[Closed] Girlfriend Problems

I wasn't saying that anyone should try to 'match a statistic' (hell, I break most 'norms and averages' in life 😉 ), but rather to show that there is a really wide range of frequency.

Similarly, I wasn't 'defending the woman', but rather saying it is an issue for BOTH to address.

Overall, it is a question of difference, rather than either person being 'right' or 'wrong'. Whether or not the OP can accomodate that difference within his relationship, or whether to attempt to resolve it through counselling, is probably something only he can answer (with no blame on either side)

Yep Solo, read the thread, so he's gone a few weeks without sex, and?

really, so what?

it's not like your going to die is it?

Yes. From exploding testicles. And after a few weeks there's no telling how far and wide the fallout will be...

Facts are, some girls just don't want it. Works both ways too, I know girls in the same situation as you.

The more you pester her for it, the less she'll want it. And do you really want to have sex with someone who is only doing it to placate you? I couldn't imagine anything worse.....

The cause could be anything - chemical imbalance, you don't do it for her, painful, she's having an affair....

To me, 'hot lovin' is important and its something that would make me question a relationship. If she's not willing to talk to you about it then the emphasis [b]is[/b] on her. If she said 'I don't fancy you and I just don't want it' or 'I wasn't held enough as a child' or whatever her reasoning then at least you have an understanding as to why. You can then make an informed decision.

As it stands, she's not willing to discuss it with you and its affecting how you feel about yourself and your happiness. Life's too short for that.....

OP - are you in love with your girlfriend?

Similarly, I wasn't 'defending the woman', but rather saying it is an issue for BOTH to address.

To have needs that weren't EVER met ?

It's not really a [i]need[/i] tough is it, it's a [i]want[/i]. And the OP has to decide if his [i]want[/i] of having sex more often is greater than his [i]want[/i] to be with this girl.

All relationships contain a certain amount of compromise.

Woody - Member

"Similarly, I wasn't 'defending the woman', but rather saying it is an issue for BOTH to address."

The problem is that the OP seems to be the only one willing to address the problem and it is his girlfriend who is refusing to acknowledge that there is anything wrong. Empathy needs to work both ways.

I was reading the OP as believing the problem is all the womans fault when it may well not be. Indeed the pressure he is putting her under is counterproductive.

OP - are your sessions good when they happen? Or do they only happen if she's consumed just the right amount of alcohol to conquer her inhibitions or whatever else is underlying?

I was reading the OP as believing the problem is all the womans fault when it may well not be. Indeed the pressure he is putting her under is counterproductive.

Quite.

Get her pregnant, and then when baby is born sex will be the last thing on your mind for a few years 🙁

molgrips - it's not necessarily as easy as you say, so your point does not stands IME.

I didn't see the OP as pressurising her, he's just expressing his needs - and for him it appears they are needs, rather than wants.

Decent troll: 6/10 for effort.

A option to take the pressure off her.

Non penetrative sex for a while - tell her that you are not expecting penetrative sex but still want kisses and cuddles - take the pressure away.

She sounds really lovely, BTW, and sex IS important, but it's not worth junking a relationship over, is it?

tbh - I'm stunned it got to 2 years long, sack her off quick sharpish.

I like the way that the fact she's not interested in sex seems to be a problem that requires some form of treatment in most peoples eyes 🙄

It seems that that these days it's OK that you want to have sex with people of the opposite sex, or that you want to have sex with people who are the same sex, but there must be something wrong with you if you don't want to have sex with anyone.

Well most people want sex, and therefore those that don't are in the minority...

i've never had the greatest sex drive. I think this is due to having a thoroughly devout first girlfriend from 17-19. I had to be like a saint due to fear of her dad and his crazy shotguns. May be that she has had something similar prior to you coming onto the scene.

I posted about a similar problem in the spring last year. The difference being that I am married to the person who has sex with me every 13 weeks, and have two lovely kids.

So assuming your GF does not have major issues with depression/uncertainty about her own sexual identity/ past abuse and that you are not a smelly tactless numpty and that she genuinely has decided she is happy with the amount of sex she is allowing, then I'd run away fast. Or you will be in my shoes.

