[Closed] How do you deal with your mothers death?

Grief tends to be in stages and it would seem you have started grieving already but an't move on yet.

The pain will lesson in time. Professional help can really help ( or your favourite spiritual advisor )

To feel sad is normal. What you are feeling is normal. You will feel better in time= but you are right in that you may never "get over it" but you will learn to cope. life changing events change you and loss of parents is one. PM me if yo want to talk more - this is the world I live in looking after peoples dying parents.

time is a great healer

Look after yourself , that is really important.

It eases with time, as TJ says but ten years down the line I'm still thinking 'Oh, I'll just phone mum...' and then I realise that I can't really do that. The worst bit for me was seemingly losing a sibling who somehow thought that when mum went I'd not want to know them anymore. That was hard and is still perhaps being resolved.

Dude, you will get over it. You will get over it because life moves on, there are no options to NOT get over it. But it doesn't matter what I or anyone else says on here, because until you go through it, you don't know what it's like to go through it. Have faith in yourself, amigo - make the most of the time you have left with her, and have faith that you will get through this. It is not going to be easy, and there's no moment when you wake up and go "oh! I'm over it!", but life goes on, and time softens memories. You will never not think of her, but there will come a time when you can look beyond her passing. Peace, happiness and love to you and yours, more than happy to chat off the forum if you want.

You know that thread earlier about abandoning posts. I just did that because I'm not sure I want to post what I'm feeling.

I'm in much the same situation o.p.
My thoughts are with you.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Tragically if life runs as it should we all do at some point. My mum is still here but my father passed away 5 1/2 years ago at exactly the same age as your mum. 5 1/2 years on I'd say you never get over it, but it does change. It does get easier and less powerful without feeling like you are letting them down but not hurting so much if that makes sense.

Very little advice I can give you as we all are different and the circumstances differ too. But.....

In the run up and aftermath I consumed myself with everyone else's welfare, especially my mum's and getting everything sorted. To be honest I probably repressed my own most raw emotions and it didn't properly hit me for six months.

I went through a phase of being really angry with him for dying badly! By that I mean not getting his affairs in order, not having conversations with people that mattered about how he wanted things left, not leaving anyone a note or saying goodbyes when he had a chance. Later I realised that he was not equipped to do these things either with the physically energy or the state of mind. I could have helped him by starting conversations when he felt unable to do it and offering to do the leg work. He died afraid and in denial and I could have made that better.

Make these weeks count. If at all possible make some happy memories. In reality, these are as much for you as they are for your mum. The stupidest silly events or trips were hugely powerful. We put him in a car and drove him 2hrs to the West coast to Ullapool to eat chips and watch the sunset wrapped in a blanket and drive straight back. Still gives me goosebumps thinking about it. Give her opportunity to challenge what she can still physically do to generate last experiences.

Don't leave anything unsaid. I did and it haunts me. You have the 'gift' of knowing its coming that not everyone gets. Use it.

Take care of yourself too. It's exhausting.

It will be tough.
Find people to talk to and offload onto; I've used the Samaritans many times because they're a great listening service, non-judgemental, always available 24/7/365, confidential.
Find the happy memories, the family photos; put them in a special place in your memory which you go to when you need to.
My Mam's 20th anniversary is near; I looked through some family photos a couple of days ago. Jeez, did I cry but I also took strength and solace for them.
I would also be happy to talk/email offline - see profile for details.
Be strong.
Crying is really helpful - it took me decades to understand and accept that.

Firstly, very coragueous for putting yourself out there like this. My Mum died 15 months ago after a short battle with Ovarian cancer and I kind of never really stopped at the stage you are at now, I sort of just got on with it, for a multitude of reasons including being supposedly strong for my Mum and our collective families.

I definitely have moments where I struggle with what’s happened and that results in me being not quite myself. I also have very dark thoughts at times; will often see the negative side a bit more than I used to. Also seeing death had such a profound effect that I try to avoid bad news stories. Recently I’ve given myself a kick up the arse, identified I need a bit of professional support and am seeking it out, and this is largely coz I could see my wife and children were effected by my behaviours. I hadn’t realised I’d been so different this past year.
Sorry to blather but in answer; talk to someone impartial with some grief counselling skills, talk to your family and loved ones, if poss talk to your mum as much as you can about anything you want. You’ll deal with it in your own way, in your own time. Best wishes.

But i really can't escape the feeling this is something i'll never get over, it'll just always be there.

You'll likely be permanently changed by the bereavement and if my experience of losing my partner is similar it'll hurt like hell for months if not years and you may well go to a very dark place indeed. But little by little the dark periods will get shorter and shallower and the manageable bits between them will become more manageable until they eventually come to feel a little bit normal and you start having brighter days and weeks. I will promise you that things do get better but there's no time scale that comes with that promise.

