Fostering

Mate cant comprehend your stress levels!

Hang in there.

You're doing a great job. One day he'll realise it.

I’m in awe of what you do.

Your post worries me.

Take care of yourself.

The thing is, I’m not sure he realises this. The mother of all meltdowns tonight, five minutes later you’d have no idea he had been slightly upset.

How do we help a person that doesn’t understand that they need help?

We're a long way into our adoption and our youngest still finds the world around him such a tough, tough, scary place. Even when you do all you can to almost take on and absorb their emotions it still never feels to be enough.

Big support coming from me, fostering is such an amazing thing and it sounds like you've got a kid who has come from a place where they really needs it. Best wishes.

It’s been 16 months, we don’t want to give up, but a point comes where we surely have to hold our hands up and admit defeat. But then what next for the poor child?

You are being heroic.
Can your foster support help to get some immediate support for the boy?
This is not on you.

The council/agency/other body must - surely - have a responsibility to support you and the child.

Oh man. Sorry to hear this. I have no experience parenting, but can certainly empathise with going through an unending torrent of crap.

One day at a time....

We are trying to sort the support - he has no one at all , he came to us with a bin bag of clothes and a hamster. The hamster has died so now he thinks he’s got nothing left - begging us to ‘take him away’ which means let him die. So ****ing heartbreaking.

Sorry, I know I’m venting, I know there are no answers, just sharing the emotions. Tonight I’ve had too much beer, my wife has had even more way too much chocolate 😹

The meltdowns followed very quickly by seeming like nothing has happened feels very familiar to me. It is something I find very hard to cope with personally as the feelings that build up inside me when my little lad has got completely disregulated take much longer to subside. Especially when he has a series of meltdowns which continually knock me down. It's like you are left holding all that negative emotion with nowhere to put it other than take it on yourself along with a big side helping of guilt that you can't just wrap them up and hug it all away.

I've very much gone for the chocolate this evening! I hope things feel brighter for you in the morning.

Yep meltdowns to nothings happened have been a regular feature of parenting here too.

Incredibly tough to handle your own response to it. Hopefully you'll ride this out fairly quickly.

Van you get an crisis response team from CAMHS?

I ended up in A&E to get this to kick in. Might be worth considering. Same night I bought a drum machine, that wasn't great advice by the doctor, in fact it was bloody weird!

You're doing an amazing job btw.

The problem we have is that he doesn’t think there is a problem - CAMHS is at the bottom of the list of support he’d engage with (he won’t engage with anything).

And, TBF, a drum machine sounds the most sensible solution right now (having a daughter with some sensory issues that a drum kit worked for). I wish we hadn’t sold it when she came out the other side of her emotions.

Vent away. You are doing emotional and physical work above and beyond what many of us are capable of and you might not get many thanks but it's phenomenal. 16 months?How old is the boy? You don't need to answer that but get another hamster. 

He’s about to turn 13, he won’t want another hamster - he got that with his mum (who died) so there couldn’t be a substitute.

That makes sense. How about respite for yourselves? 13 is a tough age regardless. Hang in there buddy. I know there's all kinds of safeguards in place but if you/he are up for a bike ride just indicate whereabouts in the country you are and I'm sure something can be sorted. 

We do have a respite night tomorrow- if he goes -fingers crossed.

Right, bed. Sorry.

Right, bed. Sorry

Of the shit people post on here, no apologies are needed for this.

I couldn't do what you're doing, most of us couldn't. His life is better for it.

dangerousbrain x10000000000

That's a series of extreme boundary testing sessions. Everything so far has abandoned the poor lad and he wants to make sure that it's not going to happen again, or wants to get it out of the way quickly. Combined with raging hormones of the teenage years and it's all a bit Eastenders on Speed!

Good luck with getting some calm back in his life and pay for a therapist for the lad if you can afford it. Our youth mental health support is a disgrace nationally. Locally (East Suffolk) it's beyond disgraceful and would earn me an enforced rest from here if I were allowed to use all of my swearing!

I have a friend who has 2 kids of his own who are both affected by autism, his eldest has actually made several suicide attempts, his youngest is mostly nonverbal apart from the word 'sausages'..

I can be of no other help, but next time things are hard, just randomly inject the word sausages into your thoughts.

The council/agency/other body must – surely – have a responsibility to support you and the child.

They have a responsibility. They also have 50% less central government funding than pre-austerity. Situations like this are the harsh reality of those policies.

