You don't need to be an 'investor' to invest in Singletrack: 6 days left: 95% of target - Find out more
are you kicking yourself for not asking enough?
We asked him the one time we needed help and he didn't have the time (nor could he suggest a date when he might have the time).
Read the first few posts.
Maybe you should offer to look after the kids all day so your wife can go and help her brother?
Mastiles. Thats one occassion. I have also said no to family members when i have either been too busy or plain couldnt be bothered. I hope it doesnt stop them asking in future though.
Hobo - I can't comment on any other times as generally I am able to cope by myself (or at the most ask my father-in-law or brother to pop round for an hour to give me pointers then leave me to it).
Rightplace - that one has been covered 🙂
OR...
Maybe you should try to think of something you need doing and build it into the deal now/
e.g. "OK xxxx I'll be over to help you with the move, and by the way, when will you be able to help me with yyyy?"
Doesn't matter what yyyy is, just so long as you let him know he is going to have to make some pay back.
Maybe you should try to think of something you need doing and build it into the deal now/
I tried mentioning that one to my wife (ie, the fence we will need erecting if a neighbouring farmer will sell us a little plot for a garden) and it didn't go down well - apparently I shouldn't be counting, I should take this approach (as Rocky would say) 'friends don't owe, friends do 'cos they wanna do'.
MF is his b1tch.
and leeches keep on sucking
I'm all for counting. There are some people in life who are simply see you next tuesdays.
MF is doing this for his Wife not his brother in law.
This being STW and 'all, some of you folks probably don't have partners. 😆
MF is doing this for his Wife not his brother in law.
100%
Thinking about this more, I only started to count when I started to think I am being taken for a mug. For example, my younger brother is fantastic - there isn't a thing he would say no to if he is able to do it and I have no problem asking him for help (during our house move for example - all helpers were paid in beer and a slap-up curry) and conversely he often asks me for favours - we actively offer our help to each other all the time. I have no idea what I have done for him over the years, nor what he has done for me, because we simply help each other when we can.
I WAS like that with my wife's brother until I started to notice that he never offered help nor available on the one occasion we did ask.
My bro in law (good bloke) slept in with a hangover when we were moving house. Poor mrshora had to help carry a double fridge freezer with me!
Definitely stop helping out - you've already done waaaay more than enough. Sounds like he's done the sum total of zilch for you in return.
What a git.
TBH - after the last move we did (small house, no kids, minimal clutter) I wouldn't ever ask someone to help me move - it just seems to make sense to pay someone to do it for you.
And my brother in law is moving from a three bed + shed + 3 kids house...
😐
That's a good argument - you wouldn't move yourself so why help move someone else? Maybe offer to pay for him to have removers just to see what he's say; need to be able to back out quickly though if he's cheeky enough to accept....
Presuming you think negotiations are going to go well with the farmer, and that you trust the BIL to work to your standards when you plant the new fence / lawn etc, hit him with big smile and slap on the back as you finish on Saturday and remind him that he 'owes you one' when the time comes...
That way, he knows the lay of the land and, if he shirks (be it the fencing etc or a.n.other favour that you call in) then you have to ask yourself if you're gonna help then again and he'll know you're not gonna be looking favourably...
hit him with big smile and slap on the back as you finish on Saturday and remind him that he 'owes you one' when the time comes...
I am so tempted - I will have to do it out of earshot of Mrs M though - she'll know it is a veiled dig 🙂
But if he doesn't help at that point I am sure Mrs M will take my side for future requests from them.
I will have to do it out of earshot of Mrs M though
I am sure Mrs M will take my side for future requests from them
You're certain of that are you 🙄
A serious case of MTFU if ever I heard one...
A serious case of MTFU if ever I heard one...
That's the thing about being in a relationship - sometimes you have to make concessions to what your partner wants - at least that's how I see it.
Er, but YOU are the only one making the concessions aren't you
Er, but YOU are the only one making the concessions aren't you
On this occasion yes - because I know what it means to my wife to be able to help her brother.
IMO the compromise would be to let her do the helping instead of doing family stuff
I know what it means to my wife to be able to help her brother
So why question doing it then?
Why can't you tell him straight I don't mind helping you but giving me a hand sometimes would be nice?
Book a removal company / man with van and pay for it yourself...point out that this is their house warming, birthday and christmas present.
I would never do my own house removals again the pain / stress and fatigue was silly the first time and the second time the £200 spend on a removals firm was probably some of the best money I have ever spent.
