[Closed] happiness....or trouble and strife?

I think it would be impossible and unreasonable to expect that in sharing every aspect of your life with someone that sometimes you will not get on, you will not like eachother and that you won't sometimes wonder 'what else is there'. There's nothing wrong with that but I do think it freaks people out that sometimes the bumpy patches aren't sorted out with an 'I'm sorry'. It seems to me that often people feel relationships should be gloriously happy all of the time and shouldn't require any work, they should be naturally easy when the reality is this just isn't the case. Any relationship takes a massive amount work and commitment regardless of whether you are married or not. Of course there is no shame in deciding to end a relationship if you are definately unhappy with the way things are but it's tricky knowing when you get to that point!!

I can't say I won't ever feel the need to leave my husband but in the past we've had rocky patches and thought about it, it just takes a fair bit more work. It's upsetting and very tiring all the extra work but things get better again and you find you've actually come out of it as a stronger couple. What I think I'm trying to get at is don't assume that just because you have the odd falling out or issue with one another doesn't mean you have to break up, people get together for a reason and that reason often gets forgotten once the relationship becomes 'the norm' rather than exciting like it is in the first year or so

They say that Marriage is full of blokes who can't believe how much their wives have changed since they married and women who can't believe how little their husbands have changed. In my own case, my wife is not the same happy, carefree woman I had fun with for two years. She first snapped at me about 10 minutes before our marriage and I wish I'd seen the writing on the wall and called a stop to it at that moment; I went through the ceremony in shock at her rudeness and have been suffering her insults for the last 14 years.

It's a bit lame sounding, but my father gave me some advice when I was in my 20's. "Ali" he said, "if you're going to get married, make sure you marry a friend".

Stuck with me that did and so far has turned out to be very good advice. My wife and I are great friends and whilst we get grumpy from time to time we get through. Secret is to TALK to each other, it's when you stop talking the trouble starts. Irritations become niggling doubts and sh*t just escalates if you don't stop it. Been there and got knocked sideways. I thought all was OK but I was an arragent sod and had no idea just how much of a PITA I had become. She fell out of Love and I was replaced... Blimey that hurt. Took about two years to sort my head out. 😯

Lesson learnt the hard way.

If you actually like your other half then keep them 'in the loop' so to speak. Otherwise might as well just end it now...

Why do you put up with it then globalti? Life is to short to stay put, find someone who you can have fun with and not get insulted by?

I do sometimes wonder if we're really meant to spend all our lives with one person - maybe a marriage licence should only last for a few years, and then have to be re-newed?
Mind you, my parents reached their 60th anniversary last March 🙂

Intersting - have to say globalti I wonder what your Mrs would do if you gave her an ultimatum? Emma82 I agree it's all about hard work.

My own situation is quite different - only a few months in, everything is great bar 1 issue where she just wants to take the piss. I think an ultimatum is due, I've been round the block too many times to put up with that crap, or spend months seeing how it will turn out.

We had issues for a while but I just buried my head in the sand and thought everything would be ok, how wrong I was. It took her leaving for me to realise I was not making her happy and neglecting her and my son and letting work come first. I wanted to work through the issues but it has gone to far for her and was told the other day that there is no chance of getting bcd together, which hurt a f'ing lot.

If anything good has come from this it is I now have a much better relationship with my son, I get out on my bike when I want and I will never ever let work get in the way again. I have realised life is to short and money is not the be all and end all I had thought it was.

Why do you put up with it then globalti? Life is to short to stay put, find someone who you can have fun with and not get insulted by?

Because we have a 12 year-old child.

So your son will grow up thinking that is what a relationship is all about? Mum & Dad being miserable and just putting up with it? Like Mr 50 said above, it might not seem it but you could end up with a much healthier relationship with your son and indeed wife if you separate or at least give an ultimatum that things have to change.

....each to their own method I say. Talking stuff over can only make things worse most of the time .. She will be pissed and say something to hurt you. You will say something bad back .. What was said in a temper will then make things worse ... and still more talk??
Nah .. Get out of each others way for awhile I say.