My way of coping was to convince myself that it was a process that would at some point end or at least become manageable and if I spent the day in tears or start to get anxious or welling up in the supermarket for no apparent reason then so be it. It's all part of that process. I only consciously put on a brave face at the funeral and that was because I had a job to do and it was the only way to get through it other than that there was no attempt to hide my emotions from anyone.

That might not be right for everyone but allowing myself to be sad if I was sad and angry if I was angry worked for me. No bottling up of emotions positive or negative has been and continues to be my rule number one.

Some people swear by counselling, I've got friends that said it helped them and others that really didn't get on with it. I never felt like it was an avenue I wanted to go down but you might and when the time comes you should definitely explore it.

Bregante - Member
You know that thread earlier about abandoning posts. I just did that because I'm not sure I want to post what I'm feeling.

I'm in much the same situation o.p.
My thoughts are with you.

Really sorry to hear that Bregante, all the best to you and yours. Know what you mean, think the above is about the 4th draft and I hovered over the button a long time..

To everyone else, a lot good thoughts, this is very helpful, thanks.

Oh, and to echo TJ ^^^ you may never 'get over it' but you will find ways of coping.
Always try to think of happier days.
The 'older generation' would always say '....I don't want you crying over me when I'm gone'. I believe those words were always meant - I've had my time now you get on and live your life; say a prayer and think of me.

Bregante, this post and my earlier ^^^ are also for you.

It’s certainly a defining moment.... and life is never the same again.

The bond with my mother was special she was and still is the most inspirational person I’ve ever met.

Thankfully I got to tell her this...and whilst I know this is not always possible for everyone, I urge people to say all you can to your loved ones NOW... because as the cliche states, we don’t know what is round the corner.

I’m a lone working Paramedic, and in the darkest hours of my job and when I’m very much alone, she’s there helping me do the right thing.

I constantly see glimpses of her in patients, at first this was tough... and I cried a lot at certain jobs, which rather than detract or hinder my treatment - actually gave a deep connection that allowed strength and love to flourish.

I guess the over sumplified stupid answer is "you just do" I havent yet and cant imagine what it will really be like, but when you lose people it seems impossible that you will move on from the way you feel at that time. But it is just a fact of life and something we all have to deal with at some point... Look after yourself and just try and enjoy the time you have.

My grandad is in a similar position, I`m going to visit him tomorrow as I never know when it will be my last chance at the moment...

It is something you'll never really get over, that's just how it is.

You will learn to live with it and you'll be okay, but it will take time, and it will cut you deeply. Maybe not in an obvious way. The key thing I found is to think how she would want you to go on. Don't go to crazy over it.

It's a weird time, I was about 27 when I lost my mum, long drawn out internal injuries after a car crash, was not good but we had chance to say goodbye properly, and held her hands when we withdrew treatment.

Personally I dealt with the immediate shock by going on a 6 month party binge. I wouldn't nessesarily recommend that, you'll find your own coping mechanisms.

Sorry that's really crap advice, I'll post something better tomorrow, but when it's someone so close, it's difficult, it's still difficult for me to talk about it.

I am so sorry to read what you have written, seosamh77, but glad you have written it.

I lost my dad a couple of years ago at around the same age and in a similar way to what you are describing with respect to your mum.

I can only say that, if you have had a good relationship, and there are things you are thankful for in terms of what she gave you, there will be a bittersweet side to your sadness.

It is, and will be, painful for you, but think on what she has given you, and eventually allow yourself to smile through the tears.

Finally, do take care of yourself as well. I had already started to sink into depression before my dad died, but then plummeted afterward. Don't forget to look out for yourself.

In the meantime, very best wishes from the Saxon household to you and yours.

EDIT: PM sent.

The other thing I would say is talking is good. You rfriends will find it hard to start conversations about it and you will feel reluctant to burdon them. don't. a good friend will want to help and to talk to you but few know how. start the convrsations. Use folk like me or others who offer support. I don't do it for show - I do it because I mean it.

Sorry to hear about your mum, seosamh77. I'm sure I've posted this here before, but it's something that's helped me with the intense grief of losing a loved one:

I wish I could say you get used to people dying, but I don't think you can. I don't want to get used to it. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a place, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or arriving some place you both held special. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

Hope that helps.

Others have said it all but the reality for me losing my dad was that it was tough.
Am I though the worst of it nearly six years later? Yes. Do I still cry about it? Yes.
How often is he on my mind? Daily.
Do I still sometimes think I need to call him. Sometimes and that is often the lead up to a few tears.
Have I been as happy as when he was alive? Definitely.

