[Closed] Giving emotional advice yet being emotionless.

Hmmmm. Difficult, but it sounds like she needs some support, someone to talk to and perhaps even a shoulder to cry on.

It's a difficult one, but would it be really that bad (not knowing the full history of the situation) to be there for her?

I doubt you'll need to say much. "How are you?" will probably be followed up with your mum venting for a while with just the occasional word or two from you.

It might be difficult for you but it's right now it's probably worse for her and regardless of how you've got on in the past this might be a good time to be the bigger man. From a purely selfish point of view I now I would feel better about myself for making the call.

Yes it would. I know it sounds harsh but that whole part of my family makes no effort with us - no invite to brothers recent wedding, or his 40th, my 3yo doesn't recognise her grandad etc.

I know now is not the time to bring all that up, but neither do I want to give the false impression either that I feel particularly overwhlemed by a person I have very little relationship with.

Hard to explain, maybe "estranged" is a catch-all word to sum up the relationship.

One day they won't be there and you may look back and think, "What if I had made that call".

I always find that it's best to make enough effort that you can look back and say, "I did my bit". Keep yourself far enough away so as not to be taken advantage of, but try and help out where possible.

try texting back? You get space to craft what you want to say without getting dragged into old/irrelevant issues in a phone conversation?

I entirely understand how you feel, but putting my emotionless hat on, the right thing to do (IMO) is to support your mum.

EDIT Although I'll qualify that by adding that I wouldn't think you were 'wrong' if you didn't.

I always find that it's best to make enough effort that you can look back and say, "I did my bit". Keep yourself far enough away so as not to be taken advantage of, but try and help out where possible.

My wife's view exactly. Dammit, she's always right.

Make sure whatever decisions you make , they're the ones you'll be able to live with in the future...sounds simple enough but not necessarily how we make decisions normally - especially regarding emotional one

Edit: which is probably be supportive to your mum etc.

I know the feeling -
if you're emotionless about it think about it on a purely human levels that an old woman is worried & upset about her husband who's in hospital.
Can you spare a bit of time to talk to her?

Its a difficult situation that only you can work out really.

One thing to consider is that when family are taken, it can be more difficult for those left if there is unfinished business.

My father died when I was in my 20's it probably affected my younger sister most, because she felt there was bad blood between them.

I guess you have a chance now to engage at whatever level you feel comfortable - I would urge you to take the chance!

(I am not a psychologist!)

I didn't speak to my dad for 8 years after finally giving up on our relationship. However my brother is still in touch with him, but suffers with significant mental health issues. He called me one day as our dad was unwell and he didn't know what to do.

I made the call to my dad, and then to his gp. It helped my brother immensely to not have to deal with the situation on his own - did I suddenly feel a change in heart towards my dad or some long list reunion?? No but I did what was needed for them both. I have now started having the odd call to check he's ok.

I had got to the point in my mind before that if my dad 'went' and we'd had no reconciliation I was OK with that - and I probably still am as there hasn't really been any change. I guess when it comes down to it I don't want my brother to deal with it alone.

Nothing wrong with standing up for a bit of family duty even if you heart isn't in it - is there?

Forget she's your mum. Another human being has asked for some help. How much would it "cost" you to offer some?

Do the thing that you won't regret.

We have friends that cut off contact with thier family after a petty squabble years ago.
Some of the fallout is heart breaking.

Of course I have the time, its not about time or cost. But why come to me with this when we don't talk and given past issue, when my brother whom they have a wonderful relationship could do the duty?

Why put the emotional burden on me?

I'll call, see what happens.

What scotroutes said. If you were sat in a hospital waiting room and an old lady needed an arm round her shoulders or a cup of coffee and a chat, I'd hope you'd give it.

What scotroutes said. If you were sat in a hospital waiting room and an old lady needed an arm round her shoulders or a cup of coffee and a chat, I'd hope you'd give it.

You won't perhaps understand or empathise with this, and same will call me a ****, but a life time of defensive walls probably means i wouldn't expose myself to it.

I do other things - open doors, help with bags, seen old ladies across the road and am generally described as polite and helpful, but emotional stuff, no.

Life is too short, I say bury the hatchet and be the bigger man.

Above advice comes from somebody who didn't always have the best relationship with a parent who is no longer around.

fasthaggis - Member

Do the thing that you won't regret.

This. There may come a day, many years from now, that you really wish you'd done it differently. And the odds are you'd be more likely to regret *not* having the talk than you would to regret having it.

I have to agree with the people here Kryton. I had a big falling out with my dad (several years worth) when I was in my late teen, early 20s and it was only when I was working in Germany that we actually started talking again.

He died of cancer a couple of years ago now and, despite a lot of talking and air clearing between us, I still see the time I was not talking to him as time I could have spent with my dad. He didn't blame me for it, but I do.

For the sake of 20 minutes making listening noises on the phone, call.

As others have said - your Mum is currently a scared elderly lady who probably just needs to talk.
Call her - if the conversation starts going awry, you can always make your excuses and finish the call quickly.

(My family is pretty dysfunctional - so I speak from experiences)

When the serious stuff hits the rotating object, perhaps your mother thinks you are a more reliable and less emotional support than your brother?

My family is half the size it was in January. Make the call.

Call or txt your mom dude.. i am emotionless geezer myself

Don't be dumb
Call your mum

I dont have any contact with my dad
If i got that call i would ignore it
I made my decision about zero contact and I will live with it

One day he will die. I still wont have any respect for him when he does and I wont be turning to make amends

I am sure you all many of you think this is harsh
You lucky bastards got good parents where as i got one and total ****

I'd give anything to be able to speak to my parents again, just to tell them how much I love them.

Good luck Kryton.

Make the call as people do change albeit after a prolonged period. You will never know if you dont call.

Is the problem with your brother being selfish or your parents for doting on him rather than on you? As a parent you try to be equal but no matter what there is a touch of favouritism. I would bet a house that your brother is the younger one!

I'd give anything to be able to speak to my parents again, just to tell them how much I love them.

Your very lucky, and I've spent my whole time in parenthood making sure my children have your kind of relationship with us which to date they do

I would bet a house that your brother is the younger one!

Anyway, I made the call, he's recovered a bit and Mums happier becuase guess what my brothers gone round to visit. Although the call is done and was probably a bit redundant as it became more of a catch up. I didn't raise any issues just listened. FWIW thanks for the advice, the "scared old lady" stuff hit the mark, I'm not a total freak I guess.