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Been debating posting this, but what the hell, very few on here know me so here we go. Heart on the sleeve time.
Basically, I'm really worried about my wife.
She's always been a strong, fiercely independent, 30 year old woman with no kids, a loving husband and a very stable life. She's fit, runs 10k's in under 40 mins, gym 3 times per week, and is generally a great person to be around. She's a teacher, primary, on the up in her career, she runs the entire maths curriculum for the school and is has been picked to be one of the lead teachers in the school for the quality of her lessons. And yet...
For the last 2 weeks, she cries every evening and can barely get out of bed. She struggles to function without me being there. It's only recently got this bad but it has been slowly building up with her having a bad day or 2 over the last 3 or 4 months. She says she hates work, yet can't explain why, she's fine at work yet as soon as she leaves she breaks down, saying there's too much work and she doesn't think she can cope. She says her "head is full" and that there's no space for anything else in it. We're currently seeking professional help from her GP (appointment booked but not seem them yet) whilst also looking at other career options.
However, she sees seeing the GP as a sign of weakness. She also loves education and doesn't want to leave it. She won't take time off work as she's scared that if she takes one day off it'll open the door to her taking lots off. I mention the running and the gym as she has no drive to go anymore, she's put on a bit of weight and now a lack of body confidence is starting to creep in which isn't helping at all. I was away for 3 days this weekend and she was crying when she picked me up at the airport and said she'd barely stopped all weekend.
So STW, as a worried, dedicated and loving husband, what the hell can I do? I think I can get her to go to her GP but right now she is completely against talking to her boss about the work load.
Sorry for the long post, and thank you for reading.
I'm sure others here will have helpful suggestions, but I lack the experience. Just want to say well done for asking and I hope you both find your way through this, hopefully temporary, episode.
First off, depression does not discriminate. So sadly one could work at the blowjob and beer tasting company and still get it.
Secondly, you're on the right track in speaking to the GP. Tell your good lady she would go to the doctor for a physical ailment that was so debilitating, so mental issues should be no different. Also, go with her to the appointment, if not already, as she may not want to be honest with them given what you describe about her not wanting to be seen to be weak/need help.
Given the increasing prevalence in these issues, her boss should also be understanding when told and be able to help from their end.
Good luck.
I have felt like that. Almost exactly like that! Stress related illness in my case. It's a long story - but has a good ending. Be happy to discuss further (email in profile) GP was a HUGE help but I felt similar "I should be able to cope"
I think it's a good first step. Would you be going with her to the appointment?
Sounds like a tough situation...my heartfelt thoughts to you all.
I'm not qualified but my instinctive response would be to go to the GP in the first instance, who should then refer you to the appropriate specialist.
If you're anywhere near central Scotland I can easily recommend a few. I've had similar experiences with friends and relatives and there's good help out there.
All the best to you all and keep strong yourself as this will have a effect on you too.
Oh dear. That does sound terrible. I have no real advice, unlike many others on here who always have great advice for this kind of situation.
The one thing I would say (and it's what you seem to be doing) is get professional help. I think when people get themselves into situations like this, it can seem like they are overwhelmed by it all, stressed and there is no way out that they can see.
A professional will be able to advise on the right path & it might be that your Wife will listen to a GP about the workload, where she won't listen to you - as you are not 'a professional'. This is what my Wife is like - I can give her advice about things and she won't believe/listen to it, but get the same advice from a 'qualified' person & it suddenly becomes the way forward.
I sometimes get the 'head full' thing and it really stresses me out, so I feel like I understand where she is coming from....
Best wishes to you both. I hope you get it sorted.
However, she sees seeing the GP as a sign of weakness.
I felt the same. Once I did speak to my GP the sense of relief was amazing and the help that followed has been invaluable.
It took me far too long to speak to anyone, and in hindsight that probably cost me my marriage. I've seen it cost people even more.
Email in profile if you'd like any more thoughts or experience from me.
By coincidence we had a music teacher apply for a job here the other week in a predictable routine work role. Main reason for leaving teaching was the stress. She'd had months off with stress-related illness but realised she had to quit
Good luck and all that
Go with her to the Gp, Mental illness is no diff from turning an ankle whilst running - both need treatment
She also need to tell her boss, as she is going to do no good in the long run if she doesnt get things sorted now and has to take and extended period off further down the road
Be there for her and good luck
she would go to the doctor for a physical ailment that was so debilitating, so mental issues should be no different
This. Above all, there should be no shame at all in have any sort of mental difficulties. Your wife should probably see the GP first, then talk to her management on the basis of whatever she is told by her doctor.
If she is reluctant to talk to her boss, is it because she does not have faith in the institution to understand and support her properly, or that her good reputation would be diminished? If this is the case, would it be worth her while talking to her union after the doctor so that she at least has 'allies' in the system?
Whatever she does, and whatever more you do, stick by her, and well done for raising it here. I hope that doesn't sound patronising, but when someone is facing a dark time, the light cast by throwing open the windows and doors is often the first step in getting through it.
Best wishes to you and Mrs Lunge.
what the hell can I do?
The absolute best thing that you can do is offer her unconditional support.
Don't judge. Do NOT tell her to WTFU / pull herself together / just get on with it.
No matter what, tell her that it's going to be OK regardless of what happens along the way.
Encourage her to seek assistance from GP's / counsellors.
Understand that her perspective on the world is very different to yours. What would seem like non-issues to you are building up inside her head to huge proportions. She can't help it.
