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Once told a colleague that the former lead singer of Terrorvision was servicing our CNC milling machine.
Told the same colleague that Thatcher had died (5 years prior to it actually happening). Was delighted to receive as email confirming this off another colleague within 2 minutes.
I love you
to an ex partner, even asked her to marry me and she said yes. Good thing I realised before we went through with it.
Well that escalated quickly! 😉
Well that escalated quickly
And that's your big fib?
The management at the place I work all got new iPhones the same day I had bought one, I told the lads on the shop floor I got one as well. Some of them were fuming hahaha!
the former lead singer of Terrorvision was servicing our CNC milling machine.
a) there's a former lead singer of Terrorvision?
b) the former drummer of Terrorvision is now (or, was last I heard) installing interactive whiteboards, so it's not a great leap.
The mighty fall. Geoffrey from Rainbow was a burger flipper in a fast food trailer thing last I heard.
I have an incredible (IMHO) Big Fib, but it'll take a while to type up so it'll have to keep.
When I was in the bank, a banknote nerd came in asking questions about new notes. So I told him yeah, they've announced the new BoE fiver, it's going to be Miles Bennett Dyson, the inventor. I'll keep you back an unused one, if you like.
Off he went to banknotenerdworld.com and told everyone about his exciting scoop from his bank insider. He wasn't that happy with the result... [i]James[/i] Dyson is the inventor best known for his hoovers. Miles Bennett Dyson invented the Terminator.
I say "got away with", more like "got threatened with gross misconduct for", but totally worth it.
Harry_the_Spider - MemberOnce told a colleague that the former lead singer of Terrorvision was servicing our CNC milling machine.
Madness, you'd not let him near anything so complicated.
Once crashed (well, left the handbrake off and rolled) into my Dad's car. Big dented panel on his Ford Sierra. Went indoors and said "Dad, did you know someone's dented your car?" 😀 He never found out.
it's going to be Miles Bennett Dyson, the inventor.
That's fantastic.
Where to begin?
New jobs when consultants turn up (PWC like this) and ask the new group to introduce themselves and include 3 facts about themselves. 2 need to be true and 1 a lie.
I've been through the this process probably 4 times and I've made them all up just to see if I could lead them down the blind alley trap I was laying. Doesn't always work as I'm not a pathological liar - I just do it to keep me killing the well meaning if massively overpaid PWC people.
I used to be in the French Foreign Legion.
I toured France after the financial crash left me redundant for the 3rd time in 6 months and took a job as a surf instructor for 2 months in Biarritz
I'm a grade 7 violinist
I raced go karts as a teen and came second to Rosburg (his dad obviously)
I was mates with Aphex Twin and one of the tracks (Alberto balsm if questioned) was written on my synth
And other outrageous claims that I can't remember.
Turns out I actually can fib rather well...........
In primary school all of the top classes of the local schools competed in a country dance festival. My partner was a smelly little girl from the local grotty family. To get out of the festival I told my teacher that my mum said I couldn't go and I told my mum that my partner couldn't go. Got away with that for 40 years until my wife, who I had innocently told, blabbed to my mum.
include 3 facts about themselves. 2 need to be true and 1 a lie.
I reckon that might make for a fantastic STW thread.
Got away with that for 40 years until my wife, who I had innocently told, blabbed to my mum.
Schoolboy error there. If you did something bad you just have to suck it up and live with it. Tell no one. If you do, there's someone else who's not as invested in keeping that secret and, sooner or later, they'll tell someone else!
When the cycle to work scheme first came in, I convinced a colleague that he needed to take a cycling proficiency test before he could apply for a bike.
I made a "checklist" and got the boss to go along with it to run the test. We secretly filmed him from the office window whilst he rode up and down the car park outside work, weaving in and out of traffic cones wearing a crap helmet, hi-viz jacket and cycling clips.
One of my proudest moments.
Actually, thinking about it, I did a similar thing when I started my latest job in a tech company.. couple of days in I brought in my laptop, which happened to be the same make/model as company supplied laptops.
As I had an issue setting up the VPN from home..
No one on my team has a company laptop..as we don't tend to travel enough to justify one.