You are doing an amazing job, and deserve any and all support you can get, even if it just a bunch of internet strangers you can vent to.

Some of this may be "regular" teenage issues, but turned up to 11 due to his background*. And some of this will be boundary testing, in his own way testing how you react and how much he can rely on you to stick by him, which is both extreme and potentially counter productive.

*friends have two sons who gave them a wild ride in the teenage years

I hope, for the sake of all in the household, things do start to improve for you.  Venting is good, do it, if this feels like a safe space for you to do so then use it as much as you want. 

I've read most of the recent posts on the journey you're on as a family and we can all see the struggles you have, but also the passion you have for supporting him. Don't lose sight of that. 

I can relate to your situation but on a minor scale. Son is 12 and is undiagnosed ADHD, possible autism too. Meltdowns in school are daily and uncontrollable, recently he's been in for 75 minutes if he's even bothered to go at all. I have no real support for him as I don't trust him to behave for others and his mother isn't interested because he's too much hard work for her. Picked him up from school after him kicking doors and walls, threatening to hit staff etc and by the time we got home it was like nothing happened. It's an environmental thing for him, once he's in meltdown he needs to be removed from the area to calm down. Whilst he's on the way to meltdown he recognises this but school don't, so he goes full meltdown and then they can't get him back. I'm pretty much the only person who can. It's hard, he's said bad things during meltdown, but never a hint of it otherwise. It's heartbreaking, stressful, a constant worry and now affecting my health too after a prolonged period of this. But I can't lose sight of the fact that he's just a kid, struggling with his emotional regulation with major changes in his life in the last year (mother kicked him out at 11 to live with me, change from small primary to big secondary, hormones kicking in). I know this will continue but he doesn't accept that he needs help. Knowing what to do best is hard when you've tried so many things and nothing seems to make any difference. 

You aren't alone, feel free to message if you want to talk/vent if it will help you. 

@johndoh pretty sure the drum machine is sat in the loft. If I can find it you're welcome to it.

Sounds like a tough time, but you guys are doing an awesome job from your previous posts.

Is there an Independent Review Officer (IRO) you can contact to try see what other support can be implemented? Put some pressure on somewhere for support. 

The system is shit - we have 3yr old, placed with us 18mths ago  for adoption and we are finally about to get support for his additional needs. They wonder why people won't adopt/ foster when support is so lacking 🤷‍♂️ the system is well and truly broken.

I think everyone here will agree, come on and vent as often as you need, you and your family are doing an amazing and challenging thing and nobody would begrudge you needing to vent or look for support. 

Vent away OP, what you do is quite remarkable.

I have some very wealthy friends who could choose to chuck some cash at charity, but they foster (and adopt).

I'm genuinely in awe of folks like you and them who give their time, energy and sanity to improve the lot of kids who have had a grim start in life.

Sorry, I know I’m venting, I know there are no answers, just sharing the emotions

Please don't apologise. You're doing something amazing, and I hope this place is somewhere for you to get things off your chest.

Johndoh I hope your respite goes ahead and you enjoy a much needed break. 

From personal experience regular respite can be a big help getting through tough times. 

Keefezza sounds like you could also do with some additional support. Does the school have a SENCO that would support you with starting the process of a possible  ADHD or ASD diagnosis?

Foster carers are such unsung heroes, I can't imagine how hard it must be trying to look after a child who had a bad start in life. Particularly older children.
Mrs CD is a fostering social worker on the foster caring side. The stories she tells are heart breaking and the lack of money and therefore support makes us so angry. Children put a risk through now support. Foster carers and their families put at risk of physical harm by children or the children's birth family. Should it all go wrong in will be the foster carers and on the ground social workers that carry the can. Not the head of service or the government.

Sorry, that was a little rant and not helpful to you. I just think it's important that people know that most fostering social workers on the ground are doing above ond beyond also with no support. Thank you for everything you do and I hope you get the respite you deserve.

ADHD diagnosis is underway for my boy but it's not quick, trying to get an appointment for beginning asd diagnosis is proving hard work but it will be happening. I've asked for help from anybody and everybody so I hope at some point there will be something in place. 

👍keefezza hope you and your boy get the support you both deserve. 

I know the whole referal process and support provisions are an absolute nightmare, especially in terms of waiting times and refusal of support due to budget constraints. 

There also seems significant variations dependent on where you are in the UK. 

So - fresh head this morning (well, slightly hungover but a gym session has blown that away).

