Help this socially anxious introvert find a suitable job

Are you currently employed? Do you like the job? If yes to both, can you not simply explain to your employer and not be put in such situations?

Lighthouse Keeper?

but I just live in dread fear of being asked to chair meetings etc.

It's not helpful to you but in a lifetime of quite widely varied jobs*, I don't recall ever having to chair a meeting.

*retail, lab research, bike industry, food industry, more bike industry, insurance, yet more bike industry...

What are yours skills, qualifications and interests?

What level of seniority are you looking for?

I’ve got plenty of people in my team who fit the same description to some extent - all engineers & scientists, many of whom are in fairly senior roles and are real industry specialists. In many respects, credibility and competence in one’s field can make up for a lot, but at the very pointy end the good ones are both technically competent and have good interpersonal skills.
<p style="text-align: left;">I’m far from comfortable doing a lot of what you describe, but unfortunately it comes with the territory of being a manager. I end most weeks emotionally exhausted as I spend most of the working week dealing with people (colleagues, clients)</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">Earlier in my career, I found attending trade shows and conferences helped a little - lots of fleeting interactions with people you’ll probably never have to see again, to build up confidence, but with a safety net of being able to fade into the anonymous mass of people if you need.</p>

Anything in IT that doesn't involve support work - eg. developer.

physically anxious if that’s possible?

oh yes, it’s certainly possible. Cheery nervous wave from fellow anxious person.

So, to really give career advice we need a bit more info. Where are you in your career at the moment? Willing to train? Looking for an easy shift? Earnings expectations?

Meanwhile, I can speak more on the anxiety point. I’m curious to know how old you are, but regardless, I wouldn’t condemn yourself to a life of quietly working on your own. Even though that might be what you want now, and even though that’s not a bad thing (and perhaps condemn is a poor choice of word), it needn’t always be the case.
Personally, I was a shy kid. But at university I bloomed, eventually lecturing to classes of students. Then I went into industry (science and engineering) where there’s plenty of people like me and you. In fact, we’re probably the majority! Today, I feel more socially anxious than ever though. But I believe it might settle again, I’m currently blaming the pandemic and working to get back to being more socially confident. Today, I might dread even being in a meeting, yet alone chairing it, but before long I’m the loudest guy in the room because I’m confident in my work, if not in my person! My work ‘persona’ is not really me. It does knacker me. I know when to take a break from people and I don’t mind telling them I need to go for a walk to get away from them all! And I’d rather take lunch on my own thanks.

It’s still ok to find your way in with a quiet non-social job, and you may choose to stay there. But you might change as you grow (no matter how old you are now).

Would you be interested in computer programming - a lot of that involves working by yourself rather than in large groups? Have you tried noise cancelling headphones in a noisy work environment, these cut out a lot of the background noise in an office environment

What are your skills and experience for a start?

Are you currently employed? Do you like the job? If yes to both, can you not simply explain to your employer and not be put in such situations?

Yep. If OP has ASD or similar, employer should consider reasonable adjustments in order to comply with Equality Act 2010. This can include tweaking duties as you suggest.

When I've expressed something similar to managers I've found they have the idea of wanting to push me outside my comfort zone. I don't know if they have a clear idea of what that means or why it would help.

Admittedly I haven't gone down the route of saying this is an adjustment they need to make for me, but it's not always as simple as asking.

wanting to push me outside my comfort zone

Yes, it's this thing that you're expected to work on your weaknesses rather than your strengths. I hate it.

If you're working with data then the need to actually present results is going to pop up again and again.  But luckily not many people have (stupid) high expectation levels for the quality of presentation.

As above , what now, where, seniority, and what do you like? The latter makes the public bit easier.

Luckily things like organising big meetings, workshops etc. are easy to avoid, but that will limit how far you can go? But time can make these things easier

Sad that people have missed the obvious furniture polisher joke! 😛

In reality it depends on both you and the job, most software jobs can also involve interaction with others, having said that, you will hopefully also find people who understand how to manage people with your personality type and people who understand how to work with it.