So I emerge from the IT area with this laptop under my arm, I'm still oblivious at this point, I take my seat and start fiddling on it.
One of my new colleagues pipes up,"oh, got a laptop, have you?"
Still oblivious, and slightly perplexed by the question I reply "erm, yeah?"
Then the penny dropped, some muttering and murmering followed which was highly amusing, some people were saying they should have laptops too.. and thatvit was unfair...I think I let that one ride for about a week until I let slip it was a personal laptop. I'd swan in, in the morning and make a show of plonking my latop bag down...Bwahaha!
I didn't technically tell any fibs, but it was very funny and a good ice breaker.
Having a relaxing time in a muckysexpond with an ex-girlfriend, I told her that the reason I had incredible wrinkly fingers was because I'd been circumcised and the extra skin had to go somewhere.
That was at least 15 years ago, I have no idea if she still believes it.
I'm not actually a real Panther.
You're a Perch, right?
My biggest fib?
Not guilty, your honor
I told a doctor on my sailing course that in order to anchor, you had to dive in, swim down, hook anchor in the bottom, swim back up and tie off on front of Wayfarer.
He was stood on foredeck with anchor in one had, rope in other, when his wife at the helm started asking why all the other instructors were either stood on shore watching with the boss, or in safety boat following us, with bosses wife.
After asking a few times about the onlookers, she suddenly clocked what was happening, and stopped him from diving in.... 😡
Not wanting to lose any momentum on the gradient that the lollipop lady had stopped the traffic on, I blatantly barged past her, muttering something about a 'curfew' 8)
I once told a girl I was hoping to snog/shag/marry that I was a farrier and that my dad was once a farrier to the queens guards, she was suckered in ! shag was carried out rather disastrously and I scarpered due to an inability to hold my fat due to her rather strong lower section.
the NHS would be £350 million better off a week if we leave europe...
Many years ago, at a previous employer we had a summer party at London Zoo. Private area for a BBQ, behind the scenes tours, the full jobbie. It was glorious. A blisteringly sunny day, everyone in t-shirt order enjoying cold beers.
I had, however, convinced a colleague* that it was a client event. So, best come suited and booted, oh and be sure to bring some promotional materials with you. He arrived dripping with sweat, lugging a rucksack full of promotional brochures etc.
I opened an ice cold beer and offered it to him. I'm not a monster, you know.
*Turned out he later ripped the company off, taking a lot of IP with him. So, perhaps he deserved it.
My daughters (5 and 3), and subsequently many of their friends, think that my prominent BCG scar and a scar on my belly from an op I had as a kid are from a fight I had with a dragon. BCG scar is where he bit me, belly scar from when he whipped me with his tail. Of course I then went on to win the battle.
Mildly pissed at US immigration, asked reason for entering the United States, answered I was representing the UK at the Herring Throwing Competition in Boston. Got away with that. Just.
Convinced my kids there were 5 legged sheep in NZ. They were quite small. Although annoyed to find out this wasn't the case in their mid teens.
Every day. At work.
I stayed off school for nearly 2 weeks . When I was found out because the headmaster sent my parents a letter asking why I hadn't been at school I claimed that I was playing Ouija and it said I was going to die at school in the next 3 weeks . The head just gave me a talk about the dangers of messing with spirits and explaining that somebody must have been pushing the glass and let me off . That compensated for the times I was caned for relatively trivial of fences .
In a bid to get some visiting children to eat the food I'd prepared we "exaggerated" how good my mash potato was. In fact, i even got a nick name "samash". Anyway, one thing led to another and now I'm the world champion mash potato maker. The kids have since told all their friends at school and ask where my trophy is every time they come round. This started about 4 years ago.
I assume at some point they will be old enough and wise enough to call me out on this.
I managed to convince a particularly dim apprentice that Gremlins really exist. Well, that mogwais exist, the gremlin bit was just rubbish made up for the film, obviously. Bred from pandas and koalas for Chinese emperors . I got the whole firm in on it, he believed it for over a week.
Told my wife my Cotic Bfe cost me £500.00
.
It didn't.
In former job as a maintenance tech told the shift manager that a machine was not working as the flux capacitor was not getting the required 1.21 gigawatts and turning up the power fixed the fault. Made sure I pronounced it as jigawatts too.