Thank you for all the replies and support - I know I am only venting and nobody can have a 'silver bullet' of an answer, but I just wish the boy could step back from himself and realise what he is doing. Had he started to settle and behave with a level of normality, we'd consider keeping him as a long-term placement and support him into adulthood. My wife is doing an astounding job of dealing with him and he *has* come on massively (as I am sure I have said before, he was non-verbal when he came to us but now he does communicate and, on a good day, actually engage with us.

But then he has these meltdowns, sometimes over nothing or other times just being unreasonable. Last night's outburst was over a change of name – he was born a girl but lives as a boy. He wanted to change his name by deed poll but social services refused - we fought hard to make them do it as we felt it would be a step towards leaving his birth name behind. So it happened and we got the official document (thankfully only a copy) to show him, expecting him to be happy. However, the document has his old name listed (which obviously it has to do so it can match up to his birth certificate). He had an almighty screaming meltdown that lasted almost an hour of screaming and shouting and eventually holding a knife to his hand. He would not (find still will not) accept that it HAS to have his old name on it, it is official documentation. He then ripped it up into small pieces, soaked it in water, wrapped it in kitchen roll and tried to flush it down the toilet. My wife had to retrieve it (we didn't want a blockage). So he then dried it out in the oven and eventually burned it.

Once he'd done that, you'd have not known anything was wrong. I am sure it all felt a reasonable response in his head.

We immediately called (no response) then emailed out support team but we still haven't heard back from them.

So today we have to deal with his dead hamster (which will not go well) then I have to somehow try to get him in the car and take him to the respite carer for a sleepover.

Exhausted!

1 day / 1 task at a time. Small chunks, try to move on from the negatives as quickly as he does and have a reset. This is how I'm working it, works some of the time but isn't easy. I tend to dwell on things for a little while then move on so putting things immediately behind me is a new skill for me to learn.

The boy is finding himself and must have gone through hell. Credit to yourselves that you've seen the progress you have, he may thank you for it one day.

The boy is finding himself and must have gone through hell.

He has gone through an extraordinarily hideous childhood, but he needs to accept that he has issues that need resolving and that there are people and organisations that are available to do just that. But he won't accept he has issues and will not engage with any professionals at any level. Thirty minutes until I call him from his room to take him to the respite carers. I wonder how that one will go...

Hey johndo

We've been doing what you've been doing for the last 14yrs or so - so I can understand and empathise.

I don't, however, have any magic solutions.

I don't know what the rest of your household consists of. Whether you have kids of your own or other kids  placement?

We've had situations where the issues for one child caused such negative impacts on other kids and our family as a whole that they had to move on.

It sounds like you guys have done all the right things and you've built a relationship with him so, obviously, the best place is with you. If you can sustain it.

It just depends on how much you can sacrifice to keep it going. Everyone has a limit.

We’ve had situations where the issues for one child caused such negative impacts on other kids and our family as a whole that they had to move on.

we are concerned that his behaviour is effecting one of our girls (we have twin 14
yr olds) - she is becoming socially anxious so is seeing a therapist. Whether that’s his behaviour or just her getting to the age where these things can manifest (she’s always been quiet and shy).Obviously if we thought it was because of him, he’d have to go. Social Services are trying to find him a permanent home but no-one is willing to have him (we’re short term carers and he knows this).

I've got nothing to add of any value except to say that you have clearly done an amazing job so far and you have opend your home and life to provide a safe place and have cared for a child who has benefitted massively.  

Keep going as long as you can but know that you have made a difference to their life already. 

Vent away mate, vent away.

He absolutely does need to know that the issues he struggles with need to be addressed. But he's very young and it could be that those issues are just so painful to bring up, the example you shared of the name change is a fine example of this, that he can't bare to discuss anything with professionals. He'll get there, but for now enjoy the respite as best you can.

Nuff rizzpeck johndoh, is there a fostering mentoring/community group you can reach out to?

hope the respite goes ok, you’re doing sterling work team Doh

(we’re short term carers and he knows this).

I wonder if this might be part of the issues he is having. He may be reluctant to make an effort as there is a fear that he becomes settled and content and is then moved on through the system ?
Just a thought

Have you tried PDA techniques?

if he is neuro divergent which sounds very likely then the issues with his behaviour and deregulation are not ones he can control.  Telling him they are issues is not going to be helpful and will have an adverse impact on his self esteem.

i have utmost respect for you and recommend that you try and find a support group with parents who are on a similar journey. Happy to suggest some - PM me.

