[Closed] I finally found out what’s wrong…

Have an affair?

49.5 = midlife?

I mean it's good to aim high but really? 😁

I do feel you though, I'm just existing every day so I can retire and live a life of solitude... At 36.6

Have you considered counselling?

Oh, and fwiw, the holiday lifestyle you think you're aspiring too sounds unbelievably dull and unfulfilling. What you may actually want is a holiday / break / to take up meditation rather than a lifestyle change that you can't actually realistically have.

I learned to skydive. I find that freefall gives me the sort of focus that is totally absent in most of my day and, for 60-ish seconds, drowns out the noise in my head.

Go try a tandem, see if that works.

Twodogs

Have an affair?

He jokes, but it doesn't half have the potential to change your life!

I'm not sure that Kryters will find riding with TJ all that relaxing.

I've always thought that a holiday feels like that precisely because it's a holiday, if that was your lifestyle then it would be something completely different and just not the same at all.

To quote the Sphinx

When you doubt your powers, you give power to your doubts.

I take the point about sitting without external influences but it just sounds like general ennui rather than any major life revelation tbh.

+1 to holiday lifestyle getting boring fairly quick. By the end of a week eating out or in a hotel and really enjoying it I'm looking forward to cooking and eating homemade stuff again.

food and time and lazy enjoyment feels restricted by the needs of my bike training and associated time and dietary needs

Sack it off then? Or at least re evaluate if it's actually worth it.

Sounds like textbook ennui to me. I too am 49.6 & contemplating another ten years of same old whilst number 3 grows up (he's nearly 6).

My ideal life would be near both beach and mountains, with a river for wild swimming and a golf course nearby. No chance of getting bored for me (as per above), but horses for courses I guess.

Notwithstanding any comments re first world problems (which in fairness you've already alluded to) I'd suggest learning something new. This could be a language, it could be a skill like carpentry, it could be skydiving, it could be how to manual. Point is it gives you something to focus on and critically gives you a sense of achievement. My mum at 82 decided to learn Latin and pre covid was attending two sessions a week and has continued virtually. No use to her whatsoever from a purely practical perspective, but she loves it!

Can relate to this as well. Generally there’s nothing wrong with my life and I’m so grateful for all my friends and family, a relatively comfortable job and fit enough to have a lot of fun at the weekend.
But recently everything’s just been feeling a bit “meh” and “what next?”

I’m not quite ready to make the move yet (from both a financial and skills/experience perspective) but I think my solution is to try and get a more rewarding job, either in charity or some sort of teaching/tutoring role.

I’m not sure where I’ll end up but just somewhere that’s a bit more “giving back” than the current office job for a megacorp that I’m in just now

I’ve always thought that a holiday feels like that precisely because it’s a holiday, if that was your lifestyle then it would be something completely different and just not the same at all.

Quite, lets not focus on the holiday as that probably just an immediate desire. Its the "getting through the next 10 years with some enthusiasm" bit which I want conquer, and wondering if this is a temporary mental glitch that others have experienced and have advice on coping with. I'm already meditating fwiw. It feels like I'm lucky enough that it should be an easy ladder to climb, yet my brain is in reverse gear at the thought.

food and time and lazy enjoyment feels restricted by the needs of my bike training and associated time and dietary needs

Sack it off then? Or at least re evaluate if it’s actually worth it.

This has been suggested more than once. It's something that I don't understand but I guess it's something Kryton values highly enough to put up with its demands. Maybe, at 50, it's time to re-evaluate though.

Can you di something else for work?

. I too am 49.6 & contemplating another ten years of same old whilst number 3 grows up (he’s nearly 6).

Are you not excited to do stuff with him? Seems sad to me that you're just viewing it as a period to get through.

I guess it’s something Kryton values highly enough to put up with its demands

In many respects. I love the challenge of pushing to my limits and cannot bear the thought of not having a reason to exercise and push myself regardless of my level. Even if I stopped racing I'd likely continue with some kind of training. Right now though I'm about to enter '22 grand vets having reached a decent level of performance, so it seems a shame to throw the last 2-3 years work in the bin.

