[Closed] Grandparents - what do they do for you?

Suck it up, they have their own lives to get on with and are not your personal babysitting service to use as and when it pleases you. They owe you nothing.

Remember seeing the comedian Lucy Porter( I think) say that her biological clock was ticking and that it was time that she had children...while her parents were still young enough to look after them 🙂

All parents are different.

My MIL who lives  5 mins walk away, takes the kids (and the dog) before and after school 3 days a week to allow my wife to work, sees them most weekends, spends most of our holidays and all the birthdays, Christmas etc with us. We've phoned her in the middle of the night to look after the kids in an emergency. We couldn't carry on our current lifestyle without her input. We don't expect or ask her to do any of this. She wants to. That's just the way she is.

My parents, who live 15 mins walk away, just don't give a shit about anyone other than themselves. They don't see the kids from one year to the next unless I take the kids to visit them. They forget birthdays without so much as a card. My kids probably wouldn't be able to pick them out of an ID parade. My Dad has never been in my house in the 22 years i've lived there because I won't let him smoke in the house. It's not because we've had some kind of fall out or anything. That's just the way they are.

Your lot don't sound too bad if i'm honest.

Am I being unreasonable here?

imo, a bit yes.

It's a fine line. I have seen plenty of my friends royally take the piss. Similarly families should pull together when needed. The grey in this is what does 'when needed' mean. Long and the short of it is you and your wife elected to become parents with all that that this involves. They did not elect to become grandparents or sign up to be on tap 24/7. If help is forthcoming (and you want it), happy days. If it is not you have not right to ask for it or make those around you feel bad because of this.

edit - as an aside, with the vet visits and other semi emergencies do you offer to take your son there or is it always a request that they do the shlepping? What you appear to want and feel entitled to is a free baby sitting serve - so much less hassle if they can perform that whilst getting on with their lives rather than just downing tools at your convenience. Also do you give options or take into account their pastimes and other commitments when you ask or is it always thinking about your priorities and timescales first and foremost?

You wife's parents sound great. You're being unreasonable. Stop arguing with your wife about it.

Up to them, really. If they want to help and you're happy to have the help all's good. If they don't want to or you don't want them to, then they shouldn't.

Although I'd think it's a shame for the kids not to have as much time as possible with their grandparents, how much is "possible" depends on how much they want it and it's much better for kids to be with someone who's enjoying the time with them than doing it grudgingly.

I do see the side you're putting up as you just want them for a babysitting service.

I've six grandchildren and I take them out all the time, look after them over weekends and try and spend time with them that their parents can't do as they're so busy working., but the other grandparents spend very little time with them.

They don't begrudge it, I and the kids and their partners don't begrudge it, we just try and do the best we can.

Am I being unreasonable here?

Yes

It was made quite clear, before our first was born, that the grand parents to be felt they were too old to keep up with young children (having had three and four of their own respectively they were in the best place to judge). Entirely reasonable as they both brought up their respective children without much, if any, in the way of parental help. They help out when they can/we are absolutely stuck for which I am very grateful but I wouldn’t expect them to do any more.

Personally I’d be more than happy with the current arrangement you describe.

Could be the other way around, when both sets of Grandparents think they have a god given right to do pretty much what they want despite any feet they happen to trod on in the process.....

Just saying.....

So her parents work and no doubt have their own social lives ( maybe other grand children too) and babysit once a week for you (at a push). Why would you not give them notice if you need their help? Why should they put things on hold in their lives so you can do things. Why are your needs more important than theirs?  Just because they live closer than your parents? They are at the stage in life where they should be winding down, enjoying life. It sounds like they do help but not how you think they should. Your kids are your responsability, not theirs.

Have you considered killing them, cashing in their life insurance policies and selling their house, all to pay for a full time nanny to look after your kids?

Sounds to me like they've as good as asked for it the selfish, inconsiderate sods. It'd only be fair.

