[Closed] "If you've got nothing to hide then why do you care if I read your emails?"

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I guess your counter points would be -
a) If you love and trust me, why do you want to read them?
b) I was going to organise a surprise holiday for you, but now I can't.

Seriously? Change your passwords right away.

I'm sure I could hack into my partner's email if I wanted to, but even wanting to is sign of a relationship in trouble.

Mate same situation here, tbh I just put up with it. I have nothing to hide so it really doesn't bother me. However I often make a comment when I know that my phone/iPad has been removed.

Why did she begin checking on you in the first place? Did she suspect you had a bit on the side or was (is) she naturally insecure/nosey et al?

As Ian said just say 'if you trust me, why would you read them' and also say that if you had something to hide you could easily open another email account she wouldn't know about, although that could make things worse ;-P

I assume your wife is happy for you to read her private messges?

They soon get bored, mine used to, but the contents of my inbox used to send her to sleep.

Does it work the other way, can you read her emails?

Just Start checking on her emails and texts, then just make random reference to snippets of private conversations she's had with her friends.

See how that goes down?

A girl I know was telling us how a friend of hers had a bit of extra-marital hows-yer-father a few years back, and now her husband has a tracker on her iphone and checks her location about every half hour through the day, and constantly phones her to see where she is, so that the two tally up 😯

The issue here is trust. If its reached that point, then really... whats the point? Just call it a day move on. As its clearly benefiting no-one

Trust is a two way thing. It can't be one sided; i.e. she must trust you that you're faithful, rather than have to resort to reading emails/text/facebook.

That said, mine does it occasionally and it does get right up my nose more because it's bloody rude.

That, and if I were so inclined, as IanMunro says, I couldn't do anything as a surprise.

yes you should care.

she's using your past misbehaving as an excuse to misbehave herself.

being your wife doesn't give her any rights on you.

if she can't trust you then there are problems in your relashionship which haven't been sorted.

in my opinion she gives herself the right to do something which is completely unacceptable.

I'd never do that to my husband even if I know his password.

My email account is open [auto password thing], no idea if she specifically goes in and reads them but it hardly registers on my 'give a shitometer'

"If you've got nothing to hide then why do you care if I read your emails?"

becuase it:

1. is rude
2. demonstrates a lack of trust
3. isn't healthy

Change your Email address to upformuckyfunanytimeanyplace@gmail.com

MTFU. Is she your partner or owner? You are entitled to you own space and a degree of privacy. Don't buy the "if you've nothing to hide" horseshit. Does she open all your post too?

So, if I have nothing to hide (which is the case), should I care if she reads my emails?

Yes. Her actions display a lack of trust, for me that would be a major issue in a relationship.

Curious if she is happy for you to read her emails, if so then it probably wouldn't bother me much (OK it's a bit of a lack of trust but there's an element of truth in the having nothing to hide thing). If she doesn't want you to read her emails then I'd tell her where to go...

problem is that having accepted it for so long any change in 'policy' on your part is likely to cause a further breakdown of trust?

I'd just sign yourself up for as much spam as possible and hope she gets sick wading through it.

You made the comment

Fallout from that was dealt with and I knocked it on the head before anything started.

Her behavior would indicate that, from her point of view, its far from having been 'dealt with'. You need to sit down and talk it through properly. Not only for your benefit, but if she's constantly on edge about what you might possibly be up too, then that's hardly healthy for her either

Yes "rude" is kind of how I feel about it. Thing is, she's done it for years, since well before any kind of shenanigans on my side (not that anything physical happened, but I was a naughty boy via email). She is very insecure in general, but if I'm honest it's probably indicative of the gradual unravelling of our relationship.

She has a passcode set up on her iphone 🙄

OP. Will your wife be looking at this thread?

Just mail a mate with the title "I'm sick of my wife - she's always reading my emails. I think I might get a divorce"

See what reaction that provokes.

As above lack of trust and paranoia aren't healthy. Nor is denying someone the right to any sort of independent discourse - she's effectively vetting everything you commit to writing.

Dam it, no email in profile!!!

