If you knew then what you know now......

You're a good parent, so these are the things that keep you awake at night.

There has never been a good moment in all of human history to have a kid. Though in most ways now *is* the best time. Until pretty recently parents were very lucky to even see their children grow to adulthood because both parents and children tended to die so young. It's really not all bad and we can still live in hope that the next generations won't make the same mistakes we did.

We just do what parents have always done and try to prepare them for what is an amazing but deeply flawed existence. AKA, we just muddle though and try to have fun along the way.

Heck yes. He's my best mate.

By coincidence I was having similar thoughts about what I’ve brought my children to face last night, the News also responsible, but I think also a combo of my age and the fact that everything feels “harder” right now which of course is subjective.

There feels a lot less to enjoy and a lot more to worry about I guess.

I'd still have my kids but if want them to have my current partner as their real mother, rather than my ex wife. Many many reasons for this, but if I could keep the kids who they were (with the exception of some of the mental torment suffered due to aforementioned ex wife) that'd be great, thanks

I probably wouldn't have 4.

I was never sure I wanted them till we had the first. Definitely had the right choice made for me though 🤣

They've cost us a fortune in time and money, both of us, but especially me, have sacrificed career and personal goals to give them time and opportunities, and it's all a factor in my mental health issues.

We have been fortunate that in our case it has worked out - they are bright, funny, caring young people, socially responsible and active in passing that on, and beginning to be successful in their own interests.

Other parents aren't as lucky, and I can understand the worries and concerns.

MoreCashThanDash

We have been fortunate that in our case it has worked out – they are bright, funny, caring young people, socially responsible and active in passing that on, and beginning to be successful in their own interests.

Redflags! If they are currently currently holding you against your will, put two fullstops at the end of your next sentence.😉

They’ve cost us a fortune in time and money, both of us, but especially me, have sacrificed career and personal goals to give them time and opportunities, and it’s all a factor in my mental health issues.

I get this, not so much the money but definitely the time.. In a world where everyone else's lives are visible (truely or online fantasy presentation) I try really hard not to compare and feel like they have stolen time when I could have been doing all the other cool stuff others are doing.... Seeing people's epic rides on Strava for example, when I barely have time for a spin around the block at 10 at night.

Truth is I 'gave' them my time freely, not them taking it away from me. They really are awesome, if annoying/irritating at times and they fight (big sis, lil bro) a lot but I do believe I would be a worse person for them not being around.... They make me be a better person as I try to make them good little people before they flutter off into the world. I truely believe I'm not a natural parent, I really have to try to be that person....

If I manage not to screw them up too much/give them need for therapy in the next 10 years then I'll consider it a job well done. 😉

theres no manual for childcare and each one is different. You're right if some told you this would happen would you still go ahead. It is what you make it and pays back little by little. Those epic rides could be you with the kids in a few years time and even better for it. I try to include ours in as much of what I enjoy as possible and share those memories.

Its tough and all consuming but the joy is immeasurable at times and comes when you least expect it. I work with the idea that kids need you now and not some time in the future when you are old.

Truth is I ‘gave’ them my time freely, not them taking it away from me. They really are awesome.....I do believe I would be a worse person for them not being around…. They make me be a better person as I try to make them good little people before they flutter off into the world.

If I manage not too screw them up too much/give them need for therapy in the next 10 years then I’ll consider a job well done

Agree with all of that, I've had to learn not to compare, and to reframe my thoughts on the bad days. I'm also conscious that a couple of new dads at work now seem to be comparing their families to mine, and I have to remind them not to compare, the world, and finances, are not the same now as they were 20 years ago.

Though eldest came back home from uni yesterday, £9k a year in fees and he has no ****ing clue how to hang washing on the line properly 🤬

It's OK poopscoop, everything is fine here. I promise....

I wouldn't have changed a thing.
My 3, each in their own different ways, have enhanced my life.
As for the 'cost' - how ever that might be measured - it's an irrelevance.
Having grandchildren moves this to a whole new level

Right now, they're both asleep upstairs, yes, love them to bits.

In a few hours time doubtless I'll have wished i put them in a bag with some bricks down a well at birth.  And rinse and repeat several more times before I get to go back to work on Monday.

