[Closed] Idiotic things you've done or said recently

Sent a box of wine for Christmas to an address I haven't lived for for 19 years....

At work yesterday I was discussing the photo of Jesus on the cross which is displayed in the Louvre.

I said Yes

I ordered some USB C to A adapters, then looked for some Micro USB to C adapters for a different use, then panicked and thought I'd ordered the wrong ones originally so cancelled the order.

I then remembered that I was now looking for something slightly different and re-ordered the original item. 😖

Shaved my pubes. The local paedophiles are queued outside my front door.

I just opened the log burner door with my hand. The log burner that's been on for two hours

And the award for the most STW injury ever goes to....

*drumroll*....

Dip into the Naked Attraction thread.
Never again...

My life is just a constant, running stream of stupidity. Its difficult to think of specifics

Had an altercation with a motorist and allowed it to escalate. Turn the other cheek and avoid confrontation is my new leaf, now turned over 🙄

Well.....

I’m appear to be doing my best to emulate binners…

I said "Yes" on Wednesday when the nice lady at the vaccination centre asked me to confirm I wanted my booster. I had zero side effects from the first two AZ doses while MrsP crashed on the sofa for a day or two, but it feels like it's payback time now.

Yes, I'll put the tree up on Sunday.

I have an excuse but...................

I couldn't find the kettle - it was in the fridge.  I ran a bath the other day - went to get in - no water - I didn't put the plug in.

oh, and, bought a 200 year old house on the top of a hill with stone walls and floors, no mains gas or water, dodgy broadband, and, possibly, the plasterer tells me, a leaky roof.

I went into the cupboard under the stairs to get the wok from the 4ft high shelf, forgetting to lift it high enough to clear the heavy paella pan underneath, which tipped off the shelf & landed edge first on my shoeless second toe, right foot. I reckon you could hear my scream for miles.
It went purple, now It's green.

oh, and, bought a 200 year old house on the top of a hill with stone walls and floors, no mains gas or water, dodgy broadband, and, possibly, the plasterer tells me, a leaky roof.

Ours definitely has a leaky roof. It is also halfway down the hill so water runs down the hill and under the floor. Apart from that, snap.

It is one of the best things I've ever bought, though

I couldn’t find the kettle – it was in the fridge.

I once lost the TV remote, spent a about 6 hours on a hot summer's day turning the flat upside down looking for it. Paused to grab a drink, and it was in the fridge. I was only 25 or so, and I had no excuse.

Parents lost and found the remote for their TV when they moved house 20 years apart.

While deciding where to put the posh new TV, first they had ever had with a remote, it had been put on a bookshelf. This was subsequently loaded with books without noticing the remote underneath them.

It was found 20 years later when they emptied the shelf to move house again. They still had the same TV and had forgotten it ever came with a remote so were thrilled with their 'new modern' TV because it now had a new remote even though it was the 20 year old one.

"I think I'll do a bike race in the Spring"

How long have you got?

what Matt said.

Drilled a hole in the side of the house for a vent. Spent all kinds of time and thought planning the job through. Got 75mm into the 550mm depth, the bit jammed, drill span round
at whatever RPM it runs at and clocked me in the cheek. Pissing blood everywhere and needed two stitches.

Still had to finish the job lol.

My wife asked me to pick up a few things from the local Co-op in the village where I worked one lunchtime whilst I was at work, including a couple of things for our baby. This included a large tub of vaseline, a cucumber and something else which I can't remember. It was only when I got back to work and sat down at my desk that I realised what it looked like! Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Washed my car key.

Tried to sell something on FB marketplace 🙄

Tried to sell something on FB marketplace

OK, I buy, but I will send you envelope with your cash by Parcelhero and they will bring me the item.

went out for a ride this afternoon, in the wind, on my fat bike, whilst being stuck in AF.

I'll get the bill.

This included a large tub of vaseline, a cucumber and something else which I can’t remember.

A little while back I went to the supermarket and bought a bottle of bourbon, a bottle of milk and a bottle of toilet bleach. I quipped to the lass on the checkout "it's cocktail night" and she looked at me with deer-in-headlights horror.

Tonight spent about half an hour (as briefly as able) typing up my experience of growing up a boy in white-only working class estates in failed attempt to open/share/promote discussion on a ‘Dr Who role model boy’ thread.

Now:

bought another Dyson.

went out for a ride this afternoon, in the wind, on my fat bike, whilst being stuck in AF.

