[Closed] Found cocaine in wifes handbag. Kids currently living with her. Panicked.

Tonight after she's gone to bed I take a good look - from close looking and comparing to some internet pics I'm 90% sure it's Cocaine.

It's more likely to be Phenacetin sold as Cocaine. The stuff is cut so much these days, all you're buying is dental anaesthetics with a trace of cocaine at best. It gives the right tingly sensation so passes the 'Kojak' test, and the rest of the hit is just self induced.

Not that it's much consolation.

1) You've moved class A drugs, so you can now get done for possession - even if they were hers. Don't get done because you were being a hero for an idiot woman. I guess you're not comfortable with Class A's and a little clueless about this, as you had to do a google search.

2) Yes, approach her first - if not I reckon it will be the Jeremy Kyle option.

Send it to me and I'll test it and tell you what it is.

That's a horrible situation. I've no suggestions either I'm afraid, but I hope you find a way through.

...get the hookers in and test it out ?*

* sorry I know really bad taste- talk to her you don't want your children round her if she is taking.

Good luck

It's gone now BTW - burned it in the fire after taking some photos for evidence once the kids were in bed.

She calls me midday-ish to ask If I've gone through her handbag as some of her daily meds are missing - I deny it of course.

I'm not you, so:

I'd have

- admitted taking the stuff
- apologised for going through the handbag and offered to refund whatever it had cost as I'd flushed it down the toilet in panic.
- asked if there was anything I could do to help as the contents of her handbag suggested a need for help.
- threatened nothing
- offered to look after the kids more if that helped.

edit: I see we agree on the best thing to do with the stuff.

Now, I understand the not being able to sleep symptom but can't compute the other symptoms with coke.

- apologised for going through the handbag and offered to refund whatever it had cost as I'd flushed it down the toilet in panic.

I like drugs.

I have no time for selfish junkies with kids though, being soft with them will get you nowhere.

You have to get social services involved, you owe it to your children. Whatever that substance is, and you've got no way of knowing what it is by looking at it and researching it on the internet, you're bigger issue is that your ex is clearly not coping. You need to put your children first over everything else.

Let's say you confront your ex and it goes well and then further down the line her problem gets worse and something happens to her or your kids. Or lets say it goes badly and then the problem is accelerated.

Either way, not having back up with social services leaves you wide open.

Is there any reason you can't step in and take them with you?

Could it be spice? [url] https://spiceaddictionsupport.org/side-effects-of-spice-use/ ][/url]

I would speak to a solicitor to see what you can do quickly and legally, if she claims she's not on drugs it can be easily tested.
Good luck.

- admitted taking the stuff
- apologised for going through the handbag and offered to refund whatever it had cost as I'd flushed it down the toilet in panic.
- asked if there was anything I could do to help as the contents of her handbag suggested a need for help.
- threatened nothing
- offered to look after the kids more if that helped.

Thanks Edukator - nice clear thinking. That is quite likely to be broadly the approach for tomorrows conversation. (At the time she called I was with the kids in a cafe - so no opportunity to talk openly, and I also need some time to thing about what to do).

If there were no other concerns then this maybe is not so big a deal and can be dealt with with a little support- but with the overall pattern of behavior I think the kids need to be with me not her in the short term at least.
I ideally want her to buy into this as an act of support, help and kindness - not as the start of a custody battle but need to balance this with being too soft and she says no.

Bear in mind that this was in her handbag along with two strong anti-depressants and some sweets and she leaves the handbag on the floor at home, so no child-proof containers, not out of reach etc - she trusts the kids to know not to take any medicine. They are 3 and 4 yrs old...

How old are your kids?
If she's carrying on holding down a job and the kids are well let her carry on with her drug taking if she likes. It's not that big a deal. I'd let her know you know though and have a very frank conversation about it.

Is there any reason you can't step in and take them with you?

