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So......
Very happily married.
A colleague who I've known for five years and considered a very good friend has made advances.
I've told her it's not on.
I've kept my wife informed.
I feel a bit let down because she's been a good friend.
I have the opportunity to take up a new job, but it would involve working closely with her.
WWSTD?
Tell her if it happens again you'll be forced to make a complaint about her inappropriate behaviour to HR?
Hammer frozen sausages into her lawn?
I hope you aren't misreading the situation as badly as this woman did:
https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/woman-loses-harassment-claim-after-30009789
A lot of her conclusions are totally baffling but most bizarre of all imo is this :
It was heard when she invited him to a lunch in September, 2020, to get some peace from him sending "lots of messages" - he declined her offer.
Ms Gasparova told the tribunal this was because "lunch involved romance and he only wanted sex".
So serious answer….
It’s really good you have kept your wife in the loop. I would be explaining to the lady that you’re happily married, have no intention of leaving your wife and you would really appreciate that her advances end there.
At this stage it doesn’t appear to be harassment; and I wouldn’t think it’s yet a position where HR need to be involved. But you’re closer to it than any of us, so you can probably decide on that yourself.
If you want the new job, then do it. You’re both adults so should be able to move on.
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ernielynch
Full Member
I hope you aren’t misreading the situation as badly as this woman did:
Christ on a bike.
Is there anything on this forum that you can't be a miserable, self rightous, patronising **** about?
There's a world of difference between making advances and inappropriate behaviour. If you feel it's only been the former then the best you can do is be honest. She is likely going to be embarrassed at misreading the situaion. If you think the other job is worthwhile, I wouldn't let the situation stand in my way. Maybe have a conversation with her about your intention to go after the role, just so she is aware.
Pete take no notice of anyone being a tit on here, you are a great judge of character & know how the real world works.
I'm sure you can keep everything on an even keel but make sure your supervisors know the situation.
Christ on a bike.
Is there anything on this forum that you can’t be a miserable, self rightous, patronising **** about?
Jeezus sorry mate. I thought it was quite an amusing story which was covered yesterday by a lot of news providers, your thread reminded me of it.
My apologies if it made you angry, that wasn't the intention, I didn't realise that you expected all the responses to be totally serious.
Hope you get the situation sorted out.
...considered a very good friend...
Lots of people have friends "with benefits".
Did she actually know you were happily married? Do you still consider her a good friend?
I'm trying to figure out whether she just asked for a casual no strings attached shag which may not automatically exclude the return to a previous "just good friends" state after an innocent mis-read of the situation.
If so, and you actually want the job, not sure there's any harm...
Talk of harrassment seems a little stretched based on what I've read but if you've known her for 5 years, you've got a better idea of whether she's likely to turn into a bunny boiler than us
Tell her it's only on if she can seduce your wife too?
What is there to do?
Nothing other than sorry, not interested.
I’ve told her it’s not on.
Has she backed off or persisted?
I'm a bloke in a predominantly female working environment.
I've always, always made it clear that I have no interest in a relationship with any of my colleagues.
We became very good friends whilst studying for our degree.
She's been round to our house, I know her family and she knows mine.
I had no idea that she felt this way until she made it physically obvious.
This was a few months ago.
I had to tell her that her attention was less than welcome.
No harassment.
My apologies if it made you angry, that wasn’t the intention, I didn’t realise that you expected all the responses to be totally serious
No worries Ernesto.
But it took a while for me to able to post this.
Then I remembered how much help I've had in the past when discussing serious topics.
You lot are invaluble.
You need to let her down gently. No need for drama or mixed messages, or faint sigms of hope. Dont allude to anything more, like saying 'if i wasn't married then it would be game on'. This will continue the infatuation.
Try to keep her in the friend zone only. Tricky to use firm but friendly statement saying thats its work only, apologise, but you love your wife and have no intention of changing the situation.
I’m a bloke in a predominantly female working environment.
I’ve always, always made it clear that I have no interest in a relationship with any of my colleagues.
So am I … I can imagine how awkward this must be.
