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Sack it off then? Or at least re evaluate if it’s actually worth it.
sacking off the training will free up time and your ability to do other things that impact training without feeling guilty.
aspiring to an unobtainable life is not going to help. it is about as far as you can get from zen or what have you.
sounds like you’re burning out. have a holiday. perhaps have a holiday alone. or a long weekend.
i know lots of folk love their lives and it is a mindset thing. personally i feel bored the majority of the time. however on saturday i’m going to ride 800 vertical meters in one go and not a berm in sight. that will hold me for a few days.
something that struck me the other day is that i never really understood the meaning of the phrase, be thankful for small mercies. i always assumed it was an irritating thing that middle aged people said.
best of luck
It's not easy for me either but it really helps to get into activities where you enjoy the process and don't get too hung on the results. Gardening is very good for this imo - obviously I'm chuffed when something grows well but I'm quite accepting when it doesn't.
I get the impression that you are in a reasonably good position financially – although I could be wrong. Would it be possible and feasible to drop to a 4 day week, and take the financial hit but gain an extra day to focus on the things that you would like to do?
If you can afford to, do it. Better to have an extra day a week to do stuff now, rather than collapse of a stress induced heart attack the week before you retire in 15 years time.
I have my October break to come and I need to think about this and the earlier Nino context, and perhaps dilute my training to make room for some enjoyment rather than losing 5 days of “other” time to the bike.
5 days training and you are wondering why life has lost enjoyment? I wouldn't call that finally finding out really.
You are running on empty, achieving what you already know you can achieve by just doing it over and over, go back and think about how you felt at the beginning, if that is not there its time for a new challenge.
Option 1/ make the most of what you have now. Tinker around the edges to increase the time you spend doing things you like rather than dislike. Divide your energies between family and personal time. Help them to achieve what they want and try to work towards some realistic personal goals yourself - if you must, personal objectives aren't obligatory.
Option 2/ Do something radical. This means your whole family doing something radical. Are they fans of radical? Are you a fan of radical? I think not.
I took option 2 a couple of times in my life, on one occasion it didn't affect anyone but me, the second time Madame was on board - both worked out fine. They both worked out because what looked like madness was thought through and had a reasonable chance of success. If you decide to take the plunge make sure you check how deep the water is and learn to swim first.
I honestly get where your coming from. I was at the same job for over 15 years, money was ok for very easy work.
I recently got a new job to finally shake things up! I'm too busy to even spend money now. What I mean by that is I was just sat at a desk browsing the internet for things to blow all my wage on.
I'm married but we don't have kids, so all the bills get paid and I was just blowing through my disposable every month (no savings etc).
Now I'm driving 100s of miles a day working on my own and get to mix with people from all walks of life, from the mega rich to unemployed people in council houses. The experience has really opened my eyes and allowed me to take stock of what's important to me.
Have a think, try something new etc. Taper your training down and take time to enjoy other things too. Echoing what some others have said, it sounds like your mentally exhausted from trying to maintain a professional amount of training. You can still keep fit, but you don't have to be world class 🙂
There's an old saying that goes something like " The foolish man seeks happiness in the future , the wise man surrounds himself with it " .
Also, first ever thread about life/happiness/stress where Nobody has said “get out and ride your bike more”
Now that’s an achievement.
Masturbation?.
Masturbation?.
Having skimmed through this thread I suspect that would be like trying to push a wet noodle through a keyhole
So, thanks to everyone that's provide some advice, and to the few people that have taken the time to contact me outside of this thread and offer their time to share some experiences either now or in the future, that I hugely appreciate.
Over the last 48hrs and after reading this thread I concluded that Cougar was right; that merely posting this thread was a start to resolving my issues. In the last 48hrs, I've sat back, spent some time to myself, read the recommended Who moved the cheese? which lead onto The One minute Manager, and also this morning Mark Manson reiterated his blog post regarding personal Values.
During this time, I'd realised I'd become fatigued, frantic and therefore stressed and imbalanced. I've had time to rethink my overarching values which are Integrity, Honesty Respect for my time and Validation (yes, this may appear contrary to some inane posting on here).
With me hardly on the bike this week as I taper for a race, I've spent each evening with one of my kids. This has reminded me of an overarching desire opposing my own upbringing to have a close, loving family and to appreciate my children for who they are and not what I want them to be. I know I still want the validation of both a credible XC Racer and a respected senior work professional, and I prefer the effort and drive, integrity and reward that goes toward achieving both of those, and I know all three takes a balance of effort to achieve. I don't like being bored or lazy, I get grumpy and intolerable to be around.
