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Do you suffer from anxiety? I’m like this and think it comes from fear of the future or some disaster in my life and being left skint, so I just keep skrimping and saving. Meantime life passes by.
Me.
She has her own income she can do what she likes with...
You are married so she can do what she likes with your collective money and even blow so much in a casino you'd spend the rest of your life in paying off the debt. And if you object she can divorce and do what she wants with nearly all of it. Unless of course you have a prenuptial contract which would be the ultimate proof you're tootight. 😉
A couple I know are in the throes of divorce, after years of having the pennies minded for her the teacher half of the couple cracked and is now windsurfing, SUPing, skiing... with her mates whilst rich oil sector man is sitting in a flash house worrying about money. She'd be having even more fun with his money but for a prenuptial.
I haven't worked from the age of 42. Debate about how I spend her hard earned hasn't got beyond "OK if I buy another Telecaster" - "fine, what colour is it?". We do take it in turns on the final word big ticket items such as cars, and she spends what she wants on junior without consultation.
It's easy for someone with no money worries to stop worrying about money, not so easy for those with money worries. So don't worry, leave huge sums floating int he current account
there is a significant imbalance in income in our household. always has been and at present I earn ~90% of the household income but I don’t see it as my money and her money. everything goes into one pot and then distributed to savings, mortage, bills, kids stuff etc
Yeah, this works for me and my wife. TBH she does all the financial stuff, which I'm glad of because I'm hopeless at it. Oh, and the occasional takeaway curry isn't going to kill you.
Interesting read this. I do wonder if the OP is actually just posing a hypothetical to generate a discussion/responses.
Be happy with who you are even if it means you are tight because that's you.
If you force yourself to change too much you might be stressed, because that's not who you are by nature.
I have a colleague who has huge inheritance yet remain tight but he is happy being tight.
If you really want to spend the money give some to your children for their future. Help them out a bit but Whether they deserve it or not is another story.
Remember all the money you have cannot be used in the afterlife ...
If you force yourself to change too much you might be stressed, because that’s not who you are by nature.
Its a good point, go and watch a Simon Sinek video OP.
Keep up the good work.
Only skim read the thread, but does this stem from your childhood i.e. money was tight, had to be frugal etc?
IMHO just do whatever brings you and your family the most happiness in the long term - if money's not an option and you can cut back a few hours at work, then do so and ride every day.
Interesting read this. I do wonder if the OP is actually just posing a hypothetical to generate a discussion/responses.
... or is the "non-tight" one in the relationship looking for ammo
Support a small business or enterprise that is close to you or you believe would benefit from it. “invest” in something you can see and feel the benefit from, rather than just signing away a regular amount to needy dogs in istanbul or something
This sounds like a good idea. If you have an area of expertise in business (I am guessing you must own a small business or be pretty up in one a director or similar) maybe offer up seed money / advice to someone starting up. See a return on the money as well (hopefully).
FWIW my wife works 2 days a week as a teacher.
Does she want to?
I get that teaching can be a rewarding vocation, and I also get wanting to work from a self-worth point of view. But if my partner was earning sufficient that they had £5k/month net profit which they didn't know what to do with, I'd be leaving work with a dirty protest on the CEO's desk tomorrow in order to spend my life as a house husband.
I’m the sole earner in our house with a wife and two kids. I earn a decent living in my opinion and wouldn’t dream of controlling what Mrs F spends. As long as we’re in the black and can put a little in to savings it’s all good. Not always the case but m’eh, life is short.
If I were the OP I’d sell the house, move north, downsize and retire/get a part time bimble job. I’ll be working until they take my corpse out of the building in a wheelbarrow. You’re in an exceptionally fortunate position. Don’t make your family suffer because of your personal issues.
Ooh, if you really want to spend something I’d like a Starling or one of those Kingdom Voids
If too tight then may i suggest giving your wife a carrot and a mallet. Then bend over, add lube if you are feeling extravagant
OP, have you ever been skint?
I ask this because I once was (proper skint, not quite bankrupt but close) this might be why I hate spending money & LOVE the yellow labels in Morrisons.
I even hate spending money on bikes & related stuff, but before I was skint I didn't mind!
If I had 5K left over after the bills were paid I'd still love a bargain though!
Stop worrying about things being expensive or cheap, try looking for things that are good value. A pair of British made shoes might be almost £200 but they can still be good value. Same with food shopping, there’s plenty of better quality items that aren’t necessarily cheap but the extra expense is worth it so they’re still good value.
Good point.