You could sit outside on the patio they're buried underneath, sipping white wine, smoking Gitanes and reading poetry, giving the little blighters the odd approving wink through the window as you tell them to keep the noise down

Your kids are your responsability, not theirs.

This (apart from the spelling, obs 🙂 ) We never imagined that grandparents would babysit as often as once a week. I think they did so maybe half a dozen times in all from cradle to graduation.

I'd say you were being a bit unreasonable. Happy to excuse your parents and not hers. A couple of times a year from yours, even though they live 200 miles away, is still quite stingy. Once a week from hers doesn't sound too bad. All IMO, of course

Am I being unreasonable here?

Massively unreasonable.

You decided to have children and you should have known that your life would change in terms of having your own child to look after and what does to your social life and relationship. Grandparents shouldn't be seen a babysitting service - they have their own lives which they can enjoy without having children and probably have more money than when they had children.

Both of my child's grandparents are a stones throw away from us but I can count on one hand the amount of times they have babysat - if they don't offer we don't ask.

I’d agree with the majority here. You shouldn’t expect anything from anyone when it comes to your kids. I’m really lucky in that Mrs F’s parents are great and love spending time with our kids.

As usual, binners has the best solution....

We've loved being grandparents for nearly a year so far, but if any of our kids expected us to "babysit at least once a week at a push" they'd soon find themselves without us to call on at all & in answer to your question yes you are being unreasonable.

My MIL is amazing - she'll have the kids at the drop of a hat, takes them to/picks them up from school twice a week and generally helps us out whenever we need it (she does the same for my BIL too - she likes being busy!). My mum and dad are well in to their 80's so do what they can, when they can. Both enjoy spending time with the kids, with or without us being around. We are very grateful for the help we get and appreciate that this is not necessarily the norm.

However, if they don't/can't/won't help out then that's their decision and we'd just deal with it, they're our kids after all. Not worth falling out with anyone about it!

MIL lives around the corner she has helped massively with childcare over the years, paid for breaks away and generally will help out wish such things as picking us up pissed from the train station. My parents live a few miles away so childcare is trickier but they help out where they can, pay for a holiday very couple of years for all the grandkids and are there if needed.

MIL still drives me mad at times but more so my wife who the MIL forgets has a life of her own.

My parent's and MiL help out to the best of their means. They're getting older but they do what they can and seem to enjoy it. Neither of them had much help when their kids were small but are in better health than their parent's so want to help.

I guess they also have quite a strong family ethos. The other aspect being I guess there's an implicit understanding we'll do what we can for them when they need it.

You're being massively unreasonable!

My MIL has mini-njee20 (who's 2.5) one day a week, which is amazing. Consequently we rarely call on them for other babysitting duties, as I think that's a big ask as it is. I would never phone at a moment's notice and ask them to babysit unless it was a true emergency (and even then I'd probably ask other people first), and whilst it would be lovely to have someone take him overnight occasionally so we could have a lie in, he's our son.

My mum is a bit further away, but always offers to help out, and has babysat several times of an evening. I would still never want to just call on her though, just because they're older and have no mortgage why do you expect them not to have plans and thus to need a bit of notice...?

My parents brought me into the world and looked after me until I was an adult. I didn't expect any more from them, although they were always happy to see me. My mum did help look after my brother's kids, but he had 4 in 3 years and worked at sea, so his wife needed the help. Other than that, we siblings assumed they had their own life to lead, having taken 25 years out to raise us.

Am I being unreasonable here?

Yes. Massively so, they'll babysit once a week and your crying about it on the internet.....

Get a life you self entitled [Edit: sorry probably a bit strong], they're your kids.....

If you want kids then accept that if is up to you to look after them and you will have to rearrange your life to accommodate them.

It is the height of selfishness to expect your parents to change their way of life to look after your offspring.

Your parents have done their bit by raising you. If you can't cope with kids and their demands then keep your pants zipped up.

Suck it up, they have their own lives to get on with and are not your personal babysitting service to use as and when it pleases you. They owe you nothing.