Been with mine over 20yrs. Been a nitemare at times been great too.
An early rule I made after seeing my older brothers marriage, was never tell people you know about your problems with your partner ...nothing worse than knowing that somebody knows bad things about your other half once your all friendly again.

Anyways. I gotta get out of house for a few hours. Her mother died the night before last. She easing up on the tears slightly, but now starts the thinking back on the things I called her mother (God rest her soul)

outa sight outa mind me thinks..

Blissfully happy, thanks. Happy New Year to all.

My own parents fought like cat and dog all their lives but never separated because they were strict Catholics. It was hell for us kids when they had rows and when we married my wife and I agreed that whatever happened we would never argue in front of our child.

In the face of all the insults and sniping I decided six months into our marriage that I would simply stick to safe subjects and discuss as little as possible because I had already learned that whatever I said was the wrong thing; I believe this is called retreating into sullen silence. Now we get along OK and life is tolerable. When our child reaches 18 and goes off to uni I will need to take a decision.

Living a lie then really. Sorry I don't mean to sound so harsh it's just sad that you can't be with someone to share lots of happy times with. There is something to be said for not rocking the boat but your lad isn't 18 for another 6 years. If you stick around til then on his 18th you're going to leave his mother, he's going to ask why, you're are going to say you've been unhappy for a long time, he's going to ask why you stayed together and you are going to say.......for you of course. His world is going to crash very hard.

Living a lie then really. Sorry I don't mean to sound so harsh it's just sad that you can't be with someone to share lots of happy times with. There is something to be said for not rocking the boat but your lad isn't 18 for another 6 years. If you stick around til then on his 18th you're going to leave his mother, he's going to ask why, you're are going to say you've been unhappy for a long time, he's going to ask why you stayed together and you are going to say.......for you of course. His world is going to crash very hard.

There are very very many couples in the same situation, believe me. His life may crash but by then he will be a young adult making his own way in the world.

....think he means. As soon as kid has left for uni ... his wife is gonna have a shit storm of abuse!

There is almost always blame on both sides if you look hard enough, although 'blame' is maybe too strong a word as people can just grow apart and change/mature. Is it worth staying together just for the sake of it if that's the case?

I've pretty much given up on finding 'the one' but in your case Al there is hope. I have a mate who was in a very similar position to you at your age, who now has 5 kids and appears to be blissfully happy (he looks absolutely knackered though). As said ^^ you've got to be friends as well.

If your current girlfriend has only one issue, that doesn't sound too bad but for you to think she is 'taking the piss' with it doesn't sound good. Have you tried the tried some of the meds I see advertised which can add 3" in 3 weeks. Got to be worth a shot 😉

Fair enough, but don't let yourself feel it's the only option and that if you did something to make yourself happy it's going to negatively impact on him, it would be traumatic for a while but he'd get over it, just like you say he will when you tell him at 18. The big difference is you won't have spent another 6 years with a woman who is not making you happy.

Mooman - Member
....think he means. As soon as kid has left for uni ... his wife is gonna have a shit storm of abuse!
POSTED 2 MINUTES AGO # REPORT-POST

That may well be the case but if it is, what is the point-living another 10 years of spewing hatred at eachother meanwhile getting older and older and looking back thinking 'why the hell didn't I listen to STW' 😀

Have to say globalti I'm not in your shoes but I don't think I would be taking your path, life is too short.

LOL @ Woody - now I know where your handle comes from (puns intended...)

I don't believe in "the one" and am not looking for perfection, just that this girl is the latest for years (decades?) I could see my self with long term.

It's remarkable that you have managed to not co-habit so far.

Depends on what 'the issue' is I suppose and whether you can put it aside or let it irritate to the point where you hate everything else about her too. Have you seen [url= http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shallow_Hal ]Shallow Hal[/url] - vaguely interesting if you can put up with the irritation that is Jack Black.

There's no way I would be prepared to spend 20 years with someone in a sham marriage. I haven't read the NYE thread but from many previous posts on STW I think that many of those complaining about their marriage are simply cowards who don't have the courage to confront their partner and change things.

I also reckon that (for blokes at least) the top 3 causes for marital unhappiness are (a) financial (I can't believe how many still discuss buying bikes on the QT), (b) physical (their partner just doesn't want sex often enough) or (c) they're just not getting enough time to do stuff on their own/with mates.

