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have you ever sat and though, how other people see you.
in the last week, 3 people have commented to me how they see me.
both my kids (26 and 20) are back at home. son is getting divorced, daughter broke up with boyfriend.
we all sat down to talk about it, and at the end, both my kids told me that I don't seem to care much about it. I told them that I care but at their ages it is something not to worry about. life don't always turn out as planned.
I had tried to make light of the situation, they told me that I always try to laugh things off.
then last Wednesday, I got a phone call from the hospital, telling me that my mother had been taken in by ambulance. she has history of phoning for one at the drop of a hat. I mentioned this to the person on the end of the phone.
when I got to the hospital, my mother was sat drinking tea, nothing more than a bout of stomach upset wrong with here. I was pretty annoyed, and told my mother this, and that she had to stop phoning at the drop of a hat.
a woman heard our conversation and came over to tell me that she was the person I had spoken to on the phone. she then went on to tell me that I had sounded very cold and uncaring on the phone, towards my mother. I told he that I had been to the hospital a dozen times with my mother, with false alarms.
then at work this morning, I was sat at my computer minding my own business, with a work mate serving a customer beside me. the customer was trying to pull everyone into his conversation, regarding a problem he had with some equipment. I carried on with what I was doing, so he turned to me and told me that he thought I was ignorant, for not answering him. I told him that I was not serving him, and that if I was I would have answered him.
we then had a pretty heated conversation, with him telling me that he had always thought me ignorant.
so in 2 weeks, I have been told that I am lighthearted and unserious, cold and uncaring, and ignorant.
😐
tonso in 2 weeks, I have been told that I am [s]lighthearted and un[/s]serious, cold and uncaring, and ignorant.
Sounds like an average morning for me 🙂
O wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!
It wad frae mony a blunder free us,
An' foolish notion:
People perceive me as uncaring but I just don't care. 😀
You're normal.
People perceive me as uncaring but I just don't care
I can see that.
PP wins the internet today
I did, about 8-10 years ago and i realised i was a bit of a cock..
I made a conscious decision to be much less of one...
I think i've done a decent job at it.
A couple of years ago there was a street party in our road. Although we know all of our immediate neighbours quite well, there were people further along the road that we were only on nodding terms with, had never actually chatted to until then.
It turns out they all thought we were posh because we have one of the detached houses.
How we all laughed 😆
[s]PP[/s] Robert Burns wins the internet today
FTFY
How we all laughed
....at the peasants?
Kids are both splitting from partners, you made light of it - check
Hypochondriac mother - fair enough
Customer spoke directly to you yet you ignored them - check
2 out of your 3 definitely don't make you look good
I’m sure people have words for me...
Rachel
Sundayjumper - MemberA couple of years ago there was a street party in our road.....How we all laughed
perchypanther - Member....at the peasants?
Doubtful, I believe "street party" is something they do in the favelas?
then at work this morning, I was sat at my computer minding my own business, with a work mate serving a customer beside me
legend..........can you not read.
Good post I'm pretty much the same. Have been through it with family.
Trouble is we live in a society of care vampires where everybody has to care about everything all the time. Millenials are the worst offenders it's because of the internet.
Back in the day stuff happened and we didn't GAS about it unless it was REALLY important. Now everything is at your door and if you don't respond you're cold and heartless. OK I'm cold and heartless. Next
As I get older I think I care less about those I deem don't deserve it, especially when others think I should care more.
I’m sure people have words for me...
😆
It's the motorbike. It confuses them.
😉
OK, you've heard some comments about how people perceive you, and that you are uncaring. Even the kids telling you you're laughing off their concerns amounts to the same thing.
So, do you want to do anything about it?
Or are you just sounding off?
EDIT
Trouble is we live in a society of care vampires
TBH, this sounds like a made up phrase to cover the fact that you can't be arsed, at least be honest about your antipathy
i was told i am sarcastic to anyone, be it the company director, customer or friend. I thought i was funny. now i hope my natural charm allows me to get away with it.
I'd love to know what people really thought about me (those that know me , not those who interact with me online before you lot start!) but i'd be scared too
rOcKeTdOg - MemberI'd love to know what people really thought about me
You come across as quite beardy.
People often tell me I'm cold and uncaring, It's not that i don't care about things, it's that I have perspective.
Does it actually bother you that people think you're uncaring Ton?
It's not that i don't care about things, it's that I have perspective.
this.
I told my kids this.
my son married a girl after dating her for one year. marriage lasted less than a year.
my daughter was dating a bloke 6 years older.
some relationships are not meant to be. get over it and get on with you life. I consider this good advice, not lightheartedness.
TSI it does when it is my family.
To be honest, I assume that everyone in the world thinks I am a complete bell end.
It saves disappointment when I find out that I am right.
Again.