I appreciate Lidl is closest, but could you be more "generous" with your spending? Lidl are not famous for treating their staff well. AIUI middle managers are paid quite well but they are hammered hard on targets and the lower orders dont do so well.
Do you have the local facilties to use? a butcher, or a local milk or egg supplier? The cost of living is rising, but food producers have been getting shafted for years. Dairy farmers being the common example. Keeping whole heards of quarter ton animals in food and medical care 24/7/365, only to be paid 20-30p a litre for their milk? its criminal.
We get our eggs delivered direct.
https://www.fowlersfreerange.co.uk/shop (for west side of Exeter)
might look into local milk now you mention it.
As per my previous suggestion really, you can afford "invest" your spare cash in local, low carbon, idealogical kind of businesses. Your sausages might cost a bit more but youll get much much better produce and wont be further lining the pockets of Mr Tesco
I have never been really poor. I have put £2 of petrol in my car because that’s all I had and was married supporting 3 kids by 21, but we both had jobs and could afford to buy a house etc. I understand a little where the op is coming from. Since those days life has improved but I still don’t like to spend. Car is a little Fabia, bike is an Orange P7. We both save into pensions and Isa’s for something, but not sure what! Kids all now have there own houses so I’m thinking about pensions for the grandkids. So I would say invest in your kids future.
Breaking the reluctance to spend is hard. My mum and dad in there 80s still save money every month for something! They have never had a credit card and the only credit they have ever taken was a mortgage. I think saving was drummed into me as a child!
24/7/365
Nnnnñggggggg 🤢🥶🥵🥺👿🤬
The part about not treating your mate saddens me.
I've a few mates who have less than me and ensure when we go out even for coffee I pay more often than I let them. Why wouldn't you? They're friends.
To answer the question start small (relative to the numbers quoted).
Take out £100 each month, give it to your wife and say "this is for family treats, make sure it gets spent unwisely by next month".
If that goes well, consider raising the amount.
From tiny acorns full price holidays may grow...
Maybe spend some on couples financial counselling?
Without reading the rest.
My MIL died last year in her mid 80's, tight as a tight thing and twice as miserable. Worth a goodly chunk - we'll spend it well for her.
My Mum on the other hand is the same age, and looks forward to every day - always on the go, always doing stuff. Has a decent income too, and spends it.
No pockets in a shroud.
I'm the opposite kind of. Earn very good money, haven't got a pot to piss in 🤣
Be happy with who you are even if it means you are tight because that’s you.
Agree. I have had to learn to be happy who I am and being high functioning autistic that took some time as I saw others seeming to have more fun, more outgoing, more social etc,.
I am not like that and never will be so I have money but I am not using it in the way those that I see others do but I am very happy with my what appears to be a very simple and dull life to others.
Money buys you opportunities and experiences - life's too short if you've got surplus funds to not use it for something nice.
Also inflation is so high just holding it is not doing yourself any favours.
I'm the exact opposite of you but then I've no kids etc.
(Also the tight people I know never seen to have done okay out of holding on to their money.)
At the moment I seem destined to eventually die with buckets of cash, and that seems pointless.
I don't really see a problem here at all. In fact it's pretty much what my wife and I are aiming for. You have absolutely no idea how much money you'll need if things go wrong with the health of you/a loved one in x years and how much it might cost. As long as you're not sacrificing your health and happiness to keep your money, then having 'spare' money means you have security. I'd like to be able to teach my kids that lesson so that they can live a good life and not be constantly worrying about making ends meet.
Most wealthy people are wealthy because they accumulate more than they spend. Many of them don't appear to be wealthy. Those that are addicted to spending often aren't either wealthy or happy. Refer to the studies about happiness levels and the lack of correlation with earnings.
...It's interesting explaining this to our kids who tell us about how so and so has this car or this bike or whatever.
Both of us grew up in comfortable families without being given endless gifts and cash, but it meant our parents funded our education and we could start adult life debt free. Consequently we've only ever had a relatively small mortgage. We keep it small because we live relatively modestly. Occasionally there's some tension - primarily when i suggest that any additional money is spent on a 'new bike' when actually I have no interest in new bikes.
how to get around the mindset of it being a “waste” not to get the absolute cheapest solution to some problem.
If that's actually what you came here to ask, then I think it's as simple as working out for each thing you are looking to purchase, what value it holds and disconnecting that concept from price.
eg - I have so many friends with bikes (and other stuff) they never use. To me that's completely pointless. I own two bikes because I aim to ride both at least once a week. They're no the cheapest, because i'm hard on my gear and know they would break too much, so I get decent quality without being excessive. I don't even think about buying a gravel bike or road bike, or even FS, because they would get used once in a blue moon so they have no value to me.
