You don't need to be an 'investor' to invest in Singletrack: 6 days left: 95% of target - Find out more
...got a little paranoid yesterday when having a wipe and could feel a pea lump on my crack opening...my brain went into overdrive and I thought the worst as I've never had it like that before (had it before but never felt one)
phoned the GP and was told take a picture and send it in... yeah right !
Decided to call the local walk in centre last night and explained that I was feeling anxious, they said no problem come in.
45 mins from triage to having a full on bum examination, the Dr explained that she'd need a chaperone as she was going in to the dark abyss. In walks no.2 Dr who was as gorgeous as the first, I made a crack which was "I wasn't expecting two females to look up my bum" oh how we laughed.
yes its a full on grape which will hopefully shrink overtime.
I explained that I suffer from anxiety which is why I got so freaked out, they were so nice and said that just knowing everything is okay is half the battle with anxiety, if only all Drs were so holistic with their views.
Great service from the NHS !
Lets hear your farmer Giles stories...
I made a crack which was “I wasn’t expecting two females to look up my bum” oh how we laughed
You already had a crack, that's partly why you were there. Also the only quip acceptable during a rectal exam is "is it in yet?"
Oooooh! Yes, I've got an arse grape related story.
I'd had occasional bum bleeding for years. Occasionally used to mention it to the Doc when I was in the surgery, got told it was likely to be Farmer Giles and not to worry unduly.
Anyway, about 3 years ago it was loads worse than usual. Thought I was farting and filled my undies with blood kind of thing. Went to the Docs again and got examined by the locum who said it was probably piles but booked me in for a colonoscopy to be sure.
After a couple of good looks with the camera (which doesn't hurt at all, it's when the sound guy goes in with the big fluffy microphone on a stick where the fun starts.....) they removed a few large polyps which luckily were benign. Two of them were over 2 inches in diameter (!).
Always worth getting checked 🙂
Reminds me, what is Emma Freud doing these days?
TOO MUCH INFORMATION!
shrink overtime.
That's probably what the docs need after that.
Not grapes, but when I had the snip and doc couldn't find the second tube he and the nurse were joking about sending me home 'half cock'. 😲
+1 on how brilliant NHS staff are.
Had an op on the ol’ banjo string a few years ago, nurse giving local anaesthetic said I’d feel a small prick, I replied “like you’re feeling now?” I think everyone relaxed after that
The punchline is:
"Shit, I've just realised the doctor had both hands on my shoulders......"
Feel free to work backwards to complete the joke.
😳
Turned up for my snip and by some random coincidence I knew the consultant despite her being from NZ - we had a mutual friend. She said she'd seen the notes and wondered if it was me but seeing as this was in Edinburgh assumed not. She then invited in every other young attractive nurse she could find to stare at my rapidly diminishing junk before setting to with needles and smoke. Not quite the c0ck holding i dreamed of at 8pm on a Friday night.
I had my bum examined by a very attractive Dr- so awkward!
Also got Haemorrhoids now Ffs
Went to the GP and within minutes she was looking at my anus and asking ‘are you a cyclist?’
Then immediately prescribed me some corticosteroids and salbutamol. No epo though.
Did you wink at them?
Not bum related, but had a op on one leg at uni. Our neighbors were all med students and my housemate was attached to one of them so she gave me a lift into the hospital and asked if she could come in to observe.
You know those dreams where you're wandering around with people you know and realize you're not wearing any trousers? It's no less awkward in real life.
They've heard it all before and seen it all before.
When I went for the pre-op check for my snip, a very attractive lady claiming to be the surgeon had a good look and grope. Went for the op and it was done by a burly middle aged chap....
When I has my first piloting op the surgeon removed so much arse he took photos to show his medical students, and every trainee District nurse in Sussex came to see the wound being packed and unpacked.
The second op was smaller, though I do remember a cute District nurse getting her mate in to help with the cheek spreading as she claimed my glutes were so firm that if I tensed she couldn't get in.
She was my favourite.
I had a couple of bouts of 'roid flareups. They smart a bit.
On the second one I went to the doctor, breathed a sigh of relief on seeing they'd allocated me to a tiny female Asian doctor with hands like a small child. She gloved up, I assumed the position and tried to relax as best I could, and I swear to your deity of choice that it felt like she'd shoved the fire extinguisher up my arse.