The first and last of those should be resolved through discussion as soon as you're married - or even beforehand. If your relationship is based on one particular behaviour or pattern you can't expect it just to change unilaterally. Arguably, the same could be said about the sex issue but there are few of us who would feel like discussing that up-front in a rational manner.

As for there being a "the one", that's pish and tosh too. With 6 Billion people on this planet, you'd have to be incredibly lucky to meet the only person out there that's perfect for you in your short time here!

For druidh - tis true though 🙂

Been saving myself innit Woody 😉 akterlly I never wanted to just co-habit, only get hitched, prob too immature/keen/fussy so far. The issue is something she does that she acknowledges is out of order, just to wind me up - not a good sign IMO, CBA waiting ages to find out by default.

Agreeing on everything and never having an argument would be incredibly boring.

globalti - may I suggest looking at your situation from a different perspective? What message do you think your child is getting about relationships? Do you want him to think that it's 'normal'?

I'm of course speaking from personal experience. Twas interesting having a discussion with my adult son and him talking about his younger years. He found it strange that his parents didn't really spend any time together.

Life is too short to be stuck in a miserable relationship.

I think that many of those complaining about their marriage are simply cowards who don't have the courage to confront their partner and change things.

Who's complaining? The married men I know are all very discrete about their marriages. I'm only allowing myself to mention it on here because of the anonymity of the forum. As for being a coward, I stood up in front of all my friends and family 14 years ago and made a solemn vow, which included the words "for better or for worse". That doesn't sound like cowardice to me, it sounds like loyalty and determination.

I also reckon that (for blokes at least) the top 3 causes for marital unhappiness are (a) financial (I can't believe how many still discuss buying bikes on the QT), (b) physical (their partner just doesn't want sex often enough) or (c) they're just not getting enough time to do stuff on their own/with mates.

A rather simplistic view of a complicated situation, though you may be right in citing these as the top three reasons.

may I suggest looking at your situation from a different perspective? What message do you think your child is getting about relationships? Do you want him to think that it's 'normal'?

You are absolutely right, this does concern me but how many children are actually brought up in a family where the parents are still openly lovey-dovey after a decade or two of marriage?

You are absolutely right, this does concern me but how many children are actually brought up in a family where the parents are still openly lovey-dovey after a decade or two of marriage?

Substitute 'lovey-dovey' for 'warm/caring/respectful'. Yes marriage changes particularly so when there's children.

Let me ask a question - when you wake up in the morning, how do you feel, ie do you wish you were somewhere else?

I do sometimes wonder if we're really meant to spend all our lives with one person

I strongly agree with this. We are continually evolving.

I don't believe in "the one" and am not looking for perfection

S'interesting that, in't it?

One of me best mates has bin with his wife now for over twenty years I think it is now. She was only the second girl he'd ever properly gone out with. They were together for seven years before they got married, and tbh I can't see them ever parting. They've recently adopted a little girl, and there aren't many other couples I know who are so 'complete'. In some ways I'm very envious. Several other friends are in/have had some utterly disastrous and destructive long-term relationships; one mate in particular is in a right old state with a scheming, manipulative bitchfromhell who has properly wrecked his life. But he 'loves her'. It's just sick, from my perspective. I can see it killing him or at least leave him a complete wreck for the rest of his life. Call me selfish, but there's no way on Earth I'd suffer even a fraction of what he goes through.

Had a think about stuff recently, looking at 'failures' in my life, trying to get some perspective on what needs to be fixed/improved/discarded/abandoned etc, and thought about the past relationships with women I've bin in. Out of all of them,there's praps only one woman I could really see myself with now, and as much as it may have hurt at the time the relationships ended, I can honestly say I'm glad they did.

In more recent relationships, I've bin extremely mindful of not getting in too deep unless I can genuinely and clearly see a positive future in it for [i]both[/i] of us. This doesn't mean the other person is in any way flawed or 'wrong', but as much as they need to be 'right' for me, I need to be 'right' for them. I feel it's important for me to think like this, to employ such caution, cos although it might mean a lack of short term fun, it could definitely save a whole heap of pain and trouble further down the road. Not considering the potential impact on the other person is utterly selfish and even irresponsible, imo.

when you wake up in the morning, how do you feel, ie do you wish you were somewhere else?

