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...generally after their poor driving has been commented on.
Today's was excellent.
I had a driver overtake me on a blind corner, and then immediately turn left into a carpark (!?*!)
I stopped and questioned why they'd done it. His response was a bit of abuse, and then the immortal line "I'll track you down".
I rode off laughing my arse off 😆
Ninja edit
You had a donkey with you?
"I didn't see you".
I'm 6'.
Wearing a luminous jacket.
With two front lights flashing.
Under bright new street lamps.
I genuinely creased up laughing at her.
As did the police officer who turned up a couple of minutes later.
"**** off before I get out and do something." He said that at least 6 times before I called him an angry man and rode away.
I had a lovely man hurl homophobic abuse at me. I was a little perplexed as I didn't think I have done anything to cause this.
I blew him a kiss which seemed to result in a tantrum.
"Do you know who I am?"
“Do you know who I am?”
No, who?
RONNIE PICKERING!!
Taxi driver this afternoon "I'll knock your face off"
After I pointed out that his pass was close enough to knock off his wing mirror.
RONNIE PICKERING
Who?
"No, don't" after I had violently shut their car door on them a few times then took the keys out the ignition and threw them off an overpass.
"you, you, you, can't even afford a car"🤣
RONNIE PICKERING
‘Who’s that?’
‘ME!’
Him.
I'll ****ing kill you next time.
Me.
Why not step out the car and kill me now.
Him
Winds up window and locks door.
All because I had the audacity to ride a bike on the same road as he was driving on.
I was on a farm track locally, and ended up skidding to a halt on a bend as a driver came round the corner rather quickly and 'wide' I went down the side, and said you need to slow down. He then 'wanted' a chat about it. I said jog on. I didn't say, 'Hi Mike, I know you from 20 years ago, and you were a dick then, and still are." Well known dick to my mates and family.
I've had the "I'll run you over", I say "I've got your reg plate".
'I'm fast but safe' after pulling out onto a main road right in front of me and knocking me off my bike.
Pizza delivery driver, was very apologetic and brought round a free pizza later that day.
Turned out to be actually a really nice guy, although if I am honest his driving was better than his pizzas.
He died a few years later in bizarre circumstances which he did not deserve. Decent guy.
After I'd taken primary to go through a restriction to prevent someone overtaking; he passed me and then pulled over in his van to shout 'If you kept to the side I could have squeezed through!!'
Not funny in the traditional sense, more from the total lack of any awareness.
"I didn't see you" then 2 seconds later "you were going too fast". Hmmmmmm.
A ruddy faced tweed wearing Range Rover driver fresh off the grouse moor stepped out right in front of me without looking. I swerved and nearly hit him. Apparently this was my fault as I didn’t have a bell. We had an exchange of views. I told him to calm down as he looked like a heart attack waiting to happen. He called me a Flat Face.
Driver who flew out in front of me (my right of way, he saw me but was going too fast and couldn't stop nearly hitting the parked cars opposite the junction) yelled "Slow down".
"You should be cycling in the cycle lane, which is why I pulled in forcing you to go up onto the kerb,"
I've tried 6 times to make the image link work, but to be honest this has been a shit year, where I've lost 7 members of my family so, I can't be arsed. The image is supposed to be of double yellow lines.
"You're on camera, you'll be on YouTube later."
Quite a lot of swearing later, "you can't do that, that's illegal".
Hahahahaha. Cycled off.
After hitting my arm with the wing mirror. That was her right-hand wing mirror, hitting me on the right arm (think about it). and me having Hope Vision 2 on full as well as a flashing light pointing at her. I said “Didn’t you see me??” and it was the poshest women’s institute accent, “well, no! Actually I didn’t!” Like it was my fault. I couldn’t help but laugh at the dozy moo.
Approaching a roundabout in the inside lane of a dual carriageway where a third filter lane opens up on the left just before the roundabout for vehicles turning left. I’m going straight on but move from primary to the middle of the lane to discourage lorries or buses from trying to overtake me but still get back into my lane for the roundabout. It’s my regular commute and it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had an artic’s back wheel 6” from my right shoulder and a car to my left leaving me nowhere to go.
Anyway, I reach the roundabout and a car draws up on my left in the filter lane. Window goes down and the guy says “you should have signalled”
“What for?” says I
“You moved over”
”But I’m in the same lane?”
”Doesn’t matter, you should have signalled”
”So what exactly is the hand signal for moving over in the same lane?”