Some women genuinely just do not want sex that much, and they need to be with a bloke whose drive is similar, not you. Just looking at the women's posts on this thread should show you the range of what is normal.

Sex isn't just about squelching and coming, it is about communication, intimacy and openness and sharing. Some couples don't shag much, some don't talk much, some don't hug much, but if there is an asymmetry in what you want it is doomed.

I always liked sex, and had a reasonable amount pre meeting my wife, sex then tailed off fairly rapidly, and was in little bursts of activity every few months, but I loved her and our life and we got married despite this being an issue.

20 years down the road, feeling well-fed but unloved I finally stopped turning down opportunities and rediscovered that many women want sex just as much, or more than many men. I'm in my second affair at the moment and had more sex in the last year that in the previous 20 years. And it helps communicate, and we talk more openly and it just shows me how empty of an important aspect of my life the last 20 years have been. And my current GF would like to do things that I wouldn't. I am the prude, the limiting factor. And she is not a slapper, just a normal healthy woman.

And I will be leaving my wife, and I don't really know if I will end up living on my own or what. But whilst I have enjoyed much of the last 20 years, and would not be without my kids, I really really wish I had realised what an issue infrequent sex, and what it meant about our relationship, was going to be, and sought someone else.

Well most people want sex, and therefore those that don't are in the minority...

... and therefore being in a minority means there's something wrong with you?

Flaming pitchforks, buckets of drugs and intensive CBT sessions at the ready then?

I'd love to work on this, to talk it through but it seems for her there's no compromise. Despite me telling her how important it is for me, she's not been willing to try to change anything, not willing to try anything new and the more we talk about this the more she shuts down. Communication would be the key but I've tried countless times and it's clear she does not want to talk about it.

I'm getting fed up of feeling rejected. My previously high confidence is starting to take a knock big time. I feel like less of a man now than when we first met. As a result of all the frustration I'm becoming irritable, snappy and moody when around her – which doesn't help the situation one bit.

I'm not saying that, but it's not like she said at the start "BTW I'm not really into sex, once every quarter if I must" (AFAWK).

And I'm no expert but:

Some women genuinely just do not want sex that much

I'd bet the majority of them have issues they don't want to deal with.

but it's not worth junking a relationship over, is it?

My brother met a girl and fell in love. She said 'no sex til we get a flat together'.

They got a flat together.

Then she said 'no sex till we get engaged'.

They got engaged.

She then said 'no sex until we are married'.

They got married.

Then she told him she had no inclination to have sex, that it had been so long she was no longer interested and that he could expect never to have sex.

So he sh@gged her best mate who was also his bosses wife.

😀

Still - he saw the error of his ways and mercifully left her, remarried and now has two beautiful teenage daughters.

[i]Yep Solo, read the thread, so he's gone a few weeks without sex, and?

really, so what?

it's not like your going to die is it?
[/i]

🙄
I wrote you a response then realized its not worth it.
You just need more time.
Perhaps go back and re-read the OP.

[i]Overall, it is a question of difference, rather than either person being 'right' or 'wrong'[/i]
Correct, I agree.
Its seeing the difference, then each party deciding what, if anything, they can or want to do about whatever issue a couple may face.
Spot on !.
🙂

[i]The more you pester her for it, the less she'll want it. And do you really want to have sex with someone who is only doing it to placate you? I couldn't imagine anything worse.....[/i]
For that very reason I'd never suggest or practice [i]pestering[/i] someone for [i]IT[/i]

Either it happens for the right reasons, with both parties genuinely wanting to, or in my book, it doesn't happen.

But thats no reason to suffer for the rest of my life.

People, we are told, are free to seek their happiness.
For the OP, this may be more hanky-panky.
For the GF, it may be less.

All that remains is for both to find a match.

The one major caveat being...You can't give what you don't have.
If the OP can't get along with less sex than they feel they need.
Then theres an issue.
If the GF can't be intimate more often, then again, it is an issue, without putting blame on either party !.
imo.

