I don't want this to come across as insensitive as i totally appreciate the need to rant and moan every so often but literally every day, as part of the routine, my girlfriend will come home from work, make a cup of tea and start moaning about her day. Is this normal? Am I just a robot that doesn't feel the need to rant like that?
Admittedly she's quite new in to a high stressed job whilst i work from home in a comparatively low stress job so maybe I'm just not used to her perspective but the negativity really brings down the mood in the house, to the extent that i feel an internal groan (I feel terrible about this) when I hear her keys in the lock as I know I'm about to be subjected to a 20 minute rant
She says it's her dream job so the obvious "find a better job" isn't feasible unfortunately but I'm pretty worried about the long term effects of this. Obviously worried for her but also in general, like I said it really fills the house with negativity as well
Daily. I long ago learned that practical advice doesn't help (unless in accordance with what she's already doing), the value I bring to it is solely listening sympathetically and nodding in all the right places.
No it isn't normal, if it becomes normal then sort it, if that means changing jobs then so be it, life's too short.
I think that if you can look around at what's presently happening in this country and you're not in a constant state of rage then there's something wrong with you
Just put some MDMA in her tea. It works for me
Yes my wife does this. When she really has to off-load then we go for a walk so at least we get some exercise whilst she gets it off her chest.
My view is that I would rather focus on her for 20 minutes or so than have her simmering all evening.
Some people process their thoughts verbally. It's been my observation that women are much more likely to do this than men.
She's just processing the events of her day and sharing them with you. It's perfectly normal.
She's not looking for you to provide any solutions to her problems. She just wants you to listen and empathise.
Find a copy of a book called "Why men don't listen and women can't read maps". It explains everything about how , in broad terms, mens and womens brains are wired up slightly differently.
Perfectly put by Pondo and Perchypanther
What Perchy says. Don’t listen to me know as according to Binners there is something wrong with me.
My partner never does this fortunately, but I had a flatmate who did it every day when he got home from work. It was a massive pain in the arse.
Some people seem to feel the need to unload all their tension/stress by doing this. Some don't.
Are you familiar with the term 'yes, dear'?
My ex used to do it. It's something you just have to tolerate, I think. I didn't find it particularly annoying, but it does get really boring! Told my current that it was the most boring thing about my ex and now she does it even more. Has good reason to though, and if I'm her only outlet, then well, I'm lucky that she depends on me really. I try to offer solutions, but that's not what she wants, I don't think, just someone to nod and be comforting.
I'm sure thing were far better back when the man came home and flopped in a chair and the good lady emerged from the kitchen in her apron carrying a cup of tea. How was your day dear..?
I'm probably the ranter.
I think my partner is looking forward to my new job even more than I am. 🙂
Distraction techniques:
Put her off dress up like superman
Put the lights down low with candles on
Invite her to help with cooking or something
go for a walk with her
Some people process their thoughts verbally. It’s been my observation that women are much more likely to do this than men.
She’s just processing the events of her day and sharing them with you. It’s perfectly normal.
She’s not looking for you to provide any solutions to her problems. She just wants you to listen and empathise.
100% this. whatever you do don't disagree with her... just nod, smile and make a cup of tea
My wife doesn't rant in an angry way but she does go through her day in great detail when she gets home. He said this, she said that sort of thing.
Me - I try and forget work as soon as I leave the premises and rarely talk about it at home. "How's your day been" is usually met with "s'alright". And my short term memory is shocking so that helps! 🙂
My wife used to, in fact funnily enough, it was just as she started her dream job too.
1 year later she was crippled with anxiety and depression due to the stress, pressures, quit the job and in fact the whole career to go and do something completely different that is not what she imagined her dream job would be.
Interestingly, she doesn't rant any more as she loves her job now.
Pondo nailed it. Blokes tend to want to fix things. It was a lightbulb moment for me when I realised that she isnt' looking for me to fix anything, she just wants to offload.