Yet, I'd love to have a few beers and scoff a kebab at a whim without restriction at times.

Do you have an off season?

Explore more flow experiences. With solitude life's little demons can easily catch up with you. Doing stuff rather than owning stuff is where it's at.

Do you have an off season?

Yes October, so nutritional freedom is just around the corner. Its not just the biking though, its looking forward with a feeling of... well not dread exactly but more like a foreboding sense of disappointment for some bizarre reason I can't explain.

Doing stuff rather than owning stuff is where it’s at.

Indeed, I went though an anti materialistic journey that together with the savings and investments insights on here has been a real achievement toward our financial future. However, the Pandemic put paid to doing a lot of things recently and perhaps like everyone else thats been an influence on my experience of freedoms.

A bit harsh, but get over yourself? We all have to cope with life's drudgery - it's called life!

If that really is your only problem, then just accept that for the things you want (house, car, paying for Uni etc) you have to stick it out.

Or, accept that if you want to be happier, give up some of your aspirations (house, car, paying for Uni etc) and change to a job that gives you more time for yourself.

Yet, I’d love to have a few beers and scoff a kebab at a whim without restriction at times.

Having a few beers and a kebab isn't going to make a dent in 2-3 years of training. The mental aspect of constantly depriving yourself of something you want will probably have a bigger negatiuve impact on it.
At the end of the day, you're not a pro, you're a 50+ bloke who's racing for fun. IMO you need to stop trying to train like you're Nino Schurter and just train and enjoy life.

looking forward with a feeling of… well not dread exactly but more like a foreboding sense of disappointment for some bizarre reason I can’t explain.

That sounds like the beginnings of mild depression/anxiety.

Easier said than done but try and stop over analysing everything imo!

To quote Jason Mendoza:

Molotov cocktails work. Anytime I had a problem and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.

That reminds me of the Mark Manson definition which goes something like "... everyone always has problems and you need to accept you will never not have problems or you will never be happy. The trick is to try to make your way through life having better problems than before."

I think there is a realisation that you never really 'arrive' in life, it's just a series of slowly changing elements, some bits are good and some bits are challenging.

I fell down a mental black hole in my early 30's. Frightened and dismayed that I'd got that far and hadn't really done much of note. Life was all a bit of an unhealthy blur. Eventually, I came back to cycling and made more and more of an effort for it to be a regular feature of my life.

I'm now 48 and smashing around on my Stooge is a huge ingredient in my mental health. Sure, exercise and fresh air are all great but it's time away from all the nagging doubt and frustrations, and work etc... Thinking about that crap on the trail and you'll hit that tree or big rock...

It sounds easy to say but actually just trying to relax a bit is really important. The world is a hard place, I lost two close friends this summer (one in a car accident, the other murdered) and it's hard to find any kind of positives. Then im out in the wilds on a bike or foot and I spot a deer or find some wild new fungi or a sweet new singletrack and somehow I feel better.

And to totally blow my hippy vibe - I think it's in Hindu, a theory about 9 permanent emotions - 4 white (positive) and 4 black (negative), and between both is tranquillity. There is a point between happy and sad where you are totally 'still' and clutter free. Granted, it perhaps sounds like nonsense but it works for me...

It's the nearest I've found to a brain restart!

I appreciate that we cannot go back to the kind of work travelling we used to do, and I would resist it - but by eck I do miss it. Spending a day in aimless limbo with nothing to do apart from be in a certain place at a certain time - then solving some customer problem then retire to a quiet hotel room to watch tv or surf or do something on my own, with a run or a bike ride. I loved that. I've been at home with my family constantly which has big benefits but I do just need some time on my own, somewhere else. I couldn't wait for them to go back to school at least.

I can relate. I have just given up a very well paid job and am currently unemployed, back at Uni studying and figuring out what I want to do next, how little money I actually need to live on, versus how many hours I am prepared to waste on earning it. I am lucky to be in the position I am, and genuinely have never been happier (or poorer)!

And I am a bit older than you!

It sounds easy to say but actually just trying to relax a bit is really important.