Grrrrrrrr

Dam it, no email in profile!!!

Grrrrrrrr

🙂

Well, I shouldn’t really pass judgement, but this is STW, so...

Seriously, wtf? Even if she allows you the same level of access to her emails and private messages, it’s not really a sign of a healthy relationship. Technically I wouldn’t mind Mr Toast reading my emails – I have nothing to hide, and given that 90% of my emails are marketing spam from online bike stores he’s probably already seen the content – but I’d be upset if he felt the need. The fact you were 'nearly' naughty sounds like more of a symptom rather than a cause of your problems.

Generally people who do feel compelled to see every aspect of their other halves' lives tend to be controlling and a bit unhinged (like Justin Lee Collins).

Just mail a mate with the title "I'm sick of my wife - she's always readig my emails. I think I might get a divorce"

I like that idea 😀

Dam it, no email in profile!!!

Grrrrrrrr

OP. Will your wife be looking at this thread?

I hadn't considered the STW stalking possibility 😯 . Username changed to protect the innocent etc, but it wouldn't be rocket science to work it out on her side!

greedo's wife, earlier;

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OP. Will your wife be looking at this thread?

Yes. I am.

i used to get this off my ex wife, she constantly (by constantly, i mean 3 times a week minimum) accused me of flirting/eyeing up/****ing every female we/i knew within the age range 14-60.
somewhat ironic that when we eventually seperated it was because SHE had an affair.
i thought it was just me, but talking recently to a guy i work with he told me a scarily similar story.
just for the record, ive never cheated on any of my partners.

A serious question for you: Surely you must end up self censoring?

Writing something completely innocent, then worrying how it might be misconstrued if/when she read it?

Just pick up her phone, and ask for the passcode, mentioning that you don't think that there should be any secrets between the 2 of you and see what happens.

I went out with a girl who said the same thing, "if you've done nothing wrong....", except I'd done nothing that would warrant any suspicion in the first place. She also used to throw a strop when I saw my mates without her, when I said she made me feel bad for seeing my friends she said "If you've done nothing wrong then you won't feel guilty, so you must be doing something wrong".

I should have made the most of being treated like a cheat/b%$tard because when it was the other way round and I thought (correctly) she was messing around I was told "why would you need to look at my texts, don't you trust me?" 😕

Looking back....that was not a healthy relationship! 😆

Edit: Sounbds a bit like martymat's post above. Maybe because she's doing it she assumes you are too?

A serious question for you: Surely you must end up self censoring?

Writing something completely innocent, then worrying how it might be misconstrued if/when she read it?

yes there's a bit of that, though most of my emails are about bikes & bike rides so it must be very dull for her 🙄 . There is a wider trust issue going on I think. Every time I go for a ride she asks who it's with. erm, the same group as last Thursday. Every Thursday in fact. "Any girls?" wft?!

You know, actually typing this out is making me realise how dysfunctional the whole situation really is!!!

She has a passcode set up on her iphone

Uuuuhhh huuhhhh.

Why isn’t she OK with giving you full access to her messages and emails if she has nothing to hide?

Greedo, is she 15??
Sounds like pretty childish behaviour. I'd fire her - unless you can't do better.

Sounds like pretty childish behaviour. I'd fire her - unless you can't do better.

Married + kids, innit. I also have a history of taking the path of least resistance, which in this case is putting up with it rather than turn it into a huge "thing".

She doesn't trust you at all, that is the problem. The email thing is just a symptom of that problem.

Sort out the trust thing and the email thing should go away.

Whats she up to when you are out riding, thats what i'd like to know??? 😉
Seriously tho, ask Why she has a lock on her phone IF she has nothing to hide.

Whats she up to when you are out riding, thats what i'd like to know???

Well my ex wife was visiting another man.

rather than turn it into a huge "thing".

Not talking about it and not dealing with it doesn't necessarily mean it's not a huge "thing"

She's spying on you for flips sake.

Sympathies though, it sounds like a very difficult situation to be in. Especially with kids.

No way I'd stand for it though.

You know, actually typing this out is making me realise how dysfunctional the whole situation really is!!!

