Friend having an affair, maybe, wwstd?

Seems like it'll come to a head soon. I'd either be denying all knowledge or anonymously tipping off the wife.

do nothing in case it’s just rumours

This really. Maybe have a word with him and tell him of the rumours to see if he opens up about it? If he denies it then you can't really take it much further.

I’d tell him you know, and let him do the right thing and tell his wife before anybody else (you) does.

Ask him outright. You were his best man so I reckon that you and he can be honest with eachother. If it's true it's going to come out sooner or later; sooner by the sound of it.

If it's not true he needs to know. Gossip can be toxic.

Do not get involved. If you do you will become the bad guy to both parties, and that will ruin any friendship you have with both/either.

I'd be up front first and just ask him, tell him you've heard rumours and you want to hear his story before you do or say anything else. Make your position clear if it is true, that you are now in a difficult position; cursed with the knowledge and being a friend to both him and his wife, and knowing what the likely fallout will be.

Assuming it's true, make it clear you're inclined to tell his missus (soon) if he won't, as she's been your friend for longer than him and from your point of view it's only fair.

You're not picking sides, but he's clearly avoided confiding in you about it precisely because He recognises the difficulty you'd face and the odds that you'd ultimately be forced relay the information...

Make the point that he and the other woman have failed to be discrete (if that was their intention) as you've found out via workplace gossip, and thus it's more than likely all of the other affected parties are going to find out in a similar way eventually.

It's up to him how this happens, but you're not going to sit on it forever.
So he can come clean with his wife or wait for you to deliver the news, but it really is his job to come clean.

Do not get involved.

this would be my thought, but Wife won’t believe that the op knew nothing while the rest of the workplace knows.

then again, once you’re involved, there is no truth in claiming that you didn’t know

Of course if you are friendly with the wife and not married, you could approach her one night with the truth and lend her a shoulder to cry on.... Best bring a bottle of wine 😉

Two things:

1) "Apparently."

2) Neither party will thank you for intervening.

If everyone knows but you I'd keep it that way. The truth will out, it always does.

For now I would simply observe... purely as "Apparently" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in the OP.

As @dyna-ti said, it's a delicate situation.

If asked a question, then answer honestly and frankly, and allude to your suspisions, but I'd shy away from making a statement you don't know 100% is fact.

Easier said than done, I know.. I was once with a girl, and the hint I got from my best mate was, "you can do better than her, mate".

Turned out that was his way of telling me she was up to no good, but I thought she was cute and lovely, so I kinda fell out with him for slagging 'my girlfriend' off.

Tread carefull.

Of course if you are friendly with the wife and not married, you could approach her one night with the truth and lend her a shoulder to cry on…. Best bring a bottle of wine

And a Barry White CD, oh yeahh  😉

mattyfez
Full Member
Of course if you are friendly with the wife and not married, you could approach her one night with the truth and lend her a shoulder to cry on…. Best bring a bottle of wine

And a Barry White CD, oh yeahh 😉

Hell no. She's like my sister.
I'm happily married with a nice family anyway. But never. She's not my type.

But yeah, I think I'll keep quiet. Keep an ear and watch before making any move. It appears I live under a rock.

You've all been helpful. I'll update if anything happens. I'm going to play dumb. It's 0115 so it's obviously playing on my mind. Got a job interview at 1000 as well ffs.

Apparently everyone knows but me. (knew nothing)

You were happy when you didn't know. Just keep it that way.

Do not get involved.

10,000 times this.  I feel like this is a scenario that's played out since time began.

See also:  "don't slag-off your best mates fiancée".  Even if you are right/proved right.... you still lose.

I would concentrate on your plausible deniability.

If you really feel like you have to say something to somebody, I would just say to Rob: "I've been hearing some rumors at work.  Whereas I obviously know that they're not true, but I wanted to let you know that there are some rumors doing the rounds about you and Doris from accounts."

leave it at that - no conversation, no discussion - just a simple statement from you (maybe even a text), that he can either take as you informing him that there are some spurious rumours doing the rounds which he needs to address, or that the proverbial cat is out of the bag, and he needs to get ahead of the inevitable shit-storm.

