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Hi, have sought parenting support here before and it's been really helpful. Wondered if I could ask again pls.
Our youngest son is 22. He has dyspraxia and as a youngster, hearing problems. Hearing is fine now, but both conditions meant that school was hard work, his processing of stuff takes a bit longer, complexity is just baffling to him, his language is a little more limited. That said, he has great perseverance and passed 6 GCSEs. Since leaving school, he worked at a National Trust café/restaurant for a year, he then has worked in a butchers and completed a level 2 butchery apprenticeship, and then the last year has been a commis chef and doing a level 2 apprenticeship. The chef world is proving very tough – the hours are consistently 12+ per day, late finishes, the kitchen banter is beyond him, and the pressure to perform high(ish) end food is probably tough on him.
He’s not naturally sporty, or wanting to be (although played squash as a junior to a good level). Socially awkward but has a great smile, good looking, and positive. Wants to be social but finds chatting hard work quite quickly. He’s also v naïve and trusting, and has been scammed twice which has been distressing. Mrs A says he’s 22 going 12! (She says this v fondly!) He hates decision-making, and doesn’t want to have responsibility put on him … although he’s really diligent when it is placed on him. He’s ultra-reliable, never challenges his boss or asks why, just gets on and does. No real curiosity or interests, but this may come.
We have a great relationship and he’s opened up a little, which he finds difficult so I’m wanting to nudge him to considering an alternative path. He is v open to this, but hasn’t a clue what to look for, so be great if I could offer some routes for him to consider.
My instinct is for him to consider something that’s not necessarily career orientated, but more confidence building, builds savviness, might be fun too. So something possibly along the lines of working at a PGL / summer camp type of scheme (probably where the kids are a good bit younger than him so he doesn’t feel too challenged) for a few months, possibly living on site. Assume for the minute, money/earnings aren’t a factor as I’ll cover anything if it’ll help him along.
Ultimately, I’d love him to have a few months where he grows himself up, at his pace, and develops his set of interests and paths, or at least the start of this.
So any suggestions of things we might look at, offer up?
Thanks in advance
Would he engage in some sessions with a clinical psychologist in order to gain insight into who he is and how that relates to the external world?
It may help him with his place in the world.
I've broached this with him, in a very loose and casual way - he's rather unwilling, albeit neither of us probably know what we're on about! I think some sort of external counselling/guidance is an option tho...
My first question is, does he feel that there's a problem? If he doesn't then don't try and solve it for him. If he does then ask him what his thoughts are for solving it.
I'd suggest saving up some money and going and doing some travelling, if he's that way inclined.
Personally I don't think that there's too much wrong in taking some time to find out what we want to do when we're young.
Camp America! I did this aged 18, and got a job in the kitchen of a very nice camp on the basis of similar experience to what your son has. Loved it and in hindsight it was a big growth opportunity.
Camp America® USA Summer Jobs in America Since 1969
I also worked in the kitchen of a YHA Youth Hostel (live-in position) which was a great craic and ideal for someone at your son's stage of life (providing he somewhat likes the outdoors).
Ooh, one final one - this isn't so much of a career thing but something I would recommend to all young people:
Has he got a driving licence and does he like driving? Dyspraxics aren't all the same and he may be capable of things he hasn't been encouraged to do.
My nephew has dyspraxia and sounds similar to your son in his day to day life . He now works for the local council as a driver/ grass cutter etc. His workmates seem to help him if required and it's a job he thoroughly enjoys.
...I should also add that he worked in a local sawmill for a while but found it too fast paced for him.
So something possibly along the lines of working at a PGL / summer camp type of scheme (probably where the kids are a good bit younger than him so he doesn’t feel too challenged) for a few months, possibly living on site.
Not always as straightforward as you may think. As ever, long hours and (really) low pay.
I recognise where you are with one of ours. I will PM you shortly.
Focus on his strengths that are reliability, trustworthy and diligent.
He needs a job that relates to his strengths.
