[Closed] Help me train my bowels!

offset all your meals and eat them all 5 hrs earlier?

It may be that it is sparked off by something on your routine - a cup of coffee is a known initiator.

See now I'm the opposite, I've always trained my bowels to be ready during work time - might as well get paid for it!

Go out to Starbucks or McDonald's "for lunch".

*edit* failing that, use the two-flush method.

Get one of these and drive a transit van to work?

[img] [/img]

[url= http://www.boginabag.com/ ]http://www.boginabag.com/[/url]

[edit]

[i]I've always trained my bowels to be ready during work time - might as well get paid for it! [/i]

Although this can cause problems over a bank holiday weekend, ime.

normal digestive tract transit time (from watching food hospital on't telly) is anything between 18-24 hours. try offsettign the meal that you are eating around that time back by 2 hours so you can nip out for a McDump(t)

Just be proud. Walk past the lovelies with a smug look demonstrating your manliness having spent at least 15 minutes in the stall.

I'm pretty sure a single unisex toilet is "illegal" in OfficeWorld.

Your can / should provide gender specific toilets, and can provide a unisex one AS WELL but not instead of.

I'd campaign for a private bog if I were you.

Mcdump, obvioulsy.

I thought everyone does this?

I'll let you in to a little secret.

[i]Everyone else uses the toilet too.[/i] Even those lovely girls. And they might think their shit doesn't stink, but let me tell you...

Mcdump, obvioulsy.

If you get caught on the way in and go "oh, I'll buy something when I come out," it's a McShit with lies.

Step 4 - the user has a supportive comfortable stool

Woot! Woot!

Buy a newspaper.
At 11 am every morning, get up, fold the newspaper under your arm and announce that you are going to the other office and don't wish to be disturbed.

Be a man, poo like a king.

If you get caught on the way in and go "oh, I'll buy something when I come out," it's a McShit with lies.

Would you like to go large?

extra nuggets?

There is something to be said for the 'Walking in proud with a newspaper tucked under one arm and walking out with a satisifed smile and a completed crossword on show' approach.

Perosnally, I'd errm clam up if I thought everyone knew what was going on.

My offices are in the middle of the countryside, no maccy d's for me to escape to. As for changing meal times, been there, tried it, even spent a couple of weeks in a different time zone (for reasons other than bowel training) and still on the dot, 11am GMT that grumbling awoke...

extra nuggets?

And perhaps a Walnut Whip McFlurry.

your boss is a deviant, and has fitted cameras in the bog, it's the only explanation.

leave now, before it gets even weirder.

My offices are in the middle of the countryside,

When I drove tractors on the farm, there was nothing nicer than my morning break: Park the tractor at the top of the field with a beautiful view of the valley below. Overalls round my ankles, leaning against the rear wheel, and finally a polish with some workshop tack rag. Just be careful to check you didnt poo in your overalls coz when you flip them back up you can get a warm thud in the back of your head....

[img] [/img]

[i]My offices are in the middle of the countryside[/i]

lunchtime walks and a contemplative stool in the woods?

No Maccy Ds? The double flusher it is for you.

I'm sure it doesn't need much explaining.

I think what you've got to do is reset your bowels in much the same way that you would a computer. That way you can restart your digestive system so that it fits in with your day.

I've read a lot of good things about Picolax (see link below), so maybe this could help to get this ball rolling, as it were.

[url= http://singletrackmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/ ]Picolax[/url]

If you do try this out though, promise to let us know how you get on. Remember, we're only here to help 😀

And perhaps a Walnut Whip McFlurry.

Just pray it's not a chocolate milkshake! 😯

Sounds like the OP might need to triple flush. Just don't forget to keep nipping it off and lay a large log that can't be flushed!

[i]Even those lovely girls. And they might think their shit doesn't stink, but let me tell you...[/i]

There is NO WAY id ever have had a poo at work, or at college for that matter 😳

My loo, or a maccys, or maybe if it was really bad a public loo, but it would have to be life or death for that to happen

Get out of the office and do a mans job !

it's the mans jobbie that's causing the problem 😉

1 - Misdirection. Open the door, take a half step in and then very obviously recoil before rolling your shoulders, putting on a resigned expression, going in and closing the door.