…but I’ve never had any attention 🙁
I have the opportunity to take up a new job, but it would involve working closely with her.
if the incident happened months ago it would depend on how things have been since then.
Are things back to normal or super awkward? Would she be in a position of authority over you, a subordinate or a co-worker?
Also, always make contemporaneous notes at the time if anything happens again.
But it took a while for me to able to post this.
Sure, I obviously misjudged that, my apologies once again. It wasn't intended in anyway to be a comparison, it was just something that I had read the day before and had found quite amusing.
I genuinely hope you sort it out as relationship issues at work can be very awkward - you can't simply walk away from them other than by resigning.
I can't suggest anything but based on the little information of the situation I do think this comment is important "I’ve kept my wife informed".
It means that at least it won't cause trust issues if you start getting unsolicited text messages etc. I think for a lot of people the reaction might be not tell the wife but that is likely to cause heighten suspicion should she somehow find out. Good luck.
You need to let her down gently
Handled fantastically so far. Last bit is just letting her down gently so you don't destroy everything around you. You obviously had a good relationship with this person if they had been to your house and they may be going through their own difficulties so this might not be normal behavior for them. You've protected your own relationship really well, if you can manage to protect them as well then that's a bonus. Not reacting too quickly might help as they will also be reacting to your rejection and if you are both trying to control the situation at full speed it is more likely to go out of control.
As long as your colleague is respecting your wishes, and your wife is ok with you working with her, then I don’t see a problem.
If anything untoward does start to happen, keep a contemporaneous diary of events.
All a part of the perils of working in a female dominated environment. I had me being friendly with folk being seen as advances, I had folk I was friendly with being ostracized as they obviously were screwing me and I had over friendly and over familiar folk as well as some sexual harrassement
Be clear, be kind - or just totally ignore - be blind to it
I wouldn't worry too much about the other post. Just apply for it if yo want it
reeksy Full Member...
…but I’ve never had any attention 🙁
How accurate is your user name?
OP nothing new to add to the multitude of comments above really. Sounds like you're handling it right already.
How are we to judge without photographs of wife and temptress?
So without knowing the full facts. Would it not be possible to keep temptress on ‘the back burner’ in case things with wifey don’t turn out?
Not sure what your working environment is like otherwise but I’d also mention it casually to my line manager or keep a diary of any advances. Not as a complaint but just in case it went sideways. If she ever did feel scorned by your rejections then it could get messy.
You shouldn’t have to, but equally it might help if you one day find yourself sat in front of HR.
Been in the same situation, it’s awkward, i told my admirer the same thing, and 5 years on we are still pals.
It can be done, just follow rule 1, don’t be a dick.
As far as the other post goes, I’d probably still go for that.
Worst humblebrag ever. 😉
i think if you imagine swapping all the genders so you are a woman working in a male environment and one of the men you know well makes a pass at you, I think it becomes clear what socially acceptable is in these circumstances. I find it very odd to think that a friend can meet your spouse, and still think there’s a chance enough to make a clear and explicit suggestion. If it wasn’t clear, have you read too much into it. If it was unambiguous it doesn’t feel like a friend to me, it feels like a predator!
...We became very good friends whilst studying for our degree.
She’s been round to our house, I know her family and she knows mine...
Makes this seem Like a questionable choice.
I’ve kept my wife informed.
Not that it's really a thing that happens to me, but I reckon I could rebuff a female friend without having to relay the event to my missus, especially if she happened to know the woman in question. That's just going to lead to some uncomfortable social situations and drama down the line. Plus now the revelation that a new role could bring you into closer contact with this woman just has the potential to wind your wife up more...
Anyway the damage is done now, might as well go for the role, you shouldn't let your sheer animal attractiveness to the opposite sex hold your career back 😉
keep a diary of any advances.
How would such a thing read, other than like a massive ego stroking exercise...
And also:
Worst humblebrag ever. 😉
Yep, Sorta feels that way...
Surely a virile and handsome sexual tyranasauras like yourself always carries a shitty stick to beat them off with Pete?