Ha ha, yes, I am instantly awake and wanting to be out of bed and downstairs having the first cup of tea of the day.

But to answer your question in the way you want, no; I yearn to be out in the wilds of Scotland waking up in a tent or a bothy or getting up in moonlight in an Alpine refuge but that is something most people from a mountaineering/outdoors background probably yearn for. On the whole I enjoy being at home in familiar surroundings, warm, clean and dry in an environment I can control. When my wife and I met we recognised that we would probably be able to get along even if things weren't that great, so we got married. We have proved ourselves right in that respect - we have the same attitude to money and to bringing up our child and we both enjoy skiing, walking and cycling so life is [b]tolerable.[/b] I think it's unrealistic to expect much more than that.

I met Mrscarlos at the end of '88 at work , despite getting those tickly feelings young(and old) men get in their nether regions we were just good mates for nearly 2 years.

One night we all went out and as occasionally happened the nightclub we went to ran out of her BF's favoutite beer so he went home leaving her with his mates and the rest of us knowing that we'd see her home safely.

Unfortunately for him it was me that was looking after her that night 😈 , to this day we don't know who made the first move but we were all over each other like a rash.

After 8 months we'd got a mortgage together and moved in , it took us another 13 years to get round to getting married and anther 2 before children made our happy lives even better.

It's not all been plain sailing like most couples we have the odd spat/argument but we never go to bed with things unresolved and we talk if there's anything bothering either of us.

It might be a bit finger down throat but I can honestly say that my wife is the best thing that ever happened to me. 😀

Back when we got married, I would have said the former, now, or at least after last night, the latter. Mind you, I guess it's at least half my fault, but that just means it's half hers.

Yes, the house move is putting stress on us both, as are other things. Yes, the Champix side effects aren't helping me either (I've decided to come off them now), but I try to be nice to her and don't get it back (sometimes).

I don't know. Maybe calling it a day is an option, but I really just want her to go back to being the lovely woman that I married. I just don't know how I can get her back, or whether I need to change to do that.

What's worse is that the only person I can talk to is the faceless entity that is STW.

Quite interesting though cos amongst my circle of female friends who are of a similar age, most are in unhappy marriages. Seems to be normal that once kids have left home, the common ground is no longer there.

It reached the stage where every morning I would wake up and think 'oh no here we go again, I really don't want to be here'. So eventually did something about it. Looking back I should have had the strength to do so sooner instead of now feeling that life has pretty much passed me by. 🙁

Wow, can't imagine going through life thinking that it's OK because it's "tolerable".

Every situation is different, but I don't understand why some people put so much emphasis on "staying together for the sake of the kids". My parents divorced - amicably - when I was 10 years old and I can honestly say it was the best thing that could have happened in my life. Not because I didn't like my Dad - he's great - but because my mum went on to meet someone completely different, which shaped the way my own life has gone. I wouldn't have had half of the experiences I've had if my mum didn't meet my step-dad. My dad has also gone on to remarry, and a lovely lady she is too.

Whether you are meant to be with the same person all your life is in my view a state of mind-it won't happen if you don't believe in it and work towards it.

Globalti, respect mate. You're a good man.

Unrealistic to expect more than tolerable! Not in my experience.

As for being a coward, I stood up in front of all my friends and family 14 years ago and made a solemn vow, which included the words "for better or for worse". That doesn't sound like cowardice to me, it sounds like loyalty and determination.

You are not being a coward, you're right you are extremely committed to your vows but from what you have said she isn't sticking to hers is she? I'm sure there was something in mine about love and respect etc (may not have been I was soooooo stressed I wasn't really listening to much of what was said 😀 ) and the way you describe the relationship you seem to be sticking with the 'for worse' bit more than anything else. That said if you're happy with everything else there are worse situations you could be in, I've known a few people in genuinely spiteful, hateful and dangerous relationships who just don't know how to or are too frightened to leave.

globalti - Member
We have proved ourselves right in that respect - we have the same attitude to money and to bringing up our child and we both enjoy skiing, walking and cycling so life is tolerable. I think it's unrealistic to expect much more than that.