Good luck finding what works for you.

Admittedly I haven’t gone down the route of saying this is an adjustment they need to make for me, but it’s not always as simple as asking.

Well you'd need to be diagnosed or going through the process of diagnosis for a relevant condition.

And the adjustments might be recommended by an occupational health person, but you'd have input on them obvs.

OK, two things.

1) you've listed what you can't do. And that's fine, I can relate (my god can I relate). But it's negativity which will put up a barrier. What can you do? What are you good at? Where would you thrive?

2) I may be putting 2 and 2 together here and getting pi so apologies if I've misread between the lines but, the IT industry as a whole is maturing to the idea of recognising that being neurodivergent is actually a good thing.

A very old friend and former protégé of mine got a job in cybersecurity recently. I was talking with an even older friend who was his new boss (because I have spies everywhere), asking how he was fitting in because, y'know, he's clearly on the Autistic spectrum and can just be a bit of an oddball generally. "Are you kidding?" the boss replies, "he's about the most normal person on the team."

... because, you sound like me.

I worked in an open plan office for a while and in a very real sense it was driving me quietly mad. I fixed it in the end by using guerilla tactics to commandeer a disused room as my office.

Sad that people have missed the obvious furniture polisher joke! 😛

That deserved more recognition.

Are you in a big enough organisation to speak with Occupational Health? My organisation doesn't require a diagnosis of neurodivergency to get OH involved, and suffering anxiety is an equally valid reason. It is something many of us suffer to varying degrees and very individual. A lot of us will consider ourselves neurodivergent but it's not necessarily that, but if it is then the understanding it can be helpful to focus on the positives, as Cougar says.

Forestry industry is way short of people and very open to those with experience outside the sector.  Get lost in the woods, count some trees and make some nice data sets. Someone else can work out what to do and talk to contractors.

That sounds like the job for me timber!

Some kind of environmental surveying - as timbur says. There's lots more wildlife type ones.

Merchant seaman - doesn't need to be international, could be Calmac/Northlink/ local boat size of trip.

Train driver.

Mechanic / body shop / truck or bus fitter.

Lots of wind farm / renewables / electric network / engineering on practice type jobs where you work in small teams or less.

Trucl driver.

Hello and apologies for the delayed response. Thanks for all your replies, there's definitely some food for thought there. I'll try and answer as broadly as I can.

Seniority - lower middle management in government. I've struggled with the whole promotion process. I'm not looking to senior management but just a promotion or pay befitting what ithijk my skills are .

Skills - low code stuff Microsoft power platform. Excel too. Digital eg web content management. SharePoint.

Job interest - I've been drawn to aviation, trains but couldn't get through hire process. I kind of like my low code job and data but just sometimes feel sat at home doing that a bit lacking in fulfilment. Something practical, stimulating and above average salary would be ideal with wfh too.

I've had some interviews recently which were encouraging.
One low code which I actually enjoyed as they asked practical questions rather than behaviour based civil service ones. Fingers crossed as they've put me on a reserve list for future jobs.
Another data job offered me a role on 5k more but I'd have to be in office 70 miles away once a week whereas currently I only have to attend once or twice a month. It's a tough decision. I'm siding with reluctantly declining it as that journey could get very old especially in winter.

Thanks again for your help.

Presumably being a home worker they would pay travel expenses when you had to go somewhere other from your regular place of work. I get that coming out at about £220/month which is about half of your extra £5k gone if they aren't.

140 miles a week so that's, what an extra half day's "work" a week? 25 extra days across the year unpaid would take another bite out of that £5k.

20 years ago I'd probably have leaped at working from home four days a week. Today, balls to sitting on the M6 for four hours of my life just to get to work, I'm older and grumpier and the world has changed.

You missed the crux question which was the first reply.