There is no silver bullet if neuro divergent.

I wonder if this might be part of the issues he is having. He may be reluctant to make an effort as there is a fear that he becomes settled and content and is then moved on through the system ?

it possibly is (probably is TBF), and we have always avoided ‘promising’ anything to him and we can completely understand why he feels the way he does, but it would be nice if he did stop and think about others around him. I guess he’s just nowhere near that place yet.

Ohh, he did go to respite carers tonight, our girls are at a party and my wife and I got to be a couple for a few hours. Which was nice.

Glad you got a couple of hours, hopefully helped a bit.  

Like many have said, if you want to meet up and vent I'm sure there are many on here who would glady be there. 

I'm in the North West and try to get out on the bike once a weekend.   Appreciate not that easy for you but feel free to message.

Thank you for the offer - unfortunately I don't really get out on my bike much (injury over injury has stopped me riding/running for ages). I just use my local gym and walk the dog lots!

About to go out for a curry as a family, then we pick him up straight after. Hopefully he's in a good mood!

And again… Last night we had an almighty meltdown because my wife touched the outside of the washing machine whilst he had his bedding washing in it (she simply turned the setting to spin as he’d put it on a ‘delicates’ wash that didn’t spin at the end). Crying, shouting, screaming. This can’t go on - we can’t cope with these sorts of outbursts. 🙁

(She normally does all of his washing and he has never been bothered).

we can’t cope with these sorts of outbursts

So don't. 

Sorry to be harsh and selfish, but you also have a duty and responsibility for own health and wellbeing, and that of your wife and children. Perhaps it's time to step away. No matter what happens, it's obvious from your various threads that you've given all (and much more) than anyone could expect of you. 

ah man that is so tough.  You might even by a victim of your own success in that he feels free enough to be himself and express what he is feeling right not rather than repressing it.  You need him to move on to the next stage now but that isn't happening :(.  The world is also a crazy place right now and I know so many young people either on therapy or drugs and I just don't know how to understand that as it wasn't a thing when I was growning up.

Tonight I’ve had too much beer, my wife has had even more way too much chocolate 😹

This made me laugh, so much 🙂

Thanks for posting all of this though, it does help open up the craziness of growing up and how unprepared parents are to deal with it.  Whatever skills we may have learned from our parents just don't seem to apply now.  I hope you both manage to find ways to restrengthen yourselves and fill up your own resources again

What Scotroutes says.

Social work use the guilt of folk like you to keep children in unsuitable placements.  They are under huge pressure and this is the result.

Social work use the guilt of folk like you to keep children in unsuitable placements.

Very much so - we are constantly told about how few carers they have, how they are running at capacity etc etc. They tell us they can’t find a ‘long term’ placement for him (ie, until he is 18). We are ‘short term’ carers so we are meant to only be temporary. We are worried he’ll end up bouncing from placement to placement for the next five years, but we have to put ourselves first.

My wife and I are both foster carers of well over 10 years and our hearts go out to you. We've had a few kids with serious problems (as well as amazing kids) over the years. Having to stay up until 3 in the morning most nights waiting for the police to bring our 14 year old home pissed up. Not going to school. Setting fire to her bedroom bin (was the last straw for me). This was going on for well over a year so we ended up giving our 28 days notice for her to leave, as it was clear she didn't want to live with us. Her older brother was constantly thieving from us (including my wife's bank details). Not going to college. The list goes on. Anyway, when the foster kids turn 18, they have a staying put agreement, where they have to look for a job and pay board, and look for a flat. He had no intention of doing either, so again we gave our 28 days notice.
It's bad enough when it's affecting just you and your partner, but when they're other kids in the house, like ours, then it obviously impacts them.
Fostering certainly isn't all bad as we've had some lovely kids who just want a bit of love and a stable home.
Just don't let social services fob you off about shortages of placements as they do with us. You can only do so much. Best of luck johndoh

Two suggestions ( bear in mind I am childfree so this could well be balderdash)

would there be any use in sitting down with the kid and explain to him how his actions affect you?  As in a " we are trying our best, when you do this it makes me sad"

Tell the SW in no uncertain terms that the placement is about to fail because of the lack of support you have had and put that in writing.  Might get some support forthcoming

Thank you @tewit - it certainly puts our current predicament into a bit of perspective (although I do know we are being put through a lot of emotional stress right now for very different reasons). As he is our first placement we don't have any happy memories of successful placements to keep us going!