I would concentrate on your plausible deniability.

If you really feel like you have to say something to somebody, I would just say to Rob: “I’ve been hearing some rumors at work. Whereas I obviously know that they’re not true, but I wanted to let you know that there are some rumors doing the rounds about you and Doris from accounts. grumble about it on an anonymous internet forum and then leave it at that.”

FTFY

Bollox to " don't get involved"

Its a simple question   if you were the wife would you want to know?  Of course.  The only right thing to do is to tell him that you know and if he does not tell his wife you will

The only side to be on is the side of truth and honesty.

If you dont tell her you are complicit in his lies and deceit

Not to tell her is cowardly

I think that argument is just the triumph of idealism over realism TJ, and I mean absolutely no disrespect in that.

As I said, this has played out over and over and over, and (in those cases that I'm aware of) far from the person who's trying to do the right thing being recognized as doing so.... more often they end-up being cast as the bad guy by both sides, and lose both friends.

if you were the wife would you want to know?

It's more complicated that that.  Instead you have to ask:  would either of them want you to bring the issue to a head on their behalf?

She probably knows (or suspects already), and he probably knows that she does.  Do you really want to be the one who kicks over this finely balanced house of cards?

It's obviously easier if you feel much more affiliated to one side or the other - but not in this case.

Apparently he’s banging one of nurses on the adjacent ward.
Apparently he disappears at night to his car when she’s on shift “cause his back hurts”

Assume from this it's NHS, if so, and they are carrying on like this in work hours it's most likely disciplinary action for them both and quite possibly a referral to the NMC for her. I don't know his role but if professional medical then similar situation may apply.

If a so called friend knew and didn't tell me id be really betrayed. Wouldn't you want to know. Doesn't she have the right to know. You've known her since childhood ffs. Tell her what you've heard

As some have said, have a honest conversation with Rob - no accusations, just talk about the rumours you've heard and that your worried about both him and his wife. Explain your position and how it makes you feel being caught in the middle and leave it at that.

It's easy to point the finger at Rob, but there's probably more to this situation than you know, you said it's not the happiest marriage so maybe things are just coming to a head.

You're in a tough spot but it's not up to you to fix their relationship. Giving him ultimatums or threatening to tell her will just make you the bad guy.

In the end you may lose one or both of them as friends, hopefully not...

Morning!

Well.

All I can think to do is the following:

Not tell the wife yet. I can't go throwing accusations with no proof. I could be a home wrecker.
I could ruin a home. Selfishly I could ruin my life long friendships.

See what is going on when I'm next in work.

Talk to him and ask if rumours are true. If so that he needs to do the honourable thing.
If it's not true he needs to tell her either way as I can't be complicit to a rumour or a truth.

I agree, she needs to know.
It does need to be the truth beforehand.

I'll soon know if he's said anything to her.

Thanks for the opinions. I talked to my wife last night. Seems we all think the same and are torn on actions.

If a best friend I'd known since I was 5 kept this kind of secret from me the friendship would highly likely be over.

Speak to her husband and tell him to inform his wife or you will.

I don't think you'll win in this situation, you'll piss someone off either way.

If he'd done a better job of keeping it a secret you wouldn't be in this position, so it's on him.

Seems like it’ll come to a head soon.

Sounds like it already has….

100% you are not the bad guy. It's him. Allegedly.

She’s like my sister

Would you tell your sister what was happening?

You already know to much to deny knowledge even if it's just rumours. Ask him. If it's true then it's ultimatum time for him to tell her and give him a timescale. If he doesn't stick to it then speak with the wife.

It Is None Of Your Business.

One of two things is going to happen. Rob will tell his wife that he's leaving her, or Rob's wife will find out because Rob's dick is doing all the thinking for him right now. At that point they'll need your friendship, and currently you're neutral. If you tell Rob's wife, your friendship with him is gone for ever. If you tell him do the right thing and come clean and he leaves her, your friendship with her and probably him as well will be gone forever.