None at all, other than her not agreeing with it. I would personally prefer them to be with me and she knows it - they're with her because that's what she wants / thinks should happen.

Drugs don't always make people bad parents. A single parent friend was a heroin addict eventually dying of AIDS as a result. It didn't stop her bringing up her daughter to be a great person. People can be functioning alcoholics (we have one with kids on here and I don't remember anyone suggesting we should contact social services) and functioning drug addicts (prescription and/or illegal). Judge on behavior not other issues. Some people harm their kids stone cold sober, others love them to bits whilst in an alternative state. Give her the benefit of any doubt.

Edit: seeing the age of the kids I agree you should be very clear that she needs to keep all meds/drugs legal or otherwise out of the reach of the kids and ask her not to be seen taking them to avoid immitation.

let her carry on with her drug taking if she likes

You have to get social services involved, you owe it to your children

I am not sure how having your kids interviewed by social workers is necessarily the best thing for them at this moment in time

Drugs aside she does not seem to be coping well so either offer support or offer a stick as you see fit

Best of luck

She's got the kids in the house with her for crying out loud! He needs to protect his children

Are they all unfit parents because of this?

Never seen coke in bags with bob marley on it,sounds like one of these new crap 'legal' things,not saying that's any better though,hope things work out for you must be stressfull.

Lots of parents have drugs in the house ranging from legal alcohol to illegal cocaine

Seriously Junky? Have you got kids?

At this stage i would advise managing it. or at least trying to, within the family before pressing the nuclear button

It doesn't have to be a nuclear button, it's simply getting external help, which is what is probably needed. Social services' objective is not to detonate the family, they put the children's needs first and in most cases that means supporting the parents to be the primary carers.

Just to be clear - leaving her to it with the kids is not an option.

The drug taking itself (IF it's real - bear in mind it might not be) is not in itself the issue.
It's this combined the behavioral issues I mentioned in the first post - not getting out of bed during the weekend days - the lack of attention to child safety e.g. pills within reach of the kids etc.

Essentially - as mentioned above "she's clearly not coping". I owe it to her and the kids to help her cope and to support her getting herself out of the hole she's clearly in. This mornings revelation seems to me to suggest she's digging the hole deeper rather than being stable or on an upward trend.

The kids spending the bulk of their time with me seems to be the best way. She's not enjoying the time in the week with them anyway. BTW - before we split I looked after them all week as she stayed away 2-3 nights a week as her work is a couple of hours drive away from home. The kids and I used to have fun during the week. Hard work but rewarding and satisfying.

EDIT - yes, managing within the family is my aim if it can be made to work / not backfire later. Am thinking a lot about this. Hence this thread. I love the diverse and largely sensible voices. Even / especially the non-sensible ones.

Junkyard,
It's the symptoms of her drug taking that's the problem and the fact she just leaves them in easy reach. She doesn't sound like a recreational user, she sounds like an addict on a downward spiral.
The children's safety and well-being should always come first.

I took more trouble to keep disinfectants, acids, solvents, oils, cleaning products, bleach etc. out of reach of junior than any meds. I was more worried about paracetamol than anything else as Madame and her mother usually had a fatal-to-a-child dose lying around in their handbags.

She sounds in a desperate state. Offer help, say you want the kids. Good luck

It could be a non-issue, or it could be a serious issue. I wouldn't get too hung up on the coke alone - I know plenty of good parents who like a sniff at weekends.

That said, if it's out of control and her mental state is suffering, then it is an issue. I'd suggest trying to assess the situation more on a personal level if she's approachable - or via friends if not.

Social services has to be the very last option if you really think the kids are in danger

*edit - just seen your latest post and maybe she does need help, but again, social services have to be the last option.

