[Closed] How do you know when enough is enough in a marriage?

You obviously want to talk to someone since you have posted on here, so you might as well talk to someone who is trained and qualified to discuss such matters.

http://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-counselling/index.html

Kids involved?

If not get rid, move on, life's too short.

Sounds like she's not the 'right one', get out while there's minimal complications.

I spent far too long trying to hang on to my relationship with the first Mrs Balanced and when it finally ended it did get messy.

Has a trial separation ever worked for someone? Genuine question as I always see it as splitting up in stages.

I agree with PatriotPro, I'm currently divorcing.

If there are no children involved then ditch her,
Trial separation mean see if she can find someone better, I tried it people don't change unless they have to.

Love is difficult but buy a bike frame and built a bike you'll soon forget about her

Is she having a hard time at work/struggling with stress?

It really depends
IME it was about 18 months after it was obvious that enough was enough but kids were involved so neither wanted to admit this
Our relationshiop after seperation would have been better if we had split up sooner

I guess you try to work at it and if that does not work you need to face reality

Relate should help either way

Best of luck to you its it tough at the moment and I assure that whatever happens the future will be happier whether you stay together or split

I feel for you they were hard times and dark days so chin up.

Kids or no kids if the relationship is destructive you, your wife and potentially any children are better off out of it.

I think one of the major fears for people facing separation is being single whereas it's best to see it as being free, free from the atmospheres, the arguments, the second-guessing and the chance to do more of what you want, when you want with the people of your choice without any recourse.

Nobody else involved ... hmmm
Holding grudges suggest that it's time to move on.

If you are asking the question, then you are at the crossroads.

no one else involved - sounds suspect. life is too short to spend your time unhappy - having to second guess what she is up to is no way of living.

Wise words from Patriotpro. The worst thing that could happen is you don't face up the situation, bumble along, have a kid and then discover its all been a big mistake.

Its never easy, but there are so many other women out there that you could have a happy relationship with, so don't hang about get out and find her.

ime:
if she is suggesting a trial it means she has your replacement lined up but doesnt want to burn bridges with you in case they dont work out.
get rid and move on, i was afraid of being single but met someone else a few months later and im happier now (a decade later) than i ever was with the first mrs mac.
my daughter reports that her mother argues with the new boyfriend in much the same way she used to pick fights with me, so go figure where the problem was.

How do you know when enough is enough in a marriage?

How do you know when enough is enough in a marriage?

DrP

Not sure why everyone is being so negative. I've had rocky patches with my missus but we've come through them stronger than ever.

Surely Relate has got to be worth a go. Good luck.

ot sure why everyone is being so negative.

Not everyone is, in fact most, if not all of the above is very positive imo.

Relate is a good idea but only works if you're both willing. The way the op is worded, I get the impression she isn't.

if she is suggesting a trial it means she has your replacement lined up but doesnt want to burn bridges with you in case they dont work out.

If there are no children involved then ditch her,
Trial separation mean see if she can find someone better, I tried it people don't change unless they have to.

Doesn't sound very positive to me (and not the only examples). If you two loved each other enough to get married then surely it's worth working at. I agree it takes both parties though.

forget what she is saying OP, what do [b]you[/b] think?

deep down you, and you alone, know whether its worth your time and emotional involvement.

If it is then talk to her
If its not then begin the next part of your life today.

Whatever happens everything will be ok, and you will be ok too.

No-one else involved.

are you 110% sure?

(im not a troll and please don't take the above as having a pop)

Top tip: If she comes out with the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line, there's very likely somebody else. Also trial separations instigated by one party are usually a symptom of them just not having the balls to end it quickly, and there's very likely somebody else.

if she is suggesting a trial it means she has your replacement lined up but doesnt want to burn bridges with you in case they dont work out.

When and how long ago did the sex stop?

[s]lothario[/s] Lothoraio, you took your time to get to the real issue

I have to second the "Relate only works if both want it to work" thinking. My previous marriage had some input at the end from Relate, but my ex didn't really want to involve them, would not get involved when she did bother turning up and, in one case, downright lied to them.

If you think she is willing to work at the relationship, give it a go, but if she is already suggesting a trial separation, well, it might work, but see what happens when you suggest she moves out.

Sorry it's not more constructive.

Well from experience with friends of both sexes who went on to break up- the sex kinda stopped or became once every few weeks (and if so it was doing it for doing sake 'as it'd been a while').

Correlation does not equal causation hora. Lots of very happily married people don't have sex all the time. Apparently. 😳

Onzadog - Member
Has a trial separation ever worked for someone? Genuine question as I always see it as splitting up in stages.