TJ - to be fair, now that our SW knows how we are feeling and how close we are to giving notice, they have tried to get respite cover for us, although there are not many people willing to take him – the person that had him for a night last week has now said she won't have him back again so we are back to square one 🙁

We have tried talking to him and explain how his outbursts feel for us, but when he has an outburst he simply has no regulation or control - it's more than just being angry or moody, he simply loses all ability to control himself emotionally. I think I may have said earlier, but as soon as he has got the emotion out, he's back to normal and almost like he doesn't even know himself that he's just spent the last hour screaming or hitting his head on a door or whatever.

@johndoh I’m a regional manager for children’s homes that work with children similar to your boy. I’m also the chair of a foster panel.

My take is that sometimes the right thing is not to continue. We have to make those decisions too sometimes - it’s horrible, but, we have to balance the needs and rights of everyone in the home, and the same applies to you.

Just my thoughts, but as a first time foster experience, my advice would be to consider ending this one. You’ve done all you can, but it sounds like he needs more expertise than you guys can give. Doesn’t mean you’ve failed, just that you’ve done all you can for him.

For what it’s worth, you’ve managed to deal with way more than most foster carers, even some very experienced ones so well done!

Thank you BigDaddy - that helps us focus - but there’s always that nagging thing - he was okay today and are we being too reactionary?

Only you can know that - but in the calm moments you need to reflect as a family and consider the impact on everyone. If everyone can manage it fine, but if it is breaking people, then you’ll be no good as foster carers for other kids, and you did say you were short term carers.

There is a strong pull to stick it out which is to be expected, just try to be rational in the decision. Hope that helps!

With the usual caveats here that I don't know what I'm talking about,

I understand the desire for control, and the concept of 'dirty' as irrational as that may be. Touching the outside of a washing machine though...

My thoughts are a) he needs support above and beyond what regular foster care can provide and b) stop pandering to it and shut down.

As soon as he kicks off, pretend he isn't there. If he's going to act like a toddler, treat him like one. If he craves attention, don't give it to him until he cools his tits. He is basically bullying you.

As I've repeated multiple times on STW now, "if you fall over, you're of no use to anyone else."

Here we go again - he was making pasta last night, pan on the front ring with the handle sticking right out. He wasn't in the room so I simply moved the pan so the handle was out of the way (as I was trying to cook a nice meal for my wife and I so we were sharing the same space). He came back in, noticed it, had a meltdown and refused to eat the pasta.

As soon as he kicks off, pretend he isn’t there. If he’s going to act like a toddler, treat him like one. If he craves attention, don’t give it to him until he cools his tits. He is basically bullying you.

Which is basically what I did, I just said don't be silly and ignored him. He ended up eating his 'Mac n cheese' sauce with bread. Bread out of the same bag everyone else puts their hands in and grabs bread.

I give up, I really do.

@johdoh it sounds like you're doing your best and it's not working for any of you.

Before I weigh in, can I check, is this a venting thread or an advice thread?

I have said this on other care threads<br /><br />Everyone has their limits.  these limits vary from person to person.  Once you have reached your limit you have done everything you can do and at that point you can do no more.  If you try to go beyond your limits you will get burnt out, stressed and resentful

Unfortunately in this case its very much a binary position.  He either lives with you or does not.  You cannot reduce the frequency or length of visits as you could in other situations<br /><br />if you have reached your limits and have done your best and its still not enough then you have to stop.  And stop without guilt or second thoughts.  You have tried your best, you have done your best.  You can do no more.  if it is not enough what you have done that is not your fault.  Its simply the situation is beyond your abilities.

Cynically I think the SW has placed what they knew would be a very difficult child with you to take advantage of your keenness and ignorance as a first time foster career hoping that you will get attached to the kid and the placement would not fail.  Why did a more experienced foster carer not take him?

YOu need to have a think about it but you have gone a lot further than I could have done.  Its negatively effecting you.  If you end the placement YOU have NOT failed.  the system has by giving you a task beyond your abilities.  Again IMO this kid needs residential psychiatric care not a foster placement with folk who are well intentioned but who do not have the skills to deal with a child with such difficulties.

good luck.

Before I weigh in, can I check, is this a venting thread or an advice thread?

Venting! (Although advice is most welcome). We get lots of advice (we do have a reasonable amount of support from the social services, however *HE* won't engage with any professionals as he isn't willing to change which is what needs to happen). I get that the social services are on their knees - way more children needing support than there are people available so we are doing what we can. Our SW is looking for a more suitable long-term placement but there simply isn't anyone and we really don't want to offload him into emergency care so we are soldiering on.

