[Closed] How the **** do you tell a 3 yo their favorite person is dying

Macmillan and other support services are the people to ask. It's sadly part of what they do.

And I'm really sorry to hear your terrible news. Make sure you look after everyone, including yourself. Again, people like Macmillan are there to help the whole family.

+1 to MCTD / Macmillan. It's what they do, all day, every day.

Cancer's a ****. So sorry for your news.

Cancer's a *. So sorry for your news.

You can say that again. My mums primary is as a sneaky a shit as they come. Apparently on the 'silent' but if the panceas. No primary symptons show and its generally not until the secondaries start making their presence known and you're already *ed do you get to find out.

Evil **** of a disease...

You tell him straight - she has a illness and she will have a long sleep and not see him again - he will take it much better than you will as he doesnt really comprehend the finality of someone dying.

Thoughts are with you

Also, I don't really think it matters what your thoughts on religion are, the concept of an afterlife will soften the blow and won't have any long term consequences on a child of that age

We had the same thing with my boys' grandad last year.. They barely remember him now and were totally accepting of it at the time

Yunki makes a good point.
Very sorry to hear about your mother, lost my dad this time last year to the C word.

Mine were slightly older when we had to do this. There are children's books on explaining death.

A good thing my (ex)wife did at the time was buy a "Me to You" book. There's various ones around. It's for Grandma to write her memories and hopes for her grandchildren. Mine love reading it back.

andyfla - Member
You tell him straight - she has a illness and she will have a long sleep and not see him again - he will take it much better than you will as he doesnt really comprehend the finality of someone dying.
Thoughts are with you

Not this ever ! Probably the worst bit advice on singletrack! Your child will be terrified of going to sleep himself...

Only you know your son and can judge what he will understand there are methods he will understand - honesty but in simple terms.

More importantly OP get help for yourself you are also important- she's also your world too. Don't be afraid to show your emotions to your son.

Feel for you I've been that young child with my mum.

The book sounds like a lovely idea.

I don't have a child, but I feel I would like to be very honest with mine if I did.

Why can you not tell him the simple version of the truth, but not confusing matters with talk of "sleep"?

That we all have a lifetime, and its not possible to choose it's length? Of course she doesn't want to leave you all behind.

I confess I don't know much about the subject, but I am curious.

+1

Don't link it to sleep.

Awful news about your mum, thoughts to you and your family.

Winston's Wish are a charity who specialise in support for bereaved children. They may be able to offfer advice:

http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/supporting-a-bereaved-child/

Oh, and, my sympathies. I hope you can spend some important time with your mother.

Very sorry to hear that OP. I really can't offer any advice, my dad died of cancer 7 months ago (prior to the birth of our second child) and my oldest (who was 3 at the time) had to say goodbye to him , as we live abroad. That and myself saying goodbye are the hardest things I've ever done, but as others have said I think it's important to acknowledge the feelings and show your emotions. I don't know what your son knows about death , an individual thing of course

I don't know if this helps and it might be totally out of place, but it's wonderful that they have had the chance to build such a relationship . In the short term that makes it harder , but in the long term it can be a huge positive for your son. Hold on to that if you can

I also think rossendalelemmings idea of a book is fantastic, I wish I had done that .

All the best at an awful time

An awful time for you all.

We had this with my gran last year , my wife's gran 4 years ago and my grandpa 5 years ago - our kids just accepted illness and death as part of life. They also accepted it is fine too be upset and miss someone. They have all grown up spending of and seeing a pic of my mum, known as 'gran who we never met', and I think that has helped with their understanding of these things.

It really depends on the child tbh. I had to tell my 3yr old daughter that her baby brother had died. One of the toughest times/things I have had to do.

We are not religious but made references to him being a star up in the sky so she could still say hi to him. At that age they can often take things in seemingly really well. Just be prepared for it to surface occasionally as they get older.

Not this ever ! Probably the worst bit advice on singletrack! Your child will be terrified of going to sleep himself...

Cancer of the pancreas is a bitch. So sorry.

Kids can be surprisingly matter of fact about these things at that age, sometimes more emotional at an older age. They need to know that [i]they [/i]aren't going to die and [i]you [/i]aren't going to die, and they may ask questions about that. Please do not link this to sleep as others have said. Don't even use the word.

+1 for reading stories to them where old people or animals die in a peaceful way.

