[Closed] Had my first oap fart in town today. Not the fart, how I handled it.

Many years ago at work an older colleague - mid-fifties maybe - came over to my desk, papers in hand, to discuss a project. There wasn't a spare chair so he decided to perch on the end of my desk and as he landed a small audible fart slipped out.

There was a brief awkward silence during which he decided to pretend it never happened, and started talking about work. Luckily it didn't smell (or perhaps the air currents we're kind that day) or I'd have just got up and walked away.

Could’ve been worse, there might have been a follow through. Give it ten more years

Many years ago Mrs Scape and I were in a crowded curry house in Bradford. As we sit waiting for our order she lets slip an audible, short sharp "quack". In one of those "time stands still" moments she stares at me with a look of horror on her face, I try to think of a witty retort, but the guy on the table behind her beats me to it "Bloody hell Luv, you can tell you two are married!"

A few years back we were sat  outside the First and Last House at Land's End enjoying an ice cream.

My wife and three kids were sitting at a picnic bench and because there wasn't enough room, I was sitting, by myself at an adjacent bench. I shifted position on the bench to make myself more comfortable and let rip with a completely unanticipated air biscuit.

It was so loud that I imagined the lighthouse keeper at the Longships, a mile and a half away, tapping the controls of his foghorn as though there had been some malfunction.

In the immediate aftermath, I immediately looked up, directly at my wife, to gauge her reaction. The kids all did the same, snapping their heads round to look at her to see what she would say, while s****ing.

Unfortunately, these looks were instantly misconstrued by the dozens of other tourists surrounding us who all began to stare accusingly at my wife and mutter to each other under their breath,.My wife instantly made matters worse by blushing to the roots of her hair.

I was left with no option other than to front it out and also pretend that she was the offender.

She will never, ever forgive me for that.

My finest moment was whilst invigilating a mock GCSE exam a few years back.
I felt the need to fart, so wandered up an aisle and let rip an immense, but silent effort. Then carried on wandering. The smell permeated, kids started coughing, and all started looking at each other accusingly, none of them seemed to consider that it might have been me doing the dirty 😏

Gti family folklore will always remember the time we went to that Laandon for me to ride the Prudential 100. We had to go to an exhibition centre to sign on and after doing that we went to a cafe in the foyer for a drink. We sat down and in quick succession I let out a loud rasper and knocked my drink over, both of which attracted withering looks from the bloke at the table in front of us, who must have thought we were animals from north of Watford. We finished our drinks and left in a hurry and Mrs Gti has been reminding me of my uncouth manners ever since.

Luckily it didn’t smell

To be fair, whether it smelt or not, I’m still not that keen on breathing in air that’s just been up someone’s arse.

Just carry a duck at all times, then no one will think you're weird.

I’m still not that keen on breathing in air that’s just been up someone’s arse.

I'd imagine that every single breath you take has already  been up something's arse at one time or another.

Went for a walk into town do do a bit of people watching....

... am I getting old before my time at 50?

Yes. going to town for people watching is not a thing a young person does.

Speaking of GCSEs up there, way back in the day I remember sitting n rows of desks in the school gym taking an exam when the lad in front of me lifts up one cheek slightly to, what he told me after he hoped, sneak out a little trump. What actually happened was an absolutely massive ripper, in a silent, echo-y room. I'll never forget the site of his head on the desk, his shoulders rocking almost uncontrollably, as he cried almost hysterically with laughter.

I was expecting a shart story, am disappointed it was only a couple of non-fiction paragraphs.

I’d imagine that every single breath you take has already been up something’s arse at one time or another.

Now you’ve got me thinking about The Human Caterpillar

I once cleared the (admittedly small) dance floor of the Trinity bar in Harrow one evening with a particularly 'dead animal' smelling guff.
All my mates knew it was me, as I slunk off to the bar to get another pint of Caffreys....

And last weekend while at the Natural History Museum with my Wife, daughter & parents I let out a fart in the volcanoes area of the museum that was so egg-y and sulphur-ridden we heard a few people comment that they must be piping in smells near the exhibits to make it more realistic.
That got a demonic look of annoyance from my Wife, as she wandered off to find a less pungent area of the museum, while my daughter repeatedly & loudly exclaimed "I think Daddy's done a trump...."

I have to say, I also thought the OP's tale was going to be about an unfortunate sharting episode.

Went for a walk into town do do a bit of people watching.

What Frank said.
At your age It's called 'noncing'. 🙂

Years ago, I shared an office with a mate of mine. One night after work he came over to mine for tea (dinner to the Southerners) and beers, I made home-made fajitas.

The next day back at work we both had a tremendous case of the farts. We spent the morning turning the air brown, proper rotten egg guffs. It was so bad that people merely walking past our office were stopping to comment, "what's that ****ing smell?" We came up with the genius cover story that it was coming from the gents' bogs next door.

Come the afternoon, someone called out Dynorod to take the toilets / drains to bits.

Get up off a park bench whilst simultaneously holding in my stomach as a young couple are just about to pass me and I need to still pretend to be the Alfa in such situations.

He’s a young buck, definitely not having to hold his stomach in, she’s.. Well she’s pretty hot.

Yeah, cos you need to project the “Alfa” male in daily situations don’t you 🤪🤷‍♂️🙄

Many years ago whilst at senior school, i was sitting a school exam in a physics classroom. This room was slightly tiered so each row of desks was a few inches higher than the one in front of it.
I was sat behind a v quiet mild lad called Phillip. Mid exam i did an enourmous fart, which had everyone laughing and to save the situation i picked up my ruler, leant forward and struck Phillip in the head with it and proclaimed 'You dirty bastard!'.

