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As a friend I’d tell him about workplace rumours anyway so that he wouldn’t lose his job due those.
This. You're not much of a friend if you don't let him know what's being said behind his back. If he finds out about the rumours and then asks if you'd heard them, how would you respond?
Yeah but the OP has said himself, he's apparently the last to know about all of this. Five will get you ten that Rob is already aware of the rumours, or that another work colleague has already said something to him (as that's the nature of gossip, it always gets back to the subject in the end)
If he finds out about the rumours and then asks if you’d heard them, how would you respond?
Mate, you're an adult, its none of my business. I don't spread gossip.
I’m conflicted on this. Normally I’d be with NickC, they’re adults so keep out of their business.
But I’d hate to know my mate was making steps that will potentially ruin another friends life along with his career.
Ive never had an affair or been tempted, but my exwife did cheat on me. Ultimately the person cheating knows the damage they are going to cause. But if they’re not cheating and the rumours are just “office gossip”, I would suggest you owe it to him to at least mention it in a very non accusatory fashion.
Difficult position to be in.
Had a very strange phone call once when a bloke accused me of sleeping with his wife ,I passed him over to Mrs DoD and she ended up talking with his wife.
Was a funny one and tbh could have caused a lot of grief with Mrs DoD and moi 🙂
All that late night bike riding and being coy about stuff(usually the er new bike/parts being sneakily acquired)
I'm glad I had better "friends" than some of you lot when I was on the receiving end 😂
I think you are all missing the point. Rob the Shagger has lost a bunch of weight. Can we get details of his routine?
– you may have a statutory obligation to report it (as May all the rumour spreaders)
Under what law? I didn't think healthcare workers even had a mandatory reporting duty for neglect etc to children?
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/apr/02/reporting-suspected-sexual-abuse-to-be-mandatory-for-those-working-with-children
Happened to me years ago. I got a job away from where I came from and my best friend decided to move over as well. One morning coming home from a night shift I saw a girl we both knew, were friends with and who was married to another friend back home driving through the town we had moved to. I confronted him and he admitted the affair then next time she was over I told them both that I'd give them chance to either finish it or come clean before I told her husband. They didn't so I did.
It probably did affect my relationship with all three after that but I don't regret it and would do it again. Much better than it coming out and then me trying to explain why I hadn't said anything.
Having been on the shitty end of an affair from my wife of 13 years ( and best friend, adventure partner etc etc of 18 years) I consider myself somewhat qualified to offer what I suggest you do, as what I would wish to happen to me was I in this particular situation: I advise you make him aware of what has come to your attention. I advise you to do this as soon as possible. I advise you to tell him you know and that you are her friend and you feel obliged to be honest towards all of your friends. You have then done all what you can, and should for now be expected of you as a friend. As a friend you will have ongoing obligations towards both of them, that will also have to be handled.
Unfortunately I was made aware of my situation by his wife at the time who was an unknown person by sending me a message on FB messenger. My world has exploded. This started 3 years ago. To be honest with you all, at the time my wife had told me it was over a few months before I found out about this affair which I found out had started before she told me it was over. What has ensued is a complete spiritual crisis, a dark night of the soul and I believe it will all be for the best for me. But I wouldn't wish anything like this to anyone. And I mean anyone.
Can we get details of his routine?
There's a lot of those kind of videos available for free on the internet these days.
Rob the Shagger has lost a bunch of weight. Can we get details of his routine?
TMI.
I advise you to tell him you know
The OP doesn't know anything.
Nobody here knows the exact right answer, as I’d suspect there’s more to this than meets the eye. OP you said yourself you must have been living under a rock, what’s to say Mrs Rob is also cheating but you’d not known.
The marriage is/has been Rocky anyway, maybe they turn a blind eye and get on with it and the actual issue is that Rob has played a bit too close to home this time. It’s tolerated by/participated in by both parties discreetly maybe because of kids, dogs, cats or any one of a hundred other reasons they don’t want/can’t split and this is how they make it work??