I'm on this side of the fence, and that I see it as my shared duty with my wife to look after our immediate family.  However, my MIL is very helpful and I'm very thankful for the help she provides when my wife asks.

At a push they will babysit once a week maxim

That's a **** load of babysitting - whats the problem again?

I’m 80m away albeit very accessible by public transport.

So 2-3 hours door to door? Don't blame her for not taking advantage of that

EDIT: big post chop there Kryton

At a push they will babysit once a week maxim, for a few hours, but we have to give them at last three days notice

No kids here, but that sounds very fair and reasonable to me. My parents will jump through hoops for my niece, but even they need a day or 2's notice to move stuff and they're both fully retired.

And I'd echo what has already been said, you had kids, it's your role to organsise your life to deal with them.

My mil and fil never lifted a finger for my boys and my mum stopped paying them any attention just before the youngest turned 5yo
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.
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most likely because they were dead so I can't really fault them 😢

I’m with binners on this.
We live 300odd mile away from 75% of the grandparents.(25%dead)
The in laws think that all their gifts should have a large footprint,hence a cluttered house & when my my mother visits,she encourages missus j to drink 🍷 even more than normal!

If you can tune up the violin, try having young kids and parents who live 250 miles away and are both fading fast with one in a care home.

OP you are VERY lucky.

Be careful what you wish for! My MiL has all but moved into the bloody house - literally never a day she's not there plus trying (sometimes successfully) to invite herself on all holidays.
She does a lot for us with the kids, that there's no doubt and it allows us both to pursue a career we want, but bloody hell can it be annoying!

None of my grandparents do a thing for me. They're all dead mind so I suppose I'll let them off.

Am I being unreasonable here

I think you are a bit.

You get help already. They see the kids weekly. They babysit weekly. That's great.

You are responsible for your kids, not them.

As for the wanting them to help out at little notice, that's one I think is thier choice. They've a busy life, and don't want to be tied to your phonecall.

My in laws and father are 300 miles away. We've never expected anything of them, even when we were 30 miles away. They do come and see the kids, but it's about them having relationship with grandkids, not about how much they can do to make my life easier.

Tricky one. In law's used to travel up (400 mile round trip) every 6 weeks or so to have them for a 2-3 days in the school holidays, while my parents with a 50 mile round trip hardly bothered. Admittedly my wife and mum despise each other.

The in laws are now too frail to do it, but we really appreciate that they did what they could. My parents now live in the village, and the kids go there for tea every Tuesday, which I think benefits everyone, some of the political discussions I walk in on between teenagers and 80 year olds are enlightening!

My mother in law lives 150 miles away in North Wales and visits us regularly, maybe once every 8 weeks or so. She is great. Always pays for a takeaway and a couple of bottles of wine when she is here and often encourages us to go out for an evening while she looks after the children. She never forgets birthdays and always knows what the children are up to takes an interest in what they are doing.

My parents on the other hand are useless. They live about 90 miles away but rarely visit. On the odd occasion they do it will only be for a few hours. They have no idea when my children's birthdays are or what they are doing and don't appear to have any interest in them. When we go to visit them in West Wales there is never any extra food in the house and we are expected to do a shop if we want anything, there has never been an offer to look after the children and there is never any real interaction.

You've got it good, rambler. Don't knock it.

You actually sound like a bit of a knob.
They are elderly, still working and help you out with babysitting once a week. Despite that you complain about them not doing more and not being available at the drop off a hat to work around your life.

You have one kid and helpful in laws and helpful parents.
Take a look at yourself.

Can't really add anything to what's already been said regarding reasonableness, suck it up.
But can you and the wife get some time off and visit your parents with the intention of getting a bit of time to yourselves away? Let them watch the nipper for the weekend?
Is the source of the argument really how much the in-laws are prepared to do or is it something else? Fwiw me and the wife realised early on that we needed to try to accommodate the other regarding doing or own stuff as well as making time for us too and balancing family time.

