[Closed] How to deal with seeing someone you can't move on from with another bloke?

I believe it can take anything up to 7 years to fully get over it. I've been split up for 8 years and still resent seeing my ex with someone...and I was the one that left! It's a bloke thing I think.

I don't resent her as the split was my fault but I miss her...still...

shag her sister/mum

Get on Match and bang some single mums.

Get on Match and bang some single mums.

🙄 What a charmer eh?

I have no idea if it's making things worse, I'm sure loads of blokes go through what you are, Asperger's or not

I'm not sure there's an easy answer; it's generally good for kids to have a happy mum AND dad, whether or not they live together. Seems your ex has felt the time's right and of course it hurts your pride.

Best thing for your girls would be for you to focus on being their dad and, if you can, being a happy dad (not just pretending; kids aren't daft)

Maybe this'll help you to move on - see it as that and try to get some sleep/food/joy into [u][b]your[/b][/u] life.

Got many mates about the place? Lean on them for a bit - let them help you out. I bet you'd do it for them

Honestly?

suck it up buttercup.

DO:
Get on with your life, have a great relationship with your kids, find things to do with new folk who don't know your background, join clubs, get out, fill your diary

DON'T
mull over any past errors (yours or hers), resent your ex for being a normal human being, be bitter, stay indoors and mope.

Don't drink.

Change your life - a lot.

Live selfishly for a while (obv. not in respect to your kids) and do what's best for you. E.g. get properly fit, spend lots of time in the great, if wet & cold outdoors, and build yourself an appreciation of yourself and the world around you.

Less than a year on after a 7 year relationship isn't all [i]that[/i] long in comparison; keep your chin up and look to the future.

Rob, absolutely distraught a decade ago which pushed BPD & depression with big bouts of bulimia on me; now fit as ****, pretty good at handstands, loves riding bikes of all kinds anywhere and has a very silly beard

As above but maybe slightly more subtly. Have a blow out, enjoy some different flesh and get her out of your system or at the very least dilute whats in your system.

Failing that go ride your bike.

I'm afraid that even having been in the same position theres not much better I can offer than 'time is the greatest healer'

Its obviously even tougher if you're aspie - you might want to try and write down the bad things too, a proper 'these were the good things' and 'these were the bad things' list about the relationship, it might help you process it in a more rational way (then throw away the good things list and keep the bad things one taped to the wall?)

as for your kids, the advice I always give is that all you can do for now is be there for them when they need you (my daughter came to live with me nearly ten years after me and my ex split up for example) and that in the long run they need to (and will) make up their own mind about both you and your ex when they are old enough to, so theres no point in trying to brainwash them in the meantime.

for me a really critical point was when her problems and unhappiness continued after we split up, but I was being mr whiter than white reasonable, suddenly the people round her like her mum who had heard it was all my fault started seeing things a bit differently and eventually said so - if I hadn't been mr perfect then I would have still been getting the blame. (them finally seeing that meant a lot to me)

the only final bit of advice would be to go and get on the horse again, even if its meaningless and casual it will do your self confidence a world of good.

You need to spend time with as many women of dubious moral fortitude as you possibly can.
Get on POFand tinder. Don't go for any you'd rate higher than a 6 (they'll have loads of choice and can afford to be picky).
Or join the foreign legion.whichever.

^^^ (Rob Hilton) Good advice. Live your life by living it, really living it, too wasteful throwing away minutes, hours, days (all become years) etc by chewing over the past. Relationships can make us soft and unfocused. Ill-matched ones moreso. Freedom is a gift too.

Try and avoid situations where you'll see her in general, and her with him in particular. Difficult with children I know, but out of sight is out of mind. It'll feel counter intuitive as you want to see her, but you need to move on. She has, and you must. The sooner this occurs, the better for all involved.

Concur with above - have some bedroom sport with women of ill repute for a few months...

Time heals for sure. My first serious long term relationship ended with her running off for someone else. I was devastated and seeing her about with the guy was torture. However, 6 years later I was single and she came and found me when I was living abroad, wanted me back. One night together and I knew I'd moved on, and left it there. Rewind a few years and I would have given anything for her to walk back into my life.
Kids is really hard, I would find it tough. The Blues mate.

JCL - Member
Get on Match and bang some single mums.

That's crap advice..... Tinder's where it's at these days for easy sex

Remember that life is very short.

Focus on the positives, your kids and, above all else, be happy. Remember, you should not stress about the things that are out of your control: she has found someone else and you now need to think of YOURSELF.