What other people do with their own body parts in their own spare time is, I repeat, none of your business.

I talked to my wife last night.

That was my first thought.

I'm all for the "Rob, is anything going on?" talk.

... this is like a soap opera.

Yeah, I don't agree with the "don't get involved" crowd when you've known the person potentially being cheated on for that long. I'd want to know if I was her but also agree you should confront him first and if it's true give him an ultimatum to tell her (although admittedly I'm not sure what the plan would be if he denies it and the only evidence you have is workplace rumours). If it's true and it goes on to sour your relationship with her then that would have happened anyway, once the truth came out, even if you weren't involved at all.

I'd ignore anyone telling you to spill the beans/confront; it's very easy to throw that out there when you have zero emotional connection to the issue and working from a position of moral superiority with no dog in the fight. If you felt that strongly you'd have done this already.

If true, you have the potential to lose one or both as friends, the minute you got that insight was the minute the outcome changed, you won't be coming out of this unscathed so chose your actions wisely to limit the damage.

but also agree you should confront him first and if it’s true give him an ultimatum

For what purpose? Rob's wife is going to find out. All you're doing here is being the person that either tells Rob's wife that her marriage is over, or you're the reason why Rob's wife finds out her marriage is over. Either way you loose one or both or these friends. Their marriage is finished already, if you want to have some hope of retaining either or both of their friendships, then do not stick your nose into their business.

Edit: If either of these people ask for your advice, then feel free to be as honest as you feel, but until/if that happens, It Is None Of Your Business.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Id keep out of it

It's a tricky situation that can't really be 'won' as such.

Personally, in this situation I'd be (when the moment is right), having a word with the husband and simply say I've been hearing around the 'ward, hospital, whatever' that  you're messing about with one of the nurses behind your wifes back' - and go quiet.

No immediate threats of 'I'll tell her if you don't', or outright accusations, just go quiet and see what he does.

What happens next is down to him, and you can make your next move accordingly.

Hopefully, as you've known him for many years, you'll get a feel for the situation by his body language and first response, which is why it is important to ask him away from a pressure situation or crowd etc.

How you handle what comes back from him will be down to your own thoughts and interpretation but going into the discussion openly and without an agenda is probably the best action from you.

Maybe keep your nose out of other peoples business? For all you know the wife already knows what’s happening and is waiting for the fling to end and not destroy the marriage. Or any one of a number of other possibilities that are more subtle than you can appreciate from outside.

Two things:

1) “Apparently.”

2) Neither party will thank you for intervening.

If everyone knows but you I’d keep it that way. The truth will out, it always does.

3) He’s a big boy and can do what he wants as he will be owning the consequences.

TBH I’m always amazed how naive people are on these types of thread, lobbing hand grenades at peoples marriages rarely plays out well, is it some indoctrination you get watching soap operas or something 🙂

You can hold an opinion on it and tell your friend you don’t like what he’s doing but other than that it’s not your business.

Been to this rodeo a few times.

People are people are people.

Yeah, I agree you need to speak to him to find out the truth.

He should be the one telling his wife, but if he doesn't you may need to step in. I suppose it depends which one you'd rather have as a friend after the divorce....

I’m in the stay out of it as it’s none of your business side - no one outside a marriage ever really knows what goes on within a marriage so leave them to sort their lives out.

While i can see the "not your business" argument, do you want to lose one or both of the friendships?

Personally, I'd be telling him you've heard the rumours, and if it's true it puts you in a bad spot. See if he can find a solution for all concerned.

Affairs are always messy, no one knows what goes on inside a marriage, you only ever see/hear one side of it at best, especially if the couple are putting out a public front.

OP, the only scenario I can see where you come out of this and keep both as friends is if their marriage continues.

If their marriage breaks down, then you’re likely going to end up on one side or the other anyway.

Your problem is that if the situation continues as it currently is, then I’m afraid that it’s very unlikely that you’ll avoid becoming complicit.