We had to deal with this 2 years ago when my brother died. (Bowel cancer - had been fighting it for 6 years)
My kids were 3+6 at the time and both idolised him.
Both kids knew he was ill as they regularly visited him in hospital.

My wife is mildly religious and my kids attend Sunday School - so "The Angels have taken Uncle Dom to heaven and he is now a cloud" was a welcome cop-out at the hardest of times.

We also had a book called "Badgers parting gifts" which was great at dealing with loss - certainly made me cry.

As others have said - there are no rules here but don't link it with sleep.

Sorry to hear that OP and good advice on here especially the sleep thing

All the ebst to you and your family at this time.

I am so sorry to read this. I have been there, and it is painful.

As for babybgoode, it will depend on your personal circumstances as to how you approach it, but holding him close and sharing the sadness and love will never go far wrong.

Very best wishes to you and your family at this time.

As others have said be honest. remind him that he is loved by her and everyone. Plan what you are going to say - don't use euphemisms or phrases with double meanings. Answer his questions, kids are very direct and curious and death don't hasn't developed the same taboo to them - they will talk about it and ask about the same way they would about any other subject.

example when I told my daughter, who was 5 at the time, about the funeral service for my F.i.L. I explained about a coffin is a big box that would have his body in it. She looked horrified and asked 'but what will they do with his head?'This may have been as he had died following a brain injury and she knew his head had been badly hurt but...

Thanks all for your thoughts.

Will speak to Macmillan and I really like the idea of the Me to You book and so does my mum.

Mrs D and I had already talked about what we would say generally about what happens when you die and we had settled on saying the person becomes a star.

I just hate the idea of telling him - a good amount of that childhood innocence destroyed.

But, I know we have to and we will be honest with him. I was a Childline counsellor for a couple of years so have some experience of broaching such things with kids but its so different when its your own and about someone so close to him and I.

I've just had to tell my 6 and 8 year old nana died yesterday it wasn't nice but I'm not sure warning them prior to it would have have matters any tbh just given them grief twice. I didn't have time to tell my two but I'm not certain I would have had I had chance to be honest

I had this just last year, my daughter is 4 and my mother passed away in July. If I were you mate I wouldn't tell him at all now, wait until your mum is closer to that point and just let him know that gran is in hospital, if that makes sense. we didn't tell my daughter until after my Mum had passed and I think we did the right thing. If you tell him now that's all he'll focus on and he'll get sad thinking about it and he will talk to your mum about it and she'll get sad. I think it's better to have her final months/years with him filled with happiness rather than sadness about what's about to happen. It does get better, we printed off a load of pictures of her and my daughter has a little book, she was much better dealing with it than we thought she might be. Still from time to time she'll just say out of the blue 'Dad I'm sad about gran' 🙁 good luck mate, all the best.

Went through this last year. If you search through you can find the very similar thread I started with good advice. The general message I have is that my then 4 yearold just accepted it. Even now almost a year later he still sometimes asks whete the doctors couldnt help grandad. We just try and be honest.we didnt specifically say grandad was dying but just that he was very ill. Tough things kids.
Will add more later when I have time if you have any specific questions.

I have no idea how to tell such a thing to such a young child, so no help there.

However, is it worth videoing the two of them together, your mum's messages to a future babybgoode, that sort of thing?

I lost my mother's mother to cancer about the same age, and it didn't affect me that much at the time (possibly not as close as in your case) but I have no real recollection or memories of her now.

I feel very sorry to hear of your news, as has been repeated, not using the sleep analogy is the first rule. I think holding off may be a good idea too, this will be very difficult for you, I have no doubt. Hold off at least until you have professional advice as others have said. I had similar news with my father a couple of years ago. It's very hard to stay strong, very very hard, I found my love was a strength rather than a weakness... I wish you well...

So sorry to hear the news, going through a similar thing at the moment.

She knows that grandpas very poorly (inoperable bowel cancer that's moved to his liver). As above what happens to them after they die is going to be a question that you're going to be asked. Burnt to a crisp or put in a box in the ground aren't very comforting (Sorry, i've probably had longer to come to terms with the whole death thing and the black humour is rife in our house!)

anyway, my daughter loves learning about the stars and universe which lead me to playing her some of [i]Cosmos[/i]

“The surface of the Earth is the shore of the cosmic ocean. On this shore, we've learned most of what we know. Recently, we've waded a little way out, maybe ankle-deep, and the water seems inviting. Some part of our being knows this is where we came from. We long to return, and we can, because the cosmos is also within us. We're made of star stuff. We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.”
? [i]Carl Sagan, Cosmos[/i]

She and I are both quite fond of the idea that one day that we'll all be star dust.