Money buys you opportunities and experiences – life’s too short if you’ve got surplus funds to not use it for something nice.
What makes you happy may not be what makes me happy. Maybe I don't need money for that so having surplus funds or not is irrelevant to me.
What makes you happy may not be what makes me happy. Maybe I don’t need money for that so having surplus funds or not is irrelevant to me.
I didn't say anything specifically to you about your happiness. I was careful not to bring 'happiness' into it.
I said money buys experiences and opportunities.
We can all have free experiences too.
And if you think the opposite is true that is hoarding money has its benefits in terms of lack of choices (again assuming basic needs are met) - fine.
Everyone loves a bargain! Even the most flush people. I bought a pair of trainers recently, reduced from £120 to £40!! Only had a size too small but £40!! I squeeze into em 😀
My wife loves a takeaway too. When she orders one, she literally gets HERSELF one - me and the kids have pasta & sauce!
I didn’t say anything specifically to you about your happiness. I was careful not to bring ‘happiness’ into it.
I said money buys experiences and opportunities.
And what are those experiences and opportunities ultimately for, what is the point of them?
Hoarding money or splashing it around does not apply to me as I do neither. I just don't need to spend a lot.
Being sensible with money is one thing but you do seem to have taken it to extremes - small treats like takeaways shouldn't be a think you even think about. You do also sound a bit controlling with your money - is your wife pretty sensible with money or would she blow it all shopping in a few days if given free reign with a shared account? If the former then have some trust and consider it both of your money. Come up with a plan together to save for specific major outlays (like kid's Uni and house deposits) and figure out what's left over. Let your wife book the next holiday without you interfering.
That said I earn a decent salary and fritter it away on pointless crap so don't have much in the way of savings and still have a mortgage so probably aren't the best to give advice...
reeksy
I don’t really see a problem here at all.
Couldn't agree more....
Most wealthy people are wealthy because they accumulate more than they spend. Many of them don’t appear to be wealthy. Those that are addicted to spending often aren’t either wealthy or happy.
You have your own definitions of "value" ... I don't see why that's a problem.
Equally, keeping a contingency is .. sensible? (I'm struggling to not be a bit more direct and say people who could but don't kinda deserve what they get, that's just harsher than I mean?)
I might have missed it but I'm not understanding the problem with the takeaway thing?
Assuming your wife is able to go get herself one and not "force you" to eat one or it goes to waste I'm missing the issue?
I personally find it difficult to derive personal pleasure from something I feel is poor value.
This just seems like:
a) you and the wife have different ideas on the value of a takeaway.
b) you have some "enjoyment" based on value
I'm assuming here you can just cook your own food and wash up afterwards of course.
I think many things you can just derive pleasure from someone you love enjoying something without having to partake yourself. I find this a lot with my son who might want to do something I feel is poor value... not too long ago (last month I think) he got some idea he wanted to try Taco Bell (TBH didn't even know they existed in the UK)
I'm happy to pay for him to enjoy (or not) but I'm not going to enjoy it (probably for reasons as well as value) so I didn't eat. (TBH I can't eat anything there for medical reasons but... even if I could I'd not chose to).
You can also try and "make the most of it". For example when I used to go on holiday with my son and his mother she'd insist on paying for a fancy villa with swimming pools and such (fancy hire car)... a complete waste of money to me but something I could make the best of.
Why spend money if you don't want/need too?
Why save money if you don't need to?
I think the problem comes when you make your life unecessary difficult and stressful in order to save money which you don't need to save. Or when "saving" money is counterproductive, e.g. running a cheap old car which starts getting very expensive or unreliable.
I have a few friends like this. Constantly complaining about how difficult and stressful life is, yet won't spend any money to make it easier. e.g. One of them didn't want to pay for delivery when he ordered some wall tiles, so went to B&Q to collect them on the bus. They weighed over 16kg. WTF. Baffles me. No idea what the solution is.
Maybe some counselling to get to the bottom of the issue, but then again, that costs money!
Having grown up in a southern European country on returning to the UK that was one of my most glaring observations: How tight us (well, you) British people are!
My Italian mrs was horrified when she went for dinner at her mate's house, who then asked her for something stupid like 60p for the cost of the meal 😀
Why spend money if you don’t want/need too?
What else are you going to do with it?
This causes some friction to start with – we’ve tried pooling our money, and talked about giving her an “allowance”, but both make her feel awkward about leeching (for want of a better term).