”Harrumph!” Windows goes up and he drives off
As told to me by father in law this evening 🙂
Earlier today his nephew happened upon a white 1 series BMW buried into the hedge near a farm with a young lad looking a bit sheepish who proceeded to rant about all the mud on the road.
Nephew looked around and said "I can’t see any mud on the road can you?" young lad said well what’s it got to with you anyway.
Nephew said "that's my hedge I own the farm just there, shall I call the police?”
There then followed a hurried reversing of said 1 series out of the hedge and he clattered off up the road shedding various front trim parts!
With the club one sat morning, there was around 8-10 of us in the group, driver got the hump because we were doubled up, drove past, pulls up to stop us and gives a load of abuse, which we were pretty bemused about tbh, he winds window up and speeds off, directly into a traffic camera where he immediately slams on the brakes to a screech, I wish soooo much he'd set that camera off!
After me throw a tirade of verbal abuse at a van driver who decided to have a go at me for deliberately slowing him as he tried to skip past the traffic jam by going up the bus lane he says, "I'm going to report you for using language like that", to which I replied, "to who, your mammy?".
"Get on the right side of the road" as the guy drives towards me on the wrong side of the road (obvs)
move from primary to the middle of the lane
Huh?
Have I misunderstood this term?
After a close pass on a narrow road where their trailer nearly knocked me off as he swerved in to avoid oncoming traffic.
"What am I supposed to do? Wait until there's nothing coming the other way?" No shit Sherlock, that's exactly what you're supposed to do.
Slight change of topic, but when I was about 17, a mate came round to pick me up to drive into town together. He pulled a big handbrake slide into the driveway in his Triumph Herald, jumped out and said, "One day maybe you can be a driving god like me." Ten minutes later we're skidding down the road upside down with the unholy din of the road grinding away on the roof. He never, ever lived down the "Driving God" nickname.
new addition from last night; my daughter (learner) driving home in her little Mitsubishi Colt with me in the passenger seat.
"Was I going a bit fast for that corner?"
A little bit dear, I don't think you're supposed to have the inside wheels come off the road. Actually that's not what I said, which was more like "CHRIST ON A BIKE!" which is a phrase she's never heard before.
We both had hysterical laughter, me at not being dead and her at my laughing. My arse clenched so hard I had bits of Mitsubishi upholstery in my poo this morning.
I had a driver turn left alongside me, taking me down a slip road with them. When they stopped at the lights, I asked what the thinking was, and it was because I hadn't signalled, which to be fair I generally don't do when I'm not turning.
White van man - Get out the ****g bus lane you **** it is for buses and taxis.
Me : You are not a bus or taxi
Him : **** off and get a car. This is a bus lane
Me : Actually it is a cycle lane which is why it is green
Him : Well it shouldn't be and fk off before I really run you over
Also a group of about 8 adults walking along one of the gravel cycleways in the New Forest see me approaching and gets the group top spread out and block the whole path saying loudly "This is a footpath, don't let him through"
I point out he is leaning on a cycle route marker sign and ride through the group while they laugh at him.
Made me feel slightly sumg.
**** off and get a car.
I have a car, I'm just not in it at the moment.
This really is rightup near the top of the list of crackpot arguments, isn't it. You wouldn't shout it in aisle 6 of Aldi, "you with your bloody 'trolley,' why don't you get a car?"
As the car passed me I walked out to cross the road with my then toddler walking with me and baby in a pram. Said car does a quick u-Turn as it’s a wide area of the road on the high street. Doesn’t see us until the last second. At which point I was shouting and probably swearing asking WTF? The driver tells me the last time they check road were built for cars and sped off. The road itself has been in the same place for around thousand years or more.
Well it was funny at the time.
Mate of mine, who runs a haulage company 6and had very recently just handed over £40k in 'Road tax' had someone try to start the old 'you don't pay road tax' arguement with him. He is usually quite mild mannered but...
‘you don’t pay road tax’
No I don't or window tax for that matter (both abolished yonks ago) but I bet you pay idiot tax...
“I bet you like Bradley Wiggins?”
The driver who tried to turn right across my path at some cross roads as I went straight ahead "But I was here first" 🤔
"so that's us parked"
The missus. Bless her, parking is an area for improvement.
“But I was here first”
Reminds me of experiencing driving in Saudi back in the early 80s. Whoever sounded their horn first at a junction had right of way.
Pedestrian steps backwards off the curb as I decended through Leeds city centre. Over the bars I go, rolling under the rear of a parked car. Just as the car is started. "You need to move" said the cause of the accident. "Tell him to stay still."