It's not rational, she knows that but she is in a place where she is powerless to control those irrational thoughts.
She probably isn't coping as well at work as she's been telling you. She is trying to fulfil what she perceives to be your expectations of how she should be doing. She's tryin so hard to hold it together that her grip is tiring.
Imagine hanging onto a branch, high above a precipice. The more you panic about letting go, the tighter your grip on the branch becomes and the more tired your hands get. So you desperately grip tighter and become even more tired. it's a downward spiral. Give her the opportunity to let go. Let her know you'll be there to catch her.
These things are what my wife did for me . It helped. A lot.
Best of Luck
Sorry to hear about your situation. What about some Mindfullness?
would be handy to know the level of pressure/support she is getting at work.
She says her "head is full"
I know that feeling, and there's so much to do you don't know where to start, so you don't..
If she is reluctant to talk to her boss, is it because she does not have faith in the institution to understand and support her properly, or that her good reputation would be diminished?
Or is it that she sets herself such high standards/goals, etc that she's having trouble meeting them?
Mostly been said really but I went through the exact same experience with my Wife suffering from PND.
Going to the GP is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign that you have the strength to tackle an often misunderstood and maligned condition.
Once we'd made that first step the whole situation changed so much for the better we only regretted not doing it sooner.
Good luck.
My wife had a similar issue a few years ago and I would second all that has been written above.
I'd also like to add not to be reluctant to take any medication that is offered. People often wish to recover "without resorting to drugs", but my wife found it a real help to get her head straight before dealing with the underlying issues.
Also, make sure that employer and union, the later particularly, are up to speed.
It sounds like you're doing the right things. Good luck.
APF
She's always been a strong, fiercely independent
That could also be part of the problem perhaps; with regards to not wanting to go to a doctor, taking her job too seriously etc.
Depression is an illness - GP knows how to treat it, or at least point you at somebody who can.
Tell her that you love her
Mean it
Tell her that you are there for her
Be there for her
Tell her that you don’t demand anything of her
Don’t demand anything of her
Tell her you love her again
Listen. Listen lots, even when she doesn’t have anything to say.
Rachel
Sounds all too familiar but like me she sounds like she has someone to help which is the main thing.
Tell her you love her and get her to a GP
You have my sympathy. I think I experienced similar with my wife, pre-marriage, and it really takes it toll on both of you.
I'll describe our experience but needless to say doesn't mean any or all of these will apply to you.
~ 2009/10 My wife was a few months into her second teaching job, secondary school. Her NQT year was a joke with a really un-supportive head of department and mentor so she moved after that first year. In her new job she placed an enormous amount of pressure on herself because she wanted to get it right the second time. She did really well initially but a few months in she started to feel a bit down. I had met a life coach who she went to see and was trying to bring out her inner tiger but soon after she went to the doctors about something unrelated (a sore throat I think) and ended up coming home signed of work with stress which made her really upset. The Dr was really understanding and had been through it herself which helped. Her headmaster and colleagues were supportive also which helped, though I asked them to give her a bit of space for a bit.
She was prescribed anti-depressants which we were both a bit reluctant about but it started to give her mind some breathing space and really helped. She was also enrolled on self esteem course which was okay but the real turning point seemed to come from starting CBT therapy. She was diagnosed with a few traits to work on, one of them being perfectionism, and came out of it feeling much better and some tools/techniques to use in the future.
She came of the tablets but against my wishes did it without consultation with the doctors. She was keen to put it all behind her and forget about it. That also meant forgetting all the techniques she had used and not using them again. I can understand her wanting to forget about the experience but it was at the expense of learning the lessons about herself that could help in the future.
Good luck!
Get her to speak to someone at work- it may be easier speaking to someone who will have similar experiences, and very often you will find people are feeling the exact same, especially in the teaching profession.
Is the "no kids" a choice? Possible/not possible, want/don't want. I have no idea where I'm sitting but that's the only thing that struck me. Primary school teachers often have lots of their own - my sister has three and all of junior's primary teachers had kids even if it had meant adopting.
GP first port of call really. Key is to get some counselling, not the drugs. I'm not a fan of relying on the drugs and some of them have strange side effects, including causing depression and suicidal thoughts!
There are other resources outside of seeing a GP, such as Mind. I know that can be off-putting as it's about mental health and people don't want to associate stress, anxiety and depression with mental health. They can help you just talk about issues and advise little changes in your life that could help a lot.
I'm surprised the exercise with running and the gym doesn't help. Or maybe it does but not enough. Exercise is a massive benefit to mental health. Though if it's more a case of a desire to be fit and cramming in gym sessions between the rest of the daily pressures then it might not help. Likewise putting pressure on yourself with time targets and entering races may not be good.
Fixing some time to get out into the countryside and walk, run or ride bikes without targets or pressure may be better.
That's all I can add to it really.
On the medication side, she sounds to be in a bad way, so I would have an open mind about that. Sometimes they are needed for short-term bouts of depression and anxiety.
And of course tell her you love her - even if you don't get much of a reaction from this, it can actually do a lot of good.
Be open and honest with the GP, they see this all the time, and will help get you through it.
Best of luck.