Unless you avoid being alone with the wife (which would likely be suspicious in itself) it’s likely that the subject will come up at some point anyway, either before, or after the fact. Then you’ll either have to tell the truth or lie. As you’ve already told your wife, it’s unlikely you’ll get away with a lie.

Bottom line is, that you’ve got to pick a side.

There is no “not getting involved” here. You’re already involved because of what you know. It’s not fair, but that’s on Rob, not on you. When we choose not to get involved when someone is doing something that we think is wrong, we’re actually colluding with them.

That doesn’t mean you have to jump in with both feet and ultimatums etc.

I’d have a private conversation with Rob. “Mate, it’s none of my business, but I think you should know…” and see what he says.

If he denies it outright then you’re in a slightly better position, because you can choose to believe him.

Whatever he says I’d follow up with the “this puts me in a difficult position because I’m not prepared to lie to your wife if it comes up in conversation, which I think it could do.”

Know what your boundaries are. For me, trust in any relationship is hard earned and easily lost.

I wouldn’t be prepared to lie to one of my oldest friends either in collusion or by omission.

I’m afraid to say, that whatever happens here, there’s a strong possibility that you lose one or both friends anyway.

lobbing hand grenades at peoples marriages rarely plays out well

Rob has already thrown the hand grenade. No blame can be leveled at the op.
It's whether or not the op let's everyone know that the pin is out is the question.

Only the Op will know that.

do you want to lose one or both of the friendships?

Sadly I suspect that is a likely outcome whatever you decide to do.

Now I've flipped from ultimatum to burying head in sand and practicing the poker face. Just let them sort it out. Job done. Thread over. Right what am I going to have for breakfast...

For a moment with all the references to Rob I thought I was back on The Archers thread from a while back.

https://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/i-reckon-rob-is-poisoning-her/

Invidious position. I'd be inclined to stay well clear. You don't know what goes on in other people's lives and you don't know if the wife isn't giving the ferret a run with the coal merchant.

When my marriage was going wrong a close mate knew much but kept completely neutral and that was a great support. Problem is, we fell out over Johnson and haven't spoken since.

I personally would keep well out of it.

Yes one half is doing something wrong, but happy marriages are dependent on both parties, its rarely just one sided (not suggesting the Mrs is doing the same etc)

Maybe its just the area. But a local NHS hospital the Chief Exec was having an affair with a nurse. Another local hospital it was commonly known that if you wanted to climb the career ladder you slept with the female COO.

Another local hospital it was commonly known that if you wanted to climb the career ladder you slept with the female COO.

Any openings jobs going there? Asking for a friend

Would that involve rising up the greasy pole?

Would that involve rising up the greasy pole?

She's actually Latvian...

for me, because the whispers have landed at your door ('everyone at work asking me about rob'), and assuming you do care about them still, I don't think it can be ignored any longer and I'd have a non-confrontational word with him -  'mate, what's all these rumours about?' - give him a chance to wake up and sort it out.

It's the wife that needs all the consideration, if the rumours are true then she needs to know asap given it's all over your place of work, if it's not true then someone (HR etc) needs to shut it all down, either way those two need to deal with it asap.

Wonder how much the husband of said lady knows?  Wonder if he'll turn up, kicking up a stink?

Getting him to lob the grenade would avoid you getting involved ,directly, and maintain your neutrality...

I'd just say 'listen Rob, I've heard rumours...' and leave it at that. If he is having an affair, he knows he's been caught, and he knows you're close to his wife - so ball is in his court. If not, he can put you right.
OP you've had both extremes of advice and everything in the middle. Good luck to you - you obviously care about both Rob and his missus, so not a nice position to be in.
I think we'd all appreciate an update at some stage though!

Would it not be hugely selfish of the OP to say nothing and pretend he hadn't heard anything, in the hope that he manages to stay friends with this couple?

OP, if you don't say something will you be wracked by guilt? If the wife finds out from another source, she's highly likely to assume you knew as you're a good mate of the husband and work at the same place, so chances are you'll be off her Christmas card list anyway.