And not my proudest moment. After being pushed to the curb and tailgated. I eventually lost my rag as the portly driver emerged from his car. Raising my bike above my head, about to slam it on his bonnet. Shouting I'm gonna find out where you live and run your ****in kids over.
I’ve had the “I have right of way when turning right at crossroads” one before. The bloke was so adamant and quoting bits of the Highway Code that I even checked when I got home for my own sanity.
Last week had someone pull out from a parking bay into road right in front of me. I braked so hard to avoid rear ending them that ABS kicked in on dry road and I was only doing 30mph. She hurled loads of abuse at me and kept repeating “but you were so far back when I pulled out” as though it was somehow my fault that she misjudged it. Clearly thought I’d teleported a couple of hundred yards at the last second 🙄🙄
kept repeating “but you were so far back when I pulled out”
Some people don't understand convex mirrors
you shouldn't be riding soo fast
as he overtook us on a junction in a 20 zone (we were doing 20)
Funny one was “You were in the middle of the road to stop me from overtaking” when I’d been up the arse of a car in front on a road with speedbumps.
Early 90s, cycling along the A20 in a 30 limit. Woman in a Volvo estate pulls out of a side road on the right in front of me. I brake hard but she's far too close so I go into the gutter. She immediately turns hard left to park diagonally in front of the shops. I've got nowhere to go so try to turn with her and end up putting my foot into her passenger door before falling over. When I get up she won't talk to me, even through the closed door.
I go home and call the police. They go round to talk to her. Apparently, she was too scared to talk to me. She's scared? She's in the best built safety cage of the time. I'm on a knackered old racing bike with no helmet or anything.
I hope the repair was expensive, no damage to me or my bike so the police wouldn't take it any further.
Car v car
Simple A road nsl overtake, guy sitting behind a Honda jazz doing roughly 50mph.
I catch up with him, overtake and pull into the substantial gap.
He goes apeshit, catches me at roundabout, undertakes, swerves in front and stops.
Opened windows and screamed " you ever do that again and i'll kill you"
Okay, there are like 30,000,000 cars in this country so the chances of that happening again are slim at best, but hey ho gammon man, crack on.
I was called a fat bastard !! It was my racing days I was around 10 stone I’m 5”11 🤷♂️
A few years ago in South London: A driver pulls out in front of me at a roundabout. I hit his wing, slide across his bonnet on my face and land on the road in a heap.
While I'm checking myself to see if anything is broken, a second driver pulls around the stopped car and, seeing me having a lie-down, shouts, "Get out of the road!"
Sorry, but I'm late for the hairderessers !
After whacking me on the knee with her wing mirror.
That's ok then .....
Got into a dispute with a van driver - he pulled out when it was my right of way at a roundabout. At first he said - "you were going too fast " - I'm pointing out its my right of way. Then he called me a "short arse" the temerity - I am 5ft 11 and in all my 56 years have never been called a "short arse" - still makes me laugh
Similar to WCA's non-driving one, I once cycled (slowly) past a couple of blokes having a chat in a local park.
Bloke 1: You shouldn't be riding that through here
Me: But it's a cycle route (pointing at sign over B1's shoulder)
Bloke 2: Hey, hey, let's all calm down, he didn't say anything to you
Me: Um...
Riding along a shared path and a quick tinkle on the bell (normal where I am in Melbourne...signs everywhere saying "warn on approach" bells mandatory) parked car hatch open big German shepherd not on leash wandering around...owner looking for something in car (the lead?)...turns and holds hand up in stop mode..."you can't ride here"....I point to the handily adjacent shared path sign and then we do cyclist bingo...I'm in no hurry so deal with every point...eventually from the dog owner..."you're just wasting my time" me "hang on you waved me down" dog owner "where's my dog?" Me..."5minutes ago it chased a kangaroo down the road but they turned into the park so should be ok I'll look out for it"
”5 minutes ago it chased a kangaroo down the road but they turned into the park so should be ok I’ll look out for it”
That's something I'll never get to say to anyone 🙂
Fat guy in topnotch range range rover said I was taking up all the road
Marshalling the club hill climb in town this morning - we get the main shopping street closed off to run it, had 95 on the start list this morning.
I have one of the side roads coming on to the main street. Signs behind me advising the road is closed, arrows pointing people round the alternative. Road coned off. Me in hiviz in the middle of the junction.
Mid event, big revving engine roars up, brakes lock as he skids to a stop. 30 year old in a BMW with a young lad in the front seat next to him.