Good that you're going to the GP, but it's also worth investigating psychotherapy as GPs can be very limited in their knowledge, understanding and resources when it comes to mental health. They're also sometimes too quick to resort to medication. In terms of therapists, it might be necessary to pay for a private practitioner as NHS waiting lists are probably obscenely long. If you do go down this route, choose carefully as there are good and bad therapists, just as you'd expect. Also, don't necessarily opt for the more fashionable quicker fix of CBT: long-term counselling might be a better bet and is a very different approach to CBT. Check for properly qualified and registered practitioners whatever you do, but don't assume they'll be great just because they're registered. Best of luck and don't give up hope - there is some excellent help available.
Get her to the docs - there is a form you fill in that they give you ranking things like sleep, stress, suicidal tendencies etc. - they can get some indication from the scoring system on the form, even without her having to do the full sob story to the GP if she doesn't feel the need to do that just yet.
I would also say try to stay away from the drugs, I am not denying they work or that they are useful for some. My worry is once you are on them it is very difficult to get off of them. Also, as has been said, mental health/illness is, or at least should be, no more shaming than a physical illness and we really need, as a culture, to start seeing them as one and the same. The brain is an organ like any other part of the body and things can go wrong or get puched to the limit. I think we too often separate our conscious with the organ that creates it and the body that organ is connected to. To think that some how not being able to cope when you have loaded yourself with too much is a weakness is wrong. I think like our bodies our brains can only take so much.
Also, OP I really applaud you for discussing it. Although I wish these things didn't need that kind of recognition and it was a normal thing to discuss.
I very openly discuss, my recent occurrences of panic attacks and clinical anxiety. Which I think is due to work. I often find the moment I mention it one or two other people are having similar experiences. Its not that uncommon.
I hope you and your wife find a good way to help treat the problem. I think some form of counselling would be useful as a start.
My Wife is a teacher and we've been very close to your situation a couple of times.
She did go to the doctor each time which was pretty helpful, however she didn't want to take the meds which were prescribed.
The first time was when our eldest daughter was very small - she walked out of a head of dept job at Christmas (due to ridiculous work pressure) and took a £10k demotion to normal science teacher at a different school.
The second time was after our second daughter was born - quite bad PND, probably triggered by a horrendous delivery.
I'd say you need to speak to your GP, and you need to speak to the school/her boss.
Good luck - This is fixable with the right support.. as others have suggested, think of it as a bit like a broken bone - needs support + understanding from GP+Boss, but in time it'll heal and you'll be back to full strength.
Gotta be worth having a god at some mindfullness/meditation before a trip to the docs.
Who knows, might be all she needs.
I'd also recommend some inspiring books about relaxing/not giving a shit about stuff/CBT, but unfortunately I don't know any.
I would say, from a very novice view point, although my wife is a therapist, I have had therapy and I have known other therapists, that your wifes strength could be her Achilles heel at this moment. Again, I very much realise that could be a rush to judgment. Her strength is admirable, it really is, but I think she might need to be a bit kinder to herself, just at this moment. Whilst she gets her spirit back, which I am sure she will.
Sorry Dogmatrix, but you're talking crap about not taking 'the drugs'!
I'm currently on 'the drugs' and these things do help but it is a case of finding which drugs work.
They help by giving you some stabilisation in your thought patterns, helps to stop rumination (going over and over things) and generally help level out your mood, anxiety and stress.
Yes, there is an issue coming off them, but the same can be said for any other drug. It's a case of weaning yourself off them with the guideance of your GP.
I'm on and off these drugs 'Citalopram' in my case every autumn to spring, and so far have had no problems. If things get tough, you just up the dose for a while and then try again. They DO NOT turn you into a wide-eye crazied schizo psycho, if anything they stop you from becoming that.
Also, if your GP is rather dimissive or dis-interested and you feel like they aren't taking it seriously, find another GP. And keep looking until you find one.
I am fortunate to have a fantastic GP. She takes time to listen and you are under no pressure to get out in 5 mins. Down side to this is i've been left sitting in waiting rooms as she's over running with other patients but I accept that because there are others who need her help too.
runs the entire maths curriculum for the school and is has been picked to be one of the lead teachers in the school for the quality of her lessons
This could be the issue because and
She won't take time off work
Whilst the GP is important to see she will need to address the root cause of the problem. It maybe she lacks the ability to delegate and manage the work load. This drives a fear of failure that manifests itself as not taking time off or calling oneself a perfectionist. This seemingly hard work ethic often hides these types of problems. They often work long hours and work very hard. She should speak to the head of the school and discuss this and get help and mentoring otherwise the help provided by the doctor will just mask the underlying problem.
This will be the very thing she wont want to discuss with the school.
I would suggest that as a first step a thyroid function test would be a good idea. Don't accept being told that her levels are 'fine' or 'in range', the NHS would rather leave sufferers ill due to the stupid guidelines. You mentioned her gaining weight which I why I've suggested this.
How long has this been going on for ?
Long shot and I'm being serious...
Could she be in the family way ?
This was pretty normal both times when we were pregnant( not me but wife) only lasted a few weeks though.
Good luck sir and this is a great place to air off your worries etc.
How long has this been going on for ?
Long shot and I'm being serious...
Could she be in the family way ?
This was pretty normal both times when we were pregnant( not me but wife) only lasted a few weeks though.
Good luck sir and this is a great place to air off your worries etc.
I've seen the demands of teaching do that to some great teachers. In my view it would be wrong to medicalise it and treat the self rather than the circumstances. However, you do need to develop some strategies to get it out of your system.
I got by with plenty of cycling, surfing, shooting and rigorous forms of recreational relaxation. Having said that, Gove and his policies got the better of me and I retired early 18 months ago having had a complete gutful of nonsense after a successful career (HoF).