Yeah I find myself reaching for my phone instead of actually having downtime, this is a very bad thing to do constantly*.

* he posted, on social media...

How 'into' social media are you?

I have really moved away from Facebook (although I still use it) and have never bothered with any other social media platform like Instagram or twitter.
I found I was constantly looking at other people's portrayal of a supposedly perfect lifestyle & even though I knew in most cases it was a façade it would still bother me....

They've just been on holiday, how can they be going again? Wow, that's a very impressive extension they've just paid for. Oh blimey, so and so is really talented I wish I could do that.....

We've even had days out with people where they have done nothing but moan & had screaming kids the whole day, but have then managed to post a gleaming social media update with the one 'happy family' selfie of the day, coupled with other 'lifestyle pics' from the day that paints a completely false impression of the shitshow of a day they just had.

Maybe you don't use social media but if you do, perhaps consider moving away from it?
I don't know if it's correct, but I get the impression that a lot of your woes stem from comparing your life with how others are perhaps doing and always wanting 'better'?

How much time does your racing & training take up? I currently spend anywhere from 2-6hrs a week on cycling, am never going to be at the sharp end of a race (quite the opposite) and still find that it really eats into family time & 'getting stuff done' time.
If you add up the amount of training & racing that you do, how much time is it? And proportionally, does it give you enough reward to make it worthwhile?
I find cycling is one of the worst sports in terms of fitness gained for time taken. Could you switch your desire to push yourself & compete to running, for example and keep cycling as a leisure activity - something to enjoy, rather than endure?
When was the last time you went for a ride & just cruised along? Stopped to look at the view? Took a deep breath of fresh air & just enjoyed that moment?

From your post you seem to be taking your current life situation as a necessary evil to get to an end goal - "the prospect of getting through the next 10 years of work and seeing the kids to Uni"
But those 10 years are your life and shouldn't be viewed something to be endured to get somewhere else. Those 10 years are time you could be enjoying life, creating memories with your kids & Wife that you will remember long after the joy of finishing top-ten in a bunch of sweaty men on bikes has faded. You can't get those 10 years back and I can't help but feel once this current phase of 'we just need to get there' has been reached, there will be another one.

There is a lot to be said for purpose, so many of the things we fill our lives with are short(or longer) term distractions. Some find purpose and peace, others don't.

If meditation isn't helping you be ok with the feelings you have of not being ok/wanting more/better then it sounds like it's not really working 🙂

@Kryton57 why not take a weekend to do a bikepacking trip instead of a race?

. I love the challenge of pushing to my limits

Not being an arse but maybe you’ve actually reached your limits, not the physical limit but the mental. Your training and race prep seems to have a negative effect on your life from your various posts over the years. If you can’t train and race at a certain level without it ballsing up other bits of your life maybe a ceiling has been reached and this needs to be accepted and embraced.
If you can’t sit on a beach sipping a beer relaxing why not just make some space to sit at home relaxing with those you love rather than spinning your tits off on a turbo trainer.

Good luck

Just spent a few days under stars/canvas on a picturesque campsite in the hills, I did absolutely nothing except for eating, drinking (two pubs a short walk away) and reading, limited phone signal, great weather. Perfect. Nothing like just spending time away on your own to help mentally

I think you need a 21st century version of John Macnab

The great doctor stood on the hearth-rug looking down at his friend who sprawled before him in an easy-chair. It was a hot day in early July, and the windows were closed and the blinds half-down to keep out the glare and the dust. The standing figure had bent shoulders, a massive clean-shaven face, and a keen interrogatory air, and might have passed his sixtieth birthday. He looked like a distinguished lawyer, who would soon leave his practice for the Bench.
But it was the man in the chair who was the lawyer, a man who had left forty behind him, but was still on the pleasant side of fifty.

"I tell you for the tenth time that there's nothing the matter with you."

"And I tell you for the tenth time that I'm miserably ill."

The doctor shrugged his shoulders. "Then it's a mind diseased, to which I don't propose to minister. What do you say is wrong?"

"Simply what my housekeeper calls a 'no-how' feeling."