It's always the women Dr isn't it! Although tbh, it's a whole lot better than a bloke having a poke up there. My experience was after a weekend stint of norovirus like squits, I got up from the loo to see a bowl full of red. Worried i get myself to the GP and of course get the new female trainee. It's just the way it is
Dodgy snip, really swollen left side and gaping hole - went to docs and the locum was an attractive young doctor - I did say - I'm sorry about this.
Had the same as you OP. Got worried so booked an early morning appointment. Finger up the bum and all ok. I was too embarrassed to tell my wife that I needed a bum check, but was seemingly relaxed about a Dr prodding there.
Anyone that is willing to put a finger up a bum (for work) before most people have had breakfast deserve a medal. Especially my bum.
They’ve heard it all before and seen it all before
Absolutely. My sister in law views and handles multiple willies a day for her (nursing) work.
Still doesn't mean it's any easier for the patient, or that she doesn't take the Michael relentlessly when I went for snip...
I had the snip
When I had mine done, they asked if another nurse (young, v attractive) could observe as “she’d not seen one before”. I replied “I’m sure she’s many of them in her time”.
only ever had old men doctors give me a good finger 🙁
I had two student nurses extracting stitches from my scrotum. Not sure who was sweating most.
I see your piles (which I've got and they like to rear up their ugly heads from time to time) and raise you nine days off work following a groin meets stem incident several years ago.
Long and short of it is that I was having a casual ride around some flat coastal woodland when pedal hit stump; bike stopped - I didn't. By the following morning baws had swollen and I couldn't walk without carrying them in my hand; at Ninewells in Dundee I became a bit of a showpiece on a quiet Monday morning in their casualty department - and had so many wanting to see my black, swollen scrotum. Hematoma in groin, another in scrotum; they filled with blood and I was a grapefruit on the citrus fruit scale.
PS - Can also raise the anal ante with a fissure.
Why do I keep clicking on this thread ffs.
At Bristol bike fest mate got a tick on his ankle... removed by St John's... got home to North Wales found one on his old fella! Went to A+E ... old female nurse asked if a couple of jnr docs could take a look at a live tick... cue a couple of fitties coming in for a gawp and then leave
Nurse tries to remove tick and after struggling for a bit embarrassingly mentions it would be easier if he was erect so she had something to lever against! "OK you'd better get the jnr Docs in again then" was his tactful reply!
I have been a long time piles sufferer and I remember one episode where they were flaring badly, and the over the counter stuff wasn't really doing much good. So a visit to the GP was in order.
After the obligatory examination she told me that they weren't far off needing surgery or banding to sort them, but as I explained, I was in the middle of a big project at work and couldn't really afford the time off. Wasn't there anything she could prescribe that might help them a bit?
She responded that the proprietary creams and suppositories were about as good as it gets, but that she had heard that cold tea had some properties that might help shrink them and relieve the pain and itching. Perhaps I could try using a used tea bag to see if that would help.
Old wives' tale or not, we decided I could give it a go for a week or two and report back after my project deadline.
Now, I only use loose-leaf Assam rather than teabags, so I scooped some of the cold leaves out of the pot and put them on some kitchen roll as a compress.
A fortnight later and I was back at the surgery. She told me to drop my trousers and jump on the couch facing the wall with my knees drawn up. I heard her shuffle closer with the chair and she used gloved hands to get a better view.
"Well," she said in hushed tones "Your piles are no better, but you are at a crossroads in your life. You will be going on a journey and meet a tall dark handsome stranger."
🤣
The punchline is:
“Shit, I’ve just realised the doctor had both hands on my shoulders……”
Feel free to work backwards to complete the joke.
Tea leaves one is good, but there's another that ends "Not you, me" which is good if you know it.
or
"where should I put my trousers?"
"Over here on the chair next to mine....."
I had a flare up of Haemorrhoids when backpacking around Europe at age 24- (yes I've had them numerous times since my early 20s 🙁 )
Anyway I was in Lyon, very embarrassed I went in numerous Chemists looking for a man behind the counter and eventually asking "Avez vous creme pour Les Haemorrhoids?, creme pour mon derriere?"
Chappie had no idea what I was on about so of course I just said it louder and louder until he got it.
Another 'finger in the fundament' thread.
GPs only go in with the finger - suitably gloved - or a lubed probe; they'll have a look at the externals.
Any internal looking is a hospital job - colonoscopy - and you can see what the camera sees on the screen just to your left, or is to the right?
Why do I keep clicking on this thread ffs.
It's a Trainwreck.
Specifically this one
I had to have a PR exam Ie finger up the bum.
which of the local gps to pick?
the hearty rugger bugger with hands like shovels or the nice young lady with wee tiny hands that might miss things?