Another perspective - a friend's offspring is unable to get divorced as the both working parents depend on my friend for regular daytime and school holiday childcare.

You sound like the sort of ungrateful arse that joins a forum only to complain about something despite having no previous posting history and then leaves again when they don't like the answer.

Who’s kids are they......?

I'm desperately rereading your post multiple times to find the bit where the grandparents were involved with the decision to have and conception of the children.

Because, you know, if they weren't, you'd have to be a right arse to expect that they owe you anything.

My parents live 160 miles away, dad has a dodgy heart, mum a dodgy foot so can't drive much. Any time they come to stay and look after our son I'm grateful, but I certainly don't expect it. In laws are 15 miles away and see him every couple of weeks. Fine by me. We elected to have him. They have no obligation.

The expectation that grandparents are a babysitting/support service that many people seem to have is frankly baffling to me. I think it's thoroughly unfair to impose that on someone who has their own life to live, is probably of advancing years, and likely is teaching the stage in their life where they can enjoy a bit of time off. I'm sure most grandparents love looking after grandchildren most of the time, but I'd also be surprised if they all loved it 100% of the time, and felt like they could say 'no'...

Leave the guy alone. He's a millennial so he's been brought up under the Blair/Brown philosophy that he can have anything he wants. All he has to do is shout loud enough and he will be given it.

It doesn't matter that it's his responsibility: we are all equal and entitled to what we want, when we want it.

What you need is an auntie.
I looked after my nephew loads when he was little, Whole weekends sometimes. School runs once or twice, quite a bit of babysitting and lots of days out and sleepovers. Always at least one day a week we had him for the whole day.

What you need is an auntie.

Would you be able to take three teenagers this weekend?

OP don't take it to heart, you did ask !

FWIW I think you are doing quite well really. Lifes a bit shit sometimes and support can be taken for granted. Make the most of what you have and save some pennies and get a babysitter for a night a month, take your Mrs for a walk or a drink or something and enjoy life.

New user with no posting history.....maybe existing user hiding identity.....

I'm going with this being the ol' switcheroo - a grandparent checking out what others think of their offspring's expectations.

Or is this about Brexit......we haven't had one of those threads for a while. Anyone remember the Israel/ Gaza strip garden allotment thread?

What you need is an auntie.

Would you be able to take three teenagers this weekend?

Can I add a baby and a five year old? I’d love to go out for a meal and to the cinema.

Questions of poster authenticity aside, is there a term for these instances where the OP seeks validation over a complaint of some sort, but instead gets absolutely ploughed?

Grievance Bukake?

In this instance, I feel we ought to resist the urge to bury the OP in derision. With a 4-year-old at home, there's every possibility that he's terminally sleep-deprived, which is basically the same as trying to function with a brain injury.

Yes you are being unreasonable to be fair. In fact suck it up you only have one kid. Why have a kid and a dog if your gonna whinge about grandparents not babysitting enough!? Employ a nanny or pay a babysitter if you need to.
Your wife is right.
Enjoy the time with your kid now as when he is a teenager he will do his own stuff by then.

You are lucky you've had any help. Both our parents live local. My mum and dad not interested, and my wife's parents too old/ill for toddlers. We didn't get out much at all, only now mine are 18/16, have we been getting out for last couple of years.

My Grandad reminds me regularly every single day to be the vest i can be.

And i miss him every single day too...

My parents are amazing for looking after my nephews.

I think i'm missing the window myself though.

My Grandad reminds me regularly every single day to be the vest i can be.

Is that why you’re hanging out on Singlet Rack World?

Boom!!!

Oh bravo!

My grandparents did not teach me proof reading.

Gits.

Well, that’s been interesting so far - sorry, was out at work - I maybe didn’t explain myself well in the first post. A large part of the frustration is that the boy loves them dearly, and loves going there - so I find myself constantly trying to one up with read why we can’t go over there when he asks. You know:

Me: “what would you like to do today?”
Him: “Can we go to nanny and grandads?”
Me: “erm...”