It is weird as I couldn't think of anything worse than talking about work when I'm at home but it seems to make her happy so fine. Its just a daily 15min routine.
pondo and perchy on the nail there, and muffinman is me in disguise.. However i have noticed that after a while it does start to affect me (it is daily) and i blew a gasket the other day with some practical advice of how to fix the "issues" bluntly.. had the spare room for a couple of days...
Pondo nailed it. Blokes tend to want to fix things. It was a lightbulb moment for me when I realised that she isnt’ looking for me to fix anything, she just wants to offload.
Yep - when the wife has a rant at me about the scales not moving this week despite her only eating air I need to realise she doesn't want solutions from me (such as do a HIIT workout it might help) she just wants someone to display her annoyance to
Pondo nailed it. Blokes tend to want to fix things. It was a lightbulb moment for me when I realised that she isnt’ looking for me to fix anything, she just wants to offload
Not so. My partner kept going on about the dishwasher door being broken.
Yes dear, I said, I understand how it being broken might get to you and I empathise.
Seemingly she did actually want me to fix it.
My partner has a super tough job, with far more stress than I could put up with. I am constantly in awe at the amount of day to day shit* she has to deal with, and she does it all in the most polite, caring and professional of manners She's an amazing human and can rant to me as much as she wants if it makes her feel better.
*other peoples
I think that if you can look around at what’s presently happening in this country and you’re not in a constant state of rage then there’s something wrong with you
^^^and this does not help,there are days when I feel like I could burst in to flames.
Make sure the TV is on when she comes home.
Let her rant for 5 mins, then put your finger to your lips as in "shush" and slowly point towards the telly.
Post back what happens.
Blokes tend to want to fix things. ... [s]he just wants to offload
Much like the OP and the answers on this thread I reckon 😛
Find a copy of a book called “Why men don’t listen and women can’t read maps”. It explains everything about how , in broad terms, mens and womens brains are wired up slightly differently.
A then-girlfriend years ago ordered me to read "women are from Venus, men are from Mars." It was a lot of pseudo-psychological guff but one thing that did strike a chord was that, in rash generalisation terms, men share problems when they want advice but women do so for validation.
Eg, a bloke goes "something terrible happened at work today," his male mate goes "you want to take that to HR." A lass goes "something terrible happened at work today," her female mate goes "that's awful, let's get a bottle of prosecco and a litre of Haagen Dazs and you can tell me all about it."
Casual sexism aside, if someone expects one response and receives the other - and it doesn't have to be a gender-specific response - that's when the wheels come off. You could, wacky idea I know, talk to her and ask what she expects of you. If she's only blowing off steam and getting it out of her system then just nod and smile and get the kettle on.
Oh, and,
It took me a long time to realise that there's a difference between shouting at me and shouting to me. Like, my girlfriend will (rarely, she's generally fairly laid-back) go off on one at me. At first I was like "what the hell are you ranting at me for, it's not my fault!" when in fact that inference was all mine, she was just having a rant.
My wife does this and always has done. Its clearly the 'validation' thing.
Its a pain in the arse. I'm wired for solutions/problem solving. In a time compressed family with something always to do, the concept of listening to her whine on about stuff without looking for a way to solve or deal with the issue is just a total waste of time.
Mine doesn't rant much but does tell me a lot of stuff that I have no interest in.
Susans friend Mary, whos husbands ex wifes brothers friends dog has covid. I don't know who Susan is, never mind the rest of the trail and even if I did, I don't really care that they have covid.
I kind of realise that it's validation not solution thing but when my wife goes off on one I find it uncomfortable when she gets so annoyed. It's a nonstop stream so I struggle to listen as I'm not part of the 'conversation' so my mind then wanders, she notices and suddenly all that anger is then directed at me.
Rarely, but that's because i mostly just laugh and call her a clown fish.