"It's clearly nothing physical. Your heart and lungs are sound. Your digestion's as good as anybody's can be in London in Midsummer. Your nerves--well, I've tried all the stock tests, and they appear to be normal."

"Oh, my nerves are all right," said the other wearily.

"Your brain seems good enough, except for this dismal obsession that you are ill. I can find no earthly thing wrong, except that you're stale. I don't say run-down, for that you're not. You're stale in mind. You want a holiday."

"I don't. I may need one, but I don't want it. That's precisely the trouble. I used to be a glutton for holidays, and spent my leisure moments during term planning what I was going to do. Now there seems to be nothing in the world I want to do--neither work nor play."

And to totally blow my hippy vibe – I think it’s in Hindu, a theory about 9 permanent emotions – 4 white (positive) and 4 black (negative), and between both is tranquillity.

Sounds a bit like the zen of Partridge

I’ve always thought that a holiday feels like that precisely because it’s a holiday, if that was your lifestyle then it would be something completely different and just not the same at all.

I struggle to agree with this entirely (although I can understand the sentiment). However, one of the most enjoyable periods of my life (albeit before getting married, having children etc so I had no responsibilities to concern me) was when I was unemployed for several months in my early 20s. I would go walking around town, sit on a bench and contemplate, go fishing. Everything felt nice and calm and I remember it fondly some 30+ years later. I can honestly say that *if I didn't need to work to provide for my family* I could happily have a life of pottering around, filling my days with things I enjoy, relearn my artistic side, perhaps do some volunteering.

Thats a heavy rock you're carrying Mr Kryton, it weighs nothing if you put it down.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths 🙏

Gosh, there's a lot to potentially unpick from the last few posts.

@Kilo, I appreciate you being candid, and you may be right. On that premise and while you were posting I organise a ride with a friend of mine whose's recovering from cancer. I've no idea yet what "training" I'm supposed to be doing on that day, but it felt more appropriate to offer my time to him.

On the subject of a goal or purpose - a good point. I remember throughs the anti-material / investment adjustment I went through I had a goal to make & save enough money to clear the mortgage by the time the fix ends (to avoid early repayment fees) and have achieved that. I remember feeling particularly driven then satisfied about that - I need to set a new goal.

Stumpy, I avoid social media with the exception of some racing event posts on FB - I found and used a grouping method so I can quickly see the "groups" I'm interested in (Gorrick, Exposure 24/12, MSG) without trawling through the other FB posts. I'm not comparing with others here.

I need o think about the rest...

My life's goal is to retire like a character from Last of the Summer Wine - pottering around the hills doing nothing in particular! 🙂

Take up surfing

No really, take up surfing

When you get going and are sitting out back life has a different perspective

looking forward with a feeling of… well not dread exactly but more like a foreboding sense of disappointment for some bizarre reason I can’t explain.

That sounds like the beginnings of mild depression/anxiety.

Does it? I'm in trouble then. I just thought I had a good grasp of reality.

@onzadog that's the trouble, at the moment mild depression/anxiety is not necessarily an irrational response to the world.

Other than the kids achievements, nothing feels “right”.

Pretty much me for the last 10 years, and in a similar bucket of ennui/despair at 52. You didn't mention the huge feeling of inadequacy and guilt at struggling with such first world problems.

Tried the new job - lack of training, support, a shit manager with his own issues, plus the isolation of working from has made that a complete failure, but you might be luckier. I'm actively looking at alternatives, including being a postie or Amazon warehouse drone.

Don't get blinkered on retirement - a colleague was literally counting the days and the pennies from about 48 years old, and had a complete breakdown when some pension rules changed. Expect that to derail any plans you have.

I'm seriously thinking of going to the GP to go back on meds and buy myself some time to arrange some counselling while I get my head together.

No really, take up surfing

I can't swim.

But, there's a thing. Maybe I should learn to swim.

I’ve always thought that a holiday feels like that precisely because it’s a holiday, if that was your lifestyle then it would be something completely different and just not the same at all.