What does this mean for you? I think it means that for most people it is very hard but we do live happily again. On the short term you go through the hours and days beforehand and they are draining and the. It happens and it leaves you washed out and totally drained, but there is a good life still there for you when you are ready.

I'm really sorry to hear of your situation OP. I haven't read all of the other responses, so I may be reinforcing a previous suggestion.

My mother died from a terminal illness just over 6 years ago. From the time she was finally correctly diagnosed, she was stage 4 and we had no idea how much longer she had. Communication from the health professionals was poor. Palliative care was even worse. My sister and I cared for her and for all three of us, it was the most magical, wonderful ( and I use that word because we made it so) and deeply emotional few months.

We talked, we shared, we talked more. We reminisced, we looked at old photos with dad in them and we laughed and cried together, all the time. All three of us spent our time with honesty and love at our core, which I'd love to say was how we had always been, but not.

We told each other things that had been left unsaid, we spoke of our fears, we talked about death - my mother was agnostic having been raised a Catholic, so she had issues with God and death anyway! I believe we all said what we needed to be said, so that when mum did finally take her last breath, for which both my sister and I were present, we whispered our tearful goodbyes knowing that in many ways, there was nothing more to say.

For both myself and my sister, this has made the whole grief and bereavement process much easier, I have felt closure, I still have moments where my tears flow, but they are generally because I'm remembering the good times, not my guilt at never having done or said x or y.

Tell your mother you love her and you'll undoubtedly miss her, hug her, look into her eyes and speak your truth.

For me I found her illness far worse than her actual death. It almost felt like I'd got a lot of my grieving done and had prepared myself a bit better than had it been sudden, if that makes sense. Not that I don't miss her, but I was far closer to acceptance than the shock/anger stages of grief by the time it actually happened. I also got to know when I was saying goodbye (the worst bit) because she was in Spain and I had to fly back to the UK in the knowledge that I probably wouldn't make it back again before she actually died (I didn't)

For me I found her illness far worse than her actual death. It almost felt like I'd got a lot of my grieving done and had prepared myself a bit better than had it been sudden, if that makes sense. Not that I don't miss her, but I was far closer to acceptance than the shock/anger stages of grief by the time it actually happened.

Same for me.. My mum died just before Xmas, but it had been a long long time coming and for her, i was actually glad it was over. Sad time in some ways, but a good time too as it stopped her pain and heartache.

I don't really do the grieving thing, i was obviously very sad at the funeral, but overall, i've just missed her but think of the good stuff, the good times.

I feel for you as I’m having similar thoughts rights now.

About 14 months ago, mum was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. The first few months were positive, and me, my brother and her got to go and see the Northern Lights - memories I’ll treasure forever.

Since the summer she’s been in steady decline, she wasn’t able to visit China for my brother’s wedding but was able to watch via video. She made it to his ‘English’ wedding in November and did a lot of the planning.

I think we’ve all done our share of crying at the most ridiculous things lately.

Since the cancer has been attacking her brain stem she gets very confused and is now confined to bed or a wheelchair.

We all know the end is coming, the only saving grace is that she isn’t in pain. To be honest, I hope she doesn’t hold on too long (my wife’s mother took 4 months to die in similar circumstances).

We remember the good times and just hold her hand through what she’s going through now.

Her candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
It gives a lovely light!

My mum died at 66 ten years ago. It's all been said above but the truth is you don't get over it, it just becomes a new normal. It fundamentally changed me, gave me a far stronger sense of empathy and humility. In some ways I'm now living my life with more caution and less aspiration/ambition, which I'd like to tackle.

Sorry to read about your mum's situation. It does lessen, but every so often something will come along and I think mum would like to know about that. Some days we talk about my mum and regret that she never saw the people her grand children became. Other days a song will come on Spotify and I'll dissolve (stay away from 'Supermarket Flowers' by the Ginger Suffolk lad unless you want a really good cry).
It's 17 years since mum refused all future treatment and stopped taking her prescribed drugs. Cancer is shit.

The flying ox - I love the wave analogy. One of the best ways of putting it I have seen.
I may steal that. thank you

It's all been said above but the truth is you don't get over it, it just becomes a new normal. It fundamentally changed me, gave me a far stronger sense of empathy and humility. In some ways I'm now living my life with more caution and less aspiration/ambition, which I'd like to tackle.

Sorry to hear about your mum OP, its an awful thing. Chat with folk you know, on here as you have if needed.

I lost my mum nearly 17 years ago. I know this as the day after she died we found out that we were pregnant with her first grandchild. She was desperate to be a gran, and the thing that still hurts the most is she never knew she actually was - and that my kids know her as 'gran we never met'.