Aye but that's just normal for you Tony. 😁

went out for a ride this afternoon, in the wind, on my fat bike, whilst being stuck in AF.

You've got your priorities right. 👍

Feigned a seizure on receipt of my booster jab for a laugh....

The nurse hadn't quite removed the needle.....

Timing is everything 🙄

Walking into COP26 they had airport scanners and bag checks. Going through i has to drink some of the orange juice I'd nicked from the hotel to prove it wasn't bomb fuel or whatever. Very strict.

On the other side of the scanner I asked how the guard was, just niceties as you do.
"Tired, really early start" she said
"That's what the cocaine's for!" I jokingly, poorly replied.

Cue a full bag and clothing search in full view of everyone coming in and my colleagues.

"You'll not do that again!" laughed the (lovely) guard while her colleague scanned and body searched me, calling the dogs over

Pretty much anything I say on here...

Apparently most things I do at work, it would seem.

“That’s what the cocaine’s for!” I jokingly, poorly replied.

Cue a full bag and clothing search

Buying groceries yesterday including alcohol, using Scan as You Go. Zapped the till, the assistant took the bottle away to de-tag it, I paid, the till reset.

"Oh, have you paid?" she asked.

"Yes." I said. "I mean, no, I thought I'd steal it!"

She sorta half-laughed and asked if I'd got the receipt. I pointed to it still hanging out of the till. She went "well, I'd better check it then!" We both chuckled. But she still checked it.

I was talking to a work colleague in a clients car-park, as we parted to set off I got into the drivers side rear seat, he was stood back totally confused, I had become that giddy I could hardly get out of the car.

In a variation of the "glasses on top of your head," I was once late for work because I couldn't find my phone whilst talking to someone on it.

Couldn't find my car keys one time, after a brief search I discovered them in my other hand.

First thing in a morning and bleary-eyed, I've poured orange juice instead of milk in my coffee more times than I care to mention.

First thing in a morning and bleary-eyed, I’ve poured orange juice instead of milk in my coffee more times than I care to mention.

I've sat at the table staring at a mug full of cornflakes and a fork and trying to figure out which one of these things is in the wrong place.

🤣 Brilliant. "I know there's something wrong here but I can't quite..."

In my defence, at the time I was getting orange and milk delivered and they were both in the same style glass bottles.

My breakfast drink is fresh orange juice and lemonade mixed 50:50. For similar reasons I've occasionally ended up with orange and Coke. (It's actually nicer than you'd expect...)

My breakfast drink is fresh orange juice and lemonade mixed 50:50.

As a kid on holiday near Oban or Fort Wllliam somewhere, me and my brother we're sitting in the hotel's TV lounge (back when hotel's only had one telly and it had a better room to itself than your did) - it was saturday eventing so Jim'll Fix It was just about to start. As the opening titles came on.... in walked Jimmy Saville, sat down and watched his own show while we watch him, watching himself, quite bemused. He was pretty unassuming really - just pointed out that the show would be recorded on a Thursday so that meant he could watch it on a saturday. Program finished and he wandered back out again.

Turned out he was film and advert for 'Quaker Warm Start' (this isn't it - but he features on the box)

Anyway - over the next few days we'd see him around the hotel and he was pretty much always drinking fresh orange and lemonade, and so for the last 40 years or so everyone in my family has referred to that combo as a 'Pint of Jimmy Saville' - which I occasionally, unthinkingly  ask for when rounds are being bought and I'm driving

I’ve occasionally ended up with orange and Coke. (It’s actually nicer than you’d expect…)

One of my team mates has that by choice every time we go out for a pub lunch at work. He calls it a Muddy Puddle and every time he asks for one at a new pub he has to explain what it is. One benefit of Covid and remote working is that team meals are far less frequent than they used to be!

I can relate tp a mug of cornflakes..
Pour a kettle of hot water into the tea caddy ruining the contents, instead of boiling water into mug with 1 tea bag inside.
Strong tea anyone?

Couldn’t find my car keys one time, after a brief search I discovered them in my other hand.

All.

The.

Bloody.

Time!

I usually realise what I've done when I notice a small child sitting in the car I'm parked next to increasing themselves laughing at me 😂

Done the whole looking for my phone whilst talking on it thing.

For similar reasons I’ve occasionally ended up with orange and Coke. (It’s actually nicer than you’d expect…)

One of my team mates has that by choice every time we go out for a pub lunch at work. He calls it a Muddy Puddle and every time he asks for one at a new pub he has to explain what it is.