Advice on turning 60 from Billy Connelly:

If you get a chance to have a wee - take it
Never trust a fart
Never waste an erection

Some years ago wife and I took my dear old dad to Brownsea Island. We stood looking at the fantastic view across Poole Harbour, there was a young couple sat nearby clearly in love when my dad let out an enormous fart. Wife and I looked at each other in horror, I then tried to deflect the sound by scuffing my shoes on the gravel. I thought we'd gotten away with it until dad roared with laughter! 🙄 He was well into his 80s then and still finding that noise hilarious so I've got no chance!

Now you’ve got me thinking about The Human Caterpillar

Is that the kids PG version of Human Centipede? Peppa Pig, Dora and some others with Bob the Builder playing the lunatic?

Is that the kids PG version of Human Centipede? Peppa Pig, Dora and some others with Bob the Builder playing the lunatic?

The Very Farty Caterpillar

I used to work in an outdoor shop in Newcastle and a colleague was serving a lovely, well to do lady and her daughter one evening. Obviously straight from school, the 14 year old ish lass was still in her grammar school uniform. They wanted walking boots for her upcoming DoE award.

Said colleague got out a few pairs of boots from the store room and then went to sit right in front of the young lass on one of those little wooden "ski jump" seats you get in shoe shops. As he sat down he let slip the most enormously loud, rattling fart. A polite "excuse me" and he carried on as though nothing had happened, whilst the rest of us dived for changing rooms, store rooms etc absolutely crying with laughter. I have no idea how he managed to come across so nonchalant under the circumstances.

I’d imagine that every single breath you take has already been up something’s arse at one time or another.

...which I believe is the opening track on Sting's new album

…which I believe is the opening track on Sting’s new album

Chapeau

http://www.dignitas.ch/?lang=en

Yeah, cos you need to project the “Alfa” male in daily situations don’t you

Maybe the OP has thoughts of being a Romeo

I'm abroad at the moment for work. Odd water. Different diet.
You know the outcome.

I wandered into the edge of the forest today as the guide and teachers were studying a stunted, poisoned tree. Once I was a suitable distance from the group I attempted to discreetly release some pressure.

The teacher who had followed me quietly and without me noticing was witness to a falling tuba-like note for a couple of seconds....

She doesn't speak English well, but managed to understand a heartfelt 'sorry'.

😳😳😳

Secondary school passed for me in a brown haze but one episode stands out, 25 years on. Waiting for a music lesson we had to queue in a very narrow corridor, as though the music room was an afterthought during construction. Of course any self-respecting fartist would naturally target such a location, and I duly let rip. The first my mate James W knew about it was a warm wet feeling on the hand in his suit pocket (grammar school, we wore business suits from age 11). The warm wet feeling was Garett P’s vomit, which he’d emitted at the first inhalation of my effort. I was chuffed beyond measure.
Come to think of it, we all knew which teachers found farts hard to not laugh at. Therefore we (mainly me) used spend the prior lesson with stricter teachers swallowing as much air as I could, forcing it into my stomach. I always was a well organised pupil.

As usually happens on long flights, I get spectacular wind. Like, massive cubic litres of air trumping spectacularly from my insides. Always happens. The noise from the plane usually disguises the trump. Not smelly, just wind.

Except one time, when the air hostess came over to ask if everything was oK. I thought the coast was clear, she came from behind, timed her arrival just as I let one go, and my god it was a smelly one. She visibly recoiled, water pouring from her eyes and her face wrinkling as she tried to maintain professional decorum and finish her engagement with me.

I still have PTSD about that one. *shudder*

As usually happens on long flights, I get spectacular wind.

Everybody gets this on a plane - cabin pressure reduces a smidge so all the teeny squeekers that are sat in your gut expand and coalesce into monster trumpage.  Which brings us back to perchy's observation up there.

Of course the opposite happens when you go underwater and gas compresses.  One claim to fame from my diving career is that I managed a fart at 30m - that's 4 bar absolute pressure so it would've been 4 times the size on the surface.

If the OP ‘handled it’ as the thread title indicates, then I respectfully suggest it was more than a fart.

The stories above have reminded me of the time I was doing casual driving for Hertz, taking cars back to depots and delivering them to airports and so on. I reported for work and the Hertz girl in her smart black and yellow uniform told me to follow her to drop a car somewhere, so off we went. I was enjoying drinking lots of beer at that age and somewhere along the road I let out an absolute stinker, thinking: "Wouldn't it be bad if she smelled that one?" As the thought went through my mind she indicated, braked and pulled into a layby, got out and tottered back towards me in her high heels. By then I was in full panic mode, window open, fan on full and wafting my arms to try to clear the evil miasma. She came up to the car, stuck her head close to the window and recoiled in shock, then tersely informed me that we would be diverting briefly to a nearby hotel to drop off some Hertx leaflets. Major embarrassment for a late teens lad with an attractive Hertz dolly.

During a riding weekend in Scotland and a particularly boozy night in peebles we stopped at Innerleithen Co op for food and snacks. My mate dropped his bat at the checkout and gassed the whole queue.
I don't think I have ever smelt anything so rank in all my life.
Even the checkout lady was heaving.

We have an elderly neighbour in her 90's, she's a proper character, old school weegie west end posh, I reckon she was a spy - been absolutely everywhere and proper interesting stories. She has no one else family wise, never married etc, so we have her in for dinner on NYD, another family up the road have her for xmas dinner.

Anyway, couple of years back, she's had dinner and a couple of bailey's, she gets up to go the toilet and the action forces out a cracker. My 9 year old daughter who's got her face buried in her new tablet shouts 'DAD!!', my wife is mortified, I'm trying like **** to not piss the floor...

The auld yin doesn't even bat an eyelid, I'm not sure she even knew she's done it!. 🙂

Still makes me laugh thinking about it!