Mine only does it from Monday to Friday. She's a primary teacher in one of the roughest parts of Sheffield. Some of the stuff she has to deal with is unthinkable. The daily occurrences range from heartbreaking to infuriating. I know for a fact I wouldn't last a week without strangling one of the parents. The kids are just the tip of the iceberg. Then there's the local car chases and people wheelying up and down the street on MX bikes. I went to a crap school in a crap part of the northeast but this place is outrageous.
She just needs 20 minutes after work to blow her lid then she's fine. She's not angry with me and she doesn't want me sort anything out. I just nod and agree with her. It doesn't last or have any effect on our relationship.
Susans friend Mary, whos husbands ex wifes brothers friends dog has covid. I don’t know who Susan is, never mind the rest of the trail and even if I did, I don’t really care that they have covid.
Mine doesn't do this thanfully but at the minute I'm sharing an office with 6 women and I know the entire life stories of themselves, their siblings, their kids, their neighbours and a bunch of fictional characters from various soap operas.
It was a lot of pseudo-psychological guff
Probably..... but I found it both entertaining and, crucially, privided a few nuggets of deeper understanding that have quite literally changed the way I interact with people on a day to day basis.
The basic premise of the book is that the development of civilisation has far outstripped the natural speed of evolution. Essentially we've constantly updated the software in our brains to cope with modern society but it's all still running on the hardware of a hunter-gatherer society where evolution had given different roles to the different sexes.
Women in the hunter gatherer society were primarily the gatherers and men were the hunters.
This had lead to a fundamental difference in the way that they both see the world and communicate their understanding of it.
The women would spend their days gathering but, in order to provide maximum visibility of approaching predators they would stand on opposite sides of whichever bush they were picking berries from so that they can each watch the area behind their companions. As a result of this, the evolutionary hard wiring of women favours face to face communication.
The men, meanwhile, were out attempting to spear the Wooly Mammoth. Their brains have evolved to communicate side by side to find solutions to a common goal rather than face to face.
Sounds like a load of bollocks.... until you try to have a difficult conversation with a teenager.
I can confirm that it's much, much easier to have an awkward conversation with a teenage boy while your sitting side by side playing Xbox or in the car.
Conversely it's much easier to talk to a teenage daughter if you sit her down and look her in the eye.
They're just hard wired that way.
Probably about 3 times as much as I do.
It's a fun game, when I'm cooking It's "hmmm hmm" as she stares at her phone. When I need some info from her as in "when have you hidied me keys" it's "hmm hmm" as she stares at her phone etc, etc etc.
She likes to wait until I'm starting episode 1 of a new series, or the start of a film - you know, the important part when they lay out the story for you, then suddenly the phone holds no interest for her and she'll rant and rave at me for 15 mins. If I dare pause whatever I'm watching, that's apparently rude.
Just nod and say "Uh hu" every now and again. It becomes automatic while internally you're planning your next bike upgrade (or whatever). Works for most men.
Pat her on the top of the head and say "never mind dear" if she gets cross then say "do you know you are cute when you're angry?"
Report back how that works please
I used to do this.
Mrs crikey would pick me up from work and ask how I was as we drove home and I would launch into a mad de-stressing rant about everything that had annoyed me that day. She would sit in silence until one particular set of traffic lights and then say 'Ok, enough'.
If either of us launch into any kind of rant now it has become our custom to allow it for a period of time then mention the name of the road junction as a polite way of saying 'That's your lot, be quiet now'.
She doesn't any more 🤷♂️
IGMC
I can confirm that it’s much, much easier to have an awkward conversation with a teenage boy while your sitting side by side playing Xbox or in the car.
Also true for many ASD folk.
cheers_drive
Full Member
I kind of realise that it’s validation not solution thing but when my wife goes off on one I find it uncomfortable when she gets so annoyed. It’s a nonstop stream so I struggle to listen as I’m not part of the ‘conversation’ so my mind then wanders, she notices and suddenly all that anger is then directed at me
lol, my missus has caught me doing this with the resulting rage ensuing - she tells me it's like looking at homer simpson with the monkey playing cymbols..
All the time. Now and again I get annoyed (whereupon my sentences start with 2well, in which case you should"...), but mostly I try to let it go.