Find him a boss with good leadership quality (not young people because they will bully or take advantage of him) that is willing to guide, "protect" him or show him the way.
For the moment, his strengths seem to be suitable for "regimented" tasks or job but if possible include some form of "job rotation" (Not job enlargement) for him to understand the entire operation (at certain level). This is to ensure he can slowly gain his confident in the human/social aspects as he rotates his tasks.
Leadership role is not suitable for him at the moment but once he become technically efficient and effective, then perhaps a kind of leadership role is slowly suitable.
If you let him deal with people too early due to his conditions, he might not be able to handle it and may feel frustrated with people and "management".
Not everyone has all the "social" quality, but then not everyone is technical proficient in their work. The latter is much easier to acquire, while the former is difficult to master.
Note that all of his qualities are difficult to find in most people nowadays. The only downside is him being trustworthy and trusting of others might play into the hand of those that want to take advantage of him. This you need to look out for him until such time as he knows what to look for in people (social).
Also watch out for people he associate with especially bad companies. Being trustworthy and trying please others by forcing himself to be social might be risky.
There are a few Michelin star kitchens that run silent service. Basically no banter / chit chat, 100% focus on the food. May be worth taking a look if he enjoys being a chef. There are places out there that treat their teams well and cook to amazing level. Not easy by any means but long hours are much easier if that’s where your passion lies and the food approaches art.
Many chefs who don't enjoy kitchen life take a sideways step into baking. A lot of transferable skills but a different pace and pressure. Not necessarily unsociable hours either. I can offer some pointers if you think that might be his bag.
Anyway just a thought, and as you say maybe it's not necessarily a career move he needs, but some life experiences (travelling etc) to help build confidence. I know I needed that!
Thanks all, and Matt, pls do msg me, all help is appreciated.
To add a wee bit, he's kinda happy in a very middling way, but then his personality is pretty even-keel. So there's not a desperate situation, more his current role is v demanding (why kitchens operate this way, I really don't understand!) and we just wonder if he's been slightly taken advantage of as his hours are consistently 12+hr days.
Re driving, we've tried and he hated it initially, just too much to think about at once. So I changed my old car for an old automatic, so as he could easily have another go - this was better but he opened up about finding it v stressful as lots to think about, and quite frankly, it felt irresponsible to push it. So that's parked (no pun intended) for the time being. It does tend to limit work options but I work from home and can make myself pretty available.
Cheffing - he's thinking it's not for him, but the bakery idea is possibly interesting, so Pete, details would be appreciated.
Really, we're just after a work environment that's supportive, appropriately challenging where he's comfortable and happy.
If anyone wants to email, pls do southbankaus AT gmail DOT com
Cheers
given your description - I suspect PGL is what you would like to do in his situation rather than what he would like to do.
I just wanted to add that this:
He hates decision-making, and doesn’t want to have responsibility put on him … although he’s really diligent when it is placed on him. He’s ultra-reliable, never challenges his boss or asks why, just gets on and does.
Should be seen as a really positive quality. Everyone wants to be, or claims to be, a leader, or decision maker, an influencer, or a 'Chief'. But what the world, and many workplaces, actually need is more 'Indians' and he sounds like he could be a great employee, a proper doer in the right place. Good luck.
Everyone wants to be, or claims to be, a leader, or decision maker, an influencer, or a ‘Chief’.
Yes exactly. Which is why pretty much every task on The Apprentice is an absolute disaster, as they're all trying to lead rather than play as a team.
Nothing of use to add, other than my sister did Camp America and loved it. Decades ago though.
Just wanted to say you sound like top parents!
Thanks for the kind words and absolutely agree - I used to run a very small business, and reliable team members who cared were gold dust, so he does offer a lot. Just finding that great environment!
And PGL - this was his suggestion, along with doing it as a residential ... there could be great wins in a stint away from home, and I'd assume PGL is a pretty safeguarded environment. But I've really no idea on the tasks/roles or what a typical day might look like.