I struggle to agree with this entirely (although I can understand the sentiment). However, one of the most enjoyable periods of my life (albeit before getting married, having children etc so I had no responsibilities to concern me) was when I was unemployed for several months in my early 20s. I would go walking around town, sit on a bench and contemplate, go fishing. Everything felt nice and calm and I remember it fondly some 30+ years later. I can honestly say that *if I didn’t need to work to provide for my family* I could happily have a life of pottering around, filling my days with things I enjoy, relearn my artistic side, perhaps do some volunteering.

Agree with most of that reply. I took a long holiday to North Africa when I quit a job many years ago. Planned to do 4 weeks or so, ended up staying for 7 months. Wonderful time pottering about, exploring, diving. Can't imagine getting bored doing it.

At a similar age to the OP we have bought a derelict property in the middle of nowhere. We now spend a lot of time weeding and landscaping grounds and restoring the building. Currently working my way through the 3m high 18 pane windows. Fixing the frames, re-glazing and painting. Its all slow and laborious but very rewarding. No internet, no phone signal, but fantastic mountain biking, wild swimming, and wildlife. Its goes well with me cutting my hours at work.

I relate strongly with this, only another 35 years until I can do what I want to do when I want to do it...

Pretty sure we cant be the only ones that feel like this. You only have 10 more years you can do it! Try and focus on something else that makes you happy, take up a new sport or something.

Yeah there are people with worse issues but clearly it is an issue for us. I don't know if most people are happy with the day to day grind or do they feel like we do?

Couple of thoughts ...
First of all job - I'm lucky as I have a job with distinct projects that begin and end. A job like yours, in sales, where essentially you are on a conveyer belt (my perception, that may not be true) I would find difficult as it's going to appear never ending.... so change roles to something more 'structured'.

Re racing , training, I think the suggestions to jsut go bike packing are laudable, but might not work for you as you may be reminded all the time of how you're missing training, how your fitness is compared to what you want. Alternately, when I quit competitive running, and just ran for fun, I found I could reduce training quite a bit and actually enjoy just running. I kind of quit competitive running as I was running at a high standard, but was getting older, life changes, plus I'd moved (country) and there wasn't a great deal of racing locally, and I didn't want to travel all the time. I got back into climbing, mountaineering instead - maybe surfing isn't a bad suggestion

I think you already have some ideas on how to escape materialisn. You don't need to go and live in a cave, but getting over neighbour envy is a very good thing, and leaves you with a lot of energy to spend on other things

try switching off your electronics for an extended period and see how you get on.  We spend far too much of our time staring at screens rather than letting our minds wander.  Accepted you need email and web for a lot of modern life but restrict it to only that and put a time limit on it.  See how your brain gets on

But, there’s a thing. Maybe I should learn to swim.

Everybody should learn to swim.

Also, go for a walk/ride and sleep outside once in a while. The stars are amazing when you get away from the big cities.

Pretty sure we cant be the only ones that feel like this.

I think you'd have to be extremely lucky not to have felt that way at least once in your life. I'm aware of my privilege to have a job I'm good at and well paid for, but still have days (weeks) where I think WTF am I doing this for.

@grum

I don't want to hijack the OPs thread but...

that’s the trouble, at the moment mild depression/anxiety is not necessarily an irrational response to the world.

It's not a recent thing.

No really, take up surfing

I wouldn't recommend this based on what little I've done, and what I know of the OP. He'll be constantly fretting about which beach to go to at what time of day, what board to take and if he can improve things by making some small change to his technique or buying some other piece of kit.

I'd suggest mountain climbing, the kind where you just need boots and a car. For me, that's a far better way to get away from those kinds of thoughts. You're out for 10 hours and it's just you and the hills and you just put one foot in front of the other - one of the most elemental things a human can do. I seriously miss it. One of my best days recently was when I took a day out of our family holiday and walked out of the back of our campsite and straight up the steep side of Cadair Idris as fast as I could.

Swimming lessons sounds a good idea. I try to go swimming once a week, i find i can't physically think about anything else whilst doing it, so its great to switch off.