Any time I have control of draught it's half Coke half Fanta, they sell it premixed in Germany as Mezzo Mix. Never tried it with fresh orange but that's a good shout.

Craziest thing ever. I drink a bottle of coca cola when im in the workshop. It's a dusty place at times.

Same place i do the bike stuff and use(crazy bit) an old coca cola bottle to store the fluids from brakes and forks when swapping out the oil and hydraulic fluids.

Till that fateful day i took a swig out of the wrong bottle. Thankfully as it filled my mouth I realized what I'd done and spat it all out, followed buy several mouth washouts with water.

I replaced the coke label with black and yellow hazard tape, I'll not make that mistake again 😆

Emptying the loft this week and thought it would not be good if I fell out the loft as nobody else was at home and then slipped and fell out of the loft, luckily feet first so no serious injury!!

Last weekend I went to move a light switch to the other side of a door in the garage (changed the kitchen door, now it opens the other way - light switches behind doors get very quickly irritating). All surface mounted, so not a big job.

The spur from the kitchen lighting circuit comes through the wall right in the corner at the ceiling, which I've insulated and clad, save for about an inch gap to the wall. The original switch drop also goes into the wall at the same place, presumably goes through the cavity and pops out behind the switch. They're both mortared in, with no give, so the switch drop needed replacing with a new one. You can probably see where this is going.

I unwired both the main circuit and the switch drop from the ceiling rose and the switch, and checked with a multimeter which was which before I cut the switch drop. Got my side cutters out and checked it again just to make sure. Then I snipped it off behind the switch, and started cutting through the other wire, as close to the wall as possible. One of the other wires. Shit. Didn't check which. Bo****ks, that's the main circuit.

Thought I'd only cut through the outer insulation before I realise, but in trying to strip the wires (with a scalpel, no room to get wire strippers in), they snapped off. No easy way to get a new feed from the house. Ended up chiselling a bit of the brick away with a breaker to make room for some Waco blocks. Not ideal, but not totally disastrous.

Moral of the story: measure THRICE, cut once.

I quite often take a spoonful of coffee beans out of the bag and instead of putting them in the coffee grinder put them in the mug, and then stare at it for a bit wondering what's wrong. After all, coffee is in the mug, right?

The other thing I often do is forget to take the lid off the grinder, and the lid is curved so it's very effective at scattering the beans all over the kitchen.

driving back from the shops today and an unmarked police car was trying to get round some traffic with its blues on. The young mrchrispy said it didnt look like an undercover police car...

Not recent but a few years ago had spent a fantastic day with a mate at rheola razzing the DH track, it had been a typical wet and muddy day so alot of faff packing the car for the drive back, two DH bikes back in the car along with alot of muddy gear, cake eaten, light fading......where are the car keys!!! Qué a full unpack of the car no sign of the keys, it's now dark the gate is about to be locked when said mate (it was there car) shuts the driver's door and voila there are the keys 😜

I’ve sat at the table staring at a mug full of cornflakes and a fork and trying to figure out which one of these things is in the wrong place.

that made me laugh

Bumped into an old mate recently, he was telling me his twins are now 27, I said ‘god, that’s how old we were when we were that age!’ (What I meant was that’s how old we were when we were all hanging out together and titting about on motorbikes and having a laugh!)

"Yes, I'd like to buy this Mercedes" - Sorry @molgrips 🙂

I posted my wallet into a locked recycling bin last week. That was pretty stupid even by my own high standards!

For similar reasons I’ve occasionally ended up with orange and Coke. (It’s actually nicer than you’d expect…)

Any time I have control of draught it’s half Coke half Fanta, they sell it premixed in Germany as Mezzo Mix.

Mezzo Mix is the brand. Also known as a Spezi when ordered at a bar etc. Although when on ski trips been known to go halves each on a can of Fanta and a can of Coke. It's pretty refreshing.

My one in the kitchen is making a mug of cofftea for breakfast. Throwing a teabag in the mug to brew a tea, when actually making a coffee.

I quite often take a spoonful of coffee beans out of the bag and instead of putting them in the coffee grinder put them in the mug,

Bean to cup 🙂

For extra irritation do this with mug that is wet from being rinsed so that when you do pour them into the grinder most of the beans want to stick to the inside of the mug

Worked for an American ERP business for a while, at the annual sales conference the VP of sales was doing his good old US of A sales talk and he said the following... " get out there and tell your clients we're not satisfied until their not satisfied"

The yanks cheered anyway and me and the Canadian bloke retired to the bar.