I don't think grief completely goes away. I've dulled to it, become the normal. That said my mum was very ill, in pain and struggling. I didn't want her to suffer more than she already had. At the time it hurt but was a relief.

When I stop and think about it, it still cuts deep at times. Things like holidays, the kids passing an exam, Christmas, my dad struggling with illness alone etc. But most of the time life is busy and positive - so I find I don't remember to think about her so much.

Make the most of your chance to say what needs to be said.

My mother had 2 years of palliative chemo, and that gave us the chance to talk. It helped me to cope afterwards because I didn’t think “I wish I’d told her that...”

To be honest, the other thing that made it easier for me was that when she was ill, she wasn’t a very nice person. In effect, the person we’d loved died before she’d even been diagnosed, but it’s only with hindsight that we could say that. It meant that we’d started grieving before she died, and the last few days of her life were unpleasant enough that we could only be glad for everyone’s sake that it was over.

That said, five years later, I still wish I could talk to her (usually when I know I need a kick up the backside!) and the mental bruise is still there; I just don’t knock it as often as I used to.

So much sorrow in the world.
Nothing to add but im sorry to hear you are going through this OP.

Having lost both parents (69 and 70) in the last nine years all I can say is that things do get better. We’re all different and deal with things differently but we all (usually) have an inbuilt coping mechanism. I actually found it easier when they did die - I think that’s when the mechanism switched on for me.

I am also just about to find out - mum was diagnosed with an aggresive cancer before xmas and given 'months' to live and she's refused the chemo.

Things looked bad earlier as she got that cold that has been going round (gave it to me and the stone mason) but she's recovered from that now.

We are all quite matter-of-fact in our family and typicaly she's given names to the lumps in her stomach and she's contracted the stone mason in order to design her headstone. He says it is quite refreshing to actually be able to work with the 'client'.

The main thing for me is that she 'goes' in as best a manner as possible - she's 80 and perhaps this rapid cancer is a blessing compared to the other possibilities - like dementia, etc. The day she told me I had been seeing pairs of magpies all day (2 for joy).

We were all there for my fathers death in hospice and watching him choke to death because he couldn't be helped to an earlier death wasn't nice.

She's got the same outlook as me (father had asked for her to smuggle in a load of sleeping pills to the hospice but the nurse found them) and although she cried when my father went at 76, she was in more of a state when the cat went.

And weirdly I started seeing a lady who works in palliative care about the same time as she told me of the cancer and prognosis.

Stayed with her over xmas and new year, seeing her again this weekend. I'm not that close but my sister and nephew are.

Talk. Here, with mates, wherever. We all react differently, don't feel alone or isolated because you aren't.

You won't be the same after, but there will be an "after". You'll come out the other side, normal will be a different normal.

Grief is the price we pay for love.

take as much video of her as you can. If you have kids video them with her, document a whole day out?! My mum died and I wish I had more video oher. Peace, love and happiness (some of the time)

My Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer 6 years ago come February. she died 6 months later. Between us, my Sister, Brother and I managed to keep her at home until the final two weeks; looking after her in shifts. There's nothing like bed bathing your own mother to get you talking and seeing the funny side of things. I felt better that I had helped my Mum when she needed us. As others have said, talk to her tell her everything now while she can hear you. We also bought a book, from me to you type thing. It had lots of Questions for Grandma to answer, things the kids wouldn't be able to ask her later in life "What was your favourite childhood game" etc.
The grief will hit you at the weirdest times. For example my daughter, who was 9 at the time, decided to host a MacMillan Coffee morning to raise money for them as they'd looked after her Grandma. The thing that hit me was the person who'd be most excited to attend would have been my Mum!

+1 for video's, you forget what they sound like 🙁

How I got through it, Wife decided to have an affair at the same time so I was preoccupied dealing with that. I don't recommend that as a solution.

everyone deals with grief differently, (deleted the rest sorry, too many memories).

Memories of your mum never leave you, even when her physical presence has,

best wishes for the future

Me too - my mum died 15 years ago. She was 51, I was 23. I think about her and miss her every day.

I still think of stuff I want to tell her, and it helps that I've got a big picture of her that I can kind of talk to. She was the glue that held the family together in lots of ways and we've drifted apart a bit over the years.

I use 'would this make mum proud?' as a way of helping with major decisions about stuff and this makes it feel like she still helps me to shape my life.

I hope you're able to have some fun together in the time she has left.

Best wishes

seosamh77, I'm in an almost identical position to you. Although we have known for years that this time would come it is not making it any easier to deal with. At the moment it feels like there is a permanent black cloud floating around my head. Even at what should be happier times I'm struggling to escape the gloom. Shortly going to need to start a shift pattern to try and keep her at home as long as possible. My biggest concern at the moment is how we explain whats happening to our eldest (nearly 6 years old) who is really close to her grandma.