On another note...I was in the RAF from 89-95. Met a local girl, (locals hated the RAF) told her I was a dolphin trainer at Sea World in Blackpool. We went out for about 4 weeks with me continuing the story.
She used to introduce me to her friends as a hunky dolphin trainer too.
She used to ask me what dolphin trainers did. I replied, " feed fish, clean tank" 🙂
Told an employee I was a classically trained opera singer and an Olympic standard high diver. I have no idea why she believed the bollocks.
dolphins.... fish
hnghhhhhh
was she blonde?
Growing up, me and my sister used to help make jelly for Sunday dinners, birthdays etc. Obviously it was left to set in the fridge, and was off limits.
My dad could never resist, always a spoon full, or sometimes only a finger print showing he'd given in to temptation and had a taste, and was therefore not allowed any jelly.
I was in my mid twenties when I found out he can't stand the stuff, twenty odd years he got out of that one! 😳
I told my wife that our friend Johnny was one of the kids in the chorus of Brick in the wall by Pink Floyd.
(He's from Essex and about the right age)
She thinks he gets a royalty every time it's played on the radio..
For a few years I worked with a site manager named Danny who was the most accident prone person I have ever met. He had been a glazier to trade and had suffered a catalogue of horrendous injuries throughout his life, one of which involved him almost being cut in half when a sheet of plate glass he was carrying sliced through his torso front to back on one side just below his ribs, miraculously missing all his major organs. Left a helluva scar though.......
One day, on a site where Danny and I were working together, the site labourer, Rick came hobbling into the office.
"What's the matter with you?" says I.
"Take a look at this" says Rick, pulling down one side of his trousers and pulling up his T shirt to reveal a huge black bruise down one side of his body. "I fell at the weekend when I was snowboarding"
Sympathy for self inflicted leisure injuries is in extremely short supply on most building sites so my response was predictable.
"MTFU you big pussy"
It was at this point that a moment of inspiration hit me....
"You don't see Danny whining and poncing about the site and he's been bitten by a shark"
Rick expressed a degree of disbelief at this revelation.
"A shark? F Off!" he opined.
"For Real!" I said and then proceeded to make up a highly embellished tale of how poor Danny had been attached by a Tiger Shark whilst swimming in Australia and the heroic tale of how he gouged out one of its eyes so it would release him and allow him to crawl up the beach to receive medical assistance from helicopter medics.
Bullshit. Every word of it.
Rick was still somewhat incredulous but, at this most opportune moment, Danny walked into the site office.
"Danny, have you been bitten by a shark?" blurts out Rick.
Fair play to Dan, he twigged straight away what was going down.
Without a word he pulled up his shirt to reveal the huge gnarled scar which runs from just under his sternum, follows the line of his ribcage almost all the way around to his spine. Imagine in your head what you think a sharkbite would look like. It's exactly like that.
"Fin' 'ell" says Rick and scurries, slack jawed, out of the office and straight into the site canteen where we could see him animatedly relaying the tale to the assembled troops.
That was in 2007. To this day on every site Danny is running, at least one of the guys working on the site asks him ... " Are you the guy that's been bitten by the shark?"
I've created the urban legend of Danny Sharkbite. Danny is bloody sick of it now. Danny, if you're reading this, I'm sorry.
I scarpered due to an inability to hold my fat due to her rather strong lower section.
Spat whisky all over iPad, brilliant!
Yes darling, that is the same bike I've had for the past two years. It's blue, don't you remember?
Worked twice that one 😉
Oh, and "I won the frame in a competition" (dialled alpine that one).
Convinced a lower set that colour was invented in the 1950s, it's why old films are black and white, the psychedelic 60s was them deciding what should be what colour and it took ages colouring in the old paintings.
They weren't the sharpest sandwiches in the box.
A couple of us managed to convince a young lady that the Queen drinks swans milk and that's why they're protected under orders of Her Majesty.
Another good one I heard was the phrase lunatic cane about when the Americans went the moon some flies that were on board the rocket started jumping around like crazy. Hence lunar-tic.
Also a similar story about the Imber tribe of Eskimos had rather stupid pet seals. Imbeciles.