Sort it out then, do some caring... maybe;
Let you kids know that you understand it's tough right now but it should get easier in time and they may look back on it differently in the future, they also may not.
Find out why you Mum keeps running to the hospital to get attention, and then try and act on it.
Sod the customer.
Sod the customer, he'll get his Big Mac eventually
Some people said I was being egotistical. - but enough about them
(Joke from Edinburgh fringe)
Hmm. I was just about to type "I don't care how people perceive me".
Then I thought about whether or not that was true. I think, on the whole, I don't really care, but in a professional capacity I try to project at least a limited air of competence, if not likeability - but in a personal capacity aside from my immediate family, I don't really give a monkey's.
Probably why I'm not overburdened with friends! 😕
have you considered a position in the contract killer industry
Union can be a PITA though....
[img] 
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In response to the actual op,
1) what else do they expect, no one is going to die, i assume both of them, though upset, will be happier as a result, and as you say, at that age, things happen, people change and life goes on and we grow as people. You can't change the outcome, moping with them won't help anyone.
2) i certainly wouldn't have gone to the hospital, unless they'd suggested there was actual "danger" or i thought it was more "cry for help" than hypochondria.
3) some people need to be validated, it bugs me but, in my place of work its partly what I'm paid for.
my son married a girl after dating her for one year. marriage lasted less than a year.
my daughter was dating a bloke 6 years older.
That doesn't come across as having perspective, it comes across as being judgemental. Your son and daughter probably have a good understanding why their relationships failed, they may not be looking to you to tell them that, but rather, be on their side, listen to their problems, and support them.
some relationships are not meant to be. get over it and get on with you life. I consider this good advice, not lightheartedness.
I suppose the crunch here is whether you offered support and/or consolation too?
nickc, I said nothing to either of my kids about their choice of partner. both were living away from home at the time. they did what they wanted.
legend..........can you not read.
Just fine thanks
the customer was trying to pull everyone into his conversation, regarding a problem he had with some equipment. I carried on with what I was doing
reads to me that you were fully aware the guy was trying to engage you. A quick "I do apologise but I'm dealing with another customer right now" type statement and you're grand
Op,the comment on the thread about that bloke driving 100's of miles and the guy denying they had agreed a price,you said you'd have made him drive that distance too if he offered me such a low price? this is a forum and you were probably messing about but if not you sound like a smartass tit.
mikey3........I think pretty much everyone on the forum realised I was messing about. as I have dealt with or sold to or met a very large proportion of them.
Hmmm..
I see this thread as only going one way.
I suspect I'm often seen as an arrogant SOB "in real life," when I consider myself a loner introvert who doesn't follow the crowd.
I see this thread as only going one way.
no mate. got what I wanted from it. no more input from me. 😀
[i] you sound like a smartass tit.[/i]
Can you be an ass and a tit at the same time?
DezB - Member
you sound like a smartass tit.Can you be an ass and a tit at the same time
[img] 
[/img]
Can you be an ass and a tit at the same time?
A flying donkey type of beast? - totally!
Edit : beaten by seconds by a superior post, too
Also, an arse and a tit can look like the same appendage from a similar proximity so, in a kind of cat dead/cat alive sort of scenario - it could be either until all is revealed.
a superior post
Well that's going in my diary.
Edit:
an arse and a tit can look like the same appendage
Years ago i read this is why "cleavage" evolved to look like it does, rather than say a cow's udders, as its a visual clue/stimulant for us stupid males.
Young lad recently started at work. He seems to have me down as a cynical old bloke. Took him a couple of days. I can't imagine why.
I've never really thought about how others see me. I tend to think most people are alright and just have occasional off days. I don't see anything wrong with what Ton did to be honest. I might have handled the first situation differently, but the other two I'd have been the same. Then again, I too am a cold hearted Yorkshire man
If it's any use I bought a bike from him and he was pleasant to deal with. I asked a ton (pun not intended) of seriously stupid questions and he answered them all and was great at responding.
Then again, I too am a cold hearted Yorkshire man
It's not natural predisposition you know, it's just years of being too tight to turn the heating on has leached all the natural warmth from our bodies and developed a sort of permafrost in our vital organs. Its too much entropy, not lack of empathy.
Some of my workmates think I'm an IT genius who'll drop everything to deal with their minor technical issues at the expense of my own short- and long-term project management work.
Some of them have used this reasoning and found out I can also be a snarling a-hole who's perfectly happy to tell them where to stick it.
You sound normal to me.
Very friendly. 😆how others percieve you?
I have been told that I am lighthearted and unserious, cold and uncaring, and ignorant.
Thats me on a good day
It sounds like you've forgotten what it's like to be young, TBH.
In your mid-40s, the end of a two year relationship might well be a drop in the ocean of life, but in your mid-20s it could well be devastating. You've basically just gone "yeah, be right." Which is factually correct, but possibly not what they needed to hear.