My biggest concern at the moment is how we explain whats happening to our eldest (nearly 6 years old) who is really close to her grandma

I didn't have kids when my mum died. Now I do. I really wish I'd made some videos with her so they could get to know her a bit.

We have some video but probably not enough.

took my mum into a care home today - probably just for a while, as my dad's in hospital.

He's the (remaining) brains of the partnership and she's the (forgetful) arms and legs; she's just not safe without him. She's not gone but her mental game is fading and her sharpness is what made her stand out (sure, love, tolerance and wisdom but all mothers have that, I think).

I'm sort of grieving in anticipation for both of them - shouldn't moan, combined age is 180.

Can't remember that last time I cried. Before this week.

Hugs all round.

This is a really great thread, thanks people, much more than I expected, I'm sure i'll reread this a few times over the coming weeks and months..

And thoughts to everyone else in a similar position or still dealing with things, my heart goes out to you all.

[quote=seosamh77]How do you deal with your mothers death?
Badly, it would seem in my case. I've been in tears at my desk reading this thread bit by bit through the day - a couple of posts at a time, then take a break to compose myself and do some work. I recognise an awful lot of what's been said - Mum died six weeks ago after a diagnosis of aggressive cancer a few months ago and while we knew her death was coming, it was still hard to deal with. I've still not sorted myself out - but then it's only been six weeks. I do recognise though that you don't "get over it", it's like when we finally accepted we wouldn't be having children: it's something you learn to live with rather than something you get over.

Ill be having another good read through the thread when I can get enough time but there's some awfully good advice I've seen. The most important point I can say now is spend as much time as you can with you mum while she's still there for you. Make her life as enjoyable for her as it can be and you will reap the rewards.

*hugs*. You'll need them

A very useful source of information regarding bereavement:

[url= http://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org/ ]The Good Grief Trust[/url]

A few years ago we got a phone call from my dad to say met mum had taken badly ill. He put her on to the phone and I said I was coming straight over (we live about 70 miles away). She told me not to be so stupid and that I wasn't to drive at that time of night.

We went over anyway but by the time we got there she was unconscious and had been taken into hospital. We stayed with her overnight but she never came round and died the next morning.

At the risk of sounding flippant, it both comforts and amuses me that the last words she ever said to me were to nag me about something. It seems kind of fitting.

My wife who is 49 was diagnosed with melanoma cancer just before Christmas. We're waiting for the results of her lymph node biopsy to see if it's spread, so I know how exausting emotions can be. I lost my dad many year's ago as well so all I can say is, it does get easier as time passes.

It's always a shock. Lost brother in law in his mid 40s from an aggressive brain tumour, from healthy to dead in about 4 weeks. Father in law from lung cancer but it was stage 4 by the time it caused him issues and he died very soon after. Last few weeks were horrible. Mother in law has been living on the edge for 10 years, heart attacks, stroke but is still going. Slow deterioration and not much of a life stuck in a chair with little mobility. My wife says she 'Lost' her mum 10 years ago as she hasn't Been that person since. It will still be a shock. She is more likely to die from a chest infection or flu so we keep away when we are ill.

Not a good time for you but think positive it won't be a lingering death.

My biggest concern at the moment is how we explain whats happening to our eldest (nearly 6 years old) who is really close to her grandma

My understanding ( I have no direct experience of this however) is that kids respond best to a simple matter of fact explanation and actually accept it better than adults. don't use the "going to sleep" tho - it could scare the kids from sleeping themselves.

Really feel for you, sitting reading this thread in a Birmingham curry house sniffling away. Lost my dad 2009 and last words we had weren’t good. Only really admitted 2 weeks ago how angry I am and now dealing with it. This just set me off, not the two pints of Cobra !

Best of luck Joe

Lost my father a few years back and am facing similar situation with my very dear mother too.

I would echo the comments re grief affecting people in different ways and at different times. I was/am very close to my parents so losing them was/is tough

I mentioned the Tibetan book on living and dying on another thread. My dad had a very strong faith and did not fear dying at all. This was a great message for us. But I also wanted him to know that he could pass in peace when he was ready - a message from the book. He was pretty much unconscious when I did this but I held his hand in hospital and told him that he was free to go and that he had done an awesome job as a dad and husband and that we would look after mum. I wanted him to be at peace (even though I didn’t want him to go really but that was selfish). Even through he wasn’t there consciously he still squeezed my hand. It was an important moment

I miss him a lot. But I still talk to him every day. I know the day when the grief changed. There was a specific moment of peace - great peace when I let him go too. It was many months after he died. So the pain has gone or at least is very different and manageable. You do cope in the end.