Off to relate with the pair of you. Seriously.

Yeah, you guys need counselling, that ain't healthy.

[i]She's spying on you for flips sake.[/i]

isn't spying supposed to be covert?

tbh, if he knows she's lookign then I can't see what she's expecting to find that he hasn't already deemed ok to be seen?

having said that if she was already looking (and he knew) before the email flirting incident then he's more than a little daft or wanted to get caught.

Does she know what your thoughts are on this [b]clearly[/b], or have you backed down everytime she mentions your past behaviour?
Just talk to her about it in a calm manner. Explain how it makes you feel - her behaviour is clearly pushing you away from her. Don't let it turn into an argument or petty point scoring.
It might just be a habit of hers.

You're missing a trick here. If she checks your emails etc, that saves you a job. Just keep asking her if you have any new emails - she'll soon get sick of it.

yes we've had a couple of counselling sessions though I've not found them particularly useful. I fear the flame may simply have been extinguished 😥

Interesting, greedo joined today and this is first post? 🙄
Are we carrying out social experiments on here again?

Interesting, greedo joined today and this is first post?
Are we carrying out social experiments on here again?

See above, forum regular posting under an alt. Just because.

I am very ashamed of this but, in a previous relationship, I was inclined to sneak a peak at texts etc. I always felt insecure for reasons I don't really understand. I guess he was rather distant and seemed uninterested a lot of the time. I'm not aware he was ever dishonest and equally I never was. It just wasn't right. Current relationship is entirely different. He has lots of friends, male and female and socialises all the tme. He's also a photographer and regularly takes pictures of gorgeous women (and men) clothed and not. It would never ever occur to me to check up on him.

She is insecure of your previous fail.

Let her read till she stops.

You should have some spark or mystery going in
a relationship.

Read her mail?

Perhaps its a bluff on her part to divert attention from her activities??

[i]You should have some spark or mystery going in
a relationship.[/i]

my wife always puts a new loo roll on the hanger with the sheets coming off on the wall side.

I always turn it around.

We've never discussed it.

It's good that after 17 years of marriage there's still some mystery in our lives 😉

You should have some spark or mystery going in
a relationship.

I got home last night to find the missus sitting crying in the dark. I hate to see her upset, but at least I knew it wasn't me who'd done it this time. I've not been home since last last Friday

LMAO @ Binners 🙂

See above, forum regular posting under an alt. Just because.

Because your wife knows your real forum name and checks that too?

or he doesn't want his mates knowing?

my girlfriend and i know each others email passwords, we don't read each others emails though. she would be *really* interested on planet X's latest carbon wheel sale and the fact that CRC are selling off purple BMXs and XXXXL windproof cheap 😉

thing is if you want to cheat & get away with it you will (at least for a bit), so you have to trust people not to.

Binners, unless she was crying because you came back...

My missus went through my entire inbox and facebook page soon after we met.

I think my suitably ape-shit reaction nipped that one in the bud, allong with a full set of new passwords.

thing is if you want to cheat & get away with it you will (at least for a bit), so you have to trust people not to.

Yup. She must know that this won't work if he really is cheating. It's not about trust, it's about control.

Mine does this from time to time and I've nothing to hide but I do like a good slag off to the mates ( bloody missus is a cow and wont let me go riding/climbing/buying stuff i dont need...kind of stuff) so she can get a bit aggrieved about this. so it can be a bad idea just for this reason

I think that it's something that snowballs. Someone will start to read another persons emails out of insecurity. But rather than quenching that thirst, it just grows, and so every opportunity they will be checking up.

Amusingly I installed the tracking software on my partners phone, in case she lost it. She constantly leaves her phone on silent, and the tracking software will allow you to login and make the alarm go off ... and locate the phone. Because the phone is always on silent, there have been times when she is due home from work, that I've tried to call and fine out what time she's due back, but to no avail. So I logon to the tracking, can see that she's enroute, and put the kettle on for her return!

She has access to my tablet and phone, and will use those devices. I don't think she has ever snooped on my mail. Most of it is boring stuff, but some of it is conversations with female friends, including former partners. They'd probably make her jealous, and no doubt lead to questions ... but from my perspective, there is no intention to cheat ever. I have a motto: "If you aint happy, then get it sorted before you look for something new".