2 - Pride. Just step out when finished, pause, dust your hands together then fist pump while barking out "Getting it done, OORAH!!"

chojin - Member
No Maccy Ds? The double flusher it is for you.

I'm sure it doesn't need much explaining.

It does. Sorry. 😳

Get a Doctors note:

"To whom it may concern,

Mr Peaks has 'Elevenses Disease' which, far from meaning he gets the nibbles late morning, leaves him with an irresistable urge to evacuate his bowels immediately before lunch.

He'd doing his best to cope under difficult circumstances and would appreciate if you woudl ask your staff to avoid commenting or drawing attention to his behaviour in this area.

Thanks in advance

Dr De'ath."

There is NO WAY id ever have had a poo at work

Madness! Good gods, woman, you're being [i]paid to have a poo![/i] You're missing out on one of life's rare treats.

you're in the middle of the countryside?
Poofresco time.
just remember to pick up a spade and bury what you made.

This is a scene out of "The Office" right,

You are David Brent and I want my £5

Won't you think of all your colleagues who are setting their clocks by you.

Proud to poo is the way to go!

It does. Sorry.

I think our esteemed colleague is suggesting what we in polite circles like to refer to as a "courtesy flush."

Once the Logwarts Express has left the station, an immediate in s(h)itu flush will send the olfactory offence on its merry way. You can then sit at your leisure whilst you wait for any secondary turdettes, do the Times crossword, check your navel for fluff and your nostrils for goblins, read Twitter on your phone, and then clean and polish before everything starts drying out. A second flush will then be required to dispatch the bog roll and pick 'n' mix in the usual manner.

Genuine LOLing at this thread. 🙂

I know of blokes who's wives virtually kick them out of the house because of the stench they make, and having worked in the building trade for many years I can confirm that there's some people that really should not be allowed to drop the kids off at any communal pool 😯

*waves at this thread*

This is way I never!!!

The shame of doing a smelly poo would be too much 😳 plus I am the person that walks out with their skirt tucked into their knickers

Why is this even an issue? Everyone does it. Move along.

wwaswas - Member

Get a Doctors note:

"To whom it may concern,

Mr Peaks has 'Elevenses Disease' which, far from meaning he gets the nibbles late morning, leaves him with an irresistable urge to evacuate his bowels immediately before lunch.

He'd doing his best to cope under difficult circumstances and would appreciate if you woudl ask your staff to avoid commenting or drawing attention to his behaviour in this area.

Thanks in advance

Dr De'ath."

I'm not signing my name to that....

Cracks me up!! I'm a 11:30am guy although out of sync thanks to a double helping of veg curry.

[i]I'm not signing my name to that.... [/i]

ah, I pick the name of a local GP from my youth and it turns out his son/grandson posts on here. Wots the chances of that happening?

I'm sure there's something that could be found that would mean a port-a-loo with a view in the car park was the only solution tot he OP's needs?

Could you sew something like this to your trousers?

8:45am for me, get in the office for 8:15, coffee, check e-mails, off for an Earth Kitt. As Cougar says, it is a rare treat getting paid to poo, some may even choose to work out how much they have earned whilst there by using [url= http://www.workpoop.com/ ]this[/url] handy calculator.

So, to conclude, embrace it, take a paper and take your time.

[i]a rare treat getting paid to poo[/i]

5 out of 7 days doesn't sound that rare...

Why is this even an issue? Everyone does it. Move along.

Really trying to bring my kids up not to get embarrassed about pooing and not burst into fits of giggles if anyone farts.

Can I just say that having someone with the sobriquet "Klumpy" on this thread has made my day?

[i]not burst into fits of giggles if anyone farts. [/i]

😯 good luck with that one.

Everyone finds farts funny.

Even our cat giggles when it drops a good one.

http://www.misternicehands.com/

Get up 2 hours earlier.
Vindaloo & coffee for breakfast,
Poo before 8

see, I dare D0NK to go on CF's link with his kids and not giggle.

