[Closed] How can I help my children overcome their shyness?

No pudding?

Are they happy? They are six. Let them grow up

Lambrini

That sounds pretty normal to me, but I hate large group situations too.

Perhaps explain to them that being shy and nervous before performances like that is perfectly normal, even the best Shakespearean actors can feel terrified before going on stage. Help them with ideas to cope, like pretending the audience isn't there or that they're naked.

Some kids are precocious little brats*, don't bow to the pressure to make yours like that.

*And I say that as the father of a 5-year-old who puts her hand up and asks questions in a room of a hundred adults. No idea where she got it from.

My youngest used to be like that. Now she's the exact opposite. People develop at different rates. I'm sure they'll be fine.

MTBidle +1

Don't worry about it - you actually have very little control of how your kids turn out - no matter how much you think you can steer them a certain way!

And this...

Are they happy? They are six. Let them grow up

Are they happy? They are six. Let them grow up

I was very shy at that age, and I never really overcame it. Now I DRIVE the schoolbus! Seriously, it never held me back, I hated performing in front of people then, and I still do now. My 4.5 year old daughter is the same as me. I really feel for her as I know how she must feel in that situation, but there's precious little you can do about it. If they're shy, then they're shy. They might grow out of it, they might not. I just tell Rosa (my daughter) that its okay to feel shy/nervous and that everyone feels it, including Daddy.

All seems fine to me. The worst thing that can happen when you're shy is everyone giving you shit about somethign that is an innate personality trait. Makes you feel really crap about yourself.

But all I can do is compare them to the other 50+ kids out on that stage

Very big mistake. We're all individuals, let us be what we need to be.

to see that level of shyness suggests she isn't growing up in the same way as the other kids are...

What do you want, a clone? Shyness is not a defect! They will probably grow up the same as all the other hundreds of millions of shy kids in the world.

You could ask "Do you want me to help you do X?", see how they respond.

We build our own lives on our own foundations, with the plans we prefer. Your job is to help that process, not take over and change their plans. Of course there are times when they make mistakes growing up, you need to help [i]them[/i] make the right choices [i]for themselves[/i] and spot when they might've made a mistake.

But all kids aren't the same - they all develop differently.

My daughter is 13 this weekend - she'll never be one of the 'cool' kids at school, she just won't bend her ways to fit in, and she's fine doing things on her own, or part of a group.

But she'll never have (or need) and army of friends.

Tequila or cocane usually perk people up and make them chatty. Try that and report back.
If not, accept they they will find their own way in their own time. Not everyone is an extrovert and "trying" to help them can sometimes make them massively go the other way.

I hated performing in front of people then, and I still do now.

The thing is, I was very shy as a child too but I self-identified it as a teenager so I took drama as an option at school then went on to tour guide at a local visitor attraction now I couldn't give two hoots and the only thing that stops me from 'performing' is that I'd embarrass my wife and kids :-). Hopefully my girls will work out the same eventually.

and "trying" to help them

This is the worry.

It's not exactly hindered me in any way.
It's just something i don't enjoy, so i try to avoid it, like clothes shopping.

why?

Because I would prefer them to have confidence in themselves.

It's possible to have confidence in yourself and still be a shy person.

Doesn't sound like there's a problem to me, just let them be themselves rather than possibly putting them in stressful situations to put your own mind at ease.

Because I would prefer them to have confidence in themselves

I was exactly the same as a kid, quiet, astonishingly so. I was confident though, I knew what I was good at but I didn't need to shout about it. I was also stubborn so if my parents tried to force me into doing something I absolutely would not do it. I am now a (reasonably) well adjusted adult who talks to people for a living, so don't worry at all.

If it helps (it won't) the best thing I ever did was getting a job in a restaurant, I had no choice but to talk to people.

johndoh - Member
Because I would prefer them to have confidence in themselves.

Unless you reckon they should be applying for The Apprentice next year, I think you can probably chill out for a while

Kids change all the time, our son has gone through shy/not shy phases for most of his 18 years. He's coping fine with life.

It's possible to have confidence in yourself and still be a shy person.

it could also be early onset EMO of course

don't make a big thing of it, don't overthink it:
- encourage them to do things out of the their comfort zone but nothing too major and don't push it if they don't want to
- give them opportunities to take the lead on things in public, maybe on your behalf... e.g. ordering food at a restaurant for the family, but don't make a big thing of it

I think there is something about humility with some shy people in that they think that all the attention is on them, when in fact a lot of the time it isn't, or if it is it's only for a brief moment and will quickly be forgotten.