Doesn't mean you don't care, just perhaps a bit more empathy is required?
what cougar said.
The customer thing you can disregard.
The thing with your mum, well, she's frustrating you by her behaviour and the Nurse didn;t have the whole picture. You're both right and wrong to teh same degree.
The thing with your kids, I think you read it wrong, but you can make it better. They're young, to them it's a big chunk of their lives, you are right but they don;t need to hear that. Take them out for a beer and listen to their problems. Give em a hug and reassure them. "plenty more fish in the sea" is an empty platitude.
Doesn't mean you don't care, just perhaps a bit more empathy is required?
That leads to hand wringing. Which leads to misery.
Last thing the world needs is more miserable hand wringers.
Warning: sweeping generalisation alert
For many men, society seems to "allow" them two emotional states: Normal and Angry, and many men find that they express "emotion" through those two states, in many cases we're not "allowed" to be upset (unless expressed through anger) or loving, or caring, or understanding (unless those are again expressed through "being normal"). crying is often seen as weak, as is expressing doubt or insecurity, or fear (unless, again, these are expressed through Anger). See the post on the previous page about "care vampires" as if the very idea of having needs outside of physical ones, makes one a drain on other people. It's no wonder that people around us think we're all unfeeling automatons.
I have been told that I am lighthearted and unserious, cold and uncaring, and ignorant.
These all sound like different versions of the same thing.
Your kids are going through a tough time emotionally, you don't appear to be very supportive, or at least try making light of it.
Your mum seems lonely and often makes these cries for help, instead of recognising that, you seem to resent her for that. Did you never run crying to her for comfort as a child, even when there was nothing wrong with you?
The customer? Well, that's just a customer, if you were rude or not, seems a bit irrelevant compared to the lack of emotional attachment you have to others.
Perhaps dismissing their relationship problems and their demands for attentions, you manage to avoid any emotional commitment, which can be quite difficult and tiring, maybe it makes you emotionally cold and anti-social, maybe the customer saw this, though it really seems to be just the surface characteristics of deeper emotional issues.
People here have pointed out that maybe you do have a problem and that you should have behaved differently, you appear to dismiss that too. What is it you want? some pause for reflection or just folks to keep on telling you that are right?
You sound like me OP. I'm a practical person and will help anyone out if I can but if you need a whine or a shoulder to cry on there's others better suited than me.
This made my eyebrows rise though.
a woman heard our conversation and came over to tell me that she was the person I had spoken to on the phone. she then went on to tell me that I had sounded very cold and uncaring on the phone, towards my mother.
This sounds very unprofessional, if she thinks you mother is suffering abuse or neglect fair enough. But to express such an opinion based on a short conversation !! No that's well out of order 🙁
HeNcH.
Sod the customer, he'll get his Big Mac eventually
Excellent 😆
Did you never run crying to her for comfort as a child, even when there was nothing wrong with you?
he probably didn't call for an ambulance though - which someone else might actually have a real need for...
The mistake the OP made with the customer was letting them think that you were somewhat aware of what they were discussing and therefore partaking in the interaction.
Caring about what other people think of you is one route to becoming depressed, as is being too empathetic and trying to take on everybody elses problems.
This sounds very unprofessional, if she thinks you mother is suffering abuse or neglect fair enough. But to express such an opinion based on a short conversation !! No that's well out of order
I'd second that wholeheartedly. Also, even if he wasn't responding to the customer, the fact the bloke went off on a rant filled with personal insults suggests his initial judgement was spot on.
The way I read the OP is that Ton can perhaps appear a bit offhand or uninterested to others sometimes (which is no reliable indicator as to what he actually thinks), but had the misfortune to encounter a couple of people who were far ruder in the course of a single day!
He should be used to that coming on here though, so loses points for that. 🙂
both my kids (26 and 20) are back at home. son is getting divorced, daughter broke up with boyfriend.<snip>
See, you've been all logical about the matter and summed it all up as something they'll get over soon enough.
What they were actually after was tea and sympathy.
If it's any help, I'd have done the same as you did. I'm not very good at tea and sympathy.
OTOH you might want to have a think about why your mum is calling the ambulance all the time and whether she needs some help, for sure its all wrong and stuff cause other people actually need the ambulance, but maybe there's some underlying issue you can be all logical about and maybe even come up with some kind of useful answer, perhaps she needs her kids to do tea and sympathy once or twice a week. Or something.
I was described as a thick skinned wise cracker recently, but secretly I just want to be liked by the cool kids.
labelling people makes life easier - that's the attraction of it. Your kids put effort in to a relationship and are pissed it didn't work. The reality is people can't be stereo typed, especially as you get to know them better.