As a married (or cohabiting) couple this is a really weird attitude to money. Do you not just pool and share? If you’re in it together for the long haul I just don’t see how you (both) can have that attitude and be in a healthy relationship.
My wife earns a decent salary, but I’m lucky enough to earn considerably more. On payday both our wages go into a joint account, we then pay ourselves an allowance each into our own personal accounts. That allowance is equal and to be spent exactly how we want (ie on ourselves, hobbies etc.) the balance (which is about 85% of what is left) is used to bay the bills and savings, holidays, kids, and joint stuff like family presents, Christmas etc. We’ve never once had an argument about money in 14 years.
My Italian mrs was horrified when she went for dinner at her mate’s house, who then asked her for something stupid like 60p for the cost of the meal 😀
Oh come on, that's not exactly typical British behaviour.
Sounds good value though.
😀
Why spend money if you don’t want/need too?
if it only affects you, 100% agree.
if you read the original post it doesn't, it affects his whole family.
OP, I’d suggest you go and make this post on the Pistonheads finance forum. You’ll receive a much better response there, from a range of people who’ll go from this crowd, to a set who make your income and position look like poverty.
You won’t get the answer here, as being successful and financially comfortable is seen as bad in Singletrackworld.
You won’t get the answer here, as being successful and financially comfortable is seen as bad in Singletrackworld.
Strange how people can perceive a forum in such wildly different ways! That's not my understanding of STW or this thread at all.
STW isn't homogenous, obviously. Certain posts relating to wealth will cause all the comfortable middle class lot to comment, certain will prompt the struggling people to post. They are different people...
OP, have you ever been skint?
a couple of questions like this, basically no. I wasn't well off as a student, a few months were using coppers to pay for a loaf of bread at the end, but everyone was like that, and I didn't find it particularly stressful - I never did, but probably always could have blagged emergency cash from my parents if needed.
To clear up how my wife and I split cash.. We have a joint account that all my money goes into. She has her own account that her cash goes into. She can spend on whatever she likes from the joint account that's reasonably a joint cost, and sometimes buys herself a "big item" from that pot too (like a weekend away), and then her own account is for spending on her. This helps her feel like she's got money of her own, whereas when we tried to give ourselfs an allowance each, she felt like she was freeloading from me. I guess that also answers "does she want to keep working" - she doesn't love her job, but enjoys the financial indipendance it gives her.
So she can buy herself or us a takeway whenever she wants, but she doesn't do it much because she knows I don't enjoy it (because of the waste of money thing). She normally buys one as a treat for herself if I'm away with work or on a boys trip
I probably spend a bit more than her on stuff for "me" each month, but it'll be within the same ballpark.
I’ve a few mates who have less than me and ensure when we go out even for coffee I pay more often than I let them. Why wouldn’t you? They’re friends.
Oh I'd happily buy them a pint, but not dinner. The idea of buying a mate dinner seems odd. Not cos of the money thing.. just a bit strange. Can't put my finger on it.
I appreciate Lidl is closest, but could you be more “generous” with your spending? Lidl are not famous for treating their staff well. AIUI middle managers are paid quite well but they are hammered hard on targets and the lower orders dont do so well.
lidl isn't closest. I cycle a mile and a half past waitrose to get to lidl, and the same home again. ergh. We do buy some stuff locally (there's a local egg farm) but using a butchers to buy a bit of meat that maybe costs 2-3x as much? I hate the idea! I understand where their costs come from, but if I can't tell the difference at dinner time (I like food, and cook about 30% of the time, but I'm not a conessour (sp)) - it feels super wasteful
You won’t get the answer here, as being successful and financially comfortable is seen as bad in Singletrackworld.
I've actually been surprised at how reasonable the responses have been. I thought there'd be far more attacks.
troll
insensitive
hypothetical
I've been completely honest on this thread. There may be a cost of living crisis, but that'll last for a couple of years, and then there'll be some other thing going on. Maybe bad timing but I'm not going to wait forever
Its interesting to see there are a bunch of responders who see themselves as similar to me and it not being a problem. I guess for me a balance is needed.