How practical is it for you to have the kids more in the week, OP? If you have more time for them they may benefit but if they just spend time with a carer as when with their mother you might be disturbing a status quo that works even if not perfect. How can things be organised when the kids start school? I'm just posting considerations rather than real questions so no need to answer.

don't go all "reefer madness" and panic

Her behaviour does sound troubling tho. I am not convinced its cocaine and "legal highs" no linger exist as they are now illegal but sounds possible. Sounds more like amphetamine to me. The behaviour does not sound like cocaine induced - more like amphetamine but could be one of the new psychoactives.

I'd go with the approach of - "we need to talk, I know I shouldn't have done it but I found something suspicious in your handbag and I am very worried about your behaviour" Make sure she has room to confess tho ie that she knows truthfulness from her gets your support but lies will not.

From her answers you will get some indication of what to do next ie if she confesses, admits an issue, then support might be the best way forward. Denial then its tough love time

Large % of the population take or have taken drugs at some point in their lives - some estimates around 50%. In some professions its absolutely rife.

Nasty situation

confront her but in sorrow not anger and offer support in return for the truth is my view.

Your wife enjoys a stripe or two. Time to get the daily mail involved.

What year is this again...?

Seems to be a whole lot of naivety about cocaine on this thread.

she just leaves them in easy reach.

I find tucked in a side zip pocket a small ziploc bag

no one is saying ignore it I merely suggested attempting to manage it within the family before involving external agencies at this time is not necessarily the best choice though it is clearly on the table and inevitable if she does not act

Lots of parents have drugs in the house ranging from legal alcohol to illegal cocaine
Seriously Junky? Have you got kids?

Are they all unfit parents?

I have worked for social services in child protection sp thanks for the explanation of what they do...I can sense the horror in you already and you have not even read it yet!

its not simply they take drugs ergot they MUST be unfit or millions of folks would be losing their kids.

Clearly this parent is struggling and, they never do, I cannot see how drug use is helping.

OP offer to have the kids more, maybe full time for a bit ? You didn't say how old ?

Au Pairs are not Nanny's btw, more just occasional chold care as an assitant to the parents plus a bit of cleaning etc.

The sores could well be due to stress and side effects. You can take a lot of Cocaine with no noticable side effects, popular drug with high fkying types inc in business and hi level professional sports for that reason. I say this as physical symptoms you are notocing are possibly not from that.

Junky and I don't agree of too much but he's absolutely right about recreational drugs and parents. I've known more than a few with everything from wacky backy to cocaine kept and used at home.

As noted above, depends how old the kids are; advice would be different if they're 15 and 13 vs 5 and 3

However, seeing their age I think you need to confront her with the evidence and give her one chance to give a proper explanation / find a solution you're happy with (which by the sounds of it means you having the kids while she gets sorted), otherwise it has to be escalated with a view to having that situation officiallised (I know it's not a word but I've had a beer - with kids in the house too!!)

I truly feel for you man and feel very lucky that my kid's mum is who she is. But at the very worst, it's a bit of coke, not the end of the world by any stretch.

Not ideal, but at least it's not smack. Or Vodka which would be a much worse but more acceptable discovery. If you've recently split up, chances are she's having a crappy time. Perhaps it's just a temporary coping measure, whatever the substance is?

OP offer to have the kids more, maybe full time for a bit ? You didn't say how old ?

#jambafact 😉

They are 3 and 4 yrs old...

The coke just sounds like a sympton of her inability to cope, so I really wouldn't make a deal out of it. tbh I probably wouldn't even mention it. It's her choice at the end of the day.

You are right to be concerned about your children, but as I say, main problem here sounds like her inability to cope that anything else, so probly take that tact rather than getting into a discussion about the rights and wrongs of drugs.

She might even be glad of the break?

You can take a lot of Cocaine with no noticable side effects

What? Nobody said anything about taking loads of coke. It's a small amount of an unidentified powder. We're not talking about an addict yet.

EDIT: sorry, misread that. Yes you can but eventually your nose will blow up and your behaviour will out you. Nothing more annoying than a coke head down the pub

Mr Frustrateddad - all I can say is that you seem more than capable of dealing with this situation.