Posted 2 hours ago # Report-Post

Yes; Mrs D and I split up for 5 months. In that time,while we did all the financial stuff that started to make divorce all the more likely,deep down we missed each other terribly, went to relationship Scotland (like relate,but deep-fried)and worked things through. Key is; you have to both want to repair the relationship and feel it is worth saving. All was an awful time for me so I feel for you and hope that whatever happens eventually makes you happy.For me I would put focus on short term things; out with the kids at weekends, up hills with mates.You will be spending alot more time on your own;stay busy and keep off the drink (two bits of advice I didn't follow at first)

Everyone has a sexdrive. It goes away only if you don't appreciate/take someone for granted and/or just go stale/don't want it. As soon as someone else is on the scene/appears that 'lost' drive suddenly becomes catch-up/full on again.

I say if it has dipped significantly - take the sign as a need to re-woo/reconnect/pamper before its too late. All IMO of course.

Everyone has a sexdrive. It goes away only if you don't (blah blah etc)

Not necessarily true. I've a friend who for all practical purposes doesn't have a sex drive, due to health / medical issues.

due to health / medical issues

Has a trial separation ever worked for someone? Genuine question as I always see it as splitting up in stages

yes

Hora it's not 'just' about sex y'know?

Ending a relationship is hard, but from my experience a clean break is best, don't call or see each other, don't do the whole "crying on each others shoulder thing" don't do once last fling, none of that. If your going then go.

Good luck OP and hope you sort things out

Grum +1 generally (for a nice change! 😉 )

So that's where "hora" came from!?!?

like relate,but deep-fried

Made me smile and glad it all worked out for you.

Thats not a normal/healthy "situation" though is it?

Key is; you have to both want to repair the relationship and feel it is worth saving.

I thought this bit was worth repeating.

what do you think

More importantly, what do you WANT? Sort that out, check if that it fits with Mrs T and then make a decision.

Whatever happens I wish you both all the best.

Grum - At the end of the day only the OP and his wife know the full details of the situation but I can't see giving the OP advice on how to become happy is anything but positive in my book, might not be the easiest way, but positive nontheless.

Short-term pain for long-term gain is the name of the game 8)

Things aren't getting any better then since your last thread, OP. At least the advice is a little more reasonable this time, car-park kiss to paternity test in a few pages the last time.

What will happen to the kids in the trial separation? If she goes off, fine. If you're expected to leave, think twice.

You obviously want to talk to someone since you have posted on here, so you might as well talk to someone who is trained and qualified to discuss such matters.

http://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-counselling/index.html

A major +1. They can help you both work out where you're at. Mail if you want more, but basically, go to Relate.

I'd recommend taking the marriage guidance option. I does give you an opportunity to open up in a neutral environment to see if you want to carry on. For me it confirmed that me and the misses were over when we couldn't admit it/communicate it to ourselves. If you agree to separate I'd recommend drawing up an agreement between yourselves that covers everything and give it to the lawyers. Saves a lot of cash. Best of luck! I'm now staring down the barrel of single life!

Being married to someone is not about loving them when they are at their best its about loving them when they are at their worst. You obviously thought this person was worth it at some point or you would not have married them.

People should realise when they get married they make certain promises which mean its not all about you anymore. So if your life feels crap for a bit, that's what the "for better for worse" thing is about. You don't promise to stay until something better comes along do you?

Your a team and sometimes you have to take one for the team. Its unlikely you will live and entire lifetime married to someone and it be perfect 100% of the time. Just because its crap now does not mean it will be crap tomorrow.

People give up too easily divorce should be the very very last resort not the first.

I am aware this might be contentious 🙂

I am aware this might be contentious

It's bollox. 😐

It's not bollox. Pretty rude thing to say really.

cinnamon_girl, why do you think its bollox ?

It could be bollox, if the situation was beyond repair, but it is true that people give up too easily....because they can! Our Parents didn't give up easily as there was stigma attached, as well as financial difficulties involved that have changed in recent times.

Having gone through this situation and out the other side, I am qualified to comment. I wonder how many other contributors have?

My advice would be to talk together, and with people who can help.
Don't run off and have an affair like I did...

So if your life feels crap for a bit

Exactly how do you define this? How crap does it need to be? And for how long? I don't imagine that anyone takes divorce lightly and the decision to end my marriage of a few decades was not taken lightly.

I am pleased that times have moved on and people don't need to stay together. Many of us can look at our parents' marriages and can work out whether that's what we want or not dependent on the state of said marriage.

People evolve, some find themselves, others don't. Some paths diverge quickly, others long term.

Let's not forget that the over 50's (of which I am one) has the fastest growing divorce rate. Why do you think that is?

Let's not forget that the over 50's (of which I am one) has the fastest growing divorce rate. Why do you think that is?