In 'seriousness' - yes, I often say to the wife (who was the real driver for kids, she always wanted them and still regrets not having had a third sometimes!) that if we hadn't had them we'd be retired by now. But we'd have had far less rich a life experience on the way. And I do worry for the future but as I just said on another thread, my job is to bring them up to be thoughtful, kind, independent people and then allow them the freedom to make of life what they will, so my job is almost done at 19 and 17......for obv reasons younger is going to need more support of both parental and financial type in the next couple of years, with the challenges he faces, but maybe another 5-6 years and I'll be free of them 🙂 and 🙁

theres no manual for childcare and each one is different.

Disagree. It's worse than that. There is a manual, in fact there are several with conflicting advice on key elements and no definitive answer which is right. By trial and error you eventually find the manual for your one, only to find that it's the manual for V3.0.2.1 and you've actually got Kid V3.0.2.1a which is mainly the same but has a few key differences.

And someone's removed a few pages from your manual and left others blank for you to fill in as you go. But you manage to work it out to be able to operate Kid V3.0.2.1a at a tolerable level.

And that describes the first 2 years.

And then there's the regular unscheduled firmware updates.

Being a Dad is awesome and we're just getting started. Our problem is that we should have done it 10 years earlier because I'm going to be absolutely knackered dealing with a teenager in my 50's.

Thing is, if we'd done it much earlier we would have missed out on all the stuff we did do like all the European road trips, camping and riding and messing around with silly cars etc.

Then I'd be sitting here asking myself the same question as the OP.

I'm glad we had our 10 years of freedom. I can't wait to get a little bit of it back. Luckily, everything we like doing is stuff that he can join in with so it should just be more fun each year.

I wish we’d had more than two. What the hell else am I supposed to do with my existence? Work? Make money? Accumulate stuff then die? Might as well propagate the species - that’s what you’re for after all.

I love mine completely. My only real and ongoing regrets are that I’m stuck in a job I find stressful and not very rewarding. I stay in it because it pays well and means I can give my kids opportunities I never had. The downside being that I’m shattered and worried all the time.

The other one is that I’ve suffered with depression my entire adult life. It is something you can’t hide from them and difficult to explain when they’re young. I also dread the idea of either of them having it.

I fear for their future in a world which seems to be increasingly trying to destroy itself and in a society that is seemingly becoming morally further detached from reality…..

We're talking about having kids but this is certainly a consideration which is putting me off a bit. That and any kid I have has an increased chance of developing MS, and I'm struggling to "square that circle".

I love mine completely. My only real and ongoing regrets are that I’m stuck in a job I find stressful and not very rewarding. I stay in it because it pays well and means I can give my kids opportunities I never had. The downside being that I’m shattered and worried all the time.

The other one is that I’ve suffered with depression my entire adult life. It is something you can’t hide from them and difficult to explain when they’re young. I also dread the idea of either of them having it.

All of this too - eldest is more like his mother and the concept of anxiety and depression is beyond their comprehension. I pray his bubble doesn't burst. Youngest is much more like me in many ways, and I worry for her even more.

There has never been a good moment in all of human history to have a kid. Though in most ways now *is* the best time. Until pretty recently parents were very lucky to even see their children grow to adulthood because both parents and children tended to die so young.

My great grandmother grew up in a house of 14 children. Not parents and 14 children.Just 14 children. She was one of seven and both parents died within a few days of each other. Whatever killed them also killed the parents of another family in the town so her house full of orphans took in 7 other orphans to look after and she, as a child herself, had to look after all of them. No welfare state, no NHS.

What the OP is describing really is 'Opportunity Cost'. The 'cost' of eating the cake is you no longer have a beautiful cake to look at.

I wish we’d had more than two

So much NOT this! Definitely no more than two here.

Might have been better if we had not left it late. I'll be 60 when eldest is 18, youngest two years behind. I am at least reasonably physicality able, my dad is in his eighties, starting to have a few falls now, but still goes to the shop in the next village on his e bike.

Through the kids discovered I'm very probably autistic so worry about the social things I've struggled with and the disadvantages it placed me under...

And of course the way the world is heading... Who knows where!?

Opportunity cost being used in the context of having a family??
Was that written by a non-parent?

deffo i would still have my kids.
as a human it is what we a designed for, to reproduce, nothing more.
to not reproduce is selfish IMHO.

Yes and like most parents we've had our share of drama and pain. We'd be much better off financially but would have missed out on so much life experience and you only get one chance to live a life.

Absolutely yes, but I'd change a few things about his younger years; less time working, more time dadding.

