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W'jammin
😛
Why do women wear make up?
'Cos they're ugly and they smell.
Just spent all afternoon making a belt from old wris****ches, what a waste of time!
How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
Pokemon (poke him on). 🙂
Is there a saying about, if you have to explain the joke... 🙁
Conversely,
Why should you never get undressed with a Pokemon in the room?
Cos he might Pikachu.
how do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
put him in the microwave until h's bill withers
Did you hear about the multi-storey carpark killer?
It's just wrong on so many different levels..
With thanks to Tim Vine
What's the best way to annoy Lady Gaga?
Pokerface (poke her face). 🙂
How do you annoy Lady Gaga? Poker Face (dammit, beaten by 31 seconds)
How do you annoy Heather Mills? Nick Clegg
Did you hear about the multi-storey carpark killer?It's just wrong on so many different levels..
Wasn't it just: "crime in multi-storey car parks... wrong on so many levels".
What cheese is best to use to entice a bear from his cave?
Camenbert
Ahthangyew!
Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila.
What cheese do you use to hide a small horse?
Mascapone (mask a pony). 🙂
What do you call cheese that you do not own?
Nacho cheese.
Did you hear about the Dutch boy with inflatable shoes?
He popped his clogs.
My wife's gone on holdiday
Jamaica?
Alaska
She not gone yet?
Just spent all afternoon making a belt from old wris****ches, what a waste of time!
My wife's like an old watch strap. One hole's a bit baggy and the next one along's just too tight for comfort.
I just swallowed one of my teeth...i'm worried it'll come back and bite me on the arse.
My wife's gone on holdidayJamaica?
Alaska
She not gone yet?
That's superb!
Pondo there's no need to write both pronunciations of the punch lines, we're not that thick, it's not Bike Radar!
What's a hospice?
About three gallon.
Bought a dog from a blacksmith. Soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door
Pondo there's no need to write both pronunciations of the punch lines, we're not that thick, it's not Bike Radar!
It was out of a desire to highlight the poor quality of the punnery, as much as anything. 🙂
Bought a dog from a blacksmith. Soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door
*Applauds 🙂 *
Wasn't it just: "crime in multi-storey car parks... wrong on so many levels"
Yeah probably. Always embellishing jokes me 🙂
Why did the baker have brown fingers?
He kneeded a poo
Why oh why oh why can't I spell yoyos?
What did the Mexican put under his carpet?
!ándale, ándale!
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.."
The late, great Tommy Cooper
Seeing as we're getting pedantic.....
Why do women wear make up?'Cos they're ugly and they smell.
It's why do women wear perfume and make up.....
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.
What cheese should you use to encourage a mammal that enjoys defecating in the woods?
Camembert
What cheese should you give to a Yorkshireman who likes hydroelectric power?
Edam
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.
Nun arrives at the convent by bike, with a wry smile on her face. Mother Superior asks her, "Which way did you come?" and she replies, with an ever widening smile, "I rode across the cobbles"
I'll stop now.
Chick Murray - some of his finest -
"I was in London the other day and this man came up to me and asked me if I knew the Battersea dog's home. I said that I didn't know it had been away."
<<I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him, "Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?", he replied,"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter.">>
How do Mexicans keep warm?
They use chicken fajitas.
A vampire lands on the bonnet of a car with two nuns inside, the first nun says 'quick sister Mary show him you're cross' the second nun shouts out of the window '**** OFF YOU VAMPIRE BASTARD!!!'..
Igmc..
Had to cancel my holiday to Norway this year.
I couldn't A-fjord it.
Two nuns in a bath.
1st nun 'Wears the soap.'
2nd nun 'Yes it does, doesn't it.'
Did you know people from Dubai don't like The Flintstones?
But people from Abu Dhabi do.
AND NOW..for my next trick I will attempt to eat a percussion instrument in a bap.
Drum roll please!
I was thinking about getting married but decided it was simpler to just find a woman I didn't like and give her my house.
I got my wife one of those Pug dogs for a present.
Despite the squashed nose,rolls of fat ,bulging eyes,bad breath and being just plain ugly the dog has really taken to her.
------------
My wife said she's dumping me because of my obsession with plants.
So I asked her "where does this stem from petal?"
------------
My wife says she is divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she really leave me...
...Find out next week!
-------------------
The late, great Tommy Cooper
The not late at all and great Tim Vine, actually.
guitarist saying to audience "i've suffered for my art".
"now it's your turn!".
The late, great Tommy Cooper
The not late at all and great Tim Vine, actually.