Just remember this.
If your parents bring up your children they will turn out the same as you (to a point)

that can't be good? Can it?

My parents sorted this by both dying within a year of my firsts birth.
My wife tried to beat this with her mum dying 10 years earlier.
Her Dad doesn't acknowledge any of his grandchildren

not much sympathy here!

I think the op is just a sh1t stirrer tbh

I'm pleased I'm not the only one who thinks the OP is expecting too much. We very rarely look after Mrs Egf's granddaughter (not mine, nowt to do with me) cos basically we can't be arsed & as I've said before, if my lad has kids I'll be doing absolutely no babysitting at all! I'm too busy enjoying myself for all that crap.
( I wouldn't get a look in anyway, his MIL is more than desperate to be a grandparent, which means more time & money for me & Mrs Egf. 🙂 )

My in laws and parents are brilliant with the kids doing school runs 3 days a week between them, but I wouldn't dream of asking them to baby sit once a week. They have their own lives.

We probably have them sit 4 or 5 times a year.

Expectations on both sides vary massively. I’ve known grandparents that are practically running a full-time childcare service between multiple grandchildren while the parents work. For lower earners paid childcare can be unaffordable, and some grandparents would rather step in than see them sent off to nursery or childminders.

Mine are 30 miles away, they do the odd evening babysitting (every other month or so), but I don’t like to ask too much. They’re busy in their retirements, have a dog and need enough notice. We use paid babysitters usually. They’re having both kids overnight for the first time next month so we can go to a wedding. Once eldest starts school later in the year we’ll have a lot of school holiday to cover and I’ll probably be asking them to help a bit with that.

In-laws are on the other side of the world so no help!

Weekly free babysitting sounds like a good deal to me tbh.

Issue you had argument with wife. Green eyed minster jealously of grandparents time and interests. When you become a parent you are the parent. As a grandad of 2 y, it is fun. We will have her often, and will inform daughter if she freeloads onto us. Problem is often of new parents adjusting to be responsible.
Grandparents can be wise, can be nice. But sometimes you have to but out, to let your kids to grow into parents, rather than suffocate them. Or be seen as slaves. We take longer to recover. Not everyone copes with young kids.
Overall, never compare families. Disaster looming

Unreasonable yup, little couch is 6 and we’ve never had a night away from her as no one to have her, wife’s parents both dead, my dad too old but my mum does a bit, will babysit once every couple of months and do a school pick up once a fortnight or month, also has her one day in half term if asked but she does find it hard at 70. Dunno why you’d need a babysitter once a week if times are hard, can’t be for going out. We both work part time as it’s the only way both of us can work and sort the child care without paying for it. I guess it’s a case of suck it up.

Do you also complain about them spending your inheritance?

Wow, they only babysit once a week?

How do you cope?

I remember overhearing a conversation between two grandmothers on the school run

Granny 1: I pick them up from school every day, give them their tea and then they get picked up about 6.

Granny 2: I'm only here as the childminder is ill today. I'm a granny, not a childminder, the roles are very different.

I wasn't sure whether she was being mean or profoundly wise.

I think it's very hard to get the balance right with grandparents but probably important to have a conversation with them about what involvement they really want. I still don't think we've got it right with my parents yet after 6 yrs.

On the one hand they really want to be involved, and insist on school pickup once a week as they think it helps and means they get to see him. On the other, they go on holiday about 20wks a year at short notice leaving us struggling to make alternative arrangements, but get offended if we don't find time to see them when they are in the country.

There's also the fact that they don't always agree with how we choose to raise our son-they can't comprehend the world has moved on from how they did things, along with the jealousy of other grandparents spending time with him.

I'm honestly grateful for the support they give us, but I'd be lying if I said my life wouldn't be easier if they were 200 miles away.

It sounds like the OP is a bit annoyed they do not want to more involved rather than the amount of time they give (which i think is reasonable).