I once jokingly told a colleague that I used to have a job at the BBC, damaging dogs for "Animal Hospital".
She believed me.
Not mine, sadly, but is worth repeating-
A friend one day came out with, while looking at a hillside covered in sheep, "there arent very many boy ones, are there?". When asked how she could tell from such a distance, she said it was because there were barely any black ones.
She'd been told this fact very young and had somehow made it into her early twenties without being disabused of it. Makes me wonder what I'm going to discover isn't true one day!
Oh, and we collectively convinved one of a group trip to belfast last year that he needed to take out euros so effectively that even when we came clean he was still trying to visit the exchange in the airport.
A couple of us managed to convince a young lady that the Queen drinks swans milk and that's why they're protected under orders of Her Majesty.Another good one I heard was the phrase lunatic cane about when the Americans went the moon some flies that were on board the rocket started jumping around like crazy. Hence lunar-tic.
Theres a kids fillum about that, i kid you not!
Google or IMDB Fly me to the moon, featuring one Edwin (Buzz) Aldrin
Oh god. So many lies, so little time.....I don't know where to start.
Convinced an ex that tesco was selling gm chickens which is why there were six legs in a pack. She got quite irate with them and went in to complain as I recall
Gave my mate some advice on how to get rid of 'chimney slugs' from his house (he'd found a few in the front room after a bit of rain) which involved him pushing balloons filled with beer up the afore mentioned chimney and bursting them.
Told our apprentice that the duke of Edinburgh was visiting incognito and got him to stand by reception and bow to any ageing bald men in suits. For 4 hours.
There's many many more.
I scarpered due to an inability to hold my fat due to her rather strong lower section.
Bravo!
he rode up and down the car park outside work, weaving in and out of traffic cones wearing a crap helmet, hi-viz jacket and cycling clips.
I tutored for years. Every proby had to take their "proficiency test" in the car park before they could go to their neighbourhood attachment.
Otherwise it would be a computer based cycling test. And that would be stupid.
Told Mrs JAMJ that Last Christmas by Wham was autobiographical about Gerorge Michaels failed relationship with Boy George... she repeated this to many people...
Told my grandmother that 'felching' was another term for theft... She then used that word in that way for some time.
"She's more like a sister to me"
Some boat party at a regatta, one of the other guests got it into her head I was a wife beater(im not even married)
I thought i'd just run with it. A mate with me spent the evening laughing his arse off. She couldnt twig.
Convinced the Saturday lad that on high-end bikes the inner tubes are directional. Even taught him how to examine them to tell which way round they go 😀
This was about 10 years ago. He's still not clocked that we were having him on.
I tutored for years. Every proby had to take their "proficiency test" in the car park before they could go to their neighbourhood attachment.
This lad is (was) an experienced Detective with 25 years service.
This lad is (was) an experienced Detective with 25 years service.
Was it Phil?
Apologies, but this means nothing to anybody else. Carry on.
Not mine but whilst at uni doing organic chemistry practicals, one of the brighter students asked my mate if he had the grease to assemble the condenser he was using. He didn't, but told him to go to the stores and ask for the KY jelly. Off he trotted, and nearly half of the class watched as the stores ladies erupted into fits of giggles. He had no idea what he had said. He turned to look at my mate who was also doubled over. It took a while to explain with all the laughing, but didn't seem to bothered when he found out what KY jelly was. Everyone else was tickled by it though.
I ride bikes
Spanish holiday,1989 -I pretended to be Australian - accent and all , to woo a German girl.(she thought Englanders were yobs)
It worked! 😀 😯
I have told my son that I am a Jedi Knight.
Convinved a temp who was an arrogant **** that to finish the testing
of a panel, he needed to go to stores and get some fallopian tube.
The stores manager twigged, went into stores for a bit came back and
said none in stock. Gave the young lad a phone number and ficticisous part number. Phone number was for local hospital. All credit to the stores manager.
After that the temp wasn't so bad.
Jambalaya to the forum. Now's your time to shine!
Its fibs you got away with, not fibs Ray Charles could spot a mile off (and he's dead!)
We managed to convince a lad in our football team that Scotland was a different country and that he'd need his passport to travel there for a fixture we were playing - which of course he hadn't brought with him.