I'm not in your situation mind you, but your outlook is just how I'd like to think I would deal with it.

The whole support approach is definitely the way to go, and if it goes so far that it isn't any more, then you will have already realised that and taken any additional steps needed - doesn't sound like your kids aren't in danger, as some of the drama above (and no doubt below) would suggest, but you clearly just want their Mum in best shape for their sake, and also hers, 'cos you seem like the decent sort like that.

Christ knows why you've come here for advice 🙂

You are right to be concerned about your children, but as I say, main problem her sounds like her inability to cope that anything else, so probly take that tact rather than getting into a discussion about the rights and wrongs of drugs.

She might even be glad of the break?

You've summed it up well, thanks !

Christ knows why you've come here for advice

Cause it validated the real way I got rid of it (see post #6)

The more I think about it the less likely it is to be coke - the behaviour is not right and to take enough coke to mess you up to that extent takes a lot of money - hundreds of pounds a week for months on end

Likely to be ampthetamine which is nasty or a modern synthetic which are much nastier

cocaine is not addictive which is good. Nor is amphetamine. Synthetics? No one really knows

STW is a good place for advice - you will get a range of opinions andsome folk will have knowledge of the subject.

frustrateddad - Member
You are right to be concerned about your children, but as I say, main problem her sounds like her inability to cope that anything else, so probly take that tact rather than getting into a discussion about the rights and wrongs of drugs.
She might even be glad of the break?

You've summed it up well, thanks !

Dunno, i'm far from an expert, just chucking out ideas, i'd think a diplomatic approach is definitely the way to go rather than confronting someone that is stressed, confrontation will just compound that further i guess. Might even be easier to speak to her about it, if you intend to(again only you can judge that), after she's been kid free for a bit.

I think mate you need the Kids to stay wth you for a bit, help her by all means but the Kids need to be away from that.

Obviously you don't find sugar in little bags with Bob Marley logos on so that's one issue which has produced some interesting reactions on the thread. Don't let that blind you to other possibilities. I know one woman who went through a very bad patch with a menopause at 35. She might be ill. She may have an STD.

If you're separated she might consider it's no longer really your business so long as she can cope and be less than forthcoming. Again give her the benefit of any doubt and there to make her life easier rather than more complicated. It's in everyone's interest that she gets better. If you can prop her up rather than put her down I can't see anyone losing out.

Christ knows why you've come here for advice

STW is a good place for advice - you will get a range of opinions and some folk will have knowledge of the subject.

OK, really it's this - TJ has hit the nail on the head.

frustrateddad - Member
OK, really it's this - [b]TJ has hit the nail on the head.[/b]

Beginning to doubt the veracity of the OP now, he's clearly a fantasist! 😆 😉

cocaine is not addictive which is good.

[img] [/img]

[img] [/img]

Tom_W1987 - Member
cocaine is not addictive which is good.

I also know many weekend warriors that are far from addiction.

Cause it validated the real way I got rid of it (see post #6)

Um, ok. Was just a light-hearted pun, but carry on.

frustrateddad - Member
OK, really it's this - TJ has hit the nail on the head.
Beginning to doubt the veracity of the OP now, he's clearly an fantasist!

The thought did occur...

Tom - you claim to know about medical stuff. If you did yo would know cocaine is not addictive. this is a fact.

Source for that frankly ridiculous image?

You know I have worked in drug rehab? heavy cocaine users can stop overnight with nothing bar being alittle sleepy and irritable for a few days. heavy benzo users have fits and die without chemotherapy to taper them down ditto alcohol users. Methodone is MORE addictive than heroin. cocaine users require nothing to taper them down because its not addictive.

