[Closed] How do you deal with sh!t

Share it.

Tell us the tale and read the replies.

I've been reading the Chimp Paradox and it's a good grounding in how to deal with stuff, so spill the beans...

Exactly what Crikey said. Share it. There's nothing to be gained by keeping it to yourself.

Not everyone is a natural sharer - sharing does ease the burden and the person you share with should have a more impartial view (excuse cliche but women tend to just listen, blokes to offer their solution)

You might start by writing a few things down, what the issue is, what bothers you, the different routes/choices/reactions you might take

Sharing is good. As hard as it is sometimes get it Off your chest- just talking to someone usually helps me..
Even if there's fek all theycsn do about it it'll still help.
Have used the bike and running to distract me but it's not slways possible nowadays for me..

Some clue about what kind of shit would be a help.
I go through various crap everyday but luckily can leave it behind (till tomorrow). Iv'e also been through crap that doesn't go away (bank foreclosure, divorce/loss of home, & a years worth of a loved Mum with cancer & consequent death of, all at once.
Say something.

Sounds like somebody's run out of sweet life giving beer. I normally deal with that by nipping down to the co-op if it's before 10, or tucking into the wifes bottle of rose if I miss that deadline. 🙂

Yeh share it might me feel better. I'm sitting in a hospice at my mums bedside as the life ebbs out of her after a fight with cancer for the past 18 months. I'd bloody love to get out for a ride.

Have a DW in a cupboard

perrrrb

Thankyou all.
We learnt of our miscarriage today.
Pebblebeach, thankyou. Not much can be said there and i feel quite humble for starting this.
The desire to do something daft is strong but F! it, so far i'm hiding it with beer. Got work all weekend and another trip to hospital on monday.
Sorry for a downer

peace to you and your family brother. nothing else we can say. take care

When people really need it, this place is chuffing brilliant. I can't begin to imagine how that feels, but my most sincere condolences go out to you and your wife/girlfriend (i'm guessing?).

i'm drunk, so have patience...

Miscarriages happen. it's unfortunate and horrible and unpleasant, but they do happen. Look up the stats and maybe it will help you appreciate that you atre not alone, that this is not a thing that doesn't happen.

Sorry...

Pebblebeach - went through exactly that in 2008. Stany - went through that in 2010!

Didn't feel angry either time, but it felt very unfair. Talking about feelings was the solution.

Thoughts with you and your missus mate

I think you will soon find out how common an occurrence miscarriages are

Mrs pop had a couple and we were amazed how many people told us about their losses as well

You need to look positively mrs pop had tests which showed she had a blood disorder that was treatable with injections during pregnancy and we now have 3 children!

And you sound like a responsible sort, fighting the temptation to run away and ride/get pissed, but looking after the other half who's suffering as well. Good on you.

Don't do anything daft, just be there for each other Stany. Very sorry to hear your news. Be strong!

peace to you and your family brother. nothing else we can say. take care

I can't think of a better way to say it. All the best fella.

csb & all, thankyou. Yes, sharing it is better and i've finally cried.
We'll work together and what is meant to be will happen.
Thanks again

Stany that really is shit but stay strong. Much as you feel like running as far away as possible or doing something daft you know you really need to be there for your partner. Together you'll get through it.

Thoughts are with you both.

My thoughts are with you, that's a hard one to take. Not sure what to suggest that doesn't sound patronising, but try to get through it together.

aye, stany - sorry to hear that.
being there for each other is important.

Very common occurence are miscarriages.
Its horrible and emotionally draining, and hits you with a wave of suddenly none existant potential and plans.
Its normally because of solid biological reasons, like natures reset button when things go wrong.
If its any consolation ( and I doubt much will be at the moment), every single person that I have known that has miscarried has gone on to have at least one beautiful healthy baby in the years that followed.

Good luck and thoughts to you and your family.

pebblebeach - was in your seat in June. My sister said it was surreal but I said no, this is real life. In many ways it was a privilege to be there.

Thoughts with you both.

Stany. I've been there. Weird kind of feeling. Still think about that child a couple of years on. Keep a close eye on the other half.

Stany- really sorry 🙁 but as others have said, keep talking to your partner. Don't let your terrible loss put a wedge between you. You need each other now more than anything.

Feels like someone's hit the pause button paul4stones. Anyway I'm butting out, this isn't about me.

i was going to suggest riding through a stream and then using a stick, but i guess that's not the kida shit you meant....

chin up, fella.... look after your lady.