Just say no.
Helped my brother move house last week as he couldn't do it by himself.
Do odd jobs for him but he does pay me for them as admits he can't be arsed and I'm cheap as he's my brother. Everyone's happy then.
Favours only last so long if they are not being re-paid in some form.
Suggest to your good lady that you will help, begrudgingly, with the move on the sole proviso that this is the last time unless favours are returned. I think you have been more than reasonable in the past. Inform Mrs MF that you are doing this for her, and not him and all future favours must need to see some form of reciprocation.
How's that sound?
Just wait until you turn up and nothing is packed in boxes and no beds are dismantled etc.
Then you can have a proper rant.
If I'm in gainful employment I will never move house myself again. In fact I'll be paying them to pack and upack and I'll be at work.
I will help other people when I feel they need the help (as long as they have done the packing and dismantling and just need a hand shifting between A and B and into the house)
Just wait until you turn up and nothing is packed in boxes and no beds are dismantled etc.
Well I know it is (mostly) packed as they are in short-term rented at the moment whilst their sale went through. It is the lugging and the (inevitable) fitting (as he is not very good with drills and Rawlplugs and the like) that he wants the 'help' with.
A ha! I think I see a way out.
Let me paint you a picture.
He puts something round on one of the shelves you have put up for him - it rolls off and smashes.
He puts something heavy on another of the shelves - the shelf falls down and it smashes.
He looks for some vital electronic gadget that was in a box that you carried into the house - he finds it smashed under the corner of something heavy.
He never asks for your help again.
Could I be that evil?
The way I feel - possibly...
Overnight I thought more about this - with the twins around we have a list of chores that need doing at home as long as you like - but we never get chance to do them. So here we are finding time to help someone else! I'll have to get them to babysit for a full day or something so I can at least get on with my own bits sometime soon.
I love these cute little middle-class dilemmas. Makes my life seem a total breeze in comparison!
m_f
We know someone, he's called Mat - known as 'Door Mat', cos everyone wipes their feet on him...
Get a backbone, ring him up and tell it like it is. "You've been at work all week and you want to spend time with the kids plus put your feet up and watch the TV", plus "you feel the favour 'count' has been going the wrong way for a while now".
Yes, your wife will have a strop - that's what wives do. She'll get over it (eventually).
[i]If I'm in gainful employment I will never move house myself again. In fact I'll be paying them to pack and upack and I'll be at work.[/i]
Yep, me too, for the last upteen times.
We know someone, he's called Mat - known as 'Door Mat', cos everyone wipes their feet on him...
I guess I am (trying) to take the approach of karma - when I do need help I would always hope there will be someone there to help me and there always is. It's just that up to this point (at least since he married his wife - hmm, connection made 💡 ) it hasn't been him.
Ok sick of the silly suggestions.
Bang his wife. Really blow her backdoors off with sexual-semtex.
Then, whilst she is still agaga and staggering around bewildered speak to him and say 'you've climbed ontop of me and dry-humped me enough. Like how the favour feels returned'?
sexual-semtex
LMFAO!!!!!
Hand grenades are soo yesterday.
I get this a lot, because I work in IT. It seems to be the one profession where your services are expected for free; if I had a pound for every friend-of-a-friend-of-my-mum's-hairdresser's-cousin who'd gone "oh, my computer at home is running a bit slow" I could retire. You wouldn't expect a plumber to come fit a new bath for free, so why is it expected of geeks? Because we're all stupid enough to keep doing it I suppose.
Anyway, before I descend completely into rant mode, where I'm going with this is, do the people you help appreciate it?
I don't ask for money when I look at PCs for people, but I appreciate it when they offer some form of payback for my services. It's nice to get a couple of bottles of wine or a single malt in return when I've spent all weekend off and on fettling something. It's got to a point now though where some people clearly take the proverbial, so my policy now is that I'll look at anything once, but their attitude when I do will wholly dictate whether I'll ever look at something twice. I don't mind doing favours for people, but I don't want to be openly taken advantage of.
The situation posted by the OP, the telling line for me is "when I needed help, they were busy" - that could be genuine, of course, but it'd leave me with a bad taste in my mouth personally. I don't do favours on the proviso that they are then indebted to me, but as someone else said this has to flow both ways.
Cougar your situation is far worse. At least its one couple taking the mick.
True, but on the other hand, the only thing stopping me saying "no" is my own stupidity rather than spousal grief.