Also, I'm pretty sure that having kids annoys TJ, so there's that... 😜

3 here and had late, my wife and I didn't meet until I was almost 40. I am 50 soon and the youngest turns 3 soon after. It's incredibly hard currently. I'm exhausted. Would I want to be without them? No, but I am jealous, very jealous, of those that had kids younger. Particularly as our parents aren't able to help out and we have no siblings nearby either so we have no help and no break. Not had a date night in about 4 years. So yes I feel very frustrated at times, but they are special kids and I can't think how I'd have been happy without them.

It's more the worry about their 40+ years (years 6&9 at school now) that makes me think we may have done the wrong thing.

It's done now and when they are not being, idle, uncooperative and inconsiderate (like this morning) they're a great pair. Don't ask me for the ratio of how their waking hours are composed though.

Possibly, but I'd have had them with someone else, if I did.

As an involuntarily estranged parent, the current situation means the juice wasn't worth the squeeze. I no longer cherish any memories as it's too painful to recall; I basically no longer consider myself a parent.

I can't see that changing TBH.

I wish them all the best in whatever they do, but I'll not know where or what that is.

All is good now, though; it's a good reminder that you don't need kids to have a rewarding life.

Particularly as our parents aren’t able to help out and we have no siblings nearby either so we have no help and no break. Not had a date night in about 4 years.

That's our main problem. Well, it can compete for 1st place with paying £1000 a month for a bloody nursery and living on super noodles.

Our families are 130 miles away so when you're deep in a sleep deprived, screaming, puking, snotty, nightmare up to your elbows in shitty nappies, there's no one to call and there's no relief. It's been horrible at times. That's the only time I've had any regrets but they were temporary.

We’re talking about having kids but this is certainly a consideration which is putting me off a bit. That and any kid I have has an increased chance of developing MS, and I’m struggling to “square that circle”.

Would adoption remove one of those worries for you? Lots of kids need loving homes

3kids, separated from their mum, eldest is autistic and has had a few rough years to say the least.

I worry about their futures, but I suspect all good parents throughout time have.  Things may look tough ahead now, but 100years ago we were between to great wars. 200years ago, my history is a bit shit but I suspect things are improving, we just need to take better care of the planet.

Would I change anything, not a chance, I'd run through walls for all of them.

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No kids, but it's brought me to realize I wouldn't have a house full of lovely possessions, a decent bank statement and savings if I'd actually had children, or 'money pits' as i believe they are also known.

Particularly as our parents aren’t able to help out and we have no siblings nearby either so we have no help and no break.

This is a big thing for us..... We moved to rural Croatia, in part, to raise kids in a safe and healthy environment, we wouldn't have had them if we had stayed in the UK......

But along with the semi isolation of being an expat (language/culture) there came the struggle of doing it alone..... Don't get me wrong, it was the right decision for 'us' but not without many struggles, a lot of them being the lack of any support... Which is compounded massively when you live in a country where 3 or 4 generations of a family live in one house or within walking distance and raise the little un's together.

No regrets.

Two awesome teenage boys. They will make the planet a better place - eldest (16) was cycling home late last night and spent an hour helping a lady deal with a collapsed person until the police turned up.

Would have done some things differently and knowing Thud's ADHD diagnosis earlier would have helped - but then again, having three teenage boys sleeping over last night before getting up at 7 to go play football is what life's about.

Different answer if you asked about the dog though.

All my three kids, now 26, 28 and 31 have all said they aren't having kids as the world is too shite. So we have currently have two granddaogs and a couple grandcats and apart from my wife, everyone is happy

When my (3) children were growing up we had a nice house, lovely possessions and (some) money in the bank.
What we also - and much more importantly - had was enduring emotional fulfilment.
Now, with 3 grandchildren, all of this is
re-inforced.
Each to their own.

I was married with 3 kids at 21, a granddad in my late 30s. Would not change a thing. Actually that’s not true, I focused a lot on climbing a career ladder when I should have been going to school assemblies and sport days. Now I have a great salary, a fantastic pension pot and a few regrets. So my focus now is making sure my children can be better parents than perhaps I was.

I’d have had two more. No regrets. They take all your time, space and money. Your life is never the same again. But it’s better. My father died at 29 leaving a wife and three under seven. I always wanted to be a younger father and started aged the same.

I might not have given Son2 a flying lesson for his 16th birthday. A crack habit would have been cheaper 🤣. He’s almost finished now and should be off the payroll soon.