I don't have any issues with confidence, when I'm doing things i have confidence in.

Our eldest (4) is a bit the opposite and goes in with both feet which is often met by rejection as the other kid freaks out, it's not nice to watch how upset this can make him. Probably part of intrinsic character but we're trying to show him how be a bit more subtle. Whilst they're young they take most of their cues off you so try and exhibit the behaviours you want them to emulate, as in consciously make it visible to them, not that you're not doing it already.

It's possible to have confidence in yourself and still be a shy person.

Possibly, I am not trying to make this into an argument about the situation, rather get some advice thanks.

Definitely, don't mistake shyness for a lack of confidence. You can have confident introverts who shy away from being the center of attention but also have extroverts who are not at all confident (and like to be the center of attention to make them feel better).

Reassurance would be my suggestion. If they are nervous then talk to them about why and why they needn't be (what's the worst that can happen). Also try to help them push their comfort zone in small ways so they are developing.

Hated drama at school, would avoid all activities like it, speaking in front of large groups was not for me. It hasn't stopped me from doing presentations for previous employers when needed as it was a topic I was happy with in later life.

Interesting that you talk about drama and acting both in your daughters' experiences and your own response to identifying your shyness. I remember in the Child of our Time programme, which followed children born in 2000 (and relevant to me because my older son was born late 1999), that Robert Winston suggested everyone is either shy or not in more or less equal measure and that this is an inherited characteristic like eye colour. It was a revelation to me (as a shy person) to realise that everyone is acting to some extent during the course of their day and I (as a dentist who lectures a bit) do it all the time!

Both my children are shy, one more than the other, and in the past I have suggested role play as a way of dealing with situations that may arise. That's never really happened but I have two teenagers now, one who will happily publicly play complicated musical pieces on piano, euphonium or church organ (!), something I could never do, and the other who, as a chorister, twice sang the opening verse of Once in Royal, unaccompanied, to a packed abbey on Christmas Eve, apparently completely unfazed.

We are indeed all different and, hopefully, with love, encouragement and praise where appropriate we can develop confidence in the things we do well. I'm sure you will look back on this time and wonder why you were worried 🙂

My 2 daughters (5 and 8) have changed as they grow up - and considering they've had quite a stable childhood and been treated exactly the same - they are both very different.

Give them a bit of time, but maybe try to gently coach a little confidence into them??

My 10yr old nephew doesn't lack confidence - he'd stand in the middle of a football stadium and sing his heart out. On every other front he's a disruptive pain in the arse, always causing trouble and just being a flippin nuisance.

Sometimes shy but confident in your abilities is a better trait!

As above; shyness is probably an indicator of intelligence and self-awareness.

My 10 year old lad plays football for an academy team so plays at all professional team academy's and even some first team pitches, has been mascot for Chelsea in a champions league game at Stamford Bridge without any sign of fear but for last 2 years has done the lights at the Christmas performance as he refused point blank to have a part on stage.

I was similar at his age and if honest still don't enjoy presenting to a room full of people but just get on with it as it's my job.

We just encourage him but at same time make it known it isn't wrong to feel nervous and shy..

You might just have a couple of introverts. Nothing wrong with that, at all.

I'd recommend reading "[i]Quiet - The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking[/i]" by Susan Cain. It helped me make sense of myself, and would've helped my parents no end, I think.

There are also Susan Cain TedX talks that are very popular, although I've never seen them.

To help my son with nerves about a school play I reassured him that every parent there apart from us couldn't give 2 hoots about his line and would just be looking at their own kids. Seemed to help.

I'm 40 and still crap in large group situations,

Hate it.

I still shuffle my feet ,and look at the floor.

Guess for some, we will always find this tough?

I'm 50 and still crap in large group situations,

Hate it.

I still shuffle my feet ,and look at the floor.

Guess for some, we will always find this tough?

I am crap one to one also .

Some people are just shy . It's their individual nature .

I'm 30 (plus a handful) and still crap in large group situations,

Hate it.

I still shuffle my feet ,and look at the floor.

Guess for some, we will always find this tough?