My family don't even know this (and fortunately don't read this forum) but we had the same thing happen, not very long into the term, but we now have a healthy, happy 3 year old. I hope you get over it and are able to move forward with your lives.

Wow. Again, thankyou all. It's positive vibes that keep us going and don't worry, i'm withh mrs stan all the way. We're fully aware of the percentages a d we'll carry on and try again.
Seriously, you've all helped.
I feel humbled!

And slightly tearful

stany - we've been through that a few times. All I'll add is that no matter how awful you feel - for the girl it seems to be much worse. You love her - you'll be there for her. And not just be there with solutions. Listening helped.

Thats not meant in any way to negate your grief. But you've got a responsibility now. Oh - and her reaction to all this may not be entirely rational.

My best wishes are with you both.

Can affect you for quite a while but it mostly passes, not something you'll ever forget but it fades. Stick together and help each other through it. Get out for a ride to clear your head when you can but don't rush it.
Good luck

I've no idea who you are but still sorry to hear that. That's not an easy thing.

Stany - sorry to hear your news, not a nice thing to happen at all.
Take good care of each other.

Best wishes mate,
Pete.

Tough times Stany - very tough times... Nothing other people will say can change what has happened, but as other people have indicated, it happens to a lot of people so you are not alone. Once most people find out they are are pregnant they invest emotionally in the baby and if you love something and lose it, feelings of grief in all their complexity are completely normal - including anger!

I sometimes think it is harder on the partner as they not only suffer the loss but often support the mother in getting through this hard situation by providing physical, practical and emotional support, leaving looking after themselves last. I believe you are doing the right thing by looking after Mrs Stany, acknowledging your own feelings and also looking for some help for yourself here.

Take care chap, my thoughts are with you (Even if I don't really know you so to speak...)

J

Stany - sorry to hear that. We were there in August. Sadly, the cause was a molar pregnancy (v rare), so Dr North now has months of follow up.

We planted two trees in our garden. One for our 2 yo daughter. And one for the one that got away.

Be there for your Mrs - it will hurt her like you can't imagine. And it wull hurt you. Hold on tight to each other. Love's the greatest healer of all.

Stany, I feel for you totally. We went through a number of miscarriages. It's an awful experience. Our souls tore apart through those years. Eventually we were told we would never have another child when it was all we both wanted beyond belief.

It will get easier in a way, but you'll have some moments thinking back. Sorry to hear of your pain.

Lots of good thoughts above.

All that I can add is that people do care. You and your lady are not alone. If things get worse and you need some help, don't be afraid to ask. No doubt you would help someone else in a similar situation if they needed it. So don't worry about being on the receiving end of a little help right now if you need to be.

Add one more on our account here. It's not uncommon, but that doesn't make it easier when it happens to you. But it'll pass, by doing the right things now and being there for each other you'll move on stronger as a couple for the experience and when you do succeed it'll be all the sweeter.

It's a tough time for your other half, for sure and you need to be there for her. We're expected to be strong, to answer the calls and tell the family that she's OK, so she can get rest and recover in her own time. But you lost a baby too, so if no-one asks you how you feel, then [u]tell them anyway[/u], it's part of the process.

And if you need a bit of space to press your own mental reset button then that's OK too. Talk to her about it, if she knows you she'll understand, and then if you're like me find an hour to go and beast yourself on the bike and get the button pressed.

Strava wasn't around when it happened to me, but if it was the times I'd have set on those days would have been untouchable.

Stany, I learned of my wife's miscarriage when on duty as a pilot in Afghanistan 8.5 years ago. I was home with her within 48 hrs. Before I flew home, one of my crew took me to one side, and told me a similar thing happened to him. He said they didn't talk about it, and it drove them apart. You have to grieve, but you have to talk.

We now have 2 beautiful kids, and are very happy. As has been said above, no matter how much it hurts you, you can bet she feels worse. There can be a strong feeling of self-blame when women miscarry, and feel they should have done it differently. The fact that my wife was pregnant again straight away really helped us.

Hope it all works out well.

stany- I'm another one that's been there, I didn't deal with it quite so well, so all I can say is this

Be there for your Mrs - it will hurt her like you can't imagine. And it will hurt you. Hold on tight to each other" is bloody brilliant advice

 

Stany - sorry to hear what's happened, a real tragic thing to happen to anyone.