No good will come of blurting it out to Mrs Rob, if it’s not a secret but normally discreet she’ll be angry at you. If she didn’t know there’ll maybe be denial and anger directed to you.
Personally I’d talk to Rob, advise of the rumours and if he fesses let him chat, see how the situation then looks. He may just need to make things discreet if it’s not a secret in the marriage, it may be a wake up call for him or tip it into separation, but you don’t have a right to try and force a solution based on what you think you know or rumours.
Shit situation to be in though for you OP.
It probably did affect my relationship with all three after that but I don’t regret it and would do it again.
So you stuck your oar into 3 other people's lives and stirred it around good and proper. But you feel better about it, so that's cool, I guess?
Do nothing - it's not your issue
If you tell her, they will both hate you
If you accuse him, he will hate you, then he will tell his wife something about you to make sure she hates you.
When/if it breaks, you just say you had no idea - or heard rumours
@mugsys_m8 that sounds awful mate.
Similar but not quite the same here and I'm not sure of timings so I can't get too worked up about it.
It took me a long time to recover, but I'm in a good place now, time does sort this shit out. Hang in there.
I’m glad I had better “friends” than some of you lot when I was on the receiving end 😂
TBH I think the worst one is when it’s actually one of your friends as you then lose a partner and a friend 🙁
The coward's halfway point between doing nothing and exploding hand grenades is speaking to Rob. I suggest you approach it Father Ted style: "I hear you're a shagger now, Father?"
The marriage is/has been Rocky anyway, maybe they turn a blind eye and get on with it
Yeah - you may be embarrassing the "cuckold" by forcing them to admit in public something they're happy to leave unsaid in privste...
TBH I think the worst one is when it’s actually one of your friends as you then lose a partner and a friend 🙁
I concur. I once (when much younger and far more stupid) started shagging a friend's ex-partner....only they were only 'just' an ex partner and it might well have been saveable if I'd not made a move. Instant groin orientated short term benefit but lost what would have been a life long friend because of it. So so stupid.
OP - I'd be doing a bit of sleuthing....can you see any evidence yourself. Then a "I just couldn't believe it, so I had to see for myself" type of confrontation.
I'd also not be having a conversation here - if you have a partner I'd be talking to them...someone who knows them both too. The nuance of the people and relationship is lost in typed words.
If the rumours are true, and that's all they are at the minute, he will eventually slip up and be found out by his wife. I would say its nigh on impossible to seriously carry on with someone and not get a stray text or call that will be discovered. You get a second sense at even small changes in your wife/husbands behaviour when you're married and I'm sure his wife will pick it up if something's amiss eventually. I'd completely stay out of it. Karma will catch up in the end.
Maybe Emma has told Rob she made a terrible mistake and should have married OP?
Richard Curtis to write the screenplay and Hugh Grant to play OP.
Assuming the rumours are true of course. (I wish I had shagged every nurse I was rumoured to have done !)
If you were the partner being cheated on would you want a friend to tell you? I sure as hell would and would lose all trust in a friend that hadn't told me if I found out.
How can you look either of them in the eye until this is resolved?
How can you look either of them in the eye until this is resolved?
So you're going to stick your nose into some-ones private business because not doing so makes you uncomfortable? Can you not see how massively self-centred that is? How about you let the people that it concerns; Rob and his wife (and maybe the person Rob is shagging) sort it out themselves without you stirring the pot.
Hugh Grant to play OP.
Is the OP a cockney gangster type ?
Keep up , Hugh's got a new stereotypical character type these days
I find your view incomprehensible. Its clear its one shared by many on here but others also share my view. Odd. Does it depend on how close you are to them?
Its not self centered at all. Its for the person being cheated on. I know my friends would be grateful for being told as would I and also that they would be angry if I hadn't warned them same as I would.
The older I get and the more I learn about folk the more confused I get 🙂
As a friend I’d tell him about workplace rumours anyway so that he wouldn’t lose his job due those.
This. You’re not much of a friend if you don’t let him know what’s being said behind his back. If he finds out about the rumours and then asks if you’d heard them, how would you respond?
