Help! I need parenting advice - tweenage daughter with boyfriend!

Dad to two (just turned) 14 yr old girls. Both have had / have boyfriends and, as we trust them, we are letting it go. I did it. My wife did it. You did it. Your wife did it. Just let her get on with growing up.

Apparently, as I’ve just found out, the current etiquette is ‘talking’ boyfriend - they hang out, talk, see if they like them, then move on to more ‘holding hands and kissing’ stuff. I have no idea if that’s the same where you are - could you ask the question?

Whatever you're afraid of could happen anywhere. Her room is her space, probably set up and and decorated the way she likes it. It's natural that she should want to "entertain" in it, not in your space. Also, parents know nothing and can't be trusted 😉  so being in her room gives an added privacy not available in the rest of your house. I'm not saying that's logical or right, just stating how she might see things.

Edit: my daughter wasn't much interested in boys at that age, just horses. Boys are cheaper.

firstly I declare I have no experience in this area.

talk to her about what you are concerned about, explaining why you aren’t ready (try not to position as she isn’t ready).

Find the nearest nunnery and get her married to Jesus ASAP!

Count yourself lucky. My daughters boyfriend is having a “sleepover” here tonight. They are both 18 but it’s still strange times.

If you need any proper guidance relating to teenage boys I suggest checking out a documentary called The Inbetweeners. Useful, factual insight into teenage boys minds.

what scotroutes said.

Trust her to make sensible choices with your guidance, if she feels she has to go against your wishes or behind your backs then when things do get serious she'll find it hard to be open with you.

Well you could try this.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kNitJVFC18o&pp=ygUbTWVldGluZyBkYXVnaHRlcnMgYm95ZnJpZW5k

Okay so apart from the argument that it's her space what would you rather?

A) they hang out in her room with you nearby "just in case".

B) they go off somewhere else away from anyone who could intervene if needed.

I get it. My daughter is 10 and I'm resigned to this sooner or later. But whatever she does, I'd rather she was doing it somewhere safe and that she is in control. Don't be naive enough to assume that if they're not in your [mandated visible space] then everything is just fine. If you don't create an environment of trust then she simply won't trust you either and just go elsewhere.

I've seen what can* happen to lassies that aren't allowed boyfriends in the house and I'll be damned if I'm going to let that happen.

*can being the operative word, not necessarily so but it's not a risk I'd take.

LOL at the video clip

I'm one of the least scary Dads possible. Fortunately my 2 brother in laws are an ex-soldier and an ex-prison officer, and while both lovely guys just look psychopathic.

Also OP - how do you feel about your daughter having girl friends in her room, having sleepovers etc?

Also - she’s not tweenage, she’s a teenager.

Let her entertain in her room but ask that they leave the door open?

I think that's the approach I'll take in a few years with mine.

Have 3 boys and I imagine if I had a daughter I'd be a massively over protective father.

But as others have said, I think you need to trust your daughter. Thirteen isn't too young for having a boyfriend, but a boyfriend at 13 is quite different to a boyfriend at 17.

Let them chill out in her room but leave the door open. If something is going to happen it's going to happen. I'd imagine it's better to ensure she feels comfortable at home rather than them scurrying away somewhere else.

But going back to my first paragraph, if I had a daughter I imagine I'd want to lock her up on a tower. I've no idea why and it defies all logic but I don't feel like that with my boys ages 12 - 19. Mental I know.

Thanks for the advice and opinions everyone - even the funny ones! Much appreciated 👍🏼

But going back to my first paragraph, if I had a daughter I imagine I’d want to lock her up on a tower. I’ve no idea why and it defies all logic but I don’t feel like that with my boys ages 12 – 19. Mental I know.

I've got a 6 year old daughter, my old boss summed this up well as he had sons and a daughter: "with a son you have to worry about one prick, with a daughter you have to worry about a world full of pricks"

Support your kids.  Let them do what they need to do, in a safe and appropriate manner.