Inspite of not knowing you my thoughts are with you.

It is shockingly common but something that people have been quiet about until relatively recently it feels. Well done for sharing though as this thread shows as a group we are learning how to deal with the news that it has happened to someone else. I can't imagine what it feels like but my sympathies are with you both. As others have shared, be there for each other.

Sorry to hear about that Stany 🙁

Our "second" kid miscarried, just one of those things - AFAIK we didn't do anything wrong, no drinking or smoking or whatever, the foetus just didn't develop properly, and it miscarried. Don't beat yourself up about it, don't let your wife beat herself up about it, and when the doctor gives the OK try again.

It wasn't nice at the time but was soon forgotten when the next pregnancy came along - she turned out fine and is currently teaching her panda how to make a banana smoothie in the kitchen 🙂

It's easy, and right, to be there for your other half but don't neglect yourself. It hit me hardest after my wife was "ok" and back at work. Really helped me to find that it actually wasn't that uncommon, maybe selfish, but seeing so many others fine, and with kids, further down the road helped.
Good luck.

It's horribly common, not that it's much consolation. My best friend's first pregnancy miscarried (she later had a daughter), and my sister-in-law had three miscarriages and two ectopic pregnancies - I'm due a nephew at Christmas thanks to IVF though. It's a terrible thing for the mother and father and awkward for people around them - be there for one another, gently let people know what's happened if the pregnancy was announced (so they don't end up asking how it's going next time you see them) and try to appreciate that if people say something jarring or inappropriate (god's plan/you can always try again/at least it happened now and not further own the line) that they're genuinely trying to be comforting.

One here too, earlier this year. Feel for you both, as said before please keep talking... we didn't and I can't tell you how much I regret that. Things do get back to normal, slowly, but you can make it easier by being kind to yourself and each other.

We've got those shoes in this house too , keep a good eye on your missus. The first time mrscarlos really freaked out and ended up on antidepressants , it happened a further twice before our 2nd son was born.Knowing what could happen helped us deal with the 2nd and 3rd time better(although I still sometimes fill up thinking about the daughter we never got to meet)
Just be there for each other it will make you both stronger.
Big hugs to you both.

Been there twice myself, as said above actually very common once you start to talk to people about it. Again, as above, i think best thought of as a natural QA process, something wasn't 100% so the body intervened early. It took us 2 years but there's a happy healthy 1yr old presently causing kaos downstairs. Very tough, and might I just say tougher for the woman, give it time, regroup and carry on with the bouncy bouncy boom boom.

Best wishes to you and pebblebeach. Been there, pebble. Chin up - it does get better.

Thanks again all. So, to those that miscarried but then had success, how long did you wait before trying and how long did it take to concieve?

for us - we waited i think 3 months to start trying again, and she was pregnant again about 4 months after that. Which was a relief - as before the first we'd been trying for 2 years and had just started down the fertility route. [Those investigations had led to my little swimmers being described as 'lacklustre' which is a jolt to anyone's manhood btw]

[i]stany - Member
Thanks again all. So, to those that miscarried but then had success, how long did you wait before trying and how long did it take to concieve?[/i]

The advice we were given was to wait for 3 months before trying. Really sorry to hear of your pain. Not that it's any consolation, but it is believed that between 1 in 5 and 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I.e. it's much more common than people realise but it's difficult to be more accurate with the statistics. We are on our third attempt for a second child. It took about 4 months and then about a year, but it could have been sooner to conceive again. Really depends on lots of factors. All I can say is that once we realised how common miscarriages are, it has made it all the more amazing how little ones get here! Best wishes.

Thanks again all. So, to those that miscarried but then had success, how long did you wait before trying and how long did it take to concieve?

We waited 4 months, as recommended by the doctor, but given we already had daughter #1 it was probably less of a concern than for other couples trying for the first. Second kid came along a few months later (well, a few months + 9 months!).

Not been through your shared tragedy but have used this forum to debate some of the bad stuff that has happened to me and MrsWCA. Mainly because I am rubbish at being sat alone while the wife is in hospital or unwell.

One thing I was surprised to find was that she liked to read these threads. Apparently it gives her support and also let's her see how I am coping.

Not certain it applies but I have found sharing on the forum very beneficial.

Our hearts go out to you.