[i]Indeed the pressure he is putting her under is counterproductive[/i]

Telling your partner you have an issue which involves them.
[b]Isn't putting pressure on them.[/b]

Its called being part of a couple.
One persons problem is a problem for both.
Its a partnership.

I'm starting to get a whif of Troll from TJ's direction.

My brother met a girl and fell in love. She said 'no sex til we get a flat together'.

They got a flat together.

Then she said 'no sex till we get engaged'.

They got engaged.

She then said 'no sex until we are married'.

They got married.

No troll solo. Its about attitudes. As much I am asking questions / trying to show a differnt viewpoint as giving answers.

Its as much his fault for wanting sex allthe time as hers for not doing so and the solution is in finding out why this situation exists and looking for ways to change with it as much as saying she needs to want to have sex more often.

Non prescriptive, non pejorative ways of looking at issues

have her followed . . . .

No offence but I assume your bro isn't a rocket scientist?

I wonder whether any of the people suggesting it's a bit harsh to split with somebody because of no sex - or suggesting that maybe the person with a normal sex drive should change - have ever been in a situation anything like the OP. If you want to have sex, but your partner has no interest, why isn't that a reason to split? What other alternatives are there if nothing has changed despite discussing the issue and they see no reason to do anything about it despite making clear to your partner how unhappy such a life is making you?

I see your stats Sue - but they don't appear to address the question of whether the people are happy with that little sex.

As for pressuring the other person, the trouble is that any attempt to discuss the issue or move on gets seen as pressuring, so the only alternative is to do nothing (and it can be incredibly difficult to get away from doing nothing, when it seems easier to ignore the issue rather than make things worse).

most caring ginger woman who couldn't keep her mouth shut for more than 5 seconds person I have ever met.

And he still shagged her friend 😀

Its as much his fault for wanting sex allthe time as hers for not doing so

[i]No troll solo. Its about attitudes. As much I am asking questions / trying to show a differnt viewpoint as giving answers. [/i]

So, she isn't pressuring him to have less then ?.......

You can turn that one either way you want to with a high probability of an out break of flaming.

Lets not, eh ?.

In an attempt to be fair to both parties, imo.
Surely they should go find what best suites each of them.
Which, it would seem, isn't each other.

Desperategit.
Good post, I've known a few people who have had very similar experiences to yourself.
I hope you find what you're looking for, but don't worry about the future and whether you'll end up on our own.

[i]It is, as it shall be.[/i]

sex is a poor substitute for the real thing

And he still shagged her friend

Yes - and lost his job.

Its as much his fault for wanting sex allthe time as hers for not doing so

Ah - so he's the one who should change. Do they still prescribe bromide - maybe I should get myself some?

ts as much his fault for wanting sex allthe time as hers for not doing so and the solution is in finding out why this situation exists and looking for ways to change with it as much as saying she needs to want to have sex more often.

I think when you start apportioning blame, you're on a hiding to nothing anyway.

Couples need to get along. The no sex thing is a big issue for the OP. That's fair enough, if its making him unhappy and she's not willing to discuss it, then it sounds like little can be done.

anothergit - Member

"Its as much his fault for wanting sex allthe time as hers for not doing so"

Ah - so he's the one who should change. Do they still prescribe bromide - maybe I should get myself some?

No = not at all. read the rest of it.

Its about understanding why the issue has arisen and looking for answers to it without blaming anyone or telling anyone what they must do

20 years down the road, feeling well-fed but unloved I finally stopped turning down opportunities

I suspect if I had any opportunities I'd do the same. Unfortunately my options appear to be staying as things are, or moving out in the hope that I might find a way of meeting somebody (though I've absolutely no idea how). How on earth do I even make that jump when it seems I'll only upset the kids and be even less happy myself?

ts about understanding why the issue has arisen and looking for answers to it without blaming anyone or telling anyone what they must do

But she doesn't want to talk about it? What then?

You are missing the point once again TJ in your attempt to see both sides.

The OP is already compromising as he has no choice. His girlfriend has made no attempt to compromise or alleviate the situation, or even discuss it.

In my book that makes her to blame for the fact the OP is considering ending it.