When I started this thread I'd managed to visualise impatiently leap-frogging my life to an anticipated realisation that was unbearably weighing upon me in the interim; its the equivalent of wanting to be on an XC podium next month and spending every moment of that month thrashing some training only to forget it takes years of patient learning, effort and development (for most) to get to that point.
I can't shortcut my life, but I can rebalance my values, goals and activities with an added sprinkling of patience which will allow me the time to enjoy sharing my time with others and removing the burden of impatience. I can look for alternative ways of spending my time to the same aim, or adding enjoyment, and enjoy small alternative learnings and successes to my time to provide a feeling of progressive satisfaction rather than constantly focusing on a giant 10 year single minded goal, or an imagined leap into athletic success.
Tonight we'll have a family Movie night, and where normally I'd be fretting about weight gain, I shall be stuffing myself with Haribo, popcorn, Dorito's M&M's and other snacks with the kids whilst accidentally achieving carb loading for Sundays race 😀 Work issues will wait until Monday. Its all a balance, right?
Its all a balance, right?
It really is, and perspective, you can look at something as 'happening to you', or something that is 'happening that you are aware of/a part of'.
Hope you have a fun movie night and good luck for Sunday. If you don't hit the podium, probably the bikes fault so you need a new one 😉
Great post Kryton57, I feel inspired (to eat popcorn and Haribos 😉 )
I still want the validation of both a credible XC Racer
Hmm. I used to XC race, I am very competitive but never did very well. I realised that I was racing against people who had advantages I don't have - maybe a natural climber's physique, or a life or mentality that allows for loads of training. I knew one guy doing 24hr races who was skinny, early 20s, and lived at home, and he was single minded so he did nothing but go to work, eat the food his family made for him and then ride. Which is fine, but I realised that I couldn't do that. I enjoy many things in life not just cycling.
Of course XC racing doesn't need to demand as much training time as 24hr riding, but it's still a fair bit. And now I am married with kids I need to devote time to the other people in my life, as well as ride, and also have the personal downtime that I need.
The key point is not to try too hard to achieve one thing (an XC podium, for example), if it excludes other things you want to do.
Would I be correct to say that, at 49.5, you have a couple of years of natural advantage - you'll be racing against folk up to 10 years older than you rather than up to 10 years younger?
Would I be correct to say that, at 49.5, you have a couple of years of natural advantage – you’ll be racing against folk up to 10 years older than you rather than up to 10 years younger?
Next year yes, this year the other way!
I still want the validation of both a credible XC Racer
Do you really think this will make you happy? I can understand people dedicating their lives to professional sport earlier on in life but doing so just to be an ok middle-aged racer? I don't get it. It's fine if it what makes you happy but it really doesn't sound like it does.
But then I'm fat and unfit and depressed so don't listen to me!
Do you really think this will make you happy? I can understand people dedicating their lives to professional sport earlier on in life but doing so just to be an ok middle-aged racer?
By itself, no because as I've alluded to I need a balance and am not at all dedicating my life to it, just 10-12hrs a week. But I like to be fit and challenged athletically, and I enjoy the process to do so, until of course it becomes an overbearing impact on the rest of my life. What I value is the associated purpose leading to a validation for my efforts in perspective and this is what the races provide.
Believe me, as much as I think I'd like to surf a sofa sipping a beer in the evenings I'd be even more grumpy and intolerable than I was when I first posted here.
Tonight we’ll have a family Movie night, and where normally I’d be fretting about weight gain, I shall be stuffing myself with Haribo, popcorn, Dorito’s M&M’s and other snacks with the kids whilst accidentally achieving carb loading for Sundays race 😀 Work issues will wait until Monday. Its all a balance, right?
There you go, you've cracked it.
I still want the validation of both a credible XC Racer and a respected senior work professional, and I prefer the effort and drive, integrity and reward that goes toward achieving both of those
One thing I was going to post here, that no-one else seemed to mention, but you've kind of touched on here - your identity and how it relates to your mental wellbeing.
Have you long been 'that guy who races XC at a high level'? Is this one of the things that give you confidence or validation? If you stopped being that particular guy, how would you feel about it? If you were just someone who's fit and quite handy up the hills, would that affect your self-perception, and why? And how do you handle the idea that, one day, it's probably going to happen anyway?