Thats not what I want. I would hope Im not in the minority either. Tolerable!? Thats not what its all about.
The fact you think its unrealistic to expect more really rather upsets me.

You deserve better than tolerable.

Wow in a relatinship that's "tolerable" I'd rather be single thanks! Relationships are there to share experiences etc etc blah blah blah not waking up thinking "oh b***r hope she goes out with her mates tonight".

Interesting debate though about "the one". I used to really want to get married as a kid, I guess becuase my parents have been together 35 odd years and are still caring/affectionate/happy (most of the time!!!!) although now I don't see the issue or have much interest in marriage. It clearly doesn't mean much to a lot of people it's so easy to get divorced and walk away, therefore why bother in the first place? We own a house together, have joint bank accounts and have written wills, what would having a ring on my finger and being Mr crashtestmonkey bring to my relationship? Sweet FA IMO.

"Tolerable"? Yeuch!

The thing is, by just grinding it out you're not only depriving yourself of a decent life, you're also depriving your wife (although you might actually want that as some form of revenge/retribution) and I doubt your son is going to thank you when he looks back at all his childhood experiences and photos and realises it was all fake. What a lesson to pass on to our children.

Life is not a dress rehearsal and fortunately these days there is no finger wagging or shame when a marriage ends. That's best left to the very elderly (like my mother who's disappointed with me).

It's all very well living under the same roof, never having a cross word and being civil to each other but, hell, you may as well be living with a sibling! Are you sure that's the sort of relationship you want?

druidh speaks common sense above (as he invariably does).

Bloody he'll what's the point in being with someone you don't like very much?

Life is too short for that

Split up with my fiancee in November for various reasons

It's been a tough one as neither of us really wanted it, but we couldn't seem to make it work

It makes it harder knowing she was my best friend too

🙁

You will be dead for longer than you'll have been alive and are able to make choices only during the being alive bit. What on earth possesses people to accept drudgery and numbness? I'd rather have a dozen short but largely happy relationships than one or two grim long term ones.

^This.

Since when have relationships ever been straightforward? Some people get together early on in life and stay together forever, others have a series of short term relationships. Some relationships look "perfect" from the outside, but are actually falling apart, other couples appear to be always arguing, but have a very strong partnership. There isn't a clear-cut answer to when 'enough is enough' - when compromise within a relationship shifts to being past the point of acceptability to one person or both. It isn't up to those outside of a relationship to decide for the couple concerned that their partnership / marriage is not worth continuing with.

What is often underestimated is the huge amount of emotional pain and practical chaos that happens when a long term relationship ends. When my partner ended our relationship after 16 years it completely floored me in every possible way - emotionally devastated, self-confidence destroyed, finances overturned, and lost my home and half my belongings. It took over a year to deal with all that, and although I am now happier than when we were together, it is not a process I would ever want to go through again, even though we both worked hard to keep it as amicable as possible (and have remained friends).

As to the OP's original question about why people seperate - there are probably as many reasons as there are relationships! In my case, we both changed as we got older and I guess just grew apart. But I do firmly believe that both people in a relationship are responsible for it - whether it succeeds or ends.

@jools182
My first separation from my now ex-wife left me with all kinds of regrets, what if's, and resolutions. These were not immediately apparent to me in the early period following my departure but took a while to realize.
The best thing I did was decide to give the relationship another go with these lessons on board.
The marriage ultimately failed but at least I had no regrets about what might have been, and I'm sure my ex felt the same.
We both knew it just couldn't work any longer.
I'm happy again but not married but have no regrets about my past. I have no idea what she's up to as we are not amicable.
I only say all this as I hope it helps your closure in some way as it did mine.
There's no harm in giving it another go.

😀 After a 25 year relationship, my wife has decided she wants a divorce. Initially I was shocked, but now I' ve got used to the idea, the loss my children will suffer through no fault of their own, the way they will view relationships for the rest of their lives. I could forgive my wife if she wasn't so adamant that it's ALL my fault and if she would have attended marriage guidance counselling. She just can't bear feeling guilty and won't take criticism of any kind. Nutter! 😆

Relationships are hard work and you have to make compromises. I tried, but reasoning and accountability are not my wife's strong points.

