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Jeepers you lot didn't half give the OP a kicking
He did ask"Am I being unreasonable here? It’s definitely driving a wedge between us, as my wife thinks this is normal. So, do most grandparents help out more than this if they live nearby, or are there a lot who are barely involved?"
so he was looking for some perspective not validation he was right
Am I being unreasonable here?
In the past, anyone who asks this question on here, the answer is pretty much always yes, this occasion seems no different.
I have a similar situation to Perchy, my 'mother' is an arse, but my wife's is a gem of a woman, who comes over one day a week to get the wee one from school. Tbh the wee one is old enough now to not need her, but I wouldn't dream of telling her that as they're like best buddies.
She'd come over 7 days a week if I asked, but she's our daughter and our responsibility, not grannies.
Each family is different. I personally wouldn’t be happy either with the arrangement, in my experience grandparents are always excited to take care of grandchildren, then again I wasn’t brought up in the uk.....
MIL (25 minutes drive away) does regular Monday babysitting for youngest and has for a few years. Personally I think we get a tremendous amount of help out of her. My OH thinks she should also turn up on the Tuesdays when Monday is a BH. I disagree. FIL helps out sometimes with the lads, has also helped with many DIY jobs on our house. I think we get a really good deal from them. They've also stepped in at last minute to help out with the lads on a number of ocassions.
My parents are 81 & 83, and live further away (3+ hours drive for them). They turn up a couple of times a year, rent a local cottage, take us for a couple of days out, take us out for some food, and in between give us money to take the kids out or help out with a family holiday. They've frequently offered to rent larger cottages when going on proper holidays, so we can have a "free holiday" and they can see us/grandkids. Personally, I think we get a good deal from them too, it just doesn't include any childcare.
Enjoy what help you do get. It's a bonus.
As a step grandparent, with a mortgage paid off ... and with a job that means I travel the world, this thread is bringing much enjoyment....
Massively unreasonable. If you couldn't be arsed to look after them you shouldn't have had kids. Going out once a week? In the first 8 years we had our three we went out on our own maybe 3 or 4 times a year, and that was weddings/funerals etc.
Not wanting to stick the boot in OP but you have it pretty good.
My folks (separated) live 18,000km back in the UK and the wife's parents are on the South Island so an hour flight plus travel either end. They visit maybe once every 6 weeks but they're in their 70s and have their own life to live.
My Mum back in Wales has 2 foster kid on her own and has my brother's kids 3 times a week and his MIL has them the other days so they can get to work or go to rugby/gigs/weekends away to Europe etc.
I'm massively missing my folks, both from them being able to see my 1 year old grow up but also just having a break and being able to have some time together as a couple. Don't take for granted how lucky you are!
aaaand another thing.
dad works but they are both pretty comfortably off with no mortgage
What on earth has their financial position got to do with anything?
Haven't had any since I was about 3 so bugger all really.
OP - if your parents see you a couple of times each year because of the distance, which is understandable, are they more willing to do things with your kids because they don't see them that often? After a long journey to where you live their time is dedicated to you all, that is the reason they make the trip.
If they saw them regularly, would they behave more like your wife's parents? Maybe they wouldn't do as much all of the time because they too would be doing their own things.
It seems to that the OP is getting a kicking as if he was expecting free childcare.
I think the question was more towards, should he expect his parents to want to be more involved (and thereby do a bit of childcare)?
Jeepers you lot didn’t half give the OP a kicking
Definite elements of mob mentality showing through...
Although I half suspect the OP was a troll...
As a youngish (<50) grandparent we do what we can. We only live 5 minutes away so its easy but of course have our own lives and both work full time. Wife actually works compressed hours to have 1 day every 2 weeks off as a 'nanna day'.
We have the kids overnight when needed (probably once a month) and actually enjoy that but as any grandparent will tell you the best bit is giving them back and having a nap in the peace!
They have been away on holiday for a week and I was away the week before. Looking forward to seeing them on Sunday!