[quote=ton ]both my kids (26 and 20) are back at home. son is getting divorced, daughter broke up with boyfriend.
I blame the parents....
Well, I get the angry at the hospital thing. Last year my folks were ill they were in and out of hospital and it was all pretty intense.
My mum had a weird turn during the night, ended up getting extracted from the house and admitted to A&E (my dad was in hospital having lost weight and being dehydrated, well amongst the other things).
My mum would always start off with I don't mean to bother you... but my dad, he was a drama queen and needed attention. Everything was an emergency... The thing is every time somebody plays the emergency card you get all bunched up inside, when you find out its something that you've already dealt with and told them you have it pisses you off (mentally I'm putting my jacket on, out in the car and driving into town...). It's not a tap you can switch on and off just like that.
So, finally, when I got an early morning phone call that my mum was off to hospital again in an ambulance I made sure I had breakfast before I set off (I had a feeling it was going to be a long day). Only this time is really was a big ****ing emergency and my mum didn't make it to hospital, she died on the way and I could have been more help to my dad (his neighbour was in so he wasn't alone). When we finally got a call from A&E (the incoming NHS Grampian phone line was offline, we couldn't get through) and they told me... (and I had then to tell my dad...)... now there wasn't much else I could have done but the 'emergency' weariness delayed me. So, in hte end, just as well I had breakfast before I headed in, it was a very long day... 😥
So, its the crying wolf that's the problem. Its really hard having to go through it every time.
Sorry, that was a bit of a ramble...
As for the kids, they know you right? What did they expect? You've taken them back in (that alone shows you care). You're just giving them a sense of perspective... 😀
IDGAF.....!
I had to go on a mandatory two day course for managers last year. Part of the course involved a psychometric test to assess my "emotional intelligence" (no right or wrong answers, blah blah blah...)
Apparently a score of 45 and above was normal. An effective manager was expected to be in the 60-70 band.
Below 20 was what someone with autistic traits would be expected to score.
I scored 9.
The answer to the OP and to win the internet, is of course - it doesn't matter.
Beyond your own anguish and actions regarding your morals within society, constantly worrying about others perception of you will just eat you up.
Forget it, let people make their own judgements it is not important.
Forget it, let people make their own judgements it is not important.
Ok. Who are you and what have you done with the real Kryton57?
Whatever people think of me in my heart of hearts I know I'm a cock.
Forget it, let people make their own judgements it is not important.
Problem is, it's quite easy to fall into 'I don't care what anyone thinks of me' and end up coming across as plain rude and obnoxious.
I know I can.
Warning: sweeping generalisation alertFor many men, society seems to "allow" them two emotional states: Normal and Angry, and many men find that they express "emotion" through those two states, in many cases we're not "allowed" to be upset (unless expressed through anger) or loving, or caring, or understanding (unless those are again expressed through "being normal"). crying is often seen as weak, as is expressing doubt or insecurity, or fear (unless, again, these are expressed through Anger). See the post on the previous page about "care vampires" as if the very idea of having needs outside of physical ones, makes one a drain on other people. It's no wonder that people around us think we're all unfeeling automatons.
We're conditioned into it from an early age. Be a man, MTFU.
When my mum was taken badly ill I asked my dad, "are you ok?" His response was "well, you have to be, haven't you." Which is correct but a non-answer.
It took years to realise that whilst I may be the "support," if I fall over I'm no use to anyone. Gotta take care of number 1, as selfish as that sounds at first glance.
What they were actually after was tea and sympathy.
At the risk of more sweeping generalisations, this is a "men are from Mars" thing isn't it. Women telling problems to other women want and get tea and sympathy; men telling other men expect and receive solutions. When a wife tells a husband about something that's bothering them the guy goes "well, here's what you should do," and then the arguing starts.
When my ex left me I was proper devastated. Absolutely lost. Went to see my parents. Mum was there and was upset and tried to help.
Old man arrived home and I fought back the tears and told him what had happened.
He just shrugged his shoulders and mumbled something. Zero advice. Zero reassurance. Zero emotion.
Don't be that guy.
^ Don't know quite where I sit with that; I get your point but there's a lot to be said for an angle other than understandable and lovely sympathy and cuddles from Mum, that's just "so, what do you expect me to do. It's your one shot at life" that you use to make balanced decisions in the future, and definitely never **** up again 🙂
But my point is, unless you doubt your parent(s) care for you at all, their reactions are probably born from the best intentions.
If I worried about how people perceived me I'd never leave the house.
It'd be nice to pretend I didn't care about how folk perceived me but then I'll get a really lovely review on TripAdvisor/Google/Facebook and it makes me proud and happy.
I wish I didn't care what other people thought about me, life would be so much easier - I'm pleasantly surprised when other people don't think I'm an arse (but those who do apparently think I'm an arse include my sister and the woman I once thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with)