Only fell down when the coach driver refused to be in on it and hide him in the luggage hold on the coach while we drove through berwick.
He was at the time a student at one of Northern England's top universities and now a very successful lawyer. Another one for the intelligence vs common sense pile.
It would be so easy in my house that it would be unsporting. Yesterday my wife and daughter were arguing about whether slugs had brains. My wife then turned and asked me if a slug was animal. So it just wouldn't be fair.
The day before Madonna and Guy Ritchie's wedding at Skibo Castle, a now retired DC was told that her security people wanted off duty cops to attend the wedding as guests, unpaid and not in uniform, but they would attend the service and reception. By the end of the day his wife had been to town to get his suit dry cleaned, she'd bought herself a new dress, and he had brought his car to the station for a full valet, wash and polish. He wasn't told until tea time. He was chasing people round the office he was that angry, and fortunately his physical speed matched his mental speed otherwise there'd have been a murrrrder.
Couple from my past (cut and pasted as posted on here 5 years ago)
In a local a few months back, Billie Jean came on and immediately some guy started doing an elaborate choreographed dance routine that he'd obviously been working on all week in front of his bedroom mirror.
A mate of mine (straight after telling every woman on the dancefloor over the age of 40 that I fancied them, but was just too shy to approach them!) wandered over to him, interrupting the guy in full flow, and chatted to him a bit. And kept on pointing at me.
Five minutes later they both came over to where I was standing, at which point my mate said as way of an introduction "Oh, I've just been telling XXX about your work as choreographer for Usher. You two should chat". And promptly walked off.
I cannot dance for sh*t. No rhythm, nothing. But that didn't stop me talking sh*t for the rest of the night about my background in ballet, and how I wasn't insured to dance in public.
Everytime I see this guy, he always comes over with his friends and asks about how work is going, and what Usher's been up to. Seems to look up at me, as though I'm some kind of superstar. Haven't the heart to tell him it's a load of sh*t. Sorry chap.
Edit: have since told him I'd been sacked by Usher, cos I got fed up with the lying.. he hasn't mentioned it since.
and numero 2.
When I was 15 I played pool for a pub team in a local pool 4th division league. I wasn't bad, but the rest of the team were sh*t, and the 35 year old captain would never pick me despite me being one of the best players, always coming up with an excuse week after week after promising to pick me the week before.
One week in particular we didn't have a league game scheduled, and instead held a couple of pub tournaments, both of which I won, walking home with about 50 quids worth of pound coins, a couple of months pocket money for a night's work. He then refused to pick me for the next week's team.
By this point I'd had enough - after not getting selected yet again, I went home (this was in about 1997, had just got the internet) and downloaded a copy of the British Pool Association's logo. I then wrote a letter stating that by not picking me he was in breach of rule XYZ and was facing expulsion from the league. I posted this letter to my uncle in London, who then posted it back down to Cornwall so that it had a London postage mark.
The captain then spent a weekend writing a 4 page ranting letter to the British Pool Association saying how I was tactically naive, and therefore didn't think I was mature enough to play for the first team etc etc. He also sent a copy to me, the local pool league, and the pub landlord.
I then wrote another letter from the Association saying that the team had been disqualified from the league due to the captain repeatedly lying in his letter, as I had supplied them with tape recordings of our conversations which contradicted his letter.
The next Monday Pool night he got me in front of the whole pool team and gave a long speech saying that because of me contacting the British Pool Association the whole team had been kicked out the league, and tried to shame me.
I then revealed it was all a hoax. He did look like a bit of a **** at this point, having been fooled by a 15 yr old boy in front of all of his mates.
I never did play for that team.
told my wife I was a virgin when we met to get her into bed.
Once rolled mrs rocket's car through a hedge and into a field while practicing handbrake turns
I'd swerved to avoid a rabbit *cough*
I used to teach in a prison. One of the common topics for discussion amongst the inmates I'd teach was how bad the food was. Some would try and fein special dietary requirements or religious conviction in order to get put onto a 'special diet' that would at least be dreadful slop that had been cooked in a smaller pan instead of the daily vat of slop. They were also trying to get their heads around veganism and fruitarianism and whether they though that was better or worse than grey meat.