100%
MY actions afterwards would depend on the response.
Its not self centered at all. Its for the person being cheated on.
They're going to find out at some point. Affairs always end like that. So either one of two things happen, You throw a hand grenade into the middle of three people's lives when they re totally unprepared for it and figurately walk away, you don't have to deal with the consequences and fall out or the hurt and devastation that it causes, but get to sleep soundly at night in a sort of Kantian "truth must out" bubble, or the alternative is that three people destroy their own lives, or by themselves in a time that they choose, they figure it out amongst themselves and maybe resolve it without a fourth person who has no skin in the game whatsoever, sticking their oar in occasionally.
The older I get and the more I learn about folk the more confused I get
Then might I suggest that you don't ever try to "help" if you come across this scenario.
Not saying anything isn’t doing nothing. It’s taking the side of the guy having the affair.
I think it does indeed depend on how close you are to them.
To me the key question for the OP is whether he thinks 'Emma' would expect the OP to have her back - because literally (and I mean literally!), people are talking about her (and rob) behind her/their back, and the OP has been forced to become aware of it - quote from the op - "Recently everyone has been asking me: " - it has been made his business.
Personally I would expect and want good friends to lean in a bit (and we've suggested he have a gentle word with Rob). If my 'good friends' turned a blind eye, even though it was all over the place of work I'd drop them. But that's just my view.
That said I wouldn't expect or want 'nosey' people who I don't know very well to step in ("stay out of my business etc").
So that's the moral dilemma for the OP to decide, as he asked.
Kramer - exactly
Well put akeys001
It’s taking the side of the guy having the affair.
Then at the very most you say to Rob. "Are these rumours true? Becasue if they are I cannot be your friend. I'm not going to say anything to anyone*, and I'm going to trust you to resolve it".
*because, remember this is none...you get the message.
it has been made his business.
No, it has not. He's just been included in the ring of gossip.
I think akeys has it. Both points of view can be valid depending on the circumstances.
No, it has not. He’s just been included in the ring of gossip.
It's become his 'business' because act either way - ie gently step in or turn a blind eye is 'doing something' - especially with respect to emma - the key person in the conundrum. The 'gossip' is forcing him to take sides as Kramer says.
Your side is clear Nick, mine differs, you're not going to change the internet I'm afraid.
And what happens when Emma asks you about it?
The only time Emma is going to ask me about this is if she knows or suspects, and the answer is "The person you need to discuss this with is Rob"
Your side is clear Nick, mine differs, you’re not going to change the internet I’m afraid.
Yep, agreed.
you’re not going to change the internet <br /><br />
Is this Rule 2?
The only time Emma is going to ask me about this is if she knows or suspects, and the answer is “The person you need to discuss this with is Rob”
Good luck with that.
Well, that's the line I took when this happened to me, and I'm still reasonably good friends with the people involved (that I knew). I'm content that I wasn't the cause of the failure of their marriage (in this case it was her) , but helped them both to come to terms with it as a person that they both still talked to. I found out about it, like the OP a couple of days I think, before the husband suspected that something was going on, came to me, and I literally said the same thing to him, that I wrote up there.
Thing is, as soon as you decide that you're going to be the messenger then you've taken sides, and like the OP I tried to not do that, and not make judgements about people's behaviour. Now, I get that sometimes people are shitty to each other, and the side taking is a clear option, but here, the OP is trying not to, and the only real course of action in that case is try to remain neutral.
So it's been a couple of Days OP? Have you had that chat with 'Rob' yet?
Sounds like they are getting it on in his car. Stakeout, film, then blackmail!
Not serious but someone else could do that - Rob and his FB are putting themselves in a dangerous position
Damned if you do, damned if you don't, only OP can know which damnation is the least worst option
Somewhere out there on the internet is a Rob married to an Emma that's thinking, "ffs, what did I do???".
Not saying anything isn’t doing nothing. It’s taking the side of the guy having the affair.