Unfortunately we live in a society where individuals put their personal needs before their responsibilities. It's OK to screw your family up, just so long as you get personal fulfilment eh!?

I blame airey fairy women's magazines for their jaundiced perspective on modern life..married women have never had it so good, yet they are so unhappy. They can earn good money and be independent, so why do they get married? The pressure to conform no doubt. Religious and parental pressures, but children need to be brought up in a secure environment. I like the idea of marriage licences expiring. That would keep people on their toes and provide the wedding businesses a lot of extra trade.

At least I will be able to llive in peace, without a psycho offloading contiually her guilt on to me, the perpetual negative jibes that slowly grind you down, being with someone who deceives you and disrespects you.

I'll be doing as a bloody please, awesome! 😆

Might even sail off into the sunset!

Happier days lay ahead.

I think if you're talking about relationship issues that are clearly derived through communication that you can't address between one another on a public forum, then there's something not right IMO.

Erm I think that's self evident? (Whether directed at me or others)

Interestingly I was at a pal's tonight and got an update on a friend of her's whose hubby had left. On the face of it he's an arse (I'll omit details) and it's easy to blame him...but she blinded herself to that for years and is only now seeing it.

Takes 2.

So grab the bull by the horns and sort it out / face the limelight. You're only putting off the inevitable, and if you get kicked off your horse, you've just get to get back in the saddle.

Soz for the cliche's but they 're based on hard facts,

You are absolutely right, this does concern me but how many children are actually brought up in a family where the parents are still openly lovey-dovey after a decade or two of marriage?

This family here, after nearly 30 years together. Most of the credit is due to Mrs Sandwich as I was an arse in my mid-30's. (Mental illness does strange things to a person).

so life is tolerable. I think it's unrealistic to expect much more than that.

I find that terribly sad. I don't want that for myself, my other half nor anyone else. I don't think everything should be fireworks (of the good kind) every day, although I'm sure that'd be great, but I do think everyone has a right to be happy and an expectation of their other half being made happy too. Having had a close family friend kill himself because he felt like he'd wasted his life in a situation he wasn't happy with I can say I have no intention of reaching the later stages in my life thinking "Well, it was tolerable".

As for there being a "the one", that's pish and tosh too. With 6 Billion people on this planet, you'd have to be incredibly lucky to meet the only person out there that's perfect for you in your short time here!

Well all I can say is that I must have been incredibly lucky, we've been together 26 years and married for 19. We have had shit times (mainly my doing) that have been outnumbered by the good by many a factor.

Gobalti, I wish you the best.

To OP ... for me it hurts until today but it is my own doing. 😥 Maggot I was ...

Globalti,

so life is tolerable. I think it's unrealistic to expect much more than that.

I have a friend, when he was young the atmosphere in the house between his parents was awful. He hated it. When he got older he asked his mother why they stayed together, she said 'for you children'. They were able to discuss it and he was able to tell her how awful it had been for him.

My parents had a rubbish relationship. From when I was very young I was the go between. I have written here about how controlling my parents were - because they did not want me to grow up and then have to face each other and their relationship. They made my life hell. If anyone had asked them, they would have said they were great parents.

At some point in my late teens I asked them to divorce as they were so utterly unhappy and my life was still that of a ping pong ball. One of the posters earlier said that he was waiting for his child to be independent, that the child would then cope. It does not work like that. People become more inflexible as they get older. Younger kids adapt and cope better and I wish my parents had split up when I was young. When they did eventually divorce it was my sister who could not handle the break up - my sister, quite a bit older than me being 35ish, married since she was 20 and mother of 2 kids. She went to pieces. During discussions about our parents breaking up, we both discovered we had been told by our mother that is was 'your fault I had to stay with your father' and our fault her life had been miserable. Don't wish this stuff on your kid - stay together by all means, but take your children aside, ask their view of their life and what they see as a good course of action - don't assume you know how they feel or what they want. They could be living in hell for all most parents know... and its pretty miserable if that's where you feel you are and your parents are too bound up in themselves and what they think is 'right' to even bother to care or ask how it is for you as the child. It makes you feel worthless and of no consequence.