Have the talk, but not *that* talk - let her know that relationship stuff can sometimes be wild and that you're there whenever she needs you either emotionally or physically.  You can't share your adult experience with regards sex, but you can share it with regards relationship dynamics because that's what's really important. Whether or not they kiss is neither here nor there.

She just wants to sit in her bedroom upstairs with him and watch movies.

I'd have no problem with this.  If it were one of my daughters I'd MUCH rather it were happening in our house with me there.

In the far east conservative culture it is a no, no. But the more liberal ones allow them to be together as long as they don't start to investigate each others reproductive organ.

Since we are in the Western liberal society, I guess the only thing you can do is to tell them not to do the "adult thing" whatever you define that to be.

A teenage girl is going to get nailed by a teenage boy at some point whether you like it or not, unless she's a Friend Of Garak. The only way of avoiding that would require a prophylactic and a time machine. So the question really is, would you rather it was in her bedroom with you immediately on hand for emotional support, or in the pubic bogs behind Poundland?

Aged 18 I spent a good degree of time wrestling with my conscience in the bedroom of a 16-year old. Her parents were fine with it. Mostly we sat reading Stephen King and Dean Koontz novels. Ultimately I lost my virginity to her older sister on a camping trip some months later. 😁

Also,

What Molgrips said. And not what Chewkw said. Which is pretty much the STW-proscribed guide to life generally TBH.

Have a 16 year old daughter with no interest in boys - or, as far as we aware, girls.

From friends though, be supportive, give sensible advice, the door open rule is a good compromise for now.

The fact that they’ve known each other for a while and grown into this stage is a good sign.

Been through it with her older brother though. First girlfriend at 13/14, they were sweet together, but too young for that.

Ultimately I lost my virginity to her older sister on a camping trip some months later.

I'm not the only one curious about this story, surely?

As the father of teenage boys - my advice is: be welcoming but set rules.

I am happy for Thump to have a girlfriend (she's even joined us on holiday!) - they are happy together, adventure together and, importantly, study together. Mrs SC regards GF as the daughter she never had.

Thud even had a girlfriend at 10 - but that was just someone to go bowling with, go to McD's with etc.

Not unusual to have 4 guys sleeping in his room at a weekend (2 share a bed and 2 on the floor!). By being welcoming I at least I know where he is and he's not walking 5 miles home at 2am.

PS: It's the parties you have to worry about !

Also,

What Molgrips said. And not what Chewkw said. Which is pretty much the STW-proscribed guide to life generally TBH.

Literally spat out my coffee.

Teach her how to use a condom, by going to a tall building and waterbombing the people below.

My 13 year old Daughter had a bf from when she was 12 until a few months ago. They went to primary school together so we'd known him for years.

We let them sot and watch TV in her room, but had a open door policy. Did the same with my son when he had his girlfriend round.

Kids don't seem to have the same emphasis on boning as we, well I did when we were that age.

Mrs BigJohn and I started "going out" when she was just 14 and I was 15.
I can reassure the OP that his worst fears are well-founded.

But I guess things were different back in 1969.

The fact is that at 13 you can’t control the decisions that she’s going to make, all you can do is manage the environment in which she’s going to make them and make it as safe as possible.

I’d also talk to her about contraception, from the point of view that you’re not suggesting that she needs it now, but that it’s something that is better started before she needs it (and it can help control her periods). Your partner may be a better person to do this.

I've got a 10 year old daughter and am thinking about how I'd approach this.

Firstly whatever you don't want to happen in your daughter's bedroom is only likely to happen in a park one night with someone who she hasn't spent time with beforehand, so probably let her have her b/f over but with an open bedroom door policy.  Let them hang out and get to know each other in her own environment.

Also for added safety, when he comes over say to him "whatever you do to my daughter, I'll do to you".

MSP has it, put condoms in her hand bag if she has one, her pockets if not, in her room, in her swimming kit. Make light of it, pleasant teasing. Remind her she can say no, and no means no. If there's a serious discussion to be had it's about all those vids on the Internet, and how they aren't representative of what most most people enjoy which is boring old-fashioned vanilla sex, which is great and her boyfreind needs to know that too.