Is it because you're old and grumpy? 😆

Let's not forget that the over 50's (of which I am one) has the fastest growing divorce rate. Why do you think that is?

Wrinkly genitalia? Traded in for a smoother model?

Let's not forget that the over 50's (of which I am one) has the fastest growing divorce rate. Why do you think that is?

Personally I think its because people are far more selfish than they used to be.

Exactly how do you define this? How crap does it need to be? And for how long? I don't imagine that anyone takes divorce lightly and the decision to end my marriage of a few decades was not taken lightly.

I don't know how long, but longer than a lot of people try.

Don't get me wrong if your in an abusive relationship then I think the other person forfeits any rights they

The idea when you get married is that you can build a life together plan for the future etc etc. If you can't rely on that what can you rely on?

For every one person who is happy "escaping" a marriage there is often another party battered wondering WTF just happened. So my take on it is if you don't like the rules don't join the club !!

So I take it you would never get married again then cinnamon_girl?

😀 @crikey

Just because its crap now does not mean it will be [s]crap[/s] better tomorrow.

It all depends people change, they become different people , they want different things
With my [ ex] wife she changed. She would argue i never grew up and I would argue she become unrecognisable and transformed into another person. It may be bit of both...thing is put us together today and we would not be mates never mind married. No amount of trying can make you like someone you just dont get on with

People give up too easily divorce should be the very very last resort not the first.

Reality is we just dont like each other and no amount of wishing is/was going to change that

It depends on the people tbh you cannot make sweeping statements that they dont try or it will get better. It could be either - work hard or cut your losses- STW does love black and white answers mind to every scenario

I had a lengthy separation from MrsD, who I've now been back with for a few years.

The only thing I'd chip in with is about Relate. The counsellor you see first time around may, or may not, be any good. We saw one guy for a year before I walked out. It wasn't his fault, but he allowed my wife to run rings around him, alienated me and certainly did nothing for the relationship.

When we were experimenting with getting back together, we saw a different guy (not through Relate) who was much, much better. He called bullsh*t on a lot of things my wife told him, and was far better at getting into her head. I strongly suspect if we had seen the right counsellor in the first place we could have made better progress.

It's very hard to have a sane conversation with someone about whether the horrendous marriage counselling session you just endured was horrendous because you hate one another or because the counsellor is a pillock, but it's one to bear somewhat in mind.

🙂

The idea when you get married is that you can build a life together plan for the future etc etc. [b]If you can't rely on that what can you rely on?[/b]

You are definitely going to die. And when you are dead you will definitely be dead forever.

Does that help? 🙂

+1 to Junkyard and sweeping statements, I will contest that I am being quite sweeping and that its not going to be 100% for all.

+1 to BigDummy and needing to get the right counselor, if you get the wrong one it can be damaging instead of helpful.

<hug> to cinnamon_girl as I don't know your circumstances and its churlish of me to think I know better than you in your own life !!!

Is it because you're old and grumpy?

Not all all crikey! I am, however, a bit of an awkward cah. 😀

Personally I think its because people are far more selfish than they used to be.

I disagree and feel that it's cos times have moved on and there's no shame in admitting that it didn't work/wanted different things etc etc.

The idea when you get married is that you can build a life together plan for the future etc etc. If you can't rely on that what can you rely on?

Many of us are guilty of naivety. Nobody knows what the future holds. As I said before, we're continually evolving.

So I take it you would never get married again then cinnamon_girl?

Correct. Me and my bikes are happy as we are. Funnily enough, my friends who are a similar age have also questioned the state of their marriages and, in one case, just puts on a facade.

Times have changed for women.

🙂

I disagree and feel that it's cos times have moved on and there's no shame in admitting that it didn't work/wanted different things etc etc.

I think that's true and in many cases a good thing but I think there's also now a bit of a 'me, me, me' culture of entitlement, where people think they deserve to be 100% happy all the time - and where people are constantly yearning for an imaginary perfect life.

Not saying this applies to you or in every case, obviously.

I also believe that not everyone is cut out for cohabiting.

I agree with CG that people do change - massively in my case.
The fact my ex stated "I'm not the young girl you fell in love with anymore" was obvious. I didn't like who she had become.
Her values, wants, needs, etc had changed hugely and there was never going to be a way I could meet them.
Add a BFE that lavished her with attention - I was in a losing battle.
We are better friends now than ever and my girls are far happier without all the crap that goes with two people that can't be around each other.
You have to do what is right for you - NOT anyone else.

How do you know when enough is enough in a marriage?

When your world-famous husband blurts out to the world that he got his herpes from oral sex.

Evidently, not with your world-famous self... 😆

[i]Hora it's not 'just' about sex y'know? [/i]

Spot the woman posting...