The verdict - late stage pancreatic cancer with multiple liver and lung secondaries. **** all they can do. They didn't give and timescales but it's clear from their reaction that it's not good at all.

I'm very sorry to hear that. May I give you one piece of practical advice? My wife's uncle died from pancreatic & liver cancer last year, and it was extremely quick from diagnosis to his death. If there's anything your mum is planning to do, please encourage her to do it straight away.

Sorry to hear this op. Lots of good advice on here especially about Macmillan. 20 years ago my brother in law died suddenly he was very close to my kids,who were aged 3 and 5 at the time. All the best to you.

I'm very sorry to hear that. May I give you one piece of practical advice? My wife's uncle died from pancreatic & liver cancer last year, and it was extremely quick from diagnosis to his death. If there's anything your mum is planning to do, please encourage her to do it straight away.

We're a family of medics (my mum was a GP, BiL's are both consultants, Mrs D is a nurse etc) so we are fully prepared for the fact it may be very quick - in a way I hope it is seeing as there is nothing they can do.

That said as of this moment I think my mum is in a bit of denial about timescales - understandable of course but something we will have to broach.

@scaled - don't worry - we're already having a bit of a laugh and a joke about things.

For now I think we're just going to spend as much time as we can together and take each day as it comes. Its because of the diagnosis we're considering telling bbg sooner rather than later but we'll see after speaking to Macmillan etc.

Bad times, my sympathies. Have got a few of the oldies creaking at the minute reading with reluctant interest.

We're a family of medics (my mum was a GP, BiL's are both consultants, Mrs D is a nurse etc) so we are fully prepared for the fact it may be very quick - in a way I hope it is seeing as there is nothing they can do.

That said as of this moment I think my mum is in a bit of denial about timescales - understandable of course but something we will have to broach.

I think my wife took some comfort from the fact that her uncle didn't suffer for too long, but he lived in Canada and I know it caused a lot of upset that his family here didn't get to see him - flights were being arranged but he died only two weeks after diagnosis (the hospital had thought a couple of months)and they didn't get there in time. Sorry if this comes across as insensitive.

My daughter was 3.5 when my granddad died last year. Not the same situation as she didn't know him that well, but I was absolutely straight with her: he was very ill, his body stopped working, and that meant that we weren't going to see him again. She brings it up occasionally with my dad and can sound insensitive, but it's just curiosity.

I have no experience or advice but good luck, OP

Maxray: I cannot wrap my head around how difficult that must have been. Take care buddy

Step son had bone cancer as a teenager, i took the call and i had to tell his mum. Awful. Not the same scenario you are going through but it does help support the best advice on here... talk to Macmillan.

Best wishes.

Best friend died of Leukemia a couple of years back after a 4 year battle, his then 6 year old step-son took it fairly matter of factly - yes, there were tears and sadness, but the simple truth of it seemed to be the easiest way- telling him that yes, he was very ill, and unfortunately they doctors couldn't do anything more to make him get better.

A shit time, but take time for yourself - I think your kid will find this easier to deal with than you.

Burnt to a crisp or put in a box in the ground aren't very comforting

How about turned into a flower or turned in to clouds instead?

We told our kids that my Brother had been turned into clouds - sometimes they'll look up and say they can see him.

We've also tied a note from them to a helium balloon and sent it up to the sky - helps with the concept of separation/finality etc. (ie - he ain't coming back)

I think your kid will find this easier to deal with than you.

Very sorry about your mam .
We had a couple of cancer related bereavements last year, I thought "Grandads Island" by Benji Davies was a gentle take on someone ,a child cares about, going away.

Not read any of the previous replies but kids are resilient. My twins lost their nana at just over two. So I appreciate they would have not been as aware, but they still loved her and missed her (still do) but they accepted it - they know she died and is never coming back.

Just be honest, let the child grieve and they *will* get over it - probably a lot quicker than you do!

Be honest and straightforward. She is not "going to sleep", but she is definitely going to die. This (unlike sleep) is permanent, and you will not see her again, ever.

Children are very resilient. I'm staying with my nephew and three nieces who lost their mother on Wednesday morning to cancer. That said, expect them to say the most unexpected things: "Will mummy be burned when she's dead?" asked the youngest six yo as we drove her to the ITU to say goodbye for the last time.