It seems to that the OP is getting a kicking as if he was expecting free childcare.
I think the question was more towards, should he expect his parents to want to be more involved (and thereby do a bit of childcare)?
Read this part of the OP again.
it would just make life a lot easier for both of us if they would have our son (who is four now) overnight occasionally, so we could have a bit of a break, of if we could rely on them when we need a hand.
I think it's down to the grandparents and the relationship they have with you and kids, my wife is so close to her family that we had to move back to Norfolk once she'd qualified as she missed them so much, and she sees them with our daughter every day.
I come from a family where i see joined the army at just shy of my 18th birthday to get away from home, i love my folks but just not very good at being in the same part of the country as them! So i found it really weird at first, but over time they have been so good to us, they have my daughter 4 mornings a week between 7.15 and going to school as we both work full time, and we have offered to make changes but they wouldn't have it any other way.
We worry that we impose on them too much, as they are both nearly 70 and my M-I-L has a very slow form of leukamia, so gets tired easily, but even then my wife drops round with my daughter after school for a coffee for an hour and when my daughter was off sick from school yesterday and i had day off to look after her, my M-I-L called 3 times and wanted to drop round!
They are just that sort of people, their house has a permanently open door policy really, i mention going to tip with garden waste and my F-I-l is there with trailer before i've put the phone down.
My mum currently has 2 out of the 3 kids for half term, we dropped em off down there on Monday and she's bringing them back up (4 hour drive) on Friday, then baby sitting for us while we go out!
I feel like an absolute monster now.
Both she and the kids seem to be enjoying themselves though.
Taught me that I don't like rabbit pie.
Taught me that cheap sausages, cooked in a microwave until grey, can be put in a Breville for a microwaved sausage toastie.
A little swirl of milk in Heinz soup looks posh.
Milky coffee is made in a pan, on the stove.
Tea needs to be brewed. Pot needs to be warmed. Milk needs to be minimal.
At 10 you're old enough to own a Swiss Army Knife (still got it 33 years later!)
Taught me that roast lamb and mint sauce is THE best Sunday dinner.
haha.. grab popcorn, this went sideways.
youngun is almost 2 and is in nursery 5 days a week. (which for the uninitiated comes to about £800 a month after govt. pays 20%) you'll find the (usually) girls there offer baby sitting service on the side. at least one at ours does. (not that we've used it). if you need time, do it.
all grandparents are in early 60s. and live 20 miles away in different directions.
mrs sister often seems to use her mum as a babysitting service. (have 3 kids + older step kids) whereas she drops in to see our lad (only child) about once a week. she would have him IF we asked and she wasn't working. (she works almost full time & there is no granddad on the scene)
my own parents. similar age, retired, no mortgage etc. mums health isn't doing well at all and has low energy levels. mum moans she doesnt seem him enough but when i offer to drop him off for unsupervised days so I can go ride they quickly back track ;D he loves them all, and I facetime at least once a week but take him there every 3 weeks. (mrs gets a day for her, i ride the other week (day for me), and the other weekend is family time where WE do stuff)
both looked after him in a pinch when he had the pox and couldnt go nursery .mrs mum baby sat one time everso we could do an ikea run and has done a few nursery pickups when mrs cant get there from work early enough.
yup you're expecting too much from anyone. once a week would be a dream. especially every weekend so I could go ride like I used to instead of every 3 weeks like now. (my hope is set on indoctrinating the youngun so we go ride every week or so :D)
youngun
I bet he's havin' some fun.
You get way more help than we do, but the bit that puzzles me is why the grandparents (including ours) aren't a bit more interested in their grand children? I'd be pretty keen to be involved myself, especially if reasonably comfortably retired - it's not like it'd be a massive impact on free time. I put it down to them marrying young and maybe enjoying a bit of freedom now, but an evening every few weeks isn't that much to ask.