I have no idea if it will be the same with my mum. I dread it very much. But she too is close to a point where she needs to be at peace and with my dad. I need to tell her that too.

No idea if this helps. Just some thoughts while my train journey finishes. But if there is a message it’s

1. You will go through the grieving process in you own way and at your own pace. It’s unique but others can help you at the same time

2. Don’t be afraid to let her go - this might not be an appropriate comment, so excuse me if it comes across wrongly

Either very best wishes to you both

(P.s miss the debates )

First, OP, you have my sympathies.

I lost my mum a year past July to lymphoma. She went through 1course of chemo (1/2CHOP?), given all clear (well, depending on which doc you talked to) which came back about a year later. 2nd chemo hit her for six and it was palliative steroids only and wait for the inevitable.

She was amazing, never complained about how she felt, always said that every day was a bonus and she’d had a decent life. The end was quick, deterioration really accelerated the last week. I was lucky to be off work and able to nip in past pretty much every day for some extent over her last 10 days. She was very out of sorts the last day. She answered questions as if she didn’t understand them, non-commital, vague. Except at one point she looked right at me and asked, ‘this is Friday, isn’t it?’. It was. I went home in a state of some distress, I hated to see her so not herself. And feared she was losing her sense of herself.

She collapsed during the night or early morning. She didn’t make it to the hospital (my dad, bless him, stopped them de fibbing as she had a DNR).

I was relieved for her (her pain and suffering had stopped, she had been spared being lashed up to machines to keep her going, she’d have hated that) and, obviously distressed myself. My dad was poorly (he died 12days later) so I was the responsible adult and took over all the arrangements. I found solace in being the one to shoulder the burden and it helped me cope. My real distress was only alleviated when I caught up with the Loon, comfort in closeness.

So, do what you can, be as forgiving of what comes and giving of yourself as you can (I reproached myself for not having done enough,but in reality I could never have managed to do ‘enough’). Be there for her. Give of your heart.

There is definitely a void still. And I miss her. It has lessened though, over the while.

As long as by your actions your mum knows you love her, there isn’t really anything more.

Best wishes.

I ride my bike and think of her a lot. Then I sometimes think "I haven't phone mother for ages" and then I think "Oh, she's dead!".

My (almost twin) sister died of melanoma two years ago this week, and six months later so did my mother from the same. This after a few years of regular treks with them both to oncologists. My father died at 29, so, myself, mother and two sisters grew up very close. Tell your mother what you think of her, enjoy your time together.

It's not possible to prepare. My stepfather was married for 13 days. I spend a lot of time riding my bike. I don't find talking about it helps. but I love to talk about them both to my nephews and nieces.

"One day we are going to die, it will be like any other day. Except shorter" Samuel Beckett.

It's part of living, but a few more years would have been nice, quite a few for my sister.

How are you getting on?

Been thinking about you today....

Aye THM; we've gone a bit off topic.
Seosmah - stay strong, we're thinking of you.

Aye I'm doing fine, thanks for asking, bit more level headed this last day or so, emotions are still a bit of a roller coaster and can change fairly quickly. But tbh this thread has helped more than you lot know, just reading through the experiences, opinions and thoughts(Which I've done multiple times) here have been amazing for me. It's been a bit of a catalyst for me opening up about it a wee bit more to people. Which does help. Although in saying that, I'm well aware i'm not there yet, it's still to actually happen, so we'll take that as it comes in the weeks, months and years ahead.

But last couple of days, in general have been ok, my mum is on morphine as and when she wants it now, so she's very sleepy, which while heart breaking, I kinda take some hope from that that she might actually just drift off in her sleep when the time comes, and I really hope that how she is at the moment means she won't be in agony and her death will be a peaceful one, I dunno, fingers crossed.

She's still got it up there though and is, despite her troubles, still the same person, so even through sleepiness, I am/we are still able to have wee moments with her. Luckily my work is being very accommodating there, giving me time and allowing me the mornings to go and see her and start later, means I can get up to the hospital twice per day.

Just a case of taking things day by day and being about for her and the family really.

I wasn't really intending on replying much to this thread, but as I say, it's helped a lot to open up(something I don't naturally do), thanks again, everyone.

It's a weird but for most people unavoidable situation, when my mum actually went it was kinda expected, I just felt a bit numb and vague about life in general. I was questioning myself why I wasn't massively upset at the time.
I actually was massively upset and I still am, but the upset will manifest in different ways, for different people.

Don't be afraid to lean on your friends a bit.

Horrible place to be Seosamh, been there myself. My Mum was diagnosed with that shit & died a year later (2001). The night she died we all had fish & chips! I think we all felt so relieved that she was ok & was away from all the pain & discomfort.
I still can't forgive her though, for not writing down all her fantastic secret recipes!
All the 'top' chefs on telly have nowt on my Mums cooking!

