How do I say goodbye to my Mum for the last time?

You came across the world to be with her. You are not selfish.

I have no advice, but I feel for you. Don’t be hard on yourself.

Feel for you - 5 years now since i had the same dilemma. Just spend some quality time talking about happy stuff, that's all i did.

Just hug her, it will be the best memory for both of you.

Say your goodbyes, say you love her and talk about happy memories & things that you were grateful for her when you were a kid. You've done well to see her when she is still with it, consider yourselves blessed in that respect, others are not so lucky.

Be brave, be strong, as above just give her a hug and do say goodbye and that you love her.

Dignity in death is something many do not get, at least you have the opportunity to both say goodbye (no matter how hard it is)

The best thing you can do is to make sure you don't leave anything unsaid.

lots of people don't actually get to have a "Perfect Death" surrounded all of their loved ones.

What matters is that she knows how you feel and how much you love her (and you know, that that she knows)... You need to say it, and she needs to hear it.

That you get to tell how her you feel 2 months/weeks/hours/minutes beforehand, in person or over a Zoom call is less important than the fact you tell her.

Definitely don't beat yourself up, I'm guessing that she's prouder that you were able to live the life you wanted and relocate to another part of the world, than if you'd stayed nearby and missed those  opportunities.

I wasn't there when my Dad died, it was crap, but we'd already said our goodbyes and had to get back up north for the kids to go to school and all that. It sounds like your mum probably has a lot longer left than he did though, he was slipping in and out of consciousness so we said goodbyes when he was a bit more with it.

One thing i do remember is that near the end he was always cold and wrapped up in blankets, it's bloody morbid, but my mum still has that blanket and she'll probably be wrapped up in it as she dies and will feel like she's close to him. What i'm saying is maybe get her a nice blanket.

Parents want the best for their children - you went to NZ and made no doubt a great life for yourself, your mum will understand. My elderly folks say the same to my brother who lives in Oz.

My aunt died of cancer when we were kids. She knew it was terminal, she'd accepted it and she invited people to visit.

Me, my sister and my Mum went down one day, spent the day there, had lunch with my aunt and uncle, we said our goodbyes and gave her a hug. There wasn't really any more we could say or do.

We knew that'd be the last time we saw her but she'd done it on her terms.

We were the only niece and nephew she had and she had no kids of her own. She died about 2 weeks later but she'd seen everyone she wanted to, made the arrangements to spare my uncle (they'd been married for 40+ years) much of the trauma and was content when she went.

Tell her that while you have to leave her that she will always be with you and that they'll never be a day for the rest of your life that she isn't part of.

That's a tough situation to be in. I can understand why you would feel selfish; it's only natural. But you can't help having to go back to NZ. As others have said, I daresay your mum would understand and is proud of the life you've made for yourself and your family.

@cookeaa put it perfectly, make sure you say everything you want to. The torment of regret lasts longer than the pain of loss.

I assume you've other family at home who could at least get you on the phone to say something to her nearer the time. You'll at least not have to go through the painfully slow process of someone passing - took a week for MIL to go, with family saying she 'could go'. She even sparked into life when her niece was on the phone and told her to get married finally.

I’ve never had to do it but I understand Macmillan are pretty awesome at this sort of thing. Why not give them a call or speak to the hospital staff about it?

Suddenly very dusty where I am, Mrs Rock and I went through this last spring when both our mothers passed away in a matter of days. We didn’t have the distance to contend with as you do, and I feel your pain about this.

All I can offer is to say everything you have ever wanted to say, and maybe you have, then remind her.  MIL asked me to promise to look after her daughter, and I promised her I would.

I sincerely and genuinely wish you the best, as it must be very difficult.

I'm sorry for your situation. My only advice is not to leave anything unsaid, tell her how you feel, thank her for what's she's done and she'll understand.

My Dad died relatively unexpectedly just over 2 years ago, due to COVID I wasn't allowed in to see him for the 6 weeks he was in hospital. The exception being why he was in the ITU but he was sedated so wasn't able to talk back. I tried my best to say good bye and tell him how I felt but he was pretty young (65) and we all expected him to pull through. He came out of the ITU and I wasn't able to see him again, e also couldn't talk on the phone so I never got to properly speak to him. It is the biggest regret of my life.

Just tell her how you feel but don't beat yourself up, you have been there with her and she will appreciate that

I'm acutely aware that I will almost certainly have to this at some point. I'm not sure there'll be a perfect answer to your question but just today have been considering a flash visit to catch up with my folks while they're still compus mentis.

I think for me and mum the best thing would be a (long) chat about good memories maybe over a photo album or two and then I'd like to leave her with something I'd written for her.

Good luck mate. Whatever you do I'm sure it will be right by her.

She's your Mum. If you have any half decent relationship she'll understand and send you away with her blessing, you sound like the type of person who would do the same in her shoes, any loving parent would. I assume she's lucid in which case you get to say a proper goodbye, when the end is near she may be unconscious and not really aware of your presence anyway. One thing I've learned is there is no right on wrongs in this type of situation, go with your gut and I'm sure it it will be fine

not sure i could do that so you must be feeling shit. got no advice but wish you all the best.

Must add my wife was in that situation in her 30's. Brother diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, flew out to Hong Kong for a couple of weeks but couldn't stay any longer (pregnant and being quite sick and we had another young child that I took time off work to look after - needed to go back to work). - Did get to tell him she was pregnant though ! Died a week or so later following her return.

There's no getting around it, saying goodbye is going to be horribly emotional. But at least you'll have that goodbye... You'll know what to say. And at least there's WhatsApp/facetime when you get home. Good luck

I lost my dad earlier this year.  We had a couple of days with him after a burst aneurysm - time is a precious gift, and one not always given.