Flage- that is being unreasonable then. nearer the beginning I said perhaps an ultimatum on that. "[i]Help me find[/i] a solution to this or I will have to go" You can still do the none pejorative /non judgemental thing in looking for a solution

The OP is already compromising as he has no choice.

This. The experience of varying sexual desires is very one-sided - those who don't want to have sex are already getting what they want.

I could accept a sexless relationship, I couldn't cope with a loveless one though.

I could accept a sexless relationship

Is that keyboard warrior talk, or have you tried?

If sue w's statistics are right,
my life sucks...
😯

I wouldn't accept either.

Still unmarried at 43!

anothergit - Member

"The OP is already compromising as he has no choice."

This. The experience of varying sexual desires is very one-sided - those who don't want to have sex are already getting what they want.

I doubt they are - a happy fulfilled partner and a loving stress free relationship hardly seems plausible.

The problem is different for both sides. I bet the OPs girlfriend is not otoo happy either with the situation but can see no way out.

[i]I could accept a sexless relationship, I couldn't cope with a loveless one though.[/i]

Is that then the difference between making love and having sex ?
😉

As you will know. For some, its emotional as well as physical.

[i]I bet the OPs girlfriend is not too happy either with the situation [b]but can see no way out.[/b][/i]

Laying it on real thick now TJ.
You'll be [s]assuming for the sake of trollin[/s] telling us next the OP is keeping the GF barefoot and naked, while locked in a bedroom.

🙄

I bet the OPs girlfriend is not otoo happy either with the situation but can see no way out.

The OPs girlfriend has a lot more options - if such people are so unhappy with the situation, how come they never make any move to change it?

Is that keyboard warrior talk, or have you tried

Solo - I am not trolling I am trying to be helpful. Perhaps you could stop and think about what I am trying to put instead of leaping to the attack.

I have been thru this sort of situation and worked it out to a satisfactory solution

I shall step away from it now.

I hoped you washed your hands afterwards.

Are there really 4 pages of whining because someone isn't getting shagged?

Amazing, this place.

My 2p,

The whole issue of cause / blame / compromise etc is kinda moot. The big issue is that she won't talk about it. That's the showstopper which needs addressing in all this.

This thread is useless without pics.

You'd better not be peterfile because that would be a crime.

Either you are A) This guy

[img] [/img]

Or B) Too much the kind of person that asks this kind of question about giving his gf the boot on an internet forum.

I go with B.

I nearly married someone myself in a physically sexless relationship

Though you give the impression you were brainwashed - would you really be happy with such a situation again?

OP - I was in the same boat so I finished the relationship. The feeling of not being wanted slowly destroyed the love I had for her. Mind you I am still not getting any but I don't endure that situation you describe of being next to someone but feeling a million miles apart. The grass may not be greener over this side of the fence but it is a different shade of brown.

Are there really 4 pages of whining because someone isn't getting shagged?

Amazing, this place.

Amazing there aren't more people who've never had such an experience and have no empathy making stupid comments?

Solo - Member

Laying it on real thick now TJ

I don't actually think TJ is trolling, I think he is genuinly trying to see both sides of the situation.

Having been in a relationship where the other half wanted sex more than I did (by quite some way) there are massive feelings of being abnormal, and feelings of guilt from not meeting your partners needs. (which may, or may not apply to the OPs other half) It wasn't until we broke up that I realised that I fitted somewhere on the asexual spectrum, as I just don't want sex with [i][b]other people[/b][/i]

Amazing there aren't more people who've never had such an experience and have no empathy making stupid comments?

Or, conversely, think that airing this kind of personal issue to a load of internet strangers is somewhat odd. But don't let that stop you from throwing the stupid insults about.

I knew a girl who was very up tight sexually. I got her talking one night and it turns out when she was 13 her first boyfriend (17) tried to have sex with her in her bedroom and her older brother came home early.

It scarred her and made her really tense and uncomfortable in every relationship after this. Thing is she didn't make the connection (weird).

Anyway it really helped for her to talk about it and me to probe/etc.