Re biking: I miss road racing, but find with a family and work etc i can't ride/train 5 days a week, so stopped doing it; its taken me 15 years to accept this ( i do the occasional sprint triathlon though). I have, however, started playing tennis again after a 25 year break and am loving it. Played my 2nd doubles match last night, we lost but still enjoyed it.

I also find gardening helps me too. We have 1/2 an allotment now. Have you tried growing your own food/flowers? Go mental and plant the verge up outside the house. That'll sort the neighbour envy out....

Try something new. Mix up your training. Do some new events/ routes. Pick up a new hobby. You're not on your own.

I find running useful. I don't enjoy it but it is satisfying when it's done.

It's the nearest I ever get to a meditative state. No music, just the breathing and the foot strikes. Run down the canal until the noise of life isn't in my head anymore, then run back.

Spending a day in aimless limbo with nothing to do apart from be in a certain place at a certain time – then solving some customer problem then retire to a quiet hotel room to watch tv or surf or do something on my own, with a run or a bike ride. I loved that

@molgrips - that sounds a lot like third space - not home, not work. It's really important. After all this time WFH and not having a structured plan for getting out of the house once a day at least, I'm starting to realise how a commute actually was a chance to zonk out a bit and process things mentally. I didn't travel much for work over the last few years, but the joy of being on the move to somewhere and not having to do structured work while doing it is something I miss. Most of my good written work (and that's my line of work) is / was done on the hoof.

Yes that sounds like it. Of course it helped significantly that I was generally surrounded by cafes and restaurants that I didn't have to pay for 🙂

I'm very often late for everything except flights for which I was always very early so that I could just sit around for hours doing nothing.

Learning to swim as a route to open water swimming sounds like a great idea. You can get enjoyment from improving your technique but I also find it incredibly meditative when swimming in a lake or sea.

Or perhaps trail running. A bit of a risk on this as with swimming that you get drawn in to competing but I tend to do most of my running as a means of getting out in the hills, not as any kind of training.

“If happiness wasn’t in comfort, was it somehow to be found in being uncomfortable? Was there some need for those of us with no suffering in our lives, to find some?”

a quote that sticks with me.

I always feel better about my day to day life when i have done something that entails being outside my day to day life "enduring" something that i find hard* to appreciate how good life actually is.

admittedly that has been quite tough to do recently for obvious and not so obvious reasons but when i do manage it i always feel better about being at my desk.

*i dont mean going out for a bike ride or doing a bike race - those are part of your normal life currently it seems.

My belief is that you are looking externally for your happiness, but, happiness primarily
comes from within.

Daosim is a good place to start if you want to find inner peace and happiness.

Small print: Daosim plays a big part in my life 🙂

Your OP reads like this to me:

"I'm doing things I'm not enjoying and that makes me sad. I'm not doing things I want to be enjoying which will make me happy."

You are, to be frank, in a rut. You're training and racing because it's what you do, not because it's what you want to do. Yes, it's a shame to sack off a couple of years of training, but if you're not enjoying it and it's just a chore then what's the point? Take up Lego or basketball or synchronised dance or yogurt-knitting or something. Read a book, rent an allotment, listen to loud music with the lights off.

You want solitude? Take it. Get a lightweight tent, sling it on your back and go up a hill, or on your bike, and just **** off somewhere for an overnighter. The world will still turn if you take a night off for a micro-adventure. Back when I was a carer for someone, it took the caree to tell me "if you fall over then you're no use to me." I spent a night next to a lake in the Langdales and I came back recharged.

Yet, I’d love to have a few beers and scoff a kebab at a whim without restriction at times.

Do that, then. Everything in moderation, including moderation.

I always feel better about my day to day life when i have done something that entails being outside my day to day life “enduring” something that i find hard* to appreciate how good life actually is.

Yes. I bike all the time, so it's just routine as you say. So I look for something really hard to do, which is why I did a couple of long ITTs. They were hard physically and mentally but I need a challenge to overcome, and sometimes having to dig really really deep, in a way that you don't do in 90 mins in XC, for me is rewarding.

“I’m doing things I’m not enjoying and that makes me sad. I’m not doing things I want to be enjoying which will make me happy.”