The words I most remember are him telling me how much he loved me some months before.  But at the time of his death he was asking me whether I was happy and reliving old memories.

I lost my Dad the other week after he was told they couldn't fix him anymore, he lasted 8 days but we were given no timescale. I have found peace in the knowledge that we all took the time to ask him the questions that needed asking and telling him the things that needed saying.

And despite being 30 mins away, I still missed his final moments.

I lost my Mum 5 years back to  MND and was there for the last 4 painful days but part of me wishes I wasn't. I do have regrets from that. On the plus side we all had the time and knew the end was near but I was willing it to happen quickly to release us all and for that I still feel a bit wrong. Death has its own pace.

All the best xx

First up, like many here, I can sympathise (or is it empathise? I can never remember).  I lost my mum last year and I'm still dealing with it, I went to the pub with a couple of friends last week and ended sobbing in the pub.

Pragmatically, I've had ~half a century on this Earth.  I figure, if we don't know how we feel about each other by now, we've left it a bit late.

I lost my mum half a year ago. It was quite a traumatic experience and one I'll write about one day, but can't really now because there is to be a full coroner's inquest and still potentially legal proceedings.

I can't tell you what to do, here's what i did.

The 6 weeks she was in hospital were steadily more and more traumatic, until it became obvious that she wasn't going to recover. She was moved from the ward she was being treated on to a high dependency unit a few days before she died and was essentially sedated and/or unconscious for a lot of the time there. So we couldn't communicate that much, but we visited several times, and I think she recognised us, and we spoke to her and told her all sorts of news and just held her hand. If your mum is still conscious and aware, just do that, and even if she isn't, just do that as well. She might not interact but I believe she could hear us and knew how much she was loved. I also told her that she'd done a brilliant job, and she didn't need to hang on any longer if she didn't want to because she'd brought us all up to be strong and resilient and to support each other through this.

I last saw her at about 1am on the day she died. I held her hand, said goodbye and I'd be back the next day but it would be OK if she didn't want to wait. I took my Dad home as he'd been up for days and made sure he was OK. My sister stayed a bit later and then also said her goodbyes. The next day my Dad went in around 11ish and had an hour sat with her before she went peacefully just before midday. He was glad he was there and believes she waited for him. I'm not sad or disappointed I wasn't, because my Mum was a stubborn Geordie girl and if she'd wanted me to be there I know she'd have waited for me.

What avdave said sounds perfect.

Tell her that while you have to leave her that she will always be with you and that they’ll never be a day for the rest of your life that she isn’t part of.

If your Mum's still around and not in this situation, (and of course if you get on with your mum! I know not all are blessed like I was) give her a call today anyway. Mums are ace, and I miss mine dearly.

I can't add to the advice above, but I lost my Mam a month ago.

She passed 2 hours before we got to the hospital on a 5 hour drive after we got the call to get there as soon as we can. Other family were around her, telling her I was on the way, and she was happy. Sadly she couldn't hang on.

What I can say is the fact that I saw her the weekend before and shared happy memories was the most important thing. Make the most of your visit now.

Just hitting me again as I type this. Take care.

With difficulty?  sorry black humour gets me thru the days 🙂

I always say to folk when you have done every YOU can then you have to be content with that.  You cannot do more here ie stay longer for good practical and logistical reasons.  You have done your best / everything you can and be content with that.  Be thankful you did get to say goodbye in person

As others have said make sure you leave nothing unsaid unless its right for the pair of you.  go over old times, pick some good childhood memories to talk about, find some old pictures to look at.  Leave her with a good memory.  Hold it together if you can until you are outside.

Video calls are a good substitute for a real visit - you could tell her you will video call when you get home if appropriate.

When Mrs TJ died we had a very short time to organise her saying goodbye to folk ( 2 weeks).  Some folk close to her never got to see her.  some folk only got a video call.  We all did our best and had to be content with that.  I had to gatekeep visitors to prevent her getting overtired and that meant preventing some folk from seeing her.  that was hard and I was ruthless.

So leave her with a good memory of a good chat, tell her you love her, give her a gentle hug, try to hold it together until out of her sight.  Be content you have done your best - there is nothing more you can do.

good luck - its tough

Bit dusty in here*. Reading this obviously to try to offer some support, but also because my Dad's very slowly slipping away and not verbal/ entirely there, and I don't know what I'll do when the time comes (assuming I know it's The Time). Some really helpful pointers here.

I'd just chuck in something that's sometimes useful: afterwards, how do you think you'd want to have done it? What's going to give you most peace of mind, knowing that you said it, and that it went that way? As best you can, if you can use that as a guide, it'll at least help reduce the guilt or regrets.

I cannot think of any way to put this that does not sound really harsh but anyway:

Remember who this is all about.  Its about your mum not you.  Yes it hurts and yes you will be / are grieving.  Your role here is to give your mum the best sendoff you can, to leave her with good memories, to let her be content.  Ask her or make your best guess as to what she would want ands then follow her lead?

https://speakinggrief.org/get-better-at-grief/supporting-grief/ring-theory

Its about your mum not you

hmm I am not entirely sure about that. You are the person that is left living.

Thank you everyone who has replied, reading the replies has helped me. TJ is right, it is about Mum. I want her to be, dunno what the right word is but going with, settled about my leaving. I’m not looking for an easy option for myself, there isn’t one for either of us, just want to ease the pain of my going.  There is family here that will be with her as necessary and I’ll be in contact daily. If I’ve brought up sad memories for anyone, I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention.

I think that I’ve got what I needed from above, it won’t be easy, but I now have something I can work with. I was floundering earlier.

Thank you for your help.

You do the right thing for your mum its means you can say you did your best.  I have found that a great comfort to me.