As discussed there are plenty of other ways to stay fit and healthy, challenge yourself athletically, get out etc - from more casual MTBing to fell running etc etc. But if a core part of your self worth is bundled up in XC podium places, then they won't necessarily cut the mustard.
I'm not trying to belittle anything here. I had a similar thing when I had to finally stop being a musician/producer/DJ and get a real job at 35. (I had lost the love of being in nightclubs anyway, if i was completely honest with myself). But that's who I was - to change 'music' from being my entire life to being a hobby meant completely re-thinking how I saw myself. It's not easy! I was a 'cool DJ' and I didn't want to be a 'boring office drone'.
But it is worth chewing on - how much of my self-worth and sense of identity comes from X, and could I change that?
But I like to be fit and challenged athletically
How about a crack at an ITT like say, the Ridgeway Double? You only need to do a couple of those a year.
Worth a read:
@blurty - thanks, thats useful.
Have you long been ‘that guy who races XC at a high level’? Is this one of the things that give you confidence or validation? If you stopped being that particular guy, how would you feel about it? If you were just someone who’s fit and quite handy up the hills, would that affect your self-perception, and why? And how do you handle the idea that, one day, it’s probably going to happen anyway?
A lot of people have focused on the racing; this is 1/3rd of my life which became 1/2 a of last Sunday and I've now addressed the balance. In short 2-4 years seriously, and yes I can accept that I'll stop, but I'm not ready for that yet. As mentioned, I want to do it but it crept into impacting my life negatively last week.
how much of my self-worth and sense of identity comes from X, and could I change that?
Actually more of that comes from my professional life and I'm about to make some positive changes with that which I can't post about as yet.
I'd say @doris5000 is close to the answer here from what you've described. It's something I've experienced and seen friends/acquaintances go through (some at the very very top of their sports). It's natural to get satisfaction and validation from being that *insert sport/music/whatever* guy, especially the better you are at it. Same for work. But the issue comes when your turning down socical events for training (done that plenty of times) or it's occupying most of your thought/time to the detriment of relationships, work etc. Your comment about weight gain is interesting even if not totally serious.
Obviously if you are competing at an pro/international level, the "obsession" is needed but I've personally found it quite liberating to start saying yes to more events/activities outside of racing/training and I'm actually enjoying the racing and training more because of it. It's a mindset thing mostly and hard to silence the ego (I don't use ego in a wholly negative sense). I think realising that just because you could win your age group, go up a category, get a promotion etc etc it might not be the healthiest thing all round. Easier said than done though!
“Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
In short 2-4 years seriously, and yes I can accept that I’ll stop, but I’m not ready for that yet. As mentioned, I want to do it but it crept into impacting my life negatively last week.
I get similar feelings towards the end of the season - in my case it's usually based around a big "A" race, rather than a continuous thing - but I just want to get the damn thing done, get it over, I've had it up to here with training etc. If your break's in a couple of weeks I'd just suck it up. It's normal to feel a bit burnt out when you've been training hard and continuously for the past X months. When October comes make the most of it, ride when you feel like it not when you think you should, eat what you want, and sleep in at the weekends. You'll soon feel better.
And next year, how about getting a coach? Or at least joining a club where they set the training sessions? It could be you're trying to keep the intensity up for too long, where a coach would tell you to take it easy this week, as next week's a tough one. Start targeting specific races, rather than the series as a whole, and enjoy the rhythm of building up to a race, then a relaxing recovery, rather than trying to maintain a high level all season long.
Modern life is just rubbish, innit?
Modern life is ace, most of our ancestors struggled to survive, have food to eat, shelter, look after those around them, fight off adversaries. We have time to spend how we choose, make the most of it.
This could be a case of Affluenza, look up Oliver James, he wrote a book about it.
Modern life is just rubbish, innit?
It's not like it was better at other times. At least the OP has a choice about what he wants to do.
Educator
Modern life is ace, most of our ancestors struggled to survive, have food to eat, shelter, look after those around them, fight off adversaries. We have time to spend how we choose, make the most of it.
This is very true, but somehow we can't see it?
Having lost my wife 2 years ago today, things were really put into sharp perspective I had been allowing others to dictate things that were not important I needed to be doing not as someone else said enjoying the remaining time I had, thankfully I'm not a target person more a general try to be happy. So I've learnt how to say NO.
Honestly its the best thing I've ever done.
I think you have been caught in a common trap. Work very hard. climb the ladder and earn good money, buy all the toys and then you think WTF? Is this it? For you its made worse by your personality - alpha male or whatever you want to call it. You have to win, work harder than everyone else etc etc. so now you have "won" and you look round and ask - is this all there is?
