[Closed] Help me STW, you’re my only hope.

Bottle of water down boy's front early in the service?

Edit: you don't need to make it look like he's wet himself, but that would add to the amusement.

Kid is ill - job done.

Unable to assist until you reveal what the something else is, if it falls within an acceptable category will endeavour to help.

Turn up drunker than the preist, a tall order but it mght work.

I just said "I don't go to Christenings" and met everyone afterwards. They got over it!

Set your phone to ring early on? I recommend [url=

as your ringtone for best effect.

'i've been banned from every church in england after "the incident"...'?

punch yourself in the nose for a nosebleed?

sudden attack of tourettes?

You could cancel last minute claiming the boy's got a suspected dose of the pox, so you didn't want to take him and risk infecting the baby

this would allow wife/daughter to still go too.

Just don't go, kids are ill, Wife's ill, you're ill, I want to watch the tour, I don't agree with religon, whatever you want.

Christenings are the most pointless of ceremonies, unless of course, they're trying to get into a catholic school...

what DezB said.

Sis-in-law was having a christening and then drinkies in the evening at their house later.

She said I couldnt come to the drinkies unless I cam to the Christening.
"Have a good day, see you another time then" 😈

I HATE christenings and everything they stand for. If anyone really listened to the words of the service and rather than let them wash through them and considered them I think any rational person would agree.

Convert to Islam?

Alternatively, give the kids loads of coke so they make loads of noise and can't behave - they'll get ejected soon enough.

Can you or your son make your head swivel all the way round?

Could you mildly poison the boy?
Bit of left over pork should do it.

Or at a pre agreed sign, you could both just shit yourselves at the breakfast table?

Get somebody to hide behind the Alter with a microphone. As you enter get them to say in a dark, satanic voice "GET OUT!!!", Amityville Horror stylee.

Suggest that it may be best for all concerned if you leave

bomb threat?

turn up dressed as a priest...

"well isn't this awkward

[url= http://www.flagshipfancydress.co.uk/vicar--priest-fancy-dress-costume-179-p.asp?gclid=CIrd_ruwmLgCFfDMtAodnTQAfw#.Uda_azu-rQw ]this one, this expression[/url]

Just need to go to the toilet just before it is all about to begin and take your time.

"Sorry we didn't want to come in once the ceremony had begun and disturb the proceedings. So as not to be a nascence we quietly left…"

Just sneak out.

Hidden can of cold veg soup, a fake bout of vomiting and a couple of spoons should do it.

fake stigmata?

pretend to be possessed... 'dogs and cats living together, EPA, EPA!'

or simply just pretend you went to the wrong church

"Sorry we didn't want to come in once the ceremony had begun and disturb the proceedings. So as not to be a nascence we quietly left…"

Nicely done!

[url=

a dog and try this[/url].

For info, the narrator is mentally unsound and believes his dog is his solicitor.

turn up with a rescue staffy wearing a bowtie and paedo glasses.... we all know they go for kids faces, you wont be welcome

I'd go with the bottle of water idea, coupled with going dressed as a priest....should do the trick 🙂

Or at a pre agreed sign, you could both just shit yourselves at the breakfast table?

Hidden can of cold veg soup, a fake bout of vomiting and a couple of spoons should do it.

suitably gory metal t-shirt or a sex pistols antichrist t-shirt

turn up with hora and get his kids to pick a fight?

suitably gory metal t-shirt or a sex pistols antichrist t-shirt

or

[img] [/img]

I find a few spoonfuls of Dave's Insanity sauce beforehand usually gets me thrown out without having to claim demonic possession.

turn up with popcorn and clap at inappropriate moments, scream "ohhh girl dont go there" when the dude in the dress goes to drown the baby and wander in just after its started, walk across the front of everyone and ask 'have i missed the adverts?'

Loudly, and in the appropriate accent:

'What's that skip? Someones trapped down the old mine shaft?'

normal voice

'Sorry, gotta go...'

Or at a pre agreed sign, you could both just shit yourselves at the breakfast table?

😆 😆

Picolax?

Either you or the boy should do it

"Got to go, we're on a mission from God"

[img] [/img]

There is nobody Catholic enough in the family to be worthy of being a God parent. They are having to video link to Argentina for that bit.

I’ll piss myself if the OFSTED ratings drop at the school over the next 4 years.

Period pain, works for a variety of scenarios. Oh, wait...

Every christening I've ever been to has been a complete charade. Parents who never go to church, godparents who are confirmed atheists, and a priest/vicar laying it on thick about how everyone present has never been seen before in said church and how everyone should take it more seriously.

The final straw was when my brother, who doesn't go to church himself and knows I'm militantly atheist and anti-religion, asked me to be a godparent to my niece, and then had a go at me when I refused.