Send [url= http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/if-youve-got-nothing-to-hide-then-why-do-you-care-if-i-read-your-emails ]this[/url] to your own email with "RE: The other night was amazing" in the subject line.
The problem will either go away or she'll come talk to you about it 🙂

I'm just thinking of any upsides to this. I presume she now knows what specific types of porn you're into.

Has that helped things at all?

We read eachothers messages/FB/twitter/post or whatever. We are pretty open about everything though and I know a lot of other couples who haven't ever gotten into doing this. Not sure why we do it, just always have done. I'd think it was a bit odd now if he suddenly decided I shouldn't and vice versa. The only time it bugs me is if a friend texts, he reads it before me then forgets to tell me until about three days later. Anyway, that's just us. If it makes you/her uncomfortable then you have some issues to sort out.

Its actually a form of domestic abuse to read a partners mails, and make demands on them to know where they are at all times etc.

Sadly it seems there are quite a few women out there that do a lot of this sort of thing, then expect roses.

Sadly it seems there are quite a few [s]women[/s] people out there that do a lot of this sort of thing

FTFY.

Does no one on here have Outlook or another client and just have both accounts loading into a combined inbox?! We both see everything whether we like it or not! For gifts/surprises we just use work email accounts.

She doesn't trust you because she is clearly capable of not deserving trust herself - why else does she passcode her phone?

She has a passcode set up on her iphone

Do you love her enough to either deal with this or keep putting up with it? If so then sounds like relate or something would be a good idea, or bring it all to a head and put a stop to it. If not then this must surely be the tip of the iceberg and perhaps you should get out.

Do you have kids? This would obviously complicate things enormously.

Seriously pussywhipped. Seriously. Strap on a pair.

The only time it bugs me is if a friend texts, he reads it before me then forgets to tell me until about three days later.

I assume you mean one of your friends sends a text to your phone, he reads it, removing the 'new message' notification and doesn't tell you "Sarah sent you a text btw"? That's reasonable enough, like taking a phone message and not passing it on.

If you mean someone texts him and he doesn't tell you so you get annoyed about it then that's weird! But I don't think that's what you're saying.

Why do you let her out of the kitchen long enough to read your emails?

As above, grow a pair and tell her to get the heck out of your emails etc...

My wife and I just use the same email account for everything.

Although, granted, I wouldn't know if she had a 'secret' account.

The shared account thing can go wrong on received emails, though. A mate of mine was going on a stag-do, but the best man emailed everyone (even though their email account was obviously named as a joint account) and announced that one of the major selling points of the chosen location was that punters in the lap-dancing clubs were allowed to (apologies for direct quote) "touch the slags".

Minus one on the attendees list after that little nugget!

[i]my wife always puts a new loo roll on the hanger with the sheets coming off on the wall side.

I always turn it around.

We've never discussed it.

It's good that after 17 years of marriage there's still some mystery in our lives
[/i]

your wife is correct, you are wrong, just fyi 🙂

blimey, first post on here in some considerable time and it is about which way a bog roll should face 😀

Mrs Toast - Member

Sadly it seems there are quite a few women people out there that do a lot of this sort of thing

FTFY.

I stand corrected.

craigf, you are very wrong.

craigf: any suggestion that toilet roll should hang near the wall is just perverse. You are a sick man.

I assume you mean one of your friends sends a text to your phone, he reads it, removing the 'new message' notification and doesn't tell you "Sarah sent you a text btw"? That's reasonable enough, like taking a phone message and not passing it on.

This is what I meant! Not the other way round

I would suggest Relate pronto, even if you have to instigate it yourself. Issues like this can not be left unresolved and will always be there in the background, quietly chipping away.

Trust is an extremely emotive word that can be applied to all sorts of scenarios and contexts.

Can we all honestly put up our hands and say we've never hidden bikey purchases from our partner?

Good luck with it and just remember the hardest option is to face up to this and deal with it. It is the right thing to do.