I don't know why I'm posting this.

Also,

****.

****ing ****.

Sorry to hear that Cougar.

I lost both my parents in a relatively short period of time (less than six months between them)

I'm sure friends and relatives will rally around given the chance and a little time to process.

I have friends, yes. But thank you.

I lost my dad maybe ten years ago but... we never really saw eye to eye, shall we say. My mum's different, we were close.

... and of course,

Sorry to hear that also.

I am, frankly, a ****ing wreck right now.

I'm very sorry to hear that, sincerlely.

You will be a ****ing wreck right now, if you weren't I'd say theres something wrong with you.

That sounds like a cold thing to say, but I've lost all of my family over the last few years, aside from my dog and i've kinda got used to death.

To me it's part of the tsunami of life, sometimes you don't get much chance for breath before the next wave hits you.

And thats fine. downtime is good, but do not feel presuured into doing anything daft.

I worded that really badly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's OK to feel sad and grieve, it's normal and healthy, and it's ok to get angry and frustrated.

It might take a few months or a few years to really come to terms with things. That's normal, different people come to terms with things in thier own way.

I'll shut my gob now as I'm probably not helping.

Nothing useful to add. This place was actually a comfort and incredibly lovely when mine died. In the end everyone does a bunch of the important stuff alone I think. All the best to you and yours

Sincere condolences Cougar, never a nice place to be.

As for posting on here? You're just venting, like a lot of people do on here including me. Write what you want, when you want and someone will reply. Just the act of typing stuff out can be very cathartic and might just be what you need right now. Both of my parents are at End Of Life stages and them going really scares me, I know it's a normal part of the life cycle but it still isn't something to look forward to. Good luck getting through it.

gah - so sorry to hear this.

Losing my dad when I was in my early 20s was beyond traumatic, and the weeks following his death (funeral etc) felt surreal - we were all in a daze.  I remember the hardest thing was that the world keep turning, despite your entire life imploding (or feeling like it had) still having to put petrol in the car and remember to buy toilet rolls was difficult to reconcile.

My advice is to just slip into neutral and roll through the bumps of the next few weeks - just let the funeral directors manage the arrangements, try to delegate things to other friends/family if possible (who will be grateful to be able to help) and accept help where it's offered.

We've had some pretty serious family trauma since then and the "how do we cope?" question has been asked a lot.  The answer is: coping is getting through it.  This is something that's happening "to" you - you don't have to manage the situation any more than doing what's required, you don't have to cope "well" - you just have to get through to the other side without losing-it, that's the only objective here.

I stood up and spoke at my fathers funeral, because it felt like something that I should do.  It didn't achieve anything, I don't feel any weird pride in the fact I did it - in retrospect, all it did was make the week leading up to the funeral (and then the day itself) more stressful for me.  I would advise my younger self not to do it, and just focus on getting through each day/interaction instead of trying to achieve some imagined standard of how you feel you should cope.

I'm not sure if that's helpful (or even makes sense)

Sorry for your loss.

That’s shit mate.

I hope you can enjoy some good memories.

Really sorry for your loss. Big virtual hugs to you.

More virtual hugs to you from a lurker. Go easy on yourself. 🙁

Terrible news, sorry @Cougar.

Sad news to hear @Cougar , thinking of you.

Take it one day at a time. You’ll get through this immediate deluge of things. Then the next bunch.

Sorry to read this Cougar. All I can say is you know where I am if you need to vent. As others have said, it’s all a part of life but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Think of the goods times and accept any help you can from those around you. Big hugs from the Funk family.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry to hear this Cougar,

I lost my dad about 5 yrs ago now and totally understand where you are right now, it's rough. I know it's a bit of a cliche but remember the good times. Like batfink said above try and slip into neutral for the next few weeks.

Another virtual hug for you

So sorry to read this. Another virtual hug. Be kind to yourself.

Condolences @cougar

Really sorry for your loss 🙁

Sorry to hear this. In my experiences, having to get on with the daily necessities is a help, organising funeral stuff is horrible though.

There's nothing that really prepares you for losing your own parents. I mean, on some level all of us know that it's going to happen, but when it does; shitting hell.

It's OK to be a miserable wreck for a bit.

Very sorry to hear this. Took me a couple of days to start functioning at a basic level after my mum died. I work in a garden centre and the number of times during a week when I see a pensioner who looks just like her and my heart stops...

🙁

Look after yourself.

Sorry to hear this.

Feel free to vent and rage on here when things get too much, lean on friends when you need to.

The raw emotion will ease eventually, leaving a bitter-sweet mix of sadness and memories.

