Have you been to a funeral that didn’t follow the usual song, prayer ,eulogy, prayer ,song format?
Mum died recently and my brother and I are sorting the funeral.
Our childhood wasn’t the best and we both have blanked a lot of it out. No amusing stories to recount. Hence we are struggling to give the celebrant much material to work with.
Mum’s friends are either dead or too old to travel so the small number of mourners present will know as much of mum’s life story as we do.
We have only really got close to mum when she was put in the old folks home 3 years ago. The clean ,loving surroundings made her such a nicer person.
How do we celebrate mum’s life without too much to celebrate?
Have you considered the direct cremation that some funeral directors offer?
That then enables you to have a separate and more appropriate acknowledgement of her life with like minded people.
We had a close family member die a few years ago and were responsible for sorting out the funeral etc. We didnt really have a lot to say about them and we didn't know the vicar at all, but he put together some very nice words based on the meagre information we did have. Very much a celebration of their life in it's simplest form rather than anything especially deep and personal, but at the same time it was.
I think the celebrant (of whatever denomination, or not) will be very used to the sort of situation you describe and be able to use their experience to drawer something together that is appropriate and fitting.
Sorry for your loss. That's a challenging one.
How honest do you think you could be? You know the crowd and yourselves. An honest, reflective appraisal of your early relationship (without needing to go into any detail) more to highlight the positive in the last few years and how much that change in relationship means to you. Can the adult you reflect back on your childhood and have a bit of empathy for how it was for her back then and use that?
Maybe focus on the positive and on what has come from her life life - how many of those there will know who you and your brother are and what your lives are like - what did her life start?
Can you reach out to the oldies who are not going to be there and get some small statements/phrases/words and patch them together? Even if its only a list of words.
Ultimately those there will mostly be there to support you. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. If they hear from two sons that have learnt to love their mum in the last few years and are in a good place now, it'll be job done.
Good luck.
Condolences OP.
Personal perspective, but you don't need a celebrant, anyone can take the ceremony, and you can do the ceremony anyway you want, it's your family and it's your acknowledgements/memories that matter. I don't think there are any rules or legalities you need to follow. No-one is judging
Celebrate/acknowledge your mother's life in a way you and your brother find fitting, and respectful of your mum and anyone else meaningful who might be at the funeral. What matters is that you feel at the end that you have done it how you wanted to do it, how you feel a good ending, rather than any need to conform to any conventions
as an example, my BiL was the "celebrant" or officiant at my father's funeral, a family friend said a few words, his favorite granddaughter said a few words, his son or grandsons didn't feel the need to say anything.
Sorry to hear it zippy.
I'm apparently incharge of my FiLs cremation ceremony. Just in to music, eulogy (me), the business, out to music.
I'm doing the eulogy to the family and some very close friends. I've used AI to do me a structure.
Good luck
Condolences Zippykona.
Personal perspective, but you don't need a celebrant, anyone can take the ceremony, and you can do the ceremony anyway you want, it's your family and it's your acknowledgements/memories that matter. I don't think there are any rules or legalities you need to follow. No-one is judging
This ^^^
First of all condolences during this traumatic time - look after yourself.
My Dad past away last month and his only stipulation for the funeral was that it would be non-religious. The (excellent) local funeral directors put us in touch with a 'celebrant' who dealt with the service and eulogy. We had a sit down with him and he prepared a fantastic eulogy that did Dad justice and captured the tone perfectly - my own efforts wouldn't be anywhere near what was produced. Our 'service' was songs, and eulogy of around 15 mins by celebrant. Don't worry about feeling the need to have humorous stories or anecdotes. When we sat down with ours he asked the questions and we just chatted away. I was worried we didn't give him enough material but they are a professional and really know what to say. We saw the script prior to the funeral to review and that helped as I could be prepared for it on the day. Hopefully your celebrant will be equally engaging and put you at ease. FWIW we didn't have an order of service either as it didn't feel right for us.
Above all else, everyone is different and go with whatever you and your brother feel comfortable with. No one has a right to judge, and a funeral doesn't have to follow a set of rules, so try not to put pressure on yourself.
Sorry for your loss zippykona; I guess this follows on from your previous thread.
Thinking about it, I guess a decent starting point is: why are you, or why is anyone else, sad that she's no longer with you? Beyond the principles (she's your mum), are there specifics?