Please don’t rely on condoms for contraception.

They’re good for preventing STIs, pretty rubbish for contraception.

You sort have to go along with it but set rules - open doors. Unfortunately you also have to accept the #boyfriend' even if you aren't keen. Daughter has been with her boyfriend about 5 years, but he's steered where she goes to college and then almost University - he's got no qualifications and dropped out, then had us visiting Uni's all over the country, she and him went to one local after seeing costs, but he then changed, went to one over the Pennines, and dropped out after a few weeks. He's spent the last year just doing nothing but gaming ! Not even attempted to study or get a job.  We have to go along with it. Daughter doing well at Uni.

Also for added safety, when he comes over say to him “whatever you do to my daughter, I’ll do to you”.

What if he gives her all his money?

Also for added safety, when he comes over say to him “whatever you do to my daughter, I’ll do to you”.
What if he gives her all his money?

I was going to say, if we're talking first boy/girlfriend here, IME taking her to the cinema and Burger King and following her round various clothes shops only to get nothing back from it..... not that much of a threat.

Between condoms and the pill there's about 1% difference whether you take "used perfectly" or "imperfectly" stats. Other methods are unlikely to be used by a teenager:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/male-condoms/

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/how-effective-contraception/

Condoms with use of morning after pill in the case of known failure is highly effective and avoids the risks of taking the pill or more invasive contraception methods which carry objective risks of depression and disease

https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/causes-prevention/risk/hormones/oral-contraceptives-fact-sheet

https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-38265865

From personal experience which is obviously anecdotal: 30 years of condom use for contraception, 1 use of morning afer pill, zero unwanted pregnancies, zero contraception related illness or depression, no trouble conceiving when wanted.

One girl I knew was very much in favour of the pill "clamped firmly between my knees". 🙂

Dad of 2 girls and 1 boy all now in there 20s/30s.

We kind of had open door policy. Big challenge these days seem to be 'private' photos. No ability to control what the other party does with them if they fall out in future and kids can be cruel.

My advice was never take a photo of yourself or someone else you are not happy for Granny and Grandpa to see on the internet!

The kids get taught a lot of sex education these days - don't worry about it. You should still talk to her about it, but no need to panic or overdo it, just be open so she can talk to you if needed.

Better at your house than anywhere else BUT LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN.

Father of a 16yo going on 21

I imagine if I had a daughter I’d be a massively over protective father.

I thought I would be that person before I had kids. But, after 13 years, I know enough about my two to be able to trust them and I am sure many other parents would agree - I kinda think we grow and mature with our thinking and expectations as we watch our kids growing up. Fast forward another 10-15 years and you'd be ecstatically happy when that same daughter tells you she is pregnant and you are about to be grand-parents.

Between condoms and the pill there’s about 1% difference whether you take “used perfectly” or “imperfectly” stats.

Progesterone only pill (the least reliable form of oral contraceptive) typical use (the stat that matters) 91% effective.

Male condoms, typical use, 82% effective.

So by your own link, you are wrong.

BTW most condom failures are unknown failures, so the morning after pill doesn’t come into it.

You are right that there are risks with pharmaceutical contraception, however they are safer than not taking contraception because the risks of an unplanned pregnancy are a far greater risk to a young person’s health and well-being.

Anecdotes are not data.

That YT clip was just hilarious!

I'm intrigued by the way the stats are presented. eg: That used (perfectly or typically) x in 100 women will get pregnant in a year.

How many times has that method been used then? 3x a week on average so 150x, and then if that was weekly at least some of the time it's pointless because she wouldn't be ovulating, and so on.

Sorry, not adding to the discussion (did that already) but I'm always intrigued by stats and the public presentation of them.

Getting reliable statistics about sexual activity is one of the banes of evidence based medicine.