If everything else is right why the **** would you ditch her? She has security issues, something within her past that she feels insecure about. Also she may have self-body issues where she views her body as 'ugly' but wont admit it. Its not a rational fear.

Get her talking. Talk to her. Don't do the sex-pressure shit. It'll just push her further into this mindset.

I really don't want to think about Hora and probes 😯

Oh look he's here...

TJ.

Just seems to me you were introducing elements that while being theoretically possible.
Hadn't been reported by the OP.
So therefore such Theorizing seemed misleading.

Dan.
Fair enough, but the original question is whether to split from someone who isn't meeting your needs.
And you seemed to have done this yourself.

I'm in the [i]end it and both move on[/i] camp.

They tried, it wasn't meant to be.

Get back out there, the one for you is waiting.

[i]She has security issues, something within her past that she feels insecure about. Also she may have self-body issues where she views her body as 'ugly' but wont admit it. Its not a rational fear.

Get her talking. Talk to her. Don't do the sex-pressure shit. It'll just push her further into this mindset.
[/i]

Original and truely vintage Hora.

For goodness sake Hora, read the OP.
He has been trying to talk to her about it, for some considerable time.
Also seems that the OP would prefer to work through it to a solution which sees them stay together.
BUT, it takes two, no ?.

You may not realize this, but to have a discussion, takes both parties to speak.
😉

if such people are so unhappy with the situation, how come they never make any move to change it?

* Fear of making things worse
* Unable to comprehend the depth of the problem
* Unable to comprehend a solution
* Hope that the problem will go away
* Acceptance that things don't have to be perfect (they rarely are)

I'm of the sentimental view that [i]love[/i] is about what you give, not what you get. Does the OP love his GF enough to tolerate a life without much intimacy? Does she love him enough to provide him some intimacy even when she doesn't want it?

Dissatisfaction with intimacy or any other [i]need[/i] causes frustration and ill-feeling. Whether there is enough ill-feeling to fracture a relationship is a calculation for both partners and depends on their relative priorities and tolerances. Only the OP can answer these questions for himself.

But I would say to the OP that if you at the point of splitting, then try to persuade her that some professional help should be attempted first. At least you then know you did all you could.

I like the way that the fact she's not interested in sex seems to be a problem that requires some form of treatment in most peoples eyes

It seems that that these days it's OK that you want to have sex with people of the opposite sex, or that you want to have sex with people who are the same sex, but there must be something wrong with you if you don't want to have sex with anyone.

If you don't want to have sex with someone and maintain a relationship with someone that desires a sex life then there is something wrong.

Moving forward she might think to at least talk about it a bit more. OP should try and remove as much pressure as possible. Then at least both parties have given an otherwise good relationship a decent shot at it.

OP - You sound like a great guy!* When you speak to her about this, do you start with the problem/negative? Whenever I broach difficult topics with my partner I start with telling her how much I love her and all the positive things we have got going for us (*see what I did there!). I try and avoid all words or implications that might make her think I blame her. I really try and keep my voice sounding reasonable at all times. This helps me to get her open up to me (not literally) and prevents a defensive response. Then end on more positives. You still are a great guy!

Sorry if you're doing this all already but it helps me.

Dan.
Fair enough, but the original question is whether to split from someone who isn't meeting your needs.
And you seemed to have done this yourself.

It was me that got dumped, so she made the decision for me.
I think that whilst she was meeting most of my needs, I wasn't meeting many of hers, so she did what was best for her.

It would have been nice if she'd wanted to discuss it perhaps, and it might have been nice if I'd known then that actually I wasn't abnormal.

As cougar said, this could be about a range of issues. It's the refusal to communicate that makes things harder. Would you suggest joint therapy? That might help her understand that compromise is possibly an option. Maybe she thinks she's compromised enough already. Seems reasonable to want out if you're unhappy though...

Though you give the impression you were brainwashed - would you really be happy with such a situation again?

Interesting this.

Two people who sound as though they are NOT abnormal, just have different needs.

Perhaps they don't need therapy or treatment - just different partners?