Keeping a contemporaneous diary isn’t about writing down your feelings etc, it’s about documenting the facts of what happened as soon as possible after the fact, so that if things do turn sour, you’ve got reliable evidence beyond he said/she said.
We need to know if she's fit?
Nearly on page 2 of this thread and no "polishing rusty spanner" jokes. Disappointed to say the least!
jekkyl
Full Member
We need to know if she’s fit?
I’m just here for the photos. Definitely lacking so far
poly
Free MemberI find it very odd to think that a friend can meet your spouse, and still think there’s a chance enough to make a clear and explicit suggestion.
Username is definitely not appropriate
still no mention of flash bangs, this place is slipping 🙂
I would keep her in a holding position should things go squirrely in your marriage. It might mean the odd rummage now and again...
Then if you have the flash-bang (see what I did there) of a breakup, you're quids-in.
P.s. Obvs all above in jest - I work with lots of females and although I've received unwanted 'suggestive banter', I've never had it cross to physical. It has made me feel uncomfortable, but I've managed to laugh my way out of it....different though if it crosses to physical attention....if she's a good friend, you might have to have an open and honest chat with her.
still no mention of flash bangs, this place is slipping 🙂
Page 2 and no-one's suggested a threesome, standards indeed.
Page 2 and no-one’s suggested a threesome, standards indeed.
I think you’ll find kimbers had that covered on page 1
I’m just here for the photos. Definitely lacking so far
I agree. OP sounds like a right studmuffin. I want to see what he's offering this swarm of forthcoming ladies.
I think you’ll find kimbers had that covered on page 1
Ah, point.
I agree. OP sounds like a right studmuffin. I want to see what he’s offering this swarm of forthcoming ladies.
I've met Pete, and I don't understand either. 😁
Neither do I! 😀
Thanks for the replies, made me laugh.
And sorry Ernie.
No worries Rusty, in hindsight I can see how you might have been a bit apprehensive about the responses. I hope that amongst the responses you found some helpful comments!
Username is definitely not appropriate
🙂
Page 2 and no-one’s suggested a threesome, standards indeed.
I posted about halfway down the 1st page
The difficulty is trying to remain good friends. Always tricky, but hopefully she will realise that.
I got on really well with a younger lass at work, but she also got on with my wife. I said to my wife she was like a little sister rather than another woman.
RS - you are a lovely chap and this lady has taken friendship for something more. Maybe she's insecure and thinks you feel the same as her.
Tell Her quickly with kindness but be firm.
I got on really well with a younger lass at work, but she also got on with my wife.
Do they let you watch?
WWSTWD?
Sounds like you've already done it.
No drama.
I’m a bloke in a predominantly female working environment.
I’ve always, always made it clear that I have no interest in a relationship with any of my colleagues.
If you become too friendly they might misread your signal as being available? Yes, No?
We became very good friends whilst studying for our degree.
hhhmmm ... how good is very good?
She’s been round to our house, I know her family and she knows mine.
In far east culture, that's a sign of checking you up to see if you are the candidate.
I had no idea that she felt this way until she made it physically obvious.
Give us the detail of the physical nature. Shake hands?
This was a few months ago.
Sounds like she has been waiting for a while to have the courage to make the move.
I had to tell her that her attention was less than welcome.
hhhhmmm ... is your verbal rejection consistent with your physical rejection?
No harassment.
Sounds like she just had a moment of weakness.
Question to all, how do you know if a person is attractive or not? I seem to lose the ability to distinguish between attractive or otherwise. For example, the 90s TV presenter Siân Lloyd, when I first saw her on the telly I practically laughed non-stop because she looked "funny" (I stopped laughing once I found out she was meant to be attractive). Also, is Kylie Minogue attractive or just a sweet girl?
We've both been here for over a decade and I still genuinely can't work out whether you have a split personality disorder or an opium habit.
You can be sensible and rational at times. Grasp those times. They're much nicer.
OP just needs to send the colleague in question a link to this thread. Job done.
Is she hot? !!!
She is probably embarrassed about the whole thing - just let it go and act as if it didn't happen.