But in general they’re presented in a form that’s meant to have most meaning, ie, how much could someone expect their own risk of a pregnancy to be reduced independent of other factors.

Ovulation methods (both avoiding and targeting) were considered notoriously unreliable the last time I updated on this topic (admittedly a few years ago), and AFAIK not much has changed.

problem here is that you can trust your kid, you've had a hand in upbringing, oral guidance and openess. However, there's another kid involved, whom you've no real idea about, and your kid will have some emotional attachmenet to, which makes things rather more complicated, and unknown.

We had a kinda door open rule. just a door stop to prevent the bedroom door from closing all the way. we'd make a lot of niose when coming up the stairs when we needed to, and they could hear us downstairs, so understood that we could also hear them (we couldn't).

However, when she was over at his house, his parents used to go out for walks for several hours and leave them in the house alone. We didn't find this out until they split.

At the end of the day, if motivated and given opportunity, kids will do whatever they want. As parents it's a hard pill to swallow, but we just have to be as supportive an non judgemental as possible when things don't go right.

Let her entertain in her room but ask that they leave the door open?

I think that’s the approach I’ll take in a few years with mine.

I think this is the way at that age, coupled with finding reasons to walk noisily up the stairs every now and again!

There is no perfect solution, but would you rather she was seeing her boyfriend in your house or somewhere where you have no clue what is going on? Always best to make the family home as welcoming as possible to avoid creating an 'us and them' dynamic.

This fly on the wall documentary shows how teenage girls cope with teenage boys

I’m not the only one curious about this story, surely?

There's not much of a story really. We went camping, we had sex in a tent, it was nice. The only eventful event other than, well, the event itself was the aforementioned younger sister yelling "do you want a brew?" and almost walking in on us.

Male condoms, typical use, 82% effective.

So by your own link, you are wrong.

How much of "typical use" is actually improper use, I wonder? I've been fortunate enough to have a degree of sex over the 35+ years since I went camping and I have never, ever had a condom fail. But then I grew up in the 1980s, back when any survivors of impending thermonuclear war were all going to die of AIDS and so it was commonplace to see targets of our lust on TV demonstrating how to roll condoms onto fruit. Quite what they did with the banana afterwards was left as an exercise for the teenage imagination.

We used to control the environment, not the behaviours. Behaviours is down to trust. But if teenage kids want a party with a few light beers, better in our house sat around the projector playing computer games, than in a park on high strength cider. Her room is her place. Give her a few choice facts in a friendly way. Be sure she understands, then leave her to sit reading poetry to her boyfriend. My suspicion is that at that age most kids are either oblivious or terrified of carnal knowledge. Information is what matters. And trust.

The problem with an open door policy is it’s not actually trusting your child, and I think it sends a message that you don’t trust them if you’re not watching.

Also, if, for whatever reason they’re determined to have sex, an open door policy won’t stop them and would make them more likely to go and do it in a less safe location. Plus as others have said, his parents may be very much more permissive.

I’d let them close the door, but noisily check up on them (cup of tea?, we’re ordering pizza etc) fairly frequently.

How much of “typical use” is actually improper use, I wonder? I’ve been fortunate enough to have a degree of sex over the 35+ years since I went camping and I have never, ever had a condom fail.

That’s exactly the point, most condom failure isn’t obvious, it’s through improper use.

Most people do not know how to use condoms properly because they’re not really user friendly. What’s worse, is that most of them aren’t even aware that they’re doing it incorrectly.

Getting reliable statistics about sexual activity is one of the banes of evidence based medicine.

If it's any use, I'd categorise mine as infrequent.....

The problem with an open door policy is it’s not actually trusting your child,

Very much this.

Another thing you might want to consider is whether or not your daughter ever hears you and your partner having sex. If you're not sure, then have a couple of noisy sessions when she's at home. Once she realises what can be heard - even through a closed door - that might be disincentive enough 😂

It's quite telling that all the posters in here seem to consider sex to be the riskiest activity that might be going on.