Takes a while to get around to it but you'll end up remembering her with a big smile on your face, rather than tears.

(says me, bubbling over a laptop) 🙄

@seosamh, you will manage this in your own way when the time comes.
There is no right or wrong way.
A suggestion.....gather together some family photos and go through them with your mum - assuming that both you and she are ok with family 'stuff'.
Get someone to take photos of you both together - every few days.
Make sure you find some time for quiet contemplation; could be anywhere at any time.
I always go into a church when I need that special time - not because I'm particularly religious but it works for me.
It took me years to cry properly.
Don't supress or repress your emotions - let go of them; shout, rant, cry and don't be embarrassed in doing it.

Honestly, just over 12 months on from my mothers death I'm still not dealing with it. Knew it was inevitable 2 years before the day due to a disease diagnosis. In my former job i saw death every day and thought i could deal with it but ive found I'm much more emotional since. It's affected me greatly & i think about her every day and it brings me to tears when i reminisce about her with my dad. Yes the pain has lessened but I'm still grieving.
The worst thing was having to act like an adult and sort out her affairs and arrange funeral when i still think of her as a grown up and I'm her little boy! I hate having to be sensible and a grown up.
Good luck OP death of a loved one is the only certainty in life sadly

It's heartbreaking reading this thread but also heartwarming to see the sharing of sympathy and concern for others.

In my case (father) I needed to give something, eg. volunteer. The best way for me was to start leading health walks in the hope that one person may end up having a healthier lifestyle and not die so young. In the end I ended up as a council walk leader.
Every time I took the walkers out it was to help them, help me and remembering my father, who was a massive countryside, bird and wildlife lover.
As others have said time does heal but the memories will remain.

The sad comment is it is unlikely to be easy. Wasnt for me. Especially since it happened pretty quickly since unfortunately my mum was the stoic type who wouldnt complain about those aches and pains and with a deep suspicion about doctors so by the time she admitted it.
As others have said though the hurt lessens over time that doesnt help in the short term. In my case it was alleviated somewhat by having to give lots of support to my dad who was completely lost.
Last year my sister in law died aged only 40 (****ing cancer) with two young kids. I hate to think what they are still going through.

It's hard. Really chuffing hard but you figure it out.

I was 13 when my mum lost her battle with cervical cancer. It was so hard watching a very fit, active strong lady fade away. A few years previous to her diagnosis she'd left my drunken, abusive father and found someone else. We lived on a small holding in the Dalby forest. My mum went from a lady used to looking after animals, cutting logs for the fire to being virtually bed bound. On the day she passed, she was at home with family; me my younger sister, her mum and dad one of my uncles, her youngest brother and his soon to be wife. It was very peaceful and calm.

At the time I was angry for her not fighting any more, but looking back now it was no life. She was on a machine that administered morphine and set intervals, needed a commode in her room etc. She must have known that it was coming because she'd written letters to me and my sister. After she'd passed a member of our extended family drove up to Yorkshire to pick me and my sister up. We cried all the way to Beaconsfield where we'd now be living with my mums parents.

The first Christmas was really tough, as was the first anniversary but they gradually got easier. The big anniversaries hit me the hardest; 10 years then 20 years. I've spent most of my life without my mum. The memories do fade a bit; I struggle to remember what she sounded like but I still talk to her / ask he fir help. I have lots of fond memories like her cooking, the last Christmas with her when family came to stay and it snowed it's balls off and the we're stuck for four days or arguing with my sister about who got so snuggle up in the sofa with her. The birth of our little dude was super hard; I cried all the way back because my mum wouldn't meet Toby. He knows about her though and talks snout nanny Sue who is a star in the sky.

You'll find a way to get through it, treasure the good memories and try and make as many new ones whilst you can.

Glad that you are ok and that the thread is helping

One practical note which may be countered by medical
folk on here but simply meant to help and can be ignored

Take advice on “final moments”. With my dad there was a point when we though he was dying at home. My mum and brother were together and he seemed at peace but drifting. I some ways this seemed perfect but then I became concerned about why if his passing involves a seizure, heart failure or ifficulty breathing etc. WTF do I do? I sent my mum and bro to bed and was resorting to google

In the end he lived a few more weeks but had to go to hospital - something I still have mixed feelings about. Why am I mentioning this? This evening I am going to friends who lost their son two weeks ago to a brain tumour. They were adamant that they wanted him home. This was great BUT his final hours were characterised by what I understand is quiet normal breathing difficulties. They found this vert very stressful and called in other doc friends at 01:30 for help. They docs explained that their son would not be aware of what was happening and that it was normal. But it didn’t really help them that much. So it might be worth talking to others re what happens. Being prepared for all things helps.