I mean - which one do you want checking your prostate?
Was there any jewelry or watches lost by the medical staff?
This must be the worst thread I have ever seen here. As the dad to a daughter who is a doc who has to treat people like you guys I wish I’d never clicked on it.
I wish I’d never clicked on it
I say that to myself every time I click on it. And yet I still seem strangely drawn to it. What is wrong me?
Perhaps the revulsion and cringing reaction it provokes is more than compensated by the huge gratitude which it makes me feel for having never experienced any anal issues beyond the occasional itchy arse.
Why do I keep clicking on this thread ffs.
I assumed he was hoping there's going to be some photos at some point?
My GP is a guy about my age. When I went to see him about bum bleeding I wasn't sure if it was a blessing that he referred me straight away to get a colonoscopy or not.
I've heard so many horror stories about the snip - mostly on here. When i finally bit the bullet I was referred by my GP to some random out of the way GP practice. Seemed a bit odd to me.
Turns out this GP has been doing them for 35 years. He sets aside Friday specifically. No assistant, just a back room. He was a legend. Tiny incisions, none of the expected 'kick in the balls' a bit of burning bacon. We had a chat and before i knew it it was over. Told me to pull the stitches out myself, which I did. Probably the worst part was the hair growing back again.
Back in my late teens I had a motorbike crash.
Both arms snapped at wrists and bent back on themselves.
A memory that will never leave me is after waiting hours for x rays etc it was finally time to go down to get ready for surgery but I was desperate, DESPERATE for a pee.
Queues two young (same age as me back then) beautiful nurses told to take me down to get ready for the operation.
I managed to say I needed to go for a pee but once in the cubicle it dawned on me I couldn't hold my penis due to the broken wrists.
I sheepishly came out and said id been. No way was I asking for a, erm, hand.
That desperate need to pee is a stronger memory in my mind than the pain of the broken wrists.
Cheers for the laugh guys... Making me feel a little less self conscious at least. Overdue a check up and know the news isn't going to be what I want to hear, so thanks for make the mood a little lighter!
My only story (so far, I guess I'll have more soon!) was from when I was 18 and was rushed to hospital to have my appendix removed... Similar to Cougar, Doc came and told me I needed a finger up my arse to check what was going on. I was very uneasy, and then he asked if I minded (like I had a choice!) if he got one of his students to come and have a go... 18yr old me was in a real panic...
Imagine my relief when this tiny little 5ft tall Asian woman with tiny hands appears and gloves up... I'd just started to relax a little bit, and then she went in...
I'm pretty sure she left some jewellery in there, and she must have had a tide mark past her elbow when she pulled out... Having grown up in the 80's watching James Herriot's "All Creatures Great and Small", I felt like the cow in the episode where James leaves his watch behind when he pulls out!
I wonder if there is a similar thread on Mumsnet? 🤔
“Well,” she said in hushed tones “Your piles are no better, but you are at a crossroads in your life. You will be going on a journey and meet a tall dark handsome stranger.”
I’m howling here!
I wonder if there is a similar thread on Mumsnet
If anyone has kids, they'll be aware of the method used for checking how far dilated the mum to be is. What they don't warn you about is that if you're in a protracted labour, there may be several personnel changes in that time with different midwives, senior midwives, doctors, etc all 'having a hand in' delivering the baby.
At times it seems like a procession of random people wandering in, saying hello and shoving a hand up your wife's chuff. I drew a line when the bloke emptying the bins started gloving up, but I think the catering manager's apron fooled me long enough for him to cop a feel.
Not sure if I was in A&E with daughter or the specialist hand unit with MrsMC when some lad about 14 years old came through with both wrists/hands in plaster, followed by his mum and a doctor, who pointed out that he would be completely unable to use his hands for 6 weeks and mum would have to help with "everything"
The look on his face was priceless.
Great thread. I had my first finger up the bum (on medical grounds) a couple of years ago due to excessive blood on the paper. Female doc explained it was likely piles but there was one way to be sure, eyeing the examination table. Trousers down, knees to chest, brace... She slipped it up and I just burst out laughing. She said "I've never had that response before" and I spent the rest off the chat giggling away and apologising. Put a proper spring in my step for the rest in the day.
Oh, and I went to see a consultant last year for a lump in my groin. He couldn't feel anything but insisted on a good rummage in the general area. Had to "drop my breeks" in his words and he went at my junk like kneading dough, only his hands were like an XL whereas mine are a Small, which was quite demoralising.