I appreciate the very direct/actionable suggestions as well. Maybe I'll try and set aside some money (proceeds of the next payrise or something) into a *must be spent treat fund* and use that to spend a little more on flights/takeaways/whatever. I just need some way of forcing myself not to add it to the pot for next months treat
I've been following this; and I see *some* of myself in @tootight - It took me a long time to learn to be "ok" with spending money having grown up in a family with little (and coming close to financial ruin in my early 20's after the dot com crash). I still struggle a bit - I'm ok to spend money on the rest of the family; but when it comes to spending on myself I just find it really hard .. clothes are worn until they are threadbare/worn out; bikes are kept running for as long as possible and only replaced as a last resort (my last roadbike was 24 years old when I finally gave in; and I *still* replaced it with 2nd hand bits and special offer deals despite being in a position to spend whatever I wanted on it's replacement)
Everyone's weird in their own way; I'd agree with the others and lighten up on what you spend on the family / what they spend. Start small; make it takeway night once a week; if you object to "just get takeaway" make it special; plan to watch a film and share a bottle of wine or something. If that's not enough; go and do something outdoors that means that you are getting back home late enough that "oh it's a bit late to be cooking; shall we grab a pizza on the way home" is something you can persuade yourself is ok !
You go away with "the boys" but think treating your wife to a takeaway is a waste of money? Wow!
You won’t get the answer here, as being successful and financially comfortable is seen as bad in Singletrackworld.
Ben, I don't think that the whole forum feels like that. Whenever there is a thread involving money, there are a couple of people who seem to think that having a comfortable amount is some kind of moral failing (a sort of reverse Tory viewpoint) but this is after all a forum dedicated to an expensive and to many people pointless activity. You and I both worked in the same industry (and company, I think) so what is normal to us is seen as a lot of money to many on here, but it's only a small minority who have a problem with that. And it's the people who buy this year's XTR who make next year's Deore so good, so we should all be happy, right? 😉
You won’t get the answer here, as being successful and financially comfortable is seen as bad in Singletrackworld.
Far from it I'd say.
Just look at the watch thread - some serious wastes of money in there and the thread hasn't dissolved into a vat of hate. Plenty of financial investment threads too with good advice.
when we tried to give ourselfs an allowance each, she felt like she was freeloading from me
My wife felt this way when we got married. I told here that there was no balance sheet in our marriage. We were a partnership, later a family, and I work for the family not myself. I'd consider it a major issue if my wife felt otherwise.
I’ve been completely honest on this thread.
Except for the reason for joining a bike forum where you are ignoring the fact it is a bike forum and embarking on off topic threads.
While this is allowed, it is customary to join a forum where you share an interest, not just to discuss a financial matter.
Your post pretty much says this. Im super well off and cash rich, are you ???
Which makes me think, no you arent. Just some crazed Walter Mitty type character, living in fantasy land.
Look at me, look at me.
While this is allowed, it is customary to join a forum where you share an interest, not just to discuss a financial matter.
Is he not an established member posting under a new profile, presumably to avoid the inevitable flaming? How fire resistant is a hair shirt anyway?
Is he not an established member posting under a new profile, presumably to avoid the inevitable flaming? How fire resistant is a hair shirt anyway?
If that is the case what is the point then ?.
To rub people on a tight incomes face in the fact they arent so well off ?.
too tight
Its interesting to see there are a bunch of responders who see themselves as similar to me and it not being a problem. I guess for me a balance is needed.
I used to be .. what changed was the salary though 😉
Doomaniac
You go away with “the boys” but think treating your wife to a takeaway is a waste of money? Wow!
But he's not "treating" .. she can get a takeaway whenever she wants... it's simply for him personally the takeaway is bad value and he isn't going to enjoy it because of that.
I view say a day's uplift as "value" for example but my son's mother wouldn't...
So she can buy herself or us a takeway whenever she wants, but she doesn’t do it much because she knows I don’t enjoy it (because of the waste of money thing).
It just sounds to me like you have different value criteria?
I wouldn't drag someone that doesn't like DH MTB to Dyfi (or whatever your boys weekends are) for a weekend and a bit presumptuous but presuming your wife would rather go away elsewhere and think its a bit daft but you enjoy it so crack on...... it seems obvious, BUT it doesn't seem that different that you aren't going to enjoy a takeaway you consider to be poor value?
Perhaps the easiest solution rather than trying to change yourself to fit someone else's values and just using the takeaway as an example is to let others (your wife in this example) know it's OK that they enjoy it and you don't?
Look at it another way, what if your wife liked collecting stamps or porcelain animals or whatever? You aren't personally going to be excited she buys a porcelain pig NOR would you ever spend money buying one yourself but it doesn't mean you resent her buying it and indeed the value is simply it made her happy, not anything intrinsic about the pig. I guess there are porcelain pigs for £500 and plastic pigs for £5 .. to you they are both a waste of money but to her not. The only $value$ is that she's happy with the porcelain one.
The whole thread could have been started differently and from the OPs original account. There was no need to mention values or how much ££££ he has stashed away. Just a simple "I'm a tight-arse, help me change".