If you're not working currently, what do you have to lose? Take the jobb keep looking for something better, bin it if you find something.

Thanks @cougar
I hadn't thought of the travelling time equating to an extra half day unpaid work a week. It's with my current employer but required time in office is dependent on line managers so some people get paid more and only have to attend twice a month if that.

Line Manager dependent? So is there an actual reason for you to be going in other than a manager says "you should come in"? Is there something in particular which cannot be done remotely?

Take the job offer with the caveat that you're not going to come into the office unless there's a genuine need to do so. What's the worst they can do, withdraw their offer and then you're in exactly the same place you would be if you turned it down yourself?

the IT industry as a whole is maturing to the idea of recognising that being neurodivergent is actually a good thing.

Yes they are and as the IT industry has attracted a lot of autistic people (easily recognised as I am myself) it sort of had to. I hate noisy environments, I have no social skills, cannot present, don't like large groups, have no filter so can be very to the point/blunt etc,. and the pandemic was brilliant for me to just get on with my job while working at home without the noise of the overly social aspect.

The fact that I am good with data and very objective has been seen as a benefit where I work.

When I’ve expressed something similar to managers I’ve found they have the idea of wanting to push me outside my comfort zone

Politely ask them to get the **** out of your comfort zone.

I'm socially anxious and often have to be in chairing roles, for work and volunteering roles. I put on a front, and then need a long lie down to recover.

Theres more research and articles around using tbe strengths of introverts rather than seeing it as a weakness, waiting for employers to adopt it rather than pay lip service to it.

Yeah I hate the "get out of your comfort zone" BS to, where I work had a push to improve soft skills a few years back - I ended up on a 'Presenting Skills' course. Day 1 task 1 was a role-playing exercise in front of the rest of the group - ffs, that's like my worst nightmare 🙁 I didn't actually go to day 2 and just said some issue had come up so I needed to prioritise that...

Someone at work asked for tips to encourage engagement in Teams meetings and said they were looking for ideas for icebreakers and breakout room activities.

They were upset when I suggested I'd sooner engage in root canal surgery, and we were both surprised how many people agreed with me.

Quick update - I've been offered a job in low code area. Their website says their neurodivergent which I'm hoping is good. It's closer to home and pays more but now I'm sad about potentially leaving a team who I like working with and I found the 120 mile twice monthly commute strangely enjoyable for getting me out of the house. I've not started a new job in ages so hoping it's just a fear of change. Head is all over the place. My lizard brain says don't change but I know nothing stays the same forever. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

OP I resemble how you describe yourself. I have worked at same place for over 20 years. In the last few years 'officially' my role hasn't changed, but I have been expected to take on a lot more responsibility; and my workload has increased significantly to the point it's unworkable!

I haven't been happy for a while and have been applying for other jobs for a few months. I've had it on good authority that I'm going to be offered one this week. I've gone into anxiety overload because change is scary to me, and familiar feels safe. If it all pans out I'm going to try and push myself to go for a new job because deep down I know most of the problems with my current one are unlikely to change.

Good luck with your own situation.

@burntembers good luck to you too. Agree about feeling comfortable and not minding it. Hopefully change will be good for us if a little scary. I've been telling myself it's just a job and can always jack it in. Thanks 👍

I’ve been offered a job in low code area.

good news. Give it a good go. What’s the worst that can happen?

I love this thread. I’m personally gonna make a renewed effort to push back against misguided HR efforts to “push me out of my comfort zone”, but wary to keep pushing myself to not get too comfortable.

And btw, I think you’re shooting at a very good target in the low-code/no-code BI arena. It’s gonna get busy soon, good skills to build.

now I’m sad about potentially leaving a team who I like working with

Give it a month, you won't be giving them a second thought.

I found the 120 mile twice monthly commute strangely enjoyable for getting me out of the house.

You can still get out of the house. Look at a map, pick somewhere green that's an hour away. This is just self-discipline.