I lost my Dad 7 years ago and just yesterday on my way home from a ride with pals I rode up to the hill where we scattered his ashes.  Spent 5 mins watching the sunset and then carried on home.

I've still my Mum but from watching my OH who's lost both her parents, I think when both are gone folk have lost that physical 'link' to their past - and it is a reminder that they're 'next'...

Sorry to hear that, Cougar

What scares me most is that I might not feel that way when my 2 go.  They've both been declining for several years now, especially my mum, and I think I may have done the grieving already.  I think their former selves would not see any pleasure in their current lives and it's really hard to see them struggling.

Anyhow, condolences.  Good luck; they tell me the grind of the admin sometimes "helps", at leat as a distraction

Condolences Cougar. Look after yourself, take the time you need. Hope dealing with all the necessary stuff goes okay - it amazes me how overcomplicated dealing with the passing of a family member can become for no appreciable reason. Death is a git with inconvenient timing. You'll pull through.

Even when expected, that news sucks.

I hope you start feeling better soon and get to the point of balance where the 50+ years mean more than the final moments. It can take a while to get there but you will get there. Until then, chip up and ride your bike?

Really sorry to hear this. My condolences.

IME just talking about it helps, it's a release which I found I needed, we (my brothers and I) lost both of ours within a week 11 years ago (**** cancer).  So sorry for your loss.

Terrible news, take time to care for yourself over the coming days.

Sorry to hear that Cougar.

My Mum died around this time of year, two years ago, and I was just thinking about her this morning.

I was listening to an Adam Buxton podcast of his interview with Richard E Grant, it's very entertaining but with a section on death of loved ones/grief, as they discuss Grant's wife's death last year and Buxton's parents deaths.

I got a bit upset but found it "enjoyable"

Maybe yourself, or others, might get something out of it... (about 50mins or so into the podcast)

Sad news to hear Cougar.

Condolences to you and your family.

Sorry for your loss,look after yourself through these early days,it will get easier.

My thoughts are with you.

I think you said you were already in a difficult place. Take your time and get help if you need it

Sorry that is shit news. 🙁

I still have both my parents, not looking forward to that day when it comes.

Sorry to hear that!

bon courage.

So sorry to hear of your loss Cougar. Try to keep busy and spend time with people that you care about, as you adjust to a new reality.

I went on a long bike ride with friends the day after my mum died. It helped and I know it was exactly what she would have wanted me to do.

It is very hard because mums have a unique role in our lives which no one can replace.

Dammit Cougar. A huge hug and my deepest sympathies on your loss. Please do look after yourself in the coming weeks.

Really sorry for your loss. Big virtual hugs to you.

This. So sorry for your loss.

Lost my dad 25 years ago and my mum 2 years ago. My reactions were different for both despite both being expected (because **** Cancer).

In all honesty, just do what you want to and if that means post in here then why not. I baked some scones and a feta and cherry tomato loaf the day after my mum died. I have no idea why (I’m hardly a regular baker and neither was my mum; although she cooked a mean chocolate chip cake) and I don’t think it matters.

Condolences and look after yourself

Sorry for your loss Cougar, my Mam died just over a year ago, but she pops into my head often - they never really leave us. A bloody good cry when you feel like it helps I find!

Sorry man, that's $h1t news. Lots of good thoughts and advice already so I won't add to it.

Those of us lucky enough to have parents still with us have it coming...

Take care fella, look after you.

Nothing to add but e-hugs.

Sorry for your loss mate, I'd say batfinks advice mirrors my own experience (albeit I never did the speech, just carried the coffin). I don't regret not taking a bigger role as I could barely talk about the hard facts never mind give a eulogy. It's taken 2 years to get over it, I only just started counselling back in May or so that finally let me clear my head of the clutter in there.

Shit Cougar, I feel so sorry for you. Geeky IT type hugs.

Thank you all.

Both of my parents are at End Of Life stages and them going really scares me

(And similar)

Something which has been rolling around in what passes for my brain in the last couple of weeks is, we're sort of primed for our own mortality but don't really talk about everyone else's. It's a curse of getting older, you get to watch your heroes die. Rock stars, actors, grandparents, parents, and if you're really lucky, all your friends too.

Sending you hugs Cougar.
It’s perfectly natural to be all over the place and no one can tell you how you will or should react. Grieving is a very personal thing. In these first stages you will have so much running through your head, hopefully it will settle through time.
Sorry for your loss

Sorry to hear this Cougar, I lost both mine a couple of years ago within a few months of each other and it's shit!

Be kind to yourself.

So sorry for your loss Cougar.

Sorry for you're loss Cougar, hope you work through it ok

That is sad news.