It is odd they way some families just don't bother with each other apart from weddings, xmas etc. I guess if you don't really have much in common, apart from being related then why would you bother?

What plans are you making to be able to look after any/all of your kid's grandparents when they become too infirm to look after themselves?

They/it are not their kids and subsequently not their responsibility. Think yourself lucky you still have your parents around, not babysitters!

Mine do literally nothing, but I'm sure that's only because they're all too dead.

The oP should consider hisself lucky he’s actually got grandparents, all mine were dead before I even got into my teens.

I would love to be in the position of the op. My mum has severe MS (final stage so movement wise sadly can only move her head) and my dad has a host of issues. He is her full time carer too, they both wish they were in a better position to help me out. Lyanda's side of the family are all near London, a bit far from Carmarthen to help. I am now literally on my own with 4 kids.

I can count on one hand how many nights off I have had over the past 18 years or so because of having children. Only now am I having any time off from kids, that is only during school times because the youngest has started school full time. Youngest has just turned 4 so a fair while to go before evenings are a reality too.

I'm not after sympathy, the children were our choice to have. I never thought this is the way our lives would be, but still have to do the everyday things regardless. If anyone wants some kids anytime please let me know. They are good for reminding you how peaceful your time is, and also good as a contraceptive.

sarawak

Member
Leave the guy alone. He’s a millennial so he’s been brought up under the Blair/Brown philosophy that he can have anything he wants. All he has to do is shout loud enough and he will be given it.

It doesn’t matter that it’s his responsibility: we are all equal and entitled to what we want, when we want it.

Bore off. I'm a millenial as is my wife. Does that make me self entitled?

Anyways;
My parents: Dad lives in UAE and forgets my kids birthdays, never asks after them. Not great. Lame Dad anyway (or just me being an ungrateful millenial)
Mother lives 30 mins away. Has had our eldest once overnight in 5 years. Never looked after my two year old ever. Works part time. Her and my stepdad have a fab social life and in their words; "it's your choice to have kids" I don't expect anything from them. Hurts more than anything, my kids aren't interested in them and won't seek comfort or attention from them when they are present. The bond isn't there, they don't need them. They never want to do anything as a family such as a day out together, they just live their own lives. Their loss.

In laws. They live 70 miles away. Both our kids are there tonight as I'm at work on nights and the wife is working tomorrow. It's half term so child care costs are next level so they offered to help. My kids love them, the my engage with them and never switch the TV on. The don't do it weekly, maybe once every few months as it's such a distance for all parties. But hey, they are there if needed if it's work/childcare related.

But yeah, haven't had a meal out, cinema etc since early last year. Don't get on my bike anywhere near as much as I'd like. But then we've learnt to socialise with kids present. Choices you make.

Do get the odd tinge of jealously from friends who have doting/put on parents. My mate moaned that he was tired of his kids. Him and his wife are divorced. Both have 50/50 of the kids. Both send the kids to their parents at the earliest opportunity. Both have awesome social lives. The kids get naff all quality parent time.
Other friends work full time and have no child care bill because the parents do all the child care. They then wonder why you can't afford to eat out again.

So I would like more free childcare at nice times like the weekend, who wouldn't? I may get a decent bike ride in. But I'd never ask and I know it's something that shouldn't be expected despite being 35 and millenial.

Yes, I think you're being unreasonable although it must cut a bit when one set of grandparents do more than the other.

https://www.someecards.com/life/news/millennial-parents-meal-train-nextdoor/

As a side note in my experience the mothers mother is always more involved than the father's mother. Nature innit.

what is more important, your relationship with your wife or the behaviour of her parents?
Ultimately they will miss out on forming relations ships with your kids.

I spent a lot of my early childhood living with my grandparents as apparently my mum couldn't cope with two kids in the house... I enjoyed it though.

I don't have kids myself but your MIL's grandparents seem to be quite generous with their time OP, I certainly wouldn't want to be looking after young kids on a regular basis once at retirement age.