Weird how many posters here jump to suggest:

1) Therapy or taking - when one person doesn't want to talk
2) That turning down sex means the other person must be dirty or a crap shag
3) That either sex is VERY Important, or NOT important at all.

Cheers all, some good advise there.

The issue is that I have tried to talk about it on several occasions and she just won't open up. Same in bed, she just won't open up and say what she likes, does not like etc. It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack without having any eyes or hands!

How can you possibly resolve a problem if she won't talk openly about it or if she doesn't even see that it's an issue despite me letting her know otherwise?

I realise that sex is always a compromise. I would be happily up to no good every night if I had the choice but for her it's once in a blue moon. Meeting somewhere in the middle would be great but at the moment it's only whenever she feels like it - which isn't very often! And even then it seems like sometimes she often just wants to get it over with as quickly as possible. It's always the same - never wants to try anything different.

Sex is a big part of any relationship for me. It's not just the physical act but how it makes you both feel and how it builds a bond.

I know it's not my performance that's to blame. There are too many women who can vouch for that in the past 😉

Think I've kind of made the decision that it's not going to work. There's only so much rejection a man can take and only so long I can remain faithful without feeling loved.

A real real shame because in most other ways she's great and I will miss her loads. I used to think she was a 'keeper' but at the end of the day though, despite loving her to bits then there's only so much you can keep on giving without getting anything in return.

[i]It was me that got dumped, so she made the decision for me.
I think that whilst she was meeting most of my needs, I wasn't meeting many of hers, so she did what was best for her.

It would have been nice if she'd wanted to discuss it perhaps, and it might have been nice if I'd known then that actually I wasn't abnormal.
[/i]

Obvoiusly, as with all relationships, there seems to be a lot to your story.
But my point was, you are now meeting your needs, and its not with that previous partner.
You have split from that person, so that both can meet their needs.
I would suggest that you should NOT feel you are to blame for just being you.
Nor should your ex be blamed for looking elsewhere to meet their needs through the process of splitting with you.

FWIW, I'm of the opinion that you do not change people to your will.
Either you are compatible or you aint.
If you aint, you have two choices imo.
You go elsewhere or [b]you[/b] change.
But if you change, it must be because [b]you want[/b] to [b]not[/b] because you've been forced to.

I've walked away from women and my mates have been jumping up an down asking how I can turn her whomever, down.
Simple, if I don't think that she is for me.
Then thats it.
I aint gonna [i]mould[/i] someone into what I think I want.
That really would be a terrible thing to try, even worse were you to succeed.
imo.

Just perhaps the lady may be lesbian, and suffering deep anxuieties about her sexuality, she doesnt want to tell her boyfreind as she enjoys his company and living with him, she just doesnt want sex with him.

Alot of peeps are forced to stay in dodgy relationships due to their sexuality,just so they appear to be part of what is classed as normal, eg man and woman, even though civil partnerships are now being seen as legaly correct and aceptable by some.

Sex isnt the big thing its made ouit to be, its the freindship and comapnionship, and waking up next to someone you love each day.

FWIW, I'm of the opinion that you do not change people to your will.
Either you are compatible or you aint.

Yeah but they might yet be compatible; it'd be a shame to miss out on a great relationship because of miscommunication, wouldn't it?

she just won't open up and say what she likes, does not like etc

Sounds like she's not comfortable then. Making people feel comfortable is a complex art.

There are too many women who can vouch for that in the past

It's not about how good of a performer you are. Think of it like being a stand up comedian. You can't measure how funny a comic is on some absolute scale - the jokes have to match the audience. I'm sure there are many successful comedians that you can't stand, but others love them.

at the moment it's only whenever she feels like it

4 pages till the "lesbian" card is played!

Very restrained!

[i]A real real shame because in most other ways she's great and I will miss her loads. At the end of the day though then there's only so much I can take.[/i]

Wind it up nicely, might be good to remain friends.

There are plenty more pebbles on the beach.

[img] [/img]

But my point was, you are now meeting your needs, and its not with that previous partner.

Not entirely sure how being forced into being single when I want to be in a relationship with someone I love is meeting my needs, but I do sort of get your point 🙂