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When Lyanda became wheelchair dependent she was loaned a profiling bed through social services. Because of her condition the bed was put in our front room and I had a single bed next to her. The dining room (which is half the size of the front room) became our makeshift front room.
After she passed away, the bed was picked up and my dad and uncle came down to help swap everything round so my bed was in the dining room and the front room was reclaimed. We didn't use it for months though, none of us could bear to be in there as that's where I found her that morning. I didn't want to mess the kids around more than I needed to with everything that had happened and this worked. My single bed was being held up with crates etc and was pretty knackered, so I bought a big bed as the kids were wanting to join me for cuddles pretty often, understandably. This pretty much filled the dining room, but I made it work. Fast forward a bit, when my step son did what he did in July last year, it left us with an empty room. The kids used it to play in and that was fine.
During all this time, things in the house stagnated and everything got worse. No motivation to tidy, clear or sort anything out let alone do anything else. Apart from washing clothes and washing plates etc, nothing else got done. More and more things needed doing and I walked around with blinkers on literally kicking things out of the way. This made me feel even worse and my anxiety and depression completely spiralled out of control.
While I was OK with the layout of the house, I knew I had to do something about it all. Recently I've thought about measuring up the empty room to see if I could move my bed up there. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense to have my own room I could retreat to.
Yesterday while the kids were in school I just did it. My bed is now upstairs in what is now my bedroom, I slept upstairs for the first time in around 4 and a half years. As emotional as it was knowing why I could do this, it was also a nice feeling to do something different and change it up a bit. A complete mixed bag of emotions. While all this might not be a big deal to many people, for me this is a major achievement.
The down side is now the house is even worse while things get moved around. 2 bin bags and 4 recycling bags went out the door yesterday alone. Makes me realise how bad things are here and how much I've neglected everything. This makes me feel like crap and hasn't helped mentally, just have to somehow persevere through it all. I know things generally get worse before they get better, I'm just hoping I can carry on doing stuff while I'm feeling OK. I'm under no illusion that I'm now fine, a blip could be a day, a week or a month away and send me back downhill again.
Sorry it's long but wanted to share a semi decent post with you all instead of the usual dreary ones I seem to put up. Just thought some of you would appreciate knowing I've managed to do something positive in my life at last.
TLDR: I now have my own bedroom
On a side note, I'm thinking about some biking related picture/print/canvas ideas to decorate my new room, so please feel free to suggest anything. Thanks
Nicely done.
But, I’ll tell you what…
More and more things needed doing and I walked around with blinkers on literally kicking things out of the way.
Is how I find myself living as well, and I haven’t been through all the traumas you have. Must sort my own shit out this spring… I will think of you and yours when I do so, as inspiration and a kick up my arse. Thanks.
Can't recall if I've posted on any of your threads before (although I have read 99%) but, I can relate to a lot of your thoughts and processes as I have been through similar things with immediate family.
Wanted to post this time though as you are making great strides and whilst it might not feel like it to you right now, moving your house around and getting the bed upstairs is a massive step.
You're right, there will be points where you see something or something else triggers a memory and the world stops for a bit. Nothing wrong with that at all but, remember nothing can take the memories away.
You don't need all the physical things, you don't need the house upside down, you don't need to live your life in a shrine to Lyanda - you have memories to smile and remember with.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but the most important thing now is you. Look after yourself and all around you will blossom. You're on the right path, keep going 🙂
That's huge and I can tell how much this means to you, but further through your post you come across as being so hard on yourself, fully understandable, but I guarantee your an inspiration for so many on here.
Tl:Dr, your tl:dr made me laugh out loud
You're doing far more positive things than you realise, and you're moving forwards. Keep going - if you think something is negative, try not to give it space in your head.
Is how I find myself living as well, and I haven’t been through all the traumas you have
I thought this too. I've had 3 months of lockdown to sort stuff, but haven't.
This makes me feel like crap and hasn’t helped mentally
You have to make a distinction between feeling you're in a bad situation and feeling you're a bad person. The first can be useful (if not overdone) because it motives you to do something. The second is negative and in your case clearly not true; don't allow it to affect you.
gnusmas – I'm so delighted to hear this. I think you're doing so well ... I only started clearing out my partner's stuff last year ... and he died 12 years ago!
Look after yourself and all around you will blossom.
Love this. 🙂
This sounds like a very positive step to me. Shows you can overcome these challenges. Top work.
Good for you.