I'm now back doing a maternity cover as a favour in a wonderful college, it's the best job I've had out of 8 institutions in two countries since 1979. When this jobs ends I will stop but the point is there could be much better jobs out there, don't go down the route of blaming the victim and filling yourself up with doctors' drugs.
Having just looked at my recreation patterns (I could have added rock climbing to the list), they all involve flow and complete distraction and absorption, not just looking at someone's arris or a telly whilst you endure pain in a gym on a bike that takes you nowhere (that would depress me).
The problem is that often owning up to struggling with a workload and being stressed is seen as a sign of weakness. However, as soon as she acknowledges this stress to her senior leadership team or head, then they must act over this, otherwise she could potentially go off with stress for 6 months, with is career suicide! The school will have to act upon this, and alleviate some of the pressure.
However- her doing this depends upon the quality of the slt and head- if they are good, they will do all they can to help her and keep her.
It may not help, but my gf went to the GP recently about her moods, and feeling very up and down, and he recommended this book; http://www.amazon.co.uk/Chimp-Paradox-Management-Programme-Confidence/dp/009193558X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1453381694&sr=8-1&keywords=chimp+brain
It may not help her, but might be worth a go.
Went through very similar symptoms with my girlfriend, especially the morning thing. She felt - with no real pattern - a 'dread' at having to go to work - even though she loves her job and the people she works with. There was no rhyme or reason to it. Eventually, after the frequency of morning episodes increased it took a small melt-down for her to see the GP and take some time off work - only a short period and her company were very supportive. Went on meds and has stayed on them, a much smaller dose these days. She attended 1-1 private counseling for a short period, I guess I'd look at this now as an emergency measure. She attended a GP prescribed group counseling course a while after this. Both helped in different ways.
All of the advice I could give has probably already been said. All that I'll add is don't try to hide anything and don't spend any time or effort looking for a cause. Be kind to yourself and just look for an effective way of 'coping' (sorry this doesn't really seem the right word) with it.
RM.
Edit: Forgot to mention if she's a reader then [url= http://www.amazon.co.uk/Depressive-Illness-Edition-Overcoming-Problems/dp/1847092357 ]this book[/url] might help.
You are all very, very kind, it's threads like this that I release how wonderful people on this place are.
Anyway, to answer a few questions:
No plan to go with her to the GP, she'd never let me even if I wanted to.
The reluctance to speak to her boss is, I think, the fear of showing weakness and shows she's not coping, combined with not knowing what she'd want from the meeting. She won't get fired because of it, but as soon as she goes there it becomes "a thing" and so she needs to think about what she's talking to him for and what the ideal outcome of the meeting would be.
Mindfulness hasn't worked, she used HeadSpace when she first had the odd day for a few months and it made no difference to her.
Little or no help at work, as with most schools, once you get to a certain level the feeling is that you know what you're doing so are left to it. This is almost certainly the root cause of it IMO.
No kids is entirely her choice, albeit one 100% supported by me. Pretty sure none on the way either, this was my thought and the pee on the stick suggested not.
The exercise does help but she's just lost her drive to do it, when she does she feels better, she just can't get out of bed to do so. I'm pretty sure this is what has caused the weight gain (we're not talking much here mind you).
Steve Peter's book has been on my list to read for a while so I've just bought it, has to be worth a shot.
Thank you all again.
Grunty I really dont think there is any need for that tone at all. It seems a bit much, when I was merely saying it it is worth considering other options. In fact I made it very clear at the beginning of my point that they do have their place. You'll find other people in the thread discussing the same thing not just me. I have seen evidence of people prescribed drugs when this is not always the best option. Again to be clear, for many people it can be a good option.
Would strongly recommend getting vit D tested.
"head's full"
teaching - targets for everything and data to measure it, but the satisfaction comes from inspiring/supporting kids and that can't be measured, so gets diminished. The feeling that the work will never be done/need for constant improvement erodes your self belief and kills any satisfaction.
I've seen it too many times with friends and colleagues and it's why I'm an ex-teacher.
Can she shed some responsibility at work or take a break and just be a teacher for a while? I know she won't want to do this (loss of face/pride etc), but when suffering with depression, it's often hard to recognise what is best for you.
It's half term soon - get away and do something that doesn't have a plan, or a timescale or any expectations - walking (somewhere sunny?). Make plenty of time to talk about it properly.
Best wishes
teaching - targets for everything and data to measure it, but the satisfaction comes from inspiring/supporting kids and that can't be measured, so gets diminished. The feeling that the work will never be done/need for constant improvement erodes your self belief and kills any satisfaction.
Boxelder, that is the nail hit squarely on the head right there.
I think I'd probably end up feeling the same way if I were a primary school teacher. Being married to one, it was a real eye-opener just all-consuming it is.
My wife did it for 15 years, before taking leave with stress for a few months. This was brought on by the job, but also sleep deprivation and worry over our autistic son. She tried part time for a while, but ended up working just as hard for half the money, and feeling no better. She ended up seeing the GP, and was prescribed some meds, which helped stablise her mood, and stopped her crying, allowing her to assess her options more clearly. She has recently given up work, and it a million times happier for it.
It may be worth considering a role that doesn't require bringing the job home so much, but still in education; perhaps teaching assistant?
Hope she feels better soon.