Do you want to be friends with the husband now anyway?

FWIW I was the subject of the same rumours at a previous employer and they were totally unfounded, so the words maybe and allegedly are highly relevant here.

I'm with the 'talk to Rob' crew, just say you've heard, and is it true.

I’d just say ‘listen Rob, I’ve heard rumours…’ and leave it at that.

This. It's not like youve been spying, it's colleagues coming to you asking!

FWIW I was the subject of the same rumours at a previous employer and they were totally unfounded, so the words maybe and allegedly are highly relevant here.

If I was going to approach him I think I'd go along the line of "I thought I'd better let you know there are these rumours going around...", non-accusatory or confrontational if possibly a little transparent.

@chvck - exactly. Once I knew of the rumours I was able to resolve the situation.

Yup, +1 for chvck approach.  No accusation, no request for clarification or the truth.   Best case he admits and you set the ultimatum that he tells his wife/your friend before you do.  Worst case you are still in the "just rumours, nothing confirmed to me" and your mate gets a kick in the arse to sort his s%£* out

NickC

For what purpose? Rob’s wife is going to find out. All you’re doing here is being the person that either tells Rob’s wife that her marriage is over, or you’re the reason why Rob’s wife finds out her marriage is over. Either way you loose one or both or these friends. Their marriage is finished already, if you want to have some hope of retaining either or both of their friendships, then do not stick your nose into their business.

Edit: If either of these people ask for your advice, then feel free to be as honest as you feel, but until/if that happens, It Is None Of Your Business.

TLDR but I see no mention of kids... that would be my only real thing caused a deviation from your advice.

I'd just add there are other scenarios as well.. not that changes your advice IMHO.

Timba

Would you tell your sister what was happening?

My mum didn't ... the work affair drizzled out and Aunt and Uncle and kids all got on with life together.

She might be having her own affair ... or has in the past... or simply not care or prefers not to know where he shoves his dick.

Nickc

If either of these people ask for your advice, then feel free to be as honest as you feel

Just to add to that, if either of them do ask your advice then it has to be on the understanding they are totally honest to you IF you want to give IMPARTIAL advice.

That is going to then come with some awkward questions your going to have to ask them.

I'd suggest you actually think what questions you'd need to know honest answers to before you jump in.

I think fundamentally that depends on or boils down to "Why are you still together after 17 years and what do they actually want for the next 17?" but that is likely to be quiet messy.

Best case he admits

No. Best case is it's just rumours and there's nothing going on.

Fair point.  Then he can raise it to HR who can send out a strongly worded email about the damage of false gossip

Would it not be hugely selfish of the OP to say nothing and pretend he hadn’t heard anything

It's none of your business. The people involved in this are Rob and his wife - and maybe the woman that rob is shagging, but mostly Rob and his wife. It's their mess to sort out and no one else's. The selfish act is making it your business to shove yourself into the centre of some-one else's life, as if it's all about you. It's not.

You're their friend, and that's it. You can offer advice (if it's asked for) or a shoulder to cry on. End

we fell out over Johnson

That's why many marriages end isn't it.....

I think a friend would tell him about the Rumours because as Scotroutes says they may not be true.  If a mate of mine was the subject of inuendo about his bad back at work I’d let him know.  Now you probably need to have a plan for all the likely scenarios:

- he flatly denies it and you believe him,

- he flatly denies is and you don’t believe him,

- he admits it and asks you not to tell his missus,

- he admits it and asks you to break it to the missus,

- he admits it, says he’ll end it and says missus doesn’t need to know

- he admits it, says missus is aware, and is ok with it

- he says missus has been shagging John from accounts for 2 years so nobody needs to know

bear in mind that if they are shagging at work when they are supposed to be looking after patients:

- you may have a statutory obligation to report it (as May all the rumour spreaders)

- if one day a patient dies and the question gets asked who knew what - “none of my business” might not have the same ring to it!