The £££ values don't matter.
stevextc - But he’s not “treating” .. she can get a takeaway whenever she wants… it’s simply for him personally the takeaway is bad value and he isn’t going to enjoy it because of that.
tootight - So she can buy herself or us a takeway whenever she wants, but she doesn’t do it much because she knows I don’t enjoy it (because of the waste of money thing). She normally buys one as a treat for herself if I’m away with work or on a boys trip
The fact that his wife won't do it, as tootight says, suggests that his behaviour is not normal in this respect. For most people getting a takeaway for some of the family but not all is normal behaviour but tootight's values are restricting how his whole family behaves.
It might also be worth asking if other items are treated the same way? Is a spontaneous ice-cream on the way back from the beach seen as poor value and avoided, for example? (This example may not work if you don't spend half your life on the beach! 😀 ) Does the take-away represent many other items that his wife won't ask for because of tootight's behaviour?
@stevextc he's got a monthly surplus that many on this forum would kill for and he's so begrudging of takeaways that his wife won't even buy them frequently with her own money...
So she can buy herself or us a takeway whenever she wants, but she doesn’t do it much because she knows I don’t enjoy it (because of the waste of money thing).
That is phenomenally selfish and unthinking.
he’s got a monthly surplus that many on this forum would kill for
If that was an overall monthly pay then many would kill for it, but
The £££ values don’t matter.
That is phenomenally selfish and unthinking.
How? He can't make himself enjoy wasting money on takeaways...or enjoy the takeaway.
Swap this round for a minute and say instead he detests (no medical reason) spicy food but his wife likes it so whenever his wife or whoever orders a spicy takeaway he doesn't want to eat the spicy food.
He can be happy she enjoys it but lying and pretending he enjoys the actual food (on a regular basis) seems a bit extreme.
It's no different than a vegan eating meat and saying how they enjoy it to keep someone happy.
You can tell a vegan meat is YUMMY... but you can't reasonably expect them to enjoy eating something they find distasteful in principle.
Interesting thread.
I've got family members & mates that are financially secure but very very careful with their money, to a point where they generally miss out on life's experiences. No restaurants, no takeaways, no days out unless it is free parking or they can walk to the destination, weekends away are planned around cost rather than experiences etc. and when it's time for a social event like a bbq or meal together they always bring/order the absolute minimum and thriftiest produce they can find. They put a 'cost to value' ratio on everything that they do or want to such a degree it has now become the default setting not to do something, as the cost will never represent 'value' in their eyes.
What I have noticed with their value driven lifestyle is that others around them have to adjust and limit their (our) expectations and experiences when we meet up and this can become a bit tiresome after a while. Their partners and children also have to limit what they can or can't do so they don't upset their thrifty family members and this can sometimes cause resentment. Being thrifty is a personal choice but one has to be very careful not to impose our own values on those around us.
I often wonder if my thrifty associates will ever regret being so thrifty when they're too old or ill to actually do anything.... Will they be able to joyfully reflect upon their wonderfully experienced life? Or will they just simply enjoy the fact that they have amassed a considerable amount of money in their portfolio or bank account and gaze at that wealth until they quietly slip away.....
BTW, I'm a spender and not a saver.
He can’t make himself enjoy wasting money on takeaways…or enjoy the takeaway.
He doesn't need to eat it.
he detests (no medical reason) spicy food but his wife likes it so whenever his wife or whoever orders a spicy takeaway he doesn’t want to eat the spicy food.
He doesn't need to eat it.
He can be happy she enjoys it but lying and pretending he enjoys the actual food (on a regular basis) seems a bit extreme.
He doesn't need to eat it.
You can tell a vegan meat is YUMMY… but you can’t reasonably expect them to enjoy eating something they find distasteful in principle.
He doesn't need to eat it.
He does, probably, need to stop preventing others from enjoying what they might like to eat.
How? He can’t make himself enjoy wasting money on takeaways…or enjoy the takeaway.
Because having a takeaway as a treat with your lovely wife can be so much more than just eating food. It can actually be social event where not having to prepare food or have lots of clearing up means you can spend quality time together, maybe enjoy a decent bottle of wine afterwards and make an entire evening of it.
idlejon
The fact that his wife won’t do it, as tootight says, suggests that his behaviour is not normal in this respect. For most people getting a takeaway for some of the family but not all is normal behaviour but tootight’s values are restricting how his whole family behaves.
I'd say there is a perhaps a problem in society if most people think getting a takeaway more than a handful of times a year is normal behaviour. (or people buying £5 coffee's etc.)