Or, you know, not being a gossip and spreading hurtful rumours. OP doesn't know anything except there are rumours.
Tbh I need pics of both wife and ‘bit on the side’ before I can offer an educated opinion
short of that however, I’d go with the advice of telling him that there are rumors abound, and they probably need addressing one way or another. Then walk away.
Or, you know, not being a gossip and spreading hurtful rumours. OP doesn’t know anything except there are rumours.
How is talking to the person involved spreading a rumour?
I find your view incomprehensible
You've answered your own question though. How would you both have felt if a well-meaning mutual acquaintance had gone to Julie with the rumours of all those nurses you weren't shagging?
How is talking to the person involved spreading a rumour?
How is it anything else?
"hey, I've heard these rumours..."
"What, and you believe them? I thought you were a friend" and other positive reactions.
there are rumours
- ...girls and ****ed 'em at school
All I know is that
There were rumours he was into field hockey players
There were rumours
- So I applied basically
- He was gone the next day
- And went off with the team
- It's like - he was gone - they'd just like
It was like; so hush hush
They were so... quiet about it
And then the next thing you know...
How is it anything else?
It's letting him know that the rumours are there. If they're false, he can go to HR to get it sorted. If they're not...
How is it anything else?
“hey, I’ve heard these rumours…”
“What, and you believe them? I thought you were a friend” and other positive reactions.
Just because you may get a difficult response isn’t a reason to avoid the conversation, especially when the other party is one of your lifelong friends.
OP has said that she’s like a sister. If you heard a rumour that your brother-in-law was being unfaithful to your sister would you keep schtum or have a discrete word?
You’ve answered your own question though. How would you both have felt if a well-meaning mutual acquaintance had gone to Julie with the rumours of all those nurses you weren’t shagging?
1) I would expect themto at least attempt to ascertain the truth and 2) as I told Julie already we would laugh and thank them for it
I’d change jobs and move house
And buy a new bike just to be sure.
I would expect themto at least attempt to ascertain the truth
Pretty sure voyeurism is illegal.
“hey, I’ve heard these rumours…”
I have a rule in life to never repeat rumours. I just say them loud enough that they can be heard first time around
"– …girls and **** ’em at school<br style="box-sizing: border-box; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; color: #000000; font-family: Roboto, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, 'Noto Sans', sans-serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, 'Segoe UI', 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Noto Color Emoji';" />All I know is that<br style="box-sizing: border-box; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; color: #000000; font-family: Roboto, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, 'Noto Sans', sans-serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, 'Segoe UI', 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Noto Color Emoji';" />There were rumours he was into field hockey players<br style="box-sizing: border-box; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; color: #000000; font-family: Roboto, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, 'Noto Sans', sans-serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, 'Segoe UI', 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Noto Color Emoji';" />There were rumours<br style="box-sizing: border-box; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; color: #000000; font-family: Roboto, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, 'Noto Sans', sans-serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, 'Segoe UI', 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Noto Color Emoji';" />– So I applied basically<br style="box-sizing: border-box; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; color: #000000; font-family: Roboto, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, 'Noto Sans', sans-serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, 'Segoe UI', 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Noto Color Emoji';" />– He was gone the next day<br style="box-sizing: border-box; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; color: #000000; font-family: Roboto, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, 'Noto Sans', sans-serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, 'Segoe UI', 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Noto Color Emoji';" />– And went off with the team<br style="box-sizing: border-box; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; color: #000000; font-family: Roboto, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, 'Noto Sans', sans-serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, 'Segoe UI', 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Noto Color Emoji';" />– It’s like – he was gone – they’d just like<br style="box-sizing: border-box; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; color: #000000; font-family: Roboto, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, 'Noto Sans', sans-serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, 'Segoe UI', 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Noto Color Emoji';" />It was like; so hush hush<br style="box-sizing: border-box; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; color: #000000; font-family: Roboto, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, 'Noto Sans', sans-serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, 'Segoe UI', 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Noto Color Emoji';" />They were so… quiet about it<br style="box-sizing: border-box; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; color: #000000; font-family: Roboto, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, 'Noto Sans', sans-serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, 'Segoe UI', 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Noto Color Emoji';" />And then the next thing you know…"
I just wanted to say that I get the reference 🙂
Glad you do
Just because you may get a difficult response isn’t a reason to avoid the conversation, especially when the other party is one of your lifelong friends.