*If all goes well in negotiations with the farmer next door, that will be a big fence to erect, several trees to dig out and a lawn to lay
And I would put money on him being 'busy' again. I've been on the receiving end of people like that and witnessed it happen to others so often that I can say with 90% certainty that the flow will be all one way.
There is a very real danger of you doing yourself an injury which may not surface until years later. Leave it to the pro's who (importantly) are insured. As has been said - if he can afford the new house, the cost of removal men is a tiny % of the moving expenses.
As has been said - if he can afford the new house, the cost of removal men is a tiny % of the moving expenses.
Wheres this years holiday for your inlaws?
Wheres this years holiday for your inlaws?
I *think* they are giving it a miss, but mainly because we are all planning to go over to LA to see their other brother next year for his 40th and that will be silly money - we will be struggling to even afford it 🙁
And I would put money on him being 'busy' again
Well if he is, then I really will say no next time and expect my wife to back me up.
as he is not very good with drills and Rawlplugs and the like
Never will be if you always do it for him! It's not exactly rocket science, is it?
Never will be if you always do it for him! It's not exactly rocket science, is it?
Well no - I had help from others when I was younger and can now do it. Still, he is only 29 so perhaps still learning. I dunno.
mogrim has a point.
Change of mind- Personally I'd research a few reasonable moving companies.
If he lacks the empathy to understand the one-way favour-street its because he knows hes taking the piss to save him money.
I honestly don't think he is taking the piss, I just think he is so wrapped up in his own life he hasn't stopped to consider others have one too.
I haven't even got to the absurd requests he has made to his mum and dad regarding several full weekends babysitting their three very young children... (for example, one where he asked whether they could have the children for three nights, his mum said she wasn't sure she could cope, he booked flights to Paris anyway, she had to have his kids).
The more I discuss this, the more I am beginning to realise there will have to be a time very soon when this is discussed openly with them.
If you want to go down the removal men route, we have moved 3 times in last 5 years, great quick service and cheap enough 4 bed house with 4 kids £350 and we were in for 12
1st Choice VG Removals 31, St. Anns Road, Rotherham, South Yorkshire S65 1PF
Tel: 01709 914096
Italian lads who were friendly and put all the stuff in the rooms we wanted eg 3 storey house and moved a wardrobe somehow up there, would have broken me and my army of helpers!!
Yeah but only part of it is the moving (from what I understand - I am trying not to think too much about it), most of it is actually sorting the stuff out for him, putting curtains up, rebuilding furniture, all that crap.
The more I discuss this, the more I am beginning to realise there will have to be a time very soon when this is discussed openly with them.
Just do the English-way* - be busy.
*No I don't mean taking your shirt off and chanting football songs that he isnt singing and your not helping anymore whilst throwing stella cans at him
If I get a few Stellas out of him at the end of the day I will be happy 🙂
If I get a few Stellas out of him at the end of the day I will be happy
In that case, can I book you for february next year when I expect to be moving.......and I'll throw in a curry as well 😉
Good luck. IME (and you realise this already) he will have no idea that he has 'imposed' and you will come across as Mr Meany and the whole family will hate you for being so petty and unhelpful. My (ex) mother-in-law had a saying that "when you do someone a favour once, they are grateful, twice and they expect it every time". How true, I wish her bloody daughter would have taken heed. Bitter.....moi ? 🙄The more I discuss this, the more I am beginning to realise there will have to be a time very soon when this is discussed openly with them.
If I get a few Stellas out of him at the end of the day I will be happy
you subservience is quite easily bought then? if that's the case, why moan about him in the first place?
you subservience is quite easily bought then? if that's the case, why moan about him in the first place?
Cos I was being lighthearted I think (in saying some beer would make it all alright)....
As I mentioned earlier, sometimes we need to look after ourselves and ourn own priorities instead of other people and their's.
It's also important you qualify this with your missus. Ask the right questions and you'll get the right answers (on behalf of both of you).
Totally agree spacemonkey - knowing the long list of tasks to be done at our own home I really can't get my head around spending the day helping someone else but I have found myself being offered up to help and can't really do much to get out of this now. My wife does know (in no uncertain terms) that I am not at all happy about it though so I would be surprised if she would consider offering again unless it is being reciprocated.
knowing the long list of tasks to be done at our own home
There's an easy solution right there surely, know anyone who owes you any favours?