My uncle Vinnie had a touch of bleeding out of his bum, put it down to nobbies and didn’t bother the doctor. Turned out to be cancer and it eventually killed him quite nastily.
Just came on to say similar to above. Bleeding from the bum is not normal, if you get any blood coming out your arse get yersel to the doc. If the bleeding continues keep going back until it's stopped. Bleeding from the bum is a sign of colon/rectal cancer and can be treated well if caught early.
Ask me how I know this as my arse has been sewn up and I shit out my tummy now. 😐
This thread must be the perfect example of comedy and tragedy.
My last next door neighbour who was a quite attractive paramedic told me she was called out to an incident where an old man had got trapped on a toilet seat by somehow trapping his ballsack between the underside of the seat and top of the toilet bowl.
He was pretty calm apparently. I still shudder thinking of the pain.
Bowl Cancer Screening was quite bizarre, 6 people and me (4 female nurses 1 male doctor and a female doctor) all watching a TV displaying the inside my anal passage like it was gogglebox. 😀 For them it was propabably the 30th show of the day !
It's never much fun having any inspections down there.
Since my early 20's i've had
Pilodinal sinus op's x 4
Anal fissures mixed with hemorrhoids.
I had the anal fissures sorted with botox no less! really did the job, would thoroughly recommend pursuing that if you suffer with them. The very amusing side effect of uncontrollable flatulence for a couple of weeks too, good excuse for farting in any case.
I still get the hemorrhoids now, pretty much all the time.
I also get a horrendous pain after passing which lasts for hours, doctors have carried out 3 x unsuccessful colonoscopies, countless finger investigations and a baroscopy where they inflated my colon so they could have a look about and conduct a scan.
None of which have been successful in diagnosing the issue, currently awaiting an appointment to be put under general so they can have a good look.
A pain in the arse is just that! I'm at year 20 of my saga, chin up
Been there, done that.
Neither of us particularly enjoyed the experience, as far as I could tell.
This thread must be the perfect example of comedy and tragedy.
U OK hun?
Double post
Been there, done that.
No T-Shirt ?.
I mean, what is a thread without pictures 😕
"Oh crap, we have run out of small catheters again, well let's use the big ones we have left" said one of the friendly female nurses who came to help with my locked-up bladder after my leg operation.
It is apparently common issue after general anesthesia.
phoned the GP and was told take a picture and send it in… yeah right !
Since lock down and tighter restrictions on F2F appointments, our patients seem to be in a competition to see who can send us the most er..."vivid" picture. When you open some files you really don't want to be 1. having your lunch, or 2 just squinting a bit with a finger hovering over the delete key...
.
1. Does the doctor/hospital really need to be informed of a minor case of piles?
2. Does Singletrack Forum " " " " " etc
1. Does the doctor/hospital really need to be informed of a minor case of piles?
Possibly not.
But the first time I had it in my early 20s, I thought the world was ending with the pain and had no idea what it was.
Ever had a bout of Jeremys the morning after a night out and a late night Kebab dripping in hot chilli sauce?
Up there with the worst pain I've ever encountered. Had to sit in a shallow bath that had a dash of dettol in for about half an hour to ensure cleanliness and to soothe the pain.
Heard about a friend of a friend who had bad piles, had to go for an op. After the op he was gently and carefully coming down the stairs at home, farted, which induced horrendous pain that was so severe it made him pass out and he fell the rest of the way down the stairs.
Been examined by the doctor, they can (or used to) be able to prescribe a cream that was far more effective than what you can get off the shelf. Can't remember what it was called but it was sensational stuff.
Doctor told me never have an operation unless things get really bad as the results aren't guaranteed and you can end up worse than before. Managing them through eating habits and lifestyle choices is the best way. Which means not much beer as drinking beer creates extra pressure due to its gassy nature apparently.
Alongside Eraserhead and the Cuckoo's Nest, that Pink Tunnel movie still haunts me. Plus the two crabby old nurses laughing at my bag of pigeon decoys (true story) whilst burning my bacon, I've had a hard paper round.
Doctor told me never have an operation unless things get really bad as the results aren’t guaranteed and you can end up worse than before. Managing them through eating habits and lifestyle choices is the best way. Which means not much beer as drinking beer creates extra pressure due to its gassy nature apparently.
The general statistic is that 1 in 10 patients are harmed in hospital care. Not necessarily through surgery.
https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/patient-safety
CO2 in beer is removed well before it gets to your bowel... burrrrp. But, it can cause constipation.