And always talk to someone. Four of my friends didn't make 30. Three of them took their own life because of something which depressed them. I often times think that those things would be distant memories now and we'd be happy and riding bikes.

All the best.

You need to get back on the horse.

Mate of mine's wife left him with no warning earlier in the year and the divorce has already come through. He really suffered for a good while but has recently been on a few dates, reconnected with old friends and generally put himself back out there and is much happier + like his old self as a result.

That's crap advice..... Tinder's where it's at these days for easy sex

Grindr, if he [i]really[/i] wants to make a fresh start.

well this is true, Grindr would certainly be enlightening. Really should take this into account though: http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/number-of-housewives-needing-sex-with-any-male-internet-user-reaching-crisis-point-2014120293427

Be there for the kids. Don't slag the wife off in front of them.

If you want to ruin your self-esteem, sign up to Tinder - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-wygant/the-shocking-truth-about-_3_b_4967472.html

Grindr, if he really wants to make a fresh start.

Someone showed me this, when I went out for a night in Vauxhall.

From what he was telling me about it, it sounds a bit like ordering pizza. Except the pizza is free.

From what he was telling me about it, it sounds a bit like ordering pizza. Except the pizza is free.

....and every topping is hot sausage.

it sounds a bit like ordering pizza

It was a bit more like ordering HotDogs when I was on it.

[img] [/img]

I believe it can take anything up to 7 years to fully get over it.

I believe it can be a lot longer.

Sorry, that might not be be terribly helpful. Like they all said, go and have some empty, meaningless sex. It won't make you feel any better, mind.

Well played Jamie, well played 😀

I honestly think, sausages aside, starting new meaningful relationships/interests are more important.

Banging some random is the same as getting drunk. You'll still feel like shite the next day.

Well played Jamie, well played

No worries, Birthday Buddy 😀

You'll still feel like shite the next day.

And smell like it. If you use Grindr.

I honestly think, sausages aside, starting new meaningful relationships/interests are more important.

Banging some random is the same as getting drunk. You'll still feel like shite the next day.

As for how to get over it you need to move on how you do this i your choice but the option range has already been listed.

Welcome back DD I almost e-mailed you it had been that long.

I think finding friends with benefits is a better idea. Never lasts, but at least you don't feel an empty void afterwards.

Must resist making Grindr joke........

Like they all said, go and have some empty, meaningless sex.

What you mean it's supposed to be anything else?

Must resist making Grindr joke........

Just to get all these out my system...

[img] http://38.media.tumblr.com/7caa34f39f5cf5844b127be245672da1/tumblr_ncefmzmAC31s4eknho1_500.gif [/img][img] http://img.pandawhale.com/67796-hot-dogs-hitting-guy-gif-thats-TXij.gif [/img][img] https://38.media.tumblr.com/29d57a22d40041abf7c9a73a84d70f00/tumblr_mo5oc4p7qm1r6pxn4o1_500.gi f" target="_blank">http://38.media.tumblr.com/7caa34f39f5cf5844b127be245672da1/tumblr_ncefmzmAC31s4eknho1_500.gif [/img][img] http://img.pandawhale.com/67796-hot-dogs-hitting-guy-gif-thats-TXij.gif [/img][img] https://38.media.tumblr.com/29d57a22d40041abf7c9a73a84d70f00/tumblr_mo5oc4p7qm1r6pxn4o1_500.gi f"/> [/img]

Remember why you split up in the first place and address those issues first.

I honestly think, sausages aside, starting new meaningful relationships/interests are more important

Honest to God, stw magics up some of the most exceptional one liners from time to time.

I recently read a biography of Ulysses S Grant, the US Civil War General and later US President.

He was a flawed personality in several ways (less so than me) and he had this very interesting phobia which I think we could all learn from...............

HE WOULD NOT GO BACK.

No matter the river he was crossing on a horse was in spate and he might drown, he would not go back.

No matter he had been beaten to a standstill by his military opponent, he would not go back.

And, with a bit of reason involved on your part, i.e. don't drown in the bloody river, it is a very good way to lead your life.

That bit of your life has finished, don't go back, go foreword, even if foreword is just the next bike ride. And if that isn't enough, make the next ride a longer one.

I've been there. My thoughts are with you. Good luck.

Best wishes, Bill.

Bang uni students..... lots of students......you lucky sob

go foreword, even if foreword is just the next bike ride.

Bradley, as a fellow Aspie I can imagine things are pretty tough right now. (Harder than most neurotypicals might appreciate). Is there anyone impartial you can talk to? Spending some time talking to someone that understands Aspergers might be helpful.