My long term relationships have been problematic and not successful. I put at least some of that down to not seeing a relationship with successful negotiation in it as a child and having been taught that to suffer and be miserable is appropriate and that change is 'bad'.

Revolutionary Road is on BBC2 now 10pm

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0959337/

seems appropriate to this thread.

I think this is a difficult issue to comment on. It is easy to say, 'don't stick together for the sake of the kids' but you will always be tied by them if you have them, unless you walk out and abandon them and never look back - but could you live with yourself for the rest of your life after doing that?

If you are single and you dump successive partners for not measuring up it can become habitual and you end up being a lonely middle aged (or approching old aged) forum poster with no life outside work - trying to feel fulfilled by pets and hobbies.

Hard to find a happy medium (I know) but that, IMHO, is what it is all about!

i got married 4 years ago, a matter of weeks after we got married my new wife decided that due to being in a mood it was okay to punch me in the face.
she also felt that shouting and screaming at me when we were together and ignoring me at all other times was acceptable too (no reply too phone calls/texts etc).
i put up with it for a few months, then i snapped and told her point blank that if i didnt see a massive change THAT DAY i would be outta there.
i must give her her due though, there was a massive change in attitude, and we get on much better now.

One thing a certain bad, but slightly addictive, American TV show about lawyers taught me is....

You don't always know when someone is the right one, BUT you do always know when they're not

ask1974 - Member
It's a bit lame sounding, but my father gave me some advice when I was in my 20's. "Ali" he said, "if you're going to get married, make sure you marry a friend".

Stuck with me that did and so far has turned out to be very good advice. My wife and I are great friends and whilst we get grumpy from time to time we get through. Secret is to TALK to each other, it's when you stop talking the trouble starts. Irritations become niggling doubts and sh*t just escalates if you don't stop it. Been there and got knocked sideways. I thought all was OK but I was an arragent sod and had no idea just how much of a PITA I had become. She fell out of Love and I was replaced... Blimey that hurt. Took about two years to sort my head out.

Lesson learnt the hard way.

If you actually like your other half then keep them 'in the loop' so to speak. Otherwise might as well just end it now...

I tend to agree with you, ask1974. I've been married for 18 years, and have tried to live by something my grandmother once said about not going to sleep angry.

@mooman:

I'm sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. Best to all of you.

Good on yer Martymac

I think I've resolved my issues enough for now but I suspect they will come up again.

Firstly, anything I say on this subject should be viewed as suspect as I have such a terrible history with relationships, but here goes anyway....

OP - I agree that generally it is very rarely just the fault of one party. However, if one party does decide to be abusive for whatever reason, it is easy for the other other to fall in with it (rationalising it as something minor until it's accepted behaviour) and not stand up to it, I know I did. I got on tolerably with my first wife, but she could be a real demon and was certainly abusive in putting me doewn in front of others and with rages and occasional violence etc. She went away for a "weekend" with the office sleaze when I was away at a pre-agreed stag do, and reacted in fury to my somewhat indignant questioning when I found out where she'd been. I was too feeble however to issue ultimatums or whatever though at the time, and stupidly "let it go". I do however still feel tremendously guilty as I was the one who ended it, although I still feel it was the right thing to do. Second one was a rebound, but she seemed (initially at least) to be a good friend and much better adjusted than the first one (if she kept off the sauce, sadly that was rare). How wrong could I be though.....she was off to have someone else's kid within a few years and I now see just how manipulative she was. I was totally devastated when she left without warning after telling me it had been going on behind my back for a while and I pretty much gave up for a while.

I then resolved not to marry. Had a good time and basically learnt that everyone has faults, don't put them on a pedestal, adjust to their flaws or walk away if you can't etc. Then I met Mrs Ononeorange, and was so knocked over that I ignored my rule on non-marriage. I know now what a relationship founded on equality and mutual respect is really like, and couldn't be happier.

I rationalise the above as me having learnt the hard way what most people learn when they're in their teens, but I suppose the "moral" of this shameful story is the bit about mutual respect. I also realise that not having had any kids makes the decisions etc much easier.