Actually, thats not strictly true. Can do presentations but switch off entirely if I'm supposed to be mingling/'networking'

A career in engineering beckons. The few non-introverts who accidentally stumble into the profession quickly realize their mistake and move off to be management where they can squark all they like and be ignored.

Beavers/Cubs, whatever it's called now?

Try a few out locally, see which groups their mates like.
Usually a friendly lot nearby.

^^^ SO unless you want them ending up like this lot TAKE ACTION NOW!

Actually, thats not strictly true. Can do presentations but switch off entirely if I'm supposed to be mingling/'networking'

Yes; they're a different kettle of fish. Mingling/networking or whatever you want to call it is incredibly mentally taxing as I find myself not really giving shit about whatever it is people are talking about.

Infront of a large group of people is not too bad as I find myself not really giving a shit about what people think about me - although recently I've started to feel this probably almost a bit self destructive

I've never really understood why, but there is a quite enormous degree of misunderstanding about shyness / quietness in the world at large. I find the wide acceptance that being shy or quiet is 'wrong' and that it's something to be cured very strange. As mentioned above, imagine if the everyone in the world behaved in the 'confident' style of competitors on the Apprentice, Big Brother, etc!!

I find the wide acceptance that being shy or quiet is 'wrong' and that it's something to be cured very strange. As mentioned above, imagine if the everyone in the world behaved in the 'confident' style of competitors on the Apprentice, Big Brother, etc!!

Yup; those sorts of people are just too self absorbed. Funny to chat to in an ironic sense, just to see what comedy gold they come out with. But you'd never want to knock about with them as a mate.

Mingling/networking or whatever you want to call it is incredibly mentally taxing as I find myself not really giving shit about whatever it is people are talking about.

nail, head.

Those that are good at it seem to somewhat struggle to understand why you simply don't give a **** about people you don't know or care about.

I have a colleague who brings spare shirts to any training courses he has to run. So nervous about public speaking that he has to swap shirts every hour or so.

Only a problem if he brings different shirts and keeps changing patterns throughout the course.

He's a massively introverted and also one of our corporate subject matter experts.

Mingling/networking or whatever you want to call it is incredibly mentally taxing as I find myself not really giving shit about whatever it is people are talking about.

it's mingling/networking for the sake of it, and without purpose, that I have the problem with. change the subject - just talk about something you're interested in, or the weather.

🙁 I just want to talk about "Undateables" or "Age Gap Love" or some other trashy TV program. I guess I'm too shallow.

STW and/or bikes in general never seems to go down well

How do you tell if a software engineer is an extrovert?
They look at YOUR shoes when they're talking to you...

“He smiled as only the truly shy can smile. It was not the easy grin of the confident, nor the quick slashing smile of the extremely durable and the wicked. It had no relation with the poised, intently used smile of the courtesan or the politician. It was the strange, rare smile which rises from the deep, dark pit, deeper than a well, deep as a mine, that is within them.”

? Ernest Hemingway, Across the River and into the Trees

Beavers/Cubs, whatever it's called now?

And thank you all for the helpful advice - some of it is stuff we already strive to do (silly little things like saying hello/goodbye to Spanish waiters in Spanish, talking to them about their shyness, explaining that other adults in the room won't be looking at them - although they both say they prefer it when it's us that aren't there so that isn't the problem, it's us)!

I have two kids, both of whom do well at school and at sport outside school, and who I'd say are both confident in themselves.

The big one HATES talking in front of a group; the wee one stood up on the stage last year on his own during assembly to serenade the whole school and all the teachers with his guitar (which he can't play AT ALL), resisting three attempts by the head teacher to cut his performance short by saying "I'm not finished" and ploughing on.

Kids are all different, and a reluctance to stand up and be heard in front of a group shouldn't be confused with a lack of self-confidence.

A while ago we spoke to the older one's teacher about his reluctance to speak in a group, and since then he's been encouraged (by successive teachers) gradually to do more of it and he's beginning to lighten up about it. Taken a while, but there's no rush.

Have you tried shouting at them really loud?

Seriously, though. Just chill out about and don't make it a " thing".

My experience is that they will be who they will be and there is little that you can do to alter that other than accept it and encourage them in everything they do.