"sure, I'll help you move. I've got jobs x, y and z to do next month, when shall I expect you?"
Kill him. With death.
Is your missus helping too or is she expecting you to do everything ?
Is your missus helping too or is she expecting you to do everything ?
Ohh she will quite happily help where she can - she hasn't just put me up for this to walk away.
What I assume will happen is that her mum will end up with our two 1yr olds, her brother's 7 month old, 3 yr old and 5 yr old and we will all be doing the move, directed by my brother-in-law's wife (from previous experience of 'helping' them).
Hora, can I kill her with death and extra added pain please?
Well, I did my bit yesterday...
Before we set off I called and asked whether I should take any tools over with me 'no, we have absolutely everything we need here' they said.
So we dutifully went across and my first task was to put their daughter's cot together.
No problem.
Until I asked them if they had a screwdriver as I needed one to offer up a series of hidden bolts and turn them into position.
The sister-in-law said 'well we have never needed one'.
'But it does really need one to do it properly' I said.
Eventually using a mix of fingers and a children's plastic knife (I kid you not) I managed to get it put together.
She then comes back in and announces 'well (husband) always did end up swearing lots when he tried to put it together'.
Well yes, that's because he has always tried to do it without the u****ing screwdriver that is an essential tool!!!
Jeez - no wonder they needed help.
Ahh well, all done now and I shall be sure to stuff myself silly on free burgers and beer at their housewarming BBQ in a fe weeks time.
🙂
Ahh well, all done now and I shall be sure to stuff myself silly on free burgers and beer at their housewarming BBQ in a fe weeks time.
...assuming you get an invite!
Well he did tell me yesterday they were having one so I assume that was an invite of sorts.
I had better bloody well be 👿
...assuming you get an invite!
Oh, he'll get an invite alright - after-all, someone will have to assemble the BBQ before it can be used..... 😉
LOL I never thought of that 😆
😆
This thread reminds me of an old parable...
If you squeeze a sponge and water comes out, what do you do? You squeeze it again.
If water still comes out - you squeeze it again.
If no water comes out - you stop squeezing.
Oh, he'll get an invite alright - after-all, someone will have to assemble the BBQ before it can be used.....
And cook, and clean up afterward, and redecorate..
Really enjoyed reading this m_f, thanks.
Really enjoyed reading this m_f, thanks.
My pleasure - and it certainly helped me get things off my chest too.
Made me laugh yesterday when the sister-in-law showed me her great idea for extending 'we are going to build an extension to the main bedroom on top of the integral garage'.
Err no you are not - you are going to knock the integral garage (that has a single skin outer wall) down, dig down about 6ft to create proper foundations, put in RSJs and no end of other stuff before Building Control will sign off an extension like that.
Clueless. A generally nice family to be fair, but clueless. 🙂
Glad it made you smile - enjoy the BBQ!
[i]Ahh well, all done now and I shall be sure to stuff myself silly on free burgers and beer at their housewarming BBQ in a fe weeks time.
Well he did tell me yesterday they were having one so I assume that was an invite of sorts.[/i]
A girl in our office was telling me all about her wedding next week, do I take that as an invite?
Err no you are not - you are going to knock the integral garage
Err no you are not - [b]I am[/b] going to knock the integral garage
How can anyone not own a screwdriver??? Its pretty much the most basic tool there is. When they said they had all the tools they need, I wonder what was on that list 🙂
How can anyone not own a screwdriver???
they come in various sizes 🙂
[edit] and double up as chisel, prybar, drift etc...
How can anyone not own a screwdriver??? Its pretty much the most basic tool there is. When they said they had all the tools they need, I wonder what was on that list
Well they did have a Tommy Tippee plastic spoon 🙂
To be fair the toolbox was at the old house. He brought it back with him to the new house (unbeknown to me) after I had finished putting the cot together. We then went back to the old house and guess what - we needed some tools. 👿
Err no you are not - I am going to knock the integral garage
Shit - good point. I am busy that day/week/month.
SimonBarnes - exactly my point - they get used for everything, perhaps they are the most fundamental tool - so how can someone not have any and yet say they have a toolkit. 🙂
Midnight... ^^^^
To be fair the toolbox was at the old house. He brought it back with him to the new house (unbeknown to me) after I had finished putting the cot together. We then went back to the old house and guess what - we needed some tools.
so how can someone not have any and yet say they have a toolkit.
well, I have lots of bent, rounded and broken ones :o)