You can't change or forget the past, not should you. But your future is in your hands. Try not to worry about the outcome, think about the process......if you do the right things for you and your kids, the results will come.
As for some art, do it. There are some talented folks on here, Binners, WCA who could do something meaningful for you if that was your wish as opposed to something more generic. I have a genuine Binners in my house and it's way more meaningful to my wife and I than a commercial picture of the same thing.
Wow 6 bags of rubbish / recycling! You're doing way better that I ever can on that front.
Moving upstairs feels great. We moved upstairs 2 years ago after living downstairs for 2 1/2 years as we bought a dormer bungalow that needed the upstairs conversion gutting and redoing. That was a sort of planned thing too so after 4 1/2 years must be amazing.
Still loving being able to see out over the fence from the bedroom window.
On a side note, I’m thinking about some biking related picture/print/canvas ideas to decorate my new room, so please feel free to suggest anything. Thanks
@binners to the forum!
While all this might not be a big deal to many people,
With respect, I think you underestimate people.
There's been several times in my life where I've just burst into tears with relief over achieving something I'd have thought most other people would think trivial. I have no doubts that others would say similar.
Good on you, sir.
Gnusmas, easier said than done, but you really need to remember... you are doing such a great job.
I've read all your threads and can honestly say that you really are a super dad. Reading your threads has given me a lot of perspective over the last 12-18mths with what is happening with me.
I know a lot of the regulars are always around for you, and while there will be dark times I'm sure, the memories of Lyanda are the most important thing not the stuff around you. Small steps my man, but you're always going forward and taking the kids with you. Keep going, no matter how slow.
Edit: removed formatting
If it makes you feel any better I've still got boxes, unopened, from when we moved in here. About 12 years ago...
TLDR: you're doing better than me 😀
That's huge, for all of you.
Don't be hard on yourself for how long it might have taken or how much more you think there is to "do". After all you and the kids have been through, you all have so much other stuff to prioritise and deal with. Things will happen when you are ready to make them happen, like moving back upstairs did. Doesn't matter if it's next week or next year. Just take it steady, don't rush or pressure yourself, just do it when it feels right. There is no wrong with all this.
You remain an inspirational, amazing guy, for all that you've been through, how you've coped and helped the kids, and how you've had the courage to reach out for help and support when you've needed that too. Absolute hero.
Massive, massive step.
You will feel better for this.
No rush to do other chores, only when you feel up to it. The more you do the easier it will become. But, spring is here, summer is coming and the change of seasons will help.
Looking forward to seeing you at the next quiz. x
On a side note, I’m thinking about some biking related picture/print/canvas ideas to decorate my new room, so please. feel free to suggest anything. Thanks
Theres a job for WorldClassAccident 😉
He can even make the frame for it.
something something something
TLDR: We all love you
Do you know what.... your posts on here are the ones that I pay most interest to, and to hear you're making a step in the right direction is all that matters. I'll be honest... I obviously have never met you, but somehow you've become part of this forum and also a part of everyone on here. If you feel you've achieved something however small, it's just a win win situation and it makes me feel good so well done.
Yay!
This thread makes me smile. Well done gnusmas, pleased you've taken the step and are feeling good about it.
TLDR:👍
Be kind to yourself, thats a massive step to take.
something something something
TLDR: We all love you
This. So much this.
You're doing great, buddy xx
I hope you slept well.
TL:DR I hope you slept well.
I'm now a month or so into having my own room and things have been OK. The first few nights were difficult and weird but the difficulty eased off relatively quickly and is now OK. Having to consciously make the decision to go upstairs to bed instead of just lying down whenever I wanted is a good thing. I wouldn't say I'm sleeping any better, but having my own room to retreat to is actually really nice.
There have been positive changes with the kids as well. Whereas before they would get into my bed and watch tablets whenever they wanted and not do much else, they don't have that option anymore. Now, they play and interact with each other more and spend less time on their tablets. It's really nice to see this happening which reassures me in my decision and that it was definitely the right thing to do.
TLDR: I'm glad my TLDR made a few of you chuckle
Brilliant.
Definitely the correct decision.
You've seen this works and getting in a routine of sorts will help too.
We always had a meal/s eating at a table where possible. This meant we could all talk to each other, finding out the days news and just plain sitting and doing a family type thing all together. Its a sort of bonding experience too.
But I was strict and no devices allowed (that's was hard going :o) )
Apologies if I've come across a bit bossy.
Fantastic gnusmas!