My sister changed her primary job last year because she found the previous one stressful due to the other adults in the place, not the kids. She seems happier now she's not surrounded by power-abusing *s. I have noted that a higher proportion of school heads/board members are *s than in other fields.
Madame and I both walked out of a Leicester secondary school mid lesson, mid week, mid term. My my was that a good decision. I have noted that a higher proportion of school heads/board members are *s than in other fields.
Madame is currently a very happy teacher. The headmaster is not a *. The headmaster always acts as intermediary between the school board and the teachers thus limiting the grief teachers get. One cloud on our horizon is that he retires next year. 🙁
We've all been through school, how many of your headmasters were *s? Two of mine. How many school board members do you know? A few exceptional ones do it because of their love of children (usually their own). The others do it because they love being power-abusing *s.
Similar to what others have said, if she had a flesh wound that kept bleeding or getting infected, would she not seek help? Or if the roles were reversed, would she not inist that you get help?
The main reason poor mental health is seen as a weakness but poor physical health is just seen as part of life is because the Victorians thought people with mental illness should be put in asylums. Fortunately, we've moved on a LOT since then. She is far from alone. Lots of people have had issues with it. Famous people. Successful people. It's nothing at all to be ashamed of.
Show her this video and see if it helps her realise that she's not alone and can get help:
Good luck, and best wishes
Just spotted this.
She is far from alone - see my threads over the last 8-9 months, and the dozens of people who have advised and supported me from their own experiences.
The best thing I did was talk to the GP last year. 46 years old and cried liked an idiot. GP got me some talking therapy - bit of a wait, but there you are, some time off work to begin to get my head straight, and that gave me the courage to talk to my wife and boss about the problems I felt I was having.
My recent thread will tell you that I'm not completely there yet, mind.
The absolute best thing about talking to the GP was that I was able to talk to her and know that she wasn't judging me and had no interest or "agenda" in guiding me down one route or another, something I wasn't, and still aren't, completely confident of doing with work or family.
Good luck - happy for you to email me if you like, several good people on here have helped me away from the forum in recent months.
It's not just down to Victorian stigma. The point about a physical injury is that it can be healed and then that person is back to normal.
With mental illness, employers are always going to think, will this keep on happening?
That's the main reason people prefer to keep it secret.
But as you say, things have moved on a lot and a more open culture is to be welcomed.
My wife's a head teacher.
I'd like to think she's one of the ones who's not a power mad ***.
She woudl want to know one of her staff was struggling.
It's not about walkign out of a meeting with 'a solution' or even knowing what you're going in there to ask for.
Saying 'I'm struggling but I don;t know what to do to fix it or even if it's the job that's the problem or me' might be enough for your wife to get some support and the begiining of a path to a less stressful situation.
If nothing else, the school would probably rather she were there with less responsibilities for a term or more support for her maths work or whatever than off work with stress. It's in no one's interest for hold it together until the point she can't work at all, perhaps better to try and seek help now (easier said than doen, I know).
The point about a physical injury is that it can be healed and then that person is back to normal.
With mental illness, employers are always going to think, will this keep on happening
But that's wrong though, isn't it. A sprained ankle, maybe. But a heart attack or stroke - just by having had one you're at a massively increased risk of another.. Back pain - rarely 'completely heals' etc etc
Though you didn't mean harm by your statement, that view simply adds to teh stigma of mental health.
DrP
My Mrs went through something similar. Most of the advice I'd give has already been posted. However... 1) The Chimp Paradox book linked above, buy it. It's superb. 2)Talk to work. As soon as mine did it was amazing the support on offer. They have a duty of care to provide this. 3) Once she started to talk about it it was amazing how many people came out of the woodwork and admitted having being through similar issues. Some she had known for years and would never have guessed. It's crazy and wrong the stigma that seems to be attached. However this seems to be slowly improving. Everyone of these offered unconditional support and were of great help. We have a few friends who are GP's. Talking to them it was shocking how many people they would see daily with similar symptoms. In a strange way that was quite comforting to both of us to know it was so common ie we were not alone.
Once again, thank you all so much, this place is bloody amazing at times.
I've done a few different jobs, about fifteen. Teaching is the one where you get it in the neck from all sides:
The kids can be a pain but that's generally manageable - if you have the support of parents, the school board and superiors.
Parents can be delightful, interested and supportive, but some are simply bad people. You really find yourself having fascho thoughts to the effect it would be better if some people didn't breed.
Your superiors, like any profession good and bad, but it's the only profession I've been in where I would describe my superior's attitudes towards employees (teachers) as disgraceful.
The rest of society, check out a few of the anti-teacher threads on this site, there's an awful lot of hate out there.
As some one said is the no kids thing an issue? Maybe worth asking... by the way I am possibly the worst person in the world to offer advice as I depend on my missus to just spell it out
My ex had depression and my current partner is in her first year of teaching. My sympathy goes out to you both. I can easily see how depression or stress related illness could be a problem in teaching. My partner is struggling to just get through to end of the year so she can be fully qualified. She's easily doing 60-70 hours a week, feels under constant scrutiny and not particularly well supported by her head. She's currently having issues with a child and the parents of. We're experiencing tears roughly twice a week and both of us are feeling the strain. Luckily our kids are great and aren't too fussed by it all but she is really struggling with the lack of quality time with them.
Anyway I think you've done the right thing getting her too the docs, just make sure she goes and be there for when she needs you.