The problem with an open door policy is it’s not actually trusting your child,

I was speaking to someone once who's wife worked at the local health centre or family planning clinic or something. He said that every time the fair came to town the teenage pregnancy rate went up!

Uncle Buck approach?

on a more serious note my Daughter is 7 so all this is something to look forward to! Will be coming to you @theotherjonv for advice!

If it’s any use, I’d categorise mine as infrequent…..

When you have to scroll down to "None of the above" option

If you’re not sure, then have a couple of noisy sessions when she’s at home. Once she realises what can be heard – even through a closed door – that might be disincentive enough 😂

"Male condoms, typical use, 82% effective." My own link gave 85%, others 87%. That includes people who "forget" to use the condom and "don't follow the instructions". Check for failure when you take it off was part of my science lesson.

Frankly arguing against the use of condoms on this thread is not in the interest of the OP's daughter. Effective contraception and protection from disease.

One STW poster long gone, Teasel, promoted the natural cycles method, again very effective when used properly but not appropriate for a young teenager.

It's a discussion to have with the child, now, if it hasn't already been done. There are choices to be made and choosing contraception goes beyond what is taught in school. Being "put on the pill" to quote Billy Bragg is something that needs discussion.

One of my school mates was a father at 15, that did cause a fuss but they're still together at 62.

have them over.

Its probably about the same time i would have removed all the doors in the house for painting.

If it’s any use, I’d categorise mine as infrequent…..

C'mon STW, you're letting me down here......

Check for failure when you take it off was part of my science lesson.

As mentioned by myself before, most condom failure is not obvious, and so checking the condom is intact won't prevent it.

“Male condoms, typical use, 82% effective.” My own link gave 85%, others 87%.

The 82% effectiveness I quote, came from your second link.

Incidentally,

I read somewhere a couple of years back that a popular form of contraception amongst teens is "up the botty." That might be something to take into consideration for those taking the "anything you do to my daughter..." approach.

Its probably about the same time i would have removed all the doors in the house for painting.

"Sorry love, I've got the decorators in"?

"The 82% effectiveness I quote, came from your second link."

So it does, and yet the first NHS link specifically about condoms only quotes 98%. As you've probably found there are as many typical use figures as sites you visit and 82% is the lowest.

"most condom failure is not obvious" link please because I've not found that and I'm interested in the source.

“The 82% effectiveness I quote, came from your second link.”

So it does, and yet the first NHS link specifically about condoms only quotes 98%. As you’ve probably found there are as many typical use figures as sites you visit and 82% is the lowest.

98% is if used perfectly. 82% is in "typical use", which as I said previously, is what matters, because using condoms effectively as contraception is complicated. Using them to prevent STDs is far more effective.

82% is probably an average, I've heard lower in the past. No matter, they've just not very good as a form of contraception, and other forms of contraception are far more effective.

“most condom failure is not obvious” link please because I’ve not found that and I’m interested in the source.

The source is the last family planning course that I did. Admittedly a few years ago, but I don't think that condom technology has changed much in the intervening years, especially as the rest of the information on the NHS website pretty much holds true to what I tell my patients on a regular basis.

Condom failure as a contraceptive occurs because of user error. They are actually complicated to put on correctly.

• They need to be put on before any penetration occurs, which (if you'll pardon the obvious pun) is hard.
• They need to be put on correctly, and if they're put on incorrectly, they need to be removed, thrown away, and a new one used. This includes mistakenly putting it on, and finding that it won't roll down because it's the wrong way up.
• They need to be removed and any residual ejaculate needs to be cleaned from the penis if there is going to be any further intimate contact.

Lots of people struggle with all three of these points. They're especially troublesome for younger people who tend to have higher fertility, and not have access to a plentiful supply of condoms when they have sex. Their refractory time is also much lower and so they're more likely to have multiple episodes of penetrative intercourse in one encounter. Also, by definition they're more likely to be in a new relationship, be inexperienced in sex and lacking in confidence to take control of these things.