It might also be worth asking if other items are treated the same way? Is a spontaneous ice-cream on the way back from the beach seen as poor value and avoided, for example? (This example may not work if you don’t spend half your life on the beach! 😀 )
Surely that depends what you mean by spontaneous ?
Is walking an extra 50 yards past the over priced cafe to a tesco or co-op less spontaneous?
Does the take-away represent many other items that his wife won’t ask for because of tootight’s behaviour?
It's not his behaviour per-se it's what he values and doesn't value and what makes him uncomfortable.
Lets say Mrs tooright likes flowery flamingo bikini's but Mr tootight likes plain board shorts and feels pretty selfconscious in speedo's.
There is surely enough play that Mr tootight shouldn't be expected to wear matching flamingo speedo's yet she is free to buy and wear her flowery flamingo ?
Lets say Mrs tooright likes flowery flamingo bikini’s but Mr tootight likes plain board shorts and feels pretty selfconscious in speedo’s.
There is surely enough play that Mr tootight shouldn’t be expected to wear matching flamingo speedo’s yet she is free to buy and wear her flowery flamingo ?
The point being made is that Mr T disapproves of Mrs T buying the bikini and so she doesn't buy it, at least not when he's around. His behaviour is controlling what she does. Nothing at all to do with her expecting him to do something, or wear something, or eat something. You've got it arse backwards. (Which isn't the way bikinis should be worn. They chafe!)
Mrs Tootight to Mr Tootight a moment ago...
What do the internet folks on singleblokeworld have to say about the takeaway thingy?
Mr Tootight...
Jury's out, but they're now arguing about you in a bikini
He doesn’t need to eat it.
He doesn’t need to eat it.
I think you completely missed the point... I think it's the waste that he finds so distasteful.
I'd imagine that extends to throwing away food not just overpaying for it in the first place.
I personally find throwing perfectly edible away food is something that makes me feel pretty much physically ill, far more than wasting money to start with.
I used to live with someone who'd always cook nigh on double the required amount and in addition to throwing away perfectly edible food whilst making the food would then think nothing of scraping away edible left overs into a bin. Seeing food wasted makes me feel pretty upset in my stomach.
I think you completely missed the point… I think it’s the waste that he finds so distasteful.
Really? It's you that started inventing something about not liking spicy food, and - very randomly - bikinis and now wastage. He hasn't said a thing about wastage, only about VFM.
Somewhere on another Forum " My partner is very tight with money but refuses to talk to me about it,could he be hiding an expensive affair or a gambling addiction?" Thanks for reading--Takeaway girl.
😀
Idlejon
The point being made is that Mr T disapproves of Mrs T buying the bikini and so she doesn’t buy it, at least not when he’s around.
But I'm not seeing that... he doesn't disapprove of Mrs T buying a (flowery) bikini for herself he disapproves of her buying matching speedo's.
His behaviour is controlling what she does.
Perhaps ... but that's not necessarily one sided.
Keeping with the bikini analogy... Mr T should make it clear he's perfectly happy if Mrs T buy's and wears a (flowery) bikini and that her buying something that makes her happy makes him happy.
The problem may then be that Mrs T wants Mr T to be comfortable wearing the speedo's (not his 10yr old board shorts with holes) in order to feel happy buying the bikini.
As I was saying earlier it's just different values at least on the face of it.
There is lots of scope for compromise but that needs to come from both sides...
Back to your ice creams perhaps. If Mrs T wants to buy a posh icecream from the ice cream parlour but Mr T wants to buy the co-op one then they should both buy what the feel comfortable buying and eating. (So long as they can afford it and I think that's a given)
You can extend this lots of things... Mrs T might like buying fashionable expensive clothes and Mr T is more comfortable wearing his worn old ones - I don't see why one should affect the other.
Really? It’s you that started inventing something about not liking spicy food, and – very randomly – bikinis and now wastage. He hasn’t said a thing about wastage, only about VFM.
He did in his 2nd post.... but perhaps that what you aren't seeing?
Not getting VfM is wastage....at least for me and I suspect Mr T
I can *sort of* understand the OPs thinking, I love finding bargains, I hate waste and I will do all I can to use left-overs (down to thinking about what meal I can do with, say, 100ml of double cream left over from a dessert to avoid throwing it away).
However, like most of us, I don't have £5,000 a month left over after bills every month.
OP (as he accepts TBF) needs to give his head a shake.
My curiosity is growing, do you have a prenuptial agreement, Mr Tootight? There's a hint of insecurity in Mrs Tootight's reported views and behaviour. Feeling the need to work and have her own account despite a joint one slopping with cash, a degree of finanial independance despite a marriage certificate... .