Cynically I think the SW has placed what they knew would be a very difficult child with you to take advantage of your keenness and ignorance as a first time foster career hoping that you will get attached to the kid and the placement would not fail. Why did a more experienced foster carer not take him?

When he came to us it was meant to be short-term (ie, 'a few days') as his mum was in hospital and he was expected to go back. However she died (Aug 2022) and we felt we couldn't just kick him out at that point. The funeral arrangements dragged on so she wasn't laid to rest until mid-October, then it was too close to Christmas so we said he could stay. Since the new year they have been looking but there is no-one (the one person who said they would take him long term met him once then said she wouldn't).

Update… we gave our notice, SS found a match, they seemed almost perfect, today they have pulled out. For ****ing ****’s sake - he was getting prepared, now , this ****ing woman who has 20+ years experience says she isn’t capable of looking after him. The experience and training she has is massive - but now we find ourselves with him for longer. Am I ranting? Probably yes - we’re both self-medicating…

That sounds crap for both of you. Hope you find a solution soon.

It's not working for you as a family or him. It's time for SS to step up. The other fosterer pulling out shouldn't be a factor (and yes, I know it is because you are nice folk), to you being able to move on. Forcing the issue by identifying a timeline for him to move out may help SS get more creative about how to provide the care he so clearly needs. Good luck again OP I'm humbled when I think what you've done and how it must have impacted your family.

SS get more creative about how to provide the care

I can assure you that the Children's Services team will be doing all they can to identify a placement, otherwise the boy will have to be placed into a high cost privat placement, which will take thousands of pounds a week out of an already massively overstretched budget.
The issue is not with social services, the issue is with a broken care system, lack of funding and Independent Fostering Agencies sucking carers and cash out of what should be 100% non profit.
Spend an hour with a social work team and tell me that they are not working flat out trying to make lives better for the children they work with.

Edit: well done for sticking with him for so long, and don't let the experience put you off opening your home and heart to another child.

It really isn’t SS’s fault - we had given notice (technically it was to end yesterday but we agreed to extend by a week due to circumstances) and they put him straight on the ‘Critical’ list (he was on ‘At Risk’ before). They found a suitable match (and she seemed really keen, even excited). They are now looking at the independent carers route but, as has been said, this is massively expensive. There are simply too few carers and the ones that are available generally don’t want someone with his complex issues. The last thing we’d do is let him go into emergency care where he’d be living out of a bag and going from home to home until they find someone willing to take him.

Edit: well done for sticking with him for so long, and don’t let the experience put you off opening your home and heart to another child.

This is an eye opening and deeply moving thread.  As others have said, I hope you find a solution soon

Yes , we do too - right now, given what has happened, we kinda feel we’ll have to accept he’ll be with us until after Christmas now - it’s unlikely someone will be ready to take him in, the transition time will bring it up to just before Christmas and we are going away for a week starting 22nd Dec (fortunately we’d allowed for the eventuality he’d still be with us).

I wonder what a psychoanalyst would make of this painting by R...

Has he been painting in the bathroom?

Hah - no, but he is one of the main reasons for that post - particularly when he is emotional, he does sometimes have excessively long showers.

I’m in awe of what you do.

I know it sounds like you're going through a mega tough time but this ^ really. You're an epic human being.

You’re an epic human being.

My wife is the epic person, I cannot take very much of the credit that is due.

"I cannot take very much of the credit that is due."

Your Wife may be the Epic person. However, even if that is the case, you should give yourself a BIG pat on the back as well!

My wife is the epic person, I cannot take very much of the credit that is due.

Epic people can only be epic with the right people behind them.

That painting looks a lot like what was in my head a year back - the great fog of despair.

So… he was meant to go for a night with respite careers last night, we had massive fights, got him to the house, he refused to go in, had to bring him back. So we have given a definitive last date of mid-January (we can’t possibly expect a move to happen now, just before Christmas). We need a break and focus on ourselves for a bit. I’m not entirely sure if it was us that weren’t good enough and we took on way too much for our first placement or is he just such a tragic case in need of support that most would find it hard to provide.

IMO Inappropriate placement.  He needed far more than you could give and being first time foster parents made it harder for you to recognise this.

The blame lies with the social workers. ( and partly with the system)  Not the kid and not you.  You have done far more than most of us could do and far more than should be expected of you