Amongst the other teachers was a guy who taught computing who had a massive Dick Strawbridge style moustache. I told them he had the moustache because of his special diet. I told them he was a Filter Feeder, like a whale, and that the caterers in the staff canteen had to send of buckets of sea water (we was in Birmingham) every day and he's stick his head in and filter out the krill.
My son has a piece of rock that my granddad brought back from the moon.
Not my own lie but my fathers. He told me that we couldn't go to Disney world because children are always being abducted there and he wouldn't risk my safety like that. I spent a long time thinking my friends parents were reckless for taking their kids to disney world. I didn't really think about it until I was in my teens. Had me good and proper.
I told my wife that Christmas stamps taste of turkey when you lick them
My mum missed a couple of items when self scanning in Tesco's, unfortunately she was stopped in one of the random checks and was mortified by the whole thing. Luckily I found out about it so mocked up some headed paper from the local police station and wrote to her to explain she was on a watch list and all of the local retailers had been informed. She went out of town to do her shopping for a fortnight before I told her.
I was test drove a brand new Jaguar after chatting to a dealer and inexplicably deciding to tell him I had won the lottery. He let me take it out for the afternoon.
"No, of course, I haven't got a another girlfriend"
Has been got away with occasionally. Other times not. 😕
Unfortunately not mine, but yesterday a colleague told the Admin Officer that Gullible wasn't in the dictionary..
a colleague told the Admin Officer that Gullible wasn't in the dictionary..
Is isn't. Neither is 'incredulity'. Look it up if you don't believe me.
When we first met I told the now Mrs Womat that my surname was Leuve-Geuse (prounounced Lovejuice) and that is was the result of a Granfather who came from Luxemburg.
She only found out when she saw my cashpoint card (it was the early 90s) about 3 week later.
Playing Maggot Brain to an ex girlfriend in the 90s, I told her that George Clinton was Bill Clinton's brother.
..a bit cruel but told the kids that when they hear the noise of an ice-cream van they should run and hide because it's the cleaning van looking for children to do the cleaning. They believed it for years.
This guy told a great one, been going a while
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..a bit cruel but told the kids that when they hear the noise of an ice-cream van they should run and hide because it's the cleaning van looking for children to do the cleaning. They believed it for years.
Funny that, Our ice creams man plays the music when he's run out of ice creams!
Our ice creams man plays the music when he's run out of ice creams!
Ditto!!
Whilst coaching football in Widnes during the 90's (I'm from Liverpool) I told the kids I was Robbie Fowler's cousin. There was a degree of disbelief but they all began to believe me after a while. I was a decent player BITD and had had trials at Liverpool a few years before, I knew a bit about Robbie, being a LFC fan so could fend off some searching questions along the way.
One day one of the lads brought in his own cousin who was attending [u]currently[/u] trials with LFC and indeed saw Robbie on a weekly basis, albeit from afar but never the less, more frequent than I did!
The quick thinking and talking became harder but the lies still flowed from my lips convincingly, I was actually surprising myself with my quick witted responses.
The coaching role ended for the summer and we all parted ways, the kids going on their merry way thinking they had been coached for the summer by Robbie Fowler's cousin.......role on 3 years and I was holidaying in Majorca when my name was shouted across the pool by a lad, struggling to recall the face it came to me that it was 'Kenny' from the soccer school, bounding over asking how I was and if Robbie Fowler was with me, I could have come clean but without thinking I just said ' Oh no, he's on preseason at the minute!'
To this day those unsuspecting kids think they were coached by Robbie Fowler's cousin.
Mate dared me to go and chat up some lass who was by herself at the bar, but in an Irish accent.
Turns out she's Irish, and asks me where I'm from.
I tell her I'm from Cork.
So is she, and asks me whereabouts.
Now I can't believe I got away with this, but at that time my brother was engaged to the sister of a prominent Irish footballer (who I'd met and was basing the accent on) and had sent my parents a tourist video of his home town, Cork.
I described my flat above a paper shop near a jetty (which I'd remembered from the video) and she was amazed that we had lived just around the corner from each other without ever having met.
I can only imagine that the loud music masked my atrocious accent and allowed me to get away with the fib.