We stare at each other. Neither of us move for a little while. Eventually I walk down to the drivers door and he winds down the window.
Me: Morning, I'm sorry, but the road is closed for an event this morning.
Him: ****ing hell. Where am I supposed to go?
Me: Where are you trying to get to?
Him: The ****ing shops
Me: Well if you just back up a bit, you can turn into the big car park that brings you out in the middle of the shops. Free parking on Sundays
Him: ****ing hell.
Tyres squeal as he slams it in to reverse and goes back 50 yards to the signs diverting people into the car park.
Little old lady who had stopped to watch: Well, it is Ilkeston
To be fair, he was the only one who swore at me today.
"Do you think you're entitled to be on the road" from an idiot in Range Rover who tried to run me off a single track road.
You're overbiked!
The Dick of a gamekeeper on the Moresdale Road up Arkengarthdale called me a 4 eyed See Ya Next Tuesday after he blocked our path. I asked him if that was the best he could do & as a prison officer I was called a lot worse every single day. 😂
'BILLY ELLIOT!!' as I waited at traffic lights in my winter tights. 😃
"I am too stressed to stop and see if you are ok."
Getting knocked to the ground by her car was quite stressful for me too!
'Gotcha' shouted the nice Mr Clarkson whilst taking a picture of me in the middle of the road after we'd had an earlier altercation, that set off an Internet chain of events that I'm still asked to recount sometimes.
I was turning right 🙄
He's a bell nd! 😂
that set off an Internet chain of events that I’m still asked to recount sometimes.
Would you like to recount the internet chain of events?
I'm in the cycle lane going up the inside of a line of traffic quite a bit faster than the cars, temporary lights causing a big tailback
Guy pulls in nearly clips the cyclist in front of me but stops about a metre out from the kerb, halfway into the cycle lane, I was just thinking how lucky it was that he hasn't squashed us both into the kerb and woman in his passenger seat jumps out and car doors me, im lying on the floor with my leg & bike under her door.
And she says, "can you move, you're making me late for work"
I'll admit I didn't reply politely, fortunately the cyclist in front of me came back and helped me up and also gave the driver a piece of his mind
I’d appreciate hearing it but I totally agree that Clarkson is a bellend.
'Nice arse, can I have your number?'
Was about 30 years ago mind. Blushed and blurted out my (parents) number and rode off like the awkward teenaged lad I was.
I too was called a fat bastard, in this case just coming out of lockdown and weighing the least I have in my adult life - including my racing days!
Here you go @jamj1974
Short version; riding along/stand up argument with him. Pic on twitter. Hit most cycling forums, and in The Times and the Daily Nazi (mail). Jeremy vine got involved, and it rumbled on on various Web forums for a couple of weeks. It was even in a newspaper in Asia (may have been Malaysia but my memory is a bit hazy on that).
I have been called a fat bastard as well - by a chap with a BMI 10 points above mine. I nearly fell off my bike laughing
I wear a lot of Fat Lad at the Back kit, and regularly get "Go on Fat Lad" shouted out of vans when struggling up hills
I live in a small village with narrow, hemmed-in roads where only one car can pass at a time. There is a small "square" in the middle where cars can pass each other or you can turn off up to the higher part of the village. One day I'm driving home, up one narrow side to the square, then down the other narrow side to my house.
Some lady is parked all across the square blocking it and nattering to her mate. She waves to acknowledge I'm waiting but is in no particular hurry. Some time later, she gets back in her car and pulls to the corner of the square to let me past. I am now unable to do so because, in the intervening time, another car has come up the narrow street on the other side.
She pulls her car in, looks at me (still stationary) for about half a picosecond, rolls her eyes, shoves it in reverse and shoots back out into the middle of the square. Straight into the side of the car coming up the other way.
She then says to me "That was your fault!"
I was unable to maintain a straight face.
My favourite was cycling on a bridleway through the local golf course and i came up to a foursome of two men and two ladies playing and one of the ladies started having a go at me and said I shouldn't be on the golf course at all, I said it was a bridleway and I could ride my horse on it if I wanted, I then added it was somewhat comical to be told by a lady I wasn't welcome on a golf course, to which the fellas had a chuckle but I figure from the look they got they were in for some bother when I left (ps she had a driver in her bag lol)
Pulled into a driveway to let a car pass on a thin singletrack road with high hedges and very few passing places. Nice lady stops alongside me to thank me ‘although I didn’t mind, I was enjoying the view’ - not was I was expecting and I think she also enjoyed my stammered reply!