Try not to react badly, they really don't understand but do try and patch things into their understanding, which is most definitely not adult.

My mum died in November (bowel cancer and secondaries in the brain) and my nephews are 3 and 6.

She’d first been diagnosed in March 2014 so they’d had a while of her being generically ill but no real name for it (and at that stage no terminal diagnosis). They just knew that sometimes she was a bit delicate after an op or needed to get some rest because she was tired after chemo.

Mum lived in Spain (although until the secondaries were diagnosed in the middle of last year she came across to the UK a fair bit and did childcare duties during school holidays etc), and their last trip out there was in August. In hindsight very well timed as she went into hospital a week to 10 days later and never came out. After that, while they were told that she was very poorly and my sister and I went out for visits without them they didn’t really get told anything until afterwards.

They took it pretty well to be honest, they have had teary moments but they soon seem to perk up again.

OP - Sorry about your news.

You tell him straight - she has a illness and she will have a long sleep and not see him again

Only the OP can ultimately make the decision, but I would not link to sleep, sleep is something everyone does daily, and your don't want a 3 1/2 year old scared of sleep in the long term.

Also saying sleep is not telling him straight. Its dressing up the reality of what will happen in to something else.

OP - You will probably find it much harder to deal with than your child will.

I would personally tell your child that Grandma has a disease called cancer, and will get more ill, and there may come a time when Grandma may die (yes I would be that explicit). We avoided use of words like Poorly, sick as these are words we use when our son is ill.

We have had lots of questions about what happens when you die, who looks after you, where do you go, can I go and see 'x'. etc etc

You need to be aware you will get these questions, and be confident in how you can answer them. This after the fact stuff could possibly be way more upsetting for you all if not handled right.

A bit further down the line the connections kids make are interesting.. and can ambush you from nowhere.

We'd always descried my brothers cancer as a really bad bug in his tummy that doctors couldn't fix.

A few weeks after my brother died, my 6 year old brought home a reading book from school called "Body Invaders" which was basically about getting a stomach bug.
However she assumed this was about cancer and became absolutely hysterical.

I guess this is just an example of how literally kids take your descriptions.

guess this is just an example of how literally kids take your descriptions.

All the more reason to call things what they are

Sorry to hear O.P.

My mother has non Hodgkins lymphoma B cell type.

Losing her as the cancer is not affected the chemo.

Very tough on the family.

I see from your profile that you are based in the greatest city in the country. You could contact Cavendish Cancer Care http://cavcare.org.uk/ They are based near the Hallamshire, and they specialise in dealing with how cancer affects the whole family. They have play therapy: a massive room full of toys that your kid can play with, and trained counsellors who can gently talk things through over several weeks. My daughter went to them when she was 5 after her closest friend was diagnosed with brain cancer, and I think Cavendish really helped her.

You can say that again. My mums primary is as a sneaky a shit as they come. Apparently on the 'silent' but if the panceas. No primary symptons show and its generally not until the secondaries start making their presence known and you're already *ed do you get to find out.

Evil * of a disease...

Amen to that. My stepdad was diagnosed in October, as with many pancreatic cancers, symptom free until too late to do anything. Secondaries in his lungs, went for tests when a cough wouldn't go away.
Oncologist said two to four months life expectancy without treatment, six to nine months with chemotherapy . He was lucky in that he got onto the treatment regime the day before NICE (ironic name eh?) axed abraxane. He's doing ok at the moment but he doesn't expect to see another Christmas 🙁

We lost my brother in law to it September 2014. He did present with symptoms - jaundice - but even with a whipple he only lasted a year

Thoughts are with you OP

This^ Desperate news for anyone.

I lost a grandparent at that age...I really can't remember anything about it, as it's such a young age. The kids will be upset but ultimately fine.
Sorry to hear about your mum.

So sorry Dannyb. So very sorry.

When I was in a similar place - I did my best to be clear and simple. I said my dad was really sick and that soon he would die and they wouldn't be able to see him anymore. They took it on board easily. Dealing with the sadness, meant giving them a lot of cuddles and talking about my dad and answering their questions. I also told them that I was upset and needed to cuddle them and talk about it too - this meant they knew it was ok to need it themselves.

Never, ever tell your boy that your mum is going to sleep. That will make him worry about sleep.