As ever, wiki can help us out...
One attempt to account for miserly behaviour was Sigmund Freud's theory of anal retentiveness, attributing the development of miserly behaviour to toilet training in childhood
Mrs Tootight to Mr Tootight a moment ago…
What do the internet folks on singleblokeworld have to say about the takeaway thingy?
Mr Tootight…
Jury’s out, but they’re now arguing about you in a bikini
*snorts tea*
It does seem amazing how upset people seem to be about the OP not wanting his wife's takeaway (or something?).
Never see any handwringing here when someone says they've got away with replacing their bike without the missus noticing 🙄
tbh tootight, I don't really think you've explained very well why you think being tight is an issue. Like - if you don't enjoy takeaways then I think that's ok?
It's interesting to me that your OH said she doesn't want to freeload and maybe that is what is ringing slight alarm bells for you? She shouldn't feel that - as other people have said it is really important that your OH has financial control and independence and doesn't feel like she needs to get approval for any expenses.
Perhaps you need to have a proper discussion with her about how her contribution to the family means she should have an equal say in how the money is used, regardless of where it comes from (and that's basically set in law, if you extrapolate out from how divorces tend to work). That conversation should result in some compromises that might mean your family has a slightly more comfortable and fun time, and you still feel like you have some control over your outgoings.
After that, if you still need lessons in enjoying wifi speakers, carbon bling, Apple products and posh food then DM me. We'll whittle down that £5k no probs.
I often wonder if my thrifty associates will ever regret being so thrifty when they’re too old or ill to actually do anything…. Will they be able to joyfully reflect upon their wonderfully experienced life?
I suspect they'll be perfectly happy with the choices they made as those choses come from deeply held values which are unlikely to suddenly change. They'll probably be more concerned that the funeral arrangements are good value.
I think you completely missed the point… I think it’s the waste that he finds so distasteful.
I’d imagine that extends to throwing away food not just overpaying for it in the first place.I personally find throwing perfectly edible away food is something that makes me feel pretty much physically ill, far more than wasting money to start with.
same here, i can’t stand waste or buying tat that’s thrown away.
i still have anxiety about the bag of shopping i left on the bus as a child, i can see the bright orange bag of own brand wotsits sat on the top and the multi pack of those pink and white coconut biscuits.
i do think the OP should reframe his thinking on spending and simply spend better not more, i will buy stuff in Lidl (like the bags of unsalted cashews or the passata) but i’ll also go to waitrose and buy the loin of iberico ham to cook with some nice pasta covered in a bit of Parmesan and some very good (expensive) olive oil.
not something i eat every day but we both enjoy nice food and see that as having value rather than simply being expensive, there is a difference.
You won’t get the answer here, as being successful and financially comfortable is seen as bad in Singletrackworld.
This is what is wrong with most folk and the world at large in my opinion. Equating success with wealth.
Has the OP spent any of his £5k surplus yet?
I read the takeaway point as “She doesn’t buy herself takeaways if I’m around because she knows I get grumpy about her wasting money - even though it’s her money.”
You say that you cook 30% of the time; do you clean up 70% of the time, or does she do most of the kitchen work and might enjoy a break from it?
They’ll probably be more concerned that the funeral arrangements are good value.
Turn the bloody gas down - haven't you seen the cost of energy these days!
Has the OP spent any of his £5k surplus yet?
I'm not sure that would make the OP feel any better, nor make the world a better place (too much consumerism already).
So she can buy herself or us a takeway whenever she wants, but she doesn’t do it much because she knows I don’t enjoy it (because of the waste of money thing). She normally buys one as a treat for herself if I’m away with work or on a boys trip
This is the crux of the issue. It's not a waste of money if it makes her happy. It's the very opposite of that. What dollar value do you place on happiness?
I would posit that she doesn't do it much not because it's a waste as you assert but rather because your disapproval has made her feel massively guilty about it. What does your "boys trip" (whatever that even is) cost whilst she's agonising over a six quid curry? The fact that she "treats herself" as soon as you're out of the equation doesn't just speak volumes, it's deafening.
The idea of buying a mate dinner seems odd. Not cos of the money thing.. just a bit strange. Can’t put my finger on it.
It's because you're a miserable tightarse. HTH.
If your friends would view it as charity then that's a different matter. There's almost a diametric opposite here potentially, "look at Mr Moneybags throwing his cash around." But good god man, you've got five grand A MONTH in disposable income, don't you ever buy anyone presents?
You won’t get the answer here, as being successful and financially comfortable is seen as bad in Singletrackworld.
Don't talk shite.