Our cat used to look mightily confused when she trumped. Almost like, WTF was that.

Anyway, stride out of trap looking refreshed and loudly announce to everyone "I'd give that a bit".

Some people are just odd about poo'ing. Need a dump? Have a dump! None of this nonsense about only being able to poo at home. If I need to go, I go, not bottling that up for 5 hours. I'd have blood poisoning by then.

Has anyone said....MTFU?

Nothing helpful to add other than the fact that I am, at this very moment, on the throne at work for my regular post lunch clear out. Very relaxing it is.

Plop.

Everyone finds farts funny.

I'd set up a bristol stool chart scoreboard on the back of the door, with a record card with named columns and a pen on a string underneath 😀

I recommend some of you download 'pootimer'

Sorry Peak, it won't help but you can have this little app working on your desktop that lets you know how much you've earned whilst in the trap:)

I love this place - endless important topics to discuss! I have similar eau de toilette issues sometimes - do it before I leave home, and at work. Emsz I acknowledge some amazing will power to keep at bay for a whole working day! Not a chance here, discretion isn't easy either - I sympathise with the OP...

Matches?

Don't be ashamed, be proud!

If the resulting Irish Battleship is of truly epic proportions take a picture on your phone and show it round the office.
Don't forget a little pre flush customisation:
A pastie-pinched pie crust for comic effect always goes down well, as do Groucho glasses and mustache.

Or a little flag with your name and a smiley face. 🙂

don't get me wrong, I'm laughing at this thread but come on! farts are not the height of humour, if you're suffering from flatulence in the same room as me I really don't a running commentary, or predictions on the state of your underwear. And your score on the bristol chart is between you and your doctor thanks.

Or a little flag with your name and a smiley face.

I am, at this very moment, on the throne at work

[i]farts are not the height of humour[/i]

which is why kids find them funny.

This is a shit thread!

😉 😀

Can I just check - "cranking one out" means having a poo right? Or else, there's a whole bigger issue here...

DrP

I'm laughing at this thread but come on! farts are not the height of humour

Err yes they are.
The top two funniest things I've witnessed in my whole life are both farts. The second one I almost passed out I laughed so hard.
Natures inbuilt comedy. 🙂

 

Reminds me of this

[url] http://www.rouge-media.com/pcc/ [/url]

Put in wage...hit the bog button...take a poop and hit stop on return.

Shows you how much you got paid to poo! Genius

The top two funniest things I've witnessed in my whole life are both farts

edit actually as a parent I now understand anything your kids do defies all normal rules so if kids were involved forget I said owt.

Best fart ever ..

Not sure if this has been said.

Let them smell your scent. They'll know how manly you are if you are indeed a man. Then they will all let you do stuff to them - the lovelies that is.

I'm not signing my name to that....

Quack. 🙂

I struggle with long sentences...but a double espresso (or two) followed by a decent breakfast will get things moving.

This thread is unbelievable - I can't believe some people are seriously suggesting that farts AREN'T funny. FFS, what is wrong with you people?! Don't get me wrong, we have to make allowances for context, but on the whole I just just don't understand how it's not funny.

Doctor; what is the problem today?

Patient; I have a bowel movement at 7am every day

doctor; well, thats great, regular motions are healthy.

patient; I don't get up until 8

Just stride on out announcing that you've got a gentleman in reception...

😯 Hippo 😆 😆 😆

The OP has my sympathy. I'm another one fortunate to work in an office where farts are performed with as much gusto as can be mustered. Even the Inspector comes through to the CID office to drop his guts with a smirk on his face, and we endeavour to return the favour. Only Margaret the secretary doesn't approve. And it's considered a great success if one leaves a sufficiently henious stench in the bog to cause the next chap to run straight back out choking and have to poo in the ladies bog instead. I do get a bit cross when people steal my packet of wet bum wipes out of my drawer though.

thegreatape,wet bum wipes,you girlie.

I'm worth it.

Happy bottom = happy greatape.

Sore bottom = grumpy greatape.