I've skimmed this so apologies if this is repetition. First off, when I was suffering I was brilliant at hiding my worst feelings and only let out what I really had to. It sounds like she's being more open but bear in mind that there could be more going on than you know. Second, another book suggestion is 'depressive illness, the curse of the strong' by Chris cantopher, it was like he'd seen inside my head. Finally, MiND is there for you as well as her, so if you need support then talk to them.
You really find yourself having fascho thoughts to the effect it would be better if some people didn't breed.
You do and it would.
As some one said is the no kids thing an issue?
I really don't think so, we've both said from day 1 we don't want them, I still ask the question to review from time to time but no, I don't think that's it.
I'm as sure as I can be that it's job related, though I'm also conscious that there may also be underlying issues too.
You could be perfectly describing my symptoms from almost exactly 8 years ago.
So much work I didn't know where to start, got home and cried a lot, went to see a musical in London and ended up in the theatre writing notes of things to do at work. Dreaded taking time off due to knowing what my desk would be like when I got back.
On the 6th February 2008 I went bang big time at work. Stuff happened which I won't bore you with now but I didn't really work for another 3 years and I never went back to that employer. Now I control my life better and I've never been happier. So there is grounds for optimism!
First of all read this book:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Depressive-Illness-Strong-Overcoming-Problems/dp/1847092357/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1453401167&sr=1-1&keywords=tim+cantopher
In summary, depressive illness only really affects the strong because the weak don't care. It's because we do care and have a strong work ethic etc that we let it build up. Eventually a fuse in our brains just blows and we breakdown. Then just like a blown fuse in an electrical circuit it doesn't matter how strong you are, how much electricity you try and put through the circuit, nothing will happen.
I'll stay away from specific advice as it's such a personal thing but I would make the following points:
1. If work is the cause of the problem, then work needs to change. Either a different job or significant changes to the job. No job in the world is worth spending three years not really leaving the house and spending 20 hours a day crying.
2. Drugs can prop you up but don't tackle the cause.
3. The love and support of those around you is everything. My friends and family were somewhat reluctant to be around which didn't help. The kindness of strangers was amazing and overwhelming.
4. Talking therapy has changed my life. But the 6 CBT sessions the NHS offered was just a drop in the ocean. Around 3 years of fortnightly sessions on and off finally made the changes in attitude and behavioural thought needed for me to be happy.
5. Tell her to be kind to herself. Life success isn't about money and possessions, it's about love and happiness. I went from being removed from work in an ambulance because I was crying under my desk and earning £50k to fixing bikes for Halfords for £15k. I've never been happier. My life is successful now; it wasn't before.
Please feel free is contact me if I can help at all - email in profile...
The feeling of 'head full-ness' is something I have experienced with my depression. When it happens, my head is so full, I can't process information. This means I can't prioritise even as far as deciding what to do next, identify how to approach solving problems or even manage meetings. It is incredibly debilitating and frightening at the time.
Integrative counselling, citalopram and the wonderful support of family, friends and colleagues - all these helped me.
2. Drugs can prop you up but don't tackle the cause.
True but they will allow the sufferer some space to get on and eat the elephant one spoon at a time.
OP describes his partner as having a full head, I suspect the books and things are going to be part 2 of a quite long process.
In 2007/8 I had 2 absences of 6 weeks due to depression. They made me redundant at the end of the year and I appealed the decision on DDA grounds. Best thing I could have done, I am persona non grata in that profession and was unable to get another job in the field because of a spiteful MD. The field? Health & Safety, which shows how crap some of our 'professional' practitioners are. Lots of focus on safety, little on health.
Good luck OP and be prepared for your partner to have some really bad days when she is signed off.
However, she sees seeing the GP as a sign of weakness
the fear of showing weakness
Don't want to come over all wannabe psychologist, but I reckon those two things need looking at. They seem to indicate an.. unrealistic point of view about some things. Insecurity perhaps.
For once I haven't read the entire thread before posting.
It is a weakness. Unrealistic expectations dumped on an individual will do this. My dad's partner has been though this and eventually moved schools twice despite worries about black marks.
So if the head teacher is unwavering in her / his ideas, perhaps your wife could consider changing schools.
Would strongly recommend getting vit D tested.
This
1: Your wife has an illness. As with any other illness she needs to see a doctor.
2: Any suggestions for treatment on here should be ignored until she had seen a professional who is used to dealing with her illness & who has given her a diagnosis. Only then can she can consider what treatment she wants based on what is on offer.
EDIT: The idea that this is indicative of weakness is pretty common amongst people with depression. It is a symptom & not a cause.
I know the "head full" feeling only too well. I also work around teachers a bit and know that many feel very undervalued. You said Headspace didn't work for her but it might be worth another try: they added a "depression pack" recently. I can honestly say it feels like I have more space in my head after sticking with Headspace for around 8 months. Not saying it's a total solution but might help alongside other treatments/therapies.Good luck to both of you.
Get the doctor to do a house visit. don't tell your wife or she may bolt before he/she comes.
Not sure I can add anything which hasn't been said (I might have said some of the things which have about it sounding like overloading of stress at work, and your wife being a bit of a perfectionist and having high standards for herself - I know the feeling). But just wanted to wish you and your wife all the best - depression is a horrible thing, but it sounds like she's very lucky to have a supportive husband.
2. Drugs can prop you up but don't tackle the cause.True but they will allow the sufferer some space to get on and eat the elephant one spoon at a time.
OP describes his partner as having a full head, I suspect the books and things are going to be part 2 of a quite long process.