That hchart even has lsd as addictive - absolutly impossible - you cannot stay high on lsd for more than a few days as tolerance build so fast. probably fry your brain if you tried tho. acid casualties are easy to spot. As are heavy cocaine users and yes its damaging indeed but its complete "reefer madness" to claim its addictive

the indicator of addiction is are there withdrawal effects. cocaine has none bar the very minor irritableness

You really should find out about things before you mock on the basis of your ignorance and assumptions.

#tom - I suggest you use David Nutts excellent work on drugs to gain a little understanding

LSD is close to the bottom.

Pretty much every clinical study ever, backs up that chart showing coke as one of the more addictive drugs.

well first of all you cany identify cocaine from a pic on the internet

I work ina lab and could probably offer you 20 powders that would look just like coke

and as said above it could be cut with anything and/or a legalish high

that aside its obviously something dodgy, she sounds like shes in bad state regardless

she obviously needs some sort of help, whether she genuinely wants it and is willing to sort things out determines how you should proceed regarding the kids

Tom_W1987 - Member
LSD is close to the bottom.

Pretty much every clinical study ever, backs up that chart.

I always stop it overnight, usually when my half O has ran out with little more than a bit of lethargy the next day, and go months and months without even thinking about it...

The graph is utter nonsense.

I would keep the kids at yours for now and speak to her and try and get things sorted, you really wouldn't want to send them back and for something to go really tits up and your regret that forever.

Im not talking about the drugs necessarily just sending them into a situation where she isnt coping. I Would try my hardest to keep social services out of it if possible (1st hand experience tells me they will make things difficult for all of you for a long time if they get involved).

If you say you are having them and she needs time to sort herself out then I cant see that being unreasonable.

Good luck

it also puts dope lower than alcohol...so it's getting something right...your own personal experience doesn't really count in the grand scheme of things....if you're trying to quantify relative addiction risk between substances.

Tom - complete bullshit. source for that chart please.

someone who has been taking large quantities of cocaine for a long time can stop overnight with no withdrawal. lack of withdrawal means its not addictive unless you use a definition of addiction that includes being addicted to playing bridge or birdwatching

I prefer a proper definition of addiction not some made up reefer madness nonsense

Am I wrong to think that people do get psycologically dependent on coke though?.Genuine question..

OP. I feel for your situation, good luck.

Tom_W1987 - Member
it also puts dope lower than alcohol...so it's getting something right...your own personal experience doesn't really count in the grand scheme of things.

http://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(07)60464-4/abstract

Lancet, lot's of other newer ones to back that up as well.

TheDTs - Member
Am I wrong to think that people do get psychologically dependent on coke though?.

Tom - I have proper professional knowledge of this and have studied it a lot as its an area of interest to me.

someone who has been taking large quantities of cocaine for a long time can stop overnight with no withdrawal. lack of withdrawal means its not addictive unless you use a definition of addiction that includes being addicted to playing bridge or birdwatching

Really? lol

I'm not sure doctors would have to prescribe anti-convulsants then.

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/14651858.CD006754.pub3/abstract;jsessionid=B693D21BBF0DBE532425D0076FD5C699.f04t04

source for the chart please. it contradicts Nutts excellent work

However - you know what. your mix of arrogance and ignorance is pretty unpleasant. Pointless debating with someone who behaves like you

Spent the last hour on the phone with a good friend of hers - pretty much settled on the "constructive help" approach.

She's going away with her Dad and the kids for a few nights next week already - so he can keep an eye out for short term safety concerns, then they're with me for the Easter weekend anyway.

I'll be having a talk with her tomorrow night about all this - focussing on the "coping" stuff - my aim being they come to me for a few weeks after Easter - gives her a break and time to think. Maybe longer term (would be my preference).

We can't split the week 50/50 as we live over an hour apart (her choice to move so far away).

Some interesting reading here...

http://www.health.gov.au/internet/publications/publishing.nsf/Content/drugtreat-pubs-modpsy-toc~drugtreat-pubs-modpsy-3~drugtreat-pubs-modpsy-3-7~drugtreat-pubs-modpsy-3-7-cws

cool, good to hear you've decided on an approach, good luck with it all!