My oldest one is freakily self confident and was seemingly born with the innate ability to walk the tightrope between precociousness and arrogance without seeming to be either. She absolutely did not get that from me. It fills me with equal measures of pride and utter bewilderment when she stands up in front of hundreds of people and commands the room. She will rule the universe if she so chooses.

My middle one was a seemingly mute leg clinger who would not join in any group activities ( other than football) until he was about 9. Turns it that we were mistaking chronic shyness with him being a really deep thinker who , due to his young age, was unable to express himself properly. He's of the opinion that you don't need to say or do anything unless it's worth saying or doing properly. Like Vinny Jones in Gone in 60 Seconds sorta thing.

The youngest one is recklessly self confident and will probably end up in jail or hospital for most of his adult life.

It's a mixed bag and you take what you get.

LOL I like your kids Perchypanther 🙂

That Hemmingway quote has made the room go all dusty...............

I was shy at my first nativity play...but I was an angel and my Mum made me wear her white tights.

I was so embarrassed.

There '6' still little kids really so I'd quit worrying and just let them enjoy being children.
Kids change from month to month, year to year let them find there own way.

I was quite shy as a kid but conversely enjoyed acting and often had lead roles in school plays but never enjoyed large groups.

Nowadays I will talk shite to anyone but still struggle talking to pretty ladies.

OP - just let your kids be themselves. There's nothing wrong with shy. They'll grow up far more confident if they're supported in being who they want to be, rather than being forced into some idealised template you have for them.

I know you're trying to help here so I'm not being critical but it seems this is more about you and your own attitude towards your own issues with your own shyness than it is about them and their needs...

Worth reading Quiet by Susan Cain - it's a call to arms for introverts, pointing out there's nothing wrong with being an introvert and societal pressure to be otherwise can cause great personal troubles...

[url= http://www.amazon.co.uk/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0141029196 ]Quiet - the Power of Introverts[/url]

Introverts make up about a third of the population - we're not weird freaks! Also worth noting that Barack Obama is an introvert and he's turned out to be quite a good public speaker 🙂

rather than being forced into some idealised template you have for them.

It doesn't mean I wouldn't like to see them be less shy though.

Don't push kids too hard. It;s been said they are still young so pushing too hard will have the opposite effect. My missus has tried to ram drama down my daughters throat and it's not exactly worked. She's now in Rainbows (brownies/girlguids precursor) as it's less in your face but very encouraging all the same.

Johndoh - Wanna swap one of your shy, quiet 6 year olds for a couple of weeks? 😉
In exchange I can offer you a 6 year old maniac with criminal / daredevil tendencies. He is a bit house-wrecky though. It's never deliberate, to be fair, and he's always sorry afterwards. 😯

It might make you appreciate how lucky you are? 😀

Because I would prefer them to have confidence in themselves.

As above - self confidence and shyness aren't related.

I'm highly confident in myself, but I'm shy. I just know very well what I'm good at, what I want, what I'm bad at and what I don't want.

I'm bad at mixing socially with people who aren't much like me, nor do I particularly want to do it. Life got much better when I realised that I didn't have to and I found some people who ARE like me.

I'm just glad introverts don't tell extraverts too often in real life what they actually think of us (my wife finds the word '****'* comes in handy.) What this thread isn't about me?

Okay lots of kids can be on the OGC (On a Goth Continuum) spectrum. Drama classes don't necessarily help as this can lead to poetry and dressing up. A bit of fresh air is more the job.

*on edit - this is highly annoying. The word I'm looking for is in the middle of "was****er"

thisisnotaspoon - Member

A career in engineering beckons. The few non-introverts who accidentally stumble into the profession quickly realize their mistake and move off to be management where they can squark all they like and be ignored.

No I am quite happy to speak in front of large groups & have done so on many occasions & I'm an engineering manager with over 30 years experience of high pressure production environments.

I might have a slight advantage that my parents were both confidant speakers and instilled a foundation of no bullshit presentation.

I'm pretty shy ,take time to get warm up to a room full of people for instance.
Lately, I've seen the same behaviour in my boy. I would like to avoid him being as socially inept as me ,so understand the OP s concerns. I like the play acting suggestion,I might pretend to be Han Solo tomorrow..ha.

I'm very confident at work, I talk a lot, present, and lead, but that's because there is something to talk about and I know my subject.

Didn't go for Christmas drinks with the client office, partly because we are new there. But I did want to go to my own company Christmas dinner because they are proper mates.