My answer has always been " slow down and smell the flowers". Work to live don't live to work. don't define yourself by your work accomplishments and the toys that brings. Get your validation from other things. the love of your family and friends, the great fun you have and memories that creates.
My advice for you? some talking therapy. I don't think you need lots but a bit might help and there is noshame in that. I have had counselling.
Reevaluate your priorities. IIRC yo have a good income, a pot of money and a high cost lifestyle ( my my standards anyway 🙂 ) Can you retire earlier or now if you cut down the expenditure? You do not have to retire completely but if you can clear your mortgage, cut back expenses you could afford to take an interesting part time job - get your validation thru doing good stuff or fun stuff.
Your current lifestyle does not make you happy - its not your fault and its a common trap. The answer is to change the lifestyle.
I don't think Kryton is an alpha male. We've discussed his need for validation, which needs unpacking. It's not always about insecurity. The world is full of things that can be done and sometimes you just want to be able to say 'yeah, I did this thing'.
We all need validation. Its where and how you get it.
Apologies for not reading the whole thread.
Simplify things.
Hubby and I decided a long time ago that having a life was more important than being a high flyer, earning thousands and chasing your tail.
As above you need to step away from social media. Maybe do things that are nearly free eg taking the family up a nearby hill and having a picnic. Look around see the birds, sunsets, feel nature. dig a pond and see how nature is drawn to the water and takes up residence.
As MrOvershoot said -say 'No' occasionally. It's hard at first, but you can't be all things to all men. You can't be a people pleaser all the time.
You look to have made a start.
I can empathise with his desire to train and race. I don't think it's particularly helpful to just say 'don't do it any more' because he'll then still have the need to do something else.
I suggested targeting ITTs because that kind of riding is a great mental challenge and the time commitments are different e.g. one big ride a month and a couple of short rides a week, which may be easier than an XC schedule. And more fun probably 🙂
The training and racing is a fine thing to do - its just got to be fun.
I can empathise with his desire to train and race. I don’t think it’s particularly helpful to just say ‘don’t do it any more’ because he’ll then still have the need to do something else.
I wasn't necessarily saying sack it off, but don't just keep doing it because that's what you've always done. As mentioned above I think for a lot of us, men especially, we get a lot of our identity/self-esteem from success whether that's hobbies or work - but keeping on chasing that compulsively can be damaging and counter-productive.
I find it really hard not to see my self-worth as being tied to achievement, but it's not really very healthy.
I think Mogrim and Doris5000 make very good points above - I'm happy I got'being good' out of my system earlier rather than later. To be blunt you might want to think about what 10-12 hours of training a week means in the context of your free time as you also go to work, commute etcc.? You also make the comment that you'll stop in the next 2-4 years - why? Why then in particular?
There's a really good piece of advice in there. Go and find a coach, so you use your time effectively, especially as you're getting older, and you'll start to need to change a bit. Also, go and see a sports psychologist. Get someone who can help you work with your need for selfvalidation via sport, or at least use that mental energy more positively. Don't bother with more self help books - you'll only absorb what you want to hear, and disregard the rest
You also make the comment that you’ll stop in the next 2-4 years – why? Why then in particular?
As I pointed out there's a natural advantage for the next couple of years as it means racing against folk up to 10 years older rather than up to 10 years younger. If I'd been panning myself for the last couple of years it would be hard to give it all up right at this time and not see the fruits of all that effort.
Well I don't think telling him to simply stop wanting to achieve the thing he wants to achieve is particularly good advice. If anything this leads to feelings of insecurity, because you're essentially invalidating him.
If he's drive to achieve something physical then it'll be rewarding, and removing it won't fulfil his needs. It might however be possible to replace that activity with something else that fits in with his lifestyle better.
Well I don’t think telling him to simply stop wanting to achieve the thing he wants to achieve is particularly good advice.
Good thing no one has said that then 🙄
He's got a coach btw.
Typical!
The rest of us have to put up with a van.
😆
Well, seems like I’m on form - and thanks to my Coach - as I after 9th 12 solo National in July today I was 4th 6hr Vet.
I felt good racing today although a last 3 lap battle for 4th / 5th has left me an empty shell of myself, but I’m glad I left it out there.
The weekend before I posted the op I was at then end of a training block and very far down the well of fatigue e.g. not being able to focus on Monday and struggling to stay awake, but it feels worth it now.