Perhaps. But it is a reason to tread carefully rather than jump to a binary conclusion that most posters - myself included - have come to.
OP has said that she’s like a sister. If you heard a rumour that your brother-in-law was being unfaithful to your sister would you keep schtum or have a discrete word?
As above really, it depends. I know couples who I would consider both halves to be friends. But I'm struggling offhand to think of many who I'd likely stay in contact with both halves of if they were to split up. That would likely influence any action I might take. A discreet word, maybe, "mate, you know these rumours are going around?" I'd be unlikely to directly dob someone in without first having actual confirmation that it's definitely true and giving them a chance to do the right thing.
In the scenario you describe, what if the "BIL" is your best mate of 40 years? You tell your "sister," she sees her arse with him; divorce, custody battles for the kids, financial worries, homelessness even, and at some point she lets slip how she knows.
Doing the right thing might well be, well, doing the right thing but the potential for carnage is very high indeed. Up to and including losing a lifelong friend. All because, what, your mate was an idiot who wanted to get his dick wet and you just had to intervene? I'm not sure as I could live with the responsibility of that personally, I think I'd rather be grumped at for feigning ignorance. If the truth does out - as it surely will eventually - perhaps they might both need a friend to talk to, a mediator even. That's probably a better use of my time.
It's easy to take the moral highground when it's hypothetical rather than impacting real lives. As is often the case, simple questions have complex answers.
It’s easy to take the moral highground when it’s hypothetical rather than impacting real lives.
**** off Cougar, there's no way the usual suspects are taking the moral high ground! This is not the wa..oh wait. Nevermind.
Carry on.
Pretty sure voyeurism is illegal.
but it’s ok if you’re dogging.
tour the local dogging hotspots a see if you spot them
I’d be unlikely to directly dob someone in without first having actual confirmation that it’s definitely true and giving them a chance to do the right thing.
TBH who gives anyone the right to be the arbitrator of the 'right thing' ?
Effectively this is blackmailing your friend that he should do what 'you' feel is the right thing.
The thing I have learned about friends is that you have to accept them with their imperfections as they are probably extending that courtesy to you.
Effectively this is blackmailing your friend that he should do what ‘you’ feel is the right thing.
You might think that at first, but on reflection if the rumours are true then effectively your friend is blackmailing you into being untruthful to his wife. He has chosen that situation - not you and not his wife.
W+1
W+1
But unlike bikes where n+1 holds true until S-1 is reached, W+1 is also commonly equal to S according to values preached by some bloke in the desert a few thousand years ago after he went on a multi day bender up a mountain.
You might think that at first, but on reflection if the rumours are true then effectively your friend is blackmailing you into being untruthful to his wife. He has chosen that situation – not you and not his wife.
What? That's some proper mental gymnastics there.
You might think that at first, but on reflection if the rumours are true then effectively your friend is blackmailing you into being untruthful to his wife.
I disagree, if the friend is doing the dirty, he might think he's very discreet and you should have no idea... so there's no blackmail, just a lot of assumptions all round.
But I will qualify this by saying, it's a very tricky situation. I don't think there really is a correct course of action with things like this, you want to act in good faith, but as others have said, you're dammed if you do, and dammed if you don't.
The logical thing to do in such a situation would be to realise this, mentaly step back a bit, and gather more information before acting on rumour and saying something that cannot later be un-said.
I mean, ok, it does sound really fishy, but I also know how work place gossip can go from zero to a million with very little provocation.
I also know how work place gossip can go from zero to a million with very little provocation
And a singletrack discussion.
I'm all for frozen sausages from the get go and to hell with whoever gets caught in the crossfire.