Good stuff frustrated Dad - I think thats the right approach here.

yes Tom- and it completely contradicts your assertions

" No participants required medication during the withdrawal and no significant psychological problems emerged. "

thats the last time I engage with you on anything. Bye

frustrated dad - sorry for allowing this troll to sidetrack your thread with my help. My apologies. I should just have ignored him from the beginning

Thanks all.
It's amazing what some time to reflect and bounce ideas off people/listen to responses can do to change ones' frame of mind.

This place rocks, it really does.

Big man-hug to everyone.

Edit - the tangential argument/pissing contest/whatever it was just made me smile. Reminded me how easy it it is to get drawn into irrelevant conflict.

I have a Phd in Crackology, so know everythin about drugs... um... shizer it's April the 1st 8)

No it doesn't TJ - a lack of medication needed in ONE study and a lack of SEVERE psychological symptoms is not evidence of cocaine not causing withdrawal symptoms or addiction...like you assert.

Telling people that coke isn't addictive, is patently bollocks. That doesn't mean I don't think people should have the choice to do it though, I'm of the opinion that people should be completely free to choose whether they want to stick their fingers in plug sockets or gargle on buckshot as well.

cocaine is not addictive which is good. Nor is amphetamine. Synthetics? No one really knows

Having taken lots of both, I feel qualified to pass judgement on this.

Amphetamines can be highly addictive - at one point in my life, I couldn't go to the cinema without having my speed fix - going to the cinema was pointless anyway, as I wanted to be elsewhere.

The addiction is more psychological though, not physical so much.

Coke is purely pscyhological, but the feeling that you need some at the weekend, or a night out can be quite controlling - after so much, you generally get a bit fed up of it and can quite easily leave it alone.

Of all the drugs I've taken and knowing how much you feel it's destroying your body I'd rate 1-5, addiction/harm

Alcohol 4/4

Tobacco 5/4

Speed 4/5

Coke 3/3

Ecstacy 1/4

LSD 1/3

Marijuana 2/2

Caffeine 2/1

Ketamine 1/3

Prescription painkillers 2/2

I'm not sure that you can clearly differentiate between physical and psychological dependency, psychological changes are almost always underpinned by neurochemical or structural changes in the brain.

But your personal experience would seem to roughly correlate with some of what the literature is saying.

Simples - alcohol for example, having night sweats, inability to sleep, itching when abstaining, suggests physical dependancy (although there's an element of psychological), despite not 'needing' a drink in the morning.

Chemicals - the feeling that you need some for a night out, or just because it's the weekend, yet not being particularly bothered the rest of the time, suggests a primarily psychological addiction

Upon reflection now, I'm putting my £5 on this being utter bobbins.

anyone who wants to know the real truth about recreational drugs shorn of the "reefer madness" hyperbole I recommend Professor David Nutts work

https://profdavidnutt.wordpress.com/page/2/

Tom - I note you still did not give a source for that graphic which contradicts Nutts work

On cocaine its important to differentiate between it and crack which is a chemically modified form of cocaine with very different properties

Leaving aside the substance issue, you will need to tread v carefully with the children issue.

The andecedants of this split arent in the public forum, but therse things are nearly always bitter and sad.

The children can be seen and used as currency, possession and control of this currency can give one parent a lot of power over the other. Your wife may strongly resist losing control of the kids as they become a basis for power over you or finances, or just generally getting her own way. They can also be used in a punative way by denying access by one parent to another.

Just my thoughts from a v difficult divorce. My ex was a semi-functioning alcoholic, and despite crazy violence visited on me when she had been drinking, it was impossible to reason with her and get her to do what was best for the kids. She used access to them as a weapon and a 'cash machine' to fund her life. She didnt actually want the kids, but she knew i did, so they became a weapon.....