We've been together for many, many years and I love her deeply, but I have got to a point in my life where I will always want to look for a positive outcome - frankly life is to short to be unhappy. She remains stuck in a cycle of endless complaining combined with an apparent unwillingness to change the situation.
I have concluded that I think she enjoys it. So I choose (with the odd exception - like last night) not to let it get to me.
EDIT: I ought to add that I've tried all sorts of methods to curtail the ranting, as it means her work life spills into homelife (a killer now we're both WFH). But nothing has seemed to stick. We both work (worked?) in central Manchester and I preferred taking a Northern Rail train (to give me time to compose my day on the way in and unpack it on the way home) rather than drive in together.
If I dare pause whatever I’m watching, that’s apparently rude.
Yeah, what’s that about? Surely it’s polite.
I’m panicking a little bit now. What if you don’t listen and don’t read maps?
You'll always be lost?
My wife does this rarely, she's definitely the calmer of the two of us. I on the other hand used to be a serial ranter/ get things off my chest, particularly if I hadn't cycled to/ from work. Got to the point in Spring last year when I cracked and it was clear now looking back it was stress and depression. Somthing had to change, and after months off and other things I am so much better at dealing with things. My job can be very stressful, not just the senior manager pressures but dealing with things including major incidents such as Grenfell etc. She remains convinced something changed the first day I came back from visiting in the two weeks after the tragedy, but in the moment I can deal very well with what needs doing. As with others either the job needs to change or your partner does somehow, perhaps they can't vent at work for example, I rarely now let things bother me too much, especially if I can't change things or effect a change.
You can always chose to look at something from a negative or positive point of view. You can moan at what happened or tell me what you're going to do to fix it. You can laugh at the behaviour of the predictable idiots who make your lives a misery.
You've got to be honest to your partner and say "Park your negativity at the door, I'm not listening to it any more".
I'm a bloke who's been madly in love with MrsBigJohn for the last 51 years. We have both had some hard times with work but we laugh and giggle every day.
You are supposed to listen. Not offer solutions or advice. Every day does sound a bit much though, if the rant doesn't die back she will need another job.
What if you don’t listen and don’t read maps?
Then you may not partake of the nuts and berries, nor of the Wooly Mammoth
I've got two take-aways from this thread so far:
1) Some of your missuses* need girl friends.
2) A few of you are hooked up with childish narcissists and you're putting up with far too much crap. Resigned to the spare room for two days? Maybe it'll improve after she hits puberty.
(* - How is "missuses" not being flagged by spellcheck?)
Here’s a third take away
3) Some of you may struggle to maintain long term relationships
🤣
Fair.
Whatever you do, you MUST keep the communications open. If either of you stops discussing and rolls over agreeing to things in the interest of a quiet life you are heading for bad decisions and catastrophe. Stand your ground, be reasonable, consistent and supportive and keep talking.
That's what I've learned, but too late.
Normal... Mrs b NHS midwife, I just sit and hopefully nod at the right time whilst not really listening just allowing her to vent on the days events and wait until she nods off after her tea.
Just be an ear to listen to whilst not actually listening😏
How often? Most nights, Monday to Friday. About 10.45pm, just as I turn my bedside light off and roll over to go to sleep.
Not sure if she needs to vent, is trying to piss me off or making sure any romantic intentions I may have been having get deflated, but it works for all three options.
Blimey
Am I just a robot that doesn’t feel the need to rant like that?
No, you're fortunate to not have a shitty job.
maybe I’m just not used to her perspective but the negativity really brings down the mood in the house, to the extent that i feel an internal groan (I feel terrible about this) when I hear her keys in the lock as I know I’m about to be subjected to a 20 minute rant
Mate - she's clearly having a difficult time. And you're just thinking about your own state of mind? Seriously? She needs your love, sympathy and support not your disapproval. Good grief!