The wife and I started together with next to nothing and very little help, I'd really not like my boys to have to cope and make the best of things as we had too if it was in my power to help.
MIL and FIL both (retired) both looked after eldest while wife went to work 3 days a week, which was very helpful.
When they indicated that it was getting too much for them, my wife took voluntary redundancy so we didnt impose on them. 6 years later when no 2 came along, they made it clear that they wouldnt be able to help as their own health was suffering. No problem, we can respect that.
Then we found out that the wifes neice had returned to college and that they were looking after her baby whilst she did so 5 days a week, as they couldnt say no to her ( very complicated family history 🙄)
That combined with MIL parking her car in our street when going into town, but not popping in to say hello has meant that the Wife hasnt spoken to them for last 5 years. I take the kids round to see them every now and again . Families eh
Social contracts work both ways, so I guess you can always laugh your bollocks off when your missus asks you to help out when they are senile.
Anyhow, my bros daughter is spending two months in Tibet being looked after by the in laws.
All ya'll fellow white people who complain about doing a bit of baby sitting for three hours a week have it easy.
Lucky, live about 45 mins away from stepdaughter and grandkids, both work 4 days a week so we have time.
We take the 5 year old and the one year old swimming on every other Sunday, when I'm not working. Then Chaddy Park, lunch at the Caff and a play in the park.
The 5yr old comes and stays with us for a week or two in the Summer and we help out when we can.
They're spoilt for Grandparents tbh so no pressure or politics.
Mine all died 20 or so years before I was born, so I'm making the most of it.
It's ace.
Mil and Fil live 30mins driveaway and look after our two one day a week. Fil does a bit of moaning about getting out of bed, but overall they all seem to have fun, in some ways I’m jealous that they get to spend the nice bit of the day with the boys taking them somewhere nice for a picnic etc,... whilst I have to work and do the shitter bits like getting them dressed, breakfast, tea, bath and the usual screaming that goes with each.
My parents live 2 hours away and see them a couple of times a year. My Mother says all the right things on the phone but never follows through with it. It’s a bit sad as I thought she would want to be really involved. Stepgrandfather whilst polite is not interested at all, and I do not have fond memories of his parenting skills, to the level that even if they offered to look after the boys for us I would be uncomfortable if it was for more than a day trip somewhere
What did bother me when we first had them and were in the throws of despair / sleep exhaustation was everyone coming round “to give us a break” which in fact was have a chat, playwith baby and leave more washing up around the house What we really could have done with is some help with some cooking or cleaning or letting us sleep. I’m remembering that feeling if I am every lucky enough to become a grandparent.
but the bit that puzzles me is why the grandparents (including ours) aren’t a bit more interested in their grand children?
It may be that they had problems with their parents when rearing the children. We used to be out on a Sunday at 10am to avoid having my mum's parents watch us eat (the granparents used to eat at midday and then come round ours). It just may be that they want asking before helping to avoid being seen as "interfering".
OP if you get embarrassed about always asking for help then maybe you're asking too much?
My mum & dad went to New Zealand from uk to look after their grand daughter for 6 weeks while in their 70's. Sister in law was recovering from a heart transplant. Brother was laid up at the time with a buggered back. Good for them. Not sure how much thanks they got to be honest. There are also 2 grandparents in nz less than a hour away. They are off again but for holiday with trips this time.
Checking the small print us always a good idea.... In it somewhere it will state that having children involves many sacrifices in the part of parents.
From personal experience I'd say that you should be glad that:
A) the grandparents are still alive
B) you didn't have twins or triplets!
As a grandparent 4hr by train and underground from our granddaughter we run an emergency service. If she is unwell and can't go to nursery I go down to look after her when the parents can't take anymore time off work.
We also twice a year or so look after her so they can have a break.
Looking back I think it was at least 10 yrs after our children were born that we had a holiday without them.
For nights out that was what baby sitting circles were for.
I think the record from a call for help while at at Llandegla to London was 5hrs!
Regards Andrew