Young people also disproportionately struggle to access healthcare for things like emergency contraception, for similar reasons.

Thank **** our child is covered in fur and has four legs. The only thing that showed him any interest was Milly the Labrador and he barked and chased her away.

sounds like you've got a gay dog 😉

Not that there's anything wrong with that. 😉

I seem to recall Gogglebox picked on an excellent piece on "Stephs Packed Lunch" or whatever its called about choosing the correct sized condom.

Must have been interesting lunchtime viewing for those who saw it live, and guaranteed to calm any rampaging teenage hormones!

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. 😉

Of course not. As long as he's not promiscuous and can put on a johnny with his paws.

(frankly, I don't know why dogs are as obsessed with humping as they are. If I could lick my own bits I'd never leave the house again. I think we're going off topic a bit)

If I could lick my own bits I’d never leave the house again

Sounds like  you've tried to know that you can't!

(frankly, I don’t know why dogs are as obsessed with humping as they are. If I could lick my own bits I’d never leave the house again. I think we’re going off topic a bit)

My dog* was licking his bollocks. A mate** said "man, I wish I could do that." I replied "give him a biscuit and he'll probably let you."

(* - I don't have a dog.)
(** - and increasingly few friends.)

Sounds like you’ve tried to know that you can’t!

Who hasn't.

(frankly, I don’t know why dogs are as obsessed with humping as they are.

Because they have no time perception and thus don't understand that humping everything in sight may lead to a trip to the vets in a few weeks time and loss of their testicles.

refractory time

I have never heard this saying. So what is the average refractory time per age (asking for a friend). Is 168hrs average for a 49 year old friend? 😉

Are you including time for pleading?

Our dog is a girl but she humps her bed all time. WTF is that all about?

You might be overreacting (for now) - they're young, you're having the right sort of conversations with her and you said he seems a decent lad. That's a good start, no?

A bit older, but just had to have 'that' chat with my 16yo son this year.  He's going out with his first serious girlfriend, and it's 5 months now. I had a good and open chat with him, I trust him and think he's a good hearted lad, and his girlfriend is lovely. They're going to start if they haven't already, and I hope they enjoy it (safely with regards to contraception) - it's only natural.

My pals have been teasing my son with this Micky Flanagan clip! 🤣

I just want to clarify something from the OP:

She just wants to sit in her bedroom upstairs with him and watch movies.

Were these the exact words used, or at any point was the phrase

Netflix and chill

dropped into the conversation?

You have a sexy bed. HTH.

@ zeesaffa, one thing I’ve not seen mention if that your daughter knows the lad from a swimming club. As a lad who basically grew up in swimming clubs, who married a swimmer and who’s best mates are also swimmers, there’s an important thing that has been missed.

The wider teenage populous, particularly the male part, can be somewhat obsessed the bodies of the opposite sex (or same sex, if thet’s their preference). Swimmers rarely have that issue as they grown up seeing their mates, male and female wearing basically underwear. So whilst I’m not saying he won’t be a hormone ravaged lad (they all are at that age), there might not be the novelty that other kids would have.

They also often train in mixed groups so any funny businesses on either side will be turned into ridicule by others in the group so there is almost some peer protection there.

Finally, and I accept this is purely anecdotal, my experience is that swimmers are much more body confident than non-swimmers, again, due to the time they spend around others wearing swimming costumes/trunks.

Basically, it may not be as bad as you fear…

Thanks for getting back, Kramer, it's about human failures rather than condom failures. Wires slightly crossed, similar views.

The OP should get his daughter to read the thread. What do you think of that idea, zeesaffa ? 🙂

My dog* was licking his bollocks. A mate** said “man, I wish I could do that.” I replied “give him a biscuit and he’ll probably let you.”

Jasper Carrott, c1982

Thanks for getting back, Kramer, it’s about human failures rather than condom failures. Wires slightly crossed, similar views.

Indeed it is. Which is why we try and guide young women to have the implant fitted if possible.