– you may have a statutory obligation to report it (as May all the rumour spreaders)

– if one day a patient dies and the question gets asked who knew what – “none of my business” might not have the same ring to it!

Obviously, if this is the case - or indeed it is just gross misconduct by shagging at work any plausible deniability for the OP goes out the window as soon as it’s confirmed to him and the OP then has to report them both to management. At my work failing to report significant misconduct would be an offence in its own right.

– he admits it and asks you to break it to the missus,

F*** that! Doesn't matter how good a friend you are 😂

My view is that it just comes down to your relationship with the wife. Whether it's close enough that you feel you have to get involved/say something.

Nobody but you knows that.

There's certainly no moral imperative either way.

Poly just wrote most of what I was about to.

To all those saying "I'd want to know," I don't doubt it. But would you thank the messenger?

However you approach this, you're taking sides. You mention it to Rob - and "there are rumours" is better than "what's going on" because it's none of your beeswax - and he goes "cheers for the heads up, I'll be more careful to cover my tracks." Or you mention it to the wife (does she have a name which isn't real also? let's call her Emma), is there a positive outcome you can foresee for all three of you in this scenario?

You said yourself, you have no evidence. So what you're considering is nothing more than spreading malicious gossip. What if it's wrong? You go to Emma and tell her about these rumours of Rob hanging out of the back of Doris in the stationery cupboard at lunch, it later comes out in the wash that they've secretly been playing Cribbage. Then what? You can't un-plant that seed of doubt.

Do you even know they aren't in an open relationship?

Unless there's violence or the chance of violence, avoid domestics like the plague, i doubt she's daft, she lives with him and will know the changes and signs, but more than likely either setting herself up for a split, or burying her head about it.

ChatGPT says:

Discovering such information about a close friend can be challenging and emotionally charged. Here are some steps you can consider taking:

Ultimately, your approach should be based on your assessment of the situation and your understanding of your friends' personalities and needs. Prioritize their well-being and the preservation of their privacy while offering support as a friend.

Straight out of the mouth of chatGPT - and probs the free version, and not the paid for newer version, which is some-how worse. 🤣

haha, you updated your post. I thought I recognised it's style!

wwstd?

This stwer would keep my ****ing nose out of someone else's marriage. I wasn't even comfortable with my own brother asking for advice, let alone a friend. (Plus, of course, the complete opposite of what Knowitall no.1 says on stw)

ChatGPT does get one thing right - "Ultimately, your approach should be based on your assessment of the situation and your understanding of your friends’ personalities and needs". Everyone is different. (Have I said that before?)

Haha, yea I thought it sounded very generic, it's obviously taken the entire archive of Dear Deadrie into it's reference material.

My advice would stop sticking your nose in. At what point did you consider their sex life became any of your business. Unless you've been swinging with them then it's not.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-67003278

Do not involve yourself.
It has nothing to do with you.

"playing for Real Madrid" is the strangest euphemism.

OK, here's another take on it (I don't think it's been covered, apologies if so)

You're in 'Emma's' shoes -  you find out one of your best friends knew something wasn't right (rumour or otherwise) and they stood back and did nothing.  Yes I know everyone is different, that's why it's a question

If the wife does find out by whatever means and it turns out other factors are involved (she knew, she was up to something, whatever) and is fine with it, at least she knows you had her back.

If the wife finds out and she isn't ok with it, at least she knows you had her back and you're there for her.

I'm not suggesting going in and telling her.  I'd like to think that in such a scenario that someone, let alone my friend would have a word with Rob and at least ask (not accuse) him what was going on and if it is untoward, maybe suggest he not be such a Dick

I think most people would intervene if they knew of harmful behaviour; isn't this (allegedly and potentially) harmful?

Edit to say: No judgement on you btw.  There is no right and wrong in this situation.  Just wanted to throw another viewpoint in 👍

As a friend I'd tell him about workplace rumours anyway so that he wouldn't lose his job due those. Other part is more sensitive but it might come up in discussion about work matters.