My wife does this too, by the way - and I listen, I offer sympathy, and I let her do it then try and think of ways to cheer her up. Maybe a joke, a distraction, a hug, whatever's appropriate. And yes, it is annoying to listen to but I do what I can for her because I want to be a good partner and she needs sympathy.
Male and female brains are NOT wired differently.
Nature vs nurture.
This! I think you're married to the same person as me!
Just listen and finish it with "it'll all be okay" and a hug and you'll be golden.
I like a moan also, but my excuse is that I'm a Brummie.
Mrs TJ and I have both had very stressful jobs. Neither rant to the other much at all. Occasionally when either of us needed support or help sorting out the what ifs or even to vent but not every day. I would find that very destructive indeed.
Both of us would sometimes say - "bad day? Tell me about it" when the other looked under pressure
I thought men - generally - use more grey matter and women - generally - use more white matter. But then I'm no brain expert.
What I would say is that IMO women and men are not meant to live together 24/7, time apart definitely helps them appreciate each other more.
If you're going to ignore and just nod, for God's sake make sure you have a buffer in your head so that you can remember the last couple of sentences. Then when she says "you're not listening! What have I just said?" you can repeat parrot-fashion.
Next time she goesto work stick oneof these to the outside of the front door.
gnusmas
Full MemberShe doesn’t any more 🤷♂️
IGMC
No need to get your coat Alan
My wife never unloaded she would just sort the problem she had. She only told me the funny stuff 🙂
So much of this sounds so familiar.
Most days when I get home, I get a detailed account of what has wound her up and annoyed her. Sometimes it's so detailed and long-winded that I lose track of what the rant was about in the first place. I've learned the hard way not to offer suggestions or solutions, but just to listen and try and be supportive.
Once she's offloaded and calmed down, she generally asks how my day was and it has to have been remarkably good or bad for me to reply with anything other than a 'fine' or 'okay'. I try to leave work at work, and commuting on the bike helps to calm things down so that I generally feel pretty chilled by the time I get home and don't feel like talking about work.
Many years ago, I had a copy of 'men are from mars...' literally thrown at me by an exasperated girlfriend. I didn't read all of it, but it did help me to understand why she found it annoying when I tried to offer solutions to her problems. Ironically, if she had read it then maybe she could understand why I sometimes couldn't help doing it.
Never, ever, no good comes from rants and rows. She's a suboptimal map reader but we have Waze.
Quite amusing to read some male perspectives on this, certain replies stand out of those people who if I had the possibility of being in a relationship I would and others I feel sorry for their partners. I have to say I think men and women’s brains being wired differently is utter rubbish, that’s like us going back to saying we need men’s and women’s bikes when we all know that every person is proportionally different, there’s no mould we get poured into you know. I think it’s more what we have seen as we grow up has decided that generally speaking women rant and talk a lot and men don’t bother and bottle it up, hence men’s suicide rates and men not going to drs to say ‘something is wrong’. Maybe you all need to learn to talk and rant!
I don’t really rant, mostly because I like my job and where I work and so therefore don’t have any steam to let off but I can certainly rant about little things I find super annoying. Like my new flat neighbours who think it’s okay to sit on the communal back step and smoke rather than actually going outside. The other reason I don’t really rant is I’m not given the opportunity to do so. The dog hasn’t yet learnt to ask and right now the only other person I see at the weekends is my fella and our conversation goes... (me) how was work this week?, (him) amaaaaaazing *dripping in sarcasm*. The art of conversation is completely lost and I never get a ‘how was yours’ back. But I did get a free MOT, four new tyres and food cooked every weekend for me so I have to adjust my language skills to know that that’s his reply!!
Mr Pea and I both let off steam with a work-related rant from time to time. It can be quite helpful - let it out and forget about it. We do totally different jobs and can’t offer each other specific advice but that’s not the point of it.
If I found myself ranting every day though, I would be asking myself if I was in the right job, or looking for a different way to let off steam about it.