The internet (and my memory) suggests it was Tommy Cooper.
http://www.begent.org/cooper.htm
A farmer walks into his kitchen carrying his pet duck
He says : heres that pig I ve been shagggin
Farmers wife says : thats not a pig, its a duck
Farmer says : I wasnt talking to you !!
Whats the fastest food in the world?
Scone.
Two monkeys in a bath, one goes "oo oo ah ah oo ah"
Other one goes "put some cold in then!"
Dustman "Where's yer bin?"
Blokle "I've been abroad on business"
Dustman "No, where's yer wheelie bin?"
Bloke "OK, I've really been in prison"
Work apprentice lad goes for a summer job in a farriers:
"have you ever shoed a horse before?"
"no, but i once told a donkey to f* off!"
Two fish in a tank...
One says to the other 'do you know how to drive this?'
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
Because he was outstanding in his field
Two sausages in a frying pan. One says "Christ it's hot in here". Other one says "**** me a talking sausage!"
Two birds sitting on a perch - one says "Can you smell fish?"
My wife went to Indonesia.
Jakarta?
No she went on a plane.
The internet (and my memory) suggests it was Tommy Cooper.
They are both wrong.
Most if not all of the jokes on that page are Tim Vine gags.
Aussie Beer Helpline:
"What's up caller"
"The missus has been stung in the minge by a hornet and it's all closed up."
"Bummer dude"
"Good idea. Thanks"
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned in to a field?
I met a soldier who survived a mustard gas and a pepper spray attack in the war.
He was a seasoned veteran
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and legs, swimming in a swimming pool?
Clever Dick
Dwarves are generally a happy bunch as statistically speaking 6 out of 7 aren't grumpy.
Heard about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field.
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Heard about the magic tractor?
Yes, about eight minutes earlier. (-:
What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
Edward Woodward.
Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'D's in his name?
Cos if he didn't, he'd be Ewar Woowar.
What's brown and sticky?
..A stick.
He steadied himself at the desk and struggled to focus on the check in assistant: "one ticket to new york please"
"sir, you a far too drunk to fly!!"
he reached into his superman costume to get his wallet out to pay:
"i know, that's why i'm taking the plane"
Had a dreadful flight with BA recently.
He was shouting all the time asking what crazy fool had put him on the plane.
^^ marvellous!
We had a survey done on our house, turns out 8/10 people liked it.
Someone left me a note complementing me on my driving the other day - it said "parking fine".
"I was in the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, 'I love you'. She said 'is that you or the beer talking?' I replied 'it's me talking to the beer!'
The wife walked in on me masturbating to a picture of an optical illusion. I said "Darling, it's not what it looks like".
A skeleton goes into a bar - orders a beer and a mop.
Man in a restaurant asks what the special is.
Oasis soup, the waiter replies.
What's that? Says the man.
You get a roll with it....
Chicken and a frog in a library.
"Book, Book, Book"
"Reddit, Reddit"
Why did the [i]chicken[/i] cross the road?
I don't know. Why did he?
To get his old age pension!
I don't get it.
No? Neither did the [i]chicken[/i], he was too young.
What's brown and sticky?
Gluey Armstrong
What do you call a monkey with a hand grenade?
A BABOOM!!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The pervert needed to get to the other side.
Thought I'd improve my snail's chances in a race, so I took its shell off - to be honest, it just made it more sluggish
IGMC
1 in 4 people live in denial,not me.
Paddy called the RSPCA today and said "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and 4 cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied "are they moving?"
"I'm not sure,to be honest," Paddy said, " but that would explain the suitcase!"
My therapist says I have a predilection for revenge........
Well, we'll see about that.
How do you annoy Heather Mills? Nick Clegg
For Christmas, Paul McCartney bought Heather Mills a plane.
And a Ladyshave for the other leg.
Guy walks into a baker's shop with an "All Cakes £1" sign in the window.
Points to a cake in the counter, says, "I'll have one of those".
Girl behind the counter says, "£2 please."
Guy says, "But the the sign in the window says 'All cakes £1'!"
Girl says, "Yeah, but that's Madeira Cake."
Paddy sends his wife a text;
"Mary,I am having one more pint with the lads,if I am not home in 20 minutes,read this text again."
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Chickens hadn't evolved yet
What did the ghost say when he found a beehive?
BooBees!
What's brown and sticky?..A stick.
My Beyoncé poster!
Coat, thanks, I'll see myself out.
What's brown, hairy and floats?
A hot air baboon