 You don't need to be an 'investor' to invest in Singletrack: 6 days left: 95% of target - Find out more
Pretty simple and purely theoretical. But can we build a bike that everysingle component will induce fits of apoplexy?
They don't actually have to work togetherr. So with that inmind....
Frame- le monde tete de Course Ti/Carbonframeset - clearly the carbon will explode and the ti will crack.
Forks- steel because its for luddites and its heavy.
Mudguards - any mudguards will have the desired effect.
Wheel size- 650b upfront 26" at back (one tubeless the other a 29er tube)
Brakes- canti on the front Avid hydraulic disk on the back.
Anything hope in the fluorescent colours they do.
Shirley you need to include a GXP BB.
Quill stem
Stem - one of those three-tonne adjustable angle things. .....
.....
... on a massive pile of spacers.
Bar ends.
Do your wheels the other way around... 29 at the back, 650b up front.
Drivetrain wise, fixie or 3 x 7 with a screw on cassette., shifter manufacturer to not match derailleur manufacturer.
I take it fixed gear is a given?
surroundedbyhills - MemberQuill stem
Quill [i]flex[/i]stem.
Gel filled saddle cover from Sports Direct for 3 quid.
[img] 
[/img]One of these:
Have you lot been looking at my bike?
bar ends
...on a riser bar.
But fixed gear is light whereas alfine 11 is heavy.... also ficed gear leaves only one brake type to argue over.
make it electric with a huge f*** off battery and a really loud whining when its going
Surroundedbyhills is goood at this!
Where is the most offensive place to mount a mirror.
Riser bar with bar ends or offroad drops with the cinelli aerobar thingumies
Isis cranks, BioPace rings, Girvin flex Stem.
The drivtrain must never be maintained in any way, so it's orange with rust, and squeaks like a distressed hamster.
Add a Lefty. But make it old school headshok…
[img] 
[/img]
One of these:
Especially as its on the wrong side!
What about rider attire?
side-car
What about rider attire?
Suit trousers with clips, Hi-Viz and massive helmet with camera on top.
mismatched tyres, logos/valve not aligned.
Bike to be photgraphed in an unkempt garden.
Attire? full Pro road kit, full face helmet and a camelbak.
White cable ties that have been left uncut.
different colour brake and gear cables that loop out uncontrollably at the front.
Toe clips...
Naturally its all going to go on top of a car to a trail centre driven by an above average driver with 9points.
Haven't Orange being doing this for a while now?
'Made' by a car manufacturer.
Land Rover
Audi
BMW
Trabant?
Give it a frame shape other than diamond. Y bike or that paperclip thing.
Mismatched coloured tyres and rims.
Add Spokey Dokeys and a huge ring ring bell or clown horn?
Seized budget suspension forks mounted back to front with rust on the chromed stanchions.
Hub gears with triple chainset and front shifter.
Gumwall tyres
Don't forget timetrial bars.
And a horn
and a phone mount
and a big bell
and adjusters for suspension, etc - fork, rear shock, dropper
Hope QRs
titanium spokes
flex stem and linkage fork.
and of course, a Kirk magnesium frame
[img] 
[/img]
I'd suggest a Slingshot frame.
Coda disks.
Kronolog seatpost.
Powa DFender.
can the mismatched wheels have Enve rims please? ideally in pink.
Neon frame tape.
[img] 
[/img]
this bicycle will definitely need a crocheted top tube pad.
Can it have one of those bottle cages on the back of the saddle too?
Some big decisions to be made here...
Wicker or metal mesh basket?
Front or back wheel for bottle dynamo on tyre?
One or two leg kickstand?
Niche headbadge or built in bottle opener?
Stickers saying "Enduro Specific" on everything.
bar ends
...on a riser bar.
High rise with a supporting strut
scotroutes - MemberStem - one of those three-tonne adjustable angle things. .....
.....
... on a massive pile of spacers.
Can we combine it with a Flexstem?
have we done 'rider's name' sticker on the top tube yet?
This cycle stand and basket
[img] 
[/img]
Although this seems a good place to start the project
[img] 
[/img]
Gripshift
[url= http://www.greentyre.co.uk/bicycle-tyres.php ]Greentyre[/url] blizzards.
If it has a Flexstem,then it needs a set of powerstraps(homemade)
[img] 
[/img]
titanium spokes straight laced
reflectors all round
dynamo lights
big fat lady saddle
raleigh north rounder handlebars
DezB - Member
bar ends
...on a riser bar.
High rise with a supporting strut
Upside down on a big rise stem.
[img] 
[/img]
It'll need High Performance componentarayaray!
or simply write Orange on one side and Santa Cruz on the other.
Mikewsmith for the win.
An original dropper post
[img] 
[/img]
Handlebar streamers,Gel saddle cover and propstand......??
Needs to be folding in some way too, but kitted out with equipment like great big panniers so you could never fold it
Crud claw ( allowing for a 46t gear )
[img] 
[/img]
forks must be on backwards
LoCo - Memberforks must be on backwards
But, must be reverse arch.
The tyres should be one with the amber/skin wall and one black wall
The rider should be obliged to skid to a halt at any given opportunity, then pop a wheelie when setting off again
How about a generic budget/pound-stretcher helmet, but worn back-to-front as seems to happen all to often in the real world?
flappy, cheap rear mudguard mounted off at an angle
No no no, there's only one contender for the rider's helmet. It HAS to be a Met Parachute (original incarnation).
If it has a Crud Claw its needs a DCD too
[img] 
[/img]
Lets go for the big hits. Maxxis Minion DHR on the back.
and one of these?
[img] 
[/img]
But fixed gear is light whereas alfine 11 is heavy.... also ficed gear leaves only one brake type to argue over.
Dyno / electric hub. Broken, naturally.
Oi, nothing wrong with a DCD, if it's meant to be bad it needs one of them trans-x jockey wheel imitations.
Bar ends should be pointed perpendicular to the ground, so that elderly riders down have to lean too far forwards
downtube friction shifters.
Brakes are good, more brakes must be better.
Disc, roller hub and V brakes all at once please.
Scott at3 bars with fluro bar tape
Lycra covered gel saddle
All this talk of risers seems silly in a world where the combination of butterfly bars and clip on tri-bars exists.
Those comfy touring bars at about 160 degrees with bar ends with tennis balls on the end and a set of tri-bars.
Oh I'm such a loser - beaten to the post..
[img] 
[/img]
Should it not really have three wheels 650 for the front and 29 and 26 for the rear ?
downtube friction shifters
i quite like mine...
Don't forget buckled back wheel and disconnected canti brake.
[img] 
[/img]
It doesnt have to be bad kit it just has to divide opinion! So I am sticking a dropper post.A reallu expensive one Nd eggbeaters because they used to break so they all break.
As for brand I think On One would be the most aggressively argued at the moment. And a Brooks titanium railed jobbie.
Ace! Someone actually built the Homer!