Indeed, but for me the book I recommended was the first part of the healing process. It explains very gently and simply that depressive illness is not a weakness. Once I understood this, I was open to seeing professionals and getting the help I needed without beating myself up.
Ironically I used to work in Health and Safety at the time of my breakdown as well.
Sorry to hear of the situation OP, hope your wife gets the help she needs and that you are included within that. She sounds like a very proud person, I hope not too proud to her detriment. I have seen this happen before and it makes the recovery time even longer.
All you can do is be there for her as others and yourself have said.
Good luck.
The whole "be strong" driver is something that I have seen cause falls in people. As said above they keep functioning to a certain point in time then blow a fuse and collapse. This is a sign that you CARE not that you are RUBBISH. The fuse blowing is because you are carrying too much stuff (CURRENT?) and the reason for this is because people or the company know that normally you can carry it. Blowing this fuse is not a weakness, but a safety valve.
I have felt this personally from time to time, but hope I am aware of my own limits and I try to keep things in perspective. We are all human and we all have levers and buttons that make us soar or make us crash to earth. Hope your wife finds the balance she needs.
Supporting your wife is pretty much a given, but remind her how much she means to you, that she is good and that it is an illness and you will care.
If she will see a GP, go with it, take what options are available. Medication isn't necessarily permanent, sometimes just a moment of calm is needed to gather thoughts. Diagnosis may change and with it medication and therapy techniques, mental illness isn't as clear cut as a broken bone. If she is referred to a mental health nurse, they can be really helpful, but it is important that they are someone she can get on with and it is perfectly acceptable to ask for a different one, she needs someone she can talk to without boundaries. Finding the right nurse has allowed great changes for my wife.
Equally, take advantage of occupational health. Employer can't discriminate if they are aware and have a duty of care to their employees. It is also in their interests for you to be there and adjustments can be made.
The mornings is a familiar scenario. Focus on one target at a time, viewing how the whole day could go (wrong) is very off putting. Have a mug of tea. Had a tea? Have some breakfast and so on. By the time my wife gets to the car, she has enough momentum for the day. Getting up together has helped, as much as she hates that my job starts much earlier than she needs to be up.
At home look for positive spirals rather than negative ones. Find small easy wins to build confidence.
We have spent a while getting a stable base and with help from local mental health service, my wife is in the most positive and in control of her situation that she has been for quite a while.
There is far more, it is different for everyone, but those were the first key things that came to mind when I read your post and thought of what has helped my wife.
Discourage browsing the internet about it. If it must be done, start with MIND.
Morning all, and thank you again for your thoughts yesterday.
I found it very cathartic writing stuff on here so I may well end up doing this regularly, and posting updates on her progress. I don't expect anyone to read it or comment but for me at least it helps.
So, yesterday was a better day. Firstly, she opened up to her boss, this was not planned, she was meant to be talking maths but the tears came and the boss acknowledged all was not well. As I mentioned yesterday, she has a real fear of being seen as being weak and that this weakness could lead to things changing in a way she does not like. Her boss did a huge amount to allay those fears which is awesome. He has immediately taken away some of the work that was a big cause of the stress and also asked to sit down with her in the next week to work out what else can be done. He also was pleased she had talked to him, partly about her but also about how the changes to the curriculum were having an effect on her, and so could be on other teachers.
Second, she is definitely going to see her GP, the tears at work have made her really acknowledge there is a problem that needs fixing, the "if your ankle hurt as much as your head does you'd go" analogy really hit a chord with her.
She didn't feel she couldn't leave bed and even debated a run, one she would have gone on had she not been packing...and that is where my worry comes in...
You see, this weekend she is on a hen do with a groups she doesn't know that well, it's her brothers soon to be wife's do. She gets on great with her and knows some of the group going, she is away from her core support group, basically me and her oldest friends. I told her she didn't have to go if she didn't want to but, again to avoid showing weakness, she was adamant she had to go. So she is. I've told her she can call me any time, day or night, and that if she needs to leave early she can. She's decided not to drink too much, which is good as I fear for her with a hangover, but we'll see. I guess maybe being away from it all with a good bunch of people may not be the worst thing in the world for her, though it doesn't stop me worrying!
Anyway, fingers crossed, I know 1 good day doesn't mean problem solved and I'm more than a tad worried about this weekend.
Apologies again for the long post, and thanks to anyone who reads it.
That's brilliant news and we'll done!
Admitting that there is a problem to others is the start of finding the solution, and she has taken an incredibly brave step there, she shouldn't underestimate how well she has done.
And good for you OP for doing all you can to help - it's not easy being the "other" one in this kind of situation, and it's not easy putting the "other" one through it from your wife's perspective.
Not read the thread through recently, but GPs and counsellors have recommended me the Headspace app, the Calm app and the Live Life to the Full website as sources of help
Best of luck to you both
Hello, I've been there. Great career, amazing wife, kids etc,.
But it all became too much, it creeps up..longer hours more work when you get home, working weekends, holidays, constant phone calls emails etc etc. I ended up sleeping in my car on site ( huge disaster I was running the Recovery operation) that was my longest break 4 hours sleep in my car in the 72 I'd been up, more and more work coming at you more time in my office. My good day was 14 hours in work plus travel time two hours door to door and that was getting home early.
