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Close friend of mine has descended into a black hole of anxiety / depression and drinking. He has unfortunately moved away from me so I cannot talk to him often or meet up with him easily
He has reached a point of knowing he needs help and is ready to accept it but NHS counselling where he lives has a long waiting list. He really cannot wait the despair he is in. I have paid for 4 sessions of private counselling for him ( not cheap!) He has been prepared to accept this help and the money has been paid in such a way as he cannot spend it on getting pissed. Its a gift not a loan. He never asked me for this help - I offered.
The question is how long do I do this for? I can afford it even tho its £60 a weekly session and he has been getting benefit from it so far. Do I say - ( for example) another 4 sessions? Do I accept its an open ended commitment? Do I put a cap on what I am prepared to spend?
thought chaps - I need the STW view on this to clarify my mind.
Can you speak to the counsellor and explain the situation and get them to put a timescale on it ?
It’s probably much easier for them to manage your friends expectations than it would be for you.
Not easily PP. My pal has no expectations - very surprised I paid for the 3rd and 4th sessions. He has no idea I am thinking of paying for more.
I’d probably keep paying for the sessions for as long as I thought that it was helping but also actively encouraging him to seek alternative help from his GP and any other sources.
Damn, I wish I'd had a friend like you a few years ago! Good on for supporting him in this way.
Agreed contact the counselor and explain the situation. Are you not able to perhaps counsel him yourself via Skype or phone. Maybe I'm wrong but don't you work in mental health yourself? If yes or even if no you always come across as a decent reasoned individual .
Have you tried asking the counsellor to reduce his or her rates?
They are often willing to do so in difficult circumstances especially if your friend could visit them at non busy times. Perhaps worth a try.
Other than that, I'd put a cap on what you are willing to spend.
Btw ..I had expensive counselling for exactly the same reason.The counsellor was a highly experienced and well thought of professional but tbh any kind level headed compassionate person would have been as good .I have also used the Samaritans drop in and if you get the right person it can be well worth doing.
NHS counselling was IME very poor despite the wait .I got some girl who looked like a child and seemed to have as much life experience and wisdom as a stone.
I'm sorry Perchy....... but "put a timescale on it?".......
That is not how therapy works. A good counsellor will always assume that the current session they are working on could be the last.
How on earth would "timescales" work? Imagine a counsellor saying to a client "You're not cured today but during next Fridays session you will be." It just makes no sense.
Tjagain..... its brilliant that your mate has gotten to the point of being willing to accept help BUT has he truely reached rock bottom and is he truely doing it for himself or is he doing therapy because you have offered and he feels obliged in some way?
If he is doing it "for you" or for some other external reason then any gains achieved from therapy will be probably be short lived.
TJ...... Good luck with whatever you decide and remember that your first responsibility is actually to yourself. How do you intend to stay level and cope with all this added pressure? Have you got your own support network?..... taking on the responsibility of your mates problems will undoubted take its toll on you.
Stay safe and have a happy Xmas.
PS.... Got to ask...... Who decided he needed counselling? You? Him? GP? Mental health services?
good points Simon
His motivations? He knows and understands that without change he is in big trouble - relationship collapse, death by drinking sort of trouble. I am fairly sure he is doing it for the right reasons. The minute I think he is not engaged with it then the funding stops.
Me? I am happier knowing I am doing something. I ain't taking responsibility for him at all. I am not taking his problems on my shoulders which is a large part why I am not attempting to counsel him myself - that and it doesn't really work when you try to mix professional and friendship
Who decided he needed it? Good question. He has been seeing folk on and off for a while thru the NHS but lost that when he moved away. I did most of the arranging of this thru his partner. I think that when it was offered he leapt at the chance. He would have refused if he thought it would not help. GP had reffered him for NHS counselling I think and he had also had support from local MH services
He is coming north over the holidays and I hope to get the chance to chat with him
I am a general nurse but have some training in counselling so have a little awareness of how it works and his limitations
Thanks for your thoughts.
That is not how therapy works
Sad to say, but in the NHS, that’s exactly how it works.
You get six sessions ......and then you don’t unless you have the means to pay for it privately.
Not unreasonable to suggest that a counsellor with a great deal of experience and after already having had four sessions with a patient should then be able to roughely estimate the number of sessions required to see enough improvement that the patient is no longer in crisis.
I was fortunate to be at Uni when I needed some help, after a relationship break up. The Uni had a councillor, but TBH, as someone said further up, anyone willing to listen would have helped...
Admitting I needed help was tough but a game changer though.
The NHS appointment eventually came through, months later. Had I waited that long I honestly doubt I would have needed it anyway...
There was a forum that helped too.(No, not this one..). I think it was NetDoctor or something. Knowing there were others feeling the same helped.
I still get the occasional bout of feeling low. This time of year doesn’t help. Fresh air & a bit of exercise helps. Having a dog again keeps me ticking along.
I wish I had a mate like you back when I needed help. Hope he is doing ok.
Tj....... Thought you might like these links. I've used them at school. Might be out of your age range but could give you some ideas (Particularly "Kooth" actually..... its free and ANOMINOUS - therefore possibly not dependent on age actually! Wink! Wink!)
kooth.com
early help for mental health (eh4mh.co.uk)
Nice one Tj, a great gift for your friend and potentially life changing...