Not quite. More:

“I’m doing things now which restrict my enjoyment on some levels in order to reach a goal. Some of these - work - are no different to other people but I need to be able to manage it. Assuming a status quo, the thought of that for the future is draining my enthusiasm. I'm uncertain how to conduct the next period of my life to increase my happiness.”

Btw I did have a Peroni with Salami and cheese last night which prompted this thread. I do appreciate the rest of your post btw.

You might die tomorrow, do more of what you enjoy. Everyone will have forgotten you in 150 years, who cares about a goal or purpose other than not destroying the planet, whilst enjoying the very fleeting existence we have on it.

Hope that helps!

Have an affair?

He jokes, but it doesn’t half have the potential to change your life!

But what he means is that having an affair can half the potential of your life....

This for me pretty much sums up the op and many other's situation.

“I’m doing things now which restrict my enjoyment on some levels in order to reach a goal.

Fair enough. Point stands though. Is the reward from achieving that goal - assuming you do reach it, which is a whole other argument - sufficiently offsetting your restricted enjoyment? Are you coming out the other side going "well, that was a lot of work, but it was worth it"? Are you coming out the other side at all, even?

Honestly mate, I don't know you from a hole in the ground but based purely on what you've said here it sounds to me like you need to take a breath and take stock of what you're doing. It's totally cool to take a hit for a net gain, but if there isn't a net gain and you're sat there wondering "what's the point" then, well, what is the point? Do something else.

As Randall Graves once said, "shit or get off the pot."

That film (excellent) was followed up by an advert for cars.

That film (excellent) was followed up by an advert for cars.

Perfect for the op then.... More aspirational crap for him to buy.

Wonder if there were some designer sunglasses to match the car?

Before we get too unpleasant here, I want to clear something up.

Take nice cars for example. On the one hand, yes, they are aspirational purchases for some, no doubt about that. Perhaps even many. But you can't deny that they are actually nice in themselves. You might want a car that is quiet, comfortable and fun to drive purely for those reasons, if you have to drive a lot. Suggesting that people who buy nice stuff only do it to impress others is a bit lazy and not necessarily true.

Take nice cars for example. On the one hand, yes, they are aspirational purchases for some, no doubt about that. Perhaps even many. But you can’t deny that they are actually nice in themselves. You might want a car that is quiet, comfortable and fun to drive purely for those reasons, if you have to drive a lot. Suggesting that people who buy nice stuff only do it to impress others is a bit lazy and not necessarily true.

Agreed, there are some things that are nice to use/be in/on whatever.

Theres pleasure to be found in using a bread maker rather than 50p supermarket white, or any car nicer than the base model Korean econobox, or a nice watch that keeps the same time as a £9 casio, or a bike that is (nearly) the same as a pro athlete uses.

It might not be the cheapest option, but if it has the potential to make you happy and you can afford it...

That film is excellent!

But, take up something new. I have to admit I do wander between hobbies over the years. But learning something new from scratch really is wonderful. I was quite an accomplished local time trialist. I gave that up when I realised it really didn't matter, and I was missing out on lots of precious time with my young family. I still ride, but the amount I do is really very little now - I do get pangs of guilt about that, having spent so long getting good at it, and all the money spent on it.

I've recently embarked on the coach to 5K. I really love running! The post run thing, wow!

I've also bought myself a paddle board, which now after 5 or 6 sessions and working out things I'm really loving.

AND we have jsut taken on a full size allotment! We have no idea what we're doing - which is the best bit! So many fantastic things out there, outside of cycling.

Honestly, nothing better in life than embarking on new things.

I'm caring for a 27yr old severely autistic son, your troubles seem a mere bagatelle in comparison.
Until Tinnitus came calling I used to ride off-road m/cycles on the weekend as a coping mechanism, hours out the garage of an evening fiddling with the things listening to Radcliffe and Maloney whilst supping a few also helped.
So,I would recommend some quality time out the mancave or failing that, learn to be satisfied with a certain level of dissatisfaction.