All the time, my professional reviews are exemplary, I'm top of the tree, but I'll end up at the side of the road crying as I can't think straight. But I get strong, man up and get going...but you start to slide lose perspective I would be distant,snappy, vacant couldn't make a decision at home ( I could sort a complex work problem but not decide what to have for tea). I remember once standing in the supermarket thinking I was going to vomit as it was so noisy so many people, my wife called me on the phone and asked what I was doing I said shopping she asked for what and I looked in my basket and had no idea what was in there.....I had to read the labels of the things I saw I didn't know what they were
I kept working though, feeling like a failure for not coping, I d let everyone down if I stopped admitted weakness, how embarrassing to dothat...I need a job after all..... Again all my reviews perfect, top marks.
All the time my wife is saying Im not myself, we need to see the GP, I need a break, But I kept going why do I see the GP...I'm not stressed or depressed or mentally ill!! I can't cook a meal now...can't work out the order to put things in the oven but I'm fine..just tired...look at my last review from work I'm nailing it....
But I can't cope.....I need an out now how can I get out....if I lose or leave my job how do we cope....what a failure Ill be....what a thing to be seen to to be able to cope...so I started to have dark thoughts...a lot....maybe an accident...I'm out...but well insured kids mortgage wife all secure then....not my family having a failure for a Dad or husband.....
Can't sleep. My head is full...a huge jumble of thoughts and anxiety...its spinning can't sleep at all my mind is so so busy. I've got no perspective any more...losing the TV remote is as bad as the house burning down....work is going good though...
I did this for a year getting worse...losing contact with my mates stopped riding...all I did was work...I can still remember explaining to my wife that I won't be home for Christmas as this issue needs sorting I need To run the job ( I'm in the utilities industry so you can image no Gas or Electricity or water for 100,000 people will make the news... I can still hear her crying but trying not to so as not to put me under more pressure....( but I can't see how awful it is for her... No perspective outside the in my heads too busy go so much to do,) but I have to fix this that's what I do....) I can't tell you how shot I feel now about this... 🙁
But hugs keep going so do I getting worse... But all I do is work....
Finally I take time off a week in the summer family holiday but I ....can't relax....but need to do the family holiday, I'll pick up email calls and such you know... From time to time...ok most of the day...but it needs sorting...and if I do this one last thing that might let me relax you know??
So I'm in a pub...lunch time its busy my heads spinning now so much going on more problems at work to sort now, even though I'm on holiday...trying to order food but I can't remember what to do what to order I pick two things off the menu for the kids on the bar ...anything for my wife...and for me....I pick what the bloke stood next to me at the bar just ordered..( didn't even like what it is, but I couldn't decide what to have...I needed this task done... Got to get this out of my head)
That was it for me....it clicked maybe what my wife's saying is true...maybe Im not right...maybe killing myself because I can't cope isn't right for a person to feel......I can't be a failure in if work is saying Im really good.....and they happily tell you you're not believe me.
So I went to the GP.....and was honest...sat sobbing in a room with the Doctor......who listened......and helped me see over a few weeks of going back I wasn't right, I wasn't me, I wasn't a failure, I was broken, sick tired rung out...
I took my bike out after the first session with the GP having got a two week note off work....had a great ride then got a flat...no bother I can change a tube in the dark easy!! You know I sat on a log and cried again for about an hour...as I didn't know where to start...how to open my QR.....even though I've done 100's of flats....walked back to the car and finally just mentally crashed.
It took me six months to get my head straight enough to go back to work, to learn to be kind to myself...take a break say no to things to know I wasn't a failure..that my wife and kid alive me and couldn't care what I do...they want and need me as you need you wife because they like be me and me being around.
The funny thing...work was shocked....as we're all of my team my manager etc couldn't believe I was broken....Id kept all the plates spinning....
This may be too long to read.....and she may never read it but.....
She is not a failure,
She is sick,
She will get better,
It will take time, ( like any other injury will take time) you break your leg...you do t nip out for a run the following week do you!!! But people think a week off and you're grand when it's your head...stupid isn't it!!
She needs to learn to be kind to herself, mindfulness was the best thing I ever found it stopped my mind spinning and still does, more so that any medication I was given at the start....I know though the combination of both was the key.
And finally.....Take the Tablets if offered by the GP! What's happens is she's been pushed too hard too long, her brain reacts by pumping in all the chemicals we need to fight and thrive under pressure...but we can't and were never designed to live with these chemicals for months weeks years...all the tablets do is rebalance that chemical structure ...while you're body rebalances on its own and you can eventually slowly slowly come off them.
My heart goes out to you both mate....I've been there as have my family.
But she can and will get better..I promise...the first step take take time off work and see the GP is the hardest. But it right thing to do...she won't believe this but Work will keep going with out her..even if she's worried it won't!!!!!.
I'm two years don't the line now...new job (same business) great relationship with my boys and wife, my perspective sorted, I know my warning signs....Im on the right work life balance track....but sill still slip back to wanting to take too much on start to work more etc...but I'm mindful of that as is my wife and she will tap me up!!!
I'm even a success in my job....I always always was...
Good luck mate.
She sounds very driven and keeps herself very busy. Does she ever just do nothing or is she physically and mentally on the go all the time?
What you describe sounds like she is burnt out slightly.
Someone posted earlier about mindfulness and I'd highly recommend it also. Www.headspace.com is well worth trying and super easy to get good results from.
I used to be a sceptic but having massively benefited after burning myself out I've become a regular user.
Good news lunge.
Also good post from Wookster.. wow...
Wookster's nailed it. Excellent post.