My dad passed away a few years back.  I miss him.

A friend who had lost her mother when she was young reminded me that I can call my dad on my pretend hand-phone for a chat.

We speak all the time.

My Mum asked a while ago, quite innocently, related to the regularity of going to friends funerals "When does it all end", my response was my typical "Well ..... with yours?"

Luckily she saw the funny side of it.

I've not lived close to my Mum for 20 years now (doesn't feel that long but actually it really is). Soon I'll be spending a few days with her for the first time in lots of years for reasons (not really good ones to be honest). She has a partner she's been with a long time who is in the early stages of his brain failing him, so she has a lot to do looking after him, they also live in Poole which is a long trip from Cambridgeshire and always a pain at this time of year. I could/should have spent more time with her over the last few years, I'm sure I'll come to regret that at some-point in the next few years.

Also, as an only child, once she's gone it'll feel very odd, aside from my wife I have no other close relatives really and no kids of my own.

Oh Cougar, deepest condolences. I'm still aching when I remember my mum.

Ach, Cougar, loads of love from all of the Nanny clan. It's hard to deal with, no easy way, but you'll get there.

Remember:

Everyones grief is their own.  There is no right or wrong way to react.

The effects on your brain can be quite noticeable.  Its taken me 2 years to get back to feeling like I can function properly again.  full blown brain fog for months

There is one person who matters now.  You.  do what you need to and look after yourself

At least there is no pain now. Thing about chronic illness is you see a loved one in pain and that is the hardest part to bear.

Mum's currently in hospital, and yesterday had an operation for bladder cancer, which was diagnosed on monday from a scan. Which is not bad going to have them find it and 3 days later seek to remove the prob.

Although this is just the latest thing and she's been pretty much bed bound for the last 2 years with a range of conditions like insomnia, nausea,spinal issues leading to a lot of pain walking or standing, which isnt good when you need to jump up to the toilet 20 times a day.

Sis and me have been taking turns to visit, although my sister is on pretty much 24/7, though she has here own family to cook and clean for. Im just really there to entertain the cat, which I do twice a day and have done for the past fortnight for this latest bout.

So although we want them to get better, as it is mum after all and the rock you have in your mind, who was always there growing up, it is sometimes better though you would never want it, that they are no longer in pain or turmoil.

So you have my condolences.

As to being even more grumpy than usual. I can say its unlikely anyone noticed 😆

Sorry to hear this Cougar.

We are currently going through similar with the FIL. Me died unexpectedly 2 weeks ago. The wife has good days and bad days. On the good days she feels guilty that she doesn't feel sad all the time. There seems to be a lot to do and we are slowly working our way through it. At the moment the focus is on the funeral but as her father was a devout catholic the full ceremony doesn't mean much to her. We plan on having a family day in the peaks the day after to remember him and say goodbye

I'm so sorry Cougar.  I lost my mum during the pandemic, I can only imagine how you must feel right now.

Everyones grief is their own.  There is no right or wrong way to react.

100% this.

I've just got home from the funeral directors. Four grand to set fire to a ****ing box, I think I might have John 11:35 read out on the day.

Sorry to hear that.

I lost my mum a few years ago, and like you it was a long time coming

I thought I was ready and could carry on, but I found myself in work a few days later picking fights with anything and anyone I could find ( in not a argumentative person).

So the only piece of advice I can offer is to make some space where you can fall apart, blub and cry and then you can start to deal with the grief.

I'm sorry. Even when you're waiting for it to happen it throws you sideways. Best wishes and better days ahead, maybe gradually, but they come again after a while. Hugs.

Sad as it is she's gone,  🙁 so think of the living. I wouldn't worry about what kind of event she would have wanted, I'd think about the kind of event thought appropriate by those in mourning, mainly yourself. Hopefully they'll be thinking of the living too.

At some point you'll go through the photos, choose a good day for that. Nothing like a funeral to remind you to live for the moment- carpe diem!

I'm really sorry to hear that Cougar, be kind to yourself.

So the only piece of advice I can offer is to make some space where you can fall apart, blub and cry and then you can start to deal with the grief.

Already found that, seems it was the living room floor yesterday afternoon when my legs went from under me.

Sorry for your loss Cougar. Condolences to you and yours.

Similarly my mum passed after a long drawn out illness (MS) I viewed it as having been a release for her. Funerals are catharsis. Take care old chap.

As for what happened,

She had a stroke, what, 20 years ago? Maybe longer now. Whilst she was in hospital with that they diagnosed imminent double kidney failure, so in a perverse way the stroke probably saved her life.