She likes to wait until I’m starting episode 1 of a new series, or the start of a film – you know, the important part when they lay out the story for you, then suddenly the phone holds no interest for her and she’ll rant and rave at me for 15 mins. If I dare pause whatever I’m watching, that’s apparently rude.
Snap! Although I think the reason she objects to me pausing the TV is because she was hoping she could run the clock down on whatever cycling I was watching. Nope! You're getting every second of Sean Kelly's congested droning 😀
*pats vickypea and golfchick on head*
I agree with Golfchick that it’s a myth that there are significant differences between the brains of men and women. The idea that there are differences comes from social conditioning not from physiology or neurology.
I suspect that there are some differences in the way men and women think and some of that is structural / physiological but the overlap is greater than the difference.
I also think tho that some of the psychobabble discussed here is bunkum. For example recent archeology shows that women were warriors and hunters
@gnusmas Hope it’s all going well and it’s good that you can make a barbed comment about Lyanda (Hope the spelling is correct I’m on the phone in hospital so checking back is a pain).
Back OT listening without offering solutions is the skill chaps don’t get taught. On the job training then becomes a fraught experience.
I haven't read all the replies but my wife used to work with some challenging kidsw, she would ciem home every day wracked and careworn, and needed to upload.
I love her dearly and my job was, and is, to man up and support her.
It isn't difficult, cooking, wine, chocolate, tea, a sense of humour, life is shit, help each other.
There are no reliable scientific data to conclude anything more than insignificant structural differences between male and female brains. As much as some people like to divide us into pink versus blue we’re not really that different.
As you mentioned Tj, the overlap is so great that there can be bigger differences between men (or between women) than between men and women.
I’ve got some male friends who like a good rant and wear their heart on their sleeve, and some who are minimal with their words and don’t talk much about feelings. 😊
I think that if you can look around at what’s presently happening in this country and you’re not in a constant state of rage then there’s something wrong with you
I just let it all wash over me and don't really get affected by it. If I didn't I'd probably go mad....
*pats vickypea and golfchick on head*
I think that deserved some recognition. 👏👏
We have "whingeoclock" in our house, gets a fair amount of use 😕
OK, so I used to be the ranter, admittedly I was in the wrong job, well actually the wrong company, where I was constantly 'fighting' them. It was a way of getting my side across, a purge, just to be heard.
Think about if you're having an argument where the other person doesn't engage - you need to have your say.
If it's everyday, there is likely an underlying bigger cause and the rant is a symptom.
I still have my moments but after some frank realisations, try to limit work talk (good and bad). The husband doesn't know who or what I'm talking about so it's not fair to jabber at him and I try and curb it if I start going off on one.
Maybe a gentle discussion (not mid or post rant!) about your concerns that your partner is in a position to have to do this and is there anything you or they can do to change the circumstances or necessity. Also an honest dialogue about the effect it has on you; they likley do not realise and its not about guilt but if it brings both of you down, you can't help each other.
Is there another outlet? A journal or even a vlog/dictaphone, can be private but it's just sometimes about havi g a medium of getting out of your head
The husband doesn’t know who or what I’m talking about so it’s not fair to jabber at him and I try and curb it if I start going off on one.
In our house we appreciate that neither of us knows or much cares about the details. But the process of articulating it is actually beneficial. Sometimes I don't much listen to her when I can tell it's the same as usual, but often I do, and I point out where her boss (the target of 80% of it) or the rest of management (the target of 20% of it) are clearly out of order, based on my experience of lots of jobs. She listens to me and does the same where she can.
So we half-listen to each other's rants. It's not always great fun but it's time we give freely and willingly. It's a service - like washing dishes or something. We both benefit.
I’ve got some male friends who like a good rant
One thing I miss about going into work is that I quite often found myself pacing around the office like a caged timer, shouting at clouds. It's not quite the same on my own in the living room and it scares the cat.
Dont get ranted at... my other half prefers to give me a detailed review of everything I have done wrong that day supported by blaming me for all the things that went wrong in her day that i have no control over.
Its ****ing wearing.