Emptying the loft this week and thought it would not be good if I fell out the loft as nobody else was at home and then slipped and fell out of the loft, luckily feet first so no serious injury!!

I had a bod round to do some work and I was showing him the loft. It's not boarded out, rather there's a few planks strewn about. He rocked up there like a roofer and was strolling about confidently.

I don't like ladders but I'm a lapsed rock-climber so as much to prove something to myself as anything else I followed him up. I'm well out of my comfort zone, not least because if I come through the ceiling I'll never hear the last of it. So yeah, "sure, I do this all the time."

Then one of the underfoot boards shifted and dropped about 1cm with a gunshot BANG and I about soiled myself because I thought I was going to die. After that I shuffled off back down to find a dark corner for bit of a tremble.

I quite often take a spoonful of coffee beans out of the bag and instead of putting them in the coffee grinder put them in the mug,

A couple of times I've poured beans into the coffee machines water tank, rather than the grinder. Luckily I've not (yet) poured water into the grinder.

Mrs: ‘I wonder if S is taking L* to Fatstock** this year?’
* his morbidly obese girlfriend
** annual livestock show and auction in the market place
I collapsed, she blushed

Correcting the dish on the wheel I'm building for the commuting bike. Tighten the NDS then flip the weheel over to loosen (or actually tighten!) the DS.

The spokes are getting tighter and tighter, but if anything the dish is getting worse.

Time for a brew I think.

I dropped an effervescent vitc tablet into my coffee last week rather than the glass of water next to it. It's not a pleasant taste combo.

Did a hope rear hub rebuild/bearing change for the first time. Did it all, put it back in the bike - very wobbly. Notice one shiny new bearing still on the bench 🤦‍♂️
Install errant bearing and refit wheel - not wobbly, but something not right, ratchet sounds weird and not spinning very freely - notice spacer washer that’s supposed to be behind the freehub now on the bench where the stray bearing was 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

notice spacer washer that’s supposed to be behind the freehub now on the bench where the stray bearing was

Could've been worse. From the Air France Concorde disaster: While examining the wreckage in a warehouse, British investigators noticed that a spacer was missing from the bogie beam on the left-hand main landing gear. (It was later found in an Air France maintenance workshop.) Possibly contributed to the crash

Fitting a catflap at dusk, needed some light on the job so balanced my phone against the door jamb of the open door. Went round the other side to tighten a screw and promptly shut the door...

Typing this on new phone.

Not that recent but recently reminded of the time I was servicing some old (99?) RockShox SIDS at the work shop, one hand firmly wrapped around under the crown as I let the air out of top valve... completely forgetting that they also have a negative air spring as well on these forks (at about 100psi), then being very quickly reminded as the lowers shot up the legs and crunched into my knuckles trapping all four fingers between the crown and bridge of the lowers.

Quickly let the air out of the negative spring as well for some minor relief but had to find a pump and one handed pump them back up to free my trapped fingers and the flaps of skin that used to cover them 🙁

Not my finest maintenance moment.

"Probably better to catch Covid before the Christmas rush"

Bugger

Washed my car key

https://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/think-i-have-just-written-my-car-off-with-a-lawnmower/

I posted my wallet into a locked recycling bin last week. That was pretty stupid even by my own high standards!

I knew someone who had to take the daily cash to the bank, and on the way, pop the post into the postbox. Employers weren't very happy when she popped the staff wages into the postbox instead of the letters in her other hand.

I was in a multi agency emergency planning meeting about the flooding a few weeks back. In front of a lot of people I inexplicably said that teams had been out throughout the area teabagging (instead of sandbagging). I got a few knowing glances from those who noticed.

Every so often I'll do things that make me think I'm losing it then along comes a thread like this to make me feel better.

I took my 8 year old to the skate park on Saturday morning , unloading the car i couldn't find his gloves . Gave him a real telling off (he's lost a few things recently) and told him that he had to take something off his recently written santa list and put new gloves on them . Sorting out the washing this morning it turned out I had picked them up in the cafe and put them in my pocket . I am going to pretend i got them back from lost property when we go on Saturday .

Bad Dad.

Recently lost my EVOC phone pouch, which has been really useful. Decided it was impossible to live without so ordered another one. The day before it arrived I found the original (in the car down the side of the driver's seat - same place i lost my passport for a week and almost ordered a new one actually), so now I had two!

... a week later I lost the new one, so i'm back to one.