And what are the things or moments that you remember fondly, that help illustrate why she's worth celebrating. No matter how small, there presumably are some snippets, that might get other people also reminiscing a little about the kind of person she was at her best to each of them.
Apologies if my choice of words isn't great; I went through this last year and was trying to work out how I ended up with what I said. And I thought it while out running and by the time I got home had forgotten the better ways of putting it!
Sorry for your loss. Regardless of how complicated your relationship had been, it's always difficult.
Firstly - an eulogy is not mandated. My father in law (Catholic priest) tolerates them but won't have them for his family. Tempting to have one for his funeral, just to be awkward.
Secondly - it's not an occasion to sugar coat or deify the deceased. It's the opportunity to paint a pen-portrait of some of the individual quirks, with fondness, to raise a knowing smile, and to let all know that, whatever might have happened in their messy lives, they were loved and they left a positive mark (even if it might have been a late redemption in cleaner surroundings).
People won't really remember what you say, but will remember the warmth with which you speak of your mum.
You don't have to run through the chronology of her life - perhaps reflect on the coming together in latter years and the nicer memories there.
The funeral is for you and your brother, not for anyone else IMO. It's ok not to celebrate someone's life if you don't feel that there's much for you to celebrate.
It is still a loss though, even harder when your relationship was complicated. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with it.
Condolences to you and your brother
We have only really got close to mum when she was put in the old folks home 3 years ago. The clean ,loving surroundings made her such a nicer person
Start with that (and maybe then just pretty much stop). Do you think maybe her persona earlier in your lives was a product of "her" situation ? You could acknowledge that, if so, but you don't have to say anything particular - or even anything at all
AS others have said there is no need for a formal funeral. A direct cremation is possible and cheap - thats what MrsTJ wanted. We later had a celebration of her life which is for her friends and family You have no need even to do that if you do not want. It is however a useful cathartic event and gives a chance to mourn. If its just for a small group then tailor it to that.
You can use euphemisms ie "Mums early life was hard and this led her to struggle with raising the family" sort of thing or whatever you want. NO need to use a celebrant either if you or your brother feel able to speak. Personally I dislike using a celebrant who does not know the person.
So for Mrs TJ I had a direct cremation with no one in attendence and a gathering of her friends to celebrate her life. A pal did the very minimal MC bit and I gave the eulogy We did sing a song and raised a toast.
Sorry to hear this Zippykona
I gave my mums eulogy last year and that was very hard indeed. It was quite a traditional funeral as she was quite active in the church.
You don't need any stories or memories to retell. You can just focus on the type of person she was and what she meant to you and how much you will miss her. Need not be too long.
It's not exactly the same but I spoke at my mum's, I just couldn't get my head around the "proper eulogy" thing, not for the same reason as you but it felt basically reductive and shit, summing someone's life up like that, especially in a room of people who knew her better than that anyway. We gave the celebrant some stuff but it was frankly shit, once he'd basically dried it up and removed any personal understanding, so we cut his part short.
So I got annoyed at it and then just kind of said that, and how weird the whole deal is to try and summarise a person, and told a couple of little personal stories about me and her much in the way I would have if she'd been there and I was telling a friend, that not everyone would know- you might be surprised, when you're talking about late life, how little stuff spreads around, her world got small especially right at the end. It felt right and it worked and people actually liked it. Being a small personal congragation (covid, in that case) is part of why I ended up on that track but it really did help make it work, I led with something like "You all knew her as well as I did so I don't need to do that part" sort of thing.
Anyway, no idea if that helps.
Personally I dislike using a celebrant who does not know the person.
It's a challenge for a lot of personal circumstances. In a world where most people no longer attend church and are known to the local vicar there is often no one who both knows the person and feels confident doing this MC roll (because they are not confident speaking in public, don't feel confident with the officialdom, or just know they will struggle with their personal emotions).
We were very lucky when my dad died. A life long atheist in the few years before he died he had got to know a local vicar through a charity they were both involved in. They had sparred frequently over dinner in a 'disagree agreeably' way about a lot things but religion specifically. He'd visited dad in his last hours before he died and asked if he might be allowed to do the MC role at the funeral at the crem. To his credit he did it in civvies with no mention of god throughout with my mum reading from my dad's favourite book, an old friend doing an early life piece and me doing the family memories number with the vic stringing it together. Was perfect for us...but every family situation is different