So just sleep about and avoid Grindr like the plague (I already knew this but bravo STW, as per).

I thought I was doing OK with moving on I had managed to convince myself that it's out of my hands and what will be will be. I'm not so sure why finding out she has been with someone else has taken such effect...It sucks though.

^^^ It's the human ego. All manner of sticking plasters (including meaningless sex) won't alter it one bit in the long run. Might make it worse.

I heartily recommend reading 'The Power Of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. Also examine other areas of yr life that may have been long neglected because of yr focus on the relationship.

It's hard OP because it's another dose of rejection and reinforcement of the current situation where your ex-partner doesn't want to be with you.

It's a really difficult thing to get through but I am sure you will. In time you honestly won't give a damn unless it affects the quality of life for your children. You suggest the end of the relationship was your fault - it may have been or it may just have been a handy excuse. At this point in time though it's not worth focussing on, as thinking about it may make you feel worse.

The only thing you can do is to keep positive for your children, enjoy the time you spend with them and make the most of your free time by trying to meet new people, trying a new sport/hobby and maybe getting yourself on the bike more. The thing not to worry about is being alone. You will meet someone new and in all honesty a future relationship will benefit from the experience you are going through now and will be better.

J

Try really hard to focus on the present.. Live in the moment and concentrate fully on the task at hand..
Focus on what you are doing, whether you are washing dishes, at work, returning a library book, playing with your children or learning a language, be slow and methodical and accomplish each task to the best of your ability..

Be thankful for what you have, be happy for others and try to fall in love with the world and all it has to offer..
Take pride in making the world a better place with every interaction.. Enjoy life

Read the desiderata

Wise words Yunki
LIKES

^

Last couple of replies have made me smile, thanks. Time for some Christmas shopping with the 'rents now the puppies have sold (£2100 cash thank you very much!).

Although I don't think we could even spend that today in Oxford...sardines in a tin springs to mind.

That was written from the heart Bradley.. The mother of my two children, and partner of six years left me last Xmas.

She moved on within about a week! 🙂

I couldn't be happier now

I found it helpful to keep on reminding myself that it was my goal and soley my responsibility to get over it.
Keep nudging your thoughts on from the past whenever you catch them wandering.
Be thankful for all the good things you have.
But also let yourself have the occasional sad burst, it's human and helps the process.
Strangely common yet under supported process. It feels like it's nearly killing you. There should be break-up support groups.

I am sorry things went wrong for you. Feeling very bad is not just a guy thing. Situations like this can feel utterly soul destroying. Things do get better the longer time goes on - because eventually you fall out of love with the lost person, but it can be a long hard wait.

I would suggest to anyone that changing your life and environment where possible is a good thing. I found too many familiar things just triggered off memories that made me very sad. Look at where you live, what you do, hobbies and socialising patterns. Change what you can, add in new stuff, stop doing the old stuff. Become a new version of you.

I think I was dogged by so much of my own past for longer than I should have been simply because I was not able to change my environment and life soon enough after things went wrong.

I found other people (family, friends) to be ultra conservative over even small life changes and very discouraging of change or self renewal, but in reflection I think people fear change and to protect themselves will seek to stop others from doing new, different or daring things. So, make changes, things get better eventually even if it seems a hell of a long wait.

For what its worth, I am now glad it did not work out with the love of my life. I adored him for years, but now I can see how selfish he was.

I was in a very similar situation about 4 yrs ago, and it was very tough at first i know it's a cliche but times a good healer, I did what the others suggested went on some dates went out with my mates just generally did what I wanted to do. But we have a young child and I never talked badly about my ex in front of her made sure I spent as much time as I could with the child,and guess what karma came round and bit her on the arse the guy she went off with and moved in with got a mortgage with was playing around with someone else! 4 yrs later she's still living at her mums!

I feel your pain mate,separated from the love of my life in late 2013 and still nowhere near over it yet.My only advice is to try not to torture yourself anymore if possible,its completely normal to think about it constantly but try not to end every though with 'what if?'.Its the past for a reason,accept that it's probably never coming back,enjoy being a Dad to the children and just ride out the time until you begin to feel more over it,because that feeling will come mate.If its any consolation we all go through this stuff at some point,its just your turn to deal with it now unfortunately ! You'll get through it though,we all do eventually.
Maybe immerse yourself in a project,work on sorting things that you don't like about yourself instead of wallowing in these feelings too.