I'm not actually, sounds like a very delicate situation.
I also know how work place gossip can go from zero to a million with very little provocation.
Yes you are right about that, it might be completely untrue and he deserves the chance to deal with unfounded rumours or to deal with the fact his affair has become common knowledge.
there’s no blackmail, just a lot of assumptions all round.
If you read through the previous posts about “blackmail” it is stated that in case he admits the affair then asking him to “do the right thing” is blackmail.
Let’s be clear, it is not blackmail. If he won’t “do the right thing” and he expects the OP to keep quiet about it too, then he is asking the OP to lie to the wife who is also a close friend. Nobody has precipitated that situation except him starting the affair - no matter how discrete he naively thought he would be.
@OllyTheOp! So, other than winning Thread of the Year - what's your decision as I'm keen to know which direction you went and how it turns out (sorry, yes, I know this is peoples lives but no reason we can't get some entertainment ad it unfolds!)
And a singletrack discussion.
I’m all for frozen sausages from the get go and to hell with whoever gets caught in the crossfire.
I’m not actually, sounds like a very delicate situation.
Agree, a Richmond sausage would be a very bad idea in such a delicatessen situation. You's need an artisan free range sausage for a job like that.
Or, (I've had a drink, but my idea is sound)...
politecameraactionFree Member
The coward’s halfway point between doing nothing and exploding hand grenades is speaking to Rob. I suggest you approach it Father Ted style: “I hear you’re a shagger now, Father?”
A bit of a spin on the Vince/Mia convo from pulp fiction... if the OP does decide to confront 'Rob'....
he is asking the OP to lie to the wife who is also a close friend
Except, that's not the case is it. Do you routinely go about vocalising every random thought that passes through your head to anyone who will listen? Not wanting to get involved isn't lying.
If the wife confronts the OP directly then that's a different story (and that being the case the horse has already bolted).
Let’s be clear, it is not blackmail. If he won’t “do the right thing” and he expects the OP to keep quiet about it too, then he is asking the OP to lie to the wife who is also a close friend. Nobody has precipitated that situation except him starting the affair – no matter how discrete he naively thought he would be.
Don’t forget the “dobbing bit” and “giving a chance” that’s the threat of exposure of the affair that IMHO is the blackmail bit and probably the death of the friendship.
Well assuming the traipsing around the dogging zones prove fruitless for the op.
If the wife confronts the OP directly then that’s a different story (and that being the case the horse has already bolted).
Awkward 🙂
Most definitely that’s game over if your ever asked that question,even if you answer that you didn’t think so and honestly didn’t.
who gives anyone the right to be the arbitrator of the ‘right thing’ ?
This is the scary thing about life, man, you've gotta decide for yourself.
(Unless you've got a friendly priest or rabbi, maybe you can ask them).
Do you routinely go about vocalising every random thought that passes through your head to anyone who will listen? Not wanting to get involved isn’t lying.
Also this, if you are asked a direct question from Emma or Rob, answer frankly and truthfully.
Otherwise, I would just observe for now. They might be compelling rumours, but they are just that.
Invite bob and his missus round for a roast.
Once a couple of bottles in, jovially ask Bob's missus if she's heard the rumours about her fella at his work, scoffing at the idea and watching Bob squirm.
– you may have a statutory obligation to report it (as May all the rumour spreaders)
Under what law? I didn’t think healthcare workers even had a mandatory reporting duty for neglect etc to children?
id say under rules 16 and 20 of the NMC code of conduct a nurse would have an obligation to report colleagues who were shagging in the car park when they were meant to me looking after patients, which was the implication. I’m sure other professional bodies will have similar requirements.
im not sure why suella thinks this needs beefing up, probably to try and make it seem like teachers are to blame. If I was giving her the benefit of the doubt she’s trying to make sure people report stuff that raises an eyebrow but doesn’t get acted on rather than stuff that’s bad enough for people to be whispering about. Perhaps it’s just that being struck off isn’t enough sanction for her.