The vicar told me I couldn't be a godparent, merely a sponsor.
"Suits me, I'm not remotely religious"
These happy godmen can't half throw some dirty looks.

As the priest is handed the child shout "Don't you nonce up that kiddie!".

You've gone to the [s]Christening[/s] [b]Indoctrination[/b] (tick)
Most of the day will be yours to do with as you please (tick)

A win - win situation.

wrecker did you forgive him and turn the other cheek 😉

I just dont go to them personally...all the ones I have been invited to have involved deeply non religious parents.

Isn't there a bit where the congregation have to denounce evil or something, just reply in the negative.
I also refuse to go being the sort of person who doesn't believe in a supernatural deity who flounces about making everything. My sister trumped me though when we had a humanist naming ceremony for our little one in the back garden by buying her a bible.

You should have trumped her by simply burning it

HTH

wrecker did you forgive him and turn the other cheek

Yep. And I made sure he knew it by laughing like a drain. I'd have been a good reliogionist, me.

Either be a man and tell people the truth and don't go. Or be a man and go out of responsibility/duty/whatever and stick it out to the end.

But whatever you do, don't go crawling out with some half-baked lie you got from STW unless you want everyone present to think you're a bit of a weasel.

Can't you just not go, and if they get mardy with you just say;
Sorry, please forgive me... Then they have to dont they!?

Isn't there a bit where the congregation have to denounce evil or something

I was at one where during this bit one of the godparents had his fingers crossed behind his back in full view of the congregation. The locals were not at all pleased.

Turn up in your best tramping outfit, with a carrier bag full of the Brew. Maybe growl at a few people.

I can't believe no-one's mentioned Picolax yet.

As to the Godparent bit, my peer group did it for each other. Not much for religion, but rather accepting formal responsibility for the child if bad things should happen to one or both parents.

Either go or don't it's that simple.

Family innit. Got to go.

Also, if the patents get creamed by a bus I suspect that we'd have more of a role in the kid's upbringing as it id difficult to wipe an arse or give a hug over a video link from South America.

Not much for religion, but rather accepting formal responsibility for the child if bad things should happen to one or both parents.

Does any god-parent actually expect to be held to this if something did happen to the parents?

Yes. that is the whole point.

IS IT????? Crikey, I have responsibilities.

Bottle of water down boy's front early in the service?

Surely at a Christening that just looks like you're taking part?

If its family and you give a toss about them then why dont you just go and behave properly.

If you cannot do that then dont go and politely make your excuses

Just neck a couple of bananas and a bottle of coke immediately beforehand.

2 minutes later the foam will be coming out of your mouth. Hey presto! Fake Rabies!

Should do the job....or do as I do, replace every 7th word in a Hymn with the word '****', fart a lot and try get a game of bogey going with the boy.

Just be honest and tell the truth that you'd rather be doing something else with your son, i imagine the weather will be far too nice to waste time in a church sitting through such a pointless ceremony, If they are your friends then why choose to lie to them?.

Don't lie to friends, be honest and yeah, you may piss some folk off but it's your life.

My friends know me well enough to never invite me to such things. Having said that, they do involve me in the kids lives a lot more than the actual "godparent" title holders.

As above, "Do, or do not. There is no try."

If its family and you give a toss about them then why dont you just go and behave properly.

Lighten up. 🙄

Of course we will all behave ourselves.

Publishing opportunity for slimline books of bike porn, easily slipped between the pages of a standard bible/hymn book....

Good luck. Time slows down in churches.

Turn up on the bikes dressed for a ride and keep looking at your watch. Maybe even call strava on them. Or tell the family you would go if it wasn't a sham attempt to get into a different school.

[i]Does any god-parent actually expect to be held to this if something did happen to the parents? [/i]

That was my understanding then. Maybe the world has changed. If so, it's for the worse.

Dawn ride, turn up late and muddy (and bloody if you can manage it)

You get a ride in, you avoid the ceremony, you are in time for cake.

Last one I went to the conversation immediately after was centred around how easy it was to be taken 'off the books' so you don't get included in their headcount.

I thank [s]god[/s] my parents for not signing me up to something thatwould turn out to be strongly against my [s]beliefs[/s] rational and questioning mind.

Or at a pre agreed sign, you could both just shit yourselves at the breakfast table?

Genuinely made me laugh. Please go for this option.

Bottle of water down boy's front early in the service?

Surely at a Christening that just looks like you're taking part?

Very good point. I'd avoid this option.

Dawn ride, turn up late and muddy (and bloody if you can manage it)

You get a ride in, you avoid the ceremony, you are in time for cake.

This is the option I'd choose. Mmmmm. Cake.