She's made almost a full recovery from the stroke and has been managing both conditions ever since. She was on the cusp of needing dialysis but kept refusing. She was fully self-sufficient to a point of stubbornness, like refusing to let me drive her places because she wanted to do it under her own steam (bus/taxi, she didn't drive). She probably saw it as giving in.

Then maybe three or four months ago - you'll forgive me if I've lost track of timescales exactly - she was hit with something which left her gasping for breath and unable to swallow properly. She asked me to call an ambulance which is wildly out of character, my mum's old dairy farm stock and very much of the "don't make a fuss" persuasion.

She was admitted to hospital ("resus"!), poked and prodded for maybe three weeks and then sent home. They put some sort of care package in place called "enablement" or some such. The idea was to get her back up on her feet, physio and the like, but... let's say the carers were a mixed bag. Some were lovely. One had a right attitude, I could've slapped the cheeky mare.

Fast forward six weeks and she's been "enabled" at least on paper, except she hadn't because they'd mostly come in, go "anything you need?" she'd say "no thank you" and they'd leave. She'd pretty much stopped eating. The weight was falling off her, and she wasn't a big woman to start with (and always had a voracious appetite). I got her GP out to do a home visit, he took one look at her and called another ambulance.

Back into hospital, tube up the nose so they can get something inside her but at best it's a dietary supplement rather than replacement and by this point she wasn't strong enough for more invasive procedures. I had "the talk" with doctors on two separate occasions. I eavesdropped them one time and overheard they'd weighed her, she was 32kg which is 5 stone in old money.

We moved her to a nursing home because ultimately they need the beds. She's mostly non-communicative by this point, but I think this was largely physical rather than mental (which is arguably worse, would you prefer to be oblivious?). She was given some sort of fast-track programme to pay for it, I have a friend who's a nurse and she told me they only offer that service to people who aren't going to be needing it for very long. She was in there maybe a month.

So, yeah. Pragmatically, I can't complain too loudly because by any measure we got twenty more years out of her than we really had any right to. Aside from the holding pen between resus and a ward - she was on a trolley in a reception corridor from about 5pm till 11:30 the next morning - everyone at the hospital was brilliant. The home couldn't have been nicer, I scoped out a few ahead of her being transferred so I could make an informed decision.

Today I've had a conversation around caskets and... you know, I don't even know what else. I'd forgotten I'd even made the appointment, my partner picked me up and I was like "why, where are we going?" The director lass was lovely, but I suppose it goes with the job. "Sign here" was hilarious, I pick up a pen so rarely these days that I can barely write my own name on a good day let alone when I'm shaking like a shitting Jack Russell.

Give your loved ones a squeeze. You never know when you might not be able to any more.

sorry to hear about your loss.

As to being even more grumpy than usual. I can say its unlikely anyone noticed 😆

That made me laugh, thank you.

Could you possibly get a temporary reinstatement as a mod, with full ban-hammer privileges? Swinging that around wildly for the afternoon might take your mind off it for a bit.

Take care.

😁 There'd be no-one left.

In seriousness, I've joked about this before, but arguing with pillocks on the Internet is actually kinda cathartic.

but arguing with pillocks on the Internet is actually kinda cathartic.

I'm here for you fella. 🙂

I haven’t yet lost my mum, but losing my dad was tough. I’m glad that this place - after all you’ve put into it, seems a place where you can vent.

Loss isn’t easy to deal with. I think we all manage this in our own way. I know that when I lost my dad, I spent time with close friends who cared and that gave me a level of comfort. I am lucky that my brother dealt a lot with the practicalities of certifying his death and although I arranged his funeral, that made it easier.

I hope you are able to spend time with those who care about you and even talking it through on here if it helps.

Thinking of you.

Take care.

Sorry for your loss Cougar.

My mum died of Covid last December after 10 years with dementia. I have to admit that we all found it a relief, and as for grief, we had none left as we'd been grieving in slow motion for ten years. Not sure I'd call that lucky, but it did make all the arrangements easier to cope with.

Hugs.

Really sorry for your loss mate.  There's some decent folk on here, use them.

as for grief, we had none left as we’d been grieving in slow motion for ten years.

Honestly, it's been rough, but I think "decline over a couple of months" is probably the easiest way to cope with (for some value of "coping") because you get some warning rather than just not getting a response when you ring one day. My dad took four years from losing his marbles to finally checking out, that would probably have been awful had I cared sufficiently.

I'm sorry to hear this - my mother died (cancer) 6 years ago, and while it's shit when it happens, over time you come to accept that it's the way of the world, and the grief does pass. Virtual hugs and all that!