more forgotten or repressed are released with it.
Dont apologize, there's nothing to apologize for. The past is the past and we cannot change it, and if we cannot change it we must accept it. Accept it and move on. Tomorrow is another day
At least you're not a roadie, be thankful for that 😉
AA's OK. You ignore the religious aspect, and you don't have to do the 12-steps to go to meetings either.
But most of all go see your GP or local drug and alcohol services, as has already been said, and a place at rehab if you can get it. Accept help - it's too difficult to do alone, and there's no reason you should do it alone ether. Do it now, as it only gets worse. Good luck.
and will be worse than any pills.
A very good point. For a lot of people alcohol is used as self-medication to deal with issues, unfortunately it is completely the wrong medication as the temporary relief it brings is always followed by a crash even worse than the original.
I understand the feeling that someone has that pills means that you are not in control but using alcohol as an alternative means exactly that.
Taking pills actually means that you are showing a determination to take back control of your life.
Anyway despite the fact that the road ahead will be a difficult one with undoubtedly many pitfalls along way you starting this thread convinces me that you will succeed. The many people who succeed are the people who accept the problem and understand that things must change, you are clearly at that position now. The people who never recover at the ones who have never reached that point.
Keep us informed of your difficult journey ahead and remember that every journey starts with a single step.
For goodness sake. https://www.https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00GL2JGTWamazon.co.uk/dp/B00GL2JGTW
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00GL2JGTW
Donkeysled, others have said things on here far more constructive than I can, but just know that your story has really touched me, you’re clearly a thoroughly decent guy who has had to deal with things that nobody should have to deal with, please, please dig deep, you are valued!
you have made a positive first step writing on here, keep going!
Can only echo what others have said. Well done for posting on here. You have recognised the problem. Talk to anyone gp Samaritans drug and alcohol counsellor. Anyone you can trust.
As you no doubt know the two, ie depression and drink, are very closely related.
Something I am all too familiar with. My late partner had a tendency towards depression, which I wasn’t aware of when I first met her, unsurprising as we were just friends and only met up occasionally. After a gap of 20+ years, she suddenly reappeared, and became part of my life. During the gap where I had no idea where she’d been, she’d suffered a sub-arachnoid haemorrhage which profoundly affected her personality, the position exacerbated her depression and she coped by drinking. She also had suicidal thoughts.
It’s very difficult to deal with as a partner, with no prior experience of the condition, and I found it hard at times, but I was doing a lot of research into new treatments involving microdosing with ketamine and psilocybin while undergoing psychological therapy, and I heard there were a series of treatment sessions being set up at five NHS clinics, Exeter and Oxford among them.
Sadly, before I could get Joey the help that could have changed her life, she died suddenly, it will be four years in ten days time since I lost her.
Do some research into these treatments, the help they offer, from everything I’ve read, seem to be remarkably effective, each session lasting for months, and can only improve as knowledge of the way such treatments improves.
Good luck.
Going for a very wet and muddy ride in half an hour to a Roman Site, with a very old mate.
Alright @donkeysled - how did the ride go?
donkeysled, admitting your problem to yourself and others is very brave and the first step in dealing with this addiction. Having seen this at close quarters in my formative years - I have an understanding of how tough it can be. I can understand how what you have been through and the PSTD you carry has led to your self-medication with alcohol - I have seen that all too often. Other people on this thread have more constructive perspectives than I have - but I wanted you to know that this is more common than many people imagine. Take care.
@donkeysled Brilliant work in accepting your problem with the drink. Particularly with the many other things you have/had in your life, I wish you'd think again about getting help from psychiatric/psychotherapy services. As others have said, you're already medicating - it's just that the drug you're using at the moment is one of the most damaging.
Where do you live? Maybe somebody might fancy a ride out with you
Hi donkeysled, I'm another one listening to you. Your backstory sounds very traumatic, those memories must be very hard to deal with and I can understand you self medicating with alcohol. I too have traumatic childhood memories and was self medicating to cope. 20 years ago I reached a point where I was ready to deal with my issues and went to see my GP. I was reluctant like you to take pills but needed them to restore some perspective so I took them for a while and they gave me a breathing space. I also had a series of sessions of psychodynamic psychotherapy which allowed me to explore my issues. Anyway, long story short, I am now calmer ,happier and more relaxed than I have ever been. What I want to say to you is that recovery from PTSD and alcoholism is possible. You will suffer setbacks but with your eyes on the prize you can get there. Hopefully one day you will overcome these obstacles. Good luck, it's a long but very worthwhile journey.
Hi donkeysled , Hope you are OK today
Just bumped in to your thread.
Dont assume that pills are the prescribed answer. If you want to manage drink, you are going to have to come to terms with he past, and you will need support to do this.
Try to find a psychotherapist, not a psychiatrist.
Agree with this.
However you have got to want to help yourself.
It sounds like you are acknowledging that you have an issue, the next step is to do something about it. Dont dismiss your GP (its only going to be pills) before you try. Maybe try ringing your GP and see what they say. If they are any good they will support. Research whats out there yourself (all constructive stuff to help you move forward).
Research charitable counselling organisations in your area. They can do free or low cost counselling / psychotherapy. Research EMDR.
I would certainly try therapy route first, but dont disregard pills. I know a couple of people who use pills when they know they are struggling but absolutely do not want to be on them long term.
Good luck.
Morning @donkeysled sounds like you're going through the ringer mate.
Nobody here will judge you and as you're hopefully finding out, writing this stuff down can help and venting to strangers on the internet can be even more cathartic. So we're all here for that.
I am sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you have had harrowing experiences that would traumatise anyone.
Regarding 12 step programmes like Alcoholics Anonymous there is a lot of talk about a "higher power" but some members who are not religious consider this to be the group of people working to get well and sober rather than a deity. If you were to attend a meeting nobody would judge you for your religious beliefs. Rather they would welcome you and not put any pressure on you to share anything until you felt happy to do so. Honestly I think going to an AA meeting could not hurt you and may be a real benefit.
One thing that was recommended to me was keeping a gratitude list. I add to this every day and it does help me enormously. Items can be as simple as "I am grateful for the sunshine today" and once you start you will see lots of good things.
It will not be easy and I think you need help from other people to start to get better. I am sure that you can get it on here. I don't know where you are but if you are anywhere near Gloucestershire I would be really happy to go for a ride and/or coffee with you.
At the age of 52 I quit the booze. It was pretty much 2 years ago to the day. I was drinking too much too often. A daily drinker who would regularly drink until black out. My family were fed up of having to tell me stuff again that they told me the day before because I had forgotten it. I knew I was killing myself. I tried to cut down and that’s when things got worse. My body reacted badly with the DT’s. My heart was beating out of my chest, high blood pressure, dizziness, night sweats the lot. I woke up one night after abstaining the evening before and the world was spinning. Thought I was having a stroke. I didn’t wake the wife up as I didn’t want to cause a fuss as I thought she would call an ambulance. So I gripped the sheets and rode it out. Eventually falling back asleep. The next day I said that’s it I quit. I saw my GP and got some pills to help ease the DTs, bought and read Allen Carrs control your drinking book (this helped massively) and took it a day at a time. So many positives now. Better sleep, weight loss, less anxiety, more money in the bank, my children are proud of me rather than resentful. My wife quit with me. She liked a drink as much as I did but she could see the harm it was doing our bodies and our family. Go see your GP, come out to your friends and family, hunker down and wait it out. It does get easier.