No need to escalate anything - unless she starts being a bunny boiler.
I’ve kept my wife informed.
Brave man. I wouldn't be doing that - I'd rather chop my left testis off. Not because I'd be hoping there might be some side action, but because I couldn't stand the hassle. Because ultimately it would be my fault - I must be giving off the wrong signals at work; I must look like I was interested therefore probably am. etc etc. Then somehow it would be my fault if I had to go away with work...even if the person in question is not there "according to you". And potential frostiness at any social thing where partners are involved. Nope, taking a mild risk of something coming out later is way preferable in my shoes to the inevitable hassle of doing the seemingly right thing.
You can be sensible and rational at times. Grasp those times. They’re much nicer.
Chllax man 😁
Brave man. I wouldn’t be doing that
As my good mate used to say the more is being said, the more "ammunition" is given for future use and they never forget. Never.
Whatever happened at work stay at work unless the "boss" requires a "report" of work at home.
Also reporting can be interpreted as sub/unconsciously guilty.
I think I’d rather marry someone who trusted me.
Well, if your partner does themselves a mischief laughing so hard at the prospect of you being considered a catch, that trust is very easily won eh Cougar 😘
Well, if your partner does themselves a mischief laughing so hard at the prospect of you being considered a catch, that trust is very easily won eh Cougar 😘
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Well, if your partner does themselves a mischief laughing so hard at the prospect of you being considered a catch, that trust is very easily won eh Cougar 😘
😁 well played.
In seriousness though, I find Chewkw's notion of a grown adult requiring "permission" for things just odd. If you can't be honest with your partner, "there's a lass at at work who said she likes me, I told her I was happily married so she said 'oh, sorry' and went away again, what time does Pointless start?" then that doesn't strike me as particularly healthy.
If it does come out in the wash and you'd never said anything, surely that's far worse. Why were you hiding it? What else might you be hiding?
Right I know Pete (Rusty Spanner & his wife Sue) and they are one of the most genuine couples you could wish to meet.
I'm guessing Pete's admirer likes a chap who is
- quite beardy.
- not that tall.
- passionate about a whole load of stuff.
- a friend of binners 😉
Haven't you heard? Hairy, slightly dwarvish Binners enthusiasts are so hot right now.
martinhutch
Haven’t you heard? Hairy, slightly dwarvish Binners enthusiasts are so hot right now.
Ahh that's where I have been going wrong 😉
Haven’t you heard? Hairy, slightly dwarvish Binners enthusiasts are so hot right now.
If only I could grow a beard.....
When Eric Cantona said ‘when the seagulls follow the trawler it is because they know that sardines will be thrown into the sea’ he was actually referring to me following Pete around, with him leaving a trail of heartbroken laydeez in his wake
I even tried growing a beard but it just looked like I’d put my head on upside down
Damn, rumbled......
a friend of binners 😉
Is that some sort of counter-euphemism to being a friend of Dorothy?
On the bus to Ramsbottom?😀
I think I’d rather marry someone who trusted me.
I’d rather chop my left testis off
No need, someone beat you to it.
Username checks out
Also, is Kylie Minogue attractive or just a sweet girl?
Both, actually. She is a very attractive woman, but everything I’ve ever read about her from people who’ve met her all say she’s a genuinely sweet and warm person.
*sigh* such fond memories of the Friday Kylie thread…
Hey chaps - there's more to women than looks you know. I've met some stunning women in my life (through my job) and some didn't have a brain cell or personality between them. :O)
Also, is Kylie Minogue attractive or just a sweet girl?
Is heresy a bannable offence on here? If not, it should be.
Hey chaps – there’s more to women than looks you know. I’ve met some stunning women in my life (through my job) and some didn’t have a brain cell or personality between them. :O)
Honestly, the thing I've always found most attractive in a woman has been what's between her ears. I'd happily date someone who "wasn't the best" physically, but I couldn't cope with someone who was thicker than a whale omelette.
(fortunately I've managed to land someone who is both intelligent and gorgeous, quite what she's doing with me (as someone else alluded to yesterday) I don't quite know.)