“I’m doing things now which restrict my enjoyment on some levels in order to reach a goal. Some of these – work – are no different to other people but I need to be able to manage it.

This sounds like you just need to work out what your priorities are.
You are doing certain things to reach a goal that causes compromise in other aspects of your life.
If the value of the goal is less than the pain of the compromise then it sounds like a re-prioritisation is in order.

A few years back I was modestly overpaying the mortgage. Doing this meant we had less spare cash available for home improvements and so this was causing frustration.
I realised that overpaying the mortgage a few years early at the expense of not being able to improve our home environment in the present time was a pointless exercise. So we stopped overpaying the mortgage to free up cash.
While this is a financial example, it needn't be.

I get the impression that you are in a reasonably good position financially - although I could be wrong. Would it be possible and feasible to drop to a 4 day week, and take the financial hit but gain an extra day to focus on the things that you would like to do?

Oh, and fwiw, the holiday lifestyle you think you’re aspiring too sounds unbelievably dull and unfulfilling. What you may actually want is a holiday / break / to take up meditation rather than a lifestyle change that you can’t actually realistically have.

Might seem dull and unfullfilling to some but I'd love that lifestyle too. Not being tired all the time and having time to do things is as fulfilling as it gets I my eyes. Then, I don't get bored and don't need things to do. I hate having too many plans and not being able to wake up thinking " what shall I do today". That feeling of freedom is amazing.

Work to me is dull and unfullfilling. It gets in the way of doing what I want to do. Not interested in any other jobs or working for a living. I'd retire now if I could afford to.

OP, don't let others tell you what you want. Only you know what you want, so try to do that now while you still can. If you can retire early to do that then go for it.

Have you considered that you might be overtraining? I speak from personal experience . I have been in your shoes and it turned out to be overtraining. Not the physical , but the mental exertion of constantly aiming for that lofty goal can twist you a bit. I think I have read research where overtraining leads to reduction in testosterone, which can lead to melancholy. Dont ask for links, Im working off memory here.
Also, if you are serious about changing your life to the extent you mention, go into the process mentally expecting to fail. I have two failed attempts at emigration behind me, neither of which I had any control over as freak occurences ended both those dreams, and the ensuing depression claimed 18 months of my life. Sometimes its good to try but also to be happy with what youve got. If a new bathroom is the extent of your worries, feel blessed that it is only temporary and well within reasonable expectation to remedy, if not now then one day.
Do you do things which challenge you, or are you only trying to improve at something you are already good at? Maybe start a new hobby or sport as a raw newbie, maybe something at which you will be uttterly dominated , unless you are that 1% who are naturally gifted. Im thinking boxing, judo, jiu jitsu, etc. Getting manhandled by someone half your size can do wonders for your perspective, and also light a fire under your arse again in your drive to get better than last session. You sound like a competitive person, so this might be right up your street, mental as well as physical stimulation.

FWIW this is about choosing a new car, watch or sunglasses.

Honestly mate, I don’t know you from a hole in the ground but based purely on what you’ve said here it sounds to me like you need to take a breath and take stock of what you’re doing. It’s totally cool to take a hit for a net gain, but if there isn’t a net gain and you’re sat there wondering “what’s the point” then, well, what is the point?

Indeed, this is something I need to think about, I'm not very good at admitting defeat/stepping backwards.

Have you considered that you might be overtraining? I speak from personal experience... ...Not the physical , but the mental exertion of constantly aiming for that lofty goal can twist you a bit

Yes, and thanks for re-iterating this. I have my October break to come and I need to think about this and the earlier Nino context, and perhaps dilute my training to make room for some enjoyment rather than losing 5 days of "other" time to the bike.

Getting manhandled by someone half your size can do wonders for your perspective

C&H?

I’m not very good at admitting defeat/stepping backwards.

And that right there is the problem. That perception of defeat.

In hitting this head-on you're not stepping backwards. You're stepping forwards. You want to better yourself, creating this thread is a win in itself.

So in light of you admitting that you are bad at admitting defeat, take up something where the admitting is taken out of your hands, and you are actively beaten with no doubt. It will do wonders for your perspective.