Would it work to chat with your friend and if they see benefit, go with a steady change of payment responsibility from you to him? You reduce, say by a tenner and he starts off at a tenner as a sign of taking responsibility for his own situation? You come down by a tenner, he goes up by the same amount etc etc?
I am not sure what community resources are available where you live; but around here in South Wales they have Mind who do free counselling sessions. Typically its with trainee counsellors supervised by qualified ones.
Could be worth getting in touch with your local CMHT see whats available.
I can give you both nothing but my very best wishes. I love that this forum offers so much support to those in need - I wish I could do more to help.
No useful advice beyond saying you are clearly a good friend to them.
My only vague thought would be it would probably be best for them to take it over since financial investment in a problem often helps commitment (eg rickmeister suggestion) but depends on the costs vs their financial position.
Would AA be any help?
Ta folks
One of the things I treasure this forum for is the broad range of knowledge and the perspective you lot offer
Thanks
Well done TJ and some good ideas already posted. There are some free services around but pretty much limited.
I've been using a charity service for most of this year, The Listening Place in London, it's only an hour every 2 weeks but when things were worse for me I was going every week. I know Mind offers free counseling but places fill up fast. Some Samaritans offices offer a drop in service.
Otherwise there is CALM, Campaign Against Living Miserably by phone or online and AA sounds like a good option to aim for obviously.
As others have said, this is immensely decent of you TJ.
As someone who's had a lifelong battle with mental health issues I can vouch that good counselling can be amazingly beneficial but also pricey if you go down the private route. I did find someone who was both extremely experienced and prepared to offer a somewhat reduced rate for someone on a low income (quite a rarity). As others have said, a good counsellor should work on the premise that the current session could be the last and work towards the quickest, safe resolution to a situation, but open-ended counselling can be hugely expensive (often with timescales of years rather than months - as was the case for me) so you'll need to be careful and honest to you friend and yourself as to what you can offer (I personally believe the the 6 session only approach to counselling offered by the NHS can do more harm than good by taking the lid off the can of worms and then dumping you to deal with it).
For myself, one of the biggest benefits comes from 'normalisation' of problems (realising that you're not the only one struggling with an issue - and therefore 'weird') in a peer-support situation; support groups really helped me (they're often charitably run and availability can be a bit patchy). There are also plenty of peer-support resources on the internet but this is obviously a double edged sword of a resource and care is needed to find something safe.
I'd also suggest equipping your friend with contacts for crisis situations such as the Samaritans (it's a particularly tough time of year - as is the New Year).
People have mixed opinions of the pharmaceutical approach to mental health issues but, personally, I'd recognise that it has made a huge difference and enabled me to lead a relatively normal life (it does rather require more than a disinterested GP who puts the first antidepressant they can think of on repeat prescription though).
Don't discount the NHS route, quality is hugely patchy but a referral to the local Community Mental Health Team (which may take months) will open up access to a variety of other resources and much more specialist support than a GP can provide (and hopefully, crisis support options).
Take care of yourself too and be careful not to get caught feeling responsible for your friend or any outcomes (easier said than done, but the more good support resources he can aquire, the better I'd say).
Nothing to add other than he’s lucky to have such a caring friend. Good luck to him and I hope he’s getting better.
In case anyone is interested ( dunno if you are but I find it frustrating sometimes not knowing how things turn out on here) the chap in question has turned a real corner He is no longer in a self destructive downward spiral so its money well spent. One of the things the counsellor has encouraged him to do is some woodcarving so he is going to make me something. My commitment to funding is ending at a sum I am content with and at a point I feel I can withdraw without issues. Friendship intact as well.
Good to hear. Thanks for the update. And well done for being a good human.
Hopefully it makes up for all the times I have been an utter * * **** 😉
i wouldn't go that far 😉
I would and I've never even met you 😁
Anyway, I've been through all the counselling stuff, the community outreach programmes, CBT and eventually, AA.
I'm currently trying to help a very good friend who's stuck on heroin. Has been for about 25 years but has finally come to realise that the self medication he needed as a 20 something is perhaps not what he needs now.
Through repeated conversations with him and many others like him, it's become obvious that the only thing which helps is a massive change of situation - a sideways step. Not up. Not down.
A total change of place, friends, work - whatever it takes. Throwing money at the problem just does not help.
Take the cash you were going to use, double it and cycle round the west coast with him. Eat scones, drink tea, ensure he returns to a different situation.
Sounds ridiculous but there should be gvmnt grants for this kind of genuine help.
Wow! That's such a kind, generous and caring thing to do, thank you for sharing as it's good to hear that there are decent people about. I'm currently on 3 suicide attempts and month 22 of an 18 month waiting list (special needs) for therapy after an assault and other issues, my friends told me to **** off. Hence why I'm here, lol
User removed - for addiction like that you are 100% right. My pal did that but took his demons with him. The talking therapy has helped him control his demons. I go trekking with him when we can - a lot of peace of mind is found out in the hills. today we were planning our next trip
aweeshoe - I hope you find some way to learn to tame your demons. A solution is within you. Hopefully you find your way to it with a guide if needed
Great thread and outcome.
Good for you.
Hopefully the therapy can stabilise his mood and get him away from heavy drinking, which always compounds depression.