N&M

Stany, you are not alone. We've been there and I'm amazed at the number of friends who have shared the same experience. Stay strong for each other and until that other person arrives remember that you are the most important people in each others lives.

Its really strange and sometimes it doesnt feel quite right reading about others mis fortunes or problems on a bike forum.

But even stranger is the ability of all of us to listen, offer advice and banter, and just basicly to listen and help.

Perhaps this forum should be available on the NHS.

Oh and to the original op best wishes to you both for the future.

Its really strange and sometimes it doesnt feel quite right reading about others mis fortunes or problems on a bike forum.

But even stranger is the ability of all of us to listen, offer advice and banter, and just basicly to listen and help.

Possibly strange looking at it from the outside, but one of the things I like about STW is that this thread is entirely typical of the forum.

I'm single, and I've never been in the heartbreaking position that so many others have been in, with a partner losing a baby, but I lost my mum earlier this year, and found a long-lost friend, who also had been through the same, along with a divorce, and it helped a huge amount having someone close to talk to, and to cry with. Talking, and I mean really [i]talking[/i], is the most important thing you can do for each other. Not doing so can break you apart, as I've found to my cost in the past. I've been reading the responses to your post, stany, and I'm crying inside for you; this forum is at its very, very best when people need help, and it's shown it again for you. All the best for the future for you and your lady.

If you do get in conversation on a thread like this, don't judge people by their normal postings. Serious stuff makes people less stupid some how.

Ok been here and know others that have so...
As hard it is, its worse for you partner, when this happed to us the builders were in the house and had no privacy. Give her time and support not a stoppy moody partner (yes your sad but both being a wreck will do no good)

Dont do the whole shrine memorial thing, it will make getting over it harder, guest uncomfortable and potentaly alienate your future children. Maun and move on not replace.

This is all subjective and can seem a bit harsh. Not intended that way at all, best wishes to you both.

Stany.

My wife and I went through multiple miscarriages. Eventually, when we were on the brink of being 'diagnosed' with unexplained infertility, we found out what the problem was - something genetic and potentially very nasty.

At the time it felt like our world was being ripped out from the inside. It was worst when we had our first miscarriage and we didn't know what the hell was going on. Finding out about our predicament was also a low, but after that we at least knew what the situation was.

Fast forward seven years (from the first miscarriage) and we have two lovely children - although one of them is a carrier for the proble we had. I'm not sure how we're going to have that chat with them when it looks like they might have families of their own, but that's a long way down the line.

My advice (especially if you do not have children yet) is to press for a proper diagnosis (not aggressively, but you really do need to know what you are dealing with before you can make any decisions). For example, we knew that we would have to have an 'amnio' with both of our children - with the attendant risk of provoking a miscarriage of a healthy child. Not great, but it at least meant we couldn't get our hopes up before 20 weeks was out.

The other thing is to be flexible in your emotions for your partner - I know it is terrible for you, but it will be worse for her.

On Christmas day 2005, I spent a lot of the morning in tears - we all know Christmas is about children, and it was a few months after our first miscarriage.

When I look back now, it still feels raw - those were dark months - I nearly punched one of my mates when he (unknowing) made a remark during one of those stupid blokey "I've had your missus" banter sessions on a stag do. I felt even crappier as a result.

Just helping your partner along will strengthen your relationship and make you feel better in the process.

Good luck - get the facts, form a plan, be adaptible and don't let it blind you both to the reason you are together in the first place.

At least 3 months is the advice I believe, though basically you have to leave it until your lady is ready, no matter how long that is. It's heartbreaking for you but you need to put your lady first, be the man she needs. Iirc the NHS will only start to investigate underlying causes if you've had 3. It's actually not as harsh as it sounds as its so common 2 probably doesn't mean anything.

I concur with Daveh.

I simply accept it's happend, accept the consequences and move on. I've been seen many times as being a heartless bast*** bt i'm honestly not, i'm just exceptionally pragmatic and accept things are how they are, nothing is going to change how they are, so come to terms with them and move onto the next step.

FWIW myself and Mrs Weeksy also had a miscarriage (probably caused by flying/stress) on holiday, but was only 4-6 weeks into the pregnancy. We still have 'myrtle' the turtle which we bought the day we found out she was pregnant, (4 days before she lost it). Myrtle is a small reminder of this time, our son still occasionally plays with Myrtle, but he's not aware of the significance of it.

dude, just hug until you feel right to face the world again!