Again sorry if this practical stuff in inappropriate but comes form my and my friends experience and is meant to help you prepare. Ignore if it’s misjudged

Very best wishes and thoughts

THM

Yes, we're there. Things are developing rapidly.

Losing parents is, without doubt, one of the toughest things we have to go through. Everyone grieves in different ways - there are no right or wrong ways, no time limits and don't be too hard on yourself.

I lost both my parents quite close together, Dad first. When Mum died, I lost part of my childhood also. By that I mean I no longer had anyone to ask about parts of my childhood I can't remember.

It's a very unsettling, upsetting experience but after a while you begin to accept what has happened.

There is bugger all you can about the past - the important thing is what you do in the future.

Live your life in a way to make your parents proud - if they're alive or not.

There is no right on wrong way to feel. Its also impossible to predict how you will react. Looking after dying and bereaved folk is a large part of my professional life and you would think I could cope well. However after 3 deaths on my girlfriends side of the family in a year (not people I was close to) I ended up breaking down at work one day and having to take a few days off

The moral being grief can incapacitate anyone and is unpredictable

We lost our Mom on Boxing Day shortly after her diagnosis in September, even though I knew it was coming I still can’t believe she’s gone.

I’ve found keeping busy helps, Dad is struggling so a lot on focus has been on looking after him and helping out as much as possible. Work, training and riding all provide a distraction for a while but inevitably there’s not many spare moments where I don’t think about her. It’s the little things like seeing her name in my phone or thinking I’ll just pop down later to say hello.

I try to focus on the nice memories, I could get bitter over losing someone who was much loved by a lot of people (evident at her funeral) and who still lived a full life at 72 but there’s little closure there for me. She wouldn’t have wanted that anyway.

Feeling for you all, Joe.

x

I haven't read through the posts so I may be repeating what others have said. Do you have siblings? My Mum was 66 when she died and without my sister I would have struggled a lot more with the loss. My Dad had died 6 yeas before so it really felt like the end of an era.
If you have no siblings then you need to use whatever support network you do have, partner, friends or even STW. You've got to look after yourself or you'll not be as effective easing the end of your Mother's life.
My sympathies, it's a thoroughly crappy time and you will continue to need your support network for quite a while after she has died. People will generally assume that you will have "got over it" in a few months but the chances are you won't have so if you need a sympathetic ear or shoulder to cry on the tell people, it's quite the opposite of weak to ask for help when you need it.
After Mum died I found that talking about her with those that knew her well was a great comfort. I don't believe in life after death, rather that people live on in the memories of those who loved them. For a long time after Mum died I thought about her every day, and I still sometimes think "Mum would have loved that" when something happens that was her sort of thing but now it raises a smile rather than making me feel miserable.
Best wishes with coping and remember whatever works for you is right. It has been quite cathartic and emotional writing this and I feel a bit teary now, and Mum died 13 years ago. It'll change your life forever, time won't necessarily make it better but it'll make it less raw.

Just to let you all know, my beautiful wee mammy passed away last night, she was surrounded by her 3 sons and husband as she left us.

Bless ye ma, you will always live in me and others.

Thoughts are with you.

Very sorry to hear that. My deepest condolences

May she be at peace.

Best wishes

THM

So sorry for your loss. 🙁

Sorry to hear that, but glad that you were there with her. I'm sure she took comfort from her family being there

🙁

Very sorry to hear of your loss.
I lost my Mom July last year (on my birthday as well) - it's been a tough few months, good days and bad days.
Talk to people though - I didn't and this has impacted on my relationship with other family members, I'm only now starting to deal with it properly.
Once again sorry for your loss.

Chris

Very sorry for your loss.

seosamh77

sorry to hear that.

A peaceful death surrounded by our loved ones is the best we can all hope for in the end. If you achieved that for her then you did your very best.

If you need to vent or talk PM me.

Take care seosamh77/Jo.

Thoughts are with you so catch a STW hug.

My wife went through experience too. Mother on morphine from cancer but at least she’s not suffering.

It was tough. Nights of random crying, laughing and forgetting that she’s gone when about to call her.

5 years later and she is still missed but we remember the good times.

My parents are getting really old/sick and it scares me thinking of that day; as we are so close. It’s. It going to be easy for anyone you’re close to.

Just make sure you ride and have someone to talk to even if Samaritans or STW.

Don’t be hard on yourself seosamh77

Condolences Op x.
I found that straight after my mum's death I couldn't cry and